Facing the Inevitable Friday, Mar 9 2012 

There is a deep emotional ‘umbilical cord attachment’ to your mom. She has this ‘know what’s going on’ feeling about you as her daughter. She senses your emotions, knows what to say and can sit in a room quiet with just because she knows it comforts you. She is there when you need her, she has an undying love for you and will do any and everything in her ungodly power to make you happy at any and every expense of her own happiness. She is strong and mighty. She is caring and resourceful. She is your everything. She is a mom. She is my mom. The same one who has informed me of the deep rooted feelings and attachments liken to having a child.

I want to shake my fist a God and I want isolation, a place to cry. I want to stay far away from any male who will come near such a less than adequate female. I long for attention and love but run from emotion and attachment. I am not a real woman, and through my own selfish dealing and decisions I am left incapable of reproducing…the sole reason I was put on this earth. I can’t even do what I am meant to do. I can’t do what I have longed for my entire life, to cherish and carry a living human in my body to birth and to love endlessly. I feel like a cruel and selfish individual, a living moving target at my own frustration. The innocence of a child is the most precious gift of life itself. I ripped away any chance of experiencing this through a child of my own. It’s gone.

It is something that will cross my tracks every day of the rest of my life and I cannot get it back. I regret all of my decisions every day. I knock heads with god and I infuriate my mind with self hate and a less than adequate status. I destroy myself and am bound to come tumbling down, only as my own punishment for living such a selfish self centered diseased existence for so long. You can’t ask for hope because hope doesn’t exist, it is impossible. There is no miraculous cure, no pill to swallow besides that of your own self worth and pride. There is no best of the worst way to deal with it. Sure, get on with life. The easiest thing to do for someone who has absolutely no idea what this feeling is like. I am a waste of a human, just taking up too much space in this already hectic crowded world.

Yet I am supposed to hold it together because even worse is people worrying about me, a serious waste of time. So swallow your lump, wipe your tears, get dressed and put on your act every day for the rest of your life like somehow it is all worth something. The ultimate privilege of being a woman is motherhood. There is a bullshit fallacy that renders children as nothing more than drudgery and inconvenience- I cannot imagine something further from the truth. I have more free time than I care to enjoy, more success at my job than I probably deserve. I have one drive, which is motherhood. The excelling in the workforce, in school, in knowledge and society are all second place to birthing a child and feeling that connection- it must be the ultimate pleasure and warming contentment life has to offer. There is a privilege to parenthood, high in standings I will never feel.

A joy I will never experience; everyone around me is getting pregnant. I want to know what it is like. There are babies everywhere. It is so overwhelming. I am so happy for them, but I feel like I deserve to get pregnant or stand the chance. Why are they allowed and I cannot?? All I can say now is, I’m sorry. For whatever it’s worth. For however far it can go…mom, dad and my could have been kids. I am so incredibly sorry. I feel like I have no excuse and I have no words. No words that can really make it right. But I did it all wrong- I did life wrong. I did the best years of my life fucked up backwards. I fucked it all up. And I am truly sorry. More sorry than I have probably been for anything in a very long time. I would go to the end of the earth and back a million times to take back what I have done, sacrifice every single belonging and feeling I have if I could have hope again. And I am sick of the suggestions, the advice. There is no miracle pill; no try this try that, just calm down, just don’t worry. Just relax…ahhhh….damn that’s annoying, it doesn’t help and it doesn’t work. Stress affecting me sure, but damnit I can’t have  kids, period and yes I am fucking stressed about it. It is my fault. There’s no fixing it. It is all I want. I want to know would my baby have my eyes, my personality, my strength, my nose, my husband’s habits, his eyes…nothing. I won’t know what any of that is like. Did I just not try hard enough? A quitter?

I am a girl, who will never be a woman, who has had her heart completely crushed into a thousand pieces by infertility. A girl who has been immersed in this world long enough to see others hurt even worse; worse than I ever would have believed possible. A girl who has seen too much, fallen too hard, and learned that all too often – the unthinkable can happen. I am a girl who is no longer blind to the pitfalls of this world. No take backs for this one. it hurts. It hurts deep down in my heart with hate circling through my head I could never translate to paper. I can’t look back and be proud, I can’t look back and say it was worth it. It was hideous, it was frivolous. But I fought with everything I had to be where I am today, and I can’t have the one drive I had in recovery- hopes of motherhood one day. It’s gone, all hope, all worthiness.

Life isn’t always fair, hell usually it is never fair. But sometimes it is downright brutal. I am struggling to cope with understanding life can be so damn brutal. I wish I could have it all but I can’t so I wish the best of luck and success for those who can. I wish for their happiness, their pregnancy and womb to be filled with never ending blessed love that mine will not. I wish the happy ending I will never achieve because, that is not who I am. I cannot be who I want to be.

And Then There was Mal… Wednesday, Feb 1 2012 

If anyone still reads my blog, just letting you know I am alive!! What have I been up to?

Well, I have no conquered the world…yet, but I did get a raise. Even better, I get to file my taxes soon and low and behold, I will get close-to-nothing back and probably owe the state, again, while everyone else around me continues buying Doritos, frozen egg rolls and cases of Coke with their food stamps. Oh, and they get free cell phones now too, 200 free minutes. If I could only not feel like I was going to hell for working the system I would do it…but low and behold, I have a conscience.

I am actually at this obnoxious-mind-consuming crossroad in my life. I am recovered from an eating disorder but still living in my head(more often than not), I have a full time job but not moving up anytime soon(no college degree), I have a new car but can barely rub a penny between my ass to make monthly payments on top of student loans, carrying full insurance, rent, bills, cell phone…oh right, and our shitty president is giving everyone free handouts but gas is $3.45/gallon. So I am living but not getting anywhere, eating but not understanding my body and what it actually would flourish on.

Ever read a bunch of foodie blogs of gorgeous chicks and their amazing creations and then think you’re doing everything wrong? I get especially frustrated(with myself) when I read of cardio bunny Gertrude(made up name hah picked one I doubt anyone has…damnit, now I know I just offended someone) eating green smoothies laced with crack-chia-vegemite-proteinpowder-chickpea-walnutbutter…and I ponder if this is real life, and people really put stuff like this together? Her PUFA content should have her dying approximately tomorrow with diabetes and NAFLD. And where’s her beef liver and eggs OMG she’s healthy happy and NOT paleo!??!

And she isn’t lifting 300 lbs 3 times a week heavy ass squatting ass to the ground and throwing herself at the ground only to jump back up and repeat it 100 times!??! Hell, even Beyonce can drink lemon spiked cayenne detox flush drinks and have a baby. I think my pissed off tone behind this is the fact that as I understand it, and as I comprehend it, none of this should be possible because spending 2934534 hours of my life reading about health and nutrition and reading study after study tells me, right there in arial font 12 point BOLD that all this is unhealthy, all of it will cause a fatty liver, diabetes, cancer wtf ever else you want to add to the list.

BUT, and there’s a but… damn if she doesn’t look healthy and damn if she doesn’t seem happy. Is there like this shadow of shit-on-me for someone who recovers from an eating disorder that says you will have lowgrade constant depression for eternity?? To me, it feels like there is. And for all I know it may be self loathing, why don’t I just snap out of it, why don’t I get out of my head, why don’t I ‘just get over it’. Trust me, if I could just do it(no pun) I would. “Oh Mallory, you look so much better, you must be eating well these days”… do not, like ever say this to anyone whether they once looked like an emancipated crack whore or they lived off a feeding tube for 6 months. It’s just stupid.

I am not loving my body, but I cant keep hating it because it seems to function worse when I do. I got some bloodwork showing I have damn near zero inflammation in my body and an almost undetectable c-reactive protein meaning there’s no bad stuff going on. Weeee so she’s healthy(with elevated iron, obviously, no rocket scientist is needed to figure out my meat gorging with no monthly bleeding is gonna lead to elevated iron…) but I surely still am not a socially-acceptable function as I should 26 year old woman. TWENTY-SIX-YEARS-OLD….and I am scared of becoming 30, 40 and still just ‘being her’ just living repeating the same shit day after day after day.

