And Then There was Mal… Wednesday, Feb 1 2012 

If anyone still reads my blog, just letting you know I am alive!! What have I been up to?

Well, I have no conquered the world…yet, but I did get a raise. Even better, I get to file my taxes soon and low and behold, I will get close-to-nothing back and probably owe the state, again, while everyone else around me continues buying Doritos, frozen egg rolls and cases of Coke with their food stamps. Oh, and they get free cell phones now too, 200 free minutes. If I could only not feel like I was going to hell for working the system I would do it…but low and behold, I have a conscience.

I am actually at this obnoxious-mind-consuming crossroad in my life. I am recovered from an eating disorder but still living in my head(more often than not), I have a full time job but not moving up anytime soon(no college degree), I have a new car but can barely rub a penny between my ass to make monthly payments on top of student loans, carrying full insurance, rent, bills, cell phone…oh right, and our shitty president is giving everyone free handouts but gas is $3.45/gallon. So I am living but not getting anywhere, eating but not understanding my body and what it actually would flourish on.

Ever read a bunch of foodie blogs of gorgeous chicks and their amazing creations and then think you’re doing everything wrong? I get especially frustrated(with myself) when I read of cardio bunny Gertrude(made up name hah picked one I doubt anyone has…damnit, now I know I just offended someone) eating green smoothies laced with crack-chia-vegemite-proteinpowder-chickpea-walnutbutter…and I ponder if this is real life, and people really put stuff like this together? Her PUFA content should have her dying approximately tomorrow with diabetes and NAFLD. And where’s her beef liver and eggs OMG she’s healthy happy and NOT paleo!??!

And she isn’t lifting 300 lbs 3 times a week heavy ass squatting ass to the ground and throwing herself at the ground only to jump back up and repeat it 100 times!??! Hell, even Beyonce can drink lemon spiked cayenne detox flush drinks and have a baby. I think my pissed off tone behind this is the fact that as I understand it, and as I comprehend it, none of this should be possible because spending 2934534 hours of my life reading about health and nutrition and reading study after study tells me, right there in arial font 12 point BOLD that all this is unhealthy, all of it will cause a fatty liver, diabetes, cancer wtf ever else you want to add to the list.

BUT, and there’s a but… damn if she doesn’t look healthy and damn if she doesn’t seem happy. Is there like this shadow of shit-on-me for someone who recovers from an eating disorder that says you will have lowgrade constant depression for eternity?? To me, it feels like there is. And for all I know it may be self loathing, why don’t I just snap out of it, why don’t I get out of my head, why don’t I ‘just get over it’. Trust me, if I could just do it(no pun) I would. “Oh Mallory, you look so much better, you must be eating well these days”… do not, like ever say this to anyone whether they once looked like an emancipated crack whore or they lived off a feeding tube for 6 months. It’s just stupid.

I am not loving my body, but I cant keep hating it because it seems to function worse when I do. I got some bloodwork showing I have damn near zero inflammation in my body and an almost undetectable c-reactive protein meaning there’s no bad stuff going on. Weeee so she’s healthy(with elevated iron, obviously, no rocket scientist is needed to figure out my meat gorging with no monthly bleeding is gonna lead to elevated iron…) but I surely still am not a socially-acceptable function as I should 26 year old woman. TWENTY-SIX-YEARS-OLD….and I am scared of becoming 30, 40 and still just ‘being her’ just living repeating the same shit day after day after day.

For what it’s worth, the life long consequences of this recovery stuff from something as severe as anorexia nervosa….they blow ass. On top of blowing ass myself usually post meal, my body will forever be in ‘famine mode’….7 years starving yourself and you didn’t die so now you have the rest of your existence to pack on weight with everything you eat, live with muckin-fucked up hormones and blood sugar problems, royally shitty sleeping patterns, and the all around inability to sit with yourself, let alone sit still.

So that I stop wallowing in my own self doubt and self pity I made a list of to do’s for 2012, I know one month late. It took a while for me to get out of my own head to decide what I want to change and a direction to ‘attempt’ to go in. why the hell is change so damned hard? Hardest will be getting away from the web. I swear I develop addictions easier than anyone in the world. I can literally have 50 browser web pages open because I get this rush of reading and information and overload. What the hell is that? I haven’t the slightest clue, but I love it.

Personal

*spend an entire day lying around

*spend an entire day in the kitchen baking(food I will eat)

*travel, randomly, unplanned…especially to New Orleans

*spend 24 hours outside…sun up to sun down

*find a new adrenaline rush(that isn’t mind numbing obsession)

*get more sleep

*master 3×15 chin ups (done, once)

*muscle-up

*take a mineral oil bath once a week with lotsa bubbles, then do girlie things like my nails and a facial

*find a place that is genuinely quiet, and listen

*meditate to the sun rising

*meditate to the sun setting

*run a 10k for a good cause

*go to church more

*get a gun, and be able to kill a m*therf*cker confidently

*volunteer at church

*pay more attention to what is going on in the world

*more spontaneity

*stay off the internet

*express myself instead of hide with a good act

Culinary

*learn to can food- pressure cooker

* master my cast iron dutch oven my momma got me

*master my bone broth

*master a rue(yes, that means flour)

*put together a recipe collage, at least get one started

*make a meal 100% from scratch- seed to ground to harvest to plate with only what I produce

*plant kabocha squash(b/c I am in love…) and pray it grows well here…DONE, just ordered seeds

*start a herb garden(basil….nom)

*find some local farmers for eggs and meat

*stick to eating local(or maybe not)

*go vegetarian for a week, just because I can

*get me some oysters more often, and master shuckin

*actually CATCH a crab on the coast

*use my fishing license

*make a meal based around a Hawaiian Potato(aka Okinawan)

*master roast beef(the seasoning rub)

Oh, and get to drinkin some mixed bevvvverages more often…

And here is how I see my future. No one down here really knows me, I don’t go out, I don’t have many friends outside the work place, yet for some reason I find it hard to hang out with my family as it seems to promote oddly acute amounts of anxiety. Based on that, it surely doesn’t matter whether I am 100lbs or whether I am 170lbs, no one knows me. There isn’t anything ‘to be expected’ so if for the life of me I can figure out how to ‘just be’ I just might have a chance at developing a personality outside health/nutrition before I die….maybe, just a slight possibility. Basically, I am sick of myself. I want a friend whom I can randomly show up at their house unannounced just because, I wanna bake some cookies, listen to music and pour some strawberry daiquiris. I want to spend days in the sun at the pool with my family, grilling out and enjoying the company and food and not spending the time preoccupied in my mind catching up on sleep I didn’t get the night before. And I feel like really, this is all my fault. I don’t do these things. Hell, I tried to quit smoking and it lasted 60 hours, then I text my mom telling her I was going to slit my wrist or commit suicide because the desire to injure myself was obnoxious. All this over nicotine? I literally CRIED for almost 24 hours over a cigarette….it had been YEARS since I cried myself to sleep!

