Facing the Inevitable Friday, Mar 9 2012 

There is a deep emotional ‘umbilical cord attachment’ to your mom. She has this ‘know what’s going on’ feeling about you as her daughter. She senses your emotions, knows what to say and can sit in a room quiet with just because she knows it comforts you. She is there when you need her, she has an undying love for you and will do any and everything in her ungodly power to make you happy at any and every expense of her own happiness. She is strong and mighty. She is caring and resourceful. She is your everything. She is a mom. She is my mom. The same one who has informed me of the deep rooted feelings and attachments liken to having a child.

I want to shake my fist a God and I want isolation, a place to cry. I want to stay far away from any male who will come near such a less than adequate female. I long for attention and love but run from emotion and attachment. I am not a real woman, and through my own selfish dealing and decisions I am left incapable of reproducing…the sole reason I was put on this earth. I can’t even do what I am meant to do. I can’t do what I have longed for my entire life, to cherish and carry a living human in my body to birth and to love endlessly. I feel like a cruel and selfish individual, a living moving target at my own frustration. The innocence of a child is the most precious gift of life itself. I ripped away any chance of experiencing this through a child of my own. It’s gone.

It is something that will cross my tracks every day of the rest of my life and I cannot get it back. I regret all of my decisions every day. I knock heads with god and I infuriate my mind with self hate and a less than adequate status. I destroy myself and am bound to come tumbling down, only as my own punishment for living such a selfish self centered diseased existence for so long. You can’t ask for hope because hope doesn’t exist, it is impossible. There is no miraculous cure, no pill to swallow besides that of your own self worth and pride. There is no best of the worst way to deal with it. Sure, get on with life. The easiest thing to do for someone who has absolutely no idea what this feeling is like. I am a waste of a human, just taking up too much space in this already hectic crowded world.

Yet I am supposed to hold it together because even worse is people worrying about me, a serious waste of time. So swallow your lump, wipe your tears, get dressed and put on your act every day for the rest of your life like somehow it is all worth something. The ultimate privilege of being a woman is motherhood. There is a bullshit fallacy that renders children as nothing more than drudgery and inconvenience- I cannot imagine something further from the truth. I have more free time than I care to enjoy, more success at my job than I probably deserve. I have one drive, which is motherhood. The excelling in the workforce, in school, in knowledge and society are all second place to birthing a child and feeling that connection- it must be the ultimate pleasure and warming contentment life has to offer. There is a privilege to parenthood, high in standings I will never feel.

A joy I will never experience; everyone around me is getting pregnant. I want to know what it is like. There are babies everywhere. It is so overwhelming. I am so happy for them, but I feel like I deserve to get pregnant or stand the chance. Why are they allowed and I cannot?? All I can say now is, I’m sorry. For whatever it’s worth. For however far it can go…mom, dad and my could have been kids. I am so incredibly sorry. I feel like I have no excuse and I have no words. No words that can really make it right. But I did it all wrong- I did life wrong. I did the best years of my life fucked up backwards. I fucked it all up. And I am truly sorry. More sorry than I have probably been for anything in a very long time. I would go to the end of the earth and back a million times to take back what I have done, sacrifice every single belonging and feeling I have if I could have hope again. And I am sick of the suggestions, the advice. There is no miracle pill; no try this try that, just calm down, just don’t worry. Just relax…ahhhh….damn that’s annoying, it doesn’t help and it doesn’t work. Stress affecting me sure, but damnit I can’t have  kids, period and yes I am fucking stressed about it. It is my fault. There’s no fixing it. It is all I want. I want to know would my baby have my eyes, my personality, my strength, my nose, my husband’s habits, his eyes…nothing. I won’t know what any of that is like. Did I just not try hard enough? A quitter?

I am a girl, who will never be a woman, who has had her heart completely crushed into a thousand pieces by infertility. A girl who has been immersed in this world long enough to see others hurt even worse; worse than I ever would have believed possible. A girl who has seen too much, fallen too hard, and learned that all too often – the unthinkable can happen. I am a girl who is no longer blind to the pitfalls of this world. No take backs for this one. it hurts. It hurts deep down in my heart with hate circling through my head I could never translate to paper. I can’t look back and be proud, I can’t look back and say it was worth it. It was hideous, it was frivolous. But I fought with everything I had to be where I am today, and I can’t have the one drive I had in recovery- hopes of motherhood one day. It’s gone, all hope, all worthiness.

Life isn’t always fair, hell usually it is never fair. But sometimes it is downright brutal. I am struggling to cope with understanding life can be so damn brutal. I wish I could have it all but I can’t so I wish the best of luck and success for those who can. I wish for their happiness, their pregnancy and womb to be filled with never ending blessed love that mine will not. I wish the happy ending I will never achieve because, that is not who I am. I cannot be who I want to be.

And Then There was Mal… Wednesday, Feb 1 2012 

If anyone still reads my blog, just letting you know I am alive!! What have I been up to?

Well, I have no conquered the world…yet, but I did get a raise. Even better, I get to file my taxes soon and low and behold, I will get close-to-nothing back and probably owe the state, again, while everyone else around me continues buying Doritos, frozen egg rolls and cases of Coke with their food stamps. Oh, and they get free cell phones now too, 200 free minutes. If I could only not feel like I was going to hell for working the system I would do it…but low and behold, I have a conscience.

I am actually at this obnoxious-mind-consuming crossroad in my life. I am recovered from an eating disorder but still living in my head(more often than not), I have a full time job but not moving up anytime soon(no college degree), I have a new car but can barely rub a penny between my ass to make monthly payments on top of student loans, carrying full insurance, rent, bills, cell phone…oh right, and our shitty president is giving everyone free handouts but gas is $3.45/gallon. So I am living but not getting anywhere, eating but not understanding my body and what it actually would flourish on.

Ever read a bunch of foodie blogs of gorgeous chicks and their amazing creations and then think you’re doing everything wrong? I get especially frustrated(with myself) when I read of cardio bunny Gertrude(made up name hah picked one I doubt anyone has…damnit, now I know I just offended someone) eating green smoothies laced with crack-chia-vegemite-proteinpowder-chickpea-walnutbutter…and I ponder if this is real life, and people really put stuff like this together? Her PUFA content should have her dying approximately tomorrow with diabetes and NAFLD. And where’s her beef liver and eggs OMG she’s healthy happy and NOT paleo!??!

