And Then There was Mal… Wednesday, Feb 1 2012 

If anyone still reads my blog, just letting you know I am alive!! What have I been up to?

Well, I have no conquered the world…yet, but I did get a raise. Even better, I get to file my taxes soon and low and behold, I will get close-to-nothing back and probably owe the state, again, while everyone else around me continues buying Doritos, frozen egg rolls and cases of Coke with their food stamps. Oh, and they get free cell phones now too, 200 free minutes. If I could only not feel like I was going to hell for working the system I would do it…but low and behold, I have a conscience.

I am actually at this obnoxious-mind-consuming crossroad in my life. I am recovered from an eating disorder but still living in my head(more often than not), I have a full time job but not moving up anytime soon(no college degree), I have a new car but can barely rub a penny between my ass to make monthly payments on top of student loans, carrying full insurance, rent, bills, cell phone…oh right, and our shitty president is giving everyone free handouts but gas is $3.45/gallon. So I am living but not getting anywhere, eating but not understanding my body and what it actually would flourish on.

Ever read a bunch of foodie blogs of gorgeous chicks and their amazing creations and then think you’re doing everything wrong? I get especially frustrated(with myself) when I read of cardio bunny Gertrude(made up name hah picked one I doubt anyone has…damnit, now I know I just offended someone) eating green smoothies laced with crack-chia-vegemite-proteinpowder-chickpea-walnutbutter…and I ponder if this is real life, and people really put stuff like this together? Her PUFA content should have her dying approximately tomorrow with diabetes and NAFLD. And where’s her beef liver and eggs OMG she’s healthy happy and NOT paleo!??!

And she isn’t lifting 300 lbs 3 times a week heavy ass squatting ass to the ground and throwing herself at the ground only to jump back up and repeat it 100 times!??! Hell, even Beyonce can drink lemon spiked cayenne detox flush drinks and have a baby. I think my pissed off tone behind this is the fact that as I understand it, and as I comprehend it, none of this should be possible because spending 2934534 hours of my life reading about health and nutrition and reading study after study tells me, right there in arial font 12 point BOLD that all this is unhealthy, all of it will cause a fatty liver, diabetes, cancer wtf ever else you want to add to the list.

BUT, and there’s a but… damn if she doesn’t look healthy and damn if she doesn’t seem happy. Is there like this shadow of shit-on-me for someone who recovers from an eating disorder that says you will have lowgrade constant depression for eternity?? To me, it feels like there is. And for all I know it may be self loathing, why don’t I just snap out of it, why don’t I get out of my head, why don’t I ‘just get over it’. Trust me, if I could just do it(no pun) I would. “Oh Mallory, you look so much better, you must be eating well these days”… do not, like ever say this to anyone whether they once looked like an emancipated crack whore or they lived off a feeding tube for 6 months. It’s just stupid.

I am not loving my body, but I cant keep hating it because it seems to function worse when I do. I got some bloodwork showing I have damn near zero inflammation in my body and an almost undetectable c-reactive protein meaning there’s no bad stuff going on. Weeee so she’s healthy(with elevated iron, obviously, no rocket scientist is needed to figure out my meat gorging with no monthly bleeding is gonna lead to elevated iron…) but I surely still am not a socially-acceptable function as I should 26 year old woman. TWENTY-SIX-YEARS-OLD….and I am scared of becoming 30, 40 and still just ‘being her’ just living repeating the same shit day after day after day.

For what it’s worth, the life long consequences of this recovery stuff from something as severe as anorexia nervosa….they blow ass. On top of blowing ass myself usually post meal, my body will forever be in ‘famine mode’….7 years starving yourself and you didn’t die so now you have the rest of your existence to pack on weight with everything you eat, live with muckin-fucked up hormones and blood sugar problems, royally shitty sleeping patterns, and the all around inability to sit with yourself, let alone sit still.

So that I stop wallowing in my own self doubt and self pity I made a list of to do’s for 2012, I know one month late. It took a while for me to get out of my own head to decide what I want to change and a direction to ‘attempt’ to go in. why the hell is change so damned hard? Hardest will be getting away from the web. I swear I develop addictions easier than anyone in the world. I can literally have 50 browser web pages open because I get this rush of reading and information and overload. What the hell is that? I haven’t the slightest clue, but I love it.

Personal

*spend an entire day lying around

*spend an entire day in the kitchen baking(food I will eat)

*travel, randomly, unplanned…especially to New Orleans

*spend 24 hours outside…sun up to sun down

*find a new adrenaline rush(that isn’t mind numbing obsession)

*get more sleep

*master 3×15 chin ups (done, once)

*muscle-up

*take a mineral oil bath once a week with lotsa bubbles, then do girlie things like my nails and a facial

*find a place that is genuinely quiet, and listen

*meditate to the sun rising

*meditate to the sun setting

*run a 10k for a good cause

*go to church more

*get a gun, and be able to kill a m*therf*cker confidently

*volunteer at church

*pay more attention to what is going on in the world

*more spontaneity

*stay off the internet

*express myself instead of hide with a good act

Culinary

*learn to can food- pressure cooker

* master my cast iron dutch oven my momma got me

*master my bone broth

*master a rue(yes, that means flour)

*put together a recipe collage, at least get one started

*make a meal 100% from scratch- seed to ground to harvest to plate with only what I produce

*plant kabocha squash(b/c I am in love…) and pray it grows well here…DONE, just ordered seeds

*start a herb garden(basil….nom)

*find some local farmers for eggs and meat

*stick to eating local(or maybe not)

*go vegetarian for a week, just because I can

*get me some oysters more often, and master shuckin

*actually CATCH a crab on the coast

*use my fishing license

*make a meal based around a Hawaiian Potato(aka Okinawan)

*master roast beef(the seasoning rub)

Oh, and get to drinkin some mixed bevvvverages more often…

And here is how I see my future. No one down here really knows me, I don’t go out, I don’t have many friends outside the work place, yet for some reason I find it hard to hang out with my family as it seems to promote oddly acute amounts of anxiety. Based on that, it surely doesn’t matter whether I am 100lbs or whether I am 170lbs, no one knows me. There isn’t anything ‘to be expected’ so if for the life of me I can figure out how to ‘just be’ I just might have a chance at developing a personality outside health/nutrition before I die….maybe, just a slight possibility. Basically, I am sick of myself. I want a friend whom I can randomly show up at their house unannounced just because, I wanna bake some cookies, listen to music and pour some strawberry daiquiris. I want to spend days in the sun at the pool with my family, grilling out and enjoying the company and food and not spending the time preoccupied in my mind catching up on sleep I didn’t get the night before. And I feel like really, this is all my fault. I don’t do these things. Hell, I tried to quit smoking and it lasted 60 hours, then I text my mom telling her I was going to slit my wrist or commit suicide because the desire to injure myself was obnoxious. All this over nicotine? I literally CRIED for almost 24 hours over a cigarette….it had been YEARS since I cried myself to sleep!

Change is hard for anyone. Change for someone with my mind is epically impossible, or so it seems, but it IS DOWNRIGHT a matter of me changing my routines and habits. I mean if I think about it, I am going to die, we all are, regardless of how we live and what we do. As soon as you’re born, you can guarantee you’re going to die, at some point. I am not the typical EAT EGG WHITE SCRAMBLED WITH SPINACH AND TOFU NUGGETS OR DIE…but I need to get away from EAT GRASSFED BEEF AND YOUR VEGETABLES MUST HAVE BUTTER AND GOD FORBID YOU DON’T EAT 2G/PROTEIN PER POUND OF LBM(or some other obnoxious amount) A DAY AND LIFT HEAVY SHIT 3 X A WEEK AND DO NOT TOUCH CORN/BEANS AND IF YOU EAT FRUIT IT IS IMMEDIATELY BEING TURNED INTO FAT BECAUSE ALL THINGS FRUCTOSE WILL KILL YOU AND ALL THINGS OMEGA 6 KEEL YOU OVER 6 FEET UNDER.

There needs to be balance… I need to find it. No one can find it but me. I idolize 2 bloggers. One is Heather @ Heather Eats Almond Butter. She probably hasn’t the slightest clue who I am, because I do not comment on her blog, but her way of living and the reflection of happiness form her blog, and soon to be 3 kids(congrats if you see this!)…it is the epitome of awesome to me. I envy her. The other is Eden @ Eden Eats Everything. She’s fucking hilarious…I lol everytime I read her blog. Our minds think alike…well maybe not. I am convinced I am the female version of Dexter…a MUST watch show for anyone with a mucked up mind. If I ever remembered to type out the funny shit that boggles my mind I could make people piss their pants. I run into some downright bizarre shit here in the south.

I need to stop obsessing about health and nutrition and seeing so onewaystreet in my thoughts about food and do some more life enjoyment…

Mardis Gras season approaching and starting should be a good place. I want to decorate my 1900 antique-20ft ceiling-rip-off-rental house for mardis gras season…and I have hardcore Baptist/Christian roommates. Baha, should be interesting. One lady at work informs me of my bloodsucking worshipping every mardis gras season…

What to give up for the 40 days and 40 nights…maybe ‘giving a fuck’ is a good place for me to start !

Where I stand… Sunday, Jun 5 2011 

Does it ever cross your mind why you developed an eating disorder? Like, of everyone in the whole entire flippin world, VERY FEW PEOPLE truly suffer from real anorexia nervosa. Sure, plenty of people use retarded weightloss methods like veganism, kimkins, cabbage soup, HCG to starve themselves but they don’t develop a debilitating eating disorder. They don’t get that pointless, dwelling, insecure, empty and secluded obsession with starvation. They don’t get ‘high’ off seclusion and loneliness, all the while feeding on it, but at the same time maintaining hope and desperately wanting real life back. When you suffer, and even throughout recovery, life is not real. If you’re in recovery right now and you think life is real, you’re not actively recovering and providing results, sorry nope. Nothing about it is pure, with raw emotion. Sure, there’s a ton of raw hate, fear and misconceptions along with a kids first Christmas list length of rules and regulations you set for yourself, but NONE of that is real. When you are diagnosed, and told you should be dead or momentarily you WILL be dead because your heart, BMI, blood pressure and insulin are tanked beyond belief…shit gets real. It’s like a quick glimpse. Shit, you fucked up. But where in the hell was reality the long extended period of time it took you to get where you are?

