Accept and Find Motivation Tuesday, Dec 28 2010 

I dont give a flying fuck how sick or distorted of views you have about yourself or food or your body, until you find what the hell it is that motivates you to keep going, to find strength, and to accept recovery…. FLIPPIN DO IT

I need to be motivated. Motivated like I can’t even explain. See, I have this problem. I hate winter. On top of that, I don’t particularly enjoy food, making it or anything about food in general. I understand 100% the term ‘it’s just food’ but it comes with a I COULD CARE LESS about it attitude. This is good for some people, like dieters, but for a recovered anorexic, hating food is not going to get me anywhere. I HATE THIS. I have no desire or urge to eat. I don’t think about food(this part is new) but its drowning me out because I am tired, I have no motivation to DO anything, and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep sleep sleep. I am eating the same as I ever have and I lost weight, like 5lbs in a fucking week. How is that possible? I got so lividly mad because I just hate food. Now I hate it more- its supposed to do its fucking job so I can get on with it already. WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T IT WEIGHT ON ME? Fucking, food is supposed to give me energy, a sane mind, right did I mention ENERGY….motivation. I am lost, I have none.

Part of my accepting recovery, a BIG PART is trying to force myself to enjoy food or find something besides hate in it. I enjoy food enough now to say I eat more than my fair share of food when it is around. I enjoy chewing, swallowing, biting, feeling nutrients assimilate…but when it comes down to it I don’t give one flying fuck if you throw a can of sardines at me every single day, I will just eat it to get on with life. I realize I need food, I have to eat it. I accept that. But I still hate food- I don’t even want to have to choose it or look at it. Maybe I would like it more if I felt like it was benefiting me, but more food I get sleepier, I get more exhausted. Maybe it is a part of recovery? Maybe stuff is sorting itself out, maybe my body is turning on functions that were once shut off, and maybe my drive and enthusiasm is FINALLY starting to NOT come from feeding off starvation… very possible. Damnit, something else to accept and get on with life with. {INSERT SCREAM HERE}. Maybe, I just need to sit on my ass like I am (I am doing no movement whatsoever the past week or so), and continue being exhausted until my body works itself out.

I don’t think its more food I need, as I eat plenty, but I hate it. I tried massive starchy carbohydrates for ‘energy’ but nothing. I tried realllly nutrient dense food thinking something is off…but nothing. I tried fat bombing myself but…nada. I think I am just tired. I think I am like a bear; I need to hibernate in the winter and come out to the world again in the spring.  The good charlotte song says “motivate me, I want to get the fuck out of this place.” Money quote, I just want this feeling to pass the hell on and outta my life. I cant wait to go to sleep today, like I think if I fell over onto the floor of my office however I land, in 22 seconds (random?) I would be sound asleep.

I resort to retarded outthought food choices when I get exhausted. I just open cans and eat food. I really don’t much care what it is. Hell, ill prolly get mercury poisoning from the amount of canned seafood I have gone through the last week. I jumped in an ICE COLD shower this morning to wake myself up. My scream prolly woke up my roommate who has OFF work ALL WEEK, which just further pissed me off because he lays on the couch 24 hours a day…something I hate doing but potentially can see myself possibly enjoying right now.

Anyways, just showing some blood here and allowing you to see what a struggle feels like to me. I accept it. it sucks. But guess what, life goes on. If you keep doing the same routine over and over don’t ever expect different results. Accept life and recovery and yourself are all ever changing. Get the fuck on with life. I am young. Ill survive just fine. I have a crapload going for me, hell I look like a million buck compared to 10 months ago- that’s saying something. Just accept…just keep living. One thing that has helped is NOT having a routine, at all. Let my life come as it may and just accept it. force yourself in life, and you have to force yourself to eat well.

I think I stayed up to late last night celebrating the SAINTS VICTORY BOUYYYAAAA WHO DAT WHO DAT WHO DAT…and I am paying for it today.

Oh, and don’t worry, I gained the 5 lbs back…even if it is from sodium overload from my lazy canned food adventures…and cheese….holy lbs of cheese I have gone through lately hahha.

Your Questions, ANSWERED! Wednesday, Dec 22 2010 

Whitney: Did your hair ever fall out when you became malnourished? If it did fall out then has it regrown?

This is prolly the shittiest, down right upsetting and depressing part of malnutrition, starvation, anorexia etc. I use to have a flipping horse tail of thick ass hair. I had MASSIVE amounts of hair that took forever to blow dry. It was so flipping thick you could barely wrap your fingers around it and it was a workout to braid it. Then it started thinning, then it started breaking off. I lost a shitload of hair in college and even more when I moved here. One thing I do remember, when I initially started eating a shitload of food, it fell out even more, like handfuls. I got so scared because I was eating more than I ever had, and losing more hair at the same time! Anyways, it did stop. But I think you should realize its going to get worse before it gets better. Expect things to go wrong, go bad, and when you freak out about your body, calm down accept it and expect it. your hair is like some 6 months ahead of your health, and will reflect that.

In the beginning of your recovery did you wait to exercise?

I moved to Mississippi in the beginning of 2006, as a retired cheerleader who couldn’t take care of herself. At this point, my desire for a 6pack in my way-to-revealing uniform had become an obsession. Funny, my abs are 100% more defined now than they were in college when I was a crunch whore. I was hooked on the drive to run, to exercise, to absolutely run myself into the ground all day everyday, then wake up and do it again. It didn’t help I had a pool when I moved down here which just coupled the obsession. I was living off canned tuna and a bag of 100 cal popcorn. Threw in some bowls of lettuce and fruit here and there. Then, I hit rock bottom in the winter of 2006(winters and cold weather have never been a strong point for me, even now). Anyways, I was forced into help I couldn’t afford and was given an ultimatum: either I get thrown in a mental hospital treatment center for ED’s here (the program is well known, Tiger Woods went there lol) or I allow my parents to take control. I was NOT going to treatment so I let my parents have at me for about a year. First thing, I sit on my ass all day. My mom made dinner every night and I was to eat dinner every night with the family. I had a job as a hostess and was in school here at the time so I was only really home then. It worked, I went from prolly 85lbs to about 100lbs then got fed up. Anyways, after allowing my body to sit I never had a desire to pick up the cardio go go go exercise thing again. So I haven’t been on a ‘run’ or jog, or anything even relating to cardio since 2006. I doubt I ever will again mostly because I hurt my knees earlier this year. The beginning of this year, when I ended my touting on zero carb and started eating paleo, I was still doing no exercise. I was in straight casts on my knees because I am a dumbass and fell, spraining both MCL’s and tearing both meniscus’….painful fucking shit. I still am living down this pain, I didn’t get the ‘required’ surgery because I cannot afford it, and I am ‘tougher’ than that haha. Hardass, I know. So after being primal or whatever, basically just eating real food from February until about July I still did nothing. Come the end of July this year, I started with girl pushups, on my knees. That’s all I had strength for. Then I moved to pushups against the wall. Then I did fake dips where I lifted myself up because I wasn’t strong enough. Then I held myself over a chin up bar until I was strong enough to lift myself and do a real chin up. And now I am here. Beginner gains baby haha J

The short answer… I stopped exercise because I was forced unwillingly in 2006 and I never got back into it. I hate running. I hate cardio. I like pushups and chinups and pullups. But even that, has only been the past 4-5 months. About 3 weeks ago I added deadlift- ONCE A WEEK.

Jill: I never heard of these. Do these give sample meal plans to get a grasp on it all?

I still go overboard on all my food. And my body suffers. I’m constipated a lot. And very tired and sluggish. I’m starting to think I have something internal wrong with me. I overdo foods all the time, thinking I need to get the calories in…but suffer! I do like chocolate do (70 percent or greater currently). The HARDEST thing is being okay with eating like this (eating a lot, a lot…and eating chocolate) and never exercising. I sit 24-7. Maybe why I’m as stiff as a wooden doll.

You lost me on this question, I don’t understand what you are asking but I will try to answer. Sample meals? I have posted sample meals before so backtrack in my blog, I don’t eat much different now.  I just eat real food. I do eat a lot more carbohydrates than I use to. I found these cool purple potatoes at the farmers market that taste like white potatoes, its sweet! I think you’re sluggish because you destroyed your body starving it. Your tired because you over think your food. It is JUST food. You can’t obsess and expect to eat a meal then feel good, it doesn’t work that way. Matt at 180 degree health told me this recently I think it may help you :

I’d rather see you construct a diet based on what tastes the best to you, with the flexibility to eat anything and everything that appeals to you at the moment you are inclined to eat it – without attaching some kind of analysis to it.  I have been doing this lately personally, which has really helped me out.  There is no perfect way to construct a diet in your mind. It’s your body and its changing needs that must be catered to.  A little consistency sure, but not too rigorous.

What I do know is that a lot of minor issues resurface as you start to eat more and put on some body mass.  Perhaps it’s due to digestive weakness at the start.  Perhaps it’s due to blood sugar dysregulation of an impaired metabolism.  Perhaps it’s a combination of dozens of factors.

But I think what I’ve been most successful at helping people with is pressing through some of that stuff, increasing their food tolerances, their freedoms, and more as some of the minor stuff fades away over time.

