Motivation Thursday, May 26 2011 

Going through life you set goals, you work hard and then you hope to reap what you sow, RIGHT? We are bred from childhood to distinguish between failure and success, between achieving and failing and some of us(actually very few in my opinion) ever learn what real hard work is. Be is physical or mental, VERY few people actually do work really hard for something they want.

What if recovery is going a bit slower than what you had hoped for? You tend to it, you think about it, and you overly nurture it holding on to ‘that’- whatever that is which makes you so damned different and disordered. Everyone has something to them, but those in recovery have ‘that’ and people can smell it from 100 miles away. Its mental, it is in your walk, it is in your talk, it is in your ability to say yes or no, to stick your nose up or go along with the ride. It is in your every move and detail of you life. You got it, and other people really truly think its fucked up…your different. Recovery involves mending this garden and getting rid of the weeds holding you back. How do you just stop, just change? How do you just go with it, the flow of life? Why the fuck cant you just be normal? These are thoughts and questions I have asked myself in the past, and aspects I still occasionally dwell on.

But the main goal and ability picked up by many in recovery is that patience is a virtue, you can’t force anything to happen and if you’re trying to, then stop it…let it go. There are sparks and highlights in recovery here and there; times when you’re damned proud of yourself, times when you should be a Mexican jumping bean of enthusiasm but you’re not, and times where you want and need the company of others but times where you need to be with yourself and learn to trust and accept that person.

People know your potential, don’t give anything less and don’t expect others to ‘settle’ with a lesser than adequate person. Give people your all, but give recovery your every ounce of energy because in the end, your own ability to maintain happiness is all that counts. When you find that passion you and everyone is born with, you can run with it, and be able to do whatever you want.

Take each day one at a time without goals and without standards, without plans, and without the ED mind in your presence. Eventually you look at a day with things to do, people to socialize with, feelings and aspects of real life, your ED is left behind because there is more to you now. Lose the selfishness and you lose the disease, one day after the other and just as beautiful as the last.

Can’t put your finger on it? Cant figure out HOW to get rid of the ED ora you travel everywhere with. Well, first thing is first, if you look like your starving, your brain is whacked out and you suffer some horrendous malnutrition. Either take it upon yourself to eat the fucking food, don’t worry about its tastes or textures and I would actually recommend you stick to bland foods. You need to lose the obsession you have with food, and plain fatty meat and potatoes is an easy route. Make a shit load, and eat it. It will already be cooked and ready. This takes the thinking about food away. It doesn’t matter WTF you think or count up, you’re gonna eat the same damned bland yet nutritious food(potato, sweet potato, ground beef, liver, chuck, pork butt, whole fishes, eggs etc) until your mind has had enough. You WILL lose the overly active reward mechanism in your brain- or at least repair it. So don’t go overly seasoning ANYTHING, if anything, just some sea salt on your food(NOT THE WHOLE THING coated and then dipped in salt). Get rid of the sauces, condiments and things you bank on your flavor because it isn’t helping slow down your mind. KISS

Patience is what seems to be bountifully on your side in recovery. It takes forever, yes. But guess what, actively(this means making progress by the way, actual results…GET SOME) acting upon yourself and your recovery is everything youll ever need. Learn to appreciate and be proud of the fruits of your labor(mostly mental). Sit with yourself ans you learn to accept that pride and achievement. You need to take pride in everything that has come to be. But for most and myself included, it seems like you just can’t quite get the routine right. This point is crucial. No matter what, don’t give up on it. EVERY ONE has their time, their pace and their patience! THE POINT, is staying active. Don’t expect results if youre not changing. Don’t expect to be less than obsessed with food if your choking down artificial sweeteners and bottle dips on everything, or better yet is your using a whole seasoning cabinet on everything you do eat. Those do not give results. Those feed addiction, and this feeds an eating disorder. Don’t try and think up the best combo of food just because you know you have to eat. No, lose the obsession, lose the flavor enhancement, lose the ‘it’ you carry around with you. If you are constantly improving and fine tuning your work, keep going! Recovery lies in seeing changes, not thinking about them, having results, not planning for them.

Step back and see what you can improve on….but then do actually DO IT. Like they say doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity. Don’t throw in the towel, but make changes. You have to. Your doomed if you don’t.
what do you do to keep going forward, to not give up? Ultimately you can’t expect someone to just go recover and change their every move and expect to gain something in life. That would be expecting them to change who they are. There is nothing you can do about right now, like it or hate it. You cant make anyone understand or make someone else change who they are. The world will not change to cater to you. Nothing you can do about that either. Don’t lose that spark for a passion, get worn out and discouraged by too much rejection, or just not getting far enough no matter how much the re-haul or effort put in. keep at it. Make active changes. Make changes that are seeable. Make changes you can appreciate and changes others can see, talk about, enjoy.accomplishing a goal is one thing, like tackling a fear food, but grabbing the world and attacking a fear food IS recovery. Everyone can enjoy it, share it, and be part of it. THIS forces the mental obsession away. THIS is what, over time and repeated, will bring results.

You get back whatever you put out, so don’t think about what you don’t have or what you didn’t get. Perhaps learning to let go of that want will be the best thing to do. To be satisfied with what you have, and anything else is just ____. Do not let something out of nowhere erase your self confidence and drive for recovery. Don’t let someone dampen your spirits or harp on something you do(given it is a good thing)

“Never think that God’s delays are God’s denials. Hold; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.”
– Georges-Louis Leclerc


Post Lent Showdown! Wednesday, Apr 27 2011 

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Still alive guys! I am thinking of starting a new blog just about my everyday life (and the amount of weirdos I run into day to day) but then I remembered I cant even keep this on running updated soooooo we will see.

Anyways for lent I gave up taking photos of myself, and I gave up dairy. 40 DAYS WITH NO DAIRY PRODUCT WHATSOEVER. I thought the first couple of days I was going to die because I missed the dense saltiness. But, I learned a few things. Like how to eat real food and use it to your liking. Just a few foods I have been inhaling the past 40+days:

*Okinawan Potatoes…everyone in the world needs to try these

*Weird potatoes form the Asian store(I don’t know their names!)

*Sweet taters


*Coconut oil & flakes

*Acorn Squash(as a dessert with butter & cinnamon)

*Eggs(especially scrambled in pork fat)

*beef shank


*pork belly

*dandelion greens

*steak/chicken/pork steak- the usual cuz something is always on sale

*homemade sausage(spiked with fennel yum)

*beef jelllllooooooo(stock)

*clams/WHOLE roasted fishes/shrimp/crab

*typical canned sardines/salmon

*tried beets(ehh…ok)

Trying some different sauces…tomato and mustard and stock and learning to use spices and fresh herbs so send recipes my way if you got em! Having no meat on Fridays was actually fun and I might keep it up. Gives me more reason to roast whole fishes!!!!!!!