Change is hard for anyone. Change for someone with my mind is epically impossible, or so it seems, but it IS DOWNRIGHT a matter of me changing my routines and habits. I mean if I think about it, I am going to die, we all are, regardless of how we live and what we do. As soon as you’re born, you can guarantee you’re going to die, at some point. I am not the typical EAT EGG WHITE SCRAMBLED WITH SPINACH AND TOFU NUGGETS OR DIE…but I need to get away from EAT GRASSFED BEEF AND YOUR VEGETABLES MUST HAVE BUTTER AND GOD FORBID YOU DON’T EAT 2G/PROTEIN PER POUND OF LBM(or some other obnoxious amount) A DAY AND LIFT HEAVY SHIT 3 X A WEEK AND DO NOT TOUCH CORN/BEANS AND IF YOU EAT FRUIT IT IS IMMEDIATELY BEING TURNED INTO FAT BECAUSE ALL THINGS FRUCTOSE WILL KILL YOU AND ALL THINGS OMEGA 6 KEEL YOU OVER 6 FEET UNDER.

There needs to be balance… I need to find it. No one can find it but me. I idolize 2 bloggers. One is Heather @ Heather Eats Almond Butter. She probably hasn’t the slightest clue who I am, because I do not comment on her blog, but her way of living and the reflection of happiness form her blog, and soon to be 3 kids(congrats if you see this!)…it is the epitome of awesome to me. I envy her. The other is Eden @ Eden Eats Everything. She’s fucking hilarious…I lol everytime I read her blog. Our minds think alike…well maybe not. I am convinced I am the female version of Dexter…a MUST watch show for anyone with a mucked up mind. If I ever remembered to type out the funny shit that boggles my mind I could make people piss their pants. I run into some downright bizarre shit here in the south.

I need to stop obsessing about health and nutrition and seeing so onewaystreet in my thoughts about food and do some more life enjoyment…

Mardis Gras season approaching and starting should be a good place. I want to decorate my 1900 antique-20ft ceiling-rip-off-rental house for mardis gras season…and I have hardcore Baptist/Christian roommates. Baha, should be interesting. One lady at work informs me of my bloodsucking worshipping every mardis gras season…

What to give up for the 40 days and 40 nights…maybe ‘giving a fuck’ is a good place for me to start !

It is About Correct Restriction & Control Friday, Jul 15 2011 

 

The more I read, the more I read….the more everything will always make sense, connect, interconnect and then make no sense whatsoever. I love that. This is the exact reason I find myself often getting lost in studying the human brain in relation to our bodies- nobody will ever be able to dissect it. You can’t find the meaning of all the bodies abilities nor its faults and disorders. It is crazy, intriguing and soooo so interesting. But for this post, I have been pondering binge eating and recovery in general. I have one conclusion so far…people, and especially doctors/clinics/dieticians/nutritionists and any ‘unsufferer’ will approach recovery with straight up delusion:

de-lu-sion [dih-loo-zhuhn] Noun.  1. An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality, typically a symptom of mental disorder.

There are people, then there are those with eating disorders. There are healthy brains, and then there are miswired brains. Note, these are not unhealthy brains, they are just different from the evolutionarily accepted ‘normal’ brain. You’re different. You always will be. Accept that. No recovery is going to cure or fix your miswired brain just like the guy born with one arm will never have both. Oh well… now, whatta we do about that? Well, your run-of-the-mill doctor is going to tell you in recovery ‘every food is good in moderation.’ Right, try telling that to someone who is well over 50% below their body weight/fat set-point. No, and bash me now, but every ‘food’ is not okay in moderation and MANY foods are harmful in recovery in any moderation. (Disclaimer: This is my opinion, I am not a doctor just a successful recoveree.)

Systematically, food, and the result your body/brain take on food (expenditure) is so complex it’s almost worth not even worth considering. There are a billion neural systems activated but biologically the main factor lies in maintenance of an adequate supply of nutrients which will result in energy balance- homeostasis, ahhhh. Now, intertwined in this there are hormonal regulations, ingestion, storage, allergies, and BRAIN firing- plus the three million other problems and side effects which happen when you restimulate the body of a malnourished individual. Fact is, the second that you think about food, smell food, prepare food there is a huge generation of behavioral, autonomic, and endocrine output. Your hypothalamus plays a crucial role in this(which is why I blab so much about a deregulated HPA in eating disorders), and in the homeostatic function in your body. This comes from previous experience with food, prior food thoughts and prior food relations/habits/rituals. It even goes as far back as your childhood diet and actions regarding food way back when. Just the smell of food will send firing from your brain to your body regarding reward, emotions and the social context of the moment as well as past occurrences. ANY, read this again….ANY pathological malfunction or lack of adaptation in the brain’s relationship with food will cause problems. These problems are not always eating disorders but are usually food/health related. Some people are born with pathological obesity. Some will get diabetes, heart disease, cancer soooooooooo much more. But for now, you see how complex this all is.

Note I mentioned all food is not fair game in recovery. I really, truly believe in finding a manageable homeostasis via REAL food (see Free the Animal, Mark’s Daily Apple, Robb Wolf, Archevore, HuntGatherLove, Whole Health Source…most of my blogroll for real food). No packages, no bags, fresh whole real food. Trust me, when you put steak and eggs on ‘no limit to consumption’ category you find out real quick how self limiting the food is. Same goes with foods even of the sweet essence which is a main trigger for eating disordered individuals. Baking three rows of sweet potatoes and allowing yourself free access to 5 pounds of PLAIN potatoes is self limiting. Same goes for plain fruit.You fill up real quick. The reward for your recovery here is your LOSS of interest in food. This loss of interest takes food-on-the-mind-always-looking-for-next-meal to how your body feels when you eat, how you digest food, what food you handle well, and how your blood sugar reacts to food. Seriously, stuff yourself silly on sweet potatoes, cooked plain with nothing added and you realize how sucky and uncomfortably full you are- even try it with rice. Bloated, and uninterested in food. Try it with steak…same result.

 

Real food is self limiting; it releases your fear IF YOU ALLOW IT of uncontrollable binging. I try not to write a lot about binging because I am no expert but if I saw something like oreos, chocolate cake, or the ever promoted ‘health food’ like fat free yogurt, cereal and oatmeal, chex mix, fiber one bars, protein powder, fat free peanut butter powder as ‘food’ then, therein my brain would have a huge problem. Namely, that stuff isn’t food. I don’t associate food that is not food as such. When I see a box of oreos I think…WTF is that. Really… that’s gross someone puts it in their bodies to me. Orthorexic? Again not in my opinion, oreos are not and will never be meant for human consumption- please, I will pee my pants if you try and convince me they are. Same goes for dairy products which have been pasteurized and have the fat removed from them (can we say processed!!).

not food...

