Facing the Inevitable Friday, Mar 9 2012 

There is a deep emotional ‘umbilical cord attachment’ to your mom. She has this ‘know what’s going on’ feeling about you as her daughter. She senses your emotions, knows what to say and can sit in a room quiet with just because she knows it comforts you. She is there when you need her, she has an undying love for you and will do any and everything in her ungodly power to make you happy at any and every expense of her own happiness. She is strong and mighty. She is caring and resourceful. She is your everything. She is a mom. She is my mom. The same one who has informed me of the deep rooted feelings and attachments liken to having a child.

I want to shake my fist a God and I want isolation, a place to cry. I want to stay far away from any male who will come near such a less than adequate female. I long for attention and love but run from emotion and attachment. I am not a real woman, and through my own selfish dealing and decisions I am left incapable of reproducing…the sole reason I was put on this earth. I can’t even do what I am meant to do. I can’t do what I have longed for my entire life, to cherish and carry a living human in my body to birth and to love endlessly. I feel like a cruel and selfish individual, a living moving target at my own frustration. The innocence of a child is the most precious gift of life itself. I ripped away any chance of experiencing this through a child of my own. It’s gone.

It is something that will cross my tracks every day of the rest of my life and I cannot get it back. I regret all of my decisions every day. I knock heads with god and I infuriate my mind with self hate and a less than adequate status. I destroy myself and am bound to come tumbling down, only as my own punishment for living such a selfish self centered diseased existence for so long. You can’t ask for hope because hope doesn’t exist, it is impossible. There is no miraculous cure, no pill to swallow besides that of your own self worth and pride. There is no best of the worst way to deal with it. Sure, get on with life. The easiest thing to do for someone who has absolutely no idea what this feeling is like. I am a waste of a human, just taking up too much space in this already hectic crowded world.

Yet I am supposed to hold it together because even worse is people worrying about me, a serious waste of time. So swallow your lump, wipe your tears, get dressed and put on your act every day for the rest of your life like somehow it is all worth something. The ultimate privilege of being a woman is motherhood. There is a bullshit fallacy that renders children as nothing more than drudgery and inconvenience- I cannot imagine something further from the truth. I have more free time than I care to enjoy, more success at my job than I probably deserve. I have one drive, which is motherhood. The excelling in the workforce, in school, in knowledge and society are all second place to birthing a child and feeling that connection- it must be the ultimate pleasure and warming contentment life has to offer. There is a privilege to parenthood, high in standings I will never feel.

A joy I will never experience; everyone around me is getting pregnant. I want to know what it is like. There are babies everywhere. It is so overwhelming. I am so happy for them, but I feel like I deserve to get pregnant or stand the chance. Why are they allowed and I cannot?? All I can say now is, I’m sorry. For whatever it’s worth. For however far it can go…mom, dad and my could have been kids. I am so incredibly sorry. I feel like I have no excuse and I have no words. No words that can really make it right. But I did it all wrong- I did life wrong. I did the best years of my life fucked up backwards. I fucked it all up. And I am truly sorry. More sorry than I have probably been for anything in a very long time. I would go to the end of the earth and back a million times to take back what I have done, sacrifice every single belonging and feeling I have if I could have hope again. And I am sick of the suggestions, the advice. There is no miracle pill; no try this try that, just calm down, just don’t worry. Just relax…ahhhh….damn that’s annoying, it doesn’t help and it doesn’t work. Stress affecting me sure, but damnit I can’t have  kids, period and yes I am fucking stressed about it. It is my fault. There’s no fixing it. It is all I want. I want to know would my baby have my eyes, my personality, my strength, my nose, my husband’s habits, his eyes…nothing. I won’t know what any of that is like. Did I just not try hard enough? A quitter?

I am a girl, who will never be a woman, who has had her heart completely crushed into a thousand pieces by infertility. A girl who has been immersed in this world long enough to see others hurt even worse; worse than I ever would have believed possible. A girl who has seen too much, fallen too hard, and learned that all too often – the unthinkable can happen. I am a girl who is no longer blind to the pitfalls of this world. No take backs for this one. it hurts. It hurts deep down in my heart with hate circling through my head I could never translate to paper. I can’t look back and be proud, I can’t look back and say it was worth it. It was hideous, it was frivolous. But I fought with everything I had to be where I am today, and I can’t have the one drive I had in recovery- hopes of motherhood one day. It’s gone, all hope, all worthiness.

Life isn’t always fair, hell usually it is never fair. But sometimes it is downright brutal. I am struggling to cope with understanding life can be so damn brutal. I wish I could have it all but I can’t so I wish the best of luck and success for those who can. I wish for their happiness, their pregnancy and womb to be filled with never ending blessed love that mine will not. I wish the happy ending I will never achieve because, that is not who I am. I cannot be who I want to be.

And Then There was Mal… Wednesday, Feb 1 2012 

If anyone still reads my blog, just letting you know I am alive!! What have I been up to?

Well, I have no conquered the world…yet, but I did get a raise. Even better, I get to file my taxes soon and low and behold, I will get close-to-nothing back and probably owe the state, again, while everyone else around me continues buying Doritos, frozen egg rolls and cases of Coke with their food stamps. Oh, and they get free cell phones now too, 200 free minutes. If I could only not feel like I was going to hell for working the system I would do it…but low and behold, I have a conscience.

I am actually at this obnoxious-mind-consuming crossroad in my life. I am recovered from an eating disorder but still living in my head(more often than not), I have a full time job but not moving up anytime soon(no college degree), I have a new car but can barely rub a penny between my ass to make monthly payments on top of student loans, carrying full insurance, rent, bills, cell phone…oh right, and our shitty president is giving everyone free handouts but gas is $3.45/gallon. So I am living but not getting anywhere, eating but not understanding my body and what it actually would flourish on.