And she isn’t lifting 300 lbs 3 times a week heavy ass squatting ass to the ground and throwing herself at the ground only to jump back up and repeat it 100 times!??! Hell, even Beyonce can drink lemon spiked cayenne detox flush drinks and have a baby. I think my pissed off tone behind this is the fact that as I understand it, and as I comprehend it, none of this should be possible because spending 2934534 hours of my life reading about health and nutrition and reading study after study tells me, right there in arial font 12 point BOLD that all this is unhealthy, all of it will cause a fatty liver, diabetes, cancer wtf ever else you want to add to the list.

BUT, and there’s a but… damn if she doesn’t look healthy and damn if she doesn’t seem happy. Is there like this shadow of shit-on-me for someone who recovers from an eating disorder that says you will have lowgrade constant depression for eternity?? To me, it feels like there is. And for all I know it may be self loathing, why don’t I just snap out of it, why don’t I get out of my head, why don’t I ‘just get over it’. Trust me, if I could just do it(no pun) I would. “Oh Mallory, you look so much better, you must be eating well these days”… do not, like ever say this to anyone whether they once looked like an emancipated crack whore or they lived off a feeding tube for 6 months. It’s just stupid.

I am not loving my body, but I cant keep hating it because it seems to function worse when I do. I got some bloodwork showing I have damn near zero inflammation in my body and an almost undetectable c-reactive protein meaning there’s no bad stuff going on. Weeee so she’s healthy(with elevated iron, obviously, no rocket scientist is needed to figure out my meat gorging with no monthly bleeding is gonna lead to elevated iron…) but I surely still am not a socially-acceptable function as I should 26 year old woman. TWENTY-SIX-YEARS-OLD….and I am scared of becoming 30, 40 and still just ‘being her’ just living repeating the same shit day after day after day.

For what it’s worth, the life long consequences of this recovery stuff from something as severe as anorexia nervosa….they blow ass. On top of blowing ass myself usually post meal, my body will forever be in ‘famine mode’….7 years starving yourself and you didn’t die so now you have the rest of your existence to pack on weight with everything you eat, live with muckin-fucked up hormones and blood sugar problems, royally shitty sleeping patterns, and the all around inability to sit with yourself, let alone sit still.

So that I stop wallowing in my own self doubt and self pity I made a list of to do’s for 2012, I know one month late. It took a while for me to get out of my own head to decide what I want to change and a direction to ‘attempt’ to go in. why the hell is change so damned hard? Hardest will be getting away from the web. I swear I develop addictions easier than anyone in the world. I can literally have 50 browser web pages open because I get this rush of reading and information and overload. What the hell is that? I haven’t the slightest clue, but I love it.

Personal

*spend an entire day lying around

*spend an entire day in the kitchen baking(food I will eat)

*travel, randomly, unplanned…especially to New Orleans

*spend 24 hours outside…sun up to sun down

*find a new adrenaline rush(that isn’t mind numbing obsession)

*get more sleep

*master 3×15 chin ups (done, once)

*muscle-up

*take a mineral oil bath once a week with lotsa bubbles, then do girlie things like my nails and a facial

*find a place that is genuinely quiet, and listen

*meditate to the sun rising

*meditate to the sun setting

*run a 10k for a good cause

*go to church more

*get a gun, and be able to kill a m*therf*cker confidently

*volunteer at church

*pay more attention to what is going on in the world

*more spontaneity

*stay off the internet

*express myself instead of hide with a good act

Culinary

*learn to can food- pressure cooker

* master my cast iron dutch oven my momma got me

*master my bone broth

*master a rue(yes, that means flour)

*put together a recipe collage, at least get one started

*make a meal 100% from scratch- seed to ground to harvest to plate with only what I produce

*plant kabocha squash(b/c I am in love…) and pray it grows well here…DONE, just ordered seeds

*start a herb garden(basil….nom)

*find some local farmers for eggs and meat

*stick to eating local(or maybe not)

*go vegetarian for a week, just because I can

*get me some oysters more often, and master shuckin

*actually CATCH a crab on the coast

*use my fishing license

*make a meal based around a Hawaiian Potato(aka Okinawan)

*master roast beef(the seasoning rub)

Oh, and get to drinkin some mixed bevvvverages more often…

And here is how I see my future. No one down here really knows me, I don’t go out, I don’t have many friends outside the work place, yet for some reason I find it hard to hang out with my family as it seems to promote oddly acute amounts of anxiety. Based on that, it surely doesn’t matter whether I am 100lbs or whether I am 170lbs, no one knows me. There isn’t anything ‘to be expected’ so if for the life of me I can figure out how to ‘just be’ I just might have a chance at developing a personality outside health/nutrition before I die….maybe, just a slight possibility. Basically, I am sick of myself. I want a friend whom I can randomly show up at their house unannounced just because, I wanna bake some cookies, listen to music and pour some strawberry daiquiris. I want to spend days in the sun at the pool with my family, grilling out and enjoying the company and food and not spending the time preoccupied in my mind catching up on sleep I didn’t get the night before. And I feel like really, this is all my fault. I don’t do these things. Hell, I tried to quit smoking and it lasted 60 hours, then I text my mom telling her I was going to slit my wrist or commit suicide because the desire to injure myself was obnoxious. All this over nicotine? I literally CRIED for almost 24 hours over a cigarette….it had been YEARS since I cried myself to sleep!

Change is hard for anyone. Change for someone with my mind is epically impossible, or so it seems, but it IS DOWNRIGHT a matter of me changing my routines and habits. I mean if I think about it, I am going to die, we all are, regardless of how we live and what we do. As soon as you’re born, you can guarantee you’re going to die, at some point. I am not the typical EAT EGG WHITE SCRAMBLED WITH SPINACH AND TOFU NUGGETS OR DIE…but I need to get away from EAT GRASSFED BEEF AND YOUR VEGETABLES MUST HAVE BUTTER AND GOD FORBID YOU DON’T EAT 2G/PROTEIN PER POUND OF LBM(or some other obnoxious amount) A DAY AND LIFT HEAVY SHIT 3 X A WEEK AND DO NOT TOUCH CORN/BEANS AND IF YOU EAT FRUIT IT IS IMMEDIATELY BEING TURNED INTO FAT BECAUSE ALL THINGS FRUCTOSE WILL KILL YOU AND ALL THINGS OMEGA 6 KEEL YOU OVER 6 FEET UNDER.