Recovery will be met with lots of these little speed bumps (yeah, that’s what we’ll call those things!).  Whatever you can do to not get tripped up on them, do it.  Expect them.  See them as a sign that you are moving in the right direction. Try not to make too many assessments or Sherlock Holmes the crap out of everything that you experience.  Once your body weight is back to a level your body runs better at, you can tweak the minor details.

I’d also encourage you to give ONE strategy a shot for a prolonged period of time without tweaking the details or moving on to the next hot thing 2 weeks later.  A long-term vision is required to make permanent changes.  Think in 3-month blocks, not 3 day blocks, which is easier said than done!

The thing is, there is NO ONE answer to ‘what is wrong’ with your body at any given time, or just by a given feeling. The thing you NEED to focus on is finding out and discovering what YOU like, what makes YOU feel good, what works for YOU. Nobody else in this entire world is you and nobody else will react to recovery like you, or me, or some other blogger. Experiment on yourself, try different foods. Find food you LIKE, and eat them. Your body will thank you. Do not eat food X because I eat it, or because it is deemed ‘healthy.’ Eat a flipping pancakes and sausage breakfast because YOU LIKE IT. Not exercising is what it is. You both accept it and get on with life, or you freak about it which will cause a host of problems in itself. I just had to tell myself to chill the fuck out, sit the fuck back, rest and eat. Obviously, it paid off because I am stronger now than I ever have been and my bones/joints are finally not feeling like they belong to my dead grandma.

Molly: How many times a week do you “exercise” and apart from formal exercise, do you stay active/sedentary?

I ‘workout’ twice a week. It consists of EXACTLY this: pushups, chinups, assisted pullups(I use my feet to help because I cannot do them on my own yet), and upside down pushups(take the bar and swing under it and pull yourself up to it, like a pushup but upside down). So one day (usually Wednesdays) I do pushups, chinups, pullups and the reverse pushups.

The second workout is deadlift. I just started this about 3 weeks ago. Saturday morning, after coffee, I go to this shitty gym, pay $3 dollars and do 3 sets of deadlift. So, $1 a set haha. Last week I upped 185lbs. I did the first set at 8, the last 2 at 5. So one set of eight, 2 sets of 5. That’s it on this day. I ONLY deadlift, then leave the gym.

So total, I do about 45 minutes, rests included, of anything formal a week. Unless your desire is GAINING strength, I do not see lifting as anything necessary. I like it because it is mentally calming for me. I have an aggressive mind, I get really really mad sometimes about nothing and I cant control it. Lifting allows me to release this, and I handle life much better.

I think cardio is ridiculously stupid, pointless and counter productive to anyone who wishes to have a balanced normal body. Don’t do it. There’s a difference between taking a walk to the store or park, and waking up to jog.

Other than that, I have a desk job 8-10 hours a day as an accountant. When I get off I go home and eat dinner and lay around watching sports on TV or FOX news and text people lol. Every night pretty much. Weekends I watch football and drink alcohol, because I like it.

Bridget: Here’s a question: Would you every do a video/vlog post? Like one of you doing your workout or something?

I have no idea how to do that unless I have a video camera?? And no, I don’t. Maybe some guys at work do, ill ask around but I am not too adamant on showing you my pushups lol. Youtube is full of chicks doing that. I do think it would be cool to turn the thing on and talk though haha. I might be able to do that from my laptop.

Katy: What’s your favorite thing to eat?

You know, I get asked this a lot (no where near as much as the workout thing though…). I think every time I make a new food or try something different, I have a new favorite thing to eat. I like to make meatballs and season them different themes like Italian, curry, sage/thyme, spicy just try different things. It helps me figure out what I think ‘goes well’ together. Like Italian meatballs, I like with tomatoes roasted with garlic and butter, and mozzarella. Curry I like to use meat and a sauce with coconut butter. Spicy, I stuff pepper with ground sausage and add a kick of ginger or cinnamon to bring out the spiciness of them. I try new vegetables when I see ones I haven’t tried.

My go-to food I think I will always love: beef, sweet potatoes, full fat yogurt, fruit with cream or coconut milk, cheese all kinds of cheese, coconut products, eggs. And I love every single vegetable expect green onions…maybe a few others lol.

Katy: You just got 6-pack abs from eating primal?!?!

Yes, I promise. And never ever in my life have my abs been this defined. When I ran 23049650134 miles a week, ‘watched’ my food and ate healthy, and starved myself and did exercise A B and C for ‘abs’ I NEVER HAD ABS. When I was forced to sit still and eat, low and behold there they are! I think they needed nutrition and rest and massive amounts of food. I do know that anything focusing on your abs will NOT grow muscles there. Movements that force your lower back to be stable and your body centered are what grows abs. Planks are a good start.

Rebekah: First of all, I LOVE your writing. You are an inspiration. Please, please, please keep posting. I have been reading through all of your previous posts, and I am in awe of you! You exude strength, courage, wisdom, knowledge, humor, and compassion. I know I will never be able to understand your struggle, but I do know that I’m amazed by you!

I’d love to know more about malnutrition. What books did you read? Can you provide any of the titles?

Thank you. I hope that what other people get from my blog is to find what works for them and accept that only they can determine that. You gain strength and confidence and wisdom by doing this J.

I started with a textbook called disease and malnutrition of the human body (or something). You can prolly find it on Amazon. I bought it off a guy who used it for college here. Then I bought metabolism and endocrinology off Amazon, another textbook. Then I started reading PubMed and Paleolithic stuff. I am not as big a fan of Paleo, Sally Fallon, and all the hype as I once was. What makes one person feel good and happy is not what makes another person feel good and happy. It all boils down to stress and how your body reacts to your mind. Your attitude toward food and your body will determine how you look. Accept real food, and accept what works for you and what you like. Just because I don’t eat quinoa doesn’t mean you won’t love the stuff!

Rebekah: I’ve struggled for years with depression and binge eating. This year, I made the connection that sugar = sadness. So I cut it out of my diet. Then I figured out that wheat wasn’t doing much for me, either. It’s been a slow march from SAD eating to Sally Fallon-esque eating (heavy on meats, fats, and fermented food … not so much of anything else). But now I’m craving real knowledge on nutrition, to back up my body’s innate wisdom.

Obviously I hate on wheat and refined anything. It has no place in the human body. But not expanding your variety will cause you more mental turmoil and social hardship than I think is necessary. You live to eat when you do this instead of eat to live. Don’t focus so much on what you can or can’t eat and focus on real food. No one can bash you because you don’t eat ‘fake’ shit like chips and cake.

Have you read Emily’s Evolutionary Psychiatry website? I think you would learn a lot from her posts. Some are too technical for me but there is usually some sort of recap in them. she is a very smart lady! Also, check out the Perfect Health Diet website.

Rebekah: My family members keeping asking why I eat fat, and bones, and marrow. It would be helpful to explain to them scientifically why I eat in this manner (as opposed to giving them my usual response of “I just feel better.”) So any book recommendations you have would be greatly appreciated!

Um, if I only ate meat, bones and marrow I would have some ‘splainin to do as well. I was zero carb for a year before I was forced to change. I think you’re over thinking food here. You expect certain food to make you binge, you expect to be stressed about food X Y and Z and you expect that meat and fat are the only things that work….because you read it somewhere. Someone placed the belief in your head that this is true. You really truly believe this. This started because it WORKED FOR ONE PERSON but you are not that person. I did one time too believe this. But you need to DROP ALL the attitude, preobsession, post-thoughts you have about food and look at it for what it is. Just food. Just nourishment. You’ll find maybe you actually react a lot differently than you force yourself to react. I swore up and down I was insulin resistant for the longest time, years. But I am not. I handle carbs just fine. I do think saturated fats, and natural fats have a real place in the human diet and many people are lacking so much of the quality it provides but I doubt your years in from living off fried food and vegetable oil or packaged food and junk.  I do agree refined sugar=problems just as much as refined oil=problems.

Book recommendation. Actually I recommend you do not read ANY BOOKS AT ALL or surf the blog or internet 24/7 at all. Just stop it all. Accept you will go on a journey to find what works for you! Obviously, you know good food. Make a base off marrow bones and fatty meat, but work up from there. Add foods you like to this. You don’t need justification for what you eat or why you eat if you aren’t obsessing and aren’t stressed all the time. No one would question your food choices if you didn’t make it a big deal. I am not into ‘convincing’ my family I can eat _____ but not _______. I don’t care anymore. Really, I accept I eat what works for me and I am still figuring this out, so fuck the rest. It’s not their problem, it is mine. If I need help, I’ll ask. But always allow them to offer advice, and help because they only want you happy. They really truly do NOT understand you or how your mind works. You need to accept that. Or try to explain it to them. Tell them how your thought process works when you eat fatty meat. Then put a donut in front of you and tell them about your anxiety and fear of binging. Tell them EXACTLY what is going on in your head. They will get it then, and they will want to HELP you and even cook you big chuck roasts!

Rebekah: And finally … how did you learn how to do unassisted chin-ups?! I love push-ups, but chin-ups seem beyond me. Any advice would be great!