Ever read a bunch of foodie blogs of gorgeous chicks and their amazing creations and then think you’re doing everything wrong? I get especially frustrated(with myself) when I read of cardio bunny Gertrude(made up name hah picked one I doubt anyone has…damnit, now I know I just offended someone) eating green smoothies laced with crack-chia-vegemite-proteinpowder-chickpea-walnutbutter…and I ponder if this is real life, and people really put stuff like this together? Her PUFA content should have her dying approximately tomorrow with diabetes and NAFLD. And where’s her beef liver and eggs OMG she’s healthy happy and NOT paleo!??!

And she isn’t lifting 300 lbs 3 times a week heavy ass squatting ass to the ground and throwing herself at the ground only to jump back up and repeat it 100 times!??! Hell, even Beyonce can drink lemon spiked cayenne detox flush drinks and have a baby. I think my pissed off tone behind this is the fact that as I understand it, and as I comprehend it, none of this should be possible because spending 2934534 hours of my life reading about health and nutrition and reading study after study tells me, right there in arial font 12 point BOLD that all this is unhealthy, all of it will cause a fatty liver, diabetes, cancer wtf ever else you want to add to the list.

BUT, and there’s a but… damn if she doesn’t look healthy and damn if she doesn’t seem happy. Is there like this shadow of shit-on-me for someone who recovers from an eating disorder that says you will have lowgrade constant depression for eternity?? To me, it feels like there is. And for all I know it may be self loathing, why don’t I just snap out of it, why don’t I get out of my head, why don’t I ‘just get over it’. Trust me, if I could just do it(no pun) I would. “Oh Mallory, you look so much better, you must be eating well these days”… do not, like ever say this to anyone whether they once looked like an emancipated crack whore or they lived off a feeding tube for 6 months. It’s just stupid.

I am not loving my body, but I cant keep hating it because it seems to function worse when I do. I got some bloodwork showing I have damn near zero inflammation in my body and an almost undetectable c-reactive protein meaning there’s no bad stuff going on. Weeee so she’s healthy(with elevated iron, obviously, no rocket scientist is needed to figure out my meat gorging with no monthly bleeding is gonna lead to elevated iron…) but I surely still am not a socially-acceptable function as I should 26 year old woman. TWENTY-SIX-YEARS-OLD….and I am scared of becoming 30, 40 and still just ‘being her’ just living repeating the same shit day after day after day.

For what it’s worth, the life long consequences of this recovery stuff from something as severe as anorexia nervosa….they blow ass. On top of blowing ass myself usually post meal, my body will forever be in ‘famine mode’….7 years starving yourself and you didn’t die so now you have the rest of your existence to pack on weight with everything you eat, live with muckin-fucked up hormones and blood sugar problems, royally shitty sleeping patterns, and the all around inability to sit with yourself, let alone sit still.

So that I stop wallowing in my own self doubt and self pity I made a list of to do’s for 2012, I know one month late. It took a while for me to get out of my own head to decide what I want to change and a direction to ‘attempt’ to go in. why the hell is change so damned hard? Hardest will be getting away from the web. I swear I develop addictions easier than anyone in the world. I can literally have 50 browser web pages open because I get this rush of reading and information and overload. What the hell is that? I haven’t the slightest clue, but I love it.

Personal

*spend an entire day lying around

*spend an entire day in the kitchen baking(food I will eat)

*travel, randomly, unplanned…especially to New Orleans

*spend 24 hours outside…sun up to sun down

*find a new adrenaline rush(that isn’t mind numbing obsession)

*get more sleep

*master 3×15 chin ups (done, once)

*muscle-up

*take a mineral oil bath once a week with lotsa bubbles, then do girlie things like my nails and a facial

*find a place that is genuinely quiet, and listen

*meditate to the sun rising

*meditate to the sun setting

*run a 10k for a good cause

*go to church more

*get a gun, and be able to kill a m*therf*cker confidently

*volunteer at church

*pay more attention to what is going on in the world

*more spontaneity

*stay off the internet

*express myself instead of hide with a good act

Culinary

*learn to can food- pressure cooker

* master my cast iron dutch oven my momma got me

*master my bone broth

*master a rue(yes, that means flour)

*put together a recipe collage, at least get one started

*make a meal 100% from scratch- seed to ground to harvest to plate with only what I produce

*plant kabocha squash(b/c I am in love…) and pray it grows well here…DONE, just ordered seeds

*start a herb garden(basil….nom)

*find some local farmers for eggs and meat

*stick to eating local(or maybe not)

*go vegetarian for a week, just because I can

*get me some oysters more often, and master shuckin

*actually CATCH a crab on the coast

*use my fishing license

*make a meal based around a Hawaiian Potato(aka Okinawan)

*master roast beef(the seasoning rub)

Oh, and get to drinkin some mixed bevvvverages more often…

And here is how I see my future. No one down here really knows me, I don’t go out, I don’t have many friends outside the work place, yet for some reason I find it hard to hang out with my family as it seems to promote oddly acute amounts of anxiety. Based on that, it surely doesn’t matter whether I am 100lbs or whether I am 170lbs, no one knows me. There isn’t anything ‘to be expected’ so if for the life of me I can figure out how to ‘just be’ I just might have a chance at developing a personality outside health/nutrition before I die….maybe, just a slight possibility. Basically, I am sick of myself. I want a friend whom I can randomly show up at their house unannounced just because, I wanna bake some cookies, listen to music and pour some strawberry daiquiris. I want to spend days in the sun at the pool with my family, grilling out and enjoying the company and food and not spending the time preoccupied in my mind catching up on sleep I didn’t get the night before. And I feel like really, this is all my fault. I don’t do these things. Hell, I tried to quit smoking and it lasted 60 hours, then I text my mom telling her I was going to slit my wrist or commit suicide because the desire to injure myself was obnoxious. All this over nicotine? I literally CRIED for almost 24 hours over a cigarette….it had been YEARS since I cried myself to sleep!