What the fuck happened to reality while you were jogging 10 miles, bloating yourself full with celery, calling half a slice of deli meat a protein sufficient meal, throwing away meals because no one was around, chugging 4 bottles of zero calorie Gatorade, and coming up with these bizarre ass lies about yourself, your life and not to mention your food. Did you ever just straight up lie? I did, I use to do it all the freakin time. I would create lies so big that by the end of it someone should have slapped me for trying to pull off something so stupid. I would tell my parents I ate at the cafeteria on campus, that I was ‘going to the mall’ when I really went and walked the 7 mile perimeter surrounding the mall with no desire to ever step foot in the establishment. I told them I had a sweet potato and burger at work(Logan’s, worked their while incredibly anorexic) so didn’t need food, however when I got home I had to complete my daily ritual and make a slightly burnt bag of fat free 100 calories popcorn. God forbid someone ask why I needed popcorn if I had just had dinner, bag would be in the trash and I would be lividly pissed, to the point I had to leave the house. But don’t worry mom, I had already eaten dinner. Would you daydream and ponder that something was off with you in the midst of doing the very disordered actions that were causing it? Lifting at the gym while pondering about how to restrict. Dozing off in class dreaming of food. Starring mindlessly at the food network channel while feeling this pride in the ability to starve. ‘Challenging’ yourself and your control by baking obnoxious amounts of cookies and calorie laden junk for other people and getting off to seeing them consume it. Lying in bed all night preplanning the next day’s routine (weigh, shower, workout, class, walk, workout, walk around random stores to stay away from home). Weighing, and thinking continuously dropping weight just might not be as good an idea as it feels but damn you’re strong and controlled. WHERE WAS REALITY WHEN I NEEDED IT???

My hair fell out and stuck to the side of the shower, my upper arms and stomach were full of blonde fuzzy hair like a polar bear, my eyes were so sunk in and empty looking I was a walking dead person. I couldn’t have a conversation because I didn’t know how to think in the moment. Everything that was said to me just passed by like a breeze. I couldn’t reply because I had no idea what you said. But geez, ask me what I did that day or what I ate, I would ramble on for 20 minutes justifying every single step I took that day. I didn’t just justify life to others, I spent my days and nights justifying everything I did to my other self, everything I was going to do, and everything I thought about.

But in comes recovery. Really, nothing good comes out of the first 6-8 months of recovery. The entire time frame blows ass. When done correctly, you hate your parents, you hate your doctors, you hate society, you hate those who question when your baby is due(all the weight is in your belly/face/arms), you have a love/hate relationship with God or you even lose all faith, you scream into pillows because you can’t go fucking walk 15 miles, you can’t plan a day of celery or carrots, you can’t see what you weigh, you can’t have your fat-free liquids, you can’t spend the day by yourself away from your family and society, you can’t just have ‘2 weeks to ‘get it right.’ Ever try that one? Someone steps into your ED territory trying to burst your bubble. You swear up and down with your life that given just 2 weeks you’ll get it right, you’ll change and no one will have to worry about you. THIS, THIS IS THE BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT that an anorexic can try and pull because guess what…2 weeks wont prove you anything and you won’t prove anything to anybody. It doesn’t work like that. Putting yourself on recovery death row for 2 weeks to ‘get better’ is like telling someone without a leg it’ll grow back in time. You’ll get it back don’t worry, walking in no time…

Most anorexics develop the disease without really knowing what it is. I had no idea what anorexia nervosa even was until I started googling when ‘dieting’ in college. I knew what bulimia was, because sorority girls did it in college, we learned about it in health class. But anorexia was a classification totally new to me. I never knew an anorexic. The simple fact is that with such a misunderstood disease, no one in the entire world will ever be able to experience what you do, what you went through, how starving in times of coping and stress is the best brain dopamine agonist in the world, like a line of coke to an addict. No one will ever be able to make decisions for you, tell you what will work, what is right, how to cure yourself. That’s not possible. If someone lays out a recovery plan for you saying do X Y Z and eat A B C… they are wrong. They are absolutely hands down 100% wrong and you should run away from them. No one knows how to recover from this mental illness besides you.

Thing is, YOU cannot recover yourself, but all the while YOU are the only one who can repair what’s wrong. That probably makes no sense. But it’s the acceptance. To accept recovery is a calming aspect only because the worry, fear, and justification is ended- and this only happens is you allow it. You accept recovery and the weight you carried on your shoulders and the justify-every-move-in-lies life has to end. You accept that yup, life’s gonna suck for a while but 6-8 months(hell even a year) is NOTHING compared to the time it took you to get this way and the time you have left to live a healthy minded existence.

Recovery isn’t what can I eat

Recovery isn’t now I can eat _____

Recovery isn’t what I cannot eat

Recovery isn’t a meal plan

 

Recovery is establishing a reality. Throughout recovery you work towards ONE THING, reality. When you start living everyday as it comes, in society without limitations and rituals, no justifications and food times. No restricting all day or preplanning. That is reality. The reality in the beginning is that that others need to be the ones running the accountability in your life. If you don’t surrender to anorexia, you will never recover. You can’t be tough your whole life, you’ll die. Understand your will power isn’t going to change, just allow it to go elsewhere. Understand your stubbornness isn’t going to change, but you cannot justify it with food and rituals any longer. Life is now recovery, not a bubble. When you wake up, someone has made you breakfast. Doesn’t matter WTF it is, sit the fuck down and eat. If afterwards your ‘recoveree’ (person in charge of your every move, action, intake) goes to the store your ass is going, not staying at home to tally, ritualize or workout. If he/she asks you to pick out dinner, you’re picking it out and EVERYONE will be eating it.

 

There’s reality throughout recovery and there is no doctor in the world who can tell you how it is. It is about weight. Your weight is dependent how how f*cked your body  is. Restricting, binging, purging, food choices, restrictions, exercise…all of this plays into how your weight drops, increases and flaunts on different parts of your body throughout recovery. You gain, you lose, you bloat, you piss your ass off… all parts of recovery. You shit and pray no one wants to enter the bathroom for a few hours, and you become constipated and AGONIZE over why you’re not ‘going’ and considering every route to getting shit out of you. All normal. You didn’t treat your body correctly so please, don’t expect it to act correctly. You’re going to over think everything, that’s your personality.

 

Also note:

 

You will fuck up in recovery

You will make good choices in recovery

You will reconsidering many choices afterward and consider how good they really were

You will convince yourself you’re going crazy

You mood will wildly fluctuate

Everything will be based around fear

You will snap at people, and yourself

YOU.WILL.BINGE.IN.RECOVERY.

 

 

AND LET ME TELL YOU from experience, one of the worst feelings in life will be post first binging episode. Holy wow. I have never felt so bad, wanted to run and workout the rest of my life, cried more and been angry at the same time ever. Expect it, shit happens. It’ll happen more than once. You’ll be full and then swear you want to nibble on food. You’ll go crazy if and when you attempt to calculate those calories you just ate. You’ll try to back out of some plans, but the good ol recoveree will drag you along.

At the same time, you’ll mentally restrict your entire recovery. Regardless of whether or not you gain weight, if you’re in recovery then damnit you’re gonna gain weight. But damnit at the same time you want 100% say in that weight gain, total control of it- aint happening. You will restrict somewhere, somehow. You’ll try to count up calories and your brain is GO_GO_GO until that magical weight where people will get off your back. But it doesn’t stop; you didn’t shut down your brain your entire weight gaining phase and when everyone is happy for you at the magic weight they determined, your brain is STILL moving a million miles an hour and still feeding off of your restrictive obsessions and the damned fear. The fear, it’s so real and there’s so much. The first thing you’ll attempt to do is to control your anxieties and that means immediate social withdrawal. You’ll be swarmed with so many irrational fears and behaviors. It’s always the next fear, the next step, the next choice, the next critique.

The IS recovery. These are all accomplishments and they need to be seen as just that. But at the same time, this IS LIFE. You need to accept that. When you get a dose of the real world, you understand how out of reality you are. It’s not food or weight. It’s about people, a job, a family, it’s about DOING FOR OTHERS. It’s about learning to budget your money to pay off loans, it’s about your car dying and not getting a used car loan to replace it, it’s about being laid off from your job, it’s about always having bills to pay, it’s about getting a flat, it’s about tripping over your own feet, it’s about hitting the 5pm rush hour. But its also about getting up and looking presentable and confident with yourself, making breakfast because it’ll make you happier and relatively more sane when the a$$wipe runs a stop sign in front of you. It’s about packing a lunch or going to lunch with coworkers because spending an hour away from the desk and in the park makes you feel good. Sharing food in the company of others makes you socially happy and confident. It’s about calling a husband or friend after work to hang out, cook dinner, sit around and complain or watch TV. It’s about picking up right when you get off work because someone asked you to go shoot pool. It’s about spending an entire weekend somewhere besides a comfort zone, taking plans as they come.

 

How do you do it? How do you get back the sane drive and success in emotions and relationships you once had? How do you end the self destruction and sole ‘purpose’ in life being everything you plan out?

 

You need to tackle fear. You need to tackle anxiety. You need to allow the overwhelming flood of fear to be resolved in a healthy manner. That takes other people. You need to direct your thoughts and actions toward other people, not yourself. You surely don’t think as irrationally about others and their lives as you do your own. It needs weight gain. You can’t tackle fear without weight gain. I think to date I have gained 40-45lbs. I still need to gain. Did you read that correctly….I AM STILL WORKING ON RECOVERY AND GAINING WEIGHT. I still fuck up. I still get caught up. I still do not have a menstrual cycle, 6 years and counting. I still stress. The difference is I don’t attack food, I don’t starve myself, and I don’t perform rituals and analyze food. I don’t preplan meals and I don’t obsess over food. As I have said from the get go, eat real food. There is some sort of medicinal purpose and healing in real food. Does that mean I have no problem overeating everyday to get the results I desire and need? Hell no but nothing is going to come of my complaining about it any longer. Accepting myself at a stable weight, normal BMI, and all health factors(save the period) in superb check pluses does not help me want to gain more weight. But this isn’t about what I want. This is about what I need. I am strong and confident enough not to need anyone on my back following my every move any longer.

 

Right now, this is where shit gets real. This is where you show how strong you are. Recovery is nothing, absolutely NOTHING until you are left with yourself, and your ability to maintain what you have accomplished and flourish with it. You no longer have anything to prove to anyone BUT yourself. You have to find self pride and self confidence because without it, you’ll resort back to rituals and bad food habits. If you don’t have the clarity to accept this and CONTINUE to provide yourself results, then you will resort to destructive habits. Remember what your goal is. Remember you have support. Remember you have belonging even when you lose sight of it.

 

It’s no longer that now I have to gain weight or now I have to provide results. I am no longer in recovery for other people. I no longer need to prove anything to anyone besides myself. No more my parents want this and that, the doctor expects these results…all that is gone. I am with myself, and I am in charge to acting like the 25 year old adult I am and dealing with life as it comes and on top of that working towards fertility. I do not want to disappoint myself or those who love me.