I sort of explained this up top somewhere but ill try again. Find a bar you can hold yourself over and do that, 3 times holding yourself there until you fall. Do it once a week until you’re strong enough to lower yourself to 90 degrees with your arms and again, hold yourself there as long as you can, 3 times. Then start doing jumping chinups. Jump from the ground only enough that you are struggling to get yourself over the bar. Do that 3 times. By the way, none of this will help to gain strength if you aren’t eating in a caloric surplus.  You can just magically get stronger if you don’t change how you eat.

Tori: I’ve heard about the carb hypothesis. I don’t know. What’s your take? I thought you’ve mentioned you stay away from bread, but am I mistaken?

People eat bread all the time in the Bible! Jesus can’t be wrong!  Haha!

I am a roman catholic, this is a confusing question. But I think you are taking it into a literal sense. Jesus even says he is the ‘bread of life’. Now, that is a symbolic meaning, and I think you know that. It is not saying Jesus is literally bread, but that he symbolizes a wealth of nourishment. Jesus does state ‘thy shall eat from the fat of the land’ I don’t think he means there is fat in the soil, but that it symbolizes they will find and eat meat. Also, I read this from Kevin Brown who wrote

The Liberation Diet: I have written an article called “The Spiritual Side of Healthy Eating” in which I try to incorporate God’s input on diet. Of course, as we believe God is the Creator, there is no Paleo diet, as we became meat eaters after our fall into sin in the garden of Eden. We were designed to eat plants initially, bread after the fall into sin, and animals after the flood of Noah’s day. We are not currently able to do well on a high-grains or high fruit diet. God gives us a perfect illustration of a healthy meal in Genesis 18 where He records the foods that He eats, and we know that God does all things perfectly. Any record of a meal that God eats personally includes fat and protein.

Laura: you’ve mentioned before that you eat between 2000-3000 calories a day eating off primal food. Ive always been taught that total calories count, and if you exceed what your body needs then you will gain weight. Ive been contemplating to switch over to full on primal eating but am afraid with all the calories to keep my satisfied, I’ll just gain weight. Are you eating this amount of food to gain for the time being?

Are you asking my to set you a calorie goal….oh shit, I feel a coonass rant coming on. First of all I am confused by the question? Are you on a restrictive diet now? If so, why the fuck are you restricting your food intake? Weight gain and weight loss have nothing to do with calories. Some days I eat well over 3000 ‘calories’ in the sense that the USDA calculates them. So what does that mean? Nothing. Should I be a fatty pants for eating a lot sometimes? Its food, not a number. You have been taught wrong, sorry. Eat for health and nutrition, not weight and numbers. I can’t advise you there. Why are you afraid of gaining weight? If you’re scared of gaining, you’re scared of eating and thus you’re scared of food….back to step one where you ACCEPT RECOVERY. RECOVERY HAS NO CALORIE ALLOTMENT OR NUMBERS. Recipe for weight gain and stress right there when you inquire about calories, regardless of what you eat. Keep satisfied?? This sounds like you’re trying to LOSE weight. Eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. Your body will work out the rest. I don’t eat any portioned ‘amounts’ of food, I JUST EAT REAL FOOD…when I am hungry….and I stop when I am full. Whatever plan you pick, be it vegan, carnivore, Mediterranean, paleo WHATEVER….just pick something and stick to it. BE DONE WITH THE DECISION MAKING. EAT FOOD YOU LIKE. Do not go searching for the ‘next big thing’ (again, thanks to Matt for that one…I get it now).

I guaran-damn-tee you found my blog and now want to be ‘full on primal’ because you saw how MY BODY took to it. Your body isn’t my body. Your body might not need as much food as mine; it might need much more, who the hell knows?!? You won’t know until you learn to listen to yourself, your likes, and find what works for your body. What if you like beans? Beans aren’t paleo. What if you like hummus, hummus aint paleo. God forbid you like peanut butter…it’s a legume. If you force primal eating thinking you’ll get a six pack, you are SADLY mistaken. My point is what works for me isn’t guaranteed to work for someone else (not to all out bitch at you). I can tell you what works for me, but it won’t work for you because you are not me.

And the last question, my weight fluctuates between none of your damn business and no I am not disclosing you with it. Not being a bitch, but it is disordered of you to wonder about food, weight and fear it. FIX IT AND ACCEPT RECOVERY. I have come one hell of a long way in the past 9-10 months but it is a CRACK, a small minute almost nonexistent step in the rest of my life. Yes, I have come far physically, but I have one hell of a long way to still go. I can’t even begin to describe that just eating food again and putting on weight is not recovery. My recovery is no where near ‘over’ and I don’t want people to get the idea that once you get to a normal BMI life is peachy. Life is one shit-ton better, but it is still life. There are things going on in my body that are weird, wrong, unhealthy and are finally surfacing now that my body is up and running again. That sucks. Nothing like feeling like shit when you’ve worked so hard, but as is life, it will pass. It still sucks sometimes: like my car broke down this week and I had to fix it and now have no money for Christmas presents. I got pissed. Like really really really obnoxiously mad, kicked the shit out of my car etc. I REALLY REALLY wanted to lose weight when this happened, for absolutely no fucking reason at all. Just because, it was so ridiculous and I was so mad. But guess what, that’s life. I paid to tow and repair my car and I ate plenty of food…as much as I may have hated it all.

Here’s a few tips for anyone who is interested in what I would tell someone to eat:

What do you like? What makes you feel good? EAT THAT. I don’t care what the hell it is, if you like it, it makes you feel good, then why would you NOT eat it??? Why does it matter what I eat and like, you’re not me and we WILL NOT like that same things. This is why I don’t run a recovery based food blog. No one should eat like ANY retarded blogger you see sharing their every meal with you- ESPECIALLY ONE IN RECOVERY FROM AN EATING DISORDER. Just because blogger ‘A’ likes to start the day with a green chia/flax protein smoothie sure as hell does not mean I will. I don’t care what the fuck you ‘think’ is healthy about it, it could provide every single vitamin, mineral and amino acid and I wouldn’t touch it, holy ew. You could be the most admirable person with a body I think is fantastic, and just because you like oatmeal and beans and egg whites will not convince me to change and I will never want to or try to mock you. I think this sets me apart…everyone is looking for ‘what to eat’ and ‘the answer’….EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, LISTEN TO YOUR MIND AND BODY.

What is food to you? EAT THAT, even if it is a powder in a bottle. If you really truly believe that a tofurki-fuck-what-its-called tofu nugget will make you happy and healthy, THEN BY ALL MEANS EAT IT.

Some choices are better than others. Nobody should eat refined food or products at all, but is that possible when one wants to live life more than live vicariously through some sick food opinions or health obsessions? Almond butter is a ‘refined product’ because it is not raw almonds straight from the shell, it is grinded almonds. Does that mean I shouldn’t eat it if it is served at my friend’s house…? FUCK NO, I am eating. Just because poultry is not something I like to eat ever but I am out to dinner on a date, and they’re serving turkey or chicken, does that mean I can’t eat because of the mass PUFA in poultry?? FUCK NO, I am eating.

I am still eating cheese even if it isn’t raw because I am a dairy whore, but you’re damn set in your ways I WILL NOT touch a low-fat product, at all, in any form. I won’t touch wheat and grains. I draw a line, I eat real food, there are margins of area where I just won’t touch it but not because I think oh my God it will destroy my body. It is a simple passing thought of ‘that’s not food.’ There aren’t nonfood products that ‘tempt’ me like some people experience. You can put me in the office break room full of krispy kremes, cookies and cinnamon rolls…and it doesn’t phase me, at all. No stress, no I wish I could have that. It’s like a toy, not food and I think the way people act around that junk, especially during the holidays is just downright sick.

Odds & Ends… Friday, Dec 17 2010 


*Gary Taubes has a blog, I find it funny….he believes the ‘carb hypothesis’….guey and then admits he knows nothing about omega 6, fructose and industrial vegetable oil…as in, he doesn’t think theres anything in herently wrong with eating that junk.

*Don’t believe anything you read on a blog(except maybe mine but I don’t claim to ‘know’ anything I just tell you what works), seriously, especially a health blog.

* I have an experiment brewing in my head I want to try… if I decide on it I will let y’all know. In a nutshell, its meat and taters…

* We usually get a turkey at work for Christmas. All the employees get one to take home for Christmas dinner….yeah, didn’t happen this year. Now I need to buy my mom a turkey, damnit.

* I asked for a pressure cooker for christmas, and a Saints hoodie. I am way overly excited for a pressure cooker.

* I made my first REAL reduction gravy sauce this week….time consuming, but frikin amazing. I used Richards recipe at Free the Animal but added more butter, less wine and a packet of gelatin (because I have it and I convince myself it makes my knees hurt less- placebo, prolly)

* I can do over 20 guy pushups in one set, and ALMOST 7 chin ups in one set, and a bunch of dips but I didn’t count them 🙂

* I do no ab exercises whatsoever, at all, ever…and I have a 6 pack. Obviously singling out on muscle group doesn’t work, stop doing crunches you fool

* I actually get sad when I see people living of shitty food and food that is just….not food. like, it makes no sense to me I don’t get it. My sadness turns to rage and anger when someone like this tries to school me on oatmeal and wheaties health, along with soy milk. If people only understood…

* I work on Christmas Eve, so I am not sure how I will make it to Christmas Eve Mass…hmmm

* My older brother got his dream job. He leaves/moves in about 40 days, to VIRGINIA. I am proud and happy for him but very, very sad. I don’t ‘have anyone’ down here but my family. I don’t want him to move. We have been separated WAY too much in the past…10 years… he was deployed for like 6 I am JUST now learning about the person he turned into while he was at war. Obviously. this job is a big deal but poop, it sucks.