There needs to be balance… I need to find it. No one can find it but me. I idolize 2 bloggers. One is Heather @ Heather Eats Almond Butter. She probably hasn’t the slightest clue who I am, because I do not comment on her blog, but her way of living and the reflection of happiness form her blog, and soon to be 3 kids(congrats if you see this!)…it is the epitome of awesome to me. I envy her. The other is Eden @ Eden Eats Everything. She’s fucking hilarious…I lol everytime I read her blog. Our minds think alike…well maybe not. I am convinced I am the female version of Dexter…a MUST watch show for anyone with a mucked up mind. If I ever remembered to type out the funny shit that boggles my mind I could make people piss their pants. I run into some downright bizarre shit here in the south.

I need to stop obsessing about health and nutrition and seeing so onewaystreet in my thoughts about food and do some more life enjoyment…

Mardis Gras season approaching and starting should be a good place. I want to decorate my 1900 antique-20ft ceiling-rip-off-rental house for mardis gras season…and I have hardcore Baptist/Christian roommates. Baha, should be interesting. One lady at work informs me of my bloodsucking worshipping every mardis gras season…

What to give up for the 40 days and 40 nights…maybe ‘giving a fuck’ is a good place for me to start !

Beef Giveaway! Wednesday, Aug 3 2011 

http://www.civilizedcavemancooking.com/2011/08/grass-fed-beef-giveaway.html?showComment=1312406861158#c217133600146345122

 

Check out the grassfed beef giveaway, oh I hope I hope I win!!!

 

And I just completed a bulk, I will update later. For  now, I am working on sleeping more and resting :)

It is About Correct Restriction & Control Friday, Jul 15 2011 

 

The more I read, the more I read….the more everything will always make sense, connect, interconnect and then make no sense whatsoever. I love that. This is the exact reason I find myself often getting lost in studying the human brain in relation to our bodies- nobody will ever be able to dissect it. You can’t find the meaning of all the bodies abilities nor its faults and disorders. It is crazy, intriguing and soooo so interesting. But for this post, I have been pondering binge eating and recovery in general. I have one conclusion so far…people, and especially doctors/clinics/dieticians/nutritionists and any ‘unsufferer’ will approach recovery with straight up delusion:

de-lu-sion [dih-loo-zhuhn] Noun.  1. An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality, typically a symptom of mental disorder.

There are people, then there are those with eating disorders. There are healthy brains, and then there are miswired brains. Note, these are not unhealthy brains, they are just different from the evolutionarily accepted ‘normal’ brain. You’re different. You always will be. Accept that. No recovery is going to cure or fix your miswired brain just like the guy born with one arm will never have both. Oh well… now, whatta we do about that? Well, your run-of-the-mill doctor is going to tell you in recovery ‘every food is good in moderation.’ Right, try telling that to someone who is well over 50% below their body weight/fat set-point. No, and bash me now, but every ‘food’ is not okay in moderation and MANY foods are harmful in recovery in any moderation. (Disclaimer: This is my opinion, I am not a doctor just a successful recoveree.)

Systematically, food, and the result your body/brain take on food (expenditure) is so complex it’s almost worth not even worth considering. There are a billion neural systems activated but biologically the main factor lies in maintenance of an adequate supply of nutrients which will result in energy balance- homeostasis, ahhhh. Now, intertwined in this there are hormonal regulations, ingestion, storage, allergies, and BRAIN firing- plus the three million other problems and side effects which happen when you restimulate the body of a malnourished individual. Fact is, the second that you think about food, smell food, prepare food there is a huge generation of behavioral, autonomic, and endocrine output. Your hypothalamus plays a crucial role in this(which is why I blab so much about a deregulated HPA in eating disorders), and in the homeostatic function in your body. This comes from previous experience with food, prior food thoughts and prior food relations/habits/rituals. It even goes as far back as your childhood diet and actions regarding food way back when. Just the smell of food will send firing from your brain to your body regarding reward, emotions and the social context of the moment as well as past occurrences. ANY, read this again….ANY pathological malfunction or lack of adaptation in the brain’s relationship with food will cause problems. These problems are not always eating disorders but are usually food/health related. Some people are born with pathological obesity. Some will get diabetes, heart disease, cancer soooooooooo much more. But for now, you see how complex this all is.

Note I mentioned all food is not fair game in recovery. I really, truly believe in finding a manageable homeostasis via REAL food (see Free the Animal, Mark’s Daily Apple, Robb Wolf, Archevore, HuntGatherLove, Whole Health Source…most of my blogroll for real food). No packages, no bags, fresh whole real food. Trust me, when you put steak and eggs on ‘no limit to consumption’ category you find out real quick how self limiting the food is. Same goes with foods even of the sweet essence which is a main trigger for eating disordered individuals. Baking three rows of sweet potatoes and allowing yourself free access to 5 pounds of PLAIN potatoes is self limiting. Same goes for plain fruit.You fill up real quick. The reward for your recovery here is your LOSS of interest in food. This loss of interest takes food-on-the-mind-always-looking-for-next-meal to how your body feels when you eat, how you digest food, what food you handle well, and how your blood sugar reacts to food. Seriously, stuff yourself silly on sweet potatoes, cooked plain with nothing added and you realize how sucky and uncomfortably full you are- even try it with rice. Bloated, and uninterested in food. Try it with steak…same result.

 

Real food is self limiting; it releases your fear IF YOU ALLOW IT of uncontrollable binging. I try not to write a lot about binging because I am no expert but if I saw something like oreos, chocolate cake, or the ever promoted ‘health food’ like fat free yogurt, cereal and oatmeal, chex mix, fiber one bars, protein powder, fat free peanut butter powder as ‘food’ then, therein my brain would have a huge problem. Namely, that stuff isn’t food. I don’t associate food that is not food as such. When I see a box of oreos I think…WTF is that. Really… that’s gross someone puts it in their bodies to me. Orthorexic? Again not in my opinion, oreos are not and will never be meant for human consumption- please, I will pee my pants if you try and convince me they are. Same goes for dairy products which have been pasteurized and have the fat removed from them (can we say processed!!).

not food...

Red Snapper, FOOD :)

But, like all things the ‘cure’ is not all in the diet. You can eat immense amounts of self limiting food but until you tackle the emotions and behavioral attachments, you’re still stuck. Researching addiction you find that it’s about brain chemistry. Neural psychology studies the way the brain wires itself and how it makes us behave the way we do.  But, like I mentioned earlier there is no forever cure. You don’t just change your brain chemistry because you eat real food. If you don’t get to the root of your problems in your thought process and resonate with why you do what you do, then you’re going to be stuck with the same emotional s*it but in a healthier body.