 

It seems a lot of people get into this stuffing their faces full of calories at night ritual in recovery or after weight gain. I don’t understand it. It makes no sense when you think about it IN reality. But I do suffer the same weird ass ritual sometimes. It’s like a hole you dig yourself into and it just keeps getting deeper and then you’re stuck. I can tell you the only way to get out of the habit is to break it, face the fear, and continue to face it. Accept it makes you miserable in terms of emotions, digestively and absolutely affects your ability to sleep and wake up refreshed. Accept that. Write it down. Remember those feelings. Wake up and remember it. Because you sure as hell do not want it to happen another night, not one. As stuck as you think you are, you’re  not. You can change it, you just need to tackle your fear. Which decision is going to end better? Which decision is better right now? Really, reality…think about it.

 

So have at it. I have no one expecting anything out of me…I KNOW what I want. I want a husband and children. That means looking and acting the part. No one will ever date a woman who doesn’t look capable of having children, nor will anyone be able to attach themselves to you until you learn to attach to yourself, show confidence with that self and provide that spark of mystery you once had- what kept people coming back for more.

 

Motivation Thursday, May 26 2011 

Going through life you set goals, you work hard and then you hope to reap what you sow, RIGHT? We are bred from childhood to distinguish between failure and success, between achieving and failing and some of us(actually very few in my opinion) ever learn what real hard work is. Be is physical or mental, VERY few people actually do work really hard for something they want.

What if recovery is going a bit slower than what you had hoped for? You tend to it, you think about it, and you overly nurture it holding on to ‘that’- whatever that is which makes you so damned different and disordered. Everyone has something to them, but those in recovery have ‘that’ and people can smell it from 100 miles away. Its mental, it is in your walk, it is in your talk, it is in your ability to say yes or no, to stick your nose up or go along with the ride. It is in your every move and detail of you life. You got it, and other people really truly think its fucked up…your different. Recovery involves mending this garden and getting rid of the weeds holding you back. How do you just stop, just change? How do you just go with it, the flow of life? Why the fuck cant you just be normal? These are thoughts and questions I have asked myself in the past, and aspects I still occasionally dwell on.

But the main goal and ability picked up by many in recovery is that patience is a virtue, you can’t force anything to happen and if you’re trying to, then stop it…let it go. There are sparks and highlights in recovery here and there; times when you’re damned proud of yourself, times when you should be a Mexican jumping bean of enthusiasm but you’re not, and times where you want and need the company of others but times where you need to be with yourself and learn to trust and accept that person.

People know your potential, don’t give anything less and don’t expect others to ‘settle’ with a lesser than adequate person. Give people your all, but give recovery your every ounce of energy because in the end, your own ability to maintain happiness is all that counts. When you find that passion you and everyone is born with, you can run with it, and be able to do whatever you want.

Take each day one at a time without goals and without standards, without plans, and without the ED mind in your presence. Eventually you look at a day with things to do, people to socialize with, feelings and aspects of real life, your ED is left behind because there is more to you now. Lose the selfishness and you lose the disease, one day after the other and just as beautiful as the last.

Can’t put your finger on it? Cant figure out HOW to get rid of the ED ora you travel everywhere with. Well, first thing is first, if you look like your starving, your brain is whacked out and you suffer some horrendous malnutrition. Either take it upon yourself to eat the fucking food, don’t worry about its tastes or textures and I would actually recommend you stick to bland foods. You need to lose the obsession you have with food, and plain fatty meat and potatoes is an easy route. Make a shit load, and eat it. It will already be cooked and ready. This takes the thinking about food away. It doesn’t matter WTF you think or count up, you’re gonna eat the same damned bland yet nutritious food(potato, sweet potato, ground beef, liver, chuck, pork butt, whole fishes, eggs etc) until your mind has had enough. You WILL lose the overly active reward mechanism in your brain- or at least repair it. So don’t go overly seasoning ANYTHING, if anything, just some sea salt on your food(NOT THE WHOLE THING coated and then dipped in salt). Get rid of the sauces, condiments and things you bank on your flavor because it isn’t helping slow down your mind. KISS

Patience is what seems to be bountifully on your side in recovery. It takes forever, yes. But guess what, actively(this means making progress by the way, actual results…GET SOME) acting upon yourself and your recovery is everything youll ever need. Learn to appreciate and be proud of the fruits of your labor(mostly mental). Sit with yourself ans you learn to accept that pride and achievement. You need to take pride in everything that has come to be. But for most and myself included, it seems like you just can’t quite get the routine right. This point is crucial. No matter what, don’t give up on it. EVERY ONE has their time, their pace and their patience! THE POINT, is staying active. Don’t expect results if youre not changing. Don’t expect to be less than obsessed with food if your choking down artificial sweeteners and bottle dips on everything, or better yet is your using a whole seasoning cabinet on everything you do eat. Those do not give results. Those feed addiction, and this feeds an eating disorder. Don’t try and think up the best combo of food just because you know you have to eat. No, lose the obsession, lose the flavor enhancement, lose the ‘it’ you carry around with you. If you are constantly improving and fine tuning your work, keep going! Recovery lies in seeing changes, not thinking about them, having results, not planning for them.

Step back and see what you can improve on….but then do actually DO IT. Like they say doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity. Don’t throw in the towel, but make changes. You have to. Your doomed if you don’t.
what do you do to keep going forward, to not give up? Ultimately you can’t expect someone to just go recover and change their every move and expect to gain something in life. That would be expecting them to change who they are. There is nothing you can do about right now, like it or hate it. You cant make anyone understand or make someone else change who they are. The world will not change to cater to you. Nothing you can do about that either. Don’t lose that spark for a passion, get worn out and discouraged by too much rejection, or just not getting far enough no matter how much the re-haul or effort put in. keep at it. Make active changes. Make changes that are seeable. Make changes you can appreciate and changes others can see, talk about, enjoy.accomplishing a goal is one thing, like tackling a fear food, but grabbing the world and attacking a fear food IS recovery. Everyone can enjoy it, share it, and be part of it. THIS forces the mental obsession away. THIS is what, over time and repeated, will bring results.

You get back whatever you put out, so don’t think about what you don’t have or what you didn’t get. Perhaps learning to let go of that want will be the best thing to do. To be satisfied with what you have, and anything else is just ____. Do not let something out of nowhere erase your self confidence and drive for recovery. Don’t let someone dampen your spirits or harp on something you do(given it is a good thing)

“Never think that God’s delays are God’s denials. Hold; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.”
– Georges-Louis Leclerc

Random Bathing suit season! Thursday, Mar 24 2011 

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Life Eats Life Thursday, Feb 24 2011 

When I advocate for a person suffering from an eating disorder to ACCEPT recovery what I mean to imply is this:

To commit. This means
to remove your head as the barrier
to your life

Life feeds on life. I read that somewhere so let us reflect on it. If there is a reason for our existence, which I believe there is and if there is no afterlife, then absolutely nothing matters – nothing! Eat meat, don’t eat meat. I surely don’t care, but WHATEVER you chose to do, just realize that it really does not matter. You can take that as a depressing thought or you can take it as the most empowering concept in life you will ever acquire- do whatever you please. Because as far as my life, your existence is concerned; at the moment we die, there will be nothing but void for each of us. Eternal unconscious nothingness (if I can make that a word).

Everyone’s life happens in the “blink-of-an-eye” . Our existence on earth is so incredibly fast, rapid and irrelevant in the infinite existence of whatever is beyond space, the stars/galaxy/universe. There is zero relevance. I take this as empowering. So if this life is all I get I sure as hell and going to MILK IT FOR ALL IT’S WORTH, and so should you.

Life eats life. Another piece of information I have read before. But guess what, this changes the fact that life feeds on life because there is no way of surviving on earth and in this world without eating other life forms. A very compelling and truthful observation.

If you understand, you HAVE to agree and accept this fact and being conscious of the suffering that we must inflict on others in order to live. Again, take that as a depressing observation or take it and become empowered. Such a statement should lead you to pursue decisions, which will enlighten yourself and others, which in turn will cause less suffering. Doing this causes you less stress and puts you in a great position in life- in both mind and body. It doesn’t matter what the hell your ‘opinion’ is, this is fact. You don’t need to make decisions to feel better, you make decisions(or you should) because you understand life eats life, and life feeds life. Truth.

You can aim to discover, find and understand everything. You can read every medical book, spend pointless hours learning every diet and exercise program out there, count every miniscule POINTLESS calorie or gram of sugar (or OMG FRUCTOSE…joke). You’ll be on the edge of your seat encompassed by nothingness while swearing you’re one-step away from finding ‘the truth.’

Everyone lives this pursuit in the life trying to find the truth, reading others experiences, ideas, opinions and juicing them for what they’re worth. This is what I conjectured after reading one of Berkhan’s post which reflects on getting a life. I realized I was stuck in this desire to find the perfect answer to recovery, to eating, to functioning my body and mind.  I really thought I would get it eventually, I would know exactly how to cure eating disorders and be able to advocate a 10-step plan for recovery. It was seriously all right in front of my face. Some of the most obvious realizations in life are always staring at you, right under your nose.

I figured when I started this blog, that I had the will power, ability, and control to discover and answer some of the most profound questions on eating disorders and save the world. It became apparent, that as soon as I felt like I had a grasp on it all; it was right there within my reach…it slipped away and was gone. I realized it is not a question I can answer or a destination I can prescribe.

I got slightly pissed off, yes. I reflected on it. I vented and raged about it. I analyzed it. I was furious. I was bombarded with even more questions every time I tried to figure it out. When you do this, this questioning of yourself and life or decisions, it becomes an endless cycle of nothing. Your left with even more questions, more stress and incredible anxiety.  I read; I thought. I found some people who vaguely understand what I am getting at. I found some understanding that many people feel like this. But still, I swore someone else somewhere had my answer and truth. Something I found via all this reading would ensure I would find the ‘cure.’ But that is not possible. Crazy, because the rant which pursued in my mind could have sworn I was going to read the truth and it would ‘click.’

When you read a vegan site, it is enthusiastic and empowering. When you read a carnivorous site you swear you’ll be ‘smarter’ by solely living on meat. When you skim through raw foodism, you swear throwing green stuff and nuts in a blender will make life perfect. Most advocates like this DO admittingly have a miniscule idea of how to find their own inner peace. But THEIR truth is not my truth, nor is it your truth. Basically, this is the reason I hate recovery blogs and food blogs by the way. These people who have figured things out for themselves will always appear keen on convincing you of their ways and that their answer just has to be your answer too.