For what it’s worth, the life long consequences of this recovery stuff from something as severe as anorexia nervosa….they blow ass. On top of blowing ass myself usually post meal, my body will forever be in ‘famine mode’….7 years starving yourself and you didn’t die so now you have the rest of your existence to pack on weight with everything you eat, live with muckin-fucked up hormones and blood sugar problems, royally shitty sleeping patterns, and the all around inability to sit with yourself, let alone sit still.

So that I stop wallowing in my own self doubt and self pity I made a list of to do’s for 2012, I know one month late. It took a while for me to get out of my own head to decide what I want to change and a direction to ‘attempt’ to go in. why the hell is change so damned hard? Hardest will be getting away from the web. I swear I develop addictions easier than anyone in the world. I can literally have 50 browser web pages open because I get this rush of reading and information and overload. What the hell is that? I haven’t the slightest clue, but I love it.

Personal

*spend an entire day lying around

*spend an entire day in the kitchen baking(food I will eat)

*travel, randomly, unplanned…especially to New Orleans

*spend 24 hours outside…sun up to sun down

*find a new adrenaline rush(that isn’t mind numbing obsession)

*get more sleep

*master 3×15 chin ups (done, once)

*muscle-up

*take a mineral oil bath once a week with lotsa bubbles, then do girlie things like my nails and a facial

*find a place that is genuinely quiet, and listen

*meditate to the sun rising

*meditate to the sun setting

*run a 10k for a good cause

*go to church more

*get a gun, and be able to kill a m*therf*cker confidently

*volunteer at church

*pay more attention to what is going on in the world

*more spontaneity

*stay off the internet

*express myself instead of hide with a good act

Culinary

*learn to can food- pressure cooker

* master my cast iron dutch oven my momma got me

*master my bone broth

*master a rue(yes, that means flour)

*put together a recipe collage, at least get one started

*make a meal 100% from scratch- seed to ground to harvest to plate with only what I produce

*plant kabocha squash(b/c I am in love…) and pray it grows well here…DONE, just ordered seeds

*start a herb garden(basil….nom)

*find some local farmers for eggs and meat

*stick to eating local(or maybe not)

*go vegetarian for a week, just because I can

*get me some oysters more often, and master shuckin

*actually CATCH a crab on the coast

*use my fishing license

*make a meal based around a Hawaiian Potato(aka Okinawan)

*master roast beef(the seasoning rub)

Oh, and get to drinkin some mixed bevvvverages more often…

And here is how I see my future. No one down here really knows me, I don’t go out, I don’t have many friends outside the work place, yet for some reason I find it hard to hang out with my family as it seems to promote oddly acute amounts of anxiety. Based on that, it surely doesn’t matter whether I am 100lbs or whether I am 170lbs, no one knows me. There isn’t anything ‘to be expected’ so if for the life of me I can figure out how to ‘just be’ I just might have a chance at developing a personality outside health/nutrition before I die….maybe, just a slight possibility. Basically, I am sick of myself. I want a friend whom I can randomly show up at their house unannounced just because, I wanna bake some cookies, listen to music and pour some strawberry daiquiris. I want to spend days in the sun at the pool with my family, grilling out and enjoying the company and food and not spending the time preoccupied in my mind catching up on sleep I didn’t get the night before. And I feel like really, this is all my fault. I don’t do these things. Hell, I tried to quit smoking and it lasted 60 hours, then I text my mom telling her I was going to slit my wrist or commit suicide because the desire to injure myself was obnoxious. All this over nicotine? I literally CRIED for almost 24 hours over a cigarette….it had been YEARS since I cried myself to sleep!

Change is hard for anyone. Change for someone with my mind is epically impossible, or so it seems, but it IS DOWNRIGHT a matter of me changing my routines and habits. I mean if I think about it, I am going to die, we all are, regardless of how we live and what we do. As soon as you’re born, you can guarantee you’re going to die, at some point. I am not the typical EAT EGG WHITE SCRAMBLED WITH SPINACH AND TOFU NUGGETS OR DIE…but I need to get away from EAT GRASSFED BEEF AND YOUR VEGETABLES MUST HAVE BUTTER AND GOD FORBID YOU DON’T EAT 2G/PROTEIN PER POUND OF LBM(or some other obnoxious amount) A DAY AND LIFT HEAVY SHIT 3 X A WEEK AND DO NOT TOUCH CORN/BEANS AND IF YOU EAT FRUIT IT IS IMMEDIATELY BEING TURNED INTO FAT BECAUSE ALL THINGS FRUCTOSE WILL KILL YOU AND ALL THINGS OMEGA 6 KEEL YOU OVER 6 FEET UNDER.

There needs to be balance… I need to find it. No one can find it but me. I idolize 2 bloggers. One is Heather @ Heather Eats Almond Butter. She probably hasn’t the slightest clue who I am, because I do not comment on her blog, but her way of living and the reflection of happiness form her blog, and soon to be 3 kids(congrats if you see this!)…it is the epitome of awesome to me. I envy her. The other is Eden @ Eden Eats Everything. She’s fucking hilarious…I lol everytime I read her blog. Our minds think alike…well maybe not. I am convinced I am the female version of Dexter…a MUST watch show for anyone with a mucked up mind. If I ever remembered to type out the funny shit that boggles my mind I could make people piss their pants. I run into some downright bizarre shit here in the south.

I need to stop obsessing about health and nutrition and seeing so onewaystreet in my thoughts about food and do some more life enjoyment…

Mardis Gras season approaching and starting should be a good place. I want to decorate my 1900 antique-20ft ceiling-rip-off-rental house for mardis gras season…and I have hardcore Baptist/Christian roommates. Baha, should be interesting. One lady at work informs me of my bloodsucking worshipping every mardis gras season…

What to give up for the 40 days and 40 nights…maybe ‘giving a fuck’ is a good place for me to start !

That Day… Monday, Jun 27 2011 

Where you get your ass back in gear, clear your mind, meditate and get on with life…

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PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES

GROW UP

PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE

AND KEEP GOING…

 

 

I

WANT

MY

FERTILITY

Where I stand… Sunday, Jun 5 2011 

Does it ever cross your mind why you developed an eating disorder? Like, of everyone in the whole entire flippin world, VERY FEW PEOPLE truly suffer from real anorexia nervosa. Sure, plenty of people use retarded weightloss methods like veganism, kimkins, cabbage soup, HCG to starve themselves but they don’t develop a debilitating eating disorder. They don’t get that pointless, dwelling, insecure, empty and secluded obsession with starvation. They don’t get ‘high’ off seclusion and loneliness, all the while feeding on it, but at the same time maintaining hope and desperately wanting real life back. When you suffer, and even throughout recovery, life is not real. If you’re in recovery right now and you think life is real, you’re not actively recovering and providing results, sorry nope. Nothing about it is pure, with raw emotion. Sure, there’s a ton of raw hate, fear and misconceptions along with a kids first Christmas list length of rules and regulations you set for yourself, but NONE of that is real. When you are diagnosed, and told you should be dead or momentarily you WILL be dead because your heart, BMI, blood pressure and insulin are tanked beyond belief…shit gets real. It’s like a quick glimpse. Shit, you fucked up. But where in the hell was reality the long extended period of time it took you to get where you are?

What the fuck happened to reality while you were jogging 10 miles, bloating yourself full with celery, calling half a slice of deli meat a protein sufficient meal, throwing away meals because no one was around, chugging 4 bottles of zero calorie Gatorade, and coming up with these bizarre ass lies about yourself, your life and not to mention your food. Did you ever just straight up lie? I did, I use to do it all the freakin time. I would create lies so big that by the end of it someone should have slapped me for trying to pull off something so stupid. I would tell my parents I ate at the cafeteria on campus, that I was ‘going to the mall’ when I really went and walked the 7 mile perimeter surrounding the mall with no desire to ever step foot in the establishment. I told them I had a sweet potato and burger at work(Logan’s, worked their while incredibly anorexic) so didn’t need food, however when I got home I had to complete my daily ritual and make a slightly burnt bag of fat free 100 calories popcorn. God forbid someone ask why I needed popcorn if I had just had dinner, bag would be in the trash and I would be lividly pissed, to the point I had to leave the house. But don’t worry mom, I had already eaten dinner. Would you daydream and ponder that something was off with you in the midst of doing the very disordered actions that were causing it? Lifting at the gym while pondering about how to restrict. Dozing off in class dreaming of food. Starring mindlessly at the food network channel while feeling this pride in the ability to starve. ‘Challenging’ yourself and your control by baking obnoxious amounts of cookies and calorie laden junk for other people and getting off to seeing them consume it. Lying in bed all night preplanning the next day’s routine (weigh, shower, workout, class, walk, workout, walk around random stores to stay away from home). Weighing, and thinking continuously dropping weight just might not be as good an idea as it feels but damn you’re strong and controlled. WHERE WAS REALITY WHEN I NEEDED IT???

