And Then There was Mal… Wednesday, Feb 1 2012
Uncategorized anorexia recovery, consequences, evolutionary diet, fasting, fertility, fitness magazine, food, intermittent fasting, lifting weight, meal plan, mental illness, nutrition, OCD, paleo, paleolithic, primal, recovery, right nutrition, rituals, vegetarian, weight gain, weight lifting, weight loss, workout 11:48 AM
It is About Correct Restriction & Control Friday, Jul 15 2011
Uncategorized addicition, anorexia, anorexia recovery, brain firing, consequences, dopamine, evolutionary diet, fake food, food, food addicition, food timing, fullness, habits, happiness, ketogenic diet, meal plan, nutrition, OCD, overly tasty food, paleo, primal, recovery, rituals, stimulation, tasty food, weight gain, weight loss 3:02 PM
The more I read, the more I read….the more everything will always make sense, connect, interconnect and then make no sense whatsoever. I love that. This is the exact reason I find myself often getting lost in studying the human brain in relation to our bodies- nobody will ever be able to dissect it. You can’t find the meaning of all the bodies abilities nor its faults and disorders. It is crazy, intriguing and soooo so interesting. But for this post, I have been pondering binge eating and recovery in general. I have one conclusion so far…people, and especially doctors/clinics/dieticians/nutritionists and any ‘unsufferer’ will approach recovery with straight up delusion:
de-lu-sion [dih-loo-zhuhn] Noun. 1. An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality, typically a symptom of mental disorder.
There are people, then there are those with eating disorders. There are healthy brains, and then there are miswired brains. Note, these are not unhealthy brains, they are just different from the evolutionarily accepted ‘normal’ brain. You’re different. You always will be. Accept that. No recovery is going to cure or fix your miswired brain just like the guy born with one arm will never have both. Oh well… now, whatta we do about that? Well, your run-of-the-mill doctor is going to tell you in recovery ‘every food is good in moderation.’ Right, try telling that to someone who is well over 50% below their body weight/fat set-point. No, and bash me now, but every ‘food’ is not okay in moderation and MANY foods are harmful in recovery in any moderation. (Disclaimer: This is my opinion, I am not a doctor just a successful recoveree.)
Systematically, food, and the result your body/brain take on food (expenditure) is so complex it’s almost worth not even worth considering. There are a billion neural systems activated but biologically the main factor lies in maintenance of an adequate supply of nutrients which will result in energy balance- homeostasis, ahhhh. Now, intertwined in this there are hormonal regulations, ingestion, storage, allergies, and BRAIN firing- plus the three million other problems and side effects which happen when you restimulate the body of a malnourished individual. Fact is, the second that you think about food, smell food, prepare food there is a huge generation of behavioral, autonomic, and endocrine output. Your hypothalamus plays a crucial role in this(which is why I blab so much about a deregulated HPA in eating disorders), and in the homeostatic function in your body. This comes from previous experience with food, prior food thoughts and prior food relations/habits/rituals. It even goes as far back as your childhood diet and actions regarding food way back when. Just the smell of food will send firing from your brain to your body regarding reward, emotions and the social context of the moment as well as past occurrences. ANY, read this again….ANY pathological malfunction or lack of adaptation in the brain’s relationship with food will cause problems. These problems are not always eating disorders but are usually food/health related. Some people are born with pathological obesity. Some will get diabetes, heart disease, cancer soooooooooo much more. But for now, you see how complex this all is.
Note I mentioned all food is not fair game in recovery. I really, truly believe in finding a manageable homeostasis via REAL food (see Free the Animal, Mark’s Daily Apple, Robb Wolf, Archevore, HuntGatherLove, Whole Health Source…most of my blogroll for real food). No packages, no bags, fresh whole real food. Trust me, when you put steak and eggs on ‘no limit to consumption’ category you find out real quick how self limiting the food is. Same goes with foods even of the sweet essence which is a main trigger for eating disordered individuals. Baking three rows of sweet potatoes and allowing yourself free access to 5 pounds of PLAIN potatoes is self limiting. Same goes for plain fruit.You fill up real quick. The reward for your recovery here is your LOSS of interest in food. This loss of interest takes food-on-the-mind-always-looking-for-next-meal to how your body feels when you eat, how you digest food, what food you handle well, and how your blood sugar reacts to food. Seriously, stuff yourself silly on sweet potatoes, cooked plain with nothing added and you realize how sucky and uncomfortably full you are- even try it with rice. Bloated, and uninterested in food. Try it with steak…same result.
Real food is self limiting; it releases your fear IF YOU ALLOW IT of uncontrollable binging. I try not to write a lot about binging because I am no expert but if I saw something like oreos, chocolate cake, or the ever promoted ‘health food’ like fat free yogurt, cereal and oatmeal, chex mix, fiber one bars, protein powder, fat free peanut butter powder as ‘food’ then, therein my brain would have a huge problem. Namely, that stuff isn’t food. I don’t associate food that is not food as such. When I see a box of oreos I think…WTF is that. Really… that’s gross someone puts it in their bodies to me. Orthorexic? Again not in my opinion, oreos are not and will never be meant for human consumption- please, I will pee my pants if you try and convince me they are. Same goes for dairy products which have been pasteurized and have the fat removed from them (can we say processed!!).
But, like all things the ‘cure’ is not all in the diet. You can eat immense amounts of self limiting food but until you tackle the emotions and behavioral attachments, you’re still stuck. Researching addiction you find that it’s about brain chemistry. Neural psychology studies the way the brain wires itself and how it makes us behave the way we do. But, like I mentioned earlier there is no forever cure. You don’t just change your brain chemistry because you eat real food. If you don’t get to the root of your problems in your thought process and resonate with why you do what you do, then you’re going to be stuck with the same emotional s*it but in a healthier body.