Open Questions….

If anyoen has questions for me about anything, post them in the comment, random, recovery related, I dont care…and I will post them in my next blog post 🙂

What did YOU ASK FOR for Christmas?

My Dark Passenger Monday, Dec 13 2010 

My apologies if this post makes no sense to anyone!

I am pretty convinced that everyone has a twisted mind. No one person’s mind is just ‘normal.’ I mean when you think about it, what the hell depicts a ‘normal mind’? no one can tell you what is normal but there is an obvious line drawn between one who exists in life as an active passenger of sound mind, and one who goes through life encompassed by their ‘dark passenger.’ I recently finished watching the full series of Dexter. Amazing show. I was hooked from episode one, and I hate TV. This is the only time in my life I have EVER watched a TV show.

If you have suffered an eating disorder or traumatic mind altering experience in your life, then you have a dark passenger. It follows you everywhere. It is always there. It will always be there. I recommend anyone who thinks they may have a dark passenger to watch Dexter; you will relate. He makes sense to me. Everything he does I understand. It’s twisted, distorted and out of the ordinary. His mind works much like my own and probably yours to. There is this inner monologue that is shared throughout the show, and while it is used as a punch of comical relief it is insanely much like my own mind.

Dexter defeats his dark passenger by killing people; he is a serial killer. He cannot experience peace in life without taking a deserving person’s life. It’s like his adrenaline rush and stress relief. And it’s sick because I understand it. Dexter is a man who believes himself inhuman, much like me, a monster incapable of human emotions. He constantly examines his life via this inner monologue and he catches himself with emotions which often surprise him, and often serves as a clue to what is going on around as well as within him.

I feel like I go through life with no emotions whatsoever. I have this inability to talk to people if emotions are involved. My mind, often just comes up with these sick and twisted thoughts or ideas. I always keep them to myself because they are definitely not normal. Or the opposite end, I just bash out at people in my head; obviously not something to be shared with anyone vocally. Like I make the snarkiest smartass comments but it is all inner monologue with myself. My mind stays occupied 24/7 with my own inner monologue. It’s like I lack to ability to ‘get out’ of my head.

For me to be able to just conversate with someone I have to really try hard at it. I have to distract my ‘dark passenger’ from myself which is a constant struggle. It’s almost as if it is easier to stay quiet (because there’s plenty of conversation in my head) than it is to face the constant struggle of distraction. I do not understand emotions. I really do not know how to express them or feel them. I know I love my mom, dad and brothers but I have no idea how to feel it, or how to express it. I lack words ALL the time. Take for example, a kitchen table with my parents and brother, and myself sitting at it. Everyone is chatting. This blows my mind. People can just talk, like it comes naturally. I just sit and listen, and even that is hard in itself. I have to pause my inner monologue and try to take in what is being said.

It is so hard because my mind just keeps going, having conversations with itself. Sometimes it’s funny and I will be at my desk and start laughing for no reason. I also find some really twisted things hilarious. Like videos of people getting hurt. Like, I pee my pants laughing. Have you seen the youtube video of the guy who gets hit by a bus trying to dance to ‘teach me how to dougie’? I couldn’t control myself after I watched that video- it was so flippin funny.

But my dark passenger is not an eating disorder and it never was. However, my dark passenger became anorexia when I lost the ability to keep it occupied. Malnutrition pretty much caused this morph in my mind and from there; all life was a struggle that I could not occupy. I couldn’t get out of it. There are bigger emotions and experiences in life than the petty ones I cling to and carry along. That still holds true today. Everyday is a constant struggle to keep my inner dialogue still.

I am not a depressed person, but the depressed mind struggles with itself and adopts stances and ideas it can latch onto and hold like a cross in a catholic church. What the depressive mind latches onto serves as encouragement. This usually leads to obsession and ends up in an unstoppable loop of inner dialogue that keeps you going. Taking views and seeing experiences in a certain way will shape how you handle them. Some can be made brighter and some can be self tormenting. I relate a lot to the depressed mind, but my dark passenger was forever changed the day I accepted recovery from anorexia. I cannot, and don’t ever expect my dark passenger to go away- it will always be there. But, anorexia has left me.

But it’s hard. Besides having a 24/7 internal conversation with myself, I have to distract my mind from feeding off starvation. My dark passenger loves malnutrition, loves starving. My mind gets amplified from a lack of nutrition and my thoughts morph into self hate, self harm etc. I needed in my recovery, to find a way to tame this beast that had become of my mind.

Enter self discovery and self challenge.

I am a stubborn person. A quiet stubborn person. I’m never ‘sick’ or ‘hurt’ or ‘in pain.’ Maybe because I don’t much know what that means or maybe because I hate people worrying about me or even thinking about me. I found only one thing during recovery that keeps my dark passenger…. satisfied. That is pushing myself to the extreme- twice a week. I needed to do something that would temporarily exhaust me to the point of no thought. But this lack of thought brought me total satisfaction, peace of mind and comfort. It is the only way I could release the built up everything in my mind. I can’t share my thoughts usually because they are just fucked up. I can’t feel emotions because I don’t really know how to. I can’t conversate well because I don’t have anything to talk about.

But I can tell you when I do a set of pushups until my chest is going to smack the ground I do not FEEL ANYTHING in my head afterwards. It’s gone. The dark passenger temporarily leaves. It’s like the sky cleared and I have an understanding- of something. It’s a moment of optimism and confidence that appears, a glimmer of hope, of normalcy and everything seems brighter. Obviously given this post, it doesn’t last. It wears off and the dark passenger needs to be fed another eat-my-shorts exhaustive episode of something. It’s my own struggle, my own internal struggle.

Who do we blame for our internal struggles? I have never ever in my life thought that my ‘self’ was the fault of anyone or anything but me. It has always been all my fault. I have always been quiet, and weird. When shit goes bad, it’s on me because I make it that way. When I am silent at a table of talking people, it’s my fault. When I don’t get a phone call return from a left message, I fucked something up. Anorexia as well, I have always thought was my own doing that started as some measly desire for a 6pack turned obsessive turned uncontrollable.

But recovery was all me as well, that is real power. Real strength. No one gets credit for my recovery but me. No one understands why throwing around heavy shit and myself periodically keeps me sane. I have a need to exert my mental turmoil, shit, congestion (whatever the hell it is) onto something so as to release it. Heavy stuff works. Challenging my body works. You’ll never see me jog a mile or step on an elliptical machine ever again in my life, but you can bet I will challenge you to a pushup contest. The thing is, when I accepted recovery my dark passenger was not a part of it. Eating enough food for my desire to lift heavy shit is NOT hard. Gaining weight is not hard.  Food isn’t part of my warped mind any longer. It doesn’t tally and count and obsess about portions or macronutrients or pre & post workout eating. There’s no when how or why to eating. That is freeing, peaceful…crazy really.

My dark passenger won’t ever leave. It has been there my entire life. It’s constantly chugging away with mental conversations. But it no longer takes my good health away from me. It no longer pinpoints food and my body image as a means to rear an ugly side of me. It no longer feeds off starvation and I no longer live in denial or a place where I need to justify my every move. If my mind would like to be on ‘go’ all the time I can accept that as I have never felt it any other way. If I am always going to be a quiet person I can accept that. If I fail to understand real emotions, I believe a time in my life will come where I can understand what it means to have real contact and feelings with or for someone else. What I have is inner strength as long as I have my health. Real power.

My thoughts seem to be in control a lot. Sort of sick, but it’s mostly to pass time and is usually, to my weird self, comical. If people in general knew the unstableness of my mind and its thought pattern that I keep so tightly cased away within myself I can’t quite imagine what would happen. I have such an inconsistent perspective on life, on anything. I can change my mind 100 times just to entertain my mind. Its why having a desk job is hard for me, why watching TV is damn near impossible, and why constant repetition of something, even if it is thoughts is a joy to me. Some people can sit in the park and feed ducks all day. Sitting on a bench at a park would be damn near impossible for me because there is so much going on in my head. Maybe, if one day I could gain power over my dark passenger, this shadowing cloud over my every move in life, then I will productively be able to share feelings and conversation with other people.

But for now, I sit with myself all day, 8-10 hours at a desk at my job and allow thoughts to pop in my head and move about. One thought cues a wide array of reactions and associations and all the sudden there’s a whole series of connected thoughts going on. I don’t let the dark passenger ‘get to me’ like it use to. I can’t change it. I am who I am and I will always be. Maybe along with accepting recovery and health I accepted that I am ‘different’ and carry a dark passenger with me wherever I go. I don’t let it get out of hand though- I get to a point where I cant possibly think of anything more twisted and I recap at how someone could actually think of the stuff I do. And it doesn’t upset me. A normal person would find that disturbing, really really disturbing. Why doesn’t it upset me?