My hair fell out and stuck to the side of the shower, my upper arms and stomach were full of blonde fuzzy hair like a polar bear, my eyes were so sunk in and empty looking I was a walking dead person. I couldn’t have a conversation because I didn’t know how to think in the moment. Everything that was said to me just passed by like a breeze. I couldn’t reply because I had no idea what you said. But geez, ask me what I did that day or what I ate, I would ramble on for 20 minutes justifying every single step I took that day. I didn’t just justify life to others, I spent my days and nights justifying everything I did to my other self, everything I was going to do, and everything I thought about.

But in comes recovery. Really, nothing good comes out of the first 6-8 months of recovery. The entire time frame blows ass. When done correctly, you hate your parents, you hate your doctors, you hate society, you hate those who question when your baby is due(all the weight is in your belly/face/arms), you have a love/hate relationship with God or you even lose all faith, you scream into pillows because you can’t go fucking walk 15 miles, you can’t plan a day of celery or carrots, you can’t see what you weigh, you can’t have your fat-free liquids, you can’t spend the day by yourself away from your family and society, you can’t just have ‘2 weeks to ‘get it right.’ Ever try that one? Someone steps into your ED territory trying to burst your bubble. You swear up and down with your life that given just 2 weeks you’ll get it right, you’ll change and no one will have to worry about you. THIS, THIS IS THE BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT that an anorexic can try and pull because guess what…2 weeks wont prove you anything and you won’t prove anything to anybody. It doesn’t work like that. Putting yourself on recovery death row for 2 weeks to ‘get better’ is like telling someone without a leg it’ll grow back in time. You’ll get it back don’t worry, walking in no time…

Most anorexics develop the disease without really knowing what it is. I had no idea what anorexia nervosa even was until I started googling when ‘dieting’ in college. I knew what bulimia was, because sorority girls did it in college, we learned about it in health class. But anorexia was a classification totally new to me. I never knew an anorexic. The simple fact is that with such a misunderstood disease, no one in the entire world will ever be able to experience what you do, what you went through, how starving in times of coping and stress is the best brain dopamine agonist in the world, like a line of coke to an addict. No one will ever be able to make decisions for you, tell you what will work, what is right, how to cure yourself. That’s not possible. If someone lays out a recovery plan for you saying do X Y Z and eat A B C… they are wrong. They are absolutely hands down 100% wrong and you should run away from them. No one knows how to recover from this mental illness besides you.

Thing is, YOU cannot recover yourself, but all the while YOU are the only one who can repair what’s wrong. That probably makes no sense. But it’s the acceptance. To accept recovery is a calming aspect only because the worry, fear, and justification is ended- and this only happens is you allow it. You accept recovery and the weight you carried on your shoulders and the justify-every-move-in-lies life has to end. You accept that yup, life’s gonna suck for a while but 6-8 months(hell even a year) is NOTHING compared to the time it took you to get this way and the time you have left to live a healthy minded existence.

Recovery isn’t what can I eat

Recovery isn’t now I can eat _____

Recovery isn’t what I cannot eat

Recovery isn’t a meal plan

 

Recovery is establishing a reality. Throughout recovery you work towards ONE THING, reality. When you start living everyday as it comes, in society without limitations and rituals, no justifications and food times. No restricting all day or preplanning. That is reality. The reality in the beginning is that that others need to be the ones running the accountability in your life. If you don’t surrender to anorexia, you will never recover. You can’t be tough your whole life, you’ll die. Understand your will power isn’t going to change, just allow it to go elsewhere. Understand your stubbornness isn’t going to change, but you cannot justify it with food and rituals any longer. Life is now recovery, not a bubble. When you wake up, someone has made you breakfast. Doesn’t matter WTF it is, sit the fuck down and eat. If afterwards your ‘recoveree’ (person in charge of your every move, action, intake) goes to the store your ass is going, not staying at home to tally, ritualize or workout. If he/she asks you to pick out dinner, you’re picking it out and EVERYONE will be eating it.

 

There’s reality throughout recovery and there is no doctor in the world who can tell you how it is. It is about weight. Your weight is dependent how how f*cked your body  is. Restricting, binging, purging, food choices, restrictions, exercise…all of this plays into how your weight drops, increases and flaunts on different parts of your body throughout recovery. You gain, you lose, you bloat, you piss your ass off… all parts of recovery. You shit and pray no one wants to enter the bathroom for a few hours, and you become constipated and AGONIZE over why you’re not ‘going’ and considering every route to getting shit out of you. All normal. You didn’t treat your body correctly so please, don’t expect it to act correctly. You’re going to over think everything, that’s your personality.

 

Also note:

 

You will fuck up in recovery

You will make good choices in recovery

You will reconsidering many choices afterward and consider how good they really were

You will convince yourself you’re going crazy

You mood will wildly fluctuate

Everything will be based around fear

You will snap at people, and yourself

YOU.WILL.BINGE.IN.RECOVERY.

 

 

AND LET ME TELL YOU from experience, one of the worst feelings in life will be post first binging episode. Holy wow. I have never felt so bad, wanted to run and workout the rest of my life, cried more and been angry at the same time ever. Expect it, shit happens. It’ll happen more than once. You’ll be full and then swear you want to nibble on food. You’ll go crazy if and when you attempt to calculate those calories you just ate. You’ll try to back out of some plans, but the good ol recoveree will drag you along.

At the same time, you’ll mentally restrict your entire recovery. Regardless of whether or not you gain weight, if you’re in recovery then damnit you’re gonna gain weight. But damnit at the same time you want 100% say in that weight gain, total control of it- aint happening. You will restrict somewhere, somehow. You’ll try to count up calories and your brain is GO_GO_GO until that magical weight where people will get off your back. But it doesn’t stop; you didn’t shut down your brain your entire weight gaining phase and when everyone is happy for you at the magic weight they determined, your brain is STILL moving a million miles an hour and still feeding off of your restrictive obsessions and the damned fear. The fear, it’s so real and there’s so much. The first thing you’ll attempt to do is to control your anxieties and that means immediate social withdrawal. You’ll be swarmed with so many irrational fears and behaviors. It’s always the next fear, the next step, the next choice, the next critique.

The IS recovery. These are all accomplishments and they need to be seen as just that. But at the same time, this IS LIFE. You need to accept that. When you get a dose of the real world, you understand how out of reality you are. It’s not food or weight. It’s about people, a job, a family, it’s about DOING FOR OTHERS. It’s about learning to budget your money to pay off loans, it’s about your car dying and not getting a used car loan to replace it, it’s about being laid off from your job, it’s about always having bills to pay, it’s about getting a flat, it’s about tripping over your own feet, it’s about hitting the 5pm rush hour. But its also about getting up and looking presentable and confident with yourself, making breakfast because it’ll make you happier and relatively more sane when the a$$wipe runs a stop sign in front of you. It’s about packing a lunch or going to lunch with coworkers because spending an hour away from the desk and in the park makes you feel good. Sharing food in the company of others makes you socially happy and confident. It’s about calling a husband or friend after work to hang out, cook dinner, sit around and complain or watch TV. It’s about picking up right when you get off work because someone asked you to go shoot pool. It’s about spending an entire weekend somewhere besides a comfort zone, taking plans as they come.

 

How do you do it? How do you get back the sane drive and success in emotions and relationships you once had? How do you end the self destruction and sole ‘purpose’ in life being everything you plan out?