If you can tell I totally got over any lingering fear of starch and carbohydrates. Gonna add in rice sometime and see how I handle it. Still totally primal(even more so sans dairy) because I think it’s right for me, you do what works for you as always J I don’t know if I will add back dairy because my digestion is superb. I credit it to all the bone marrow in the shanks, knowing on oxtails, and yummy fermented vegetables. Actually, I don’t know I would classify myself as ANYTHING, as a good, smart man said in this post _Archevore_ it is all about finding what modern day offers us to be healthy and what it doesn’t.

Basically I am a happy and not worried about much. Fertility is on my mind, but I have accepted what will happen will happen. I think that’s the most sane and rational thing someone in my position can do.

By the way, a year ago this time I was starting to try chin ups. I couldn’t even do ONE. Then I worked up with negatives, jumping up to the chin up and slowly lowering. Then I attempted chin ups until I could do one….NOW I CAN DO 3 SETS OF 12….Get On My Level!!!!!!!!!!!

Cast Your Vote, Enter to Win!! Tuesday, Mar 8 2011














Random Thoughts and Stuff Wednesday, Jan 19 2011 

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Insulin: a protein hormone formed from proinsulin in the beta cells of the pancreatic islets of Langerhans. The major fuel-regulating hormone, it is secreted into the blood in response to a rise in concentration of blood glucose or amino acids. Insulin promotes the storage of glucose and the uptake of amino acids, increases protein and lipid synthesis, and inhibits lipolysis and gluconeogenesis.

All true, but it sounds very biased. There is nothing wrong with gluconeogenesis, nor is there anything wrong with carbohydrate restriction. A glucose fueled body and a fatty acid fueled body are both healthy body’s (the latter arguably more health promoting and anti inflammatory). Insulin in and of itself has little to do with body weight and weight gain. The liver, pancreas and brain take care of this. One could potentially eat a ‘perfect’ diet totally devoid of carbohydrates, and still gain weight. if whatever you are eating is spiking your blood sugar and your pancreas is not releasing efficient amounts of insulin to clear the spike, then in turn you will store fat. This goes the same for EVERYTHING YOU EAT. Insulin is required to live, without it you would die. I think people are missing the point when the carbohydrate junk is thrown around, as well as the fear of blood sugar rises.

Lets say, for example, you do a 20 minute heavy lifting session in a fasted state(like first thing in the morning). Your body is PRIMED to produce a spike in blood sugar regardless of what you eat. NOT TO STORE FAT, but to reinstate hormesis in your muscles and deliver nutrients. This is the job of amino acids, but to deliver it you need insulin. Just a quick fortay rant.

See here from an interesting study I finally got around to reading:

However, protein-rich foods and bakery products (rich in fat and refined carbohydrate) elicited insulin responses that were disproportionately higher than their glycemic responses. Total carbohydrate (r = 0.39, P < 0.05, n = 36) and sugar (r = 0.36, P < 0.05,n = 36) contents were positively related to the mean insulin scores, whereas fat (r —¿ 0.27,NS, n 36) and protein (r —¿ 0.24,NS,n = 38) contents were negatively related. Consideration of insulinscores may be relevant to the dietary management and pathogenesis of non-insulin-dependent diabetes mellitus and hyperlipidemia and may help increase the accuracy of estimating preprandial insulin requirements. However, carbohydrates not the only stimulus for insulin secretion. Protein-rich foods or the addition of protein to a carbohydrate-rich meal can stimulate a modest rise in insulin secretion without increasing blood glucose concentrations, particularly in subjects with diabetes (20—22).Similarly, adding a large amount of fat to a carbohydrate-rich meal increases insulin secretion even though plasma glucose responses are reduced (23, 24). Fasting insulin concentrations were not more variable in females than in males and there were no significant differences at various stages of the menstrual cycle. A significant correlation was found between mean fasting insulin concentrations and mean BMI values for the six groups of subjects. On average, fish elicited twice as much insulin secretion as did the equivalent portion of eggs. Within the fruit group, oranges and apples produced a significantly lower GS and IS.

In summary, insulin responses to protein-rich foods are often 50 to 70 percent lower than responses to equivalent amounts of refined carbohydrate-rich foods. So beef does lead to insulin response but much lower than high carbohydrate, especially refined carbohydrate foods. Combine beef with white buns and now you have a real insulin spike. You can do without the bun but not without the beef (protein).

Also, a friend via facebook informed me of this amazing interview, everyone should read if they have time, and then read this guy’s book The Power of Seduction:

From :

There are three types of people in this world in dealing with this social reality. There are, what I call, the deniers, the people who deny this reality exists. They almost want to pretend that we are descended from angels and not from primates. That what I am talking about here is cynical. It doesn’t really exist. It doesn’t happen.

Among these deniers, you will find two types. You will find people who are genuinely disturbed by the politicking aspect of human nature. They don’t want any kind of job in which they have to do that. You will find that they are slowly marginalized. They can be happy that way. They are never going to assume a position of great responsibility because it involves all of this.

The other branch of the deniers are the people that are the passive-aggressors. I would classify this woman who had tortured me as a kind of a classic passive-aggressor. People who consciously don’t want to admit that there is any kind of manipulation involved, but unconsciously are playing all kinds of games. In my books, I often describe the many different kinds, the trickiest kind of person to deal with, the passive-aggressors.

The second type of person besides the deniers are those who love this Machiavellian part of our nature and revel in it and are master manipulators, and con artists, and connivers and are very aggressive. They have no problem handling this part. In fact, they love it. This type of person, which usually you will find one or two in an office or in an environment. They can get pretty far, but eventually they are tripped up in life because they are too Machiavellian. They don’t understand that there is the other side to that whole idea of theory of mind and the mirror neurons, which is empathy and cooperation and seducing people and getting them to work with you. They are too much involved with themselves and their own ego and they love manipulating until they go too far and they have a fall in life. There is a wall. They can never get past it.

The third type is what I am calling the radical realist. It is what I am proposing that you adopt. And it goes as follows.

This is our nature. This is how we evolved over millions of years. There is no point in denying it. It is who we are. And not only am I not going to deny it, I am going to accept that this is the human being as it has evolved over all of this time.

In fact, I love it. It’s fine. There is nothing wrong with the fact that in this world people are playing political games. There is nothing wrong with the fact that there are seducers and con artists and it is going on all the time. It is just reality. It is just the world as it is. Stop fighting it. Just accept it.

Within that accepting of it, it is not that you love it and want to go out in the world and play all of these nasty games. It is that you understand they exist. If, occasionally, you have to do them, fine. That’s okay within reason. If it is often other people are practicing them against you, which you will find a lot in your life, once you leave the confines of Yale, that’s okay.

You understand the laws of power. You understand what people are up to, and they can’t necessarily hurt you. In accepting this reality and in dealing with it and studying human nature and this aspect of what I call Machiavellian intelligence, suddenly with that attitude, with that mentality, you have all kinds of power and freedom.