The dietary arguments are an obnoxious and ridiculous as the religious arguments. It’s like the Afghanistan war on terrorism vs. the retarded-too-much-time-on-our-hands-society of dietary critics we live around. Ask a few people about how to seek the truth in life and listen. Some will undoubtedly follow God (and try and convert you) and some will tell you, you need to devote X hours a week to poor people or assisting others. Everyone has their own idea, their own settled inner peace because they understand what will work for them. You find people in life with a ‘I just don’t give a fuck attitude.’ These people are the ones who bake a cake and eat it too. They go to the bar and will do that double round of tequila, because who the fuck cares if their clothes end up on the floor 2 hours from now. Life is about RIGHT now for them, let’s do it, taste it, travel it and have fun. Others are more calm and collected, and even overly collected in my opinion. These people are ungodly religious (no pun haaa) Their life is hell-bent on living for someone else, namely their God, sitting in the pew at church confessing every Goddamn sin in hopes of someone or something else accepting them. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in God, but I believe in  God as a moral landmark in the confidence that there is something beyond life that is unanswerable and worth living for. There is something about religion that makes people feel the need to convince everyone whom crosses their path to be converted or saved, as if this pursuance will leave peace with them. Really, I find this to be a personal problem and lack in an individual to understand the eternal struggle.

When you are stuck in ED denial truth exists only as beliefs. This is true of everything in life; it is true as long as you accept it is true. When you believe it, then it is true for you. But that does not mean you do your homework and understand your down falls and change your mind. THAT is allowed. You can change your thinking whenever you want. You can change your opinion; no one is holding you back. You can spend the rest of your life reading about other people’s recoveries searching for the truth because somewhere down in you is this aching desire to understand. You swear till the day you die there is answer…but stop, and think. What the hell are you looking for? What answer are you going to continue to struggle to find? There isn’t one. The only answer possible of finding has nothing to do with health, nutrition or weight, let alone food. It only has to do with YOU. This is so frustrating to people because they are so desperately seeking the answers to their problems. But, the problem IS you. There isn’t anything you need to hear or find out or even understand. Just know that the truth can only be understood and accomplished when you learn what works for you in life. The only belief you need to stand by is the BELIEF IN YOURSELF.

I hope this post has provided you somewhat with questions for yourself. I can’t riddle you the answer to recovery because I don’t have it, nor am I actively seeking it anymore because there is not an answer. There is no magical Buddha quote that will make me realize what exactly recovery is. Such actions only create riddles. If Buddha helps you understand you need to find the truth WITHIN yourself, then read away. A lot of his stuff makes sense or at least gets you thinking down the right track. I can at most provide the blog world with encouragement, determination and proof of change and skills. You are given the opportunity to make a purpose and meaning in your life. I do hope once it clicks for you, you will know where to look, you will know what you need to do and how to do it. When it clicks, life is totally up to you. There is no answer seeking because everything…eeeeeverything about life and you is constantly changing and evolving. There are no rules to recovery and no advice I have no already provided that will help you.

Did you ever think it is not just eating disordered sufferers who have inner voices? EVERYONE has an inner voice unless there is a stick so far up your ass that you assume it means you’re crazy. But every average Joe has an inner self and voice. Whether you believe it or acknowledge it remains up to you. The truth is full of emotions, intuition, and desire for knowledge and answers. When you feel extremely shitty in recovery, bloated, fat, full whatever, that’s your inner voice. To be yourself you need to find a way to deviate from this over walked path.

You need to be untraditional. Look at the big time successful people in life, they in no way took a traditional route to get there. When you understand you are blindly following a path of recovery laid out by someone else, or you are trying to mock the recovery or another…you’ve failed. You need to listen to your inner voice because it will always speak the truth and when you learn to listen, the answers will be provided. It won’t be what you want, it won’t be perfect, it won’t be set in stone, but you will find YOUR TRUTH.

Next Post…getting into meditation and answering the ever common ‘Who are you?’

Not Much Wednesday, Feb 16 2011 

But a video, no time for anything but a quick video. Process of moving, working, living 🙂 I do have a post in the works on meditation.

 

 

 

Promotions, Donations & HappyGirl! Friday, Jan 28 2011 

EDIT!! PLEASE NOTICE THE NEW ADDITION IN THE TOP LEFT CORNER OF MY BLOG, A DONATION BUTTON. THIS IS TO HELP TOWARD A LASTING RECOVERY TO GET BLOOD WORK I CANNOT AFFORD. AS SOON AS I RECEIVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, I WILL POST MY BLOOD RESULTS AND DEXA SCAN IN HOPES OF PROMOTING A STRONGER ARGUMENT FOR EATING DISORDER RECOVERY AND THE PRIMAL WAY. I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO ANY AND EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTES

Well I do not have much time to post this week but wanted to do a quick fooooortay on a few things I have noticed…

Before I got stuck in my eating disorder I was this very charismatic, outgoing, unpredictable person. There are a few things lately which lead me to believ I am coming back to this person

  • I suffer some real ADD that makes me laugh so hard with my friends about nothing
  • I love Jersey Shore; I sit through the whole thing…GUIDOOOO. I need to get a GTL bag
  • I got a hold of camouflage duct tape. I put it on my hand and went up to my dad (visited my parents) who wears camo pants 24/7 and was like “look you cant see me hand!!”….I’m such a retard haha
  • I have been talking on the phone ten times more than I use to. Good things to come J
  • I have more energy than I know what to do with. I feel like someone spiked my body with a cross of Ritalin and speed. I cannot slow down!

I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS AT WORK THIS WEEK!!! BOUYAAAAAAAA

And some good reading I have come across this week:

All from Stephanie’s Blog, amazing information here

http://stephanie-on-health.blogspot.com/ :

It has been estimated that 70% of America’s children are currently deficient in vitamin D [20] (Details) . This is not surprising, given current medical advice. The sunscreen industry lobby has convinced most Americans, including medical experts, that the sun should be aggressively avoided to prevent skin cancer. This, in spite of the fact that the sun is an excellent source of vitamin D, allowing the skin to manufacture it directly from cholesterol. Moreover, vitamin D is protective against all cancers (Details) a characteristic which, in my view, more than compensates for any extra skin cancer risk incurred by sunbathing. Vitamin D deficiency is also associated with an increased risk of high blood pressure and diabetes [35]. In order to get vitamin D from food, it is necessary to eat animal fats; animals manufacture vitamin D, a fat-soluble vitamin, and store it in their fat cells.

The American medical establishment is heavily entrenched in the idea that dietary fat is unhealthy. People are encouraged to adopt low fat diets, which inevitably lead to an increase in their intake of carbs and sugars, as much of the fat removed in foods is replaced with sugars to make them palatable. Many foods are also often highly processed and easily digested, leading to a rapid rise in blood sugar. At the same time, foods containing vitamin D are avoided, due to their universally high fat content.

Vitamin D is crucial to the absorption of calcium from the gut into the blood stream, and both vitamin D and calcium are important catalysts in crucial biological processes. Fats also promote the uptake of calcium in the gut, whereas dietary fiber, touted as being healthy, impedes it [38] (Details) . These three nutrients, fats, vitamin D, and calcium, have intricate mutual dependencies that make it important to consume them together. Americans are deficient in these important nutrients because of their perceived need to pursue a low fat diet and avoid sun exposure.

ADHD and Anorexia:

Fat cells are part of the endocrine system, and, as I’ve discussed before, they have the power to influence the degree to which muscle cells prefer glucose versus fats as an energy source. They exercise this control by releasing two signaling peptides: leptin and adiponectin. Adiponectin promotes glucose consumption by the muscles, and it also acts directly on the fat cells to encourage them to take up glucose and convert it to fat. Leptin, on the other hand, stimulates the muscles to prefer fat consumption over glucose consumption.

Statistically, children with ADHD have an abnormally efficient glucose metabolism rate, i.e., for the same amount of insulin, blood sugar levels drop more quickly after a meal than in other children. This observation suggests that their fat cells have arranged a set point of a high adiponectin to leptin ratio, such that the muscles prefer glucose over fats, and fat cells are predisposed to convert glucose to fat. The glucose levels drop more quickly because the muscles and fat cells are using more of it.

Anorexics, children who intentionally starve themselves, are known to have extremely efficient glucose metabolism (tend towards hypoglycemia) and also to have a high ratio of adiponectin to leptin concentrations . This strategy maximizes availability of fatty acids to the heart and brain. It is curious that anorexia is much more common in girls, and ADHD is much more common in boys.

Researchers at Harvard Medical School suspected that there might be an association between anorexia and ADHD. To test this hypothesis, they compared girls with ADHD against a control group to see whether the ones with ADHD were predisposed towards anorexia(ADHD and Anorexia). The results showed that girls with ADHD were 3.6 times more likely than the control group to develop an eating disorder. I have come to believe that anorexia is a technique to combat ADHD that girls are able to adopt, whereas boys do not have enough fat cells to carry out the task of converting glucose to fat. Ritalin is well known to reduce appetite, and long term use can lead to an anorexia-like condition. It may well work, in part, because it achieves this ultra-thin state, thus conserving fats by minimizing the consumption of fat by cells that can get by on glucose.

TWO biggest problems in health:

For several decades now, Americans have come to believe that the following two practices are foundational in a healthy lifestyle:  eat a low-fat diet, and  stay away from the sun. Additionally, if people consume adequate amounts of calcium, then all three nutritional deficiencies that have led to obesity will be overcome: vitamin D, calcium, and dietary fat.

The lack of adequate dietary fat contributes to the metabolic syndrome in at least four ways:  vitamin D is only available in fatty food sources because it is a fat-soluble vitamin, calcium uptake is more efficient when the calcium is consumed with dietary fats, calcium uptake depends critically on the presence of vitamin D, which is deficient due to (1) above, and the burden of fat cells to manufacture fatty acids from sugar is alleviated by the dietary availability of fats from ingested food sources.

I would also argue that one should make sure to ingest adequate amounts of dietary fat, especially dairy fat . Whole milk is particularly outstanding because it contains substantial amounts of calcium and vitamin D, and it contains the necessary fat to assure that these two elements will be well utilized rather than just passing through the digestive system unabsorbed. Animal fats such as bacon are good sources of vitamin D, while also supplying fatty acids to help with energy needs. Fatty fish such as salmon and sardines are particularly good because they contain both omega-3 fats and vitamin D. One should assiduously avoid the trans fats found in processed foods such as cookies, crackers, and margarine. Butter and eggs are also healthy choices. Egg yolk is particularly good because it contains both fats and vitamin D. Nuts, particularly walnuts, almonds, and macademia nuts, are excellent sources of omega 3 fats.

The fat cells are able to influence the muscles to preferentially take up fats rather than glucose by releasing certain hormones into the blood, hormones that also have a powerful influence over appetite. One of these hormones is leptin. While leptin influences the muscle cells indirectly through its signaling in the hypothalamus, it also stimulates the muscle cells directly, and influences them to oxidize fatty acids in their mitochondria. Leptin also encourages the fat cells to release their fats through lipolysis. All of these actions work in concert to redirect fuel usage away from glucose. The programming of the muscles to preferentially consume fats aligns well with the fat cells’ infusion of fats into the blood and absorption of sugars through their fat-producing factories.