Red Snapper, FOOD 🙂

But, like all things the ‘cure’ is not all in the diet. You can eat immense amounts of self limiting food but until you tackle the emotions and behavioral attachments, you’re still stuck. Researching addiction you find that it’s about brain chemistry. Neural psychology studies the way the brain wires itself and how it makes us behave the way we do.  But, like I mentioned earlier there is no forever cure. You don’t just change your brain chemistry because you eat real food. If you don’t get to the root of your problems in your thought process and resonate with why you do what you do, then you’re going to be stuck with the same emotional s*it but in a healthier body.

The first two steps, after ACCEPTANCE in recovery lie in eating REAL food and maintaining real nourishment. But an even bigger personal step totally unrelated to weight and recovery is learning to verbalize why we do what we do and why we seem to have so little control over certain behaviors(like binging and constant food preoccupation). Anyone who has starved themselves into a catecholamine high or anyone who has caught themselves in an unreal situation post binging on 923456234 calories knows that once you start it is HARD AS ALL LIVING HELL to stop. This, on both sides of the see-saw is all in your brain.

Catecholamines are “fight-or-flight” hormones released by the adrenal glands in response to stress.[1] They are part of the sympathetic nervous system.They are called catecholamines because they contain a catechol or 3,4-dihydroxyphenyl group. They are derived from the amino acid tyrosine.[2]In the human body, the most abundant catecholamines are epinephrine (adrenaline), norepinephrine (noradrenaline) and dopamine, all of which are produced from phenylalanine and tyrosine. Various stimulant drugs are catecholamine analogs.

So why do we go to extremes? Why do we starve or why do we feel an uncontrollable love-hate urge to stuff a box of oreos in a gallon of cake icing and go to town? This unearth feeling of losing all control makes you stop thinking rationally and you do all kinds of stuff, most notably all the bad behavior you’re trying to fix. SO instead of spending endless hours and sleepless nights trying to figure out why you starve or why you binge you just need to accept that your brain chemistry is abnormal and that’s life. You need to learn to manage it with food- reeeeeeal food.  The reason could come from a variety of shit that happened in THE PAST, but guess what, RIGHT NOW in this moment and in your recovery you need to realize that at some point along the way your brain chemistry CHANGED, and that change brought your new wiring, a new you. Regardless of whether you got raped, whether you were a fat kid or whether you faced immensely damaging trauma… the reason for your problem now is because at some point you rewired your brain such that binging or starving sets off some kind of reward. End of story, you can’t argue that.

For the binger, take a minute to realize that if you lost interest in high fat, high sugar food before it was consumed you wouldn’t have the fat stores to reproduce and you wouldn’t be in a predicament to begin with. But your brain has been rewired so this is the case You were born with a brain that expects to get real food, and take the real nutrition from it and use it accordingly. Problem is, in the current age we suffer through we are constantly bombarded by extremely tasty food and it is super cheap and always available with very, very little effort. HYPERPALITABOLIY RUNS OUR LIVES. From feeling overly intense emotions to having overly stimulating food around at all hours everyday it’s damn near impossible to learn normal. And all this junk food, fake food and processed food has got everything combined together…salt, sugar, fake fat, plus a bolus of added flavor enhancers (MSG anyone??) and artificial goodness (modified food starch, splenda). From a very good read, I recommend to everyone at GNOLLS:

Characteristics Of Successful Snack Food(aka…addictive food)

If you were to design a profitable and successful snack food, you’d want it to have several characteristics: http://www.gnolls.org/2074/why-snack-food-is-addictive-the-grand-unified-theory-of-snack-appeal/

  • It would be made of cheap ingredients, allowing a high profit margin.
    Since our government heavily subsidizes industrial grain production, you’d make them of grains and grain products…corn, wheat, and soy. Mostly corn, because it’s so heavily overproduced that we’re forced, by law, to feed it to our cars!
  • It would be shelf-stable and require no preparation, so that it could be kept without refrigeration, taken anywhere, and eaten at any time.
    Therefore, you’d make it out of highly-processed ingredients that are shelf-stable, pump it full of preservatives so that it could survive for months in a vending machine, and enclose it in lots of disposable packaging so it wouldn’t get damaged in transit.
  • It would concentrate the tastes we’ve evolved to enjoy far beyond their natural amounts, and as much as our technology allows.
    This would be the supernormal stimuli of fatty, salty, umami, and sweet: MSG, crystalline sugar, seed oils, fruit juices, “natural and artificial flavors”.
  • Finally, it would not be satiating.
    No matter how much you ate, you would never be satisfied.

 

Every time you allow yourself to partake in a meal of unreal food the malfunctioning neural circuits which we have accepted do not work correctly are strengthened- like a cocaine addict who takes just one more hit. Now you are left completely at a loss when trying to figure out why you do what you do you and resort to assuming helplessness. The only blame is the part of your brain that aint working but you needed to have accepted it. Most of ‘our’ minds operate purely on impulse so doing something like saying I WILL NEVER BIINGE OR STARVE AGAIN probably won’t get you too far. Same with self blame and self hate- reaction to impulse.

  • Our brains are going to have f8cked up neural circuits and they are going to fire, you just have to engage other circuits to weaken them (eat real food, plain). You can’t reinforce them 24/7
  • Don’t do stupid things. If you binige, you’re going to eat all the oreos if you buy them. Don’t go browsing the junk food isle at the gas station, don’t drool over a vending machine and do your best to turn the channel when the new brownie cereal commercial comes on.

Seriously, many people will waste their entire lives suffering because they would rather die, lose a foot; lose their vision than give up _______. Stop being a baby, use your noggin and accept it. Food while healing is medication. Some is off limits- A LOT IS NOT.

Hormones: most binge eaters want to binge after a ‘normal meal’. Read up on hypoglycemia and how to manage it with a lower carbohydrate lifestyle. Eating sugary, starchy crap in the context of suffering hypoglycemia is going to whack out your blood glucose and insulin around and make you hungry and further increase your cravings. It’s a cycle…

A smart man once said this:

“We must realize, however, that all living cells are continuously subject to imperfect nutrition and that overt mental disease is known to result from malnutrition, as, for example, in pellagra. In the light of these considerations, we would be foolhardy indeed to take for granted that the nutrition of the brain cells is automatically satisfactory in those who are afflicted or threatened with mild or severe mental disease.” -Dr. Roger J, Williams, writing in Nutrition Against Disease.

In the book, Nutrition Against Disease, author Dr. Roger J, Williams points out that like all other living cells, brain cells often receive less than perfect nutrition. He goes on to observe that brain cells get nutrition from blood, which in turn gets its nutrients from the food we eat each day.At first, it takes a while to get past that and let your body readjust to a new way. Psychologically, your brain may want to get that rush back, even at the expense of feeling bad later. It’s the same reason why people like to smoke. They cultivate an addiction and then enjoy the pleasure of satiating that addiction. So you need to deal with:

Stress.

Anger.