 

You need to tackle fear. You need to tackle anxiety. You need to allow the overwhelming flood of fear to be resolved in a healthy manner. That takes other people. You need to direct your thoughts and actions toward other people, not yourself. You surely don’t think as irrationally about others and their lives as you do your own. It needs weight gain. You can’t tackle fear without weight gain. I think to date I have gained 40-45lbs. I still need to gain. Did you read that correctly….I AM STILL WORKING ON RECOVERY AND GAINING WEIGHT. I still fuck up. I still get caught up. I still do not have a menstrual cycle, 6 years and counting. I still stress. The difference is I don’t attack food, I don’t starve myself, and I don’t perform rituals and analyze food. I don’t preplan meals and I don’t obsess over food. As I have said from the get go, eat real food. There is some sort of medicinal purpose and healing in real food. Does that mean I have no problem overeating everyday to get the results I desire and need? Hell no but nothing is going to come of my complaining about it any longer. Accepting myself at a stable weight, normal BMI, and all health factors(save the period) in superb check pluses does not help me want to gain more weight. But this isn’t about what I want. This is about what I need. I am strong and confident enough not to need anyone on my back following my every move any longer.

 

Right now, this is where shit gets real. This is where you show how strong you are. Recovery is nothing, absolutely NOTHING until you are left with yourself, and your ability to maintain what you have accomplished and flourish with it. You no longer have anything to prove to anyone BUT yourself. You have to find self pride and self confidence because without it, you’ll resort back to rituals and bad food habits. If you don’t have the clarity to accept this and CONTINUE to provide yourself results, then you will resort to destructive habits. Remember what your goal is. Remember you have support. Remember you have belonging even when you lose sight of it.

 

It’s no longer that now I have to gain weight or now I have to provide results. I am no longer in recovery for other people. I no longer need to prove anything to anyone besides myself. No more my parents want this and that, the doctor expects these results…all that is gone. I am with myself, and I am in charge to acting like the 25 year old adult I am and dealing with life as it comes and on top of that working towards fertility. I do not want to disappoint myself or those who love me.

 

It seems a lot of people get into this stuffing their faces full of calories at night ritual in recovery or after weight gain. I don’t understand it. It makes no sense when you think about it IN reality. But I do suffer the same weird ass ritual sometimes. It’s like a hole you dig yourself into and it just keeps getting deeper and then you’re stuck. I can tell you the only way to get out of the habit is to break it, face the fear, and continue to face it. Accept it makes you miserable in terms of emotions, digestively and absolutely affects your ability to sleep and wake up refreshed. Accept that. Write it down. Remember those feelings. Wake up and remember it. Because you sure as hell do not want it to happen another night, not one. As stuck as you think you are, you’re  not. You can change it, you just need to tackle your fear. Which decision is going to end better? Which decision is better right now? Really, reality…think about it.

 

So have at it. I have no one expecting anything out of me…I KNOW what I want. I want a husband and children. That means looking and acting the part. No one will ever date a woman who doesn’t look capable of having children, nor will anyone be able to attach themselves to you until you learn to attach to yourself, show confidence with that self and provide that spark of mystery you once had- what kept people coming back for more.

 

Motivation Thursday, May 26 2011 

Going through life you set goals, you work hard and then you hope to reap what you sow, RIGHT? We are bred from childhood to distinguish between failure and success, between achieving and failing and some of us(actually very few in my opinion) ever learn what real hard work is. Be is physical or mental, VERY few people actually do work really hard for something they want.

What if recovery is going a bit slower than what you had hoped for? You tend to it, you think about it, and you overly nurture it holding on to ‘that’- whatever that is which makes you so damned different and disordered. Everyone has something to them, but those in recovery have ‘that’ and people can smell it from 100 miles away. Its mental, it is in your walk, it is in your talk, it is in your ability to say yes or no, to stick your nose up or go along with the ride. It is in your every move and detail of you life. You got it, and other people really truly think its fucked up…your different. Recovery involves mending this garden and getting rid of the weeds holding you back. How do you just stop, just change? How do you just go with it, the flow of life? Why the fuck cant you just be normal? These are thoughts and questions I have asked myself in the past, and aspects I still occasionally dwell on.

But the main goal and ability picked up by many in recovery is that patience is a virtue, you can’t force anything to happen and if you’re trying to, then stop it…let it go. There are sparks and highlights in recovery here and there; times when you’re damned proud of yourself, times when you should be a Mexican jumping bean of enthusiasm but you’re not, and times where you want and need the company of others but times where you need to be with yourself and learn to trust and accept that person.

People know your potential, don’t give anything less and don’t expect others to ‘settle’ with a lesser than adequate person. Give people your all, but give recovery your every ounce of energy because in the end, your own ability to maintain happiness is all that counts. When you find that passion you and everyone is born with, you can run with it, and be able to do whatever you want.

Take each day one at a time without goals and without standards, without plans, and without the ED mind in your presence. Eventually you look at a day with things to do, people to socialize with, feelings and aspects of real life, your ED is left behind because there is more to you now. Lose the selfishness and you lose the disease, one day after the other and just as beautiful as the last.

Can’t put your finger on it? Cant figure out HOW to get rid of the ED ora you travel everywhere with. Well, first thing is first, if you look like your starving, your brain is whacked out and you suffer some horrendous malnutrition. Either take it upon yourself to eat the fucking food, don’t worry about its tastes or textures and I would actually recommend you stick to bland foods. You need to lose the obsession you have with food, and plain fatty meat and potatoes is an easy route. Make a shit load, and eat it. It will already be cooked and ready. This takes the thinking about food away. It doesn’t matter WTF you think or count up, you’re gonna eat the same damned bland yet nutritious food(potato, sweet potato, ground beef, liver, chuck, pork butt, whole fishes, eggs etc) until your mind has had enough. You WILL lose the overly active reward mechanism in your brain- or at least repair it. So don’t go overly seasoning ANYTHING, if anything, just some sea salt on your food(NOT THE WHOLE THING coated and then dipped in salt). Get rid of the sauces, condiments and things you bank on your flavor because it isn’t helping slow down your mind. KISS

Patience is what seems to be bountifully on your side in recovery. It takes forever, yes. But guess what, actively(this means making progress by the way, actual results…GET SOME) acting upon yourself and your recovery is everything youll ever need. Learn to appreciate and be proud of the fruits of your labor(mostly mental). Sit with yourself ans you learn to accept that pride and achievement. You need to take pride in everything that has come to be. But for most and myself included, it seems like you just can’t quite get the routine right. This point is crucial. No matter what, don’t give up on it. EVERY ONE has their time, their pace and their patience! THE POINT, is staying active. Don’t expect results if youre not changing. Don’t expect to be less than obsessed with food if your choking down artificial sweeteners and bottle dips on everything, or better yet is your using a whole seasoning cabinet on everything you do eat. Those do not give results. Those feed addiction, and this feeds an eating disorder. Don’t try and think up the best combo of food just because you know you have to eat. No, lose the obsession, lose the flavor enhancement, lose the ‘it’ you carry around with you. If you are constantly improving and fine tuning your work, keep going! Recovery lies in seeing changes, not thinking about them, having results, not planning for them.

Step back and see what you can improve on….but then do actually DO IT. Like they say doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity. Don’t throw in the towel, but make changes. You have to. Your doomed if you don’t.
what do you do to keep going forward, to not give up? Ultimately you can’t expect someone to just go recover and change their every move and expect to gain something in life. That would be expecting them to change who they are. There is nothing you can do about right now, like it or hate it. You cant make anyone understand or make someone else change who they are. The world will not change to cater to you. Nothing you can do about that either. Don’t lose that spark for a passion, get worn out and discouraged by too much rejection, or just not getting far enough no matter how much the re-haul or effort put in. keep at it. Make active changes. Make changes that are seeable. Make changes you can appreciate and changes others can see, talk about, enjoy.accomplishing a goal is one thing, like tackling a fear food, but grabbing the world and attacking a fear food IS recovery. Everyone can enjoy it, share it, and be part of it. THIS forces the mental obsession away. THIS is what, over time and repeated, will bring results.

You get back whatever you put out, so don’t think about what you don’t have or what you didn’t get. Perhaps learning to let go of that want will be the best thing to do. To be satisfied with what you have, and anything else is just ____. Do not let something out of nowhere erase your self confidence and drive for recovery. Don’t let someone dampen your spirits or harp on something you do(given it is a good thing)

“Never think that God’s delays are God’s denials. Hold; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.”
– Georges-Louis Leclerc

Post Lent Showdown! Wednesday, Apr 27 2011 

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Still alive guys! I am thinking of starting a new blog just about my everyday life (and the amount of weirdos I run into day to day) but then I remembered I cant even keep this on running updated soooooo we will see.