Leptin also has the effect, via the hypothalamus and pituitary gland, of suppressing appetite. Adiponectin is another hormone released by fat cells, and it is generally agreed that adiponectin induces hunger. Leptin and adiponectin levels would ordinarily fluctuate throughout the day, with leptin levels rising at night to encourage a switch from glucose-based to fat-based energy management. However, in the obese person, the leptin levels are typically high all the time, and the adiponectin levels are kept very low. High levels of leptin in the blood signal to the appetite center in the brain a sense of being full, whereas high levels of adiponectin are hunger-inducing. This means that the obese are being informed both that they are full, and that they are not hungry. You would think that this would protect them from overeating. However, it is likely that the observed insensitivity to leptin as an appetite suppressant in the obese is also related to calcium depletion, because the signaling mechanisms that respond to leptin in both the hypothalamus (Details) and the pituitary gland (Details) depend on changes in internal calcium concentrations

The result of these three deficiencies is defective glucose uptake in both muscle and fat cells. The obese person becomes trapped in an endless metabolic cycle of trying to supply the energy needed for a steadily increasing demand. The fat cells are at the center of the storm, because they are burdened with the arduous assignment of converting the excess consumed sugars and carbohydrates into fat. The fat cells must do this because the muscle cells are impaired with a malfunctioning ability to metabolise sugars. Even if the metabolic problem were not fixed, if the obese person simply ate more fat, and therefore consumed fewer carbs, the fat cells’ burden would be greatly alleviated. In addition, getting plenty of vitamin D and calcium, either through diet or sun exposure, would alleviate the core problem of impaired glucose transport across the cell wall. Now that the heart and muscles can utilize sugars directly, the excessive burden on the fat cells to expand and proliferate is relieved, and the body fat will inevitably melt away.

The metabolic syndrome is a term used to encapsulate a complex set of markers associated with increased risk to heart disease. The profile includes insulin resistance and dysfunctional glucose metabolism in muscle cells, excess triglycerides in the blood serum, high levels of LDL, particularly small dense LDL, the worst kind  low levels of HDL (the “good” cholesterol) and reduced cholesterol content within the individual HDL particles, elevated blood pressure, and obesity, particularly excess abdominal fat. I have argued previously that this syndrome is brought on by a diet that is high in empty carbohydrates (particularly fructose) and low in fats and cholesterol, along with a poor vitamin D status [Seneff2010]. While I still believe that all of these factors are contributory, I would now add another factor as well: insufficient dietary sulfate.

  • A recent analysis of data from the Nurses’ Health Study, an ambitious long-term study involving over 18,000 nurses, showed that fat in dairy consumption was associated with high fertility. Women who said they ate low-fat diary increased their risk of infertility by 85%, whereas women who consistently ate high-fat dairy decreased their risk by 27%. Fertility is an indicator of the degree to which the body perceives that it is prepared to support a fetus. Breast milk has an extremely high fat content, significantly higher than that of cow’s milk. It then seems logical that, once mother’s milk is replaced with table foods, these foods should continue to be high in fat content.

Heres an interesting tidbit on ketosis and pregnancy:

http://www.ketotic.org/2011/01/kb-are-important-for-fetal-development.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A71QF98qEXM

Recovery Full of Lean Gains Friday, Jan 21 2011 

LEAN_GAINS…. this is the dream of every eating disordered individual on the face of the earth. If you would like to sit back and think that there was no distinguishing your body image, weight and appearance in your eating disorder then be my guest, but realize I do not believe you. Everyone wants to feel good in their skin. Everyone wants to look good in their body. Everyone wants a carefree attitude toward themselves, their food, and how it interacts and relates in their every day lives.

When I was suffering the malnutrition and horrendous side effects of being stuck in a disease, everything about my body image and food intake, or lack thereof, was incredibly distorted but so REAL to me at the time. If you have been reading my blog you understand the first step in the right direction in recovery from an eating disorder is acceptance, not per say of yourself, because it is not possible with a distorted mind. But acceptance in recovering and finding yourself. This means you need to force your mind to separate from your body. See yourself as a being one entity, all of it’s own without your eating disorder. Put a cup in front of you and make that your disorder. It is NO longer in your mind. Until you can force yourself to see this difference, you will always live WITH an eating disorder rather than recover from one. Until you understand and accept it is all in your head, your life will be run by food- plain and simple. All food blogger’s lives are run by food. I do not think that is healthy. Hosting a recipe site is one thing, but if you need accountability for yourself via the web that is just weird. You lack of trust in yourself and you lack the maturity to force discipline in yourself.

What you do is up to you. How you recover is up to you. I have always held true to the fact that my recovery goes against conventional wisdom. You will never find a nutritionist or dietician who will say ‘my way’ is the right way. I can guarantee you their way isnt the right way simply because the right way is the way your PERSONALLY find and experience. You cant mirror someone else’s recovery or food because you are not them. All I can do is reflect with my blog what has worked for me and continues to amaze me everyday. And that is where LeanGains comes in…

Martin Berkhan hosts a website devoted to strength training and a dietary protocol which instills a no-strings-0r-emotional attachment guideline to food, eating, and lifting weights. I found Martin’s site well over a year ago and was immediately drop-of-the-jaw amazed by his research, self experimentation to find what works, as well as similarities between his dieting journey and my own. While looking at the website on first glance one would assume Martin is a genetic freak of nature, he was once a chubby kid just like I was. I was a fat, big-ol chubby child and teen. However I never really got overweight because I was strong, and active with cheerleading, dance and field hockey in high school.

However, college led me to drinking and eating all hours of the day which lead to some good fat gain. From there, I dieted down and turned on this genetic switch i have since been tryig to switch back off. I became this distorted beast of doubt, hate, willpower, and starvation. But most of all I suffered to most selfish mental hate you can imagine. I got so incredibly stick thin, gazing food, thinking about food, tallying food, drooling over recipes and food I would never touch, and doing just enough to stay alive(save for the 4 times I can actually remember almost dying). I hit rock bottom and tried conventional wisdom, conventional treatment and did any and everything the ‘industry’ wanted out of me. I slowly painfully and undevotingly put on enough weight to still be ‘anorexic’ but no longer deadly. you can coin this, no pun intended to my ability to fool the scale chugging water and putting rolls of quarters in my bra before ‘weigh-in.’ I hadnt accepted recovery because I didnt not trust or believe in ‘the industry.’ I needed to find what made sense to ME and only I could decide and find that.

Thing is nothing had changed following what doctors said. I was more food focused than ever, more tightly side tracked in counting, summarizing, tallying, everything like a second nature beat in my everyday obsessive life. All repetitive mind controlling like ackward ecstasy almost. I hated it and I hate going back there and remembering it. I hated my life. I hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t figure out what the fuck was wrong with me, why I WAS a freak and why I was so fat, but not ever really big at all. Why did I CARE about my food, why did I HAVE TO workout, why did I have to be that freak oddball whom everyone and their brother’s sister’s aunt’s cousin was nervous around; always tiptoeing around the right words.

Then I found LeanGains. Martin prescribes a basic guideline, easy, no thinking involved way of eating. JUST EAT 8 hours a day and GET ON WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE the other 16. Get it? Easy. This is how I based my recovery and weight gain over the past almost 2 years. At first I was a ‘zero carber’ but obviously when I started blogging was when I also gained some common sense as well- JUST EAT REAL FOOD, even easier. So, two things have come out of me in the past year :

*JUST FUCKING EAT 8 HOURS A DAY, enough to gain weight if you need to…it does not matter what your ‘macros are’ your ‘grams’ are etc etc. nothing to think about. Just devote 8 hours of your day for eating. From here, you work with yourself, finding what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. don’t eat shit you don’t like, don’t plan meals because you think you need X Y and Z, JUST EAT. If you cant cut it then DONT DO IT but I am informing you what works for me.

* I eat real food, simple. If it breathes in nature I prolly want it dead and on my plate., preferably rare and bloody. And yes, supposedly ‘plants’ and vegetables breathe too. And hands down dairy is food to me, I love it.

Has it worked? Haaa, only the best idea I have ever in my life followed through with. With 16 hours of a day left ‘free’ your mind has NO CHOICE but to find something else to do. You find new interests, hobbies, more time for family and friends, more energy devoted to your job, your affairs. Everything is less stressful, more calming and relaxed.

It also helped my digestion. Every eating disordered individual has some pooper problems, EVERY ONE. Whether you restrict or binge or barf you have gut malfunctions. Intermittent fasting allows your body a break, and time to assimilate and put to use all the good food you feed it when you do eat.

I was taught forced with this acceptance of recovery and trusting Martin’s guidelines as well as the nature of intermittent fasting, to eat big. Eat a big ass meal, lots of food. And I was still alive to tell the tale. My food digests relatively well prolly 90% better than it has in the past, and I am SATISFIED AT EVERY MEAL. Not a day goes by that I do not truly enjoy my meals, my food and the satisfaction of nourishing myself as it is meant to be. Now, this doesn’t mean my mind is disordered free, with my passion of the human body I often get caught up in 10 different studies at the same time and attempt to reflect them on myself, but it is no longer an eating disorder, no longer a petty hate I have toward myself. I just have this ever running mind that aims to discover the human mind, not so much into the human body and physique especially in reflection of myself.

LeanGains forced me to grow up and mature. I had no choice. I HAD to eat big, I HAD to nourish myself because I accepted recovery and getting healthy. Why did I? Because I accepted it.

Then, in the past couple months, I read Body By Science (recommend everyone read this book) and was further schooled on the human body and its adaption to strength. I became very interested in strengthening my body and found that lifting heavy shit a couple times a week left me feeling AMAZING, and even more relaxed and calm than I could imagine. I need to eat big because I want to strengthen my body, I have a goal.You cannot get stronger without eating well, eating a lot, and trusting what you are doing.  I want strength. When you have an eating disorder, you’re weak, not just physically but mentally. Lifting has allowed me to gain confidence, as I continue to do because I am amazed at what my body can do, handle and take. This confidence reflects now in my blogging, my ability to discover joy in life, find shit funny, sit back, kick back and just not care about shit sometimes. It allowed me to feel the NEED to eat and get stronger. And I have, results have shown that this works. I have gained lean body weight, in a healthy manner, and continue to get healthier each and everyday.

I literally look forward to relinquishing my beast lifting weights twice a week and TRUSTING this is all I need to do. Again, the amount of mental time I save is freaking awesome. Unlike many people who wake up cardio, walk, stretch, breakfast, followed by incremental meals every 2 hours, lifting, blah bLAH BLAH. Just live your life. Eat for 8 hours. Eat big. Eat till you satisfied, even a bit stuffed. THEN GET ON WITH THE SHOW. This my friends, works J I may still well be full of ‘beginners gains’ in my strength, but fuck I will take it, I am happy and I am strong.