The first two steps, after ACCEPTANCE in recovery lie in eating REAL food and maintaining real nourishment. But an even bigger personal step totally unrelated to weight and recovery is learning to verbalize why we do what we do and why we seem to have so little control over certain behaviors(like binging and constant food preoccupation). Anyone who has starved themselves into a catecholamine high or anyone who has caught themselves in an unreal situation post binging on 923456234 calories knows that once you start it is HARD AS ALL LIVING HELL to stop. This, on both sides of the see-saw is all in your brain.
Catecholamines are “fight-or-flight” hormones released by the adrenal glands in response to stress. They are part of the sympathetic nervous system.They are called catecholamines because they contain a catechol or 3,4-dihydroxyphenyl group. They are derived from the amino acid tyrosine.In the human body, the most abundant catecholamines are epinephrine (adrenaline), norepinephrine (noradrenaline) and dopamine, all of which are produced from phenylalanine and tyrosine. Various stimulant drugs are catecholamine analogs.
So why do we go to extremes? Why do we starve or why do we feel an uncontrollable love-hate urge to stuff a box of oreos in a gallon of cake icing and go to town? This unearth feeling of losing all control makes you stop thinking rationally and you do all kinds of stuff, most notably all the bad behavior you’re trying to fix. SO instead of spending endless hours and sleepless nights trying to figure out why you starve or why you binge you just need to accept that your brain chemistry is abnormal and that’s life. You need to learn to manage it with food- reeeeeeal food. The reason could come from a variety of shit that happened in THE PAST, but guess what, RIGHT NOW in this moment and in your recovery you need to realize that at some point along the way your brain chemistry CHANGED, and that change brought your new wiring, a new you. Regardless of whether you got raped, whether you were a fat kid or whether you faced immensely damaging trauma… the reason for your problem now is because at some point you rewired your brain such that binging or starving sets off some kind of reward. End of story, you can’t argue that.
For the binger, take a minute to realize that if you lost interest in high fat, high sugar food before it was consumed you wouldn’t have the fat stores to reproduce and you wouldn’t be in a predicament to begin with. But your brain has been rewired so this is the case You were born with a brain that expects to get real food, and take the real nutrition from it and use it accordingly. Problem is, in the current age we suffer through we are constantly bombarded by extremely tasty food and it is super cheap and always available with very, very little effort. HYPERPALITABOLIY RUNS OUR LIVES. From feeling overly intense emotions to having overly stimulating food around at all hours everyday it’s damn near impossible to learn normal. And all this junk food, fake food and processed food has got everything combined together…salt, sugar, fake fat, plus a bolus of added flavor enhancers (MSG anyone??) and artificial goodness (modified food starch, splenda). From a very good read, I recommend to everyone at GNOLLS:
Characteristics Of Successful Snack Food(aka…addictive food)
If you were to design a profitable and successful snack food, you’d want it to have several characteristics: http://www.gnolls.org/2074/why-snack-food-is-addictive-the-grand-unified-theory-of-snack-appeal/
- It would be made of cheap ingredients, allowing a high profit margin.
Since our government heavily subsidizes industrial grain production, you’d make them of grains and grain products…corn, wheat, and soy. Mostly corn, because it’s so heavily overproduced that we’re forced, by law, to feed it to our cars!
- It would be shelf-stable and require no preparation, so that it could be kept without refrigeration, taken anywhere, and eaten at any time.
Therefore, you’d make it out of highly-processed ingredients that are shelf-stable, pump it full of preservatives so that it could survive for months in a vending machine, and enclose it in lots of disposable packaging so it wouldn’t get damaged in transit.
- It would concentrate the tastes we’ve evolved to enjoy far beyond their natural amounts, and as much as our technology allows.
This would be the supernormal stimuli of fatty, salty, umami, and sweet: MSG, crystalline sugar, seed oils, fruit juices, “natural and artificial flavors”.
- Finally, it would not be satiating.
No matter how much you ate, you would never be satisfied.
Every time you allow yourself to partake in a meal of unreal food the malfunctioning neural circuits which we have accepted do not work correctly are strengthened- like a cocaine addict who takes just one more hit. Now you are left completely at a loss when trying to figure out why you do what you do you and resort to assuming helplessness. The only blame is the part of your brain that aint working but you needed to have accepted it. Most of ‘our’ minds operate purely on impulse so doing something like saying I WILL NEVER BIINGE OR STARVE AGAIN probably won’t get you too far. Same with self blame and self hate- reaction to impulse.
- Our brains are going to have f8cked up neural circuits and they are going to fire, you just have to engage other circuits to weaken them (eat real food, plain). You can’t reinforce them 24/7
- Don’t do stupid things. If you binige, you’re going to eat all the oreos if you buy them. Don’t go browsing the junk food isle at the gas station, don’t drool over a vending machine and do your best to turn the channel when the new brownie cereal commercial comes on.
Seriously, many people will waste their entire lives suffering because they would rather die, lose a foot; lose their vision than give up _______. Stop being a baby, use your noggin and accept it. Food while healing is medication. Some is off limits- A LOT IS NOT.
Hormones: most binge eaters want to binge after a ‘normal meal’. Read up on hypoglycemia and how to manage it with a lower carbohydrate lifestyle. Eating sugary, starchy crap in the context of suffering hypoglycemia is going to whack out your blood glucose and insulin around and make you hungry and further increase your cravings. It’s a cycle…
A smart man once said this:
“We must realize, however, that all living cells are continuously subject to imperfect nutrition and that overt mental disease is known to result from malnutrition, as, for example, in pellagra. In the light of these considerations, we would be foolhardy indeed to take for granted that the nutrition of the brain cells is automatically satisfactory in those who are afflicted or threatened with mild or severe mental disease.” -Dr. Roger J, Williams, writing in Nutrition Against Disease.