The first two steps, after ACCEPTANCE in recovery lie in eating REAL food and maintaining real nourishment. But an even bigger personal step totally unrelated to weight and recovery is learning to verbalize why we do what we do and why we seem to have so little control over certain behaviors(like binging and constant food preoccupation). Anyone who has starved themselves into a catecholamine high or anyone who has caught themselves in an unreal situation post binging on 923456234 calories knows that once you start it is HARD AS ALL LIVING HELL to stop. This, on both sides of the see-saw is all in your brain.

Catecholamines are “fight-or-flight” hormones released by the adrenal glands in response to stress.[1] They are part of the sympathetic nervous system.They are called catecholamines because they contain a catechol or 3,4-dihydroxyphenyl group. They are derived from the amino acid tyrosine.[2]In the human body, the most abundant catecholamines are epinephrine (adrenaline), norepinephrine (noradrenaline) and dopamine, all of which are produced from phenylalanine and tyrosine. Various stimulant drugs are catecholamine analogs.

So why do we go to extremes? Why do we starve or why do we feel an uncontrollable love-hate urge to stuff a box of oreos in a gallon of cake icing and go to town? This unearth feeling of losing all control makes you stop thinking rationally and you do all kinds of stuff, most notably all the bad behavior you’re trying to fix. SO instead of spending endless hours and sleepless nights trying to figure out why you starve or why you binge you just need to accept that your brain chemistry is abnormal and that’s life. You need to learn to manage it with food- reeeeeeal food.  The reason could come from a variety of shit that happened in THE PAST, but guess what, RIGHT NOW in this moment and in your recovery you need to realize that at some point along the way your brain chemistry CHANGED, and that change brought your new wiring, a new you. Regardless of whether you got raped, whether you were a fat kid or whether you faced immensely damaging trauma… the reason for your problem now is because at some point you rewired your brain such that binging or starving sets off some kind of reward. End of story, you can’t argue that.

For the binger, take a minute to realize that if you lost interest in high fat, high sugar food before it was consumed you wouldn’t have the fat stores to reproduce and you wouldn’t be in a predicament to begin with. But your brain has been rewired so this is the case You were born with a brain that expects to get real food, and take the real nutrition from it and use it accordingly. Problem is, in the current age we suffer through we are constantly bombarded by extremely tasty food and it is super cheap and always available with very, very little effort. HYPERPALITABOLIY RUNS OUR LIVES. From feeling overly intense emotions to having overly stimulating food around at all hours everyday it’s damn near impossible to learn normal. And all this junk food, fake food and processed food has got everything combined together…salt, sugar, fake fat, plus a bolus of added flavor enhancers (MSG anyone??) and artificial goodness (modified food starch, splenda). From a very good read, I recommend to everyone at GNOLLS:

Characteristics Of Successful Snack Food(aka…addictive food)

If you were to design a profitable and successful snack food, you’d want it to have several characteristics: http://www.gnolls.org/2074/why-snack-food-is-addictive-the-grand-unified-theory-of-snack-appeal/

  • It would be made of cheap ingredients, allowing a high profit margin.
    Since our government heavily subsidizes industrial grain production, you’d make them of grains and grain products…corn, wheat, and soy. Mostly corn, because it’s so heavily overproduced that we’re forced, by law, to feed it to our cars!
  • It would be shelf-stable and require no preparation, so that it could be kept without refrigeration, taken anywhere, and eaten at any time.
    Therefore, you’d make it out of highly-processed ingredients that are shelf-stable, pump it full of preservatives so that it could survive for months in a vending machine, and enclose it in lots of disposable packaging so it wouldn’t get damaged in transit.
  • It would concentrate the tastes we’ve evolved to enjoy far beyond their natural amounts, and as much as our technology allows.
    This would be the supernormal stimuli of fatty, salty, umami, and sweet: MSG, crystalline sugar, seed oils, fruit juices, “natural and artificial flavors”.
  • Finally, it would not be satiating.
    No matter how much you ate, you would never be satisfied.

 

Every time you allow yourself to partake in a meal of unreal food the malfunctioning neural circuits which we have accepted do not work correctly are strengthened- like a cocaine addict who takes just one more hit. Now you are left completely at a loss when trying to figure out why you do what you do you and resort to assuming helplessness. The only blame is the part of your brain that aint working but you needed to have accepted it. Most of ‘our’ minds operate purely on impulse so doing something like saying I WILL NEVER BIINGE OR STARVE AGAIN probably won’t get you too far. Same with self blame and self hate- reaction to impulse.

  • Our brains are going to have f8cked up neural circuits and they are going to fire, you just have to engage other circuits to weaken them (eat real food, plain). You can’t reinforce them 24/7
  • Don’t do stupid things. If you binige, you’re going to eat all the oreos if you buy them. Don’t go browsing the junk food isle at the gas station, don’t drool over a vending machine and do your best to turn the channel when the new brownie cereal commercial comes on.

Seriously, many people will waste their entire lives suffering because they would rather die, lose a foot; lose their vision than give up _______. Stop being a baby, use your noggin and accept it. Food while healing is medication. Some is off limits- A LOT IS NOT.

Hormones: most binge eaters want to binge after a ‘normal meal’. Read up on hypoglycemia and how to manage it with a lower carbohydrate lifestyle. Eating sugary, starchy crap in the context of suffering hypoglycemia is going to whack out your blood glucose and insulin around and make you hungry and further increase your cravings. It’s a cycle…

A smart man once said this:

“We must realize, however, that all living cells are continuously subject to imperfect nutrition and that overt mental disease is known to result from malnutrition, as, for example, in pellagra. In the light of these considerations, we would be foolhardy indeed to take for granted that the nutrition of the brain cells is automatically satisfactory in those who are afflicted or threatened with mild or severe mental disease.” -Dr. Roger J, Williams, writing in Nutrition Against Disease.

In the book, Nutrition Against Disease, author Dr. Roger J, Williams points out that like all other living cells, brain cells often receive less than perfect nutrition. He goes on to observe that brain cells get nutrition from blood, which in turn gets its nutrients from the food we eat each day.At first, it takes a while to get past that and let your body readjust to a new way. Psychologically, your brain may want to get that rush back, even at the expense of feeling bad later. It’s the same reason why people like to smoke. They cultivate an addiction and then enjoy the pleasure of satiating that addiction. So you need to deal with:

Stress.

Anger.

Depression.

Anxiety.

Boredom.

Futility.

Filling a void.

Making up for previous deprivation in life.

Fear of deprivation.

Fear of change.

Nostalgia.

Denial.

Obsession.

Loathing.