Anyways for lent I gave up taking photos of myself, and I gave up dairy. 40 DAYS WITH NO DAIRY PRODUCT WHATSOEVER. I thought the first couple of days I was going to die because I missed the dense saltiness. But, I learned a few things. Like how to eat real food and use it to your liking. Just a few foods I have been inhaling the past 40+days:

*Okinawan Potatoes…everyone in the world needs to try these

*Weird potatoes form the Asian store(I don’t know their names!)

*Sweet taters

*Taro

*Coconut oil & flakes

*Acorn Squash(as a dessert with butter & cinnamon)

*Eggs(especially scrambled in pork fat)

*beef shank

*oxtail

*pork belly

*dandelion greens

*steak/chicken/pork steak- the usual cuz something is always on sale

*homemade sausage(spiked with fennel yum)

*beef jelllllooooooo(stock)

*clams/WHOLE roasted fishes/shrimp/crab

*typical canned sardines/salmon

*tried beets(ehh…ok)

Trying some different sauces…tomato and mustard and stock and learning to use spices and fresh herbs so send recipes my way if you got em! Having no meat on Fridays was actually fun and I might keep it up. Gives me more reason to roast whole fishes!!!!!!!

If you can tell I totally got over any lingering fear of starch and carbohydrates. Gonna add in rice sometime and see how I handle it. Still totally primal(even more so sans dairy) because I think it’s right for me, you do what works for you as always J I don’t know if I will add back dairy because my digestion is superb. I credit it to all the bone marrow in the shanks, knowing on oxtails, and yummy fermented vegetables. Actually, I don’t know I would classify myself as ANYTHING, as a good, smart man said in this post _Archevore_ it is all about finding what modern day offers us to be healthy and what it doesn’t.

Basically I am a happy and not worried about much. Fertility is on my mind, but I have accepted what will happen will happen. I think that’s the most sane and rational thing someone in my position can do.

By the way, a year ago this time I was starting to try chin ups. I couldn’t even do ONE. Then I worked up with negatives, jumping up to the chin up and slowly lowering. Then I attempted chin ups until I could do one….NOW I CAN DO 3 SETS OF 12….Get On My Level!!!!!!!!!!!

Make Your Own Call… Tuesday, Apr 5 2011 

Anthropological Research Reveals Human
Dietary Requirements for Optimal Health
H. Leon Abrams, Jr., MA, EDS
Associate Professor Emeritus of Anthropology, ECJC,
University System of Georgia, Swainsboro, Georgia.

Journal of Applied Nutrition, 1982, 16:1:38-45
Reprinted with permission of the author.

Many claims are set forth stating what the “natural” diet of humans is
or should be, but in order to ascertain what constitutes the basic
dietary requirements for optimal health, the problem must be
approached from an anthropological perspective which encompasses the
total dietary evolution and history of mankind, a scrutinization and
syntheses of human diets from the earliest times to the present, the
diets of mankind’s nearest relatives, the primates, and cross-cultural
dietary comparisons of primitive and modern societies.

There are one hundred and ninety-two living higher species of primates
in addition to humans. (30) Until recently, it was taken for granted
that all monkeys and apes were vegetarians, but ethological studies
(1, 2, 12) revealed that all primates, in their natural habitat, also
eat small animals. The National Zoo in Washington attempted to breed
the Amazon Golden Marmoset monkey in captivity, but failed until
animal protein was added to their diet. (5) It had been erroneously
assumed that they were complete vegetarians, but apparently they must
have some animal protein in order to be fertile. With the addition of
animal protein, they reproduce rapidly in captivity. (5)

Until the research of Goodall (16, 52) it was assumed that Chimpanzees
eat only plant foods, but she discovered that they kill and eat
monkeys, baby baboons, and other small animals and concluded that
there was a small but fairly regular number of them captured and eaten
throughout the year. Gibbons, orangutans, and baboons also kill and
eat small animals regularly. (35, 44) The simplest of all primates,
the tree shrew, which resembles the supposed ancestor of today’s
primates most closely, lives entirely on small animals. Ethological
studies have necessitated the reclassification of monkeys and apes
from herbivores to omnivores, and indicate that all primates have a
basic need for some animal protein in their diet if health is to be
maintained. (1)

The first humans, the Australopithecines (9, 11, 54) (and Homo
habilis), who appeared around four million years ago, included food
plants in their diets, but they apparently ate a large number of small
animals and were scavengers; they ate the remains of any large animals
they could find, and therefore were able to secure a large amount of
meat. (43) Around one million years ago, man had evolved into Homo
Erectur (Peking and Java Man), and had greatly increased his ability
to hunt large game. His life centered entirely around the hunt for
game (4, 20, 50). Following in the evolutionary sequence was
Neanderthal man (early Homo Sapiens), followed by Cro-Magnon Man. (36)
Again, there has been a progressive increase in the hunting technology
especially for large game. The driving force that compelled Cro-Magnon
man to all unpopulated parts of the inhabitable world was his quest
for game. Actually, the disappearance of many game species, such as
the wild horse, mammoth, et. al., was not due to climatic change, but
to man hunting them to extinction in his quest for meat. (7, 28) From
the very beginning, the diet of humans has been meat oriented,
therefore the evidence seems to warrant the conclusion that our human
progenitors, from the very beginning around four million years ago,
have relied heavily upon meat as a major source of food; they were
omnivorous, but the emphasis was on meat, not on plant foods. (7) Man
turned only to agriculture, which began around 10,000 years ago, when
he had largely exhausted the seemingly endless supply of game due to
his ever increasing population. (7)

Of humans some four million years on earth, 99% of this time has been
that of hunting game and gathering wild plants. (21) And, when the
animals had been hunted to either extinction or near extinction, then
and only then did humans turn to agriculture and animal domestication.
(7) However, when humans turned to agriculture, a large percentage of
the crops was devoted to rearing domesticated animals for meat. Meat
has been, and remains so when available, the choice food of mankind
because it supplies all the nutrients, amino acids, minerals,
vitamins, and essential elements necessary to sustain sound health.
For example, the surest source of vitamin B-12 is animal protein. (2)

**********No cultures or people in the world have ever been 100%
vegetarians;
however, a number, such as the Masai of Africa (25, 26), Plains
Indians (7), the Eskimo (29, 42, 47, 48, 49) and the Lapps (34), in
their traditional culture, subsist almost entirely on meat and have
been very healthy. When they adapted to our modern diet which is high
in refined carbohydrates, their health deteriorated rapidly; they
developed a high incidence of degenerative diseases characteristic of
our modern civilization, especially heart disease.
(2)******************************************

In 1957, several hypotheses maintained that there is a direct
relationship between diet, especially animal fats, and coronary heart
disease and cancer of the colon. (19) All of these studies are
controversial because a large percentage of the supporting data has
been epidemiological in nature, and many studies contradictory to
these findings have been made (13, 14, 15, 22, 24, 25, 26, 27, 31, 32,
51).

The publicity given these studies implicating foods containing
cholesterol and saturated fats, such as “red meat,” in causing heart
disease and cancer, has prompted many people to adopt, erroneously, a
total or partial vegetarian diet in the hope of maintaining or
restoring sound health and thus avoiding heart disease and cancer.
(2)

For example, Puerto Ricans eat a large amount of animal fat, but have
a very low rate of colon cancer and breast cancer. (13) A comparative
study on the incidence of colon and breast cancer was carried out in
Finland and the Netherlands because both peoples consume about the
same amount of animal fat per capita per day. Even though the animal
fat consumption was the same, breast and colon cancer rates in the
Netherlands was discovered to be almost double that of Finland
although vegetable oil consumption in the Netherlands in much higher
than in Finland. (13)

Weidman and his colleagues (53) carried our a cross-cultural study,
with a follow-up, centered on specific adult risk factors for
atherosclerosis in 103 white school children ranging in age from six
to sixteen; and concluded that diet is not of major importance in
having an impact on serum cholesterol levels. (53) Although Americans
have been recommended to eat a diet moderate in cholesterol and
calories, if carried too far it may result in some high risk factors
for children and especially for those who show low serum cholesterol
levels. (53)

