And Then There was Mal… Wednesday, Feb 1 2012 

If anyone still reads my blog, just letting you know I am alive!! What have I been up to?

Well, I have no conquered the world…yet, but I did get a raise. Even better, I get to file my taxes soon and low and behold, I will get close-to-nothing back and probably owe the state, again, while everyone else around me continues buying Doritos, frozen egg rolls and cases of Coke with their food stamps. Oh, and they get free cell phones now too, 200 free minutes. If I could only not feel like I was going to hell for working the system I would do it…but low and behold, I have a conscience.

I am actually at this obnoxious-mind-consuming crossroad in my life. I am recovered from an eating disorder but still living in my head(more often than not), I have a full time job but not moving up anytime soon(no college degree), I have a new car but can barely rub a penny between my ass to make monthly payments on top of student loans, carrying full insurance, rent, bills, cell phone…oh right, and our shitty president is giving everyone free handouts but gas is $3.45/gallon. So I am living but not getting anywhere, eating but not understanding my body and what it actually would flourish on.

Ever read a bunch of foodie blogs of gorgeous chicks and their amazing creations and then think you’re doing everything wrong? I get especially frustrated(with myself) when I read of cardio bunny Gertrude(made up name hah picked one I doubt anyone has…damnit, now I know I just offended someone) eating green smoothies laced with crack-chia-vegemite-proteinpowder-chickpea-walnutbutter…and I ponder if this is real life, and people really put stuff like this together? Her PUFA content should have her dying approximately tomorrow with diabetes and NAFLD. And where’s her beef liver and eggs OMG she’s healthy happy and NOT paleo!??!

And she isn’t lifting 300 lbs 3 times a week heavy ass squatting ass to the ground and throwing herself at the ground only to jump back up and repeat it 100 times!??! Hell, even Beyonce can drink lemon spiked cayenne detox flush drinks and have a baby. I think my pissed off tone behind this is the fact that as I understand it, and as I comprehend it, none of this should be possible because spending 2934534 hours of my life reading about health and nutrition and reading study after study tells me, right there in arial font 12 point BOLD that all this is unhealthy, all of it will cause a fatty liver, diabetes, cancer wtf ever else you want to add to the list.

BUT, and there’s a but… damn if she doesn’t look healthy and damn if she doesn’t seem happy. Is there like this shadow of shit-on-me for someone who recovers from an eating disorder that says you will have lowgrade constant depression for eternity?? To me, it feels like there is. And for all I know it may be self loathing, why don’t I just snap out of it, why don’t I get out of my head, why don’t I ‘just get over it’. Trust me, if I could just do it(no pun) I would. “Oh Mallory, you look so much better, you must be eating well these days”… do not, like ever say this to anyone whether they once looked like an emancipated crack whore or they lived off a feeding tube for 6 months. It’s just stupid.

I am not loving my body, but I cant keep hating it because it seems to function worse when I do. I got some bloodwork showing I have damn near zero inflammation in my body and an almost undetectable c-reactive protein meaning there’s no bad stuff going on. Weeee so she’s healthy(with elevated iron, obviously, no rocket scientist is needed to figure out my meat gorging with no monthly bleeding is gonna lead to elevated iron…) but I surely still am not a socially-acceptable function as I should 26 year old woman. TWENTY-SIX-YEARS-OLD….and I am scared of becoming 30, 40 and still just ‘being her’ just living repeating the same shit day after day after day.

For what it’s worth, the life long consequences of this recovery stuff from something as severe as anorexia nervosa….they blow ass. On top of blowing ass myself usually post meal, my body will forever be in ‘famine mode’….7 years starving yourself and you didn’t die so now you have the rest of your existence to pack on weight with everything you eat, live with muckin-fucked up hormones and blood sugar problems, royally shitty sleeping patterns, and the all around inability to sit with yourself, let alone sit still.

So that I stop wallowing in my own self doubt and self pity I made a list of to do’s for 2012, I know one month late. It took a while for me to get out of my own head to decide what I want to change and a direction to ‘attempt’ to go in. why the hell is change so damned hard? Hardest will be getting away from the web. I swear I develop addictions easier than anyone in the world. I can literally have 50 browser web pages open because I get this rush of reading and information and overload. What the hell is that? I haven’t the slightest clue, but I love it.

Personal

*spend an entire day lying around

*spend an entire day in the kitchen baking(food I will eat)

*travel, randomly, unplanned…especially to New Orleans

*spend 24 hours outside…sun up to sun down

*find a new adrenaline rush(that isn’t mind numbing obsession)

*get more sleep

*master 3×15 chin ups (done, once)

*muscle-up

*take a mineral oil bath once a week with lotsa bubbles, then do girlie things like my nails and a facial

*find a place that is genuinely quiet, and listen

*meditate to the sun rising

*meditate to the sun setting

*run a 10k for a good cause

*go to church more

*get a gun, and be able to kill a m*therf*cker confidently

*volunteer at church

*pay more attention to what is going on in the world

*more spontaneity

*stay off the internet

*express myself instead of hide with a good act

Culinary

*learn to can food- pressure cooker

* master my cast iron dutch oven my momma got me

*master my bone broth

*master a rue(yes, that means flour)

*put together a recipe collage, at least get one started

*make a meal 100% from scratch- seed to ground to harvest to plate with only what I produce