So, since I know you are anxious to read up here are some I recommend:

http://www.leangains.com/ Martin’s site, obviously

http://www.leangains.com/2009/11/fasting-and-metabolism.html

http://www.leangains.com/2010/10/top-ten-fasting-myths-debunked.html Myths about Fasting

http://www.leangains.com/2010/08/high-reps-vs-low-reps-for-muscle-gain.html Strength Training

http://www.leangains.com/2009/08/questions-answers.html

http://www.leangains.com/2009/07/questions-answers.html

Well, there’s a shit load to read at the site, so if your interested please put aside time to read it!!!!!!!!!

I could quite possibly kick the shit out of you, both in lifting weights(accounting for bodyweight) and eating haha. Have a good weekend !!

PS- You can be the judge, here is me today, post lifting(if anyone knows how to get the video to turn right side up, please let me know!!!) :

Never Forget:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-NK1zlvffY

Random Thoughts and Stuff Wednesday, Jan 19 2011 

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Insulin: a protein hormone formed from proinsulin in the beta cells of the pancreatic islets of Langerhans. The major fuel-regulating hormone, it is secreted into the blood in response to a rise in concentration of blood glucose or amino acids. Insulin promotes the storage of glucose and the uptake of amino acids, increases protein and lipid synthesis, and inhibits lipolysis and gluconeogenesis.

All true, but it sounds very biased. There is nothing wrong with gluconeogenesis, nor is there anything wrong with carbohydrate restriction. A glucose fueled body and a fatty acid fueled body are both healthy body’s (the latter arguably more health promoting and anti inflammatory). Insulin in and of itself has little to do with body weight and weight gain. The liver, pancreas and brain take care of this. One could potentially eat a ‘perfect’ diet totally devoid of carbohydrates, and still gain weight. if whatever you are eating is spiking your blood sugar and your pancreas is not releasing efficient amounts of insulin to clear the spike, then in turn you will store fat. This goes the same for EVERYTHING YOU EAT. Insulin is required to live, without it you would die. I think people are missing the point when the carbohydrate junk is thrown around, as well as the fear of blood sugar rises.

Lets say, for example, you do a 20 minute heavy lifting session in a fasted state(like first thing in the morning). Your body is PRIMED to produce a spike in blood sugar regardless of what you eat. NOT TO STORE FAT, but to reinstate hormesis in your muscles and deliver nutrients. This is the job of amino acids, but to deliver it you need insulin. Just a quick fortay rant.

See here from an interesting study I finally got around to reading:

However, protein-rich foods and bakery products (rich in fat and refined carbohydrate) elicited insulin responses that were disproportionately higher than their glycemic responses. Total carbohydrate (r = 0.39, P < 0.05, n = 36) and sugar (r = 0.36, P < 0.05,n = 36) contents were positively related to the mean insulin scores, whereas fat (r —¿ 0.27,NS, n 36) and protein (r —¿ 0.24,NS,n = 38) contents were negatively related. Consideration of insulinscores may be relevant to the dietary management and pathogenesis of non-insulin-dependent diabetes mellitus and hyperlipidemia and may help increase the accuracy of estimating preprandial insulin requirements. However, carbohydrates not the only stimulus for insulin secretion. Protein-rich foods or the addition of protein to a carbohydrate-rich meal can stimulate a modest rise in insulin secretion without increasing blood glucose concentrations, particularly in subjects with diabetes (20—22).Similarly, adding a large amount of fat to a carbohydrate-rich meal increases insulin secretion even though plasma glucose responses are reduced (23, 24). Fasting insulin concentrations were not more variable in females than in males and there were no significant differences at various stages of the menstrual cycle. A significant correlation was found between mean fasting insulin concentrations and mean BMI values for the six groups of subjects. On average, fish elicited twice as much insulin secretion as did the equivalent portion of eggs. Within the fruit group, oranges and apples produced a significantly lower GS and IS.

In summary, insulin responses to protein-rich foods are often 50 to 70 percent lower than responses to equivalent amounts of refined carbohydrate-rich foods. So beef does lead to insulin response but much lower than high carbohydrate, especially refined carbohydrate foods. Combine beef with white buns and now you have a real insulin spike. You can do without the bun but not without the beef (protein).

Also, a friend via facebook informed me of this amazing interview, everyone should read if they have time, and then read this guy’s book The Power of Seduction:

From http://www.powerseductionandwar.com/archives//print/robert_greene_yale_speech.phtml :

There are three types of people in this world in dealing with this social reality. There are, what I call, the deniers, the people who deny this reality exists. They almost want to pretend that we are descended from angels and not from primates. That what I am talking about here is cynical. It doesn’t really exist. It doesn’t happen.

Among these deniers, you will find two types. You will find people who are genuinely disturbed by the politicking aspect of human nature. They don’t want any kind of job in which they have to do that. You will find that they are slowly marginalized. They can be happy that way. They are never going to assume a position of great responsibility because it involves all of this.

The other branch of the deniers are the people that are the passive-aggressors. I would classify this woman who had tortured me as a kind of a classic passive-aggressor. People who consciously don’t want to admit that there is any kind of manipulation involved, but unconsciously are playing all kinds of games. In my books, I often describe the many different kinds, the trickiest kind of person to deal with, the passive-aggressors.

The second type of person besides the deniers are those who love this Machiavellian part of our nature and revel in it and are master manipulators, and con artists, and connivers and are very aggressive. They have no problem handling this part. In fact, they love it. This type of person, which usually you will find one or two in an office or in an environment. They can get pretty far, but eventually they are tripped up in life because they are too Machiavellian. They don’t understand that there is the other side to that whole idea of theory of mind and the mirror neurons, which is empathy and cooperation and seducing people and getting them to work with you. They are too much involved with themselves and their own ego and they love manipulating until they go too far and they have a fall in life. There is a wall. They can never get past it.

The third type is what I am calling the radical realist. It is what I am proposing that you adopt. And it goes as follows.

This is our nature. This is how we evolved over millions of years. There is no point in denying it. It is who we are. And not only am I not going to deny it, I am going to accept that this is the human being as it has evolved over all of this time.

In fact, I love it. It’s fine. There is nothing wrong with the fact that in this world people are playing political games. There is nothing wrong with the fact that there are seducers and con artists and it is going on all the time. It is just reality. It is just the world as it is. Stop fighting it. Just accept it.

Within that accepting of it, it is not that you love it and want to go out in the world and play all of these nasty games. It is that you understand they exist. If, occasionally, you have to do them, fine. That’s okay within reason. If it is often other people are practicing them against you, which you will find a lot in your life, once you leave the confines of Yale, that’s okay.

You understand the laws of power. You understand what people are up to, and they can’t necessarily hurt you. In accepting this reality and in dealing with it and studying human nature and this aspect of what I call Machiavellian intelligence, suddenly with that attitude, with that mentality, you have all kinds of power and freedom.

With power comes a degree of freedom. Now, everybody is an individual. Some people like a position of dependence, and they feel happiest when there is somebody taking care of them. But, ultimately, I’m not happy with that because I know that that person will eventually withdraw their support. That unless this is someone who I am going to live with my whole life, that’s a different question, that eventually I am going to be left alone. And that dependency, that love or happiness that came from someone else, I can’t really 100 percent depend on it. I want to be able to have it depend on something that comes from within. Even to love somebody, even if you are going to live with them, is almost a skill that you have to develop, and it has to come from within.

And the only thing that is of value is something that you develop yourself through your life experiences, through maybe some hard times where you learn how to seduce. You learn how to compromise. You learn how to be in a relationship and how to love. And then once you have that skill or whatever you want to call it, then nobody can take it away from you and you have power and you have freedom and a degree of happiness

Amazing stuff, no?

I use to, iin the beginning of refeeding, suffer some massive digestion problems, diarrhea followed by days of wanting to go and getting nothing, and it seems to be a common trend(check out recent comments). The only advice I can offer someone who I don’t know, I don’t believe because eating disorders are all lies, and I don’t think has taken the time to read my blog is this:

*Starving yourself starves the gut flora balance, acid production and basic digestive ability of your body. Obviously, youre going to be faced with these problems upon refeeding. If after you eat a meal the left upper part of your abdomen hurts(below your heart) then you may want to get your pancreas checked. If it is oversecreting insulin you may get a pain from there. If the right side of your body like across from your heart ever aches, that’s your liver get it checked. Anorexics notoriously had bad liver with the inability to manufacture and store glucose causing all kinds of NAFLD problems in the future. * Eat sauerkraut, REAL FUUL FAT yogurt, kimichi, BONE BROTH etc. many complain but VERY FEW follow what I say.

Unless you have other problems going on, meat doesn’t raise glucose levels very much. If one has Insulin Resistance of the liver, the liver can’t or doesn’t release it’s glycogen stores very well. So a large surge of insulin can cause your blood glucose level to go too low, before the liver is finally coaxed into releasing it’s stored glycogen by the surge in adrenaline and cortisol. Protein is essential, carbs are not. Eating both protein and carbs results in additive effect on insulin production. You can only cut protein so much, but you can cut carbs dramatically.

I also cam across this:

“Severe reactive hypoglycemia and have a very good awareness of my pancreatic functions. I can feel insulin pumping out and my pancreas HURTS when it’s required to put out alot of insulin. Also beef is known to secrete more insulin than other meats.Also liquid beef amino supplements are known to enhance muscle growth compared to other animal amino mixes or even whey….I think due to the enhanced insulin. Insulin is a necessary bodily function but you just have to keep it under control. It serves a function don’t forget. It shuttles the nutrients you eat into cells. Eating beef is still much better than eating carbs because although it raises insulin considerably, it also raises glucagon. The insulin is coming out to deal with the amino acids, not sugar. Since it raises glucagon also your blood sugar remains relatively stable. However, there “is” a myth among low carbers regarding meat not raising insulin levels. Mostly due to a fear of insulin. In a normal-functioning metabolism, insulin goes up to signal body cells to absorb the glucose in the blood. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s supposed to work that way. When the glucose gets into the cells, then the insulin level goes back down. “

*Most low carbers don’t have a normal-functioning metabolism. Insulin stays elevated for HOURS, even after blood glucose levels come down, they have an elevated “basal” level of insulin sometimes high enough to interfere with fat oxidation, so they have a lot of trouble losing body fat; both of which lowering carbs is supposed to correct. *

This is known as the dawn phenomenon…google it to find out more, it is a NORMAL body process with eating less carbohydrates.