In the book, Nutrition Against Disease, author Dr. Roger J, Williams points out that like all other living cells, brain cells often receive less than perfect nutrition. He goes on to observe that brain cells get nutrition from blood, which in turn gets its nutrients from the food we eat each day.At first, it takes a while to get past that and let your body readjust to a new way. Psychologically, your brain may want to get that rush back, even at the expense of feeling bad later. It’s the same reason why people like to smoke. They cultivate an addiction and then enjoy the pleasure of satiating that addiction. So you need to deal with:
Filling a void.
Making up for previous deprivation in life.
Fear of deprivation.
Fear of change.
It has to do with healthfulness, and mindfulness, and gratitude, and forgiveness. It has to do with having a free mind, and using food to fuel that beautiful, free (yet oddly functioning) mind.
To geek out on you, in relation to your brain, an unidentified woo I admire quoted this: Low dopaminergic tone is one critical pathophysiological process in obesity.Dopamine is a major metabolic regulator. A key feature of garden variety obesity, as well as hibernation, is a functional downregulation of dopamine receptors. Dopamine binding completely orients cell-level metabolism around in favor of glucose metabolism. This prevents hyperinsulinemia. Peripheral dopamine binding suppresses insulin production from the pancreas, preventing hypoglycemia after eating, and prenting lipogenesis. When dopamine is blocked, or when dopamine receptors are functionally downregulated during obesity (glucose excess results in the downregulation), the cells shift to a preference for fat metabolism, which paradoxically induces glucose intolerance and hyperinsulinemia and fat gain. Low dopamine also reduces psychomotor activity (energy-sparing) and promotes sleepiness/inattentiveness, another common complaint in obesity as well as in hibernation. One thing neither talked about is the most satifying foods are fats. Only carbs have a special neuropeptide that modulates the hypothalamic tracts. That directly modulates the median forebrain bundle……Carbs…..not fat of protein. Behavior is a result of what the brain is perceiving(aka the reaction to unreal food).
Emily Deans of Evolutionary Psychology says : Even if we assume there is no specific “brain disorder” that causes binging, it seems clear to me that most binge eaters have at least a conditioned psychological aversion to food. This is why they binge. They try to restrict or moderate their intake during the day only to gorge on it later in a binge. Even if we assume there is no neurobiology causing binging the way there is causing heroin use, we can’t argue or deny that there is a clear cut psychological food aversion found in binge eaters. They love and they hate food.
‘Liking’ a food does not make you necessarily ‘want’ a food, and it is the ‘wanting’ of foods that typifies the chronic overeating that leads to obesity- acceptance my friends. I think the similarity between the hyperpalatable industrial food and the hard drugs is that they are all (somewhat metaphorically) poisons, but we take the dose anyway, and need bigger and bigger amounts.
Some helpful hints…drop caffeine, get good sleep, go outside, drop ANY lowfat product from your diet and the most obvious eat food naturally available prior to the agricultural and industrial revolution. This is the easiest way to deflame your massively inflamed brain.
As Sophia at Burp and Slurp recently said: “Let me tell you something about bingeing and purging: there are few experiences as maniacal and hedonistic as it. It’s a mad, jagged jumble of ecstasy, anxiety and self-hatred as you stuff food after food into your mouth. You’re scared to death and at the same time craving it all. You abhor your “greed” and lack of control, yet you “reward” yourself with uninhibited indulgence. You’re feeling exhilarated by the action of the feast, yet unable to enjoy the taste and pleasure of satiety because you are stuffing yourself so frantically, gulping down the food just for the sake of sensory. You feel like you can eat and eat and still gain no satisfaction, yet your stomach is swelling painfully and the sharp pains in your abdomen feels like it’s a sack bulging with shards of pointy rocks.”
That Day… Monday, Jun 27 2011
Uncategorized anorexia, anorexia recovery, consequences, evolutionary diet, fertility, food, food timing, habits, happiness, ketogenic diet, meal plan, mental illness, nutrition, OCD, paleo, paleolithic, primal, recovery, rituals, weight gain 10:58 AM
Where you get your ass back in gear, clear your mind, meditate and get on with life…
PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES
PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE
AND KEEP GOING…
Motivation Thursday, May 26 2011
Uncategorized anorexia, anorexia recovery, consequences, evolutionary diet, fertility, food, food timing, fullness, habits, happiness, Mal, meal plan, mental illness, motivation, nutrition, OCD, paleo, paleolithic, patience, primal, recovery, right nutrition, rituals, vegetarian, weight gain, weight lifting, weight loss, workout 3:31 PM
Going through life you set goals, you work hard and then you hope to reap what you sow, RIGHT? We are bred from childhood to distinguish between failure and success, between achieving and failing and some of us(actually very few in my opinion) ever learn what real hard work is. Be is physical or mental, VERY few people actually do work really hard for something they want.
What if recovery is going a bit slower than what you had hoped for? You tend to it, you think about it, and you overly nurture it holding on to ‘that’- whatever that is which makes you so damned different and disordered. Everyone has something to them, but those in recovery have ‘that’ and people can smell it from 100 miles away. Its mental, it is in your walk, it is in your talk, it is in your ability to say yes or no, to stick your nose up or go along with the ride. It is in your every move and detail of you life. You got it, and other people really truly think its fucked up…your different. Recovery involves mending this garden and getting rid of the weeds holding you back. How do you just stop, just change? How do you just go with it, the flow of life? Why the fuck cant you just be normal? These are thoughts and questions I have asked myself in the past, and aspects I still occasionally dwell on.