*plant kabocha squash(b/c I am in love…) and pray it grows well here…DONE, just ordered seeds

*start a herb garden(basil….nom)

*find some local farmers for eggs and meat

*stick to eating local(or maybe not)

*go vegetarian for a week, just because I can

*get me some oysters more often, and master shuckin

*actually CATCH a crab on the coast

*use my fishing license

*make a meal based around a Hawaiian Potato(aka Okinawan)

*master roast beef(the seasoning rub)

Oh, and get to drinkin some mixed bevvvverages more often…

And here is how I see my future. No one down here really knows me, I don’t go out, I don’t have many friends outside the work place, yet for some reason I find it hard to hang out with my family as it seems to promote oddly acute amounts of anxiety. Based on that, it surely doesn’t matter whether I am 100lbs or whether I am 170lbs, no one knows me. There isn’t anything ‘to be expected’ so if for the life of me I can figure out how to ‘just be’ I just might have a chance at developing a personality outside health/nutrition before I die….maybe, just a slight possibility. Basically, I am sick of myself. I want a friend whom I can randomly show up at their house unannounced just because, I wanna bake some cookies, listen to music and pour some strawberry daiquiris. I want to spend days in the sun at the pool with my family, grilling out and enjoying the company and food and not spending the time preoccupied in my mind catching up on sleep I didn’t get the night before. And I feel like really, this is all my fault. I don’t do these things. Hell, I tried to quit smoking and it lasted 60 hours, then I text my mom telling her I was going to slit my wrist or commit suicide because the desire to injure myself was obnoxious. All this over nicotine? I literally CRIED for almost 24 hours over a cigarette….it had been YEARS since I cried myself to sleep!

Change is hard for anyone. Change for someone with my mind is epically impossible, or so it seems, but it IS DOWNRIGHT a matter of me changing my routines and habits. I mean if I think about it, I am going to die, we all are, regardless of how we live and what we do. As soon as you’re born, you can guarantee you’re going to die, at some point. I am not the typical EAT EGG WHITE SCRAMBLED WITH SPINACH AND TOFU NUGGETS OR DIE…but I need to get away from EAT GRASSFED BEEF AND YOUR VEGETABLES MUST HAVE BUTTER AND GOD FORBID YOU DON’T EAT 2G/PROTEIN PER POUND OF LBM(or some other obnoxious amount) A DAY AND LIFT HEAVY SHIT 3 X A WEEK AND DO NOT TOUCH CORN/BEANS AND IF YOU EAT FRUIT IT IS IMMEDIATELY BEING TURNED INTO FAT BECAUSE ALL THINGS FRUCTOSE WILL KILL YOU AND ALL THINGS OMEGA 6 KEEL YOU OVER 6 FEET UNDER.

There needs to be balance… I need to find it. No one can find it but me. I idolize 2 bloggers. One is Heather @ Heather Eats Almond Butter. She probably hasn’t the slightest clue who I am, because I do not comment on her blog, but her way of living and the reflection of happiness form her blog, and soon to be 3 kids(congrats if you see this!)…it is the epitome of awesome to me. I envy her. The other is Eden @ Eden Eats Everything. She’s fucking hilarious…I lol everytime I read her blog. Our minds think alike…well maybe not. I am convinced I am the female version of Dexter…a MUST watch show for anyone with a mucked up mind. If I ever remembered to type out the funny shit that boggles my mind I could make people piss their pants. I run into some downright bizarre shit here in the south.

I need to stop obsessing about health and nutrition and seeing so onewaystreet in my thoughts about food and do some more life enjoyment…

Mardis Gras season approaching and starting should be a good place. I want to decorate my 1900 antique-20ft ceiling-rip-off-rental house for mardis gras season…and I have hardcore Baptist/Christian roommates. Baha, should be interesting. One lady at work informs me of my bloodsucking worshipping every mardis gras season…

What to give up for the 40 days and 40 nights…maybe ‘giving a fuck’ is a good place for me to start !

I got Twitter :) and a Tan Thursday, May 19 2011 

Some I have hated since I ever learned about it….TWITTER…. I must confess, I joined 🙂

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Obviously I am updating… I have been doing some more reading, on the brain. It seems a lot of health bloggers are coming around to my instinct I grasped when i started over analyzing the brain in relation to health. The reward circuits are VERY interesting. If you are interested then I definitely insist you check out Stephan’s series on Obesity and Reward; it is a 3part series and ever so interesting. Matt Stone also did a recap on addiction and the brain here. Again, very intriguing and the comments are relate-able.

I am currently loving my potatoes 🙂 I also ate like 3 pints of fresh strawberries in the past week. But I am also still in love with my fat, for real…you’ll never ever convince me fat is bad when it comes from good sources. I love me some BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTA, macadamia nuts, coconut oil, ghee, lard, even avocados(I got 3 for $1.50 and ate them all lol)…I think you get the idea haha.

So, y’all are free to follow me if you want, don’t know how much tweeting I will do it’s just cool to click up on when the ADD kicks in at the desk job haha.

http://twitter.com/#!/MalPaz2003

Post Lent Showdown! Wednesday, Apr 27 2011 

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Still alive guys! I am thinking of starting a new blog just about my everyday life (and the amount of weirdos I run into day to day) but then I remembered I cant even keep this on running updated soooooo we will see.