There isn’t an absence of people in my life to talk to. There’s plenty of social contact between me and people, but it happens just because. I have daily interactions with coworkers and friends but at the end of the day, there is me, and my thoughts. I am left with only my own thoughts.

What if everything you ever wanted cost you everything you ever achieved? Would you still?

I don’t want anyone to think I feel sorry for myself. I don’t. I didn’t write this post for sorrow or even anyone to relate to. You can’t relate to me. You can’t relate to my recovery. You can start your own. You can understand your own recovery and your own self. Not everyone has a dark passenger. Some people who ‘recover’ are still forever encompassed in food obsession. I find this very saddening and I would argue malnutrition but it’s not my choice. I don’t end the day wishing tomorrow will be better, I accept today and look forward for tomorrow.

I think now, with acceptance my dark passenger keeps me from going over the edge, from giving up and giving in. My private struggle use to mean loneliness and despair but now I am free from the darkness and pain and fear. While my mind may seem as a comical relief compared to the past, it is still my ever thinking rolling mind.

Do I think this is normal? Nope

Do I think you can relate? Yes, but not in a personal way. We are all so very different

Do I think it’s a good thing? Anorexia resulted in death. I look at my dark passenger as a Zen tradition “Nen nen ju shin ki” which means something like “Thought following thought.”

There are so many maybes to everything too. Maybe I am just lonely. Maybe I am just a freak. Maybe I am normal. Maybe I am broken. Maybe this is the way my life should be going. Maybe I should accept it.


I think this is why I could watch Dexter. It compelled me to see someone act like I do. A part of life, holding a job and her health, but seriously carrying around this dark passenger everywhere she goes all the while striking me as comical. When I do muster up emotions, they surprise me. I don’t always grasp what is going on around me, or within me but I have experienced remorse, and guilt. I have experienced accomplishment, especially with recovery. So I am not just a mute to life, its more like mild autism if I had to give it a name.

It makes me scared to know I may one day share my everyday with another person, a husband. That I will have to find a way to heal this constant mind. There’s troubling truths I carry, everyone carries with them everyday. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has wounds, distastes and everyone is their own freak surrounded by normalcy. I mean look at the current state of the U.S…moral idiocy. No one knows how to act, what to believe, where to turn and what to abandon.

Erratic thought is neither completely centered nor completely bizarre. I lack the indecision and second-guessing associated with so much. I have a preference for creativity and intuition, but also enough sufficient verbal skills to be able to translate in any meaningful way to myself and others.

***All in all, you are likely to be quite content with yourself and your style although at times it will not necessarily be appreciated by others. You have sufficient confidence to not second-guess yourself, but rather to use your critical faculties in a way that enhances, rather than limits, your creativity. You can learn in either mode although far more efficiently within the visual mode. It is likely that in listening to conversations or lecture materials you simultaneously translate into pictures which enhance and elaborate on the meaning.  It is most likely that you will gravitate towards those endeavors which are predominantly visual but include some logic or structuring. You may either work particularly hard at cultivating your auditory skills or risk “missing out” on being able to efficiently process what you learn. Your own intuitive skills will at times interfere with your capacity to listen to others, which is something else you may need to take into account***


Post Holiday Binge Monday, Nov 29 2010 

A BINGE ON HAPPINESS MIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a sick sort of twisted way I got a kick out of the first passing holiday this year. One year ago, come thanksgiving I was flipping out about having to eat turkey injected with sodium phosphate (which in the grand scheme of things is not a big deal) and refused to even eat the thanksgiving turkey my mom slaved over all morning. There was no real rhyme or reason to this, I just freaked out about food anyone made- it wasn’t pure or comfortable or something. IT WASN’T THE SAME AS I WAS USE TO EVERY SINGLE DAY IN AND DAY OUT OF MY RUDUNDANT POINTLESS EXISTENCE at the time.

LAST year, I brought my own free range chicken and cooked it in a toaster oven and served myself a roast chicken while avoiding 100% of everything my mama made. Holy shit, I am so ashamed of what I did. It was around this time last year, post thanksgiving, that my older brother and parents saw me start going downhill again. Everything became repetitive, and when you eat zero carb which I did at the time (meat only) and you become repetitive…well there’s a problem. I was eating the same thing same amount everyday. Eventually it led to weight loss (which nutritional deficiencies do) and relapse at the beginning of this year. Obviously, February of this year I got on the primal bandwagon and would venture a bet that I have tried every single vegetable, fruit, nut and meat available to me.

Then there was this year. I was more worried about what to bring than ever. The possibilities were endless! I could make pumpkin pie, chocolate strawberries, coconut balls….I was excited, about making food. This was a first. I ended up choosing to season and bake apples and made a coconut whipped cream for on top. YUM.  It T’WAS delicious. I also took part in every primal offering at thanksgiving, INCLUDING smashed white taters! No biggie, really. I was hungry. I made sure I would be hungry for feasting at thanksgiving because that’s what normal people do! Then when I was done I was full, but not obnoxiously I need to take a nap full, just stuffed. The onlookers (my family) seemed more amazed at my ability to talk, be normal and calm than myself. IT WAS JUST FOOD. But looking back on this year, I think it was the first time since I moved out of my house, gained weight, and have sat down to a family dinner with both parents and both brothers. The look on their faces when I scooped up the smashed taters (which I had smashed hah) was priceless. I was confident. I more than deserved the looks from my family as I have put them through endless shit the past years- its just one of those things you need to accept and take in stride. And I am guessing they were simply speechless and astounded by my recovery and ‘saneness’.

So yes, this year, for the first time in some 7 years past, I got a fluttery stick up my ass of comic relief from thanksgiving. The turkey(and leftover like 15lbs I have recently devoured) was amazing. I even went out with some people from work turkey deep frying and got a whole one to myself. I thought about the peanut oil it was fried in, but it surely did not stop me from eating this amazing beast of a bird- primal or not. My smashed taters were good I suppose-I think they are tasteless but whatever. The green beans had cooked all day in ham hock and were from my mama’s garden. The sauerkraut…well I love it and you can’t really mess it up ha-ha. Overall wonderful. I am thankful for my family being together for a meal, all of us, for the first time in like 5 years due to my brothers being overseas with deployment. It was great. One big happy healthy family. That’s like the only thing I pray for in life.




This shows a lot. About my progress, my well being, and the loss of the selfishness an eating disorder places on every sufferer. You have to accept recovery. You have to live your life WITHOUT your eating disorder. It cannot tag along with you just because you function in your day to day life. You are still suffering, still obsessing and still stuck if this is you. ACCEPT trashing what it is that is holding you back and begin, or keep pushing toward your path in recovery. The holidays are FUN, they’re exciting, unpredictable. They are much like everyday life SHOULD be. Full of love and laughter.


NOW, another side topic rantability by yours truly. I CANNOT GIVE YOU ADVICE ON HOW MUCH FOOD TO EAT, HOW MANY CALORIES TO CONSUME, WHAT KIND OF FOOD TO EAT or WHEN TO EAT IT. My recovery is NOT your recovery. You will never get macro consumption advice, exercise advising or ANYTHING LIKE IT. I have portrayed in my blog through my writing what has worked for me. It isn’t about food and it never will be. It is about separating yourself and your fake ED identity and accepting life without it. You find your own recovery by doing this. You cannot live vicariously through me. First of all that’s sick, and second you aren’t me and you never will be. I didn’t follow anyone when I began recovery. I picked one simple unarguable concept to eat real food. I did that. I became healthy. I sat ON MY ASS. When I started eating real food in copious amounts I WAS IN KNEE IMMOBILIZERS, unable to even take a shit or shower on my own. I did NOT MOVE for close to 3 months. Yes, giving up exercise is possible. I did it for years. It is part of recovery, the sitting on your ass and getting pissed you have to eat. Crying about being still. Frustrated you’re just sitting in the moment while your brain is moving a  million miles an hour. But until you experience this and accept this it will not go away. Your fear of giving up what you hold onto so strongly won’t just go away. You cannot recovery from anorexia just by eating more BUT STAYING EXACTLY THE SAME in every motion of your life.

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Don’t forget…Accept Monday, Nov 15 2010 

Anxieties, stress, fear. All parts of recovery. All real feeling of recovery. All ACCEPTED terms of recovery. There is no reason you can not heal yourself beginning with acceptance. It saves you time and suffering. Why do you go through all this trouble, all the questioning, all the obsessive reassurance? No one can tell you how your recovery will look or feel, you accept the feelings of recovery when you accept letting go, and getting well. The reason so many people question and never accept is because they fear of making that mental shift. That mental shift, that acceptance takes you to a new level, an unknown level and when you experience this acceptance, your empty…lost. Many continue in their suffering ‘searching’ for the answer to all their questions when really the answer is already with you. Accept yourself and recovery.

No one person’s recovery can be mocked or imitated. This is a very strong point. My recovery won’t, can’t be, and never will be your recovery. I am not you. You are not me. What comes with your recovery is the byproduct of how much effort you put into accepting yourself, and taking changes as they come. This means not controlling them.