But the main goal and ability picked up by many in recovery is that patience is a virtue, you can’t force anything to happen and if you’re trying to, then stop it…let it go. There are sparks and highlights in recovery here and there; times when you’re damned proud of yourself, times when you should be a Mexican jumping bean of enthusiasm but you’re not, and times where you want and need the company of others but times where you need to be with yourself and learn to trust and accept that person.
People know your potential, don’t give anything less and don’t expect others to ‘settle’ with a lesser than adequate person. Give people your all, but give recovery your every ounce of energy because in the end, your own ability to maintain happiness is all that counts. When you find that passion you and everyone is born with, you can run with it, and be able to do whatever you want.
Take each day one at a time without goals and without standards, without plans, and without the ED mind in your presence. Eventually you look at a day with things to do, people to socialize with, feelings and aspects of real life, your ED is left behind because there is more to you now. Lose the selfishness and you lose the disease, one day after the other and just as beautiful as the last.
Can’t put your finger on it? Cant figure out HOW to get rid of the ED ora you travel everywhere with. Well, first thing is first, if you look like your starving, your brain is whacked out and you suffer some horrendous malnutrition. Either take it upon yourself to eat the fucking food, don’t worry about its tastes or textures and I would actually recommend you stick to bland foods. You need to lose the obsession you have with food, and plain fatty meat and potatoes is an easy route. Make a shit load, and eat it. It will already be cooked and ready. This takes the thinking about food away. It doesn’t matter WTF you think or count up, you’re gonna eat the same damned bland yet nutritious food(potato, sweet potato, ground beef, liver, chuck, pork butt, whole fishes, eggs etc) until your mind has had enough. You WILL lose the overly active reward mechanism in your brain- or at least repair it. So don’t go overly seasoning ANYTHING, if anything, just some sea salt on your food(NOT THE WHOLE THING coated and then dipped in salt). Get rid of the sauces, condiments and things you bank on your flavor because it isn’t helping slow down your mind. KISS
Patience is what seems to be bountifully on your side in recovery. It takes forever, yes. But guess what, actively(this means making progress by the way, actual results…GET SOME) acting upon yourself and your recovery is everything youll ever need. Learn to appreciate and be proud of the fruits of your labor(mostly mental). Sit with yourself ans you learn to accept that pride and achievement. You need to take pride in everything that has come to be. But for most and myself included, it seems like you just can’t quite get the routine right. This point is crucial. No matter what, don’t give up on it. EVERY ONE has their time, their pace and their patience! THE POINT, is staying active. Don’t expect results if youre not changing. Don’t expect to be less than obsessed with food if your choking down artificial sweeteners and bottle dips on everything, or better yet is your using a whole seasoning cabinet on everything you do eat. Those do not give results. Those feed addiction, and this feeds an eating disorder. Don’t try and think up the best combo of food just because you know you have to eat. No, lose the obsession, lose the flavor enhancement, lose the ‘it’ you carry around with you. If you are constantly improving and fine tuning your work, keep going! Recovery lies in seeing changes, not thinking about them, having results, not planning for them.
Step back and see what you can improve on….but then do actually DO IT. Like they say doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity. Don’t throw in the towel, but make changes. You have to. Your doomed if you don’t.
what do you do to keep going forward, to not give up? Ultimately you can’t expect someone to just go recover and change their every move and expect to gain something in life. That would be expecting them to change who they are. There is nothing you can do about right now, like it or hate it. You cant make anyone understand or make someone else change who they are. The world will not change to cater to you. Nothing you can do about that either. Don’t lose that spark for a passion, get worn out and discouraged by too much rejection, or just not getting far enough no matter how much the re-haul or effort put in. keep at it. Make active changes. Make changes that are seeable. Make changes you can appreciate and changes others can see, talk about, enjoy.accomplishing a goal is one thing, like tackling a fear food, but grabbing the world and attacking a fear food IS recovery. Everyone can enjoy it, share it, and be part of it. THIS forces the mental obsession away. THIS is what, over time and repeated, will bring results.
You get back whatever you put out, so don’t think about what you don’t have or what you didn’t get. Perhaps learning to let go of that want will be the best thing to do. To be satisfied with what you have, and anything else is just ____. Do not let something out of nowhere erase your self confidence and drive for recovery. Don’t let someone dampen your spirits or harp on something you do(given it is a good thing)
“Never think that God’s delays are God’s denials. Hold; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.”
– Georges-Louis Leclerc
Post Lent Showdown! Wednesday, Apr 27 2011
Uncategorized anorexia recovery, archevore, brain firing, coconut, consequences, evolutionary diet, fasting, fertility, fitness magazine, food, food timing, fullness, happiness, intermittent fasting, ketogenic diet, lifting weight, Mal, marks daily apple, meal plan, mental illness, muscle gain, nutrition, OCD, paleo, paleolithic, primal, right nutrition, rituals, weight gain, weight loss 3:21 PM
Still alive guys! I am thinking of starting a new blog just about my everyday life (and the amount of weirdos I run into day to day) but then I remembered I cant even keep this on running updated soooooo we will see.
Anyways for lent I gave up taking photos of myself, and I gave up dairy. 40 DAYS WITH NO DAIRY PRODUCT WHATSOEVER. I thought the first couple of days I was going to die because I missed the dense saltiness. But, I learned a few things. Like how to eat real food and use it to your liking. Just a few foods I have been inhaling the past 40+days:
*Okinawan Potatoes…everyone in the world needs to try these
*Weird potatoes form the Asian store(I don’t know their names!)
*Coconut oil & flakes
*Acorn Squash(as a dessert with butter & cinnamon)
*Eggs(especially scrambled in pork fat)
*steak/chicken/pork steak- the usual cuz something is always on sale
*homemade sausage(spiked with fennel yum)
*clams/WHOLE roasted fishes/shrimp/crab
*typical canned sardines/salmon
Trying some different sauces…tomato and mustard and stock and learning to use spices and fresh herbs so send recipes my way if you got em! Having no meat on Fridays was actually fun and I might keep it up. Gives me more reason to roast whole fishes!!!!!!!