Depression.

Anxiety.

Boredom.

Futility.

Filling a void.

Making up for previous deprivation in life.

Fear of deprivation.

Fear of change.

Nostalgia.

Denial.

Obsession.

Loathing.

Hyper self-criticism.

It has to do with healthfulness, and mindfulness, and gratitude, and forgiveness.  It has to do with having a free mind, and using food to fuel that beautiful, free (yet oddly functioning) mind.

To geek out on you, in relation to your brain, an unidentified woo I admire quoted this: Low dopaminergic tone is one critical pathophysiological process in obesity.Dopamine is a major metabolic regulator. A key feature of garden variety obesity, as well as hibernation, is a functional downregulation of dopamine receptors. Dopamine binding completely orients cell-level metabolism around in favor of glucose metabolism. This prevents hyperinsulinemia. Peripheral dopamine binding suppresses insulin production from the pancreas, preventing hypoglycemia after eating, and prenting lipogenesis. When dopamine is blocked, or when dopamine receptors are functionally downregulated during obesity (glucose excess results in the downregulation), the cells shift to a preference for fat metabolism, which paradoxically induces glucose intolerance and hyperinsulinemia and fat gain. Low dopamine also reduces psychomotor activity (energy-sparing) and promotes sleepiness/inattentiveness, another common complaint in obesity as well as in hibernation. One thing neither talked about is the most satifying foods are fats. Only carbs have a special neuropeptide that modulates the hypothalamic tracts. That directly modulates the median forebrain bundle……Carbs…..not fat of protein. Behavior is a result of what the brain is perceiving(aka the reaction to unreal food).

Emily Deans of Evolutionary Psychology says : Even if we assume there is no specific “brain disorder” that causes binging, it seems clear to me that most binge eaters have at least a conditioned psychological aversion to food. This is why they binge. They try to restrict or moderate their intake during the day only to gorge on it later in a binge. Even if we assume there is no neurobiology causing binging the way there is causing heroin use, we can’t argue or deny that there is a clear cut psychological food aversion found in binge eaters. They love and they hate food.

 

‘Liking’ a food does not make you necessarily ‘want’ a food, and it is the ‘wanting’ of foods that typifies the chronic overeating that leads to obesity- acceptance my friends. I think the similarity between the hyperpalatable industrial food and the hard drugs is that they are all (somewhat metaphorically) poisons, but we take the dose anyway, and need bigger and bigger amounts.

Some helpful hints…drop caffeine, get good sleep, go outside, drop ANY lowfat product from your diet and the most obvious eat food naturally available prior to the agricultural and industrial revolution. This is the easiest way to deflame your massively inflamed brain.

As Sophia at Burp and Slurp recently said: “Let me tell you something about bingeing and purging: there are few experiences as maniacal and hedonistic as it. It’s a mad, jagged jumble of ecstasy, anxiety and self-hatred as you stuff food after food into your mouth. You’re scared to death and at the same time craving it all. You abhor your “greed” and lack of control, yet you “reward” yourself with uninhibited indulgence. You’re feeling exhilarated by the action of the feast, yet unable to enjoy the taste and pleasure of satiety because you are stuffing yourself so frantically, gulping down the food just for the sake of sensory. You feel like you can eat and eat and still gain no satisfaction, yet your stomach is swelling painfully and the sharp pains in your abdomen feels like it’s a sack bulging with shards of pointy rocks.”

That Day… Monday, Jun 27 2011 

Where you get your ass back in gear, clear your mind, meditate and get on with life…

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PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES

GROW UP

PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE

AND KEEP GOING…

 

 

I

WANT

MY

FERTILITY

Motivation Thursday, May 26 2011 

Going through life you set goals, you work hard and then you hope to reap what you sow, RIGHT? We are bred from childhood to distinguish between failure and success, between achieving and failing and some of us(actually very few in my opinion) ever learn what real hard work is. Be is physical or mental, VERY few people actually do work really hard for something they want.

What if recovery is going a bit slower than what you had hoped for? You tend to it, you think about it, and you overly nurture it holding on to ‘that’- whatever that is which makes you so damned different and disordered. Everyone has something to them, but those in recovery have ‘that’ and people can smell it from 100 miles away. Its mental, it is in your walk, it is in your talk, it is in your ability to say yes or no, to stick your nose up or go along with the ride. It is in your every move and detail of you life. You got it, and other people really truly think its fucked up…your different. Recovery involves mending this garden and getting rid of the weeds holding you back. How do you just stop, just change? How do you just go with it, the flow of life? Why the fuck cant you just be normal? These are thoughts and questions I have asked myself in the past, and aspects I still occasionally dwell on.

But the main goal and ability picked up by many in recovery is that patience is a virtue, you can’t force anything to happen and if you’re trying to, then stop it…let it go. There are sparks and highlights in recovery here and there; times when you’re damned proud of yourself, times when you should be a Mexican jumping bean of enthusiasm but you’re not, and times where you want and need the company of others but times where you need to be with yourself and learn to trust and accept that person.

People know your potential, don’t give anything less and don’t expect others to ‘settle’ with a lesser than adequate person. Give people your all, but give recovery your every ounce of energy because in the end, your own ability to maintain happiness is all that counts. When you find that passion you and everyone is born with, you can run with it, and be able to do whatever you want.

Take each day one at a time without goals and without standards, without plans, and without the ED mind in your presence. Eventually you look at a day with things to do, people to socialize with, feelings and aspects of real life, your ED is left behind because there is more to you now. Lose the selfishness and you lose the disease, one day after the other and just as beautiful as the last.

Can’t put your finger on it? Cant figure out HOW to get rid of the ED ora you travel everywhere with. Well, first thing is first, if you look like your starving, your brain is whacked out and you suffer some horrendous malnutrition. Either take it upon yourself to eat the fucking food, don’t worry about its tastes or textures and I would actually recommend you stick to bland foods. You need to lose the obsession you have with food, and plain fatty meat and potatoes is an easy route. Make a shit load, and eat it. It will already be cooked and ready. This takes the thinking about food away. It doesn’t matter WTF you think or count up, you’re gonna eat the same damned bland yet nutritious food(potato, sweet potato, ground beef, liver, chuck, pork butt, whole fishes, eggs etc) until your mind has had enough. You WILL lose the overly active reward mechanism in your brain- or at least repair it. So don’t go overly seasoning ANYTHING, if anything, just some sea salt on your food(NOT THE WHOLE THING coated and then dipped in salt). Get rid of the sauces, condiments and things you bank on your flavor because it isn’t helping slow down your mind. KISS

Patience is what seems to be bountifully on your side in recovery. It takes forever, yes. But guess what, actively(this means making progress by the way, actual results…GET SOME) acting upon yourself and your recovery is everything youll ever need. Learn to appreciate and be proud of the fruits of your labor(mostly mental). Sit with yourself ans you learn to accept that pride and achievement. You need to take pride in everything that has come to be. But for most and myself included, it seems like you just can’t quite get the routine right. This point is crucial. No matter what, don’t give up on it. EVERY ONE has their time, their pace and their patience! THE POINT, is staying active. Don’t expect results if youre not changing. Don’t expect to be less than obsessed with food if your choking down artificial sweeteners and bottle dips on everything, or better yet is your using a whole seasoning cabinet on everything you do eat. Those do not give results. Those feed addiction, and this feeds an eating disorder. Don’t try and think up the best combo of food just because you know you have to eat. No, lose the obsession, lose the flavor enhancement, lose the ‘it’ you carry around with you. If you are constantly improving and fine tuning your work, keep going! Recovery lies in seeing changes, not thinking about them, having results, not planning for them.