Hyper self-criticism.

It has to do with healthfulness, and mindfulness, and gratitude, and forgiveness.  It has to do with having a free mind, and using food to fuel that beautiful, free (yet oddly functioning) mind.

To geek out on you, in relation to your brain, an unidentified woo I admire quoted this: Low dopaminergic tone is one critical pathophysiological process in obesity.Dopamine is a major metabolic regulator. A key feature of garden variety obesity, as well as hibernation, is a functional downregulation of dopamine receptors. Dopamine binding completely orients cell-level metabolism around in favor of glucose metabolism. This prevents hyperinsulinemia. Peripheral dopamine binding suppresses insulin production from the pancreas, preventing hypoglycemia after eating, and prenting lipogenesis. When dopamine is blocked, or when dopamine receptors are functionally downregulated during obesity (glucose excess results in the downregulation), the cells shift to a preference for fat metabolism, which paradoxically induces glucose intolerance and hyperinsulinemia and fat gain. Low dopamine also reduces psychomotor activity (energy-sparing) and promotes sleepiness/inattentiveness, another common complaint in obesity as well as in hibernation. One thing neither talked about is the most satifying foods are fats. Only carbs have a special neuropeptide that modulates the hypothalamic tracts. That directly modulates the median forebrain bundle……Carbs…..not fat of protein. Behavior is a result of what the brain is perceiving(aka the reaction to unreal food).

Emily Deans of Evolutionary Psychology says : Even if we assume there is no specific “brain disorder” that causes binging, it seems clear to me that most binge eaters have at least a conditioned psychological aversion to food. This is why they binge. They try to restrict or moderate their intake during the day only to gorge on it later in a binge. Even if we assume there is no neurobiology causing binging the way there is causing heroin use, we can’t argue or deny that there is a clear cut psychological food aversion found in binge eaters. They love and they hate food.

 

‘Liking’ a food does not make you necessarily ‘want’ a food, and it is the ‘wanting’ of foods that typifies the chronic overeating that leads to obesity- acceptance my friends. I think the similarity between the hyperpalatable industrial food and the hard drugs is that they are all (somewhat metaphorically) poisons, but we take the dose anyway, and need bigger and bigger amounts.

Some helpful hints…drop caffeine, get good sleep, go outside, drop ANY lowfat product from your diet and the most obvious eat food naturally available prior to the agricultural and industrial revolution. This is the easiest way to deflame your massively inflamed brain.

As Sophia at Burp and Slurp recently said: “Let me tell you something about bingeing and purging: there are few experiences as maniacal and hedonistic as it. It’s a mad, jagged jumble of ecstasy, anxiety and self-hatred as you stuff food after food into your mouth. You’re scared to death and at the same time craving it all. You abhor your “greed” and lack of control, yet you “reward” yourself with uninhibited indulgence. You’re feeling exhilarated by the action of the feast, yet unable to enjoy the taste and pleasure of satiety because you are stuffing yourself so frantically, gulping down the food just for the sake of sensory. You feel like you can eat and eat and still gain no satisfaction, yet your stomach is swelling painfully and the sharp pains in your abdomen feels like it’s a sack bulging with shards of pointy rocks.”

That Day… Monday, Jun 27 2011 

Where you get your ass back in gear, clear your mind, meditate and get on with life…

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PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES

GROW UP

PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE

AND KEEP GOING…

 

 

I

WANT

MY

FERTILITY

Where I stand… Sunday, Jun 5 2011 

Does it ever cross your mind why you developed an eating disorder? Like, of everyone in the whole entire flippin world, VERY FEW PEOPLE truly suffer from real anorexia nervosa. Sure, plenty of people use retarded weightloss methods like veganism, kimkins, cabbage soup, HCG to starve themselves but they don’t develop a debilitating eating disorder. They don’t get that pointless, dwelling, insecure, empty and secluded obsession with starvation. They don’t get ‘high’ off seclusion and loneliness, all the while feeding on it, but at the same time maintaining hope and desperately wanting real life back. When you suffer, and even throughout recovery, life is not real. If you’re in recovery right now and you think life is real, you’re not actively recovering and providing results, sorry nope. Nothing about it is pure, with raw emotion. Sure, there’s a ton of raw hate, fear and misconceptions along with a kids first Christmas list length of rules and regulations you set for yourself, but NONE of that is real. When you are diagnosed, and told you should be dead or momentarily you WILL be dead because your heart, BMI, blood pressure and insulin are tanked beyond belief…shit gets real. It’s like a quick glimpse. Shit, you fucked up. But where in the hell was reality the long extended period of time it took you to get where you are?

What the fuck happened to reality while you were jogging 10 miles, bloating yourself full with celery, calling half a slice of deli meat a protein sufficient meal, throwing away meals because no one was around, chugging 4 bottles of zero calorie Gatorade, and coming up with these bizarre ass lies about yourself, your life and not to mention your food. Did you ever just straight up lie? I did, I use to do it all the freakin time. I would create lies so big that by the end of it someone should have slapped me for trying to pull off something so stupid. I would tell my parents I ate at the cafeteria on campus, that I was ‘going to the mall’ when I really went and walked the 7 mile perimeter surrounding the mall with no desire to ever step foot in the establishment. I told them I had a sweet potato and burger at work(Logan’s, worked their while incredibly anorexic) so didn’t need food, however when I got home I had to complete my daily ritual and make a slightly burnt bag of fat free 100 calories popcorn. God forbid someone ask why I needed popcorn if I had just had dinner, bag would be in the trash and I would be lividly pissed, to the point I had to leave the house. But don’t worry mom, I had already eaten dinner. Would you daydream and ponder that something was off with you in the midst of doing the very disordered actions that were causing it? Lifting at the gym while pondering about how to restrict. Dozing off in class dreaming of food. Starring mindlessly at the food network channel while feeling this pride in the ability to starve. ‘Challenging’ yourself and your control by baking obnoxious amounts of cookies and calorie laden junk for other people and getting off to seeing them consume it. Lying in bed all night preplanning the next day’s routine (weigh, shower, workout, class, walk, workout, walk around random stores to stay away from home). Weighing, and thinking continuously dropping weight just might not be as good an idea as it feels but damn you’re strong and controlled. WHERE WAS REALITY WHEN I NEEDED IT???