If you can tell I totally got over any lingering fear of starch and carbohydrates. Gonna add in rice sometime and see how I handle it. Still totally primal(even more so sans dairy) because I think it’s right for me, you do what works for you as always J I don’t know if I will add back dairy because my digestion is superb. I credit it to all the bone marrow in the shanks, knowing on oxtails, and yummy fermented vegetables. Actually, I don’t know I would classify myself as ANYTHING, as a good, smart man said in this post _Archevore_ it is all about finding what modern day offers us to be healthy and what it doesn’t.
Basically I am a happy and not worried about much. Fertility is on my mind, but I have accepted what will happen will happen. I think that’s the most sane and rational thing someone in my position can do.
By the way, a year ago this time I was starting to try chin ups. I couldn’t even do ONE. Then I worked up with negatives, jumping up to the chin up and slowly lowering. Then I attempted chin ups until I could do one….NOW I CAN DO 3 SETS OF 12….Get On My Level!!!!!!!!!!!
Random Bathing suit season! Thursday, Mar 24 2011
Uncategorized anorexia, anorexia pictures, anorexia recovery, brain firing, consequences, evolutionary diet, fertility, fitness magazine, food, fullness, intermittent fasting, ketogenic diet, lifting weight, meal plan, mental illness, muscle, muscle gain, nutrition, OCD, paleolithic, recovery pictures, right nutrition, rituals, weight gain, weight lifting, workout 6:50 PM
Life Eats Life Thursday, Feb 24 2011
Uncategorized anorexia, anorexia recovery, anorexia relax, anorexia truth, brain firing, calming down, coconut, consequences, eating disorder knowledge, eating disorder recovery, evolutionary diet, experience, fasting, fertility, food, food timing, fullness, habits, inner self, intermittent fasting, ketogenic diet, ketosis, knowledge, lifting weight, meal plan, meditation, mental illness, muscle, muscle gain, nutrition, OCD, paleo, right nutrition, rituals, weight gain, weight lifting, weight loss, workout 7:23 PM
When I advocate for a person suffering from an eating disorder to ACCEPT recovery what I mean to imply is this:
To commit. This means
to remove your head as the barrier
to your life
Life feeds on life. I read that somewhere so let us reflect on it. If there is a reason for our existence, which I believe there is and if there is no afterlife, then absolutely nothing matters – nothing! Eat meat, don’t eat meat. I surely don’t care, but WHATEVER you chose to do, just realize that it really does not matter. You can take that as a depressing thought or you can take it as the most empowering concept in life you will ever acquire- do whatever you please. Because as far as my life, your existence is concerned; at the moment we die, there will be nothing but void for each of us. Eternal unconscious nothingness (if I can make that a word).
Everyone’s life happens in the “blink-of-an-eye” . Our existence on earth is so incredibly fast, rapid and irrelevant in the infinite existence of whatever is beyond space, the stars/galaxy/universe. There is zero relevance. I take this as empowering. So if this life is all I get I sure as hell and going to MILK IT FOR ALL IT’S WORTH, and so should you.
Life eats life. Another piece of information I have read before. But guess what, this changes the fact that life feeds on life because there is no way of surviving on earth and in this world without eating other life forms. A very compelling and truthful observation.
If you understand, you HAVE to agree and accept this fact and being conscious of the suffering that we must inflict on others in order to live. Again, take that as a depressing observation or take it and become empowered. Such a statement should lead you to pursue decisions, which will enlighten yourself and others, which in turn will cause less suffering. Doing this causes you less stress and puts you in a great position in life- in both mind and body. It doesn’t matter what the hell your ‘opinion’ is, this is fact. You don’t need to make decisions to feel better, you make decisions(or you should) because you understand life eats life, and life feeds life. Truth.
You can aim to discover, find and understand everything. You can read every medical book, spend pointless hours learning every diet and exercise program out there, count every miniscule POINTLESS calorie or gram of sugar (or OMG FRUCTOSE…joke). You’ll be on the edge of your seat encompassed by nothingness while swearing you’re one-step away from finding ‘the truth.’
Everyone lives this pursuit in the life trying to find the truth, reading others experiences, ideas, opinions and juicing them for what they’re worth. This is what I conjectured after reading one of Berkhan’s post which reflects on getting a life. I realized I was stuck in this desire to find the perfect answer to recovery, to eating, to functioning my body and mind. I really thought I would get it eventually, I would know exactly how to cure eating disorders and be able to advocate a 10-step plan for recovery. It was seriously all right in front of my face. Some of the most obvious realizations in life are always staring at you, right under your nose.
I figured when I started this blog, that I had the will power, ability, and control to discover and answer some of the most profound questions on eating disorders and save the world. It became apparent, that as soon as I felt like I had a grasp on it all; it was right there within my reach…it slipped away and was gone. I realized it is not a question I can answer or a destination I can prescribe.
I got slightly pissed off, yes. I reflected on it. I vented and raged about it. I analyzed it. I was furious. I was bombarded with even more questions every time I tried to figure it out. When you do this, this questioning of yourself and life or decisions, it becomes an endless cycle of nothing. Your left with even more questions, more stress and incredible anxiety. I read; I thought. I found some people who vaguely understand what I am getting at. I found some understanding that many people feel like this. But still, I swore someone else somewhere had my answer and truth. Something I found via all this reading would ensure I would find the ‘cure.’ But that is not possible. Crazy, because the rant which pursued in my mind could have sworn I was going to read the truth and it would ‘click.’