With power comes a degree of freedom. Now, everybody is an individual. Some people like a position of dependence, and they feel happiest when there is somebody taking care of them. But, ultimately, I’m not happy with that because I know that that person will eventually withdraw their support. That unless this is someone who I am going to live with my whole life, that’s a different question, that eventually I am going to be left alone. And that dependency, that love or happiness that came from someone else, I can’t really 100 percent depend on it. I want to be able to have it depend on something that comes from within. Even to love somebody, even if you are going to live with them, is almost a skill that you have to develop, and it has to come from within.

And the only thing that is of value is something that you develop yourself through your life experiences, through maybe some hard times where you learn how to seduce. You learn how to compromise. You learn how to be in a relationship and how to love. And then once you have that skill or whatever you want to call it, then nobody can take it away from you and you have power and you have freedom and a degree of happiness

Amazing stuff, no?

I use to, iin the beginning of refeeding, suffer some massive digestion problems, diarrhea followed by days of wanting to go and getting nothing, and it seems to be a common trend(check out recent comments). The only advice I can offer someone who I don’t know, I don’t believe because eating disorders are all lies, and I don’t think has taken the time to read my blog is this:

*Starving yourself starves the gut flora balance, acid production and basic digestive ability of your body. Obviously, youre going to be faced with these problems upon refeeding. If after you eat a meal the left upper part of your abdomen hurts(below your heart) then you may want to get your pancreas checked. If it is oversecreting insulin you may get a pain from there. If the right side of your body like across from your heart ever aches, that’s your liver get it checked. Anorexics notoriously had bad liver with the inability to manufacture and store glucose causing all kinds of NAFLD problems in the future. * Eat sauerkraut, REAL FUUL FAT yogurt, kimichi, BONE BROTH etc. many complain but VERY FEW follow what I say.

Unless you have other problems going on, meat doesn’t raise glucose levels very much. If one has Insulin Resistance of the liver, the liver can’t or doesn’t release it’s glycogen stores very well. So a large surge of insulin can cause your blood glucose level to go too low, before the liver is finally coaxed into releasing it’s stored glycogen by the surge in adrenaline and cortisol. Protein is essential, carbs are not. Eating both protein and carbs results in additive effect on insulin production. You can only cut protein so much, but you can cut carbs dramatically.

I also cam across this:

“Severe reactive hypoglycemia and have a very good awareness of my pancreatic functions. I can feel insulin pumping out and my pancreas HURTS when it’s required to put out alot of insulin. Also beef is known to secrete more insulin than other meats.Also liquid beef amino supplements are known to enhance muscle growth compared to other animal amino mixes or even whey….I think due to the enhanced insulin. Insulin is a necessary bodily function but you just have to keep it under control. It serves a function don’t forget. It shuttles the nutrients you eat into cells. Eating beef is still much better than eating carbs because although it raises insulin considerably, it also raises glucagon. The insulin is coming out to deal with the amino acids, not sugar. Since it raises glucagon also your blood sugar remains relatively stable. However, there “is” a myth among low carbers regarding meat not raising insulin levels. Mostly due to a fear of insulin. In a normal-functioning metabolism, insulin goes up to signal body cells to absorb the glucose in the blood. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s supposed to work that way. When the glucose gets into the cells, then the insulin level goes back down. “

*Most low carbers don’t have a normal-functioning metabolism. Insulin stays elevated for HOURS, even after blood glucose levels come down, they have an elevated “basal” level of insulin sometimes high enough to interfere with fat oxidation, so they have a lot of trouble losing body fat; both of which lowering carbs is supposed to correct. *

This is known as the dawn phenomenon…google it to find out more, it is a NORMAL body process with eating less carbohydrates.

*Unless you have other problems going on, meat doesn’t raise glucose levels very much. If one has Insulin Resistance of the liver, the liver can’t or doesn’t release it’s glycogen stores very well. So a large surge of insulin can cause your blood glucose level to go too low, before the liver is finally coaxed into releasing it’s stored glycogen by the surge in adrenaline and cortisol. Protein is essential, carbs are not. Eating both protein and carbs results in additive effect on insulin production. You can only cut protein so much, but you can cut carbs dramatically. The real problem is that your insulin mechanism and the pancreas have a memory. Your insulin response to food is based on what you have been eating lately, not what you have eaten just then. It takes a day or two for your insulin response to food to change. However, I will say that if you are significantly insulin resistant and have either hypoglycemia or diabetes, that even if you are zero carb, too much protein can cause problems similar to too many carbs. People who have their insulin/glucagon response damaged and too much protein for me causes the same reactive hypoglycemia one gets with carb intake, so the insulin response is still too high for the glucagon to completely counteract it if you are not careful.

ANNNNNNNND some interesting studies I came across…


The effect of cigarette smoking on carbohydrate metabolism has been investigated in 10 diabetic and 18 non-diabetic subjects. All were habitual smokers. Neither the fasting plasma sugar nor the plasma sugar response to an oral glucose load was significantly altered by smoking. Serum insulin, free fatty acids, cholesterol and triglyceride were measured in 10 non-diabetic patients, and were not significantly altered by smoking. It is concluded that in habitual smokers at least, cigarette smoking does not impair carbohydrate metabolism. In addition, it seems that smoking before or during an oral glucose tolerance test is unlikely to influence the diagnostic value of the test.

Effect of exercise on the disposal of infused ketone bodies in humans.

Féry FBalasse EO.

Laboratory of Experimental Medicine, Free University of Brussels, Belgium.


We previously reported that the stimulatory effect of exercise on the metabolic clearance of ketone bodies in postabsorptive subjects is abolished when plasma ketone body concentrations are elevated above 4 mmol/L by prior fasting. In this study we determined whether this process is related to fasting or to hyperketonemia itself. Eight normal postabsorptive subjects were rendered artificially hyperketonemic (approximately 6 mmol/L) by a constant infusion of acetoacetate and exercised moderately for 2 h. The kinetics of ketone bodies were determined with [14C]acetoacetate or beta-[14C]hydroxybutyrate. The metabolic clearance was slightly increased (approximately 25%) at the beginning of exercise, but this phenomenon was subsequently amplified by the progressive fall in ketonemia, which decreased to about 4 mmol/L at the end of exercise. Taking into account the fact that the metabolic clearance of ketones is inversely related to their concentration, it could be estimated that the direct effect of exercise on the metabolic clearance is negligible. Thus, the inability of exercise to enhance the metabolic clearance of ketones at high physiological plasma ketone levels is a general phenomenon that applies to both endogenous and exogenous ketosis.

The effects of carbohydrate variation in isocaloric diets on glycogenolysis and gluconeogenesis in healthy men.

Bisschop PHPereira Arias AMAckermans MTEndert EPijl HKuipers FMeijer AJSauerwein HPRomijn JA.

Department of Endocrinology and Metabolism, Academic Medical Center, University of Amsterdam, The Netherlands.