Change is hard for anyone. Change for someone with my mind is epically impossible, or so it seems, but it IS DOWNRIGHT a matter of me changing my routines and habits. I mean if I think about it, I am going to die, we all are, regardless of how we live and what we do. As soon as you’re born, you can guarantee you’re going to die, at some point. I am not the typical EAT EGG WHITE SCRAMBLED WITH SPINACH AND TOFU NUGGETS OR DIE…but I need to get away from EAT GRASSFED BEEF AND YOUR VEGETABLES MUST HAVE BUTTER AND GOD FORBID YOU DON’T EAT 2G/PROTEIN PER POUND OF LBM(or some other obnoxious amount) A DAY AND LIFT HEAVY SHIT 3 X A WEEK AND DO NOT TOUCH CORN/BEANS AND IF YOU EAT FRUIT IT IS IMMEDIATELY BEING TURNED INTO FAT BECAUSE ALL THINGS FRUCTOSE WILL KILL YOU AND ALL THINGS OMEGA 6 KEEL YOU OVER 6 FEET UNDER.

There needs to be balance… I need to find it. No one can find it but me. I idolize 2 bloggers. One is Heather @ Heather Eats Almond Butter. She probably hasn’t the slightest clue who I am, because I do not comment on her blog, but her way of living and the reflection of happiness form her blog, and soon to be 3 kids(congrats if you see this!)…it is the epitome of awesome to me. I envy her. The other is Eden @ Eden Eats Everything. She’s fucking hilarious…I lol everytime I read her blog. Our minds think alike…well maybe not. I am convinced I am the female version of Dexter…a MUST watch show for anyone with a mucked up mind. If I ever remembered to type out the funny shit that boggles my mind I could make people piss their pants. I run into some downright bizarre shit here in the south.

I need to stop obsessing about health and nutrition and seeing so onewaystreet in my thoughts about food and do some more life enjoyment…

Mardis Gras season approaching and starting should be a good place. I want to decorate my 1900 antique-20ft ceiling-rip-off-rental house for mardis gras season…and I have hardcore Baptist/Christian roommates. Baha, should be interesting. One lady at work informs me of my bloodsucking worshipping every mardis gras season…

What to give up for the 40 days and 40 nights…maybe ‘giving a fuck’ is a good place for me to start !

It is About Correct Restriction & Control Friday, Jul 15 2011 

 

The more I read, the more I read….the more everything will always make sense, connect, interconnect and then make no sense whatsoever. I love that. This is the exact reason I find myself often getting lost in studying the human brain in relation to our bodies- nobody will ever be able to dissect it. You can’t find the meaning of all the bodies abilities nor its faults and disorders. It is crazy, intriguing and soooo so interesting. But for this post, I have been pondering binge eating and recovery in general. I have one conclusion so far…people, and especially doctors/clinics/dieticians/nutritionists and any ‘unsufferer’ will approach recovery with straight up delusion:

de-lu-sion [dih-loo-zhuhn] Noun.  1. An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality, typically a symptom of mental disorder.

There are people, then there are those with eating disorders. There are healthy brains, and then there are miswired brains. Note, these are not unhealthy brains, they are just different from the evolutionarily accepted ‘normal’ brain. You’re different. You always will be. Accept that. No recovery is going to cure or fix your miswired brain just like the guy born with one arm will never have both. Oh well… now, whatta we do about that? Well, your run-of-the-mill doctor is going to tell you in recovery ‘every food is good in moderation.’ Right, try telling that to someone who is well over 50% below their body weight/fat set-point. No, and bash me now, but every ‘food’ is not okay in moderation and MANY foods are harmful in recovery in any moderation. (Disclaimer: This is my opinion, I am not a doctor just a successful recoveree.)

Systematically, food, and the result your body/brain take on food (expenditure) is so complex it’s almost worth not even worth considering. There are a billion neural systems activated but biologically the main factor lies in maintenance of an adequate supply of nutrients which will result in energy balance- homeostasis, ahhhh. Now, intertwined in this there are hormonal regulations, ingestion, storage, allergies, and BRAIN firing- plus the three million other problems and side effects which happen when you restimulate the body of a malnourished individual. Fact is, the second that you think about food, smell food, prepare food there is a huge generation of behavioral, autonomic, and endocrine output. Your hypothalamus plays a crucial role in this(which is why I blab so much about a deregulated HPA in eating disorders), and in the homeostatic function in your body. This comes from previous experience with food, prior food thoughts and prior food relations/habits/rituals. It even goes as far back as your childhood diet and actions regarding food way back when. Just the smell of food will send firing from your brain to your body regarding reward, emotions and the social context of the moment as well as past occurrences. ANY, read this again….ANY pathological malfunction or lack of adaptation in the brain’s relationship with food will cause problems. These problems are not always eating disorders but are usually food/health related. Some people are born with pathological obesity. Some will get diabetes, heart disease, cancer soooooooooo much more. But for now, you see how complex this all is.

Note I mentioned all food is not fair game in recovery. I really, truly believe in finding a manageable homeostasis via REAL food (see Free the Animal, Mark’s Daily Apple, Robb Wolf, Archevore, HuntGatherLove, Whole Health Source…most of my blogroll for real food). No packages, no bags, fresh whole real food. Trust me, when you put steak and eggs on ‘no limit to consumption’ category you find out real quick how self limiting the food is. Same goes with foods even of the sweet essence which is a main trigger for eating disordered individuals. Baking three rows of sweet potatoes and allowing yourself free access to 5 pounds of PLAIN potatoes is self limiting. Same goes for plain fruit.You fill up real quick. The reward for your recovery here is your LOSS of interest in food. This loss of interest takes food-on-the-mind-always-looking-for-next-meal to how your body feels when you eat, how you digest food, what food you handle well, and how your blood sugar reacts to food. Seriously, stuff yourself silly on sweet potatoes, cooked plain with nothing added and you realize how sucky and uncomfortably full you are- even try it with rice. Bloated, and uninterested in food. Try it with steak…same result.