A study conducted by N.E. Hitchcock and M. Bracey in the town of
Busselton, Western Australia, contradicts the orthodox view that diet
is closely correlated with the body’s level of serum cholesterol
content indicating a high risk for heart attack. (17) They studied
three groups of mothers and children at Busselton; one with high
cholesterol, one with medium and one with low cholesterol levels. They
studied the diet patterns of each group and found no significant
difference among them in the percentage of daily energy contribution
of protein, fat or carbohydrates. They also noted that obesity was not
a factor in the cholesterol level since the levels or the obese did
not differ from the non-obese. They concluded that the result of their
study strongly indicates that diet does not account for the
differences in cholesterol levels of culturally homogenous groups.
They further state that the “correlation between habitual diet and
average serum cholesterol levels is good between contrasting
populations (for example, people of Japan and Finland),” and note that
“within a given culture, people eating the same kind of food can have
different serum lipids. Those who develop coronary heart disease do
not necessarily eat differently from those who do not.” (17)

As a result of the widespread publicity and promotion of vegetable
oils, millions of Americans are convinced that by not eating meat,
eggs, and dairy products and by consuming only plant fats
(polyunsaturated fats), that they will greatly reduce their chances of
suffering from heart disease that afflicts and kills a million or more
Americans every year. Scrutinization of the facts shows that they have
been lulled into a sense of false security. (23) They fail to know or
understand the following facts that are never carried in the
advertisements:

1. There is no positive or direct scientific proof that eating foods
high in cholesterol raises serum cholesterol levels. (23)

2. There is no positive or direct proof that high cholesterol levels
results in heart disease. (23)

3. There is no positive or direct proof that lowering cholesterol
levels will reduce one’s susceptibility to heart disease. (23)

4. Consuming great quantities of polyunsaturated fats or oils may be
detrimental to health. (23)

The present state of knowledge in the cholesterol diet controversy has
been evaluated by Reiser, who stated that the assumption that serum
cholesterol is directly related to saturated (animal fats) and
cholesterol in the diet is based upon three erroneous assumptions as
follows:

1. That each person is at equal risk of heart disease in proportion to
how much animal fat and cholesterol is included in the diet.

2. One’s risk of coronary heart disease will increase with the rise of
serum cholesterol.

3. One can control the rise in serum cholesterol by eliminating animal
fats and cholesterol containing foods.

He categorically sets forth clinical data that the above assumptions
are invalid when subjected to strict scientific investigation and do
not provide justification for people eliminating all animal fats and
meat from their diet. (38, 39, 40)

Michael DeBakey, world renowned heart surgeon from Houston, who has
devoted extensive research into the cholesterol coronary disease
theory, states that out of every ten people in the United States who
have atherosclerotic heart disease, only three or four of these ten
have high cholesterol levels; this is approximately the identical rate
of elevated cholesterol found in the general population. (10) His
comment: “If you say cholesterol is the cause, how do you explain the
other 60 percent to 70 percent with heart disease who don’t have a
high cholesterol?” In 1964 DeBakey made an analysis of cholesterol
levels from usual hospital laboratory testing of 1,700 patients with
atherosclerotic disease and found there was no positive or definitive
relationship or correlation between serum cholesterol levels and the
extent or nature of atherosclerotic disease. (10)

A comparative study of men in Crete and the village of Crevalcore,
Italy, indicates that there is probably no relationship between serum
cholesterol and coronary heart disease when the level is 245 mg of
cholesterol per 100ml. (38, 39, 40) The men in Crete show serum
cholesterol levels of 200mg/dl and have an incidence of less than one
coronary heart disease per 100 men in five years. In contrast, the men
in Crevalcore with similar serum cholesterol levels suffer an
incidence of approximately six cases of coronary heart disease in five
years. (38, 39, 40)

Many questions are being asked about the generally accepted and
greatly advertised theory that consumption of saturated fatty acids
(beef, lamb, mutton, butter, and pork) are major factors contributing
to hypercholesterolemia and heart disease, while the consumption of
polyunsaturated fatty acids (vegetable oils) will prevent coronary
heart disease. Rivers states that the trend toward eating so much
margarine and other vegetable oil products may be “exactly the wrong
thing,” and explains that because polyunsaturates are very unstable,
extra polyunsaturated fatty acids are added by substituting soft
margarines and stabilized vegetable oils for animal fats and butter.
The difficulty is, he continued, that the two changes lead to a
dramatic increase in the eating of trans-fatty acids that results in
hypercholesterolemic effects that far outweigh the reported benefits
of polyunsaturated fats. (41)

It seems that the human body requires some essential polyunsaturated
fatty acids such as linoleic and arachidonic acid, but the established
requirement seems to be only approximately 1% of calories. (18)
Studies strongly indicate that large consumption of margarine, and
other polyunsaturated vegetable fats, may be conducive to cancer. (37)
Animal experiments found that rats fed a chemical carcinogen in
addition to 20% vegetable polyunsaturated fat and a much higher
incidence of tumors than when fed a carcinogenic with animal fat. (37)
In a similar experiment, rats treated with a carcinogen and given 5%
corn oil had a 3.5 times higher incidence of colon tumors that did
rats who were maintained on 5% lard. (37)

Studies have also linked a high intake of polyunsaturates, which is
probably over 10% of the average American’s diet, with vitamin
deficiencies, liver damage, premature aging, nutritional muscular
dystrophy, cancer, and severe blood disease in infants. (23)
Polyunsaturated fatty acids are believed to be highly reactive
chemical compounds that render them possibly harmful; they can be
oxidized by ordinary cooking in one’s body when they react with
nitrous oxide in smog, from X-rays and sunlight and some trace metals
such as iron. (23) Passwater states that of fourteen tests conducted,
all showed a high correlation between eating high amounts of
polyunsaturates in the form of corn oil, peanut oil, margarines,
soybean oil, et al., and notes that presently Americans eat two to
three times more vegetable oils than were consumed sixty years ago. He
stresses that only from two to four percent of one’s diet should
consist of vegetable fats. (33)

Most hunting and gathering societies eat a large amount of meat. The
classical example is the Eskimo who lived almost entirely on land and
sea mammals, fish and birds. Anthropologist Vilhjalmur Steffansson,
who spent many years living with the Eskimo around the turn of the
century, found that they were in excellent health and remained so as
long as they maintained their traditional diet. (47) It was discovered
that as long as they ate fresh meat, they obtained an ample supply of
vitamin C which was previously thought to come only from plant
sources. However, cooking at high temperatures destroys vitamin C in
both meat and plant foods.

Although it was accepted that the Eskimo thrived in a high state of
good health on an almost complete meat diet, authorities stated that
the diet would probably be harmful for Europeans. To prove the thesis
that a 100% meat diet is sufficient for sound health, Vilhjalmur
Steffansson and Karsten Anderson submitted themselves to an experiment
conducted by The Russell Sage Institute of Pathology at Bellevue
Hospital, an affiliate of the Medical College of Cornell University.
For a period of one year, they ate only fresh meat in the ratio of two
pounds of fresh lean meat to one-half pound of fat per day.
Steffansson, who had been on the Eskimo diet for years, remained in
good health, while Anderson was found to be in much better physical
condition than when he began the experiment. (47) Steffansson
continued to live on the Eskimo diet for many decades, in very good
health, until his death at the age of 83.

Otto Schaeffer, a specialist in internal medicine and director of the
Northern Medical Research Unit at Charles Campbell Hospital, Arctic
Canada, found that as long as the Eskimo lived on his native diet in
the traditional manner, he remained in sound health and was
practically free from degenerative diseases, especially those that
afflict Americans. (42) He reports that with the adoption of the white
man’s diet, which consists largely of refined carbohydrates (sugar,
white flour), processed polyunsaturated fats, and other processed
foods, the Eskimo is widely afflicted with all the degenerative
diseases common to our modern society. (42)

There is a relationship between diet and degenerative diseases, but
the total history of mankind strongly indicates that the relationship
is not one of consuming meat and animal fats. Anthropological data
strongly suggest that as human societies developed a greater
dependence on cereal grain crops and other carbohydrate foods, such
was accompanied by undermining the health adaptations of food-
producing populations unless they were successfully able to maintain a
balance between meat and animal protein and their relatively low
content protein plant crops such as rice, wheat, barley, potatoes, and
corn. (6, 34) Since the last century, this deterioration has been
accelerated to a very high level due to the ever increasing use of
sugar (55, 56, 57, 58), refined white flour, coffee and other
caffeinated beverages, excessive consumption of salt, alcohol,
chemical preservatives, synthetic, processed and junk foods. (2)

it is in investigating the relationship of the effects that these
foods have upon the body, including smoking, that will probably be
most fruitful in providing answers to the ever increasing rate of
degenerative diseases.