Step back and see what you can improve on….but then do actually DO IT. Like they say doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity. Don’t throw in the towel, but make changes. You have to. Your doomed if you don’t.
what do you do to keep going forward, to not give up? Ultimately you can’t expect someone to just go recover and change their every move and expect to gain something in life. That would be expecting them to change who they are. There is nothing you can do about right now, like it or hate it. You cant make anyone understand or make someone else change who they are. The world will not change to cater to you. Nothing you can do about that either. Don’t lose that spark for a passion, get worn out and discouraged by too much rejection, or just not getting far enough no matter how much the re-haul or effort put in. keep at it. Make active changes. Make changes that are seeable. Make changes you can appreciate and changes others can see, talk about, enjoy.accomplishing a goal is one thing, like tackling a fear food, but grabbing the world and attacking a fear food IS recovery. Everyone can enjoy it, share it, and be part of it. THIS forces the mental obsession away. THIS is what, over time and repeated, will bring results.

You get back whatever you put out, so don’t think about what you don’t have or what you didn’t get. Perhaps learning to let go of that want will be the best thing to do. To be satisfied with what you have, and anything else is just ____. Do not let something out of nowhere erase your self confidence and drive for recovery. Don’t let someone dampen your spirits or harp on something you do(given it is a good thing)

“Never think that God’s delays are God’s denials. Hold; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.”
– Georges-Louis Leclerc

Post Lent Showdown! Wednesday, Apr 27 2011 

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Still alive guys! I am thinking of starting a new blog just about my everyday life (and the amount of weirdos I run into day to day) but then I remembered I cant even keep this on running updated soooooo we will see.

Anyways for lent I gave up taking photos of myself, and I gave up dairy. 40 DAYS WITH NO DAIRY PRODUCT WHATSOEVER. I thought the first couple of days I was going to die because I missed the dense saltiness. But, I learned a few things. Like how to eat real food and use it to your liking. Just a few foods I have been inhaling the past 40+days:

*Okinawan Potatoes…everyone in the world needs to try these

*Weird potatoes form the Asian store(I don’t know their names!)

*Sweet taters

*Taro

*Coconut oil & flakes

*Acorn Squash(as a dessert with butter & cinnamon)

*Eggs(especially scrambled in pork fat)

*beef shank

*oxtail

*pork belly

*dandelion greens

*steak/chicken/pork steak- the usual cuz something is always on sale

*homemade sausage(spiked with fennel yum)

*beef jelllllooooooo(stock)

*clams/WHOLE roasted fishes/shrimp/crab

*typical canned sardines/salmon

*tried beets(ehh…ok)

Trying some different sauces…tomato and mustard and stock and learning to use spices and fresh herbs so send recipes my way if you got em! Having no meat on Fridays was actually fun and I might keep it up. Gives me more reason to roast whole fishes!!!!!!!

If you can tell I totally got over any lingering fear of starch and carbohydrates. Gonna add in rice sometime and see how I handle it. Still totally primal(even more so sans dairy) because I think it’s right for me, you do what works for you as always J I don’t know if I will add back dairy because my digestion is superb. I credit it to all the bone marrow in the shanks, knowing on oxtails, and yummy fermented vegetables. Actually, I don’t know I would classify myself as ANYTHING, as a good, smart man said in this post _Archevore_ it is all about finding what modern day offers us to be healthy and what it doesn’t.

Basically I am a happy and not worried about much. Fertility is on my mind, but I have accepted what will happen will happen. I think that’s the most sane and rational thing someone in my position can do.

By the way, a year ago this time I was starting to try chin ups. I couldn’t even do ONE. Then I worked up with negatives, jumping up to the chin up and slowly lowering. Then I attempted chin ups until I could do one….NOW I CAN DO 3 SETS OF 12….Get On My Level!!!!!!!!!!!

Not Much Wednesday, Feb 16 2011 

But a video, no time for anything but a quick video. Process of moving, working, living 🙂 I do have a post in the works on meditation.

 

 

 

READ THIS BOOK Thursday, Feb 10 2011 

 

http://www.jamesgreenblattmd.com/jgreenblatt-books.htm

OVERVIEW:

Answers to Anorexia offers patients and families new hope for the successful treatment of this serious, frustrating, and enigmatic illness. It proposes the first new treatment plan for anorexia in fifty years.

Anorexia is a medical illness of starvation that causes malnutrition in the body and the brain. This self-starvation disease affects approximately 1-5% of young women in the U.S., (and is increasingly common among middle-aged women as well as men).

While psychiatry treats major psychiatric illness with medications – not one drug is FDA-approved to treat anorexia!  Antidepressants are commonly prescribed, but have been proven ineffective for treating anorexia. Answers to Anorexia addresses the challenge of successful treatment by providing an integrative medicine approach to this devastating illness.

Answers to Anorexia offers readers highly accessible information that may be helpful as either self-help or as an adjunct to professional treatment. It provides a holistic treatment plan involving an integrative medicine approach for men and women with anorexia. The treatment plan centers on restorative nutrition and precise medication for the many symptoms and illnesses that often accompany this life-threatening disease such as depression and anxiety. To be successful, Dr. Greenblatt explains, treatment needs to correct the physical damage and brain dysfunction of malnutrition.

Answers to Anorexia also walks readers though the latest research on brain function and nutrition, and equips them to make informed decisions about treatment planning, appropriate nutritional supplements, and the use of a new brain test – referenced electroencephalogram (rEEG). rEEG provides a neurophysiologically based treatment for predicting and customizing medications for eating disorder patients—medications that can effectively relieve many illnesses that co-occur with the disordered eating such as depression and obsessive ruminations. This revolutionary, yet simple, brain test enables psychiatrists to improve upon the traditional trial-and-error approach to medication selection.

AND READ HIS BLOG:

http://jamesgreenblattmd.com/blog/

This guy seems to ‘get it’ like I ‘get it.’ The problem is nutrition, and the answer is nutrition…..REAL FOOD NUTRITION. The rest falls into place when you fix malnourishment, there is NO question about this. Read the book, I plan to when i get money to buy it and do a full review on it(via blog post) and I wish he did a seminar near me because I would totally attend.