 

Real food is self limiting; it releases your fear IF YOU ALLOW IT of uncontrollable binging. I try not to write a lot about binging because I am no expert but if I saw something like oreos, chocolate cake, or the ever promoted ‘health food’ like fat free yogurt, cereal and oatmeal, chex mix, fiber one bars, protein powder, fat free peanut butter powder as ‘food’ then, therein my brain would have a huge problem. Namely, that stuff isn’t food. I don’t associate food that is not food as such. When I see a box of oreos I think…WTF is that. Really… that’s gross someone puts it in their bodies to me. Orthorexic? Again not in my opinion, oreos are not and will never be meant for human consumption- please, I will pee my pants if you try and convince me they are. Same goes for dairy products which have been pasteurized and have the fat removed from them (can we say processed!!).

not food...

Red Snapper, FOOD 🙂

But, like all things the ‘cure’ is not all in the diet. You can eat immense amounts of self limiting food but until you tackle the emotions and behavioral attachments, you’re still stuck. Researching addiction you find that it’s about brain chemistry. Neural psychology studies the way the brain wires itself and how it makes us behave the way we do.  But, like I mentioned earlier there is no forever cure. You don’t just change your brain chemistry because you eat real food. If you don’t get to the root of your problems in your thought process and resonate with why you do what you do, then you’re going to be stuck with the same emotional s*it but in a healthier body.

The first two steps, after ACCEPTANCE in recovery lie in eating REAL food and maintaining real nourishment. But an even bigger personal step totally unrelated to weight and recovery is learning to verbalize why we do what we do and why we seem to have so little control over certain behaviors(like binging and constant food preoccupation). Anyone who has starved themselves into a catecholamine high or anyone who has caught themselves in an unreal situation post binging on 923456234 calories knows that once you start it is HARD AS ALL LIVING HELL to stop. This, on both sides of the see-saw is all in your brain.

Catecholamines are “fight-or-flight” hormones released by the adrenal glands in response to stress.[1] They are part of the sympathetic nervous system.They are called catecholamines because they contain a catechol or 3,4-dihydroxyphenyl group. They are derived from the amino acid tyrosine.[2]In the human body, the most abundant catecholamines are epinephrine (adrenaline), norepinephrine (noradrenaline) and dopamine, all of which are produced from phenylalanine and tyrosine. Various stimulant drugs are catecholamine analogs.

So why do we go to extremes? Why do we starve or why do we feel an uncontrollable love-hate urge to stuff a box of oreos in a gallon of cake icing and go to town? This unearth feeling of losing all control makes you stop thinking rationally and you do all kinds of stuff, most notably all the bad behavior you’re trying to fix. SO instead of spending endless hours and sleepless nights trying to figure out why you starve or why you binge you just need to accept that your brain chemistry is abnormal and that’s life. You need to learn to manage it with food- reeeeeeal food.  The reason could come from a variety of shit that happened in THE PAST, but guess what, RIGHT NOW in this moment and in your recovery you need to realize that at some point along the way your brain chemistry CHANGED, and that change brought your new wiring, a new you. Regardless of whether you got raped, whether you were a fat kid or whether you faced immensely damaging trauma… the reason for your problem now is because at some point you rewired your brain such that binging or starving sets off some kind of reward. End of story, you can’t argue that.

For the binger, take a minute to realize that if you lost interest in high fat, high sugar food before it was consumed you wouldn’t have the fat stores to reproduce and you wouldn’t be in a predicament to begin with. But your brain has been rewired so this is the case You were born with a brain that expects to get real food, and take the real nutrition from it and use it accordingly. Problem is, in the current age we suffer through we are constantly bombarded by extremely tasty food and it is super cheap and always available with very, very little effort. HYPERPALITABOLIY RUNS OUR LIVES. From feeling overly intense emotions to having overly stimulating food around at all hours everyday it’s damn near impossible to learn normal. And all this junk food, fake food and processed food has got everything combined together…salt, sugar, fake fat, plus a bolus of added flavor enhancers (MSG anyone??) and artificial goodness (modified food starch, splenda). From a very good read, I recommend to everyone at GNOLLS:

Characteristics Of Successful Snack Food(aka…addictive food)

If you were to design a profitable and successful snack food, you’d want it to have several characteristics: http://www.gnolls.org/2074/why-snack-food-is-addictive-the-grand-unified-theory-of-snack-appeal/

  • It would be made of cheap ingredients, allowing a high profit margin.
    Since our government heavily subsidizes industrial grain production, you’d make them of grains and grain products…corn, wheat, and soy. Mostly corn, because it’s so heavily overproduced that we’re forced, by law, to feed it to our cars!
  • It would be shelf-stable and require no preparation, so that it could be kept without refrigeration, taken anywhere, and eaten at any time.
    Therefore, you’d make it out of highly-processed ingredients that are shelf-stable, pump it full of preservatives so that it could survive for months in a vending machine, and enclose it in lots of disposable packaging so it wouldn’t get damaged in transit.
  • It would concentrate the tastes we’ve evolved to enjoy far beyond their natural amounts, and as much as our technology allows.
    This would be the supernormal stimuli of fatty, salty, umami, and sweet: MSG, crystalline sugar, seed oils, fruit juices, “natural and artificial flavors”.
  • Finally, it would not be satiating.
    No matter how much you ate, you would never be satisfied.

 

Every time you allow yourself to partake in a meal of unreal food the malfunctioning neural circuits which we have accepted do not work correctly are strengthened- like a cocaine addict who takes just one more hit. Now you are left completely at a loss when trying to figure out why you do what you do you and resort to assuming helplessness. The only blame is the part of your brain that aint working but you needed to have accepted it. Most of ‘our’ minds operate purely on impulse so doing something like saying I WILL NEVER BIINGE OR STARVE AGAIN probably won’t get you too far. Same with self blame and self hate- reaction to impulse.

  • Our brains are going to have f8cked up neural circuits and they are going to fire, you just have to engage other circuits to weaken them (eat real food, plain). You can’t reinforce them 24/7
  • Don’t do stupid things. If you binige, you’re going to eat all the oreos if you buy them. Don’t go browsing the junk food isle at the gas station, don’t drool over a vending machine and do your best to turn the channel when the new brownie cereal commercial comes on.