Anyways for lent I gave up taking photos of myself, and I gave up dairy. 40 DAYS WITH NO DAIRY PRODUCT WHATSOEVER. I thought the first couple of days I was going to die because I missed the dense saltiness. But, I learned a few things. Like how to eat real food and use it to your liking. Just a few foods I have been inhaling the past 40+days:

*Okinawan Potatoes…everyone in the world needs to try these

*Weird potatoes form the Asian store(I don’t know their names!)

*Sweet taters

*Taro

*Coconut oil & flakes

*Acorn Squash(as a dessert with butter & cinnamon)

*Eggs(especially scrambled in pork fat)

*beef shank

*oxtail

*pork belly

*dandelion greens

*steak/chicken/pork steak- the usual cuz something is always on sale

*homemade sausage(spiked with fennel yum)

*beef jelllllooooooo(stock)

*clams/WHOLE roasted fishes/shrimp/crab

*typical canned sardines/salmon

*tried beets(ehh…ok)

Trying some different sauces…tomato and mustard and stock and learning to use spices and fresh herbs so send recipes my way if you got em! Having no meat on Fridays was actually fun and I might keep it up. Gives me more reason to roast whole fishes!!!!!!!

If you can tell I totally got over any lingering fear of starch and carbohydrates. Gonna add in rice sometime and see how I handle it. Still totally primal(even more so sans dairy) because I think it’s right for me, you do what works for you as always J I don’t know if I will add back dairy because my digestion is superb. I credit it to all the bone marrow in the shanks, knowing on oxtails, and yummy fermented vegetables. Actually, I don’t know I would classify myself as ANYTHING, as a good, smart man said in this post _Archevore_ it is all about finding what modern day offers us to be healthy and what it doesn’t.

Basically I am a happy and not worried about much. Fertility is on my mind, but I have accepted what will happen will happen. I think that’s the most sane and rational thing someone in my position can do.

By the way, a year ago this time I was starting to try chin ups. I couldn’t even do ONE. Then I worked up with negatives, jumping up to the chin up and slowly lowering. Then I attempted chin ups until I could do one….NOW I CAN DO 3 SETS OF 12….Get On My Level!!!!!!!!!!!

Life Eats Life Thursday, Feb 24 2011 

When I advocate for a person suffering from an eating disorder to ACCEPT recovery what I mean to imply is this:

To commit. This means
to remove your head as the barrier
to your life

Life feeds on life. I read that somewhere so let us reflect on it. If there is a reason for our existence, which I believe there is and if there is no afterlife, then absolutely nothing matters – nothing! Eat meat, don’t eat meat. I surely don’t care, but WHATEVER you chose to do, just realize that it really does not matter. You can take that as a depressing thought or you can take it as the most empowering concept in life you will ever acquire- do whatever you please. Because as far as my life, your existence is concerned; at the moment we die, there will be nothing but void for each of us. Eternal unconscious nothingness (if I can make that a word).

Everyone’s life happens in the “blink-of-an-eye” . Our existence on earth is so incredibly fast, rapid and irrelevant in the infinite existence of whatever is beyond space, the stars/galaxy/universe. There is zero relevance. I take this as empowering. So if this life is all I get I sure as hell and going to MILK IT FOR ALL IT’S WORTH, and so should you.

Life eats life. Another piece of information I have read before. But guess what, this changes the fact that life feeds on life because there is no way of surviving on earth and in this world without eating other life forms. A very compelling and truthful observation.

If you understand, you HAVE to agree and accept this fact and being conscious of the suffering that we must inflict on others in order to live. Again, take that as a depressing observation or take it and become empowered. Such a statement should lead you to pursue decisions, which will enlighten yourself and others, which in turn will cause less suffering. Doing this causes you less stress and puts you in a great position in life- in both mind and body. It doesn’t matter what the hell your ‘opinion’ is, this is fact. You don’t need to make decisions to feel better, you make decisions(or you should) because you understand life eats life, and life feeds life. Truth.

You can aim to discover, find and understand everything. You can read every medical book, spend pointless hours learning every diet and exercise program out there, count every miniscule POINTLESS calorie or gram of sugar (or OMG FRUCTOSE…joke). You’ll be on the edge of your seat encompassed by nothingness while swearing you’re one-step away from finding ‘the truth.’

Everyone lives this pursuit in the life trying to find the truth, reading others experiences, ideas, opinions and juicing them for what they’re worth. This is what I conjectured after reading one of Berkhan’s post which reflects on getting a life. I realized I was stuck in this desire to find the perfect answer to recovery, to eating, to functioning my body and mind.  I really thought I would get it eventually, I would know exactly how to cure eating disorders and be able to advocate a 10-step plan for recovery. It was seriously all right in front of my face. Some of the most obvious realizations in life are always staring at you, right under your nose.

I figured when I started this blog, that I had the will power, ability, and control to discover and answer some of the most profound questions on eating disorders and save the world. It became apparent, that as soon as I felt like I had a grasp on it all; it was right there within my reach…it slipped away and was gone. I realized it is not a question I can answer or a destination I can prescribe.

I got slightly pissed off, yes. I reflected on it. I vented and raged about it. I analyzed it. I was furious. I was bombarded with even more questions every time I tried to figure it out. When you do this, this questioning of yourself and life or decisions, it becomes an endless cycle of nothing. Your left with even more questions, more stress and incredible anxiety.  I read; I thought. I found some people who vaguely understand what I am getting at. I found some understanding that many people feel like this. But still, I swore someone else somewhere had my answer and truth. Something I found via all this reading would ensure I would find the ‘cure.’ But that is not possible. Crazy, because the rant which pursued in my mind could have sworn I was going to read the truth and it would ‘click.’

When you read a vegan site, it is enthusiastic and empowering. When you read a carnivorous site you swear you’ll be ‘smarter’ by solely living on meat. When you skim through raw foodism, you swear throwing green stuff and nuts in a blender will make life perfect. Most advocates like this DO admittingly have a miniscule idea of how to find their own inner peace. But THEIR truth is not my truth, nor is it your truth. Basically, this is the reason I hate recovery blogs and food blogs by the way. These people who have figured things out for themselves will always appear keen on convincing you of their ways and that their answer just has to be your answer too.

The dietary arguments are an obnoxious and ridiculous as the religious arguments. It’s like the Afghanistan war on terrorism vs. the retarded-too-much-time-on-our-hands-society of dietary critics we live around. Ask a few people about how to seek the truth in life and listen. Some will undoubtedly follow God (and try and convert you) and some will tell you, you need to devote X hours a week to poor people or assisting others. Everyone has their own idea, their own settled inner peace because they understand what will work for them. You find people in life with a ‘I just don’t give a fuck attitude.’ These people are the ones who bake a cake and eat it too. They go to the bar and will do that double round of tequila, because who the fuck cares if their clothes end up on the floor 2 hours from now. Life is about RIGHT now for them, let’s do it, taste it, travel it and have fun. Others are more calm and collected, and even overly collected in my opinion. These people are ungodly religious (no pun haaa) Their life is hell-bent on living for someone else, namely their God, sitting in the pew at church confessing every Goddamn sin in hopes of someone or something else accepting them. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in God, but I believe in  God as a moral landmark in the confidence that there is something beyond life that is unanswerable and worth living for. There is something about religion that makes people feel the need to convince everyone whom crosses their path to be converted or saved, as if this pursuance will leave peace with them. Really, I find this to be a personal problem and lack in an individual to understand the eternal struggle.

When you are stuck in ED denial truth exists only as beliefs. This is true of everything in life; it is true as long as you accept it is true. When you believe it, then it is true for you. But that does not mean you do your homework and understand your down falls and change your mind. THAT is allowed. You can change your thinking whenever you want. You can change your opinion; no one is holding you back. You can spend the rest of your life reading about other people’s recoveries searching for the truth because somewhere down in you is this aching desire to understand. You swear till the day you die there is answer…but stop, and think. What the hell are you looking for? What answer are you going to continue to struggle to find? There isn’t one. The only answer possible of finding has nothing to do with health, nutrition or weight, let alone food. It only has to do with YOU. This is so frustrating to people because they are so desperately seeking the answers to their problems. But, the problem IS you. There isn’t anything you need to hear or find out or even understand. Just know that the truth can only be understood and accomplished when you learn what works for you in life. The only belief you need to stand by is the BELIEF IN YOURSELF.

I hope this post has provided you somewhat with questions for yourself. I can’t riddle you the answer to recovery because I don’t have it, nor am I actively seeking it anymore because there is not an answer. There is no magical Buddha quote that will make me realize what exactly recovery is. Such actions only create riddles. If Buddha helps you understand you need to find the truth WITHIN yourself, then read away. A lot of his stuff makes sense or at least gets you thinking down the right track. I can at most provide the blog world with encouragement, determination and proof of change and skills. You are given the opportunity to make a purpose and meaning in your life. I do hope once it clicks for you, you will know where to look, you will know what you need to do and how to do it. When it clicks, life is totally up to you. There is no answer seeking because everything…eeeeeverything about life and you is constantly changing and evolving. There are no rules to recovery and no advice I have no already provided that will help you.

Did you ever think it is not just eating disordered sufferers who have inner voices? EVERYONE has an inner voice unless there is a stick so far up your ass that you assume it means you’re crazy. But every average Joe has an inner self and voice. Whether you believe it or acknowledge it remains up to you. The truth is full of emotions, intuition, and desire for knowledge and answers. When you feel extremely shitty in recovery, bloated, fat, full whatever, that’s your inner voice. To be yourself you need to find a way to deviate from this over walked path.

You need to be untraditional. Look at the big time successful people in life, they in no way took a traditional route to get there. When you understand you are blindly following a path of recovery laid out by someone else, or you are trying to mock the recovery or another…you’ve failed. You need to listen to your inner voice because it will always speak the truth and when you learn to listen, the answers will be provided. It won’t be what you want, it won’t be perfect, it won’t be set in stone, but you will find YOUR TRUTH.

Next Post…getting into meditation and answering the ever common ‘Who are you?’

Not Much Wednesday, Feb 16 2011 

But a video, no time for anything but a quick video. Process of moving, working, living 🙂 I do have a post in the works on meditation.

 

 

 

READ THIS BOOK Thursday, Feb 10 2011 

 

http://www.jamesgreenblattmd.com/jgreenblatt-books.htm

OVERVIEW:

Answers to Anorexia offers patients and families new hope for the successful treatment of this serious, frustrating, and enigmatic illness. It proposes the first new treatment plan for anorexia in fifty years.

Anorexia is a medical illness of starvation that causes malnutrition in the body and the brain. This self-starvation disease affects approximately 1-5% of young women in the U.S., (and is increasingly common among middle-aged women as well as men).

While psychiatry treats major psychiatric illness with medications – not one drug is FDA-approved to treat anorexia!  Antidepressants are commonly prescribed, but have been proven ineffective for treating anorexia. Answers to Anorexia addresses the challenge of successful treatment by providing an integrative medicine approach to this devastating illness.

Answers to Anorexia offers readers highly accessible information that may be helpful as either self-help or as an adjunct to professional treatment. It provides a holistic treatment plan involving an integrative medicine approach for men and women with anorexia. The treatment plan centers on restorative nutrition and precise medication for the many symptoms and illnesses that often accompany this life-threatening disease such as depression and anxiety. To be successful, Dr. Greenblatt explains, treatment needs to correct the physical damage and brain dysfunction of malnutrition.

Answers to Anorexia also walks readers though the latest research on brain function and nutrition, and equips them to make informed decisions about treatment planning, appropriate nutritional supplements, and the use of a new brain test – referenced electroencephalogram (rEEG). rEEG provides a neurophysiologically based treatment for predicting and customizing medications for eating disorder patients—medications that can effectively relieve many illnesses that co-occur with the disordered eating such as depression and obsessive ruminations. This revolutionary, yet simple, brain test enables psychiatrists to improve upon the traditional trial-and-error approach to medication selection.

AND READ HIS BLOG:

http://jamesgreenblattmd.com/blog/

This guy seems to ‘get it’ like I ‘get it.’ The problem is nutrition, and the answer is nutrition…..REAL FOOD NUTRITION. The rest falls into place when you fix malnourishment, there is NO question about this. Read the book, I plan to when i get money to buy it and do a full review on it(via blog post) and I wish he did a seminar near me because I would totally attend.

Anyways, won’t be blogging to much for a bit, I am in to process of moving out of my current rental house and into an apartment with 4 girls…BIG CHANGE as I am use to living with guys because I am not a ‘girly girl’ nor do I enjoy ‘girl talk’ but whatever…take life as it is thrown at you! I am incredibly short on money(in debt) and this is affordable sort of.

As usual, eat real food always when your hungry. Get good sleep and sunshine and FIND A HOBBY.

Promotions, Donations & HappyGirl! Friday, Jan 28 2011 

EDIT!! PLEASE NOTICE THE NEW ADDITION IN THE TOP LEFT CORNER OF MY BLOG, A DONATION BUTTON. THIS IS TO HELP TOWARD A LASTING RECOVERY TO GET BLOOD WORK I CANNOT AFFORD. AS SOON AS I RECEIVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, I WILL POST MY BLOOD RESULTS AND DEXA SCAN IN HOPES OF PROMOTING A STRONGER ARGUMENT FOR EATING DISORDER RECOVERY AND THE PRIMAL WAY. I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO ANY AND EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTES

Well I do not have much time to post this week but wanted to do a quick fooooortay on a few things I have noticed…

Before I got stuck in my eating disorder I was this very charismatic, outgoing, unpredictable person. There are a few things lately which lead me to believ I am coming back to this person

  • I suffer some real ADD that makes me laugh so hard with my friends about nothing
  • I love Jersey Shore; I sit through the whole thing…GUIDOOOO. I need to get a GTL bag
  • I got a hold of camouflage duct tape. I put it on my hand and went up to my dad (visited my parents) who wears camo pants 24/7 and was like “look you cant see me hand!!”….I’m such a retard haha
  • I have been talking on the phone ten times more than I use to. Good things to come J
  • I have more energy than I know what to do with. I feel like someone spiked my body with a cross of Ritalin and speed. I cannot slow down!

I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS AT WORK THIS WEEK!!! BOUYAAAAAAAA

And some good reading I have come across this week:

All from Stephanie’s Blog, amazing information here

http://stephanie-on-health.blogspot.com/ :

It has been estimated that 70% of America’s children are currently deficient in vitamin D [20] (Details) . This is not surprising, given current medical advice. The sunscreen industry lobby has convinced most Americans, including medical experts, that the sun should be aggressively avoided to prevent skin cancer. This, in spite of the fact that the sun is an excellent source of vitamin D, allowing the skin to manufacture it directly from cholesterol. Moreover, vitamin D is protective against all cancers (Details) a characteristic which, in my view, more than compensates for any extra skin cancer risk incurred by sunbathing. Vitamin D deficiency is also associated with an increased risk of high blood pressure and diabetes [35]. In order to get vitamin D from food, it is necessary to eat animal fats; animals manufacture vitamin D, a fat-soluble vitamin, and store it in their fat cells.

The American medical establishment is heavily entrenched in the idea that dietary fat is unhealthy. People are encouraged to adopt low fat diets, which inevitably lead to an increase in their intake of carbs and sugars, as much of the fat removed in foods is replaced with sugars to make them palatable. Many foods are also often highly processed and easily digested, leading to a rapid rise in blood sugar. At the same time, foods containing vitamin D are avoided, due to their universally high fat content.

Vitamin D is crucial to the absorption of calcium from the gut into the blood stream, and both vitamin D and calcium are important catalysts in crucial biological processes. Fats also promote the uptake of calcium in the gut, whereas dietary fiber, touted as being healthy, impedes it [38] (Details) . These three nutrients, fats, vitamin D, and calcium, have intricate mutual dependencies that make it important to consume them together. Americans are deficient in these important nutrients because of their perceived need to pursue a low fat diet and avoid sun exposure.

ADHD and Anorexia:

Fat cells are part of the endocrine system, and, as I’ve discussed before, they have the power to influence the degree to which muscle cells prefer glucose versus fats as an energy source. They exercise this control by releasing two signaling peptides: leptin and adiponectin. Adiponectin promotes glucose consumption by the muscles, and it also acts directly on the fat cells to encourage them to take up glucose and convert it to fat. Leptin, on the other hand, stimulates the muscles to prefer fat consumption over glucose consumption.

Statistically, children with ADHD have an abnormally efficient glucose metabolism rate, i.e., for the same amount of insulin, blood sugar levels drop more quickly after a meal than in other children. This observation suggests that their fat cells have arranged a set point of a high adiponectin to leptin ratio, such that the muscles prefer glucose over fats, and fat cells are predisposed to convert glucose to fat. The glucose levels drop more quickly because the muscles and fat cells are using more of it.

Anorexics, children who intentionally starve themselves, are known to have extremely efficient glucose metabolism (tend towards hypoglycemia) and also to have a high ratio of adiponectin to leptin concentrations . This strategy maximizes availability of fatty acids to the heart and brain. It is curious that anorexia is much more common in girls, and ADHD is much more common in boys.

Researchers at Harvard Medical School suspected that there might be an association between anorexia and ADHD. To test this hypothesis, they compared girls with ADHD against a control group to see whether the ones with ADHD were predisposed towards anorexia(ADHD and Anorexia). The results showed that girls with ADHD were 3.6 times more likely than the control group to develop an eating disorder. I have come to believe that anorexia is a technique to combat ADHD that girls are able to adopt, whereas boys do not have enough fat cells to carry out the task of converting glucose to fat. Ritalin is well known to reduce appetite, and long term use can lead to an anorexia-like condition. It may well work, in part, because it achieves this ultra-thin state, thus conserving fats by minimizing the consumption of fat by cells that can get by on glucose.

TWO biggest problems in health:

For several decades now, Americans have come to believe that the following two practices are foundational in a healthy lifestyle:  eat a low-fat diet, and  stay away from the sun. Additionally, if people consume adequate amounts of calcium, then all three nutritional deficiencies that have led to obesity will be overcome: vitamin D, calcium, and dietary fat.

The lack of adequate dietary fat contributes to the metabolic syndrome in at least four ways:  vitamin D is only available in fatty food sources because it is a fat-soluble vitamin, calcium uptake is more efficient when the calcium is consumed with dietary fats, calcium uptake depends critically on the presence of vitamin D, which is deficient due to (1) above, and the burden of fat cells to manufacture fatty acids from sugar is alleviated by the dietary availability of fats from ingested food sources.

I would also argue that one should make sure to ingest adequate amounts of dietary fat, especially dairy fat . Whole milk is particularly outstanding because it contains substantial amounts of calcium and vitamin D, and it contains the necessary fat to assure that these two elements will be well utilized rather than just passing through the digestive system unabsorbed. Animal fats such as bacon are good sources of vitamin D, while also supplying fatty acids to help with energy needs. Fatty fish such as salmon and sardines are particularly good because they contain both omega-3 fats and vitamin D. One should assiduously avoid the trans fats found in processed foods such as cookies, crackers, and margarine. Butter and eggs are also healthy choices. Egg yolk is particularly good because it contains both fats and vitamin D. Nuts, particularly walnuts, almonds, and macademia nuts, are excellent sources of omega 3 fats.

The fat cells are able to influence the muscles to preferentially take up fats rather than glucose by releasing certain hormones into the blood, hormones that also have a powerful influence over appetite. One of these hormones is leptin. While leptin influences the muscle cells indirectly through its signaling in the hypothalamus, it also stimulates the muscle cells directly, and influences them to oxidize fatty acids in their mitochondria. Leptin also encourages the fat cells to release their fats through lipolysis. All of these actions work in concert to redirect fuel usage away from glucose. The programming of the muscles to preferentially consume fats aligns well with the fat cells’ infusion of fats into the blood and absorption of sugars through their fat-producing factories.

Leptin also has the effect, via the hypothalamus and pituitary gland, of suppressing appetite. Adiponectin is another hormone released by fat cells, and it is generally agreed that adiponectin induces hunger. Leptin and adiponectin levels would ordinarily fluctuate throughout the day, with leptin levels rising at night to encourage a switch from glucose-based to fat-based energy management. However, in the obese person, the leptin levels are typically high all the time, and the adiponectin levels are kept very low. High levels of leptin in the blood signal to the appetite center in the brain a sense of being full, whereas high levels of adiponectin are hunger-inducing. This means that the obese are being informed both that they are full, and that they are not hungry. You would think that this would protect them from overeating. However, it is likely that the observed insensitivity to leptin as an appetite suppressant in the obese is also related to calcium depletion, because the signaling mechanisms that respond to leptin in both the hypothalamus (Details) and the pituitary gland (Details) depend on changes in internal calcium concentrations

The result of these three deficiencies is defective glucose uptake in both muscle and fat cells. The obese person becomes trapped in an endless metabolic cycle of trying to supply the energy needed for a steadily increasing demand. The fat cells are at the center of the storm, because they are burdened with the arduous assignment of converting the excess consumed sugars and carbohydrates into fat. The fat cells must do this because the muscle cells are impaired with a malfunctioning ability to metabolise sugars. Even if the metabolic problem were not fixed, if the obese person simply ate more fat, and therefore consumed fewer carbs, the fat cells’ burden would be greatly alleviated. In addition, getting plenty of vitamin D and calcium, either through diet or sun exposure, would alleviate the core problem of impaired glucose transport across the cell wall. Now that the heart and muscles can utilize sugars directly, the excessive burden on the fat cells to expand and proliferate is relieved, and the body fat will inevitably melt away.