Anyways, won’t be blogging to much for a bit, I am in to process of moving out of my current rental house and into an apartment with 4 girls…BIG CHANGE as I am use to living with guys because I am not a ‘girly girl’ nor do I enjoy ‘girl talk’ but whatever…take life as it is thrown at you! I am incredibly short on money(in debt) and this is affordable sort of.

As usual, eat real food always when your hungry. Get good sleep and sunshine and FIND A HOBBY.

E-Book, your ideas! Monday, Jan 31 2011 

PLEASE NOTICE THE NEW ADDITION IN THE TOP LEFT CORNER OF MY BLOG, A DONATION BUTTON. THIS IS TO HELP TOWARD A LASTING RECOVERY TO GET BLOOD WORK I CANNOT AFFORD. AS SOON AS I RECEIVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, I WILL POST MY RESULTS IN HOPES OF PROMOTING A STRONGER ARGUMENT FOR EATING DISORDER RECOVERY AND THE PRIMAL WAY. I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO ANY AND EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTES

 

I will be compiling an e-book over the next few months to focus on the change I wish to see in eating disorder treatment, a game plan for recovery, as well as a fully comprehensive nutritonal analysis to focus on the concept of malnutrition in eating disorders.

NOW FOR YOUR PART!!! I need to know what you want to see in my e-book. WHAT IS IT YOU want to read when you open a recovery book, what questions do you want answered and what knowledge do you seek when looking for help/assistance and direction in eating disorders?

FIRE AWAY SUGGESTIONS, or other posts and things I have already covered you found helpful or would like expanded on.

Promotions, Donations & HappyGirl! Friday, Jan 28 2011 

EDIT!! PLEASE NOTICE THE NEW ADDITION IN THE TOP LEFT CORNER OF MY BLOG, A DONATION BUTTON. THIS IS TO HELP TOWARD A LASTING RECOVERY TO GET BLOOD WORK I CANNOT AFFORD. AS SOON AS I RECEIVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, I WILL POST MY BLOOD RESULTS AND DEXA SCAN IN HOPES OF PROMOTING A STRONGER ARGUMENT FOR EATING DISORDER RECOVERY AND THE PRIMAL WAY. I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO ANY AND EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTES

Well I do not have much time to post this week but wanted to do a quick fooooortay on a few things I have noticed…

Before I got stuck in my eating disorder I was this very charismatic, outgoing, unpredictable person. There are a few things lately which lead me to believ I am coming back to this person

  • I suffer some real ADD that makes me laugh so hard with my friends about nothing
  • I love Jersey Shore; I sit through the whole thing…GUIDOOOO. I need to get a GTL bag
  • I got a hold of camouflage duct tape. I put it on my hand and went up to my dad (visited my parents) who wears camo pants 24/7 and was like “look you cant see me hand!!”….I’m such a retard haha
  • I have been talking on the phone ten times more than I use to. Good things to come J
  • I have more energy than I know what to do with. I feel like someone spiked my body with a cross of Ritalin and speed. I cannot slow down!

I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS AT WORK THIS WEEK!!! BOUYAAAAAAAA

And some good reading I have come across this week:

All from Stephanie’s Blog, amazing information here

http://stephanie-on-health.blogspot.com/ :

It has been estimated that 70% of America’s children are currently deficient in vitamin D [20] (Details) . This is not surprising, given current medical advice. The sunscreen industry lobby has convinced most Americans, including medical experts, that the sun should be aggressively avoided to prevent skin cancer. This, in spite of the fact that the sun is an excellent source of vitamin D, allowing the skin to manufacture it directly from cholesterol. Moreover, vitamin D is protective against all cancers (Details) a characteristic which, in my view, more than compensates for any extra skin cancer risk incurred by sunbathing. Vitamin D deficiency is also associated with an increased risk of high blood pressure and diabetes [35]. In order to get vitamin D from food, it is necessary to eat animal fats; animals manufacture vitamin D, a fat-soluble vitamin, and store it in their fat cells.

The American medical establishment is heavily entrenched in the idea that dietary fat is unhealthy. People are encouraged to adopt low fat diets, which inevitably lead to an increase in their intake of carbs and sugars, as much of the fat removed in foods is replaced with sugars to make them palatable. Many foods are also often highly processed and easily digested, leading to a rapid rise in blood sugar. At the same time, foods containing vitamin D are avoided, due to their universally high fat content.

Vitamin D is crucial to the absorption of calcium from the gut into the blood stream, and both vitamin D and calcium are important catalysts in crucial biological processes. Fats also promote the uptake of calcium in the gut, whereas dietary fiber, touted as being healthy, impedes it [38] (Details) . These three nutrients, fats, vitamin D, and calcium, have intricate mutual dependencies that make it important to consume them together. Americans are deficient in these important nutrients because of their perceived need to pursue a low fat diet and avoid sun exposure.

ADHD and Anorexia:

Fat cells are part of the endocrine system, and, as I’ve discussed before, they have the power to influence the degree to which muscle cells prefer glucose versus fats as an energy source. They exercise this control by releasing two signaling peptides: leptin and adiponectin. Adiponectin promotes glucose consumption by the muscles, and it also acts directly on the fat cells to encourage them to take up glucose and convert it to fat. Leptin, on the other hand, stimulates the muscles to prefer fat consumption over glucose consumption.

Statistically, children with ADHD have an abnormally efficient glucose metabolism rate, i.e., for the same amount of insulin, blood sugar levels drop more quickly after a meal than in other children. This observation suggests that their fat cells have arranged a set point of a high adiponectin to leptin ratio, such that the muscles prefer glucose over fats, and fat cells are predisposed to convert glucose to fat. The glucose levels drop more quickly because the muscles and fat cells are using more of it.

Anorexics, children who intentionally starve themselves, are known to have extremely efficient glucose metabolism (tend towards hypoglycemia) and also to have a high ratio of adiponectin to leptin concentrations . This strategy maximizes availability of fatty acids to the heart and brain. It is curious that anorexia is much more common in girls, and ADHD is much more common in boys.

Researchers at Harvard Medical School suspected that there might be an association between anorexia and ADHD. To test this hypothesis, they compared girls with ADHD against a control group to see whether the ones with ADHD were predisposed towards anorexia(ADHD and Anorexia). The results showed that girls with ADHD were 3.6 times more likely than the control group to develop an eating disorder. I have come to believe that anorexia is a technique to combat ADHD that girls are able to adopt, whereas boys do not have enough fat cells to carry out the task of converting glucose to fat. Ritalin is well known to reduce appetite, and long term use can lead to an anorexia-like condition. It may well work, in part, because it achieves this ultra-thin state, thus conserving fats by minimizing the consumption of fat by cells that can get by on glucose.