Seriously, many people will waste their entire lives suffering because they would rather die, lose a foot; lose their vision than give up _______. Stop being a baby, use your noggin and accept it. Food while healing is medication. Some is off limits- A LOT IS NOT.

Hormones: most binge eaters want to binge after a ‘normal meal’. Read up on hypoglycemia and how to manage it with a lower carbohydrate lifestyle. Eating sugary, starchy crap in the context of suffering hypoglycemia is going to whack out your blood glucose and insulin around and make you hungry and further increase your cravings. It’s a cycle…

A smart man once said this:

“We must realize, however, that all living cells are continuously subject to imperfect nutrition and that overt mental disease is known to result from malnutrition, as, for example, in pellagra. In the light of these considerations, we would be foolhardy indeed to take for granted that the nutrition of the brain cells is automatically satisfactory in those who are afflicted or threatened with mild or severe mental disease.” -Dr. Roger J, Williams, writing in Nutrition Against Disease.

In the book, Nutrition Against Disease, author Dr. Roger J, Williams points out that like all other living cells, brain cells often receive less than perfect nutrition. He goes on to observe that brain cells get nutrition from blood, which in turn gets its nutrients from the food we eat each day.At first, it takes a while to get past that and let your body readjust to a new way. Psychologically, your brain may want to get that rush back, even at the expense of feeling bad later. It’s the same reason why people like to smoke. They cultivate an addiction and then enjoy the pleasure of satiating that addiction. So you need to deal with:

Stress.

Anger.

Depression.

Anxiety.

Boredom.

Futility.

Filling a void.

Making up for previous deprivation in life.

Fear of deprivation.

Fear of change.

Nostalgia.

Denial.

Obsession.

Loathing.

Hyper self-criticism.

It has to do with healthfulness, and mindfulness, and gratitude, and forgiveness.  It has to do with having a free mind, and using food to fuel that beautiful, free (yet oddly functioning) mind.

To geek out on you, in relation to your brain, an unidentified woo I admire quoted this: Low dopaminergic tone is one critical pathophysiological process in obesity.Dopamine is a major metabolic regulator. A key feature of garden variety obesity, as well as hibernation, is a functional downregulation of dopamine receptors. Dopamine binding completely orients cell-level metabolism around in favor of glucose metabolism. This prevents hyperinsulinemia. Peripheral dopamine binding suppresses insulin production from the pancreas, preventing hypoglycemia after eating, and prenting lipogenesis. When dopamine is blocked, or when dopamine receptors are functionally downregulated during obesity (glucose excess results in the downregulation), the cells shift to a preference for fat metabolism, which paradoxically induces glucose intolerance and hyperinsulinemia and fat gain. Low dopamine also reduces psychomotor activity (energy-sparing) and promotes sleepiness/inattentiveness, another common complaint in obesity as well as in hibernation. One thing neither talked about is the most satifying foods are fats. Only carbs have a special neuropeptide that modulates the hypothalamic tracts. That directly modulates the median forebrain bundle……Carbs…..not fat of protein. Behavior is a result of what the brain is perceiving(aka the reaction to unreal food).

Emily Deans of Evolutionary Psychology says : Even if we assume there is no specific “brain disorder” that causes binging, it seems clear to me that most binge eaters have at least a conditioned psychological aversion to food. This is why they binge. They try to restrict or moderate their intake during the day only to gorge on it later in a binge. Even if we assume there is no neurobiology causing binging the way there is causing heroin use, we can’t argue or deny that there is a clear cut psychological food aversion found in binge eaters. They love and they hate food.

 

‘Liking’ a food does not make you necessarily ‘want’ a food, and it is the ‘wanting’ of foods that typifies the chronic overeating that leads to obesity- acceptance my friends. I think the similarity between the hyperpalatable industrial food and the hard drugs is that they are all (somewhat metaphorically) poisons, but we take the dose anyway, and need bigger and bigger amounts.

Some helpful hints…drop caffeine, get good sleep, go outside, drop ANY lowfat product from your diet and the most obvious eat food naturally available prior to the agricultural and industrial revolution. This is the easiest way to deflame your massively inflamed brain.

As Sophia at Burp and Slurp recently said: “Let me tell you something about bingeing and purging: there are few experiences as maniacal and hedonistic as it. It’s a mad, jagged jumble of ecstasy, anxiety and self-hatred as you stuff food after food into your mouth. You’re scared to death and at the same time craving it all. You abhor your “greed” and lack of control, yet you “reward” yourself with uninhibited indulgence. You’re feeling exhilarated by the action of the feast, yet unable to enjoy the taste and pleasure of satiety because you are stuffing yourself so frantically, gulping down the food just for the sake of sensory. You feel like you can eat and eat and still gain no satisfaction, yet your stomach is swelling painfully and the sharp pains in your abdomen feels like it’s a sack bulging with shards of pointy rocks.”

That Day… Monday, Jun 27 2011 

Where you get your ass back in gear, clear your mind, meditate and get on with life…

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PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES

GROW UP

PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE

AND KEEP GOING…

 

 

I

WANT

MY

FERTILITY

Motivation Thursday, May 26 2011 

Going through life you set goals, you work hard and then you hope to reap what you sow, RIGHT? We are bred from childhood to distinguish between failure and success, between achieving and failing and some of us(actually very few in my opinion) ever learn what real hard work is. Be is physical or mental, VERY few people actually do work really hard for something they want.

What if recovery is going a bit slower than what you had hoped for? You tend to it, you think about it, and you overly nurture it holding on to ‘that’- whatever that is which makes you so damned different and disordered. Everyone has something to them, but those in recovery have ‘that’ and people can smell it from 100 miles away. Its mental, it is in your walk, it is in your talk, it is in your ability to say yes or no, to stick your nose up or go along with the ride. It is in your every move and detail of you life. You got it, and other people really truly think its fucked up…your different. Recovery involves mending this garden and getting rid of the weeds holding you back. How do you just stop, just change? How do you just go with it, the flow of life? Why the fuck cant you just be normal? These are thoughts and questions I have asked myself in the past, and aspects I still occasionally dwell on.