To evaluate the effect of dietary carbohydrate content on postabsorptive glucose metabolism, we quantified gluconeogenesis and glycogenolysis after 11 days of high carbohydrate (85% carbohydrate), control (44% carbohydrate), and very low carbohydrate (2% carbohydrate) diets in six healthy men. Diets were eucaloric and provided 15% of energy as protein. Postabsorptive glucose production was measured by infusion of [6,6-2H2]glucose, and fractional gluconeogenesis was measured by ingestion of 2H2O. Postabsorptive glucose production rates were 13.0 +/- 0.7, 11.4 +/- 0.4, and 9.7 +/- 0.4 micromol/kg x min after high carbohydrate, control, and very low carbohydrate diets, respectively (P < 0.001 among the three diets). Gluconeogenesis was about 14% higher after the very low carbohydrate diet (6.3 +/- 0.2 micromol/kg x min; P = 0.001) compared to the control diet, but was not different between the high carbohydrate and control diets (5.5 +/- 0.3 vs. 5.5 +/- 0.2 micromol/kg x min). The rates of glycogenolysis were 7.5 +/- 0.5, 5.9 +/- 0.3, and 3.4 +/- 0.3 micromol/kg x min, respectively (P < 0.001 among the three diets). We conclude that under eucaloric conditions in healthy subjects, dietary carbohydrate content affects the rate of postabsorptive glucose production mainly by modulation of glycogenolysis. In contrast, dietary carbohydrate content affects the postabsorptive rate of gluconeogenesis minimally, as evidenced by only a slight increase in gluconeogenesis during severe carbohydrate restriction.

Gluconeogenesis and energy expenditure after a high-protein, carbohydrate-free diet.

Veldhorst MAWesterterp-Plantenga MSWesterterp KR.

NUTRIM School for Nutrition, Toxicology and Metabolism, Department of Human Biology, Maastricht University Medical Centre, Netherlands.


BACKGROUND: High-protein diets have been shown to increase energy expenditure (EE).

OBJECTIVE: The objective was to study whether a high-protein, carbohydrate-free diet (H diet) increases gluconeogenesis and whether this can explain the increase in EE.

DESIGN: Ten healthy men with a mean (+/-SEM) body mass index (in kg/m(2)) of 23.0 +/- 0.8 and age of 23 +/- 1 y received an isoenergetic H diet (H condition; 30%, 0%, and 70% of energy from protein, carbohydrate, and fat, respectively) or a normal-protein diet (N condition; 12%, 55%, and 33% of energy from protein, carbohydrate, and fat, respectively) for 1.5 d according to a randomized crossover design, and EE was measured in a respiration chamber. Endogenous glucose production (EGP) and fractional gluconeogenesis were measured via infusion of [6,6-(2)H(2)]glucose and ingestion of (2)H(2)O; absolute gluconeogenesis was calculated by multiplying fractional gluconeogenesis by EGP. Body glycogen stores were lowered at the start of the intervention with an exhaustive glycogen-lowering exercise test.

RESULTS: EGP was lower in the H condition than in the N condition (181 +/- 9 compared with 226 +/- 9 g/d; P < 0.001), whereas fractional gluconeogenesis was higher (0.95 +/- 0.04 compared with 0.64 +/- 0.03; P < 0.001) and absolute gluconeogenesis tended to be higher (171 +/- 10 compared with 145 +/- 10 g/d; P = 0.06) in the H condition than in the N condition. EE (resting metabolic rate) was greater in the H condition than in the N condition (8.46 +/- 0.23 compared with 8.12 +/- 0.31 MJ/d; P < 0.05). The increase in EE was a function of the increase in gluconeogenesis (DeltaEE = 0.007 x Deltagluconeogenesis – 0.038; r = 0.70, R(2) = 0.49, P < 0.05). The contribution of Deltagluconeogenesis to DeltaEE was 42%; the energy cost of gluconeogenesis was 33% (95% CI: 16%, 50%).

CONCLUSIONS: Forty-two percent of the increase in energy expenditure after the H diet was explained by the increase in gluconeogenesis. The cost of gluconeogenesis was 33% of the energy content of the produced glucose.

PS….will post some pictures when I get home tonight, after a feast 🙂

Gimme S’MORE!! Tuesday, Jan 11 2011 

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So to expand on my last post I think I just may share some thought provoking ‘stuff’ I have come across and how it entered my train of thought in eating disorder recovery. The more I read about obesity and starvation, the more I see a resemblance in the two disorders. If a person literally suffers a genetic mutation in the way their brain processes information, there is going to be a host of chemical misfirings and imbalances.

It is ALL in the head. But, being born as a person with a misfiring brain and obvious chemical deficiencies it blows my mind to read about what is really going on up there, why I really don’t see Mal in the mirror that is the Mal portrayed in pictures. There is a major genetic and biochemical component to both eating disorders and obesity (which I can probably lump into the ED category). While posing as opposite extremes of each other both have a great deal of difficulty either maintaining, gaining or losing weight. Research can only study and uncover so much information and even then, Campbell has shown us how skewed results can be when looking at studies.

Everyone has a bias and everyone thinks they’re right. If they weren’t then what would happen? No one would have opinions! But regardless the roles of leptin insulin and a range of hormones like ghrelin and the HPA axis of the brain are exceptionally important in weight regulation and hunger cueing.

Some research shows that obese people who are born with malfunctioning brains have uncontrollable appetites because of there misfiring. evolution in itself, the way we evolved and continue evolving (more horizontal evolving, lol), make it down right and damn near impossible to lose weight unconsciously once it has been gained. evolution would contribute to fat cells accumulating, and as it has happened over millions of years, they would ‘un-accumulate’ resulting in the feast vs. famine our ancestors faced.

For your average Joe who isn’t genetically mutated, hormones and neurology will effectively in most cases allow or feasting and famine, i.e. gaining and losing weight. But your body isn’t dumb, it catches on. The yoyo dieting only works so long, then you’re left with a fat confused body that is holding onto everything waiting for the next nutrient deficiency.

But either way you roll the dice, YOU as an individual WITH a functioning and working brain and body (because your reading this, I know you aint dead) have the MOST significant influence on your own mind and own body. You control your eating, your activity level and to an extent your dietary habits should always keep you in a genetically predisposed weight range. So instead of freaking out about every macronutrient, every food entity, every calories, gram, amino acid… but accept it. There’s things you can control BUT SHOULD NOT EVER make it a point to consciously do so.

This is where everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in life is going wrong. I will go out on a limb here and say THIS IS THE ULTIMATE DISEASE CAUSING, stress perplexing, and obesity rooted problem in America. People THINK that they have control over aspects of life that are, again evolutionarily speaking, NEVER supposed to be assumed, determined or even thought about. a job? Really, that’s relatively new to the human. an adaptation, we wake up to an alarm and sit at a desk for 8-10 hours a day. a hot shower? Again, really this is new to me about how 200 years ago we took a hot shower(and used soap or shampoo). Deliberately setting aside 1-2 hours a day to CONSCIOUSLY ‘workout?’. WRITING OUT, tallying, counting whatever you do food related so it can enter your body. Ohhh this is a biggie. What the fuck are you doing?

All these conscious efforts are the reason health is in such an upheaveled mess that it is today. Trying to have all this control is always going to be followed by failure, because you’re NOT EVER meant to be controlling the things  you do.