When you read a vegan site, it is enthusiastic and empowering. When you read a carnivorous site you swear you’ll be ‘smarter’ by solely living on meat. When you skim through raw foodism, you swear throwing green stuff and nuts in a blender will make life perfect. Most advocates like this DO admittingly have a miniscule idea of how to find their own inner peace. But THEIR truth is not my truth, nor is it your truth. Basically, this is the reason I hate recovery blogs and food blogs by the way. These people who have figured things out for themselves will always appear keen on convincing you of their ways and that their answer just has to be your answer too.
The dietary arguments are an obnoxious and ridiculous as the religious arguments. It’s like the Afghanistan war on terrorism vs. the retarded-too-much-time-on-our-hands-society of dietary critics we live around. Ask a few people about how to seek the truth in life and listen. Some will undoubtedly follow God (and try and convert you) and some will tell you, you need to devote X hours a week to poor people or assisting others. Everyone has their own idea, their own settled inner peace because they understand what will work for them. You find people in life with a ‘I just don’t give a fuck attitude.’ These people are the ones who bake a cake and eat it too. They go to the bar and will do that double round of tequila, because who the fuck cares if their clothes end up on the floor 2 hours from now. Life is about RIGHT now for them, let’s do it, taste it, travel it and have fun. Others are more calm and collected, and even overly collected in my opinion. These people are ungodly religious (no pun haaa) Their life is hell-bent on living for someone else, namely their God, sitting in the pew at church confessing every Goddamn sin in hopes of someone or something else accepting them. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in God, but I believe in God as a moral landmark in the confidence that there is something beyond life that is unanswerable and worth living for. There is something about religion that makes people feel the need to convince everyone whom crosses their path to be converted or saved, as if this pursuance will leave peace with them. Really, I find this to be a personal problem and lack in an individual to understand the eternal struggle.
When you are stuck in ED denial truth exists only as beliefs. This is true of everything in life; it is true as long as you accept it is true. When you believe it, then it is true for you. But that does not mean you do your homework and understand your down falls and change your mind. THAT is allowed. You can change your thinking whenever you want. You can change your opinion; no one is holding you back. You can spend the rest of your life reading about other people’s recoveries searching for the truth because somewhere down in you is this aching desire to understand. You swear till the day you die there is answer…but stop, and think. What the hell are you looking for? What answer are you going to continue to struggle to find? There isn’t one. The only answer possible of finding has nothing to do with health, nutrition or weight, let alone food. It only has to do with YOU. This is so frustrating to people because they are so desperately seeking the answers to their problems. But, the problem IS you. There isn’t anything you need to hear or find out or even understand. Just know that the truth can only be understood and accomplished when you learn what works for you in life. The only belief you need to stand by is the BELIEF IN YOURSELF.
I hope this post has provided you somewhat with questions for yourself. I can’t riddle you the answer to recovery because I don’t have it, nor am I actively seeking it anymore because there is not an answer. There is no magical Buddha quote that will make me realize what exactly recovery is. Such actions only create riddles. If Buddha helps you understand you need to find the truth WITHIN yourself, then read away. A lot of his stuff makes sense or at least gets you thinking down the right track. I can at most provide the blog world with encouragement, determination and proof of change and skills. You are given the opportunity to make a purpose and meaning in your life. I do hope once it clicks for you, you will know where to look, you will know what you need to do and how to do it. When it clicks, life is totally up to you. There is no answer seeking because everything…eeeeeverything about life and you is constantly changing and evolving. There are no rules to recovery and no advice I have no already provided that will help you.
Did you ever think it is not just eating disordered sufferers who have inner voices? EVERYONE has an inner voice unless there is a stick so far up your ass that you assume it means you’re crazy. But every average Joe has an inner self and voice. Whether you believe it or acknowledge it remains up to you. The truth is full of emotions, intuition, and desire for knowledge and answers. When you feel extremely shitty in recovery, bloated, fat, full whatever, that’s your inner voice. To be yourself you need to find a way to deviate from this over walked path.
You need to be untraditional. Look at the big time successful people in life, they in no way took a traditional route to get there. When you understand you are blindly following a path of recovery laid out by someone else, or you are trying to mock the recovery or another…you’ve failed. You need to listen to your inner voice because it will always speak the truth and when you learn to listen, the answers will be provided. It won’t be what you want, it won’t be perfect, it won’t be set in stone, but you will find YOUR TRUTH.
Next Post…getting into meditation and answering the ever common ‘Who are you?’
Not Much Wednesday, Feb 16 2011
Uncategorized anorexia, anorexia recovery, brain firing, calcium, consequences, evolutionary diet, fasting, fertility, food, food timing, fullness, happiness, intermittent fasting, ketogenic diet, ketosis, lifting weight, mental illness, muscle, muscle gain, nutrition, paleo, paleolithic, primal, recovery, right nutrition, rituals, weight gain, weight lifting, weight loss, workout 3:26 PM
But a video, no time for anything but a quick video. Process of moving, working, living 🙂 I do have a post in the works on meditation.
E-Book, your ideas! Monday, Jan 31 2011
Uncategorized anorexia, anorexia recovery, anorexic meal plan, brain firing, consequences, evolutionary diet, fertility, food, fullness, habits, happiness, intermittent fasting, ketogenic diet, ketosis, meal plan, mental illness, nutrition, OCD, paleolithic, primal, recovery, recovery book, right nutrition, rituals, vitamin D, weight gain, weight lifting, weight loss 9:27 AM
PLEASE NOTICE THE NEW ADDITION IN THE TOP LEFT CORNER OF MY BLOG, A DONATION BUTTON. THIS IS TO HELP TOWARD A LASTING RECOVERY TO GET BLOOD WORK I CANNOT AFFORD. AS SOON AS I RECEIVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, I WILL POST MY RESULTS IN HOPES OF PROMOTING A STRONGER ARGUMENT FOR EATING DISORDER RECOVERY AND THE PRIMAL WAY. I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO ANY AND EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTES
I will be compiling an e-book over the next few months to focus on the change I wish to see in eating disorder treatment, a game plan for recovery, as well as a fully comprehensive nutritonal analysis to focus on the concept of malnutrition in eating disorders.