But the main goal and ability picked up by many in recovery is that patience is a virtue, you can’t force anything to happen and if you’re trying to, then stop it…let it go. There are sparks and highlights in recovery here and there; times when you’re damned proud of yourself, times when you should be a Mexican jumping bean of enthusiasm but you’re not, and times where you want and need the company of others but times where you need to be with yourself and learn to trust and accept that person.

People know your potential, don’t give anything less and don’t expect others to ‘settle’ with a lesser than adequate person. Give people your all, but give recovery your every ounce of energy because in the end, your own ability to maintain happiness is all that counts. When you find that passion you and everyone is born with, you can run with it, and be able to do whatever you want.

Take each day one at a time without goals and without standards, without plans, and without the ED mind in your presence. Eventually you look at a day with things to do, people to socialize with, feelings and aspects of real life, your ED is left behind because there is more to you now. Lose the selfishness and you lose the disease, one day after the other and just as beautiful as the last.

Can’t put your finger on it? Cant figure out HOW to get rid of the ED ora you travel everywhere with. Well, first thing is first, if you look like your starving, your brain is whacked out and you suffer some horrendous malnutrition. Either take it upon yourself to eat the fucking food, don’t worry about its tastes or textures and I would actually recommend you stick to bland foods. You need to lose the obsession you have with food, and plain fatty meat and potatoes is an easy route. Make a shit load, and eat it. It will already be cooked and ready. This takes the thinking about food away. It doesn’t matter WTF you think or count up, you’re gonna eat the same damned bland yet nutritious food(potato, sweet potato, ground beef, liver, chuck, pork butt, whole fishes, eggs etc) until your mind has had enough. You WILL lose the overly active reward mechanism in your brain- or at least repair it. So don’t go overly seasoning ANYTHING, if anything, just some sea salt on your food(NOT THE WHOLE THING coated and then dipped in salt). Get rid of the sauces, condiments and things you bank on your flavor because it isn’t helping slow down your mind. KISS

Patience is what seems to be bountifully on your side in recovery. It takes forever, yes. But guess what, actively(this means making progress by the way, actual results…GET SOME) acting upon yourself and your recovery is everything youll ever need. Learn to appreciate and be proud of the fruits of your labor(mostly mental). Sit with yourself ans you learn to accept that pride and achievement. You need to take pride in everything that has come to be. But for most and myself included, it seems like you just can’t quite get the routine right. This point is crucial. No matter what, don’t give up on it. EVERY ONE has their time, their pace and their patience! THE POINT, is staying active. Don’t expect results if youre not changing. Don’t expect to be less than obsessed with food if your choking down artificial sweeteners and bottle dips on everything, or better yet is your using a whole seasoning cabinet on everything you do eat. Those do not give results. Those feed addiction, and this feeds an eating disorder. Don’t try and think up the best combo of food just because you know you have to eat. No, lose the obsession, lose the flavor enhancement, lose the ‘it’ you carry around with you. If you are constantly improving and fine tuning your work, keep going! Recovery lies in seeing changes, not thinking about them, having results, not planning for them.

Step back and see what you can improve on….but then do actually DO IT. Like they say doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity. Don’t throw in the towel, but make changes. You have to. Your doomed if you don’t.
what do you do to keep going forward, to not give up? Ultimately you can’t expect someone to just go recover and change their every move and expect to gain something in life. That would be expecting them to change who they are. There is nothing you can do about right now, like it or hate it. You cant make anyone understand or make someone else change who they are. The world will not change to cater to you. Nothing you can do about that either. Don’t lose that spark for a passion, get worn out and discouraged by too much rejection, or just not getting far enough no matter how much the re-haul or effort put in. keep at it. Make active changes. Make changes that are seeable. Make changes you can appreciate and changes others can see, talk about, enjoy.accomplishing a goal is one thing, like tackling a fear food, but grabbing the world and attacking a fear food IS recovery. Everyone can enjoy it, share it, and be part of it. THIS forces the mental obsession away. THIS is what, over time and repeated, will bring results.

You get back whatever you put out, so don’t think about what you don’t have or what you didn’t get. Perhaps learning to let go of that want will be the best thing to do. To be satisfied with what you have, and anything else is just ____. Do not let something out of nowhere erase your self confidence and drive for recovery. Don’t let someone dampen your spirits or harp on something you do(given it is a good thing)

“Never think that God’s delays are God’s denials. Hold; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.”
– Georges-Louis Leclerc

Post Lent Showdown! Wednesday, Apr 27 2011 

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Still alive guys! I am thinking of starting a new blog just about my everyday life (and the amount of weirdos I run into day to day) but then I remembered I cant even keep this on running updated soooooo we will see.

Anyways for lent I gave up taking photos of myself, and I gave up dairy. 40 DAYS WITH NO DAIRY PRODUCT WHATSOEVER. I thought the first couple of days I was going to die because I missed the dense saltiness. But, I learned a few things. Like how to eat real food and use it to your liking. Just a few foods I have been inhaling the past 40+days:

*Okinawan Potatoes…everyone in the world needs to try these

*Weird potatoes form the Asian store(I don’t know their names!)

*Sweet taters

*Taro

*Coconut oil & flakes

*Acorn Squash(as a dessert with butter & cinnamon)

*Eggs(especially scrambled in pork fat)

*beef shank

*oxtail

*pork belly

*dandelion greens

*steak/chicken/pork steak- the usual cuz something is always on sale

*homemade sausage(spiked with fennel yum)

*beef jelllllooooooo(stock)

*clams/WHOLE roasted fishes/shrimp/crab

*typical canned sardines/salmon

*tried beets(ehh…ok)

Trying some different sauces…tomato and mustard and stock and learning to use spices and fresh herbs so send recipes my way if you got em! Having no meat on Fridays was actually fun and I might keep it up. Gives me more reason to roast whole fishes!!!!!!!