My hair fell out and stuck to the side of the shower, my upper arms and stomach were full of blonde fuzzy hair like a polar bear, my eyes were so sunk in and empty looking I was a walking dead person. I couldn’t have a conversation because I didn’t know how to think in the moment. Everything that was said to me just passed by like a breeze. I couldn’t reply because I had no idea what you said. But geez, ask me what I did that day or what I ate, I would ramble on for 20 minutes justifying every single step I took that day. I didn’t just justify life to others, I spent my days and nights justifying everything I did to my other self, everything I was going to do, and everything I thought about.

But in comes recovery. Really, nothing good comes out of the first 6-8 months of recovery. The entire time frame blows ass. When done correctly, you hate your parents, you hate your doctors, you hate society, you hate those who question when your baby is due(all the weight is in your belly/face/arms), you have a love/hate relationship with God or you even lose all faith, you scream into pillows because you can’t go fucking walk 15 miles, you can’t plan a day of celery or carrots, you can’t see what you weigh, you can’t have your fat-free liquids, you can’t spend the day by yourself away from your family and society, you can’t just have ‘2 weeks to ‘get it right.’ Ever try that one? Someone steps into your ED territory trying to burst your bubble. You swear up and down with your life that given just 2 weeks you’ll get it right, you’ll change and no one will have to worry about you. THIS, THIS IS THE BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT that an anorexic can try and pull because guess what…2 weeks wont prove you anything and you won’t prove anything to anybody. It doesn’t work like that. Putting yourself on recovery death row for 2 weeks to ‘get better’ is like telling someone without a leg it’ll grow back in time. You’ll get it back don’t worry, walking in no time…

Most anorexics develop the disease without really knowing what it is. I had no idea what anorexia nervosa even was until I started googling when ‘dieting’ in college. I knew what bulimia was, because sorority girls did it in college, we learned about it in health class. But anorexia was a classification totally new to me. I never knew an anorexic. The simple fact is that with such a misunderstood disease, no one in the entire world will ever be able to experience what you do, what you went through, how starving in times of coping and stress is the best brain dopamine agonist in the world, like a line of coke to an addict. No one will ever be able to make decisions for you, tell you what will work, what is right, how to cure yourself. That’s not possible. If someone lays out a recovery plan for you saying do X Y Z and eat A B C… they are wrong. They are absolutely hands down 100% wrong and you should run away from them. No one knows how to recover from this mental illness besides you.

Thing is, YOU cannot recover yourself, but all the while YOU are the only one who can repair what’s wrong. That probably makes no sense. But it’s the acceptance. To accept recovery is a calming aspect only because the worry, fear, and justification is ended- and this only happens is you allow it. You accept recovery and the weight you carried on your shoulders and the justify-every-move-in-lies life has to end. You accept that yup, life’s gonna suck for a while but 6-8 months(hell even a year) is NOTHING compared to the time it took you to get this way and the time you have left to live a healthy minded existence.

Recovery isn’t what can I eat

Recovery isn’t now I can eat _____

Recovery isn’t what I cannot eat

Recovery isn’t a meal plan

 

Recovery is establishing a reality. Throughout recovery you work towards ONE THING, reality. When you start living everyday as it comes, in society without limitations and rituals, no justifications and food times. No restricting all day or preplanning. That is reality. The reality in the beginning is that that others need to be the ones running the accountability in your life. If you don’t surrender to anorexia, you will never recover. You can’t be tough your whole life, you’ll die. Understand your will power isn’t going to change, just allow it to go elsewhere. Understand your stubbornness isn’t going to change, but you cannot justify it with food and rituals any longer. Life is now recovery, not a bubble. When you wake up, someone has made you breakfast. Doesn’t matter WTF it is, sit the fuck down and eat. If afterwards your ‘recoveree’ (person in charge of your every move, action, intake) goes to the store your ass is going, not staying at home to tally, ritualize or workout. If he/she asks you to pick out dinner, you’re picking it out and EVERYONE will be eating it.

 

There’s reality throughout recovery and there is no doctor in the world who can tell you how it is. It is about weight. Your weight is dependent how how f*cked your body  is. Restricting, binging, purging, food choices, restrictions, exercise…all of this plays into how your weight drops, increases and flaunts on different parts of your body throughout recovery. You gain, you lose, you bloat, you piss your ass off… all parts of recovery. You shit and pray no one wants to enter the bathroom for a few hours, and you become constipated and AGONIZE over why you’re not ‘going’ and considering every route to getting shit out of you. All normal. You didn’t treat your body correctly so please, don’t expect it to act correctly. You’re going to over think everything, that’s your personality.

 

Also note:

 

You will fuck up in recovery

You will make good choices in recovery

You will reconsidering many choices afterward and consider how good they really were

You will convince yourself you’re going crazy

You mood will wildly fluctuate

Everything will be based around fear

You will snap at people, and yourself

YOU.WILL.BINGE.IN.RECOVERY.

 

 

AND LET ME TELL YOU from experience, one of the worst feelings in life will be post first binging episode. Holy wow. I have never felt so bad, wanted to run and workout the rest of my life, cried more and been angry at the same time ever. Expect it, shit happens. It’ll happen more than once. You’ll be full and then swear you want to nibble on food. You’ll go crazy if and when you attempt to calculate those calories you just ate. You’ll try to back out of some plans, but the good ol recoveree will drag you along.

At the same time, you’ll mentally restrict your entire recovery. Regardless of whether or not you gain weight, if you’re in recovery then damnit you’re gonna gain weight. But damnit at the same time you want 100% say in that weight gain, total control of it- aint happening. You will restrict somewhere, somehow. You’ll try to count up calories and your brain is GO_GO_GO until that magical weight where people will get off your back. But it doesn’t stop; you didn’t shut down your brain your entire weight gaining phase and when everyone is happy for you at the magic weight they determined, your brain is STILL moving a million miles an hour and still feeding off of your restrictive obsessions and the damned fear. The fear, it’s so real and there’s so much. The first thing you’ll attempt to do is to control your anxieties and that means immediate social withdrawal. You’ll be swarmed with so many irrational fears and behaviors. It’s always the next fear, the next step, the next choice, the next critique.

The IS recovery. These are all accomplishments and they need to be seen as just that. But at the same time, this IS LIFE. You need to accept that. When you get a dose of the real world, you understand how out of reality you are. It’s not food or weight. It’s about people, a job, a family, it’s about DOING FOR OTHERS. It’s about learning to budget your money to pay off loans, it’s about your car dying and not getting a used car loan to replace it, it’s about being laid off from your job, it’s about always having bills to pay, it’s about getting a flat, it’s about tripping over your own feet, it’s about hitting the 5pm rush hour. But its also about getting up and looking presentable and confident with yourself, making breakfast because it’ll make you happier and relatively more sane when the a$$wipe runs a stop sign in front of you. It’s about packing a lunch or going to lunch with coworkers because spending an hour away from the desk and in the park makes you feel good. Sharing food in the company of others makes you socially happy and confident. It’s about calling a husband or friend after work to hang out, cook dinner, sit around and complain or watch TV. It’s about picking up right when you get off work because someone asked you to go shoot pool. It’s about spending an entire weekend somewhere besides a comfort zone, taking plans as they come.