NOW FOR YOUR PART!!! I need to know what you want to see in my e-book. WHAT IS IT YOU want to read when you open a recovery book, what questions do you want answered and what knowledge do you seek when looking for help/assistance and direction in eating disorders?
FIRE AWAY SUGGESTIONS, or other posts and things I have already covered you found helpful or would like expanded on.
Promotions, Donations & HappyGirl! Friday, Jan 28 2011
Uncategorized anorexia, anorexia recovery, brain firing, calcium, coconut, consequences, conservative, evolutionary diet, fasting, fertility, food, food timing, habits, happiness, ketogenic diet, ketosis, lifting weight, nutrition, paleo, paleolithic, primal, promotion, recovery, right nutrition, rituals, Sulphur, vitamin D, weight gain, weight lifting, weight loss, workout 8:53 AM
EDIT!! PLEASE NOTICE THE NEW ADDITION IN THE TOP LEFT CORNER OF MY BLOG, A DONATION BUTTON. THIS IS TO HELP TOWARD A LASTING RECOVERY TO GET BLOOD WORK I CANNOT AFFORD. AS SOON AS I RECEIVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, I WILL POST MY BLOOD RESULTS AND DEXA SCAN IN HOPES OF PROMOTING A STRONGER ARGUMENT FOR EATING DISORDER RECOVERY AND THE PRIMAL WAY. I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO ANY AND EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTES
Well I do not have much time to post this week but wanted to do a quick fooooortay on a few things I have noticed…
Before I got stuck in my eating disorder I was this very charismatic, outgoing, unpredictable person. There are a few things lately which lead me to believ I am coming back to this person
- I suffer some real ADD that makes me laugh so hard with my friends about nothing
- I love Jersey Shore; I sit through the whole thing…GUIDOOOO. I need to get a GTL bag
- I got a hold of camouflage duct tape. I put it on my hand and went up to my dad (visited my parents) who wears camo pants 24/7 and was like “look you cant see me hand!!”….I’m such a retard haha
- I have been talking on the phone ten times more than I use to. Good things to come J
- I have more energy than I know what to do with. I feel like someone spiked my body with a cross of Ritalin and speed. I cannot slow down!
I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS AT WORK THIS WEEK!!! BOUYAAAAAAAA
And some good reading I have come across this week:
All from Stephanie’s Blog, amazing information here
It has been estimated that 70% of America’s children are currently deficient in vitamin D  (Details) . This is not surprising, given current medical advice. The sunscreen industry lobby has convinced most Americans, including medical experts, that the sun should be aggressively avoided to prevent skin cancer. This, in spite of the fact that the sun is an excellent source of vitamin D, allowing the skin to manufacture it directly from cholesterol. Moreover, vitamin D is protective against all cancers (Details) a characteristic which, in my view, more than compensates for any extra skin cancer risk incurred by sunbathing. Vitamin D deficiency is also associated with an increased risk of high blood pressure and diabetes . In order to get vitamin D from food, it is necessary to eat animal fats; animals manufacture vitamin D, a fat-soluble vitamin, and store it in their fat cells.
The American medical establishment is heavily entrenched in the idea that dietary fat is unhealthy. People are encouraged to adopt low fat diets, which inevitably lead to an increase in their intake of carbs and sugars, as much of the fat removed in foods is replaced with sugars to make them palatable. Many foods are also often highly processed and easily digested, leading to a rapid rise in blood sugar. At the same time, foods containing vitamin D are avoided, due to their universally high fat content.
Vitamin D is crucial to the absorption of calcium from the gut into the blood stream, and both vitamin D and calcium are important catalysts in crucial biological processes. Fats also promote the uptake of calcium in the gut, whereas dietary fiber, touted as being healthy, impedes it  (Details) . These three nutrients, fats, vitamin D, and calcium, have intricate mutual dependencies that make it important to consume them together. Americans are deficient in these important nutrients because of their perceived need to pursue a low fat diet and avoid sun exposure.
ADHD and Anorexia:
Fat cells are part of the endocrine system, and, as I’ve discussed before, they have the power to influence the degree to which muscle cells prefer glucose versus fats as an energy source. They exercise this control by releasing two signaling peptides: leptin and adiponectin. Adiponectin promotes glucose consumption by the muscles, and it also acts directly on the fat cells to encourage them to take up glucose and convert it to fat. Leptin, on the other hand, stimulates the muscles to prefer fat consumption over glucose consumption.
Statistically, children with ADHD have an abnormally efficient glucose metabolism rate, i.e., for the same amount of insulin, blood sugar levels drop more quickly after a meal than in other children. This observation suggests that their fat cells have arranged a set point of a high adiponectin to leptin ratio, such that the muscles prefer glucose over fats, and fat cells are predisposed to convert glucose to fat. The glucose levels drop more quickly because the muscles and fat cells are using more of it.
Anorexics, children who intentionally starve themselves, are known to have extremely efficient glucose metabolism (tend towards hypoglycemia) and also to have a high ratio of adiponectin to leptin concentrations . This strategy maximizes availability of fatty acids to the heart and brain. It is curious that anorexia is much more common in girls, and ADHD is much more common in boys.