You are unique because you were born with skills that shape you. This is why everyone is different. Every person experiences a different set of events in life. How they deal with them shapes them. Using your own uniqueness and experiences from your upbringing, childhood and adolescents will allow you to do certain things better than any other person alive. It is unique to YOU. This means you cannot hold onto useless thoughts and believe everything you read. Many actions that you think served you in the past need to be erased, released and the path needs to be laid, accepting what the future holds. Your eating disorder is like an old friend that is very hard to part from, but you need to let go. It is simply comfortable to stay with the old and avoid changes. This is not recovery. When you accept recovery, you will accept the goodbye of your eating disorder.

If you fail to do this, you fail yourself and you fail your potential. There is no progress in the mind of a ‘functioning anorexic or binge eater. ’ it just leads to suffering and no progress you don’t allow your mind to reach out and accept help. Whether the help comes from the REAL you or an outpatient program, until you let it happen, you will remain suffering. Although you tried many new things, they were not fully accepted. If they had been, you would not need to read a recovery blog and be searching for hope, and help.

Acceptance starts with absolutely 100% giving up to your eating disorder because you refuse to fight it anymore. It will hold no power or grounds in your life. You won’t keep making the same mistake twice, repeating the same habits day in and day out. You will reach a point and see that you cannot take your eating disorder any further in life; there is NO place for it. You’re lost and hopeless but the shift that needs to take place is RIGHT HERE in front of you. Accept you’re changing. Accept you will change as you progress through life, and accept what those changes may be. You can’t stay stuck in life the ever moving moment. Life keeps moving regardless of how long it takes you to live in an unreal reality. No one is pausing the earth’s movement because you won’t accept recovery. Life will keep moving, the years will keep passing and until you accept recovery your life will keep passing you by.

Accept. Let the walls falls. Let go of fake beliefs, thoughts and patterns. You need to realize that you have NOTHING TO LOSE. Not one thing. Let it all go.

Every single aspect of life and living literally begins with a thought. Something is created with every thought a person has. Filling a void of feelings with bad thoughts as so many eating disordered individuals are guilty of creates nothing but chaos. Each of your thoughts should create actions that will slowly lead you to seeing the light and understanding you will one day make it to the end of the tunnel.

Accepting needs to be part of every recovery. There is no singling out. You are a unique individual but your eating disorder is not so. You are not different in how you need to tackle recovery. What you keep in your mind and what you are holding back, you are creating. Acceptance creates a balanced and fulfilled life. Acceptance means shifting from where you are now, what you’re doing and understanding that it just doesn’t matter anymore. There is more to life than food and more than controlling a wickedly retarded eating disorder. Focus on what you want- recovery. Focus on doing what will get you where you want to be, and create a healthy mind.

A mind filled with hate creates a body that is hated. Weight gain, weight loss, a healthy body- it ALL is in your head and how you shape your thoughts. Even if you eat the purest healthiest diet known to mankind, take all the right supplements… you are accomplishing nothing if you do not possess a healthy mind.

An accepted mind encompasses a lot: nothing can or will distract you, everything you do is selfishly don’t for your own mental well-being(so get over it), focus is on what you are doing in the moment, how your creating health and happiness, loving what you are doing, finding pride in your accomplishments. Bring all your feelings into recovery.

If you don’t accept recovery you mind is lost. It is all over the place, jumping thoughts, preparing for something that never comes, setting up for the ‘perfect day’ to change, not focusing on feelings that are shoved away for another day. It is all up to you to change that. Lose focus and you will not be very successful.

People, in my experience with individuals with eating disorders, tend to be so self protective it is an obvious loss of reality. They are demeaning and degrading. They are selfish. Ask a sufferer to describe him/herself and you will hear they are stressed, failed and just unhappy/depressed. What you think you become, never forget that. If you think you have failed, you will. If you think you’ll never recover, you won’t.

Anxiety is the byproduct of stress, an affective response to it. stimulus=response. A normal body SHOULD produce a self flowing, self controlled, self harmonious environment. there are a few people in society today who still have this capability, but if you look around they are very few and far between. for example, you probably know ‘that person’ who seems to eat and just ‘be done’ when they are full. All the workings in his or her body are in harmony. There is no stress or care over food, over conversation, over spur of the moment ideas or plans. There is no wonder on the next meal or preplanning and future tripping, Then there is everyone else, eating disordered or not. certain stimuli arouse our stress system and we respond with anxiety. We can’t just focus on the here and now and we can’t just eat food. our bodies do not work in harmony, more specifically our brains. there is a gap between our brain function and our body function. When we stress, there’s an asorbic acid drop in our adrenals, our cortisol rises, our adrenal medulla increase adrenaline secretion which acts on the pituitary and you have a big mess of negative feedback- or something like that. Over or under production of these hormones will lead to problems. So the adrenal could be a central response area to stress, or it could not. I don’t know, most doctors don’t know, few endocrinologists coherently understand everything.

How adaptive is stress? This is a question that boggles my mind. When we stress, receive a feedback mechanism and ‘expect’ it, how conditioned is that response and anxiety? If you forever convince yourself that recovery means you’ll ultimately become obese and never be able to stop eating, are you making that your preconceived destiny? THAT IS NOT A HEALTHY MIND. That is a mind that has not accepted.  The mind is powerful, Buddha once said ‘what you think you become’. It’s a strong statement, and I do believe it plays a role.

Change your thoughts, change your behavior. Stimulus (thought) = response(behavior). Your physiological stress plays a huge role, in my opinion on your physical appearance. The mental is as important, and arguably much more important, than the physical. Anyone can gain weight, anyone can lose weight. Everyone understands how over and under eating occurs. Eat more= gain weight. Eat less=lose weight. there’s this and that people find work for them, but ultimately, food is up to you to decide about. How you eat, chose a way that makes you happy. I advocate paleo obviously because of its historical context, nutrition availability, and general common sense.

Here’s a quick for-tay on the brain, all beginning in the hypothalamus:

  • Hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is a small structure that plays a role in controlling our behavior, such as eating, sexual behavior and sleeping, and regulates body temperature, emotions, secretion of hormones, and movement.
  • The Pituitary Gland. The pituitary gland develops from an extension of the hypothalamus downwards. It is involved in controlling thyroid functions, the adrenal glands, growth, and sexual maturation.
  • Amygdala. This small almond-like structure lies deep in the brain and is associated with regulation and control of major emotional activities, including anxiety, depression, aggression, and affection.

Lets consider for a moment how much expected physiological stress you cause yourself. how often do you assume stress A will cause response B. Take exercise. most who are addicted relate exercise to stress relief because you assume one equates to the other. preconceived thought. how often do you assume raising your calories is going to lead to obesity. Take another example…say you eat en entire pizza and start bouncing off the walls with uncontrollable energy for the next 2 hours. Your brain released chemicals called opiods…pleasure chemicals. Now, say you ate an entire pizza and immediately start self hating, body bashing, and freaking the fuck out on how you will burn it all off, or purge it. this is an endocrine system malfunction. One of the reason I advocate paleo is because your brain and body function will become one when given real food. When you ‘snack’ in recovery on something like a cupcake you release insulin in an out-of-this world fake way. What I mean, you always release insulin when you eat, but it is exasperated to the level of malfunctioning when you body senses ‘fake’ food. Even when you smell good food, you release insulin. But if you don’t eat fake food and ‘keep it real’ you get a release and then it goes away. This means you CAN fight back your thoughts because they will be able to be beaten. If you do eat fake food however, you get another insulin surge and in my opinion this is where SO MANY PEOPLE go wrong in recovery.

Acceptance should be ingrained in your skull by now, and part of that includes the acceptance of a nourishing and healthy recovery. Just because you accept recovery does not mean you are home free. What if, with this acceptance, you assume you’re bound to end up fat. or what if you assume this recovery means you can eat more but need to exercise 7 days a week. Or what if, the all too common ‘I am different from everyone else’ is part of your acceptance. Well, now you’re worse off than before. you have more stress than you ever did just not eating. If a chill pill really existed that was healthy I would tell you about it, but until then, food is medicine and accepting that is stress-relieving, along with giving up exercise and learning what it takes for YOU to de-stress.

I am no rocket scientist, I had a hell of a bad week last week. Really, I was a nut job. I have no idea why. but I did nothing, my own fault, to relieve my stress, and it just built up. finally I grasped my senses and did a helllllll of a long sitting and breathing session in the sun with myself. I felt better and rediscovered the moment. I am not a normal person though. I am not going to feel good everyday, who does? that is just part of life. Take control of it, don’t let it control you.

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Trackbacks worth Reading Saturday, Nov 6 2010

If you have time, read EVERYTHING on this site….all worth reading.

This is very closely related to my previous post:

Unfortunately, a majority of nutritionists or dietitians received their specialty education with some seriously flawed concepts that are ultimately attributed to the ill-proposed Dietary Guidelines for Americans for the past three-plus decades. They have led Americans to a journey destined for obesity, diabetes mellitus, arteriosclerosis and atherosclerosis, coronary artery disease stroke, cancer, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s disease, just to name a few.

Another admitter to the deficiency of vegetarianism…

I have nothing against farming meat right! 