*Unless you have other problems going on, meat doesn’t raise glucose levels very much. If one has Insulin Resistance of the liver, the liver can’t or doesn’t release it’s glycogen stores very well. So a large surge of insulin can cause your blood glucose level to go too low, before the liver is finally coaxed into releasing it’s stored glycogen by the surge in adrenaline and cortisol. Protein is essential, carbs are not. Eating both protein and carbs results in additive effect on insulin production. You can only cut protein so much, but you can cut carbs dramatically. The real problem is that your insulin mechanism and the pancreas have a memory. Your insulin response to food is based on what you have been eating lately, not what you have eaten just then. It takes a day or two for your insulin response to food to change. However, I will say that if you are significantly insulin resistant and have either hypoglycemia or diabetes, that even if you are zero carb, too much protein can cause problems similar to too many carbs. People who have their insulin/glucagon response damaged and too much protein for me causes the same reactive hypoglycemia one gets with carb intake, so the insulin response is still too high for the glucagon to completely counteract it if you are not careful.


ANNNNNNNND some interesting studies I came across…

http://www.springerlink.com/content/q0q207040440t228/

Abstract

The effect of cigarette smoking on carbohydrate metabolism has been investigated in 10 diabetic and 18 non-diabetic subjects. All were habitual smokers. Neither the fasting plasma sugar nor the plasma sugar response to an oral glucose load was significantly altered by smoking. Serum insulin, free fatty acids, cholesterol and triglyceride were measured in 10 non-diabetic patients, and were not significantly altered by smoking. It is concluded that in habitual smokers at least, cigarette smoking does not impair carbohydrate metabolism. In addition, it seems that smoking before or during an oral glucose tolerance test is unlikely to influence the diagnostic value of the test.

Effect of exercise on the disposal of infused ketone bodies in humans.

Féry FBalasse EO.

Laboratory of Experimental Medicine, Free University of Brussels, Belgium.

Abstract

We previously reported that the stimulatory effect of exercise on the metabolic clearance of ketone bodies in postabsorptive subjects is abolished when plasma ketone body concentrations are elevated above 4 mmol/L by prior fasting. In this study we determined whether this process is related to fasting or to hyperketonemia itself. Eight normal postabsorptive subjects were rendered artificially hyperketonemic (approximately 6 mmol/L) by a constant infusion of acetoacetate and exercised moderately for 2 h. The kinetics of ketone bodies were determined with [14C]acetoacetate or beta-[14C]hydroxybutyrate. The metabolic clearance was slightly increased (approximately 25%) at the beginning of exercise, but this phenomenon was subsequently amplified by the progressive fall in ketonemia, which decreased to about 4 mmol/L at the end of exercise. Taking into account the fact that the metabolic clearance of ketones is inversely related to their concentration, it could be estimated that the direct effect of exercise on the metabolic clearance is negligible. Thus, the inability of exercise to enhance the metabolic clearance of ketones at high physiological plasma ketone levels is a general phenomenon that applies to both endogenous and exogenous ketosis.

The effects of carbohydrate variation in isocaloric diets on glycogenolysis and gluconeogenesis in healthy men.

Bisschop PHPereira Arias AMAckermans MTEndert EPijl HKuipers FMeijer AJSauerwein HPRomijn JA.

Department of Endocrinology and Metabolism, Academic Medical Center, University of Amsterdam, The Netherlands. p.h.bisschop@amc.uva.nl

Abstract

To evaluate the effect of dietary carbohydrate content on postabsorptive glucose metabolism, we quantified gluconeogenesis and glycogenolysis after 11 days of high carbohydrate (85% carbohydrate), control (44% carbohydrate), and very low carbohydrate (2% carbohydrate) diets in six healthy men. Diets were eucaloric and provided 15% of energy as protein. Postabsorptive glucose production was measured by infusion of [6,6-2H2]glucose, and fractional gluconeogenesis was measured by ingestion of 2H2O. Postabsorptive glucose production rates were 13.0 +/- 0.7, 11.4 +/- 0.4, and 9.7 +/- 0.4 micromol/kg x min after high carbohydrate, control, and very low carbohydrate diets, respectively (P < 0.001 among the three diets). Gluconeogenesis was about 14% higher after the very low carbohydrate diet (6.3 +/- 0.2 micromol/kg x min; P = 0.001) compared to the control diet, but was not different between the high carbohydrate and control diets (5.5 +/- 0.3 vs. 5.5 +/- 0.2 micromol/kg x min). The rates of glycogenolysis were 7.5 +/- 0.5, 5.9 +/- 0.3, and 3.4 +/- 0.3 micromol/kg x min, respectively (P < 0.001 among the three diets). We conclude that under eucaloric conditions in healthy subjects, dietary carbohydrate content affects the rate of postabsorptive glucose production mainly by modulation of glycogenolysis. In contrast, dietary carbohydrate content affects the postabsorptive rate of gluconeogenesis minimally, as evidenced by only a slight increase in gluconeogenesis during severe carbohydrate restriction.

Gluconeogenesis and energy expenditure after a high-protein, carbohydrate-free diet.

Veldhorst MAWesterterp-Plantenga MSWesterterp KR.

NUTRIM School for Nutrition, Toxicology and Metabolism, Department of Human Biology, Maastricht University Medical Centre, Netherlands. m.veldhorst@hb.unimaas.nl

Abstract

BACKGROUND: High-protein diets have been shown to increase energy expenditure (EE).

OBJECTIVE: The objective was to study whether a high-protein, carbohydrate-free diet (H diet) increases gluconeogenesis and whether this can explain the increase in EE.

DESIGN: Ten healthy men with a mean (+/-SEM) body mass index (in kg/m(2)) of 23.0 +/- 0.8 and age of 23 +/- 1 y received an isoenergetic H diet (H condition; 30%, 0%, and 70% of energy from protein, carbohydrate, and fat, respectively) or a normal-protein diet (N condition; 12%, 55%, and 33% of energy from protein, carbohydrate, and fat, respectively) for 1.5 d according to a randomized crossover design, and EE was measured in a respiration chamber. Endogenous glucose production (EGP) and fractional gluconeogenesis were measured via infusion of [6,6-(2)H(2)]glucose and ingestion of (2)H(2)O; absolute gluconeogenesis was calculated by multiplying fractional gluconeogenesis by EGP. Body glycogen stores were lowered at the start of the intervention with an exhaustive glycogen-lowering exercise test.

RESULTS: EGP was lower in the H condition than in the N condition (181 +/- 9 compared with 226 +/- 9 g/d; P < 0.001), whereas fractional gluconeogenesis was higher (0.95 +/- 0.04 compared with 0.64 +/- 0.03; P < 0.001) and absolute gluconeogenesis tended to be higher (171 +/- 10 compared with 145 +/- 10 g/d; P = 0.06) in the H condition than in the N condition. EE (resting metabolic rate) was greater in the H condition than in the N condition (8.46 +/- 0.23 compared with 8.12 +/- 0.31 MJ/d; P < 0.05). The increase in EE was a function of the increase in gluconeogenesis (DeltaEE = 0.007 x Deltagluconeogenesis – 0.038; r = 0.70, R(2) = 0.49, P < 0.05). The contribution of Deltagluconeogenesis to DeltaEE was 42%; the energy cost of gluconeogenesis was 33% (95% CI: 16%, 50%).

CONCLUSIONS: Forty-two percent of the increase in energy expenditure after the H diet was explained by the increase in gluconeogenesis. The cost of gluconeogenesis was 33% of the energy content of the produced glucose.

PS….will post some pictures when I get home tonight, after a feast 🙂

Gimme S’MORE!! Tuesday, Jan 11 2011 

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So to expand on my last post I think I just may share some thought provoking ‘stuff’ I have come across and how it entered my train of thought in eating disorder recovery. The more I read about obesity and starvation, the more I see a resemblance in the two disorders. If a person literally suffers a genetic mutation in the way their brain processes information, there is going to be a host of chemical misfirings and imbalances.

It is ALL in the head. But, being born as a person with a misfiring brain and obvious chemical deficiencies it blows my mind to read about what is really going on up there, why I really don’t see Mal in the mirror that is the Mal portrayed in pictures. There is a major genetic and biochemical component to both eating disorders and obesity (which I can probably lump into the ED category). While posing as opposite extremes of each other both have a great deal of difficulty either maintaining, gaining or losing weight. Research can only study and uncover so much information and even then, Campbell has shown us how skewed results can be when looking at studies.

Everyone has a bias and everyone thinks they’re right. If they weren’t then what would happen? No one would have opinions! But regardless the roles of leptin insulin and a range of hormones like ghrelin and the HPA axis of the brain are exceptionally important in weight regulation and hunger cueing.

Some research shows that obese people who are born with malfunctioning brains have uncontrollable appetites because of there misfiring. evolution in itself, the way we evolved and continue evolving (more horizontal evolving, lol), make it down right and damn near impossible to lose weight unconsciously once it has been gained. evolution would contribute to fat cells accumulating, and as it has happened over millions of years, they would ‘un-accumulate’ resulting in the feast vs. famine our ancestors faced.

For your average Joe who isn’t genetically mutated, hormones and neurology will effectively in most cases allow or feasting and famine, i.e. gaining and losing weight. But your body isn’t dumb, it catches on. The yoyo dieting only works so long, then you’re left with a fat confused body that is holding onto everything waiting for the next nutrient deficiency.

But either way you roll the dice, YOU as an individual WITH a functioning and working brain and body (because your reading this, I know you aint dead) have the MOST significant influence on your own mind and own body. You control your eating, your activity level and to an extent your dietary habits should always keep you in a genetically predisposed weight range. So instead of freaking out about every macronutrient, every food entity, every calories, gram, amino acid… but accept it. There’s things you can control BUT SHOULD NOT EVER make it a point to consciously do so.

This is where everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in life is going wrong. I will go out on a limb here and say THIS IS THE ULTIMATE DISEASE CAUSING, stress perplexing, and obesity rooted problem in America. People THINK that they have control over aspects of life that are, again evolutionarily speaking, NEVER supposed to be assumed, determined or even thought about. a job? Really, that’s relatively new to the human. an adaptation, we wake up to an alarm and sit at a desk for 8-10 hours a day. a hot shower? Again, really this is new to me about how 200 years ago we took a hot shower(and used soap or shampoo). Deliberately setting aside 1-2 hours a day to CONSCIOUSLY ‘workout?’. WRITING OUT, tallying, counting whatever you do food related so it can enter your body. Ohhh this is a biggie. What the fuck are you doing?

All these conscious efforts are the reason health is in such an upheaveled mess that it is today. Trying to have all this control is always going to be followed by failure, because you’re NOT EVER meant to be controlling the things  you do.