 

How do you do it? How do you get back the sane drive and success in emotions and relationships you once had? How do you end the self destruction and sole ‘purpose’ in life being everything you plan out?

 

You need to tackle fear. You need to tackle anxiety. You need to allow the overwhelming flood of fear to be resolved in a healthy manner. That takes other people. You need to direct your thoughts and actions toward other people, not yourself. You surely don’t think as irrationally about others and their lives as you do your own. It needs weight gain. You can’t tackle fear without weight gain. I think to date I have gained 40-45lbs. I still need to gain. Did you read that correctly….I AM STILL WORKING ON RECOVERY AND GAINING WEIGHT. I still fuck up. I still get caught up. I still do not have a menstrual cycle, 6 years and counting. I still stress. The difference is I don’t attack food, I don’t starve myself, and I don’t perform rituals and analyze food. I don’t preplan meals and I don’t obsess over food. As I have said from the get go, eat real food. There is some sort of medicinal purpose and healing in real food. Does that mean I have no problem overeating everyday to get the results I desire and need? Hell no but nothing is going to come of my complaining about it any longer. Accepting myself at a stable weight, normal BMI, and all health factors(save the period) in superb check pluses does not help me want to gain more weight. But this isn’t about what I want. This is about what I need. I am strong and confident enough not to need anyone on my back following my every move any longer.

 

Right now, this is where shit gets real. This is where you show how strong you are. Recovery is nothing, absolutely NOTHING until you are left with yourself, and your ability to maintain what you have accomplished and flourish with it. You no longer have anything to prove to anyone BUT yourself. You have to find self pride and self confidence because without it, you’ll resort back to rituals and bad food habits. If you don’t have the clarity to accept this and CONTINUE to provide yourself results, then you will resort to destructive habits. Remember what your goal is. Remember you have support. Remember you have belonging even when you lose sight of it.

 

It’s no longer that now I have to gain weight or now I have to provide results. I am no longer in recovery for other people. I no longer need to prove anything to anyone besides myself. No more my parents want this and that, the doctor expects these results…all that is gone. I am with myself, and I am in charge to acting like the 25 year old adult I am and dealing with life as it comes and on top of that working towards fertility. I do not want to disappoint myself or those who love me.

 

It seems a lot of people get into this stuffing their faces full of calories at night ritual in recovery or after weight gain. I don’t understand it. It makes no sense when you think about it IN reality. But I do suffer the same weird ass ritual sometimes. It’s like a hole you dig yourself into and it just keeps getting deeper and then you’re stuck. I can tell you the only way to get out of the habit is to break it, face the fear, and continue to face it. Accept it makes you miserable in terms of emotions, digestively and absolutely affects your ability to sleep and wake up refreshed. Accept that. Write it down. Remember those feelings. Wake up and remember it. Because you sure as hell do not want it to happen another night, not one. As stuck as you think you are, you’re  not. You can change it, you just need to tackle your fear. Which decision is going to end better? Which decision is better right now? Really, reality…think about it.

 

So have at it. I have no one expecting anything out of me…I KNOW what I want. I want a husband and children. That means looking and acting the part. No one will ever date a woman who doesn’t look capable of having children, nor will anyone be able to attach themselves to you until you learn to attach to yourself, show confidence with that self and provide that spark of mystery you once had- what kept people coming back for more.

 

Motivation Thursday, May 26 2011 

Going through life you set goals, you work hard and then you hope to reap what you sow, RIGHT? We are bred from childhood to distinguish between failure and success, between achieving and failing and some of us(actually very few in my opinion) ever learn what real hard work is. Be is physical or mental, VERY few people actually do work really hard for something they want.

What if recovery is going a bit slower than what you had hoped for? You tend to it, you think about it, and you overly nurture it holding on to ‘that’- whatever that is which makes you so damned different and disordered. Everyone has something to them, but those in recovery have ‘that’ and people can smell it from 100 miles away. Its mental, it is in your walk, it is in your talk, it is in your ability to say yes or no, to stick your nose up or go along with the ride. It is in your every move and detail of you life. You got it, and other people really truly think its fucked up…your different. Recovery involves mending this garden and getting rid of the weeds holding you back. How do you just stop, just change? How do you just go with it, the flow of life? Why the fuck cant you just be normal? These are thoughts and questions I have asked myself in the past, and aspects I still occasionally dwell on.

But the main goal and ability picked up by many in recovery is that patience is a virtue, you can’t force anything to happen and if you’re trying to, then stop it…let it go. There are sparks and highlights in recovery here and there; times when you’re damned proud of yourself, times when you should be a Mexican jumping bean of enthusiasm but you’re not, and times where you want and need the company of others but times where you need to be with yourself and learn to trust and accept that person.

People know your potential, don’t give anything less and don’t expect others to ‘settle’ with a lesser than adequate person. Give people your all, but give recovery your every ounce of energy because in the end, your own ability to maintain happiness is all that counts. When you find that passion you and everyone is born with, you can run with it, and be able to do whatever you want.

Take each day one at a time without goals and without standards, without plans, and without the ED mind in your presence. Eventually you look at a day with things to do, people to socialize with, feelings and aspects of real life, your ED is left behind because there is more to you now. Lose the selfishness and you lose the disease, one day after the other and just as beautiful as the last.