Researchers at Harvard Medical School suspected that there might be an association between anorexia and ADHD. To test this hypothesis, they compared girls with ADHD against a control group to see whether the ones with ADHD were predisposed towards anorexia(ADHD and Anorexia). The results showed that girls with ADHD were 3.6 times more likely than the control group to develop an eating disorder. I have come to believe that anorexia is a technique to combat ADHD that girls are able to adopt, whereas boys do not have enough fat cells to carry out the task of converting glucose to fat. Ritalin is well known to reduce appetite, and long term use can lead to an anorexia-like condition. It may well work, in part, because it achieves this ultra-thin state, thus conserving fats by minimizing the consumption of fat by cells that can get by on glucose.
TWO biggest problems in health:
For several decades now, Americans have come to believe that the following two practices are foundational in a healthy lifestyle: eat a low-fat diet, and stay away from the sun. Additionally, if people consume adequate amounts of calcium, then all three nutritional deficiencies that have led to obesity will be overcome: vitamin D, calcium, and dietary fat.
The lack of adequate dietary fat contributes to the metabolic syndrome in at least four ways: vitamin D is only available in fatty food sources because it is a fat-soluble vitamin, calcium uptake is more efficient when the calcium is consumed with dietary fats, calcium uptake depends critically on the presence of vitamin D, which is deficient due to (1) above, and the burden of fat cells to manufacture fatty acids from sugar is alleviated by the dietary availability of fats from ingested food sources.
I would also argue that one should make sure to ingest adequate amounts of dietary fat, especially dairy fat . Whole milk is particularly outstanding because it contains substantial amounts of calcium and vitamin D, and it contains the necessary fat to assure that these two elements will be well utilized rather than just passing through the digestive system unabsorbed. Animal fats such as bacon are good sources of vitamin D, while also supplying fatty acids to help with energy needs. Fatty fish such as salmon and sardines are particularly good because they contain both omega-3 fats and vitamin D. One should assiduously avoid the trans fats found in processed foods such as cookies, crackers, and margarine. Butter and eggs are also healthy choices. Egg yolk is particularly good because it contains both fats and vitamin D. Nuts, particularly walnuts, almonds, and macademia nuts, are excellent sources of omega 3 fats.
The fat cells are able to influence the muscles to preferentially take up fats rather than glucose by releasing certain hormones into the blood, hormones that also have a powerful influence over appetite. One of these hormones is leptin. While leptin influences the muscle cells indirectly through its signaling in the hypothalamus, it also stimulates the muscle cells directly, and influences them to oxidize fatty acids in their mitochondria. Leptin also encourages the fat cells to release their fats through lipolysis. All of these actions work in concert to redirect fuel usage away from glucose. The programming of the muscles to preferentially consume fats aligns well with the fat cells’ infusion of fats into the blood and absorption of sugars through their fat-producing factories.
Leptin also has the effect, via the hypothalamus and pituitary gland, of suppressing appetite. Adiponectin is another hormone released by fat cells, and it is generally agreed that adiponectin induces hunger. Leptin and adiponectin levels would ordinarily fluctuate throughout the day, with leptin levels rising at night to encourage a switch from glucose-based to fat-based energy management. However, in the obese person, the leptin levels are typically high all the time, and the adiponectin levels are kept very low. High levels of leptin in the blood signal to the appetite center in the brain a sense of being full, whereas high levels of adiponectin are hunger-inducing. This means that the obese are being informed both that they are full, and that they are not hungry. You would think that this would protect them from overeating. However, it is likely that the observed insensitivity to leptin as an appetite suppressant in the obese is also related to calcium depletion, because the signaling mechanisms that respond to leptin in both the hypothalamus (Details) and the pituitary gland (Details) depend on changes in internal calcium concentrations
The result of these three deficiencies is defective glucose uptake in both muscle and fat cells. The obese person becomes trapped in an endless metabolic cycle of trying to supply the energy needed for a steadily increasing demand. The fat cells are at the center of the storm, because they are burdened with the arduous assignment of converting the excess consumed sugars and carbohydrates into fat. The fat cells must do this because the muscle cells are impaired with a malfunctioning ability to metabolise sugars. Even if the metabolic problem were not fixed, if the obese person simply ate more fat, and therefore consumed fewer carbs, the fat cells’ burden would be greatly alleviated. In addition, getting plenty of vitamin D and calcium, either through diet or sun exposure, would alleviate the core problem of impaired glucose transport across the cell wall. Now that the heart and muscles can utilize sugars directly, the excessive burden on the fat cells to expand and proliferate is relieved, and the body fat will inevitably melt away.
The metabolic syndrome is a term used to encapsulate a complex set of markers associated with increased risk to heart disease. The profile includes insulin resistance and dysfunctional glucose metabolism in muscle cells, excess triglycerides in the blood serum, high levels of LDL, particularly small dense LDL, the worst kind low levels of HDL (the “good” cholesterol) and reduced cholesterol content within the individual HDL particles, elevated blood pressure, and obesity, particularly excess abdominal fat. I have argued previously that this syndrome is brought on by a diet that is high in empty carbohydrates (particularly fructose) and low in fats and cholesterol, along with a poor vitamin D status [Seneff2010]. While I still believe that all of these factors are contributory, I would now add another factor as well: insufficient dietary sulfate.
- A recent analysis of data from the Nurses’ Health Study, an ambitious long-term study involving over 18,000 nurses, showed that fat in dairy consumption was associated with high fertility. Women who said they ate low-fat diary increased their risk of infertility by 85%, whereas women who consistently ate high-fat dairy decreased their risk by 27%. Fertility is an indicator of the degree to which the body perceives that it is prepared to support a fetus. Breast milk has an extremely high fat content, significantly higher than that of cow’s milk. It then seems logical that, once mother’s milk is replaced with table foods, these foods should continue to be high in fat content.
Heres an interesting tidbit on ketosis and pregnancy: