There is a deep emotional ‘umbilical cord attachment’ to your mom. She has this ‘know what’s going on’ feeling about you as her daughter. She senses your emotions, knows what to say and can sit in a room quiet with just because she knows it comforts you. She is there when you need her, she has an undying love for you and will do any and everything in her ungodly power to make you happy at any and every expense of her own happiness. She is strong and mighty. She is caring and resourceful. She is your everything. She is a mom. She is my mom. The same one who has informed me of the deep rooted feelings and attachments liken to having a child.

I want to shake my fist a God and I want isolation, a place to cry. I want to stay far away from any male who will come near such a less than adequate female. I long for attention and love but run from emotion and attachment. I am not a real woman, and through my own selfish dealing and decisions I am left incapable of reproducing…the sole reason I was put on this earth. I can’t even do what I am meant to do. I can’t do what I have longed for my entire life, to cherish and carry a living human in my body to birth and to love endlessly. I feel like a cruel and selfish individual, a living moving target at my own frustration. The innocence of a child is the most precious gift of life itself. I ripped away any chance of experiencing this through a child of my own. It’s gone.

It is something that will cross my tracks every day of the rest of my life and I cannot get it back. I regret all of my decisions every day. I knock heads with god and I infuriate my mind with self hate and a less than adequate status. I destroy myself and am bound to come tumbling down, only as my own punishment for living such a selfish self centered diseased existence for so long. You can’t ask for hope because hope doesn’t exist, it is impossible. There is no miraculous cure, no pill to swallow besides that of your own self worth and pride. There is no best of the worst way to deal with it. Sure, get on with life. The easiest thing to do for someone who has absolutely no idea what this feeling is like. I am a waste of a human, just taking up too much space in this already hectic crowded world.

Yet I am supposed to hold it together because even worse is people worrying about me, a serious waste of time. So swallow your lump, wipe your tears, get dressed and put on your act every day for the rest of your life like somehow it is all worth something. The ultimate privilege of being a woman is motherhood. There is a bullshit fallacy that renders children as nothing more than drudgery and inconvenience- I cannot imagine something further from the truth. I have more free time than I care to enjoy, more success at my job than I probably deserve. I have one drive, which is motherhood. The excelling in the workforce, in school, in knowledge and society are all second place to birthing a child and feeling that connection- it must be the ultimate pleasure and warming contentment life has to offer. There is a privilege to parenthood, high in standings I will never feel.

A joy I will never experience; everyone around me is getting pregnant. I want to know what it is like. There are babies everywhere. It is so overwhelming. I am so happy for them, but I feel like I deserve to get pregnant or stand the chance. Why are they allowed and I cannot?? All I can say now is, I’m sorry. For whatever it’s worth. For however far it can go…mom, dad and my could have been kids. I am so incredibly sorry. I feel like I have no excuse and I have no words. No words that can really make it right. But I did it all wrong- I did life wrong. I did the best years of my life fucked up backwards. I fucked it all up. And I am truly sorry. More sorry than I have probably been for anything in a very long time. I would go to the end of the earth and back a million times to take back what I have done, sacrifice every single belonging and feeling I have if I could have hope again. And I am sick of the suggestions, the advice. There is no miracle pill; no try this try that, just calm down, just don’t worry. Just relax…ahhhh….damn that’s annoying, it doesn’t help and it doesn’t work. Stress affecting me sure, but damnit I can’t have  kids, period and yes I am fucking stressed about it. It is my fault. There’s no fixing it. It is all I want. I want to know would my baby have my eyes, my personality, my strength, my nose, my husband’s habits, his eyes…nothing. I won’t know what any of that is like. Did I just not try hard enough? A quitter?

I am a girl, who will never be a woman, who has had her heart completely crushed into a thousand pieces by infertility. A girl who has been immersed in this world long enough to see others hurt even worse; worse than I ever would have believed possible. A girl who has seen too much, fallen too hard, and learned that all too often – the unthinkable can happen. I am a girl who is no longer blind to the pitfalls of this world. No take backs for this one. it hurts. It hurts deep down in my heart with hate circling through my head I could never translate to paper. I can’t look back and be proud, I can’t look back and say it was worth it. It was hideous, it was frivolous. But I fought with everything I had to be where I am today, and I can’t have the one drive I had in recovery- hopes of motherhood one day. It’s gone, all hope, all worthiness.

Life isn’t always fair, hell usually it is never fair. But sometimes it is downright brutal. I am struggling to cope with understanding life can be so damn brutal. I wish I could have it all but I can’t so I wish the best of luck and success for those who can. I wish for their happiness, their pregnancy and womb to be filled with never ending blessed love that mine will not. I wish the happy ending I will never achieve because, that is not who I am. I cannot be who I want to be.