TWO biggest problems in health:

For several decades now, Americans have come to believe that the following two practices are foundational in a healthy lifestyle:  eat a low-fat diet, and  stay away from the sun. Additionally, if people consume adequate amounts of calcium, then all three nutritional deficiencies that have led to obesity will be overcome: vitamin D, calcium, and dietary fat.

The lack of adequate dietary fat contributes to the metabolic syndrome in at least four ways:  vitamin D is only available in fatty food sources because it is a fat-soluble vitamin, calcium uptake is more efficient when the calcium is consumed with dietary fats, calcium uptake depends critically on the presence of vitamin D, which is deficient due to (1) above, and the burden of fat cells to manufacture fatty acids from sugar is alleviated by the dietary availability of fats from ingested food sources.

I would also argue that one should make sure to ingest adequate amounts of dietary fat, especially dairy fat . Whole milk is particularly outstanding because it contains substantial amounts of calcium and vitamin D, and it contains the necessary fat to assure that these two elements will be well utilized rather than just passing through the digestive system unabsorbed. Animal fats such as bacon are good sources of vitamin D, while also supplying fatty acids to help with energy needs. Fatty fish such as salmon and sardines are particularly good because they contain both omega-3 fats and vitamin D. One should assiduously avoid the trans fats found in processed foods such as cookies, crackers, and margarine. Butter and eggs are also healthy choices. Egg yolk is particularly good because it contains both fats and vitamin D. Nuts, particularly walnuts, almonds, and macademia nuts, are excellent sources of omega 3 fats.

The fat cells are able to influence the muscles to preferentially take up fats rather than glucose by releasing certain hormones into the blood, hormones that also have a powerful influence over appetite. One of these hormones is leptin. While leptin influences the muscle cells indirectly through its signaling in the hypothalamus, it also stimulates the muscle cells directly, and influences them to oxidize fatty acids in their mitochondria. Leptin also encourages the fat cells to release their fats through lipolysis. All of these actions work in concert to redirect fuel usage away from glucose. The programming of the muscles to preferentially consume fats aligns well with the fat cells’ infusion of fats into the blood and absorption of sugars through their fat-producing factories.

Leptin also has the effect, via the hypothalamus and pituitary gland, of suppressing appetite. Adiponectin is another hormone released by fat cells, and it is generally agreed that adiponectin induces hunger. Leptin and adiponectin levels would ordinarily fluctuate throughout the day, with leptin levels rising at night to encourage a switch from glucose-based to fat-based energy management. However, in the obese person, the leptin levels are typically high all the time, and the adiponectin levels are kept very low. High levels of leptin in the blood signal to the appetite center in the brain a sense of being full, whereas high levels of adiponectin are hunger-inducing. This means that the obese are being informed both that they are full, and that they are not hungry. You would think that this would protect them from overeating. However, it is likely that the observed insensitivity to leptin as an appetite suppressant in the obese is also related to calcium depletion, because the signaling mechanisms that respond to leptin in both the hypothalamus (Details) and the pituitary gland (Details) depend on changes in internal calcium concentrations

The result of these three deficiencies is defective glucose uptake in both muscle and fat cells. The obese person becomes trapped in an endless metabolic cycle of trying to supply the energy needed for a steadily increasing demand. The fat cells are at the center of the storm, because they are burdened with the arduous assignment of converting the excess consumed sugars and carbohydrates into fat. The fat cells must do this because the muscle cells are impaired with a malfunctioning ability to metabolise sugars. Even if the metabolic problem were not fixed, if the obese person simply ate more fat, and therefore consumed fewer carbs, the fat cells’ burden would be greatly alleviated. In addition, getting plenty of vitamin D and calcium, either through diet or sun exposure, would alleviate the core problem of impaired glucose transport across the cell wall. Now that the heart and muscles can utilize sugars directly, the excessive burden on the fat cells to expand and proliferate is relieved, and the body fat will inevitably melt away.

The metabolic syndrome is a term used to encapsulate a complex set of markers associated with increased risk to heart disease. The profile includes insulin resistance and dysfunctional glucose metabolism in muscle cells, excess triglycerides in the blood serum, high levels of LDL, particularly small dense LDL, the worst kind  low levels of HDL (the “good” cholesterol) and reduced cholesterol content within the individual HDL particles, elevated blood pressure, and obesity, particularly excess abdominal fat. I have argued previously that this syndrome is brought on by a diet that is high in empty carbohydrates (particularly fructose) and low in fats and cholesterol, along with a poor vitamin D status [Seneff2010]. While I still believe that all of these factors are contributory, I would now add another factor as well: insufficient dietary sulfate.

  • A recent analysis of data from the Nurses’ Health Study, an ambitious long-term study involving over 18,000 nurses, showed that fat in dairy consumption was associated with high fertility. Women who said they ate low-fat diary increased their risk of infertility by 85%, whereas women who consistently ate high-fat dairy decreased their risk by 27%. Fertility is an indicator of the degree to which the body perceives that it is prepared to support a fetus. Breast milk has an extremely high fat content, significantly higher than that of cow’s milk. It then seems logical that, once mother’s milk is replaced with table foods, these foods should continue to be high in fat content.

Heres an interesting tidbit on ketosis and pregnancy:

http://www.ketotic.org/2011/01/kb-are-important-for-fetal-development.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A71QF98qEXM

Recovery Full of Lean Gains Friday, Jan 21 2011 

LEAN_GAINS…. this is the dream of every eating disordered individual on the face of the earth. If you would like to sit back and think that there was no distinguishing your body image, weight and appearance in your eating disorder then be my guest, but realize I do not believe you. Everyone wants to feel good in their skin. Everyone wants to look good in their body. Everyone wants a carefree attitude toward themselves, their food, and how it interacts and relates in their every day lives.

When I was suffering the malnutrition and horrendous side effects of being stuck in a disease, everything about my body image and food intake, or lack thereof, was incredibly distorted but so REAL to me at the time. If you have been reading my blog you understand the first step in the right direction in recovery from an eating disorder is acceptance, not per say of yourself, because it is not possible with a distorted mind. But acceptance in recovering and finding yourself. This means you need to force your mind to separate from your body. See yourself as a being one entity, all of it’s own without your eating disorder. Put a cup in front of you and make that your disorder. It is NO longer in your mind. Until you can force yourself to see this difference, you will always live WITH an eating disorder rather than recover from one. Until you understand and accept it is all in your head, your life will be run by food- plain and simple. All food blogger’s lives are run by food. I do not think that is healthy. Hosting a recipe site is one thing, but if you need accountability for yourself via the web that is just weird. You lack of trust in yourself and you lack the maturity to force discipline in yourself.