Anthropological research proves that humans are both animal and plant
eaters, but of the two, animal foods are essential in human nutrition.
(2) The wisest diet is no doubt the one humans have followed for
millions of years, a diet that emphasizes fresh meat or animal protein
supplemented with wholesome plant foods augmented by ample exercise.

References

1. Abrams, H. Leon, Jr., “The Relevance of Paleolithic Diet in
Determining Contemporary Nutritional Needs,” J. Applied Nutr.
31:43-59. (1979).

2. Abrams, H. Leon, Jr., “Vegetarianism: AnAnthropological/Nutritional
Evaluation,” J. Applied Nutr. 32:53-87. (1980).

3. Bates, Marston, Gluttons and Libertines, New York, Random House,
pp. 48-49, (1967).

4. Braidwood, Robert J., Prehistoric Men, 8th edition, Glenville,
Ill., Scott, Foresman and Co., pp. 52-113, (1975).

5. Campbell, Sheldon, “Noah’s Ark in Tomorrow’s Zoo; Animals are a-
comin’, two-by-two,” Smithsonian, 8:42-50, (1978).

6. Cassidy, C.M., “Nutrition and Health in Agriculturalists and Hunter-
Gatherers,” Nutrtional Anthropology, Jerome, Norge W., Randy F. Kandel
and Frettel H. Pelto, editors, Pleasantville, New York, pp. 117-179,
(1980).

7. Cohen, Mark Nathan, The Food Crisis in Pre-History, New Haven, Yale
University Press, p. 15, (1977).

8. Constable, George, The Neanderthals, New York, Time-Life Books,
(1973).

9. Dart, Raymond, Adventures With the Missing Link, New York, Viking
Press, p. 255, (1969).

10. De Bakey, Michael, JAMA, 189:655-659, (1964).

11. Edey, Maitland A and The Editors of Time-Life Books, The Missing
Link, New York, Little, Brown, (1972).

12. Eimerl, Sarel, Devore, Irven, and the Editors of Life, The
Primates, New York, Time, Inc., pp. 152-53, (1965).

13. Enig, M.G., R.J. Munn, and M. Keeney, Fed Proc. 37:2215, (1978).

14. Enstrom, J.E. Br. J Cancer, 32:432, (1975).

15. Glueck, C.J. and W.E. Connor, Am J Clin Nutr, 31:727, (1978).

16. Goodall, Jane, Miss Goodall and the Wild Chimpanzees, A
documentary film of Jane Goodall’s studies of wild chimpanzees in
their natural habitat in a rain forest in Tanzania, Africa, National
Geographic, (1966).

17. Hitchciock, N.E. and M. Gracey, “Diet and Serum Cholesterol,”
Archives of Diseases of Childhood, 52:790, 1977, and Food and
Nutrition Notes And Reviews, Commonwealth Dept. Of health, Australia,
35:April-June, (1978).

18. Holman, Ralph T., :Function and Metabolism of Essential Fatty
Acids,” Nutrition in Transition, proceedings of Western Hemisphere
Nutrition Congress V, p. 77, A.M.A., (1978).

19. Keys, A., “Diet and Development of Coronary Disease,” J Chron Dis.
4:364, (1956).

20. Leakey, M.D., Olduvai Gorge, Vol. 3 Oxford, Cambridge University
Press, (1971).

21. Lee, R.B. and DeVore, I., “Problems in The Study of Hunters and
Gatherers,” in Lee and DeVore, Eds., Man The Hunter, pp. 3-20, Aldine,
(1968).

22. Lyon, J.L., M.R. Klauber, J.W. Gardner, and C.R. Smart. N Eng J
Med. 294:129, (1976).

23. Lyon, Nancy, “Cholesterol . . . Is Just One Heart Threat,” Science
Digest, 81:28-31, 1977.

24. Mann, GV, OA Roels, DL Price, and JM Merrill, “Cardiovascular
Disease in African Pygmies,” J Chron Dis, 15:341, 1962.

25. Mann, GV, EM Scott, LM Hursch, CA Heller, JB Youmans, CF
Consolazio, EB Bridgforth, AL Russell and M Silverman. “The Health and
Nutritional Status of Alaskan Eskimos,” Amer J Clin Nutr., 11:31,
1962.

26. Mann, GV, “Diet and Disease Among the Milk and Meat Eating Masai
Warrior of Tanganykia,” Food and Nutrition, 34:104, 1963.

27. Mann, GV. N Engl J Med. 297:644, 1977.

28. Martin, Paul S., “Pleistocene Overkill,” Natural History,
76:32-38, 1967.

29. Martin, Paul, “Eskimos, Shocking Example to Us All, Primitive
Diets vs Junk Food,” Let’s Live, pp. 25-28, June, 1977.

30. Morris, Desmond, The Naked Ape, New York, MCGraw Hill, p. 9,
1967.

31. Nichols, AB, C Ravenscroft, DE Lamphiear, and LD Ostrander, Am J
Clin Nutr, 29:1384, 1976.

32. Nichols, AB, C Ravenscroft, DE Lamphiear, and LD Ostrander,
“Independence of Serum Lipid Level and Dietary Habits, The Tecumseh
Study,” JAMA, 236:1948-1953, 1976.

33. Passwater, Richard a., Cancer and Its Nutritional Therapies, New
Canaan, Conn, Keats, pp. 2-114, 1978.

34. Pelto, Gretel H. And Pertti Pelto, The Cultural Dimension of the
Human Adventure, New York, Macmillan, pp. 292-301, 1979.

35. Perry, Richard, Life in Forest and Jungle, New York, Taplinger
Publishing Co., pp. 165-85, 1976.

36. Prideaux, Tom. Cro-Magnon Man, New York, Time-Life Books, 1973.

37. Reddy, et al., Cancer Research, 35:3421, 1975.

38. Reiser, Raymond, “The Three Weak Links in the Diet-Heart Disease
Connection,” Nutrition Today, 14:22-28, 1979.

39. Reiser, R. Am J Clin Nutr, 26:524, 1973.

40. Reiser, R. Am J Clin Nutr, 31:865, 1978.

41. Rivers, John, Nature Mag., 270-2, 1977.

42. Schaeffeor, Otto, “When the Eskimo Comes to Town,” Nutr Today,
6:8-16, 1971.

43. Schaller, George B and Gordon Lowther, “The Relevance of Carnivore
Behavior to the Study of Early Hominids,” Southwest J Anthro,
25:307-41, 1969.

44. Search For the Great Apes, a documentary film on the ethological
research on gorillas by Dian Fossey and the ethological research of
orangutans by Birute Galdikas-Brindamour, National Geographic, 1975.

45. Shaper, AG, M Jones and J Kyobe, “Plasma Lipids in an African
Tribe Living on a Diet of Milk and Meat,” Lancet, 2:1324, 1961.

46. Shaper, AB, “Cardiovascular Studies in the Samburu Tribe of
Northern Kenya,” Am Heart J, 63:437, 1962.

47. Stefansson, Vilhjamur, “Food of the Ancient and Modern Stone Age
Man,” J Amer Diet Assoc, 13:2, 1937.

48. Stefansson, Vilhjamur, The Fat of the Land, New York, Macmillan,
1957.

49. Stefansson, Vilhjamur, Cancer: Disease of Civilization? New York,
Hill and Wang, 1960.

50. Treistman, Judith. The Prehistory of China, Garden City, New York,
The Natural History Press, p. 15, 1972.

51. Truswell, SA, Am J Clin Nutr. 31:977, 1978.

52. Van Lawick-Goodall, Jane, In the Shadow of Man, New York, Houghton
Mifflin, p. 297, 1971.

53. Weidman, WH, LR Elveback, RA Nelson, et al., “Nutrient Intake and
Serum Cholesterol Levels in Normal Children 6 to 16 Years of Age,”
Pediatrics, 61:354-359, 1978.

54. White, Edmund, Dale Brown and the Editors of Time-Life Books, The
First Men, Waltham, Mass, Litle, Brown & Co., pp. 68-94, 1973.