It sets up the mind of excess, those who do ‘this’ so they can feel okay with ‘that.’ when really, to begin with you should have even thought of ‘this’ and should have been actively living ‘that’ life. and in comes depression. The emotional attachment to the wrong-thoughted-world we live in heighten your risk of well, everything. From excessive food intake(because you read and mentally note a number of calories should be eaten everyday, for example). You have now set yourself up for disaster. Where exactly along the timeline of human life did someone think about a heat measurement for something that is supposed to go in your mouth and byproduct supply energy. THAT IS ALL FOOD IS, basic instincts drive us to eat it.

See, when you think about your food, you think about your intake, you think about your activity, you think about your so-called ‘healthy’ diet you’re interacting a STREAM of bodily reactions. Your body-brain system, namely your HPA axis is deregulated from energy expenditure and storage, which is mostly controls(not what you eat or think is healthy). It affects your appetite system, because this system in your body is NOT supposed to be based on when you think you should eat nor based around ‘meal times’. who the fuck eats 6 times a day? That’s ridiculous. YOUR OVERTHINKING THIS. Again, your appetite is mainly controlled by hormonal reactions based in your brain. Last you have the environment, the biological system you were born into which has impacted your eating patterns, what you ‘unconsciously think’ or SHOULDN’T BE thinking, and what is expected out of you.

I don’t know where exactly willpower centers in the body…like where it comes from? I have no idea, but it starts in the brain, I guarantee. But willpower is all you, thinking what you feel you ‘should be’ thinking. All the resulting changes in systems in your body change your social interactions, the context of how you view what is important in life, the meaning of what you see read or think, sooo sooo much. You are morphed into this brain that signals one message: you think and change when it matters to YOU and matters to your inborn environment, senses, and what it takes to ‘get along’ in life. See how selfish this is? See why eating disorders are selfish?

Willpower allows for it to keep happening, because you always have your guard up because you are ALWAYS thinking about aspects of life that should not even be considerable. And it does not stop there. Think about it. When you backtrack your eating disorder, you were not just overnight encompassed with this God-like ability to starvation upon yourself. It took willpower, and that willpower grew as your body shrunk. With each new nutritional deficiency, will power became stronger and stronger and your mind obsessively turned thought after thought which had NOTHING to do with the grand scheme of life. I did read that cognitive control, when repeated over time causes the cortex of the brain to use blood sugar more efficiently.

strange but to put it together, maybe while people are walking around stressing about X Y and Z which shouldn’t be in their brains to begin with, the repeated exposure to oddball mental states forces the chemical delivery in your brain to change resulting in obsession leading to depression and not just eating disorders, but MANY disorders. The lost ability of the chemical pathways in your brain to work correctly and how they should are not switched and focusing on large lump sums of ‘nothingness’ but to you, it’s all like incredibly crucial material.

This would improve you brain’s willpower and thus cause more blood sugar to be used, making weight loss easier. I don’t know; just think as I type here lol. Either way, for a disordered eater, CONSISTENCY in your own self-control is what’s killing you. Worrying about, as I showed selfishly earlier, shit that does not matter is making you and everyone else very very sick.

I think diets are retarded, as is the ‘desire’ to lose weight or gain weight, or exercise, or wake up to a clock every morning, or have to shuttle 80% of your income to student loans every month. It’s all flippin stupid! WORRY ABOUT THE HERE AND NOW and what life is really about. It’s random, UNPLANNED, beautiful, unpredictable, SOCIAL, loving, cherishing, a big ol learning experience. sorry, but health, body composition and weight should all be BY PRODUCTS OF THIS, and definitely NOT something you need to think about.


Hitler once said “People will swallow lies….provided they are big enough.”


I am going to harp on the vegetarians again, and in this same category, I will lump those who only get their sources of meat from stupid shit like chicken breasts and protein powder. Read up, low fat diet are killing your heart. Why? Maybe because your CONSCIOUSLY trying to keep your intake of fat low.


Stan, of the Heretic blog shows this: : “If anything, the literature shows a slight advantage of the high fat diet,” he said. “The focus on fat in dietary guidelines has been a massive distraction. … We should remove total fat from nutrition facts panels on the back of packs.”


Here, vegetarians are going to get heart disease(like how I jumped to that conclusion…keep hatin I love it. Denise of the RawFoodSOS blog recently did a post of heart disease and vegetarians. I recommend you read it, but I highlighted more than enough here :


What I want to talk about right now is one of the most oft-cited perks of being a vegetarian: an apparently lower risk of heart disease compared to omnivores. A recent paper called Chemistry Behind Vegetarianism sums it up by saying “Omnivores have a significantly higher cluster of cardiovascular risk factors compared with vegetarians, including increased body mass index, waist to hip ratio, blood pressure, plasma total cholesterol (TC), triacylglycerol and LDL-C levels, serum lipoprotein(a) concentration, plasma factor VII activity, ratios of TC/HDL-C, LDL-C/HDL-C and TAG/HDL-C, and serum ferritin levels.” As we know, gender and smoking influenced the serum hs-CRP level significantly. In our previous study, there are more males and smokers in the omnivore group that can influence the statistical power of difference of hs-CRP between both groups. Actually, it failed to demonstrate a significant difference if male and female samples were analyzed separately. The surprising results? The vegetarians had significantly thicker arterial walls (p<0.0001), reduced flow-mediated dilation (a predictor of cardiovascular events) (p<0.0001), higher blood pressure (p<0.05), and higher triglycerides (p<0.05) than the omnivores. (According to the paper, the raised blood pressure might be related to some popular high-sodium vegetarian foods such as processed protein food substitutes, fake oyster sauce, and tomato paste.) In the researchers’ multivariate statistical models, vegetarianism had the strongest association with both artery thickness and diminished flow-mediated dilation out of all the variables documented—including age, gender, and triglyceride levels. As might be expected, the vegetarians also had lower B12 levels and higher homocysteine than the control group—but even after adjusting for these, vegetarianism remained strongly linked with less-healthy hearts. The researchers concluded with this: In summary, contrary to common belief, vegetarians, at least in the Chinese, might have accelerated atherosclerosis and abnormal arterial endothelial function, compared with omnivore control subjects. The increased risk could only be partially explained by their higher blood pressure, triglyceride, homocysteine, and lower vitamin B12 concentrations.

But just for kicks, let’s see what those sensationalist medical journals are trying to scare us with:

Vitamin B12 deficiency is associated with coronary artery disease in an Indian population. “Also, vegetarians were found to have significantly lower vitamin B12 concentrations (p=0.0001) and higher incidence of [coronary artery disease] (p=0.01).”

Vitamin B-12 and homocysteine status among vegetarians: a global perspective. “Overall, the studies we reviewed showed reduced mean vitamin B-12 status and elevated mean homocysteine concentrations in vegetarians, particularly among vegans. … Hyperhomocysteinemia is associated with an increased risk of atherosclerosis and cardiovascular disease.”