Can’t put your finger on it? Cant figure out HOW to get rid of the ED ora you travel everywhere with. Well, first thing is first, if you look like your starving, your brain is whacked out and you suffer some horrendous malnutrition. Either take it upon yourself to eat the fucking food, don’t worry about its tastes or textures and I would actually recommend you stick to bland foods. You need to lose the obsession you have with food, and plain fatty meat and potatoes is an easy route. Make a shit load, and eat it. It will already be cooked and ready. This takes the thinking about food away. It doesn’t matter WTF you think or count up, you’re gonna eat the same damned bland yet nutritious food(potato, sweet potato, ground beef, liver, chuck, pork butt, whole fishes, eggs etc) until your mind has had enough. You WILL lose the overly active reward mechanism in your brain- or at least repair it. So don’t go overly seasoning ANYTHING, if anything, just some sea salt on your food(NOT THE WHOLE THING coated and then dipped in salt). Get rid of the sauces, condiments and things you bank on your flavor because it isn’t helping slow down your mind. KISS

Patience is what seems to be bountifully on your side in recovery. It takes forever, yes. But guess what, actively(this means making progress by the way, actual results…GET SOME) acting upon yourself and your recovery is everything youll ever need. Learn to appreciate and be proud of the fruits of your labor(mostly mental). Sit with yourself ans you learn to accept that pride and achievement. You need to take pride in everything that has come to be. But for most and myself included, it seems like you just can’t quite get the routine right. This point is crucial. No matter what, don’t give up on it. EVERY ONE has their time, their pace and their patience! THE POINT, is staying active. Don’t expect results if youre not changing. Don’t expect to be less than obsessed with food if your choking down artificial sweeteners and bottle dips on everything, or better yet is your using a whole seasoning cabinet on everything you do eat. Those do not give results. Those feed addiction, and this feeds an eating disorder. Don’t try and think up the best combo of food just because you know you have to eat. No, lose the obsession, lose the flavor enhancement, lose the ‘it’ you carry around with you. If you are constantly improving and fine tuning your work, keep going! Recovery lies in seeing changes, not thinking about them, having results, not planning for them.

Step back and see what you can improve on….but then do actually DO IT. Like they say doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity. Don’t throw in the towel, but make changes. You have to. Your doomed if you don’t.
what do you do to keep going forward, to not give up? Ultimately you can’t expect someone to just go recover and change their every move and expect to gain something in life. That would be expecting them to change who they are. There is nothing you can do about right now, like it or hate it. You cant make anyone understand or make someone else change who they are. The world will not change to cater to you. Nothing you can do about that either. Don’t lose that spark for a passion, get worn out and discouraged by too much rejection, or just not getting far enough no matter how much the re-haul or effort put in. keep at it. Make active changes. Make changes that are seeable. Make changes you can appreciate and changes others can see, talk about, enjoy.accomplishing a goal is one thing, like tackling a fear food, but grabbing the world and attacking a fear food IS recovery. Everyone can enjoy it, share it, and be part of it. THIS forces the mental obsession away. THIS is what, over time and repeated, will bring results.

You get back whatever you put out, so don’t think about what you don’t have or what you didn’t get. Perhaps learning to let go of that want will be the best thing to do. To be satisfied with what you have, and anything else is just ____. Do not let something out of nowhere erase your self confidence and drive for recovery. Don’t let someone dampen your spirits or harp on something you do(given it is a good thing)

“Never think that God’s delays are God’s denials. Hold; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.”
- Georges-Louis Leclerc

I got Twitter :) and a Tan Thursday, May 19 2011 

Some I have hated since I ever learned about it….TWITTER…. I must confess, I joined :)

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Obviously I am updating… I have been doing some more reading, on the brain. It seems a lot of health bloggers are coming around to my instinct I grasped when i started over analyzing the brain in relation to health. The reward circuits are VERY interesting. If you are interested then I definitely insist you check out Stephan’s series on Obesity and Reward; it is a 3part series and ever so interesting. Matt Stone also did a recap on addiction and the brain here. Again, very intriguing and the comments are relate-able.

I am currently loving my potatoes :) I also ate like 3 pints of fresh strawberries in the past week. But I am also still in love with my fat, for real…you’ll never ever convince me fat is bad when it comes from good sources. I love me some BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTA, macadamia nuts, coconut oil, ghee, lard, even avocados(I got 3 for $1.50 and ate them all lol)…I think you get the idea haha.

So, y’all are free to follow me if you want, don’t know how much tweeting I will do it’s just cool to click up on when the ADD kicks in at the desk job haha.

http://twitter.com/#!/MalPaz2003

Post Lent Showdown! Wednesday, Apr 27 2011 

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Still alive guys! I am thinking of starting a new blog just about my everyday life (and the amount of weirdos I run into day to day) but then I remembered I cant even keep this on running updated soooooo we will see.

Anyways for lent I gave up taking photos of myself, and I gave up dairy. 40 DAYS WITH NO DAIRY PRODUCT WHATSOEVER. I thought the first couple of days I was going to die because I missed the dense saltiness. But, I learned a few things. Like how to eat real food and use it to your liking. Just a few foods I have been inhaling the past 40+days:

*Okinawan Potatoes…everyone in the world needs to try these

*Weird potatoes form the Asian store(I don’t know their names!)

*Sweet taters

*Taro

*Coconut oil & flakes

*Acorn Squash(as a dessert with butter & cinnamon)

*Eggs(especially scrambled in pork fat)

*beef shank

*oxtail

*pork belly

*dandelion greens

*steak/chicken/pork steak- the usual cuz something is always on sale

*homemade sausage(spiked with fennel yum)

*beef jelllllooooooo(stock)

*clams/WHOLE roasted fishes/shrimp/crab

*typical canned sardines/salmon

*tried beets(ehh…ok)

Trying some different sauces…tomato and mustard and stock and learning to use spices and fresh herbs so send recipes my way if you got em! Having no meat on Fridays was actually fun and I might keep it up. Gives me more reason to roast whole fishes!!!!!!!

If you can tell I totally got over any lingering fear of starch and carbohydrates. Gonna add in rice sometime and see how I handle it. Still totally primal(even more so sans dairy) because I think it’s right for me, you do what works for you as always J I don’t know if I will add back dairy because my digestion is superb. I credit it to all the bone marrow in the shanks, knowing on oxtails, and yummy fermented vegetables. Actually, I don’t know I would classify myself as ANYTHING, as a good, smart man said in this post _Archevore_ it is all about finding what modern day offers us to be healthy and what it doesn’t.

Basically I am a happy and not worried about much. Fertility is on my mind, but I have accepted what will happen will happen. I think that’s the most sane and rational thing someone in my position can do.

By the way, a year ago this time I was starting to try chin ups. I couldn’t even do ONE. Then I worked up with negatives, jumping up to the chin up and slowly lowering. Then I attempted chin ups until I could do one….NOW I CAN DO 3 SETS OF 12….Get On My Level!!!!!!!!!!!

Acceptance Friday, Apr 15 2011 

http://thehealthyskeptic.org/living-with-chronic-illness-the-power-of-acceptance

Probably the best explanation and rationality for what i constantly promote… ACCEPTANCE. Please, take a minute to read this one!!

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