55. Yudkin, John, “Sugar Consumption and Myocardial Infarction,”
Lancet, 1:296-297, 1971.

56. Yudkin, John, “Sucrose and Heart Disease,” Lancet 14:16-20, 1969.

57. Yudkin, John, “Sugar Intake and Myocardial Infarction,” Am J Clin
Nutr. 20:503, 1967.

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EAT YOUR FAT

Random Bathing suit season! Thursday, Mar 24 2011 

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GIVING UP ANYTHING FOR LENT??

Life Eats Life Thursday, Feb 24 2011 

When I advocate for a person suffering from an eating disorder to ACCEPT recovery what I mean to imply is this:

To commit. This means
to remove your head as the barrier
to your life

Life feeds on life. I read that somewhere so let us reflect on it. If there is a reason for our existence, which I believe there is and if there is no afterlife, then absolutely nothing matters – nothing! Eat meat, don’t eat meat. I surely don’t care, but WHATEVER you chose to do, just realize that it really does not matter. You can take that as a depressing thought or you can take it as the most empowering concept in life you will ever acquire- do whatever you please. Because as far as my life, your existence is concerned; at the moment we die, there will be nothing but void for each of us. Eternal unconscious nothingness (if I can make that a word).

Everyone’s life happens in the “blink-of-an-eye” . Our existence on earth is so incredibly fast, rapid and irrelevant in the infinite existence of whatever is beyond space, the stars/galaxy/universe. There is zero relevance. I take this as empowering. So if this life is all I get I sure as hell and going to MILK IT FOR ALL IT’S WORTH, and so should you.

Life eats life. Another piece of information I have read before. But guess what, this changes the fact that life feeds on life because there is no way of surviving on earth and in this world without eating other life forms. A very compelling and truthful observation.

If you understand, you HAVE to agree and accept this fact and being conscious of the suffering that we must inflict on others in order to live. Again, take that as a depressing observation or take it and become empowered. Such a statement should lead you to pursue decisions, which will enlighten yourself and others, which in turn will cause less suffering. Doing this causes you less stress and puts you in a great position in life- in both mind and body. It doesn’t matter what the hell your ‘opinion’ is, this is fact. You don’t need to make decisions to feel better, you make decisions(or you should) because you understand life eats life, and life feeds life. Truth.

You can aim to discover, find and understand everything. You can read every medical book, spend pointless hours learning every diet and exercise program out there, count every miniscule POINTLESS calorie or gram of sugar (or OMG FRUCTOSE…joke). You’ll be on the edge of your seat encompassed by nothingness while swearing you’re one-step away from finding ‘the truth.’

Everyone lives this pursuit in the life trying to find the truth, reading others experiences, ideas, opinions and juicing them for what they’re worth. This is what I conjectured after reading one of Berkhan’s post which reflects on getting a life. I realized I was stuck in this desire to find the perfect answer to recovery, to eating, to functioning my body and mind.  I really thought I would get it eventually, I would know exactly how to cure eating disorders and be able to advocate a 10-step plan for recovery. It was seriously all right in front of my face. Some of the most obvious realizations in life are always staring at you, right under your nose.

I figured when I started this blog, that I had the will power, ability, and control to discover and answer some of the most profound questions on eating disorders and save the world. It became apparent, that as soon as I felt like I had a grasp on it all; it was right there within my reach…it slipped away and was gone. I realized it is not a question I can answer or a destination I can prescribe.

I got slightly pissed off, yes. I reflected on it. I vented and raged about it. I analyzed it. I was furious. I was bombarded with even more questions every time I tried to figure it out. When you do this, this questioning of yourself and life or decisions, it becomes an endless cycle of nothing. Your left with even more questions, more stress and incredible anxiety.  I read; I thought. I found some people who vaguely understand what I am getting at. I found some understanding that many people feel like this. But still, I swore someone else somewhere had my answer and truth. Something I found via all this reading would ensure I would find the ‘cure.’ But that is not possible. Crazy, because the rant which pursued in my mind could have sworn I was going to read the truth and it would ‘click.’

When you read a vegan site, it is enthusiastic and empowering. When you read a carnivorous site you swear you’ll be ‘smarter’ by solely living on meat. When you skim through raw foodism, you swear throwing green stuff and nuts in a blender will make life perfect. Most advocates like this DO admittingly have a miniscule idea of how to find their own inner peace. But THEIR truth is not my truth, nor is it your truth. Basically, this is the reason I hate recovery blogs and food blogs by the way. These people who have figured things out for themselves will always appear keen on convincing you of their ways and that their answer just has to be your answer too.

The dietary arguments are an obnoxious and ridiculous as the religious arguments. It’s like the Afghanistan war on terrorism vs. the retarded-too-much-time-on-our-hands-society of dietary critics we live around. Ask a few people about how to seek the truth in life and listen. Some will undoubtedly follow God (and try and convert you) and some will tell you, you need to devote X hours a week to poor people or assisting others. Everyone has their own idea, their own settled inner peace because they understand what will work for them. You find people in life with a ‘I just don’t give a fuck attitude.’ These people are the ones who bake a cake and eat it too. They go to the bar and will do that double round of tequila, because who the fuck cares if their clothes end up on the floor 2 hours from now. Life is about RIGHT now for them, let’s do it, taste it, travel it and have fun. Others are more calm and collected, and even overly collected in my opinion. These people are ungodly religious (no pun haaa) Their life is hell-bent on living for someone else, namely their God, sitting in the pew at church confessing every Goddamn sin in hopes of someone or something else accepting them. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in God, but I believe in  God as a moral landmark in the confidence that there is something beyond life that is unanswerable and worth living for. There is something about religion that makes people feel the need to convince everyone whom crosses their path to be converted or saved, as if this pursuance will leave peace with them. Really, I find this to be a personal problem and lack in an individual to understand the eternal struggle.

When you are stuck in ED denial truth exists only as beliefs. This is true of everything in life; it is true as long as you accept it is true. When you believe it, then it is true for you. But that does not mean you do your homework and understand your down falls and change your mind. THAT is allowed. You can change your thinking whenever you want. You can change your opinion; no one is holding you back. You can spend the rest of your life reading about other people’s recoveries searching for the truth because somewhere down in you is this aching desire to understand. You swear till the day you die there is answer…but stop, and think. What the hell are you looking for? What answer are you going to continue to struggle to find? There isn’t one. The only answer possible of finding has nothing to do with health, nutrition or weight, let alone food. It only has to do with YOU. This is so frustrating to people because they are so desperately seeking the answers to their problems. But, the problem IS you. There isn’t anything you need to hear or find out or even understand. Just know that the truth can only be understood and accomplished when you learn what works for you in life. The only belief you need to stand by is the BELIEF IN YOURSELF.

I hope this post has provided you somewhat with questions for yourself. I can’t riddle you the answer to recovery because I don’t have it, nor am I actively seeking it anymore because there is not an answer. There is no magical Buddha quote that will make me realize what exactly recovery is. Such actions only create riddles. If Buddha helps you understand you need to find the truth WITHIN yourself, then read away. A lot of his stuff makes sense or at least gets you thinking down the right track. I can at most provide the blog world with encouragement, determination and proof of change and skills. You are given the opportunity to make a purpose and meaning in your life. I do hope once it clicks for you, you will know where to look, you will know what you need to do and how to do it. When it clicks, life is totally up to you. There is no answer seeking because everything…eeeeeverything about life and you is constantly changing and evolving. There are no rules to recovery and no advice I have no already provided that will help you.

Did you ever think it is not just eating disordered sufferers who have inner voices? EVERYONE has an inner voice unless there is a stick so far up your ass that you assume it means you’re crazy. But every average Joe has an inner self and voice. Whether you believe it or acknowledge it remains up to you. The truth is full of emotions, intuition, and desire for knowledge and answers. When you feel extremely shitty in recovery, bloated, fat, full whatever, that’s your inner voice. To be yourself you need to find a way to deviate from this over walked path.

You need to be untraditional. Look at the big time successful people in life, they in no way took a traditional route to get there. When you understand you are blindly following a path of recovery laid out by someone else, or you are trying to mock the recovery or another…you’ve failed. You need to listen to your inner voice because it will always speak the truth and when you learn to listen, the answers will be provided. It won’t be what you want, it won’t be perfect, it won’t be set in stone, but you will find YOUR TRUTH.

Next Post…getting into meditation and answering the ever common ‘Who are you?’

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