Vitamin B12 and homocysteine status in asymptomatic Indian toddlers. “We studied the prevalence of V B(12) deficiency and hyperhomocysteinemia in 51 asymptomatic toddlers, from Pune, India. V B(12) levels were low and total serum homocysteine was high in 14% and homocysteine levels were significantly higher in boys. Programming for cardiovascular risk in adulthood possibly starts at a very young age through the homocysteine axis.”

German vegan study: diet, life-style factors, and cardiovascular risk profile. “Although TC and LDL concentrations were favorable, low HDL and elevated homocysteine and Lp(a) concentrations were unfavorable. Overall, these results confirm the notion that a vegan diet is deficient in vitamin B(12), which may have an unfavorable effect on CHD risk.”


Also, thanks to one of my commenters I have checked out Dr Rosedale and what he has to offer my ever education oriented mind: “[People] get fat by not being able to burn it. And, that is 100% controlled by hormones (leptin and insulin)…”


Don of Primal Wisdom will point out why red meat does ANYTHING BUT cause women strokes here: where he states: This study didn’t show that eating a diet rich in red meat causes strokes.  On the contrary, it showed that at least 95% of people who eat the so-called high meat diet don’t suffer strokes.  It also showed that if you massage the data correctly, you get a result that will get media attention and support conventional preconceptions.


Still not satisfied, here:

A study by Cho, et. al. showed that women in the Nurses Study who had the highest fat intake had the lowest cancer rates. This was purported to show that an Atkins-type diet was unhealthy, but the data differed significantly from the conclusions.


Women who ate the most fat, the 5th quintile, had lower cancer rates than those who ate less fat (3rd and 4th quintiles.)

Those with very low animal fat intake had the lowest cancer rates.

The cancer rates in all quintiles was less than 1%, with rates between 0.68%-0.88% so differences are not really significant

Similar studies do not differentiate saturated fat intake from vegetable sources which is more dangerous than from animal saturated fats which may have very different effects.


And here, if you think good protein will damage your kidney or magically induce cancer when it is from freaking REAL FOOD: One thing is certain: low-protein diets depressed normal growth, increased the susceptibility to many toxins, killed toxin-exposed animals earlier, induced fatty liver, and increased the development of pre-cancerous lesions when fed during the initiation period of chemical carcinogenesis.


What do I think of all this, dietarily speaking?


  • There is NO advantage to eating less meat, especially fatty meat
  • There is no advantage to replacing meat with vegetables
  • Grain based diets, or those including are the biggest cause of hyperinsulimea. More the reason for a person in recovery to avoid because, there’s no evolution backing its consumption, and anorexics suffer hyperinsulemia while gaining weight
  • Grains and beans and even vegetables contain antinutrients, meaning your body nets more NEGATIVE nutrient leeching from eating them.
  • Up to 65% of what you think you’re getting from your high fruit and vegetable diet IS NOT EVEN BEING ABSORBED BY YOUR BODY


And lastly, being the practicing Roman Catholic girl I am as well as having many religious conscious readers in recovery, I will leave you with some interesting tid bits:

In Genesis 9:3: “Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. I have given you all things, even as the green herbs.”

In Genesis 18:8 the Lord comes down and visits with Abraham. During that visit it is recorded that God Himself- ate butter, meat, and raw milk. (So we know that since it’s in there, He wanted us to see that He gave His stamp of approval to these food sources.)

God commanded His priest to eat meat on at least 7 different occasions in the Old Testament. It is recorded that Jesus himself, ate fish and lamb, and on many occasions fed others meat, encouraged the catching of fish for food, and even cooked it.

Does it even make sense to claim that God wants us to only eat vegetables when He himself ate and encouraged the eating of meat?




Post Holiday Binge Monday, Nov 29 2010 

A BINGE ON HAPPINESS MIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a sick sort of twisted way I got a kick out of the first passing holiday this year. One year ago, come thanksgiving I was flipping out about having to eat turkey injected with sodium phosphate (which in the grand scheme of things is not a big deal) and refused to even eat the thanksgiving turkey my mom slaved over all morning. There was no real rhyme or reason to this, I just freaked out about food anyone made- it wasn’t pure or comfortable or something. IT WASN’T THE SAME AS I WAS USE TO EVERY SINGLE DAY IN AND DAY OUT OF MY RUDUNDANT POINTLESS EXISTENCE at the time.

LAST year, I brought my own free range chicken and cooked it in a toaster oven and served myself a roast chicken while avoiding 100% of everything my mama made. Holy shit, I am so ashamed of what I did. It was around this time last year, post thanksgiving, that my older brother and parents saw me start going downhill again. Everything became repetitive, and when you eat zero carb which I did at the time (meat only) and you become repetitive…well there’s a problem. I was eating the same thing same amount everyday. Eventually it led to weight loss (which nutritional deficiencies do) and relapse at the beginning of this year. Obviously, February of this year I got on the primal bandwagon and would venture a bet that I have tried every single vegetable, fruit, nut and meat available to me.

Then there was this year. I was more worried about what to bring than ever. The possibilities were endless! I could make pumpkin pie, chocolate strawberries, coconut balls….I was excited, about making food. This was a first. I ended up choosing to season and bake apples and made a coconut whipped cream for on top. YUM.  It T’WAS delicious. I also took part in every primal offering at thanksgiving, INCLUDING smashed white taters! No biggie, really. I was hungry. I made sure I would be hungry for feasting at thanksgiving because that’s what normal people do! Then when I was done I was full, but not obnoxiously I need to take a nap full, just stuffed. The onlookers (my family) seemed more amazed at my ability to talk, be normal and calm than myself. IT WAS JUST FOOD. But looking back on this year, I think it was the first time since I moved out of my house, gained weight, and have sat down to a family dinner with both parents and both brothers. The look on their faces when I scooped up the smashed taters (which I had smashed hah) was priceless. I was confident. I more than deserved the looks from my family as I have put them through endless shit the past years- its just one of those things you need to accept and take in stride. And I am guessing they were simply speechless and astounded by my recovery and ‘saneness’.

So yes, this year, for the first time in some 7 years past, I got a fluttery stick up my ass of comic relief from thanksgiving. The turkey(and leftover like 15lbs I have recently devoured) was amazing. I even went out with some people from work turkey deep frying and got a whole one to myself. I thought about the peanut oil it was fried in, but it surely did not stop me from eating this amazing beast of a bird- primal or not. My smashed taters were good I suppose-I think they are tasteless but whatever. The green beans had cooked all day in ham hock and were from my mama’s garden. The sauerkraut…well I love it and you can’t really mess it up ha-ha. Overall wonderful. I am thankful for my family being together for a meal, all of us, for the first time in like 5 years due to my brothers being overseas with deployment. It was great. One big happy healthy family. That’s like the only thing I pray for in life.




This shows a lot. About my progress, my well being, and the loss of the selfishness an eating disorder places on every sufferer. You have to accept recovery. You have to live your life WITHOUT your eating disorder. It cannot tag along with you just because you function in your day to day life. You are still suffering, still obsessing and still stuck if this is you. ACCEPT trashing what it is that is holding you back and begin, or keep pushing toward your path in recovery. The holidays are FUN, they’re exciting, unpredictable. They are much like everyday life SHOULD be. Full of love and laughter.


NOW, another side topic rantability by yours truly. I CANNOT GIVE YOU ADVICE ON HOW MUCH FOOD TO EAT, HOW MANY CALORIES TO CONSUME, WHAT KIND OF FOOD TO EAT or WHEN TO EAT IT. My recovery is NOT your recovery. You will never get macro consumption advice, exercise advising or ANYTHING LIKE IT. I have portrayed in my blog through my writing what has worked for me. It isn’t about food and it never will be. It is about separating yourself and your fake ED identity and accepting life without it. You find your own recovery by doing this. You cannot live vicariously through me. First of all that’s sick, and second you aren’t me and you never will be. I didn’t follow anyone when I began recovery. I picked one simple unarguable concept to eat real food. I did that. I became healthy. I sat ON MY ASS. When I started eating real food in copious amounts I WAS IN KNEE IMMOBILIZERS, unable to even take a shit or shower on my own. I did NOT MOVE for close to 3 months. Yes, giving up exercise is possible. I did it for years. It is part of recovery, the sitting on your ass and getting pissed you have to eat. Crying about being still. Frustrated you’re just sitting in the moment while your brain is moving a  million miles an hour. But until you experience this and accept this it will not go away. Your fear of giving up what you hold onto so strongly won’t just go away. You cannot recovery from anorexia just by eating more BUT STAYING EXACTLY THE SAME in every motion of your life.

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The Many Moods of Mal Wednesday, Apr 21 2010 

Just a re-cap on how I am feeling today haha….

Just Not Comfortable… Saturday, Feb 20 2010 

You learn by living. You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt

I am at a BMI of 16… I have not had a BMI of 16% in 5 or 6 years. I am freaking out. I want to be able to express my fear and feelings in this blog and I am FREAKING OUT. My ED is RIGHT here on my shoulder like a damn devil. You know good angel, bad devil! That’s what I feel like sometimes. On one shoulder there is “Mal you are FINALLY getting healthy.” The other says “Mal you are getting so damned fat and out of control!” back and forth and back and forth.

I do not believe I am a “naturally” thin person, nor is it in my genes. I cannot seem to come to terms with that. I don’t know where my body naturally falls, but 16 BMI is NOT where it is meant to be. I think my main problem is that I got use to for the past many years seeing myself as okay at a low weight. It became “normal” for me to see myself as I did and now that it is changing and I automatically assume it is horrible and bad. I automatically distort what I see and it makes me feel horrible.

Given, I have had something off with my stomach the past couple of days. Strange bowel movements and noise, bad bowels…but still, I feel huge. In the past my “recovery” has been up down up down up down in weight and always maintaining that safe net zone I had. Now I am above it and in the past 2 months my weight has done anything BUT go down. It has been a steady up. This is all so new and frightening to me.

There is freedom from this I know there is. I have to fight for it though. It is not easy, at all. I want my safety zone back and I want to still be comfortable in my skin. Right now, I am NOT confortable in my skin. God forbid someone put me in a skin binding outfit I would absolutely freak the F(#K out. Leggings, sweat pants are what I feel like being in. given for my job I get fixed up nice everyday, but it involves a looser shirt. Good thing they seem to be “in style” now.

Good things: I am that much closer to regaining my fertility, I may start to look my age(I still get carded buying cigarettes), I AM obviously more in control than my ED, I have a strange sense of responsibility in my own recovery which I never had before, I AM determined to beat this, I am slowly gaining a respect for food and cooking rather than an out-lash of fury, I don’t have any regrets in recovering because I keep trucking through

Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts

I feel like I am trying to reach some finish line, a goal or destination. While this is in a way a good thing, I don’t believe recovery has a “finish line.” I don’t think there is a race to win. I think it is a life long process and ever evolving scenario in which I am building my mind and learning myself. I don’t think I will magically wake up one morning and be free from food related stuff, but I do think I will wake up one day and feel my journey is steady, and food is “okay.”

I also think there HAS to be something I need to face in recovery. Maybe by blogging it will come out eventually- feelings, something that happened, and something that shaped me. But I have yet to figure out what that may be.

I talked to my parents about how well I have been doing and my mom told me “you’re acting more like yourself.” So others notice! I also mentioned my passive aggressive attitude which is something both my dad and I suffer in doing. I still don’t know how to fix it. It is like I can feel it coming and there is no stopping it. The only way to get over it is to voice some self hate mentally and take a walk. People at work say I am acting like my old self again and I was being an isolated hermit at my desk a month ago. People were coming to me telling me how quiet I was and they didn’t even know I was in the office. That in itself should have been a sign for me of a problem because I am usually outspoken and high spirits in the office, always smiling, joking and laughing.

I am starting to feel like I am losing my label as the girl with “issues” or the girl with the “unknown mood.” AKA losing my anorexia label. This is scary, but I think the life waiting without that label is looking good. It is unknown, uneasy, and confusing, but it is looking GOOD. I am thinking of sharing my blog with my parents… ideas, experience, good/bad?? I want them to come across it on the web themselves if they are interested… but I don’t know how to attach my blog of google searches…

How do I make my blog pop up on a search if someone wanted to find my blog?

First meatless Friday went well besides the fact I found out I DO NOT like flounder…wayyy to fishy tasting for me. I resorted to many eggs and lots of coconut mayo and cheese(hah go figure). I tried eggplant! It is good I like it!

Recipe I plan on trying this week!!


  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 6 small portobello mushroom caps, stems and ribs removed
  • 1/2 cup cream cheese, softened
  • 1/2 green bell pepper, diced
  • 3/4 cup roasted red pepper hummus
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 1 teaspoon lemon pepper seasoning


 Plans this weekend- I am painting my room and moving in my dresser/bed today! Me and my mom are fixin to leave soon! I am NEVER awake this early on a Saturday- I wish I was still sleeping lol. Then I plan to play tennis because it might get up to 68 today!!! There is a baseball game at USM I might go check out afterwards as well with the frat guys. May call up boy and do something, but I am not sure because I feel really gross in my skin right now and I don’t want it to out lash in a bad date. While I am doing well in recovery I almost feel ashamed to present my body in public because I am SOO uncomfortable. How do you guys deal with this???

What are your plans this weekend? Have any good eggplant recipes??





TMI and My Aggressive Mind Thursday, Feb 18 2010 

Forewarning if poop talk grosses you out skip this paragraph! We will start with the TMI… more meals=more food=more #2’s. I am going poopidy pooh like 2-3 times a day, and for me, this is so new. I use to go like clock work everyday around noon or 1pm. Now, it is umm pretty much unpredictable. I don’t exactly mind but this morning come 1030am I poopidy poohed for 30 minutes straight. Now I know why people take books to the potty. I never understood before. I use to be like dude go in there get your business done and get out. Well, all the poopidy pooh made me start counting tiles on the floor and finding patterns in the wall. Bad habit- not sure why I do that. Anyway, on a good note my #2’s seem very normal, light colored and soft, easy to get out etc. But goodness gracious there is a LOT of substance to them. Is this normal? Like gallon size #2’s I mean? Haha so gross I apologize this is all so new to me though.

 If anyone is wondering HOW I got in 2481 calories (somehow I have a feeling this number will be stuck in my head for a while) here’s what I ate:

Chicken and a yellow shredded squash cooked in butter/spices, with butter added to bowl and shredded raw cheddar to cover the top completely.

Kale Chips soaked in olive oil (I over salted them so I poured oil in the bowl hoping to counteract…?)

Boiled egg with coconut mayo and 2 chicken livers with butter

About a cup or two of dark meat chicken dipped in coconut mayo & sour cream/chives (two dips makes me eat more)

This is where it gets embarrassing… about 1/3 cup of almond butter, 3T of tahini, and ¼ cup mascarpone cheese mixed in a bowl and ¼ cup sour cream.

2-3 oz of raw cheddar and a pickle

Chunk of queso fresco cheese

Good golly…no wonder I am “going” so much…

 Second up is Lent Season. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday which marks the beginning of Lent in the Roman Catholic religion, which I am. Long shpeal short one is supposed to fast all day, eat no meat and then when the sun goes down you can eat. This is to be performed every Friday of Lent for forty days and nights. On top of no meat and fasting Friday’s one is to sacrifice something which is hard for them. Here is where I am on a roll! On the fasting front, I got my priest’s blessing last night to not participate in the fasts due to “medical reasons.” This is the 5th year running I have no been able to participate fully in Lent and next year this time I fully plan to be able to comply with the “rituals” of the Lent season. Anywho, no meat Fridays is going to be a huge deal to me. Meat is the center and largest portion of my diet. Well over half my calories are comprised of meat. This in itself is a sacrifice for Lent. But besides that, I decided to “sacrifice” my disordered mind during the lent season so I set a couple of goals. By the way, I was fixin to go to mass after work yesterday and pull into this incredibly over packed parking lot. I am talking cars behind parked cars and NO where to turn or move. Once I pulled in I was stuck. I went around a curve in between cars and was headed toward…a dead end. I had to reverse BACK through the parking lot with like 50 other cars trying to do the same thing at the same time and it was a mess. I thought for sure I would be pulling out my insurance information because I reversed into a car. Not to mention, mass that I thought started at 6 (It starts at 6 EVERY Wednesday) started at 5. Nice, so I caught the priest and asked him to bless and ash me and he did. Good ol Irish priest he is.

             Goal #1: Include one meal a day that is meat free

            Goal #2: Stop STOP STOP saving calories for night time. I tend to save up my appetite for night time and go to bed uncomfortably full and bloated the next morning. I eat just enough to get by during the day and like 80% of my calories come from dinner & a snack. Not good. Needs changing, so I am adding smaller frequent meals.

            Goal #3: Stop making snacks bigger than meals. I don’t know WHY I do this but I do.

            Goal #4: Conquer chickpeas and winter squash by the end of Lent- meaning, I have to be okay with eating either with any meal, at any time. I am scared of them due to their carbohydrate content but I DO like them both, A LOT.

            Goal #5: Spend at least 20-30 minutes with my parents after I eat dinner. Our get-home-from-work-schedules are not in-sync so I end up eating by myself every night. While I am totally comfortable with it, going into dinner I become this passive aggressive beast so before, during and after dinner I pretty much despise the world, have an attitude and the last thing I want to do is be around people. This is usually a time I cling to the internet and read blogs. So the jist of the goal is deal with my anger, and stop turning to the internet 24/7. I like to be “hidden” and away from the world and that needs to change especially considering I will be living with a guy in 2 weeks.

            Goal #6: Read the bible at least 10-15 minutes before I go to sleep.

 Now I may not beat and defeat every single one everyday but it gives my something to actively pursue everyday mentally besides my current how I can cut back food or how I can skimp here or there.I may not read the bible on the weekends because well I hope to get a life and have something to do. One thing I refuse to do is go all day without eating. I am really really good at fasting, it has never phased me in the least bit. It is almost too easy for me to simply not eat all day which is probably why I have a habit of eating a lot at night. Eating during the day makes me uncomfortable and then I sit and analyze it all day and worry about later. But the reality is later will still be what I want to eat regardless of what I eat during the day… humph I cannot seem to make the connections that food will be there 24/7 and I can have it WHENEVER I fancy and not when my ED fancies.

 I am probably the most passive aggressive person I know. Given you cant pinpoint people who are passive aggressive, because duh, it is passive. But anything that ticks me off, turns me the wrong way or simply causes me anxiety and stress is all taken out on myself and my food. It is like if I get worked up and anxious I immediately take it all out on food. Its strange to actually write that because it sounds so darn silly, but really when I am mad, it becomes all about food. My mind starts hating me and pretty much anything but the thing is no one knows. I take it out with self hate, torment, and food restriction or rituals. Seems I get like this a lot too. I think it may be partly linked to the fact that certain things really annoy me. Like my lunch hour not being at 1pm everyday, the lady who works directly across from me who hums ALL day, people who get paid to walk around the office all day, space cadets I work with, slow people (this is mean I am sorry), and walking in the break room everyday to be overtaken by the grossly sweet smell of king cake, donuts, brownies, cookies- take your pick. That in itself pisses me off beyond belief. Then there are the ladies I work with (all overweight, save one of them) and bless their hearts, but they talk diet and nutrition all the time. Fat free oatmeal every morning for cholesterol or Cheerios because the BOX says it helps lower cholesterol (and this fact by the way is SO totally wrong) with skim milk, reduced fat wheat thins (hm wheat thin… didn’t know it was possible to make it sound any “healthier”). People ruining their health right before my eyes drives me UP THE WALL. I seriously wish I could just scream EAT REAL FOOD LIKE FROM THE EARTH!!!! They are ALL on blood pressure meds, cholesterol “lowering drugs,” hormone pills and a hoist of other junk. Ok rant over. But see where I get so damned annoyed and passive? I also notice that when people look at me I immediately assume they are thinking I am fat or have gained weight. Either that or they are starring RIGHT AT my stomach… insecure much? Why does everything get twisted in my mind? It enters my brain and from there is totally ED-skewed and comes out a mess but a comfort at the same time.

 Found some more yummy stuff to try!


 3 egg yolks room temperature
1 1/2 – 2 cups olive oil
3-5 tablespoons lemon juice or wine vinegar
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 teaspoon mustard



1 15-ounce cans of garbanzo beans

SPLASH lemon juice
1/4 cup tahini
1/4 cup olive oil

1-2 cloves garlic, crushed (to taste)
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
Pinch of cayenne pepper

Pinch of cumin

Pinch of paprika



1 cup basil

2-5 cloves garlic

1/2 cup Romano cheese (or parm.)

salt to taste

 1/4-1 cup olive oil