What you do is up to you. How you recover is up to you. I have always held true to the fact that my recovery goes against conventional wisdom. You will never find a nutritionist or dietician who will say ‘my way’ is the right way. I can guarantee you their way isnt the right way simply because the right way is the way your PERSONALLY find and experience. You cant mirror someone else’s recovery or food because you are not them. All I can do is reflect with my blog what has worked for me and continues to amaze me everyday. And that is where LeanGains comes in…

Martin Berkhan hosts a website devoted to strength training and a dietary protocol which instills a no-strings-0r-emotional attachment guideline to food, eating, and lifting weights. I found Martin’s site well over a year ago and was immediately drop-of-the-jaw amazed by his research, self experimentation to find what works, as well as similarities between his dieting journey and my own. While looking at the website on first glance one would assume Martin is a genetic freak of nature, he was once a chubby kid just like I was. I was a fat, big-ol chubby child and teen. However I never really got overweight because I was strong, and active with cheerleading, dance and field hockey in high school.

However, college led me to drinking and eating all hours of the day which lead to some good fat gain. From there, I dieted down and turned on this genetic switch i have since been tryig to switch back off. I became this distorted beast of doubt, hate, willpower, and starvation. But most of all I suffered to most selfish mental hate you can imagine. I got so incredibly stick thin, gazing food, thinking about food, tallying food, drooling over recipes and food I would never touch, and doing just enough to stay alive(save for the 4 times I can actually remember almost dying). I hit rock bottom and tried conventional wisdom, conventional treatment and did any and everything the ‘industry’ wanted out of me. I slowly painfully and undevotingly put on enough weight to still be ‘anorexic’ but no longer deadly. you can coin this, no pun intended to my ability to fool the scale chugging water and putting rolls of quarters in my bra before ‘weigh-in.’ I hadnt accepted recovery because I didnt not trust or believe in ‘the industry.’ I needed to find what made sense to ME and only I could decide and find that.

Thing is nothing had changed following what doctors said. I was more food focused than ever, more tightly side tracked in counting, summarizing, tallying, everything like a second nature beat in my everyday obsessive life. All repetitive mind controlling like ackward ecstasy almost. I hated it and I hate going back there and remembering it. I hated my life. I hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t figure out what the fuck was wrong with me, why I WAS a freak and why I was so fat, but not ever really big at all. Why did I CARE about my food, why did I HAVE TO workout, why did I have to be that freak oddball whom everyone and their brother’s sister’s aunt’s cousin was nervous around; always tiptoeing around the right words.

Then I found LeanGains. Martin prescribes a basic guideline, easy, no thinking involved way of eating. JUST EAT 8 hours a day and GET ON WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE the other 16. Get it? Easy. This is how I based my recovery and weight gain over the past almost 2 years. At first I was a ‘zero carber’ but obviously when I started blogging was when I also gained some common sense as well- JUST EAT REAL FOOD, even easier. So, two things have come out of me in the past year :

*JUST FUCKING EAT 8 HOURS A DAY, enough to gain weight if you need to…it does not matter what your ‘macros are’ your ‘grams’ are etc etc. nothing to think about. Just devote 8 hours of your day for eating. From here, you work with yourself, finding what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. don’t eat shit you don’t like, don’t plan meals because you think you need X Y and Z, JUST EAT. If you cant cut it then DONT DO IT but I am informing you what works for me.

* I eat real food, simple. If it breathes in nature I prolly want it dead and on my plate., preferably rare and bloody. And yes, supposedly ‘plants’ and vegetables breathe too. And hands down dairy is food to me, I love it.

Has it worked? Haaa, only the best idea I have ever in my life followed through with. With 16 hours of a day left ‘free’ your mind has NO CHOICE but to find something else to do. You find new interests, hobbies, more time for family and friends, more energy devoted to your job, your affairs. Everything is less stressful, more calming and relaxed.

It also helped my digestion. Every eating disordered individual has some pooper problems, EVERY ONE. Whether you restrict or binge or barf you have gut malfunctions. Intermittent fasting allows your body a break, and time to assimilate and put to use all the good food you feed it when you do eat.

I was taught forced with this acceptance of recovery and trusting Martin’s guidelines as well as the nature of intermittent fasting, to eat big. Eat a big ass meal, lots of food. And I was still alive to tell the tale. My food digests relatively well prolly 90% better than it has in the past, and I am SATISFIED AT EVERY MEAL. Not a day goes by that I do not truly enjoy my meals, my food and the satisfaction of nourishing myself as it is meant to be. Now, this doesn’t mean my mind is disordered free, with my passion of the human body I often get caught up in 10 different studies at the same time and attempt to reflect them on myself, but it is no longer an eating disorder, no longer a petty hate I have toward myself. I just have this ever running mind that aims to discover the human mind, not so much into the human body and physique especially in reflection of myself.

LeanGains forced me to grow up and mature. I had no choice. I HAD to eat big, I HAD to nourish myself because I accepted recovery and getting healthy. Why did I? Because I accepted it.

Then, in the past couple months, I read Body By Science (recommend everyone read this book) and was further schooled on the human body and its adaption to strength. I became very interested in strengthening my body and found that lifting heavy shit a couple times a week left me feeling AMAZING, and even more relaxed and calm than I could imagine. I need to eat big because I want to strengthen my body, I have a goal.You cannot get stronger without eating well, eating a lot, and trusting what you are doing.  I want strength. When you have an eating disorder, you’re weak, not just physically but mentally. Lifting has allowed me to gain confidence, as I continue to do because I am amazed at what my body can do, handle and take. This confidence reflects now in my blogging, my ability to discover joy in life, find shit funny, sit back, kick back and just not care about shit sometimes. It allowed me to feel the NEED to eat and get stronger. And I have, results have shown that this works. I have gained lean body weight, in a healthy manner, and continue to get healthier each and everyday.

I literally look forward to relinquishing my beast lifting weights twice a week and TRUSTING this is all I need to do. Again, the amount of mental time I save is freaking awesome. Unlike many people who wake up cardio, walk, stretch, breakfast, followed by incremental meals every 2 hours, lifting, blah bLAH BLAH. Just live your life. Eat for 8 hours. Eat big. Eat till you satisfied, even a bit stuffed. THEN GET ON WITH THE SHOW. This my friends, works J I may still well be full of ‘beginners gains’ in my strength, but fuck I will take it, I am happy and I am strong.

So, since I know you are anxious to read up here are some I recommend:

http://www.leangains.com/ Martin’s site, obviously

http://www.leangains.com/2009/11/fasting-and-metabolism.html

http://www.leangains.com/2010/10/top-ten-fasting-myths-debunked.html Myths about Fasting

http://www.leangains.com/2010/08/high-reps-vs-low-reps-for-muscle-gain.html Strength Training

http://www.leangains.com/2009/08/questions-answers.html

http://www.leangains.com/2009/07/questions-answers.html

Well, there’s a shit load to read at the site, so if your interested please put aside time to read it!!!!!!!!!

I could quite possibly kick the shit out of you, both in lifting weights(accounting for bodyweight) and eating haha. Have a good weekend !!

PS- You can be the judge, here is me today, post lifting(if anyone knows how to get the video to turn right side up, please let me know!!!) :

Never Forget:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-NK1zlvffY

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