It sets up the mind of excess, those who do ‘this’ so they can feel okay with ‘that.’ when really, to begin with you should have even thought of ‘this’ and should have been actively living ‘that’ life. and in comes depression. The emotional attachment to the wrong-thoughted-world we live in heighten your risk of well, everything. From excessive food intake(because you read and mentally note a number of calories should be eaten everyday, for example). You have now set yourself up for disaster. Where exactly along the timeline of human life did someone think about a heat measurement for something that is supposed to go in your mouth and byproduct supply energy. THAT IS ALL FOOD IS, basic instincts drive us to eat it.

See, when you think about your food, you think about your intake, you think about your activity, you think about your so-called ‘healthy’ diet you’re interacting a STREAM of bodily reactions. Your body-brain system, namely your HPA axis is deregulated from energy expenditure and storage, which is mostly controls(not what you eat or think is healthy). It affects your appetite system, because this system in your body is NOT supposed to be based on when you think you should eat nor based around ‘meal times’. who the fuck eats 6 times a day? That’s ridiculous. YOUR OVERTHINKING THIS. Again, your appetite is mainly controlled by hormonal reactions based in your brain. Last you have the environment, the biological system you were born into which has impacted your eating patterns, what you ‘unconsciously think’ or SHOULDN’T BE thinking, and what is expected out of you.

I don’t know where exactly willpower centers in the body…like where it comes from? I have no idea, but it starts in the brain, I guarantee. But willpower is all you, thinking what you feel you ‘should be’ thinking. All the resulting changes in systems in your body change your social interactions, the context of how you view what is important in life, the meaning of what you see read or think, sooo sooo much. You are morphed into this brain that signals one message: you think and change when it matters to YOU and matters to your inborn environment, senses, and what it takes to ‘get along’ in life. See how selfish this is? See why eating disorders are selfish?

Willpower allows for it to keep happening, because you always have your guard up because you are ALWAYS thinking about aspects of life that should not even be considerable. And it does not stop there. Think about it. When you backtrack your eating disorder, you were not just overnight encompassed with this God-like ability to starvation upon yourself. It took willpower, and that willpower grew as your body shrunk. With each new nutritional deficiency, will power became stronger and stronger and your mind obsessively turned thought after thought which had NOTHING to do with the grand scheme of life. I did read that cognitive control, when repeated over time causes the cortex of the brain to use blood sugar more efficiently.

strange but to put it together, maybe while people are walking around stressing about X Y and Z which shouldn’t be in their brains to begin with, the repeated exposure to oddball mental states forces the chemical delivery in your brain to change resulting in obsession leading to depression and not just eating disorders, but MANY disorders. The lost ability of the chemical pathways in your brain to work correctly and how they should are not switched and focusing on large lump sums of ‘nothingness’ but to you, it’s all like incredibly crucial material.

This would improve you brain’s willpower and thus cause more blood sugar to be used, making weight loss easier. I don’t know; just think as I type here lol. Either way, for a disordered eater, CONSISTENCY in your own self-control is what’s killing you. Worrying about, as I showed selfishly earlier, shit that does not matter is making you and everyone else very very sick.

I think diets are retarded, as is the ‘desire’ to lose weight or gain weight, or exercise, or wake up to a clock every morning, or have to shuttle 80% of your income to student loans every month. It’s all flippin stupid! WORRY ABOUT THE HERE AND NOW and what life is really about. It’s random, UNPLANNED, beautiful, unpredictable, SOCIAL, loving, cherishing, a big ol learning experience. sorry, but health, body composition and weight should all be BY PRODUCTS OF THIS, and definitely NOT something you need to think about.

 

Hitler once said “People will swallow lies….provided they are big enough.”

 

I am going to harp on the vegetarians again, and in this same category, I will lump those who only get their sources of meat from stupid shit like chicken breasts and protein powder. Read up, low fat diet are killing your heart. Why? Maybe because your CONSCIOUSLY trying to keep your intake of fat low.

 

Stan, of the Heretic blog shows this: http://stan-heretic.blogspot.com/2011/01/low-fat-diets-could-increase-heart.html : “If anything, the literature shows a slight advantage of the high fat diet,” he said. “The focus on fat in dietary guidelines has been a massive distraction. … We should remove total fat from nutrition facts panels on the back of packs.”

 

Here, vegetarians are going to get heart disease(like how I jumped to that conclusion…keep hatin I love it. Denise of the RawFoodSOS blog recently did a post of heart disease and vegetarians. I recommend you read it, but I highlighted more than enough here :http://rawfoodsos.com/2011/01/06/vegetarians-and-heart-disease/

 

What I want to talk about right now is one of the most oft-cited perks of being a vegetarian: an apparently lower risk of heart disease compared to omnivores. A recent paper called Chemistry Behind Vegetarianism sums it up by saying “Omnivores have a significantly higher cluster of cardiovascular risk factors compared with vegetarians, including increased body mass index, waist to hip ratio, blood pressure, plasma total cholesterol (TC), triacylglycerol and LDL-C levels, serum lipoprotein(a) concentration, plasma factor VII activity, ratios of TC/HDL-C, LDL-C/HDL-C and TAG/HDL-C, and serum ferritin levels.” As we know, gender and smoking influenced the serum hs-CRP level significantly. In our previous study, there are more males and smokers in the omnivore group that can influence the statistical power of difference of hs-CRP between both groups. Actually, it failed to demonstrate a significant difference if male and female samples were analyzed separately. The surprising results? The vegetarians had significantly thicker arterial walls (p<0.0001), reduced flow-mediated dilation (a predictor of cardiovascular events) (p<0.0001), higher blood pressure (p<0.05), and higher triglycerides (p<0.05) than the omnivores. (According to the paper, the raised blood pressure might be related to some popular high-sodium vegetarian foods such as processed protein food substitutes, fake oyster sauce, and tomato paste.) In the researchers’ multivariate statistical models, vegetarianism had the strongest association with both artery thickness and diminished flow-mediated dilation out of all the variables documented—including age, gender, and triglyceride levels. As might be expected, the vegetarians also had lower B12 levels and higher homocysteine than the control group—but even after adjusting for these, vegetarianism remained strongly linked with less-healthy hearts. The researchers concluded with this: In summary, contrary to common belief, vegetarians, at least in the Chinese, might have accelerated atherosclerosis and abnormal arterial endothelial function, compared with omnivore control subjects. The increased risk could only be partially explained by their higher blood pressure, triglyceride, homocysteine, and lower vitamin B12 concentrations.

But just for kicks, let’s see what those sensationalist medical journals are trying to scare us with:

Vitamin B12 deficiency is associated with coronary artery disease in an Indian population. “Also, vegetarians were found to have significantly lower vitamin B12 concentrations (p=0.0001) and higher incidence of [coronary artery disease] (p=0.01).”

Vitamin B-12 and homocysteine status among vegetarians: a global perspective. “Overall, the studies we reviewed showed reduced mean vitamin B-12 status and elevated mean homocysteine concentrations in vegetarians, particularly among vegans. … Hyperhomocysteinemia is associated with an increased risk of atherosclerosis and cardiovascular disease.”

Vitamin B12 and homocysteine status in asymptomatic Indian toddlers. “We studied the prevalence of V B(12) deficiency and hyperhomocysteinemia in 51 asymptomatic toddlers, from Pune, India. V B(12) levels were low and total serum homocysteine was high in 14% and homocysteine levels were significantly higher in boys. Programming for cardiovascular risk in adulthood possibly starts at a very young age through the homocysteine axis.”

German vegan study: diet, life-style factors, and cardiovascular risk profile. “Although TC and LDL concentrations were favorable, low HDL and elevated homocysteine and Lp(a) concentrations were unfavorable. Overall, these results confirm the notion that a vegan diet is deficient in vitamin B(12), which may have an unfavorable effect on CHD risk.”

 

Also, thanks to one of my commenters I have checked out Dr Rosedale and what he has to offer my ever education oriented mind: “[People] get fat by not being able to burn it. And, that is 100% controlled by hormones (leptin and insulin)…”

 

Don of Primal Wisdom will point out why red meat does ANYTHING BUT cause women strokes here: http://donmatesz.blogspot.com/2011/01/red-meat-give-women-strokes-no.html where he states: This study didn’t show that eating a diet rich in red meat causes strokes.  On the contrary, it showed that at least 95% of people who eat the so-called high meat diet don’t suffer strokes.  It also showed that if you massage the data correctly, you get a result that will get media attention and support conventional preconceptions.

 

Still not satisfied, here:

A study by Cho, et. al. showed that women in the Nurses Study who had the highest fat intake had the lowest cancer rates. This was purported to show that an Atkins-type diet was unhealthy, but the data differed significantly from the conclusions.

 

Women who ate the most fat, the 5th quintile, had lower cancer rates than those who ate less fat (3rd and 4th quintiles.)

Those with very low animal fat intake had the lowest cancer rates.

The cancer rates in all quintiles was less than 1%, with rates between 0.68%-0.88% so differences are not really significant

Similar studies do not differentiate saturated fat intake from vegetable sources which is more dangerous than from animal saturated fats which may have very different effects.

 

And here, if you think good protein will damage your kidney or magically induce cancer when it is from freaking REAL FOOD:

http://westonaprice.org/blogs/the-curious-case-of-campbells-rats-does-protein-deficiency-prevent-cancer.html One thing is certain: low-protein diets depressed normal growth, increased the susceptibility to many toxins, killed toxin-exposed animals earlier, induced fatty liver, and increased the development of pre-cancerous lesions when fed during the initiation period of chemical carcinogenesis.

 

What do I think of all this, dietarily speaking?

 

  • There is NO advantage to eating less meat, especially fatty meat
  • There is no advantage to replacing meat with vegetables
  • Grain based diets, or those including are the biggest cause of hyperinsulimea. More the reason for a person in recovery to avoid because, there’s no evolution backing its consumption, and anorexics suffer hyperinsulemia while gaining weight
  • Grains and beans and even vegetables contain antinutrients, meaning your body nets more NEGATIVE nutrient leeching from eating them.
  • Up to 65% of what you think you’re getting from your high fruit and vegetable diet IS NOT EVEN BEING ABSORBED BY YOUR BODY

 

And lastly, being the practicing Roman Catholic girl I am as well as having many religious conscious readers in recovery, I will leave you with some interesting tid bits:

In Genesis 9:3: “Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. I have given you all things, even as the green herbs.”

In Genesis 18:8 the Lord comes down and visits with Abraham. During that visit it is recorded that God Himself- ate butter, meat, and raw milk. (So we know that since it’s in there, He wanted us to see that He gave His stamp of approval to these food sources.)

God commanded His priest to eat meat on at least 7 different occasions in the Old Testament. It is recorded that Jesus himself, ate fish and lamb, and on many occasions fed others meat, encouraged the catching of fish for food, and even cooked it.

Does it even make sense to claim that God wants us to only eat vegetables when He himself ate and encouraged the eating of meat?

 

 

 

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