If you can tell I totally got over any lingering fear of starch and carbohydrates. Gonna add in rice sometime and see how I handle it. Still totally primal(even more so sans dairy) because I think it’s right for me, you do what works for you as always J I don’t know if I will add back dairy because my digestion is superb. I credit it to all the bone marrow in the shanks, knowing on oxtails, and yummy fermented vegetables. Actually, I don’t know I would classify myself as ANYTHING, as a good, smart man said in this post _Archevore_ it is all about finding what modern day offers us to be healthy and what it doesn’t.

Basically I am a happy and not worried about much. Fertility is on my mind, but I have accepted what will happen will happen. I think that’s the most sane and rational thing someone in my position can do.

By the way, a year ago this time I was starting to try chin ups. I couldn’t even do ONE. Then I worked up with negatives, jumping up to the chin up and slowly lowering. Then I attempted chin ups until I could do one….NOW I CAN DO 3 SETS OF 12….Get On My Level!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Bathing suit season! Thursday, Mar 24 2011 

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Life Eats Life Thursday, Feb 24 2011 

When I advocate for a person suffering from an eating disorder to ACCEPT recovery what I mean to imply is this:

To commit. This means
to remove your head as the barrier
to your life

Life feeds on life. I read that somewhere so let us reflect on it. If there is a reason for our existence, which I believe there is and if there is no afterlife, then absolutely nothing matters – nothing! Eat meat, don’t eat meat. I surely don’t care, but WHATEVER you chose to do, just realize that it really does not matter. You can take that as a depressing thought or you can take it as the most empowering concept in life you will ever acquire- do whatever you please. Because as far as my life, your existence is concerned; at the moment we die, there will be nothing but void for each of us. Eternal unconscious nothingness (if I can make that a word).

Everyone’s life happens in the “blink-of-an-eye” . Our existence on earth is so incredibly fast, rapid and irrelevant in the infinite existence of whatever is beyond space, the stars/galaxy/universe. There is zero relevance. I take this as empowering. So if this life is all I get I sure as hell and going to MILK IT FOR ALL IT’S WORTH, and so should you.

Life eats life. Another piece of information I have read before. But guess what, this changes the fact that life feeds on life because there is no way of surviving on earth and in this world without eating other life forms. A very compelling and truthful observation.

If you understand, you HAVE to agree and accept this fact and being conscious of the suffering that we must inflict on others in order to live. Again, take that as a depressing observation or take it and become empowered. Such a statement should lead you to pursue decisions, which will enlighten yourself and others, which in turn will cause less suffering. Doing this causes you less stress and puts you in a great position in life- in both mind and body. It doesn’t matter what the hell your ‘opinion’ is, this is fact. You don’t need to make decisions to feel better, you make decisions(or you should) because you understand life eats life, and life feeds life. Truth.

You can aim to discover, find and understand everything. You can read every medical book, spend pointless hours learning every diet and exercise program out there, count every miniscule POINTLESS calorie or gram of sugar (or OMG FRUCTOSE…joke). You’ll be on the edge of your seat encompassed by nothingness while swearing you’re one-step away from finding ‘the truth.’

Everyone lives this pursuit in the life trying to find the truth, reading others experiences, ideas, opinions and juicing them for what they’re worth. This is what I conjectured after reading one of Berkhan’s post which reflects on getting a life. I realized I was stuck in this desire to find the perfect answer to recovery, to eating, to functioning my body and mind.  I really thought I would get it eventually, I would know exactly how to cure eating disorders and be able to advocate a 10-step plan for recovery. It was seriously all right in front of my face. Some of the most obvious realizations in life are always staring at you, right under your nose.

I figured when I started this blog, that I had the will power, ability, and control to discover and answer some of the most profound questions on eating disorders and save the world. It became apparent, that as soon as I felt like I had a grasp on it all; it was right there within my reach…it slipped away and was gone. I realized it is not a question I can answer or a destination I can prescribe.

I got slightly pissed off, yes. I reflected on it. I vented and raged about it. I analyzed it. I was furious. I was bombarded with even more questions every time I tried to figure it out. When you do this, this questioning of yourself and life or decisions, it becomes an endless cycle of nothing. Your left with even more questions, more stress and incredible anxiety.  I read; I thought. I found some people who vaguely understand what I am getting at. I found some understanding that many people feel like this. But still, I swore someone else somewhere had my answer and truth. Something I found via all this reading would ensure I would find the ‘cure.’ But that is not possible. Crazy, because the rant which pursued in my mind could have sworn I was going to read the truth and it would ‘click.’

When you read a vegan site, it is enthusiastic and empowering. When you read a carnivorous site you swear you’ll be ‘smarter’ by solely living on meat. When you skim through raw foodism, you swear throwing green stuff and nuts in a blender will make life perfect. Most advocates like this DO admittingly have a miniscule idea of how to find their own inner peace. But THEIR truth is not my truth, nor is it your truth. Basically, this is the reason I hate recovery blogs and food blogs by the way. These people who have figured things out for themselves will always appear keen on convincing you of their ways and that their answer just has to be your answer too.

The dietary arguments are an obnoxious and ridiculous as the religious arguments. It’s like the Afghanistan war on terrorism vs. the retarded-too-much-time-on-our-hands-society of dietary critics we live around. Ask a few people about how to seek the truth in life and listen. Some will undoubtedly follow God (and try and convert you) and some will tell you, you need to devote X hours a week to poor people or assisting others. Everyone has their own idea, their own settled inner peace because they understand what will work for them. You find people in life with a ‘I just don’t give a fuck attitude.’ These people are the ones who bake a cake and eat it too. They go to the bar and will do that double round of tequila, because who the fuck cares if their clothes end up on the floor 2 hours from now. Life is about RIGHT now for them, let’s do it, taste it, travel it and have fun. Others are more calm and collected, and even overly collected in my opinion. These people are ungodly religious (no pun haaa) Their life is hell-bent on living for someone else, namely their God, sitting in the pew at church confessing every Goddamn sin in hopes of someone or something else accepting them. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in God, but I believe in  God as a moral landmark in the confidence that there is something beyond life that is unanswerable and worth living for. There is something about religion that makes people feel the need to convince everyone whom crosses their path to be converted or saved, as if this pursuance will leave peace with them. Really, I find this to be a personal problem and lack in an individual to understand the eternal struggle.