The metabolic syndrome is a term used to encapsulate a complex set of markers associated with increased risk to heart disease. The profile includes insulin resistance and dysfunctional glucose metabolism in muscle cells, excess triglycerides in the blood serum, high levels of LDL, particularly small dense LDL, the worst kind  low levels of HDL (the “good” cholesterol) and reduced cholesterol content within the individual HDL particles, elevated blood pressure, and obesity, particularly excess abdominal fat. I have argued previously that this syndrome is brought on by a diet that is high in empty carbohydrates (particularly fructose) and low in fats and cholesterol, along with a poor vitamin D status [Seneff2010]. While I still believe that all of these factors are contributory, I would now add another factor as well: insufficient dietary sulfate.

  • A recent analysis of data from the Nurses’ Health Study, an ambitious long-term study involving over 18,000 nurses, showed that fat in dairy consumption was associated with high fertility. Women who said they ate low-fat diary increased their risk of infertility by 85%, whereas women who consistently ate high-fat dairy decreased their risk by 27%. Fertility is an indicator of the degree to which the body perceives that it is prepared to support a fetus. Breast milk has an extremely high fat content, significantly higher than that of cow’s milk. It then seems logical that, once mother’s milk is replaced with table foods, these foods should continue to be high in fat content.

Heres an interesting tidbit on ketosis and pregnancy:

http://www.ketotic.org/2011/01/kb-are-important-for-fetal-development.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A71QF98qEXM

Recovery Full of Lean Gains Friday, Jan 21 2011 

LEAN_GAINS…. this is the dream of every eating disordered individual on the face of the earth. If you would like to sit back and think that there was no distinguishing your body image, weight and appearance in your eating disorder then be my guest, but realize I do not believe you. Everyone wants to feel good in their skin. Everyone wants to look good in their body. Everyone wants a carefree attitude toward themselves, their food, and how it interacts and relates in their every day lives.

When I was suffering the malnutrition and horrendous side effects of being stuck in a disease, everything about my body image and food intake, or lack thereof, was incredibly distorted but so REAL to me at the time. If you have been reading my blog you understand the first step in the right direction in recovery from an eating disorder is acceptance, not per say of yourself, because it is not possible with a distorted mind. But acceptance in recovering and finding yourself. This means you need to force your mind to separate from your body. See yourself as a being one entity, all of it’s own without your eating disorder. Put a cup in front of you and make that your disorder. It is NO longer in your mind. Until you can force yourself to see this difference, you will always live WITH an eating disorder rather than recover from one. Until you understand and accept it is all in your head, your life will be run by food- plain and simple. All food blogger’s lives are run by food. I do not think that is healthy. Hosting a recipe site is one thing, but if you need accountability for yourself via the web that is just weird. You lack of trust in yourself and you lack the maturity to force discipline in yourself.

What you do is up to you. How you recover is up to you. I have always held true to the fact that my recovery goes against conventional wisdom. You will never find a nutritionist or dietician who will say ‘my way’ is the right way. I can guarantee you their way isnt the right way simply because the right way is the way your PERSONALLY find and experience. You cant mirror someone else’s recovery or food because you are not them. All I can do is reflect with my blog what has worked for me and continues to amaze me everyday. And that is where LeanGains comes in…

Martin Berkhan hosts a website devoted to strength training and a dietary protocol which instills a no-strings-0r-emotional attachment guideline to food, eating, and lifting weights. I found Martin’s site well over a year ago and was immediately drop-of-the-jaw amazed by his research, self experimentation to find what works, as well as similarities between his dieting journey and my own. While looking at the website on first glance one would assume Martin is a genetic freak of nature, he was once a chubby kid just like I was. I was a fat, big-ol chubby child and teen. However I never really got overweight because I was strong, and active with cheerleading, dance and field hockey in high school.

However, college led me to drinking and eating all hours of the day which lead to some good fat gain. From there, I dieted down and turned on this genetic switch i have since been tryig to switch back off. I became this distorted beast of doubt, hate, willpower, and starvation. But most of all I suffered to most selfish mental hate you can imagine. I got so incredibly stick thin, gazing food, thinking about food, tallying food, drooling over recipes and food I would never touch, and doing just enough to stay alive(save for the 4 times I can actually remember almost dying). I hit rock bottom and tried conventional wisdom, conventional treatment and did any and everything the ‘industry’ wanted out of me. I slowly painfully and undevotingly put on enough weight to still be ‘anorexic’ but no longer deadly. you can coin this, no pun intended to my ability to fool the scale chugging water and putting rolls of quarters in my bra before ‘weigh-in.’ I hadnt accepted recovery because I didnt not trust or believe in ‘the industry.’ I needed to find what made sense to ME and only I could decide and find that.

Thing is nothing had changed following what doctors said. I was more food focused than ever, more tightly side tracked in counting, summarizing, tallying, everything like a second nature beat in my everyday obsessive life. All repetitive mind controlling like ackward ecstasy almost. I hated it and I hate going back there and remembering it. I hated my life. I hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t figure out what the fuck was wrong with me, why I WAS a freak and why I was so fat, but not ever really big at all. Why did I CARE about my food, why did I HAVE TO workout, why did I have to be that freak oddball whom everyone and their brother’s sister’s aunt’s cousin was nervous around; always tiptoeing around the right words.

Then I found LeanGains. Martin prescribes a basic guideline, easy, no thinking involved way of eating. JUST EAT 8 hours a day and GET ON WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE the other 16. Get it? Easy. This is how I based my recovery and weight gain over the past almost 2 years. At first I was a ‘zero carber’ but obviously when I started blogging was when I also gained some common sense as well- JUST EAT REAL FOOD, even easier. So, two things have come out of me in the past year :

*JUST FUCKING EAT 8 HOURS A DAY, enough to gain weight if you need to…it does not matter what your ‘macros are’ your ‘grams’ are etc etc. nothing to think about. Just devote 8 hours of your day for eating. From here, you work with yourself, finding what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. don’t eat shit you don’t like, don’t plan meals because you think you need X Y and Z, JUST EAT. If you cant cut it then DONT DO IT but I am informing you what works for me.

* I eat real food, simple. If it breathes in nature I prolly want it dead and on my plate., preferably rare and bloody. And yes, supposedly ‘plants’ and vegetables breathe too. And hands down dairy is food to me, I love it.

Has it worked? Haaa, only the best idea I have ever in my life followed through with. With 16 hours of a day left ‘free’ your mind has NO CHOICE but to find something else to do. You find new interests, hobbies, more time for family and friends, more energy devoted to your job, your affairs. Everything is less stressful, more calming and relaxed.

It also helped my digestion. Every eating disordered individual has some pooper problems, EVERY ONE. Whether you restrict or binge or barf you have gut malfunctions. Intermittent fasting allows your body a break, and time to assimilate and put to use all the good food you feed it when you do eat.

I was taught forced with this acceptance of recovery and trusting Martin’s guidelines as well as the nature of intermittent fasting, to eat big. Eat a big ass meal, lots of food. And I was still alive to tell the tale. My food digests relatively well prolly 90% better than it has in the past, and I am SATISFIED AT EVERY MEAL. Not a day goes by that I do not truly enjoy my meals, my food and the satisfaction of nourishing myself as it is meant to be. Now, this doesn’t mean my mind is disordered free, with my passion of the human body I often get caught up in 10 different studies at the same time and attempt to reflect them on myself, but it is no longer an eating disorder, no longer a petty hate I have toward myself. I just have this ever running mind that aims to discover the human mind, not so much into the human body and physique especially in reflection of myself.

LeanGains forced me to grow up and mature. I had no choice. I HAD to eat big, I HAD to nourish myself because I accepted recovery and getting healthy. Why did I? Because I accepted it.

Then, in the past couple months, I read Body By Science (recommend everyone read this book) and was further schooled on the human body and its adaption to strength. I became very interested in strengthening my body and found that lifting heavy shit a couple times a week left me feeling AMAZING, and even more relaxed and calm than I could imagine. I need to eat big because I want to strengthen my body, I have a goal.You cannot get stronger without eating well, eating a lot, and trusting what you are doing.  I want strength. When you have an eating disorder, you’re weak, not just physically but mentally. Lifting has allowed me to gain confidence, as I continue to do because I am amazed at what my body can do, handle and take. This confidence reflects now in my blogging, my ability to discover joy in life, find shit funny, sit back, kick back and just not care about shit sometimes. It allowed me to feel the NEED to eat and get stronger. And I have, results have shown that this works. I have gained lean body weight, in a healthy manner, and continue to get healthier each and everyday.

I literally look forward to relinquishing my beast lifting weights twice a week and TRUSTING this is all I need to do. Again, the amount of mental time I save is freaking awesome. Unlike many people who wake up cardio, walk, stretch, breakfast, followed by incremental meals every 2 hours, lifting, blah bLAH BLAH. Just live your life. Eat for 8 hours. Eat big. Eat till you satisfied, even a bit stuffed. THEN GET ON WITH THE SHOW. This my friends, works J I may still well be full of ‘beginners gains’ in my strength, but fuck I will take it, I am happy and I am strong.

So, since I know you are anxious to read up here are some I recommend:

http://www.leangains.com/ Martin’s site, obviously

http://www.leangains.com/2009/11/fasting-and-metabolism.html

http://www.leangains.com/2010/10/top-ten-fasting-myths-debunked.html Myths about Fasting

http://www.leangains.com/2010/08/high-reps-vs-low-reps-for-muscle-gain.html Strength Training

http://www.leangains.com/2009/08/questions-answers.html

http://www.leangains.com/2009/07/questions-answers.html

Well, there’s a shit load to read at the site, so if your interested please put aside time to read it!!!!!!!!!

I could quite possibly kick the shit out of you, both in lifting weights(accounting for bodyweight) and eating haha. Have a good weekend !!

PS- You can be the judge, here is me today, post lifting(if anyone knows how to get the video to turn right side up, please let me know!!!) :

Never Forget:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-NK1zlvffY