Richard’s latest rant, par the usual, hilarious!!!

Good food, well all her recipes are good. If I wasnt lazy I would make this

if anyone has access to this papers full text i would love to read it 🙂

another awesome read!!!

The Potential is Heart Breaking Tuesday, Nov 2 2010 

“The first clue to the answer here is that we don’t really put ourselves in such situations, because the circumstances that produce suspense are always in some sense imaginary or fictional. We can feel suspense about the outcome of a game, even if we are playing in it ourselves, but we don’t say that we feel suspense about whether the boss is going to fire us in the meeting later this morning (Our feelings in this case are more likely to be anxiety and uncertainty). So it must be something about experiencing uncertainty in an imaginary situation that is the basis for the pleasure of suspense.

There’s a simple solution to this problem: As any anxiety sufferer will tell you, it is completely possible to generate very real emotions just by thinking about certain situations, you don’t have to actually be in those situations. The limbic system, the part of the brain that produces the basic feeling of anxiety, reacts to thoughts that the more advanced parts of the brain can recognize as imaginary.

So this is at least part of the answer to our question. Suspense is real emotion that is provoked by a situation that we recognize as not real. Because we recognize that the situation is not real, we can allow ourselves to feel enough of the anxiety to feel stimulated, but then control that anxiety by reminding ourselves that the situation is imaginary.

But there is another part of the question—why should that be so much fun? I can’t say that I know the answer the answer to that one, but I have a guess: Conscious human beings can’t avoid at least occasionally confronting the fact that the future is uncertain and that in fact the current moment could be their last. We love stories and other situations that have happy endings because they provide a sense of relief. They give us hope that the uncertainty and anxiety we often feel may be simply temporary, and in the end everything will work out just fine.”

Rant…This is Why

I have always been interested in the Maudsley Approach to treating eating disorders. It has always made a ton of sense to me but at the same time not any sense at all. Laura Collins hosts a parents discussion forum called Around the Dinner Table where parents of eating disordered children come to find insight, support and ideas. To forward this rant I am about to begin, let me preface that I am more than knowledgable about how detrimental it is for a family to suffer the consequences of an eating disorder.

Parents have one desire when they have children and one rule that is never ever to be broken. They want to see their children pursue happiness regardless of what it entails, and never, under any circumstance, should a child die before his or her parents. Putting your own child to rest is probably one of the biggest nightmares a parent could ever go through. I have only seen my mama cry once in her half century of life(her birthday is today). ONE TIME. She didn’t cry when our adult family friends passed, she didn’t cry when her own dad passed away a couple years ago, not when my brothers went to war, not when all hell broke loose in Iraq at the prison my brother was stationed in where troops were performing mass interrogation, not when he called to tell her his tent had been blow up THE NIGHT he was scheduled to retreat it and have it be replaced by someone else (God work miracles in mysterious ways) . No, she cried the day we were in the therapist’s office after my ‘free trial’ with her was ending and the therapist informed my mama that her baby girl was useless to her as a therapist, that I could and would not ever recover, and needed to go to inpatient treatment because I could die of a heart attack at any moment. What came across my mom’s mind then? Terror. Fear. The previous 20 years of my life flashed before her, she was trying to pinpoint where she thinks ‘she went wrong’ and how she caused this. To her, it was a failure of parenting to have a child suffering the way I was. She has and will never ever, still to this day lose faith in me. She knows I am capable and strong enough to fight for myself and have always been that stubborn, tough minded, tough love kind of person.   

Now, understanding how hard eating disorders are on other people relates to my previous post where I challenged you to take yourself out of your eating disorder and see it for what really is ‘just’ malnutrition. That is it. The mentality and all encompassing shit it comes with are side effects of exercise, starvation and malnourishment.

When parents begin to tackle what seems the endless road of eating disorder recovery they have a few aspects/goals in mind: BMI, calories, emotional state of individual. This is TOTALLY ass backwards. Before a parent should and CAN EVEN attempt to rehabilitate a malnourished child he or she must understand nutrition themselves. The sorry and depressing truth to this is where individuals look for health advice. If you stare over the food pyramid of the United States, you’ll think your child needs grains, oats, truckloads of fruit and vegetables and to take it easy on the saturated fat. Again, ass backwards. I need to make this post available so that parents will hopefully understand and see the light that the nutritional advice given out in modern day society is causing 99% of all diseases, INCLUDING eating disorders that exist today.

It is crystal clear that the prevalence of eating disorders is significantly more common today than say, a century ago. Low and behold a century ago is when wheat, corn and soy became the genetically modified staples in today’s diet.  Couple that with fructose in everything, wheat, soy, all the byproducts of corn, packaged food and convenient lazy ass eating. Does it not cross anyone’s mind that something in our culture, way of living, and way of eating is the sole contribution of the high incidence of mental disorders we face as a society? Again, MODIFY THE FOOD AND YOU MODIFY THE INDIVIDUAL, his or her genes; yes their genetic expression and how their brain and body function.

Step one for a Maudsley parent should entail nutritional therapy for himself. A real food real life understanding of what malnutrition is, and what the hell real food is. The general primal eating concept is a good place to start, but even before that, read up on anthropology and endocrinology. Get a book on metabolism and endocrinology. Read about malnutrition and starvation as opposed to googling every study ever done on anorexia. You can’t cure something you’re blind to the answer for. Modern society, and glimpsing over the blog/forum at Around the Dinner table, parents are blind to what real nutrition even is. To them, it is quantity, calories and bodyweight. No no and NO. It is REHABILITATION OF MALNUTRITION. When you cure malnutrition, you essentially cure anorexia. It isn’t popping pills, doctors appointments, meal timing or analyzing every minute detail of every thought the sufferer has with therapists.

This starts with real food nutrition.

ONE: your child needs to eat mass loads of food that once had a heart beat or can be grown, picked or milked (from good sourcing). MEAT, ORGANS, EGGS, BONE BROTH, MARROW, NUTS, COCONUTS, FERMENTED/CULTURED DAIRY( ), BUTTER, TALLOW, POTATOES (non-gmo ), FAT SOAKED VEGETABLES AND FRUIT. Do some research on wheat, soy, corn and ALL their by-products and dangers, which are present in just about every food on the grocery store shelves(high fructose corn syrup(corn sugar), modified corn/food starch, etc.. Get in touch with a farmer; buy eggs, cream, butter, cheese, potatoes, a cow(and all it’s organs) and start your own garden. Provide your child with nourishing food.

*If you somehow research nutrition and still doubt its ability to cure eating disorders, then trial run yourself. Start eating real food for say 30 days, and reevaluate your mental well being, your ability to cope and handle stress, and your overall self. You will be amazed at how bad you felt before and how much better you feel after*

Be the change you wish to seek

Two: Food is medicine. I am sure most parents would agree and to an extent try to enforce this attitude. But it is not tackled the right way. Serving you child a plate of 5000 calories which serve NO nutrient density or in any respect serve to cure malnutrition is total bullshit. If you tried to force feed me a plate of pasta full of cheese you got off a grocery store shelf topped with 50-ingredient spaghetti sauce your damn right I would throw a fit. THERE’S NO NUTRITION IN THAT. ANOREXIA=MALNUTRITION. You need to realize that the human body does not assimilate nutrients from food that is modified, enhanced and simply not real. Hence why your son or daughter’s brains do not function properly. Hence why the individual has rituals, rules, emotional outbreaks and anxiety through the roof. These are ALL side effects of a brain that is not up to par in nutrition. This is the result of the standard American diet which caused genetic mutation of your child’s brain. It results in malnutrition. In essence, I, nor should you, give one flying fu*k whether or not your son or daughter ‘likes beef liver cooked in tallow with onions served over white rice or potatoes.’ I don’t like taking Tylenol when I have a headache. I don’t like getting a Paps-mere every year. I surely did not always enjoy eating liver when I was malnourished. Until your child is cured of malnourishment food does not need to flipping be this forcingly enjoyable aspect of life. It WILL become that once again, but no, not when the side effects of malnourishment are present.

Three: you and your child need to take a reality check and understand that anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, all are ONLY REAL to the sufferer. Displace yourself from the situation. Displace your child from their disorder. It doesn’t exist outside their head. Your keyboard is real, anorexia is not. Having a biological and genetic component yes, but your child was NOT born with their disorder. Understand and trust that the CORRECT nourishment will result in the diminishment of the problem.

         There exists, and has existed for a long time, a large body of evidence that demonstrates that the ontogeny (growth and development) of an organism is the consequence of a unique interaction between the genes it carries, the temporal sequence of external environments through which it passes during its life, and random events of molecular interactions within individual cells. It is these interactions that must be incorporated into any proper account of how an organism is formed-

–    So this is at least part of the answer to our question. Suspense is real emotion that is provoked by a situation that we recognize as not real. Because we recognize that the situation is not real, we can allow ourselves to feel enough of the anxiety to feel stimulated, but then control that anxiety by reminding ourselves that the situation is imaginary.