When you are stuck in ED denial truth exists only as beliefs. This is true of everything in life; it is true as long as you accept it is true. When you believe it, then it is true for you. But that does not mean you do your homework and understand your down falls and change your mind. THAT is allowed. You can change your thinking whenever you want. You can change your opinion; no one is holding you back. You can spend the rest of your life reading about other people’s recoveries searching for the truth because somewhere down in you is this aching desire to understand. You swear till the day you die there is answer…but stop, and think. What the hell are you looking for? What answer are you going to continue to struggle to find? There isn’t one. The only answer possible of finding has nothing to do with health, nutrition or weight, let alone food. It only has to do with YOU. This is so frustrating to people because they are so desperately seeking the answers to their problems. But, the problem IS you. There isn’t anything you need to hear or find out or even understand. Just know that the truth can only be understood and accomplished when you learn what works for you in life. The only belief you need to stand by is the BELIEF IN YOURSELF.

I hope this post has provided you somewhat with questions for yourself. I can’t riddle you the answer to recovery because I don’t have it, nor am I actively seeking it anymore because there is not an answer. There is no magical Buddha quote that will make me realize what exactly recovery is. Such actions only create riddles. If Buddha helps you understand you need to find the truth WITHIN yourself, then read away. A lot of his stuff makes sense or at least gets you thinking down the right track. I can at most provide the blog world with encouragement, determination and proof of change and skills. You are given the opportunity to make a purpose and meaning in your life. I do hope once it clicks for you, you will know where to look, you will know what you need to do and how to do it. When it clicks, life is totally up to you. There is no answer seeking because everything…eeeeeverything about life and you is constantly changing and evolving. There are no rules to recovery and no advice I have no already provided that will help you.

Did you ever think it is not just eating disordered sufferers who have inner voices? EVERYONE has an inner voice unless there is a stick so far up your ass that you assume it means you’re crazy. But every average Joe has an inner self and voice. Whether you believe it or acknowledge it remains up to you. The truth is full of emotions, intuition, and desire for knowledge and answers. When you feel extremely shitty in recovery, bloated, fat, full whatever, that’s your inner voice. To be yourself you need to find a way to deviate from this over walked path.

You need to be untraditional. Look at the big time successful people in life, they in no way took a traditional route to get there. When you understand you are blindly following a path of recovery laid out by someone else, or you are trying to mock the recovery or another…you’ve failed. You need to listen to your inner voice because it will always speak the truth and when you learn to listen, the answers will be provided. It won’t be what you want, it won’t be perfect, it won’t be set in stone, but you will find YOUR TRUTH.

Next Post…getting into meditation and answering the ever common ‘Who are you?’

Not Much Wednesday, Feb 16 2011 

But a video, no time for anything but a quick video. Process of moving, working, living 🙂 I do have a post in the works on meditation.

 

 

 

READ THIS BOOK Thursday, Feb 10 2011 

 

http://www.jamesgreenblattmd.com/jgreenblatt-books.htm

OVERVIEW:

Answers to Anorexia offers patients and families new hope for the successful treatment of this serious, frustrating, and enigmatic illness. It proposes the first new treatment plan for anorexia in fifty years.

Anorexia is a medical illness of starvation that causes malnutrition in the body and the brain. This self-starvation disease affects approximately 1-5% of young women in the U.S., (and is increasingly common among middle-aged women as well as men).

While psychiatry treats major psychiatric illness with medications – not one drug is FDA-approved to treat anorexia!  Antidepressants are commonly prescribed, but have been proven ineffective for treating anorexia. Answers to Anorexia addresses the challenge of successful treatment by providing an integrative medicine approach to this devastating illness.

Answers to Anorexia offers readers highly accessible information that may be helpful as either self-help or as an adjunct to professional treatment. It provides a holistic treatment plan involving an integrative medicine approach for men and women with anorexia. The treatment plan centers on restorative nutrition and precise medication for the many symptoms and illnesses that often accompany this life-threatening disease such as depression and anxiety. To be successful, Dr. Greenblatt explains, treatment needs to correct the physical damage and brain dysfunction of malnutrition.

Answers to Anorexia also walks readers though the latest research on brain function and nutrition, and equips them to make informed decisions about treatment planning, appropriate nutritional supplements, and the use of a new brain test – referenced electroencephalogram (rEEG). rEEG provides a neurophysiologically based treatment for predicting and customizing medications for eating disorder patients—medications that can effectively relieve many illnesses that co-occur with the disordered eating such as depression and obsessive ruminations. This revolutionary, yet simple, brain test enables psychiatrists to improve upon the traditional trial-and-error approach to medication selection.

AND READ HIS BLOG:

http://jamesgreenblattmd.com/blog/

This guy seems to ‘get it’ like I ‘get it.’ The problem is nutrition, and the answer is nutrition…..REAL FOOD NUTRITION. The rest falls into place when you fix malnourishment, there is NO question about this. Read the book, I plan to when i get money to buy it and do a full review on it(via blog post) and I wish he did a seminar near me because I would totally attend.

Anyways, won’t be blogging to much for a bit, I am in to process of moving out of my current rental house and into an apartment with 4 girls…BIG CHANGE as I am use to living with guys because I am not a ‘girly girl’ nor do I enjoy ‘girl talk’ but whatever…take life as it is thrown at you! I am incredibly short on money(in debt) and this is affordable sort of.

As usual, eat real food always when your hungry. Get good sleep and sunshine and FIND A HOBBY.

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