Four: malnourishment results in a body which is CRAVING sweet, undesirably preoccupied on food, especially carbohydrates. The anorexic fears the carbohydrate because of its mental by-product reaction it induces. THIS IS THE RESULT OF EATING FAKE FOOD. The reaction is real as the brain responds by spiking all chemical reactions, but your child is under chronic stress eating unnatural food. I read and reread on Laura’s forum about children who go uncontrollably buck wild craving sugary cereal by the box full. This is NOT healthy. Carbohydrates eaten from unnatural sources FEED this brain addiction. Your starving child will go through a phase while refeeding on REAL food of craving any and everything sweet. The brain is adjusting and repairing itself. Provide your child with nourishing sources of carbohydrates in the form of potatoes, roots vegetables and tubers. Do not start giving him or her cereal, ice cream and other sweet ‘treats’ that feed the disordered mind. This does no good and the majority of the time results in insulin malfunctions, hormonal disregulation not to mention nutritional deficencies and the horrible punishment-guilt-trip so common during refeeding.

I read this, posted on October 22nd by a parent as to what was being served for dinner:

“OK so for tonight’s torture…I mean dinner…God help me, we will have spaghetti with cheese and Marinara sauce, spicy soy sausages (one time older D’s fav) garlic bread and milk.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Here it goes:

First, get a basic understanding of nutrition at Whole Health Source

          Pasta- really… do I need to detail how void this is of any and all nutrition on top of leeching nutrition from your body. Read here for the dangers of wheat: , , ,

          Marinara Sauce– first of all, stuff is fat free, what are you thinking?! Second, if it is from a jar or can I guarantee it is full of crap.

          Spicy Soy Sausages– Soy is probably to most malnourishing food I can think of, next to wheat and vegetable oil. Not to mention the inability of a vegetarian to be provided with adequate nutrition on NATURAL REAL food without some sorta modified junk crap like a soy sausage. Just a short depiction of the horror for you, as well as the Myths of Vegetarianism (

  •           High levels of phytic acid in soy reduce assimilation of calcium, magnesium, copper, iron and zinc. Phytic acid in soy is not neutralized by ordinary preparation methods such as soaking, sprouting and long, slow cooking. High phytate diets have caused growth problems in children.
  • Trypsin inhibitors in soy interfere with protein digestion and may cause pancreatic disorders. In test animals soy containing trypsin inhibitors caused stunted growth.
  • Soy phytoestrogens disrupt endocrine function and have the potential to cause infertility and to promote breast cancer in adult women.
  • Soy phytoestrogens are potent antithyroid agents that cause hypothyroidism and may cause thyroid cancer. In infants, consumption of soy formula has been linked to autoimmune thyroid disease.
  • Vitamin B12 analogs in soy are not absorbed and actually increase the body’s requirement for B12.
  • Soy foods increase the body’s requirement for vitamin D.
  • Fragile proteins are denatured during high temperature processing to make soy protein isolate and textured vegetable protein.
  • Processing of soy protein results in the formation of toxic lysinoalanine and highly carcinogenic nitrosamines.
  • Free glutamic acid or MSG, a potent neurotoxin, is formed during soy food processing and additional amounts are added to many soy foods.
  • Soy foods contain high levels of aluminum which is toxic to the nervous system and the kidneys.

          Garlic Bread- again, the wheat thing, and it is probably made worse by the use of a rancid fat like margarine. EAT BUTTER, on real food.

          Milk- pending its pasteurization go for it, but go for cultured/non-hormone or coconut milk, almond milk etc.

I do, after all this ranting, agree with the building block of Maudsley, that being:

-In traditional ED treatment there is a major flaw in understanding and until that changes treatment will not change. This flaw is that an ED sufferer won’t eat as needed, the truth is they can’t without major assistance until a certain amount of healing has occurred. Who better to assist in this than “family” who loves them?

This is usually the case. The by products of malnutrition are terrifying, but the focus needs to be placed on REAL food nutrition.

But then you read this, in regards to daily nutrition:

We have had the following general rule

3 fats
3 proteins
8 grains
5 milks
3 vegetables
5 fruits

Excuse my ignorance but WHEN did grain become a part of the human diet….right, there’s no historical stand for that because they don’t belong in the human diet. You’re underemphasizing good fats which are CRITICAL and overemphasizing the fruits and vegetables.

What bugs me the most is that these parents are blindly trying with all their energy, all their love, to cure the devastation an eating disorder brings to a family but sourcing all their nutritional information from the wrong place. This is heart breaking to see and have knowledge of. It’s not a different way of looking at an eating disorder, it is a down-home, down right CORRECT way to look at eating disorders. If their method coupled with real food to restore a stable nutrient deposit in a sufferer it will be epic!

Recovery is not about talking to death the problem as it is pretty blatantly obvious. Recovery is accepting the problem, feeling it, and moving on. It is accepting that only real food is going to cure malnutrition. It is accepting some food sucks but is offering you more nutrient density than you can ever ask for (beef liver). It is accepting what recovery comes with(weight gain, mood swings, etc) but accepting the departure of ‘that part of you’ and accepting what it brings (as opposed to spending the rest of your life trying to ‘find yourself’).

The basic building block of eating disorder recovery is acceptance and nourishment with food intended for human bodies.

Where to Start: Sound sources for reliable nutrition

Primal Wisdom:

Whole Health Source:

Evolutionary Psychiatry:

Traditional Food: 

You are the By-Product of Your Brain Friday, Oct 29 2010 

Your brain on anorexia. Pretend it is like a drug, one that helps you control every aspect of your life. It’s the icing on the cake but it doesn’t happen overnight, it doesn’t happen at birth, it develops overtime. Researchers have shown and tried to prove that a genetic variation to chromosome 1 in the human brain is linked to anorexia. There is no proof though, the same malfunction in chromosome 1 links to depression, mood disorders and even obesity. So what any one researcher may attempt to prove is anything but that. There is no proof that anorexia is caused by some genetic problem, or that it is biological. Do I believe that certain people are susceptible to anorexia? Of course. But like all aspects of life I try and cover in my blog, ‘it’s all in your head’ and that’s where your brain on anorexia comes in…

 The human brain amazes me. I have talked about it before, but really it is amazing to know what happens in there and at the same time have no flippin idea what it is all about or let alone what it means. A brain high on anorexia is a brain marked for measurable achievement and control. The problem is the individual uses it to their disadvantage in life and ultimately the control walls come crumbling down. Using the characteristics of your brain on anorexia is an excuse. Humans are full of excuses.

 Your brain, everyone’s brain is wired to be successful and strive for achievement. The problem, especially in modern day society is that people are achieving what they don’t want. People work their asses off to get to the top in the business world, achieve perfect grades through college, please mom and dad with high school sports or band practice….the list is endless. It is measurable to achieve such goals, but it isn’t what the human brain wants. You are getting your own way for other people and influential sources. Make sense? These high achievers, those who strive for the best of the best, the next big hit essentially spend life wasting feelings.

 The brain gives you signals…feelings. NEVER waste a feeling. Wasting a feeling is wasting a life. Are you happy you got a 4.0? Experience it. Are you pissed you ran into the corner of your bed and flipped the F-bomb? Feel it. Did you try and new recipe and it tasted awful yet you still ate? Feel it. End a relationship and feeling worthless? FEEL IT.

But don’t just feel it, use it to your advantage. Be productive with your feelings. If you feel like shit, use it to motivate yourself by focusing on all the positives you wish to achieve in life, in your recovery, and within yourself.

I recently broke up with a boyfriend. Long story short, I refuse to be an obligation in someone’s life but rather expect to be a priority when I date someone. You shouldn’t have to feel obligated to call me or forced to do X Y or Z. well, I felt like an obligation and nothing was going to make it change. I was sad, I moped, I got angry. I felt it all. But every negative situation has a hidden positive. It’s called the law of polarity. If there is bad there is good. I am a happier individual at this very moment because I experienced the negativity of breaking up with someone who was not fulfilling what I expected. It’s not selfish and yes, I did like him. The loneliness sucks, but I will admit I am much more energetic not worrying about whether ill hear from him let alone see him and whether he was just in it for a piece of a$$. People at work have asked why I am so bouncy and happy this week. I didn’t personally notice, but I realize how much of a burden dating him was causing me now that I experienced it.

You always need to experience the negative, but need to allow the positive in. there is no one species more powerfully minded than the human being. There is no one category of human more powerfully minded than the mind on anorexia. Think about it. Evolution serves to prove us that starving is impossible because of the genetic make up of our species causing this uncontrollable binge eating desire in the face of malnutrition. It is an adaptation of evolution. We need to stay alive.

Recovery is about experiencing the negativity of anorexia. You have to experience this. When you accept recovery, you accept the never ending shit list anorexia provides you with. In recovery, you accept the positive that comes with reestablishing nourishment. You need to use your brain to your advantage so you can turn a negative situation into a positive one so you needs are fulfilled.

It is a conscious choice made by the sufferer. Whether it is bulimia, binge eating, depression, or anorexia the point is there is a choice to be made. The choice can only be made by you. Either give into your current conditions or accept recovery where you live by the conditions you set out for yourself. YOU should be making the conditions.

Acceptance comes with stress which is a big part of understanding the brain. If you accept your conditions, or what recovery means to you and plan to willingfully do what you need to do the stress is eased. If you attack recovery in a pissed off hating the world and not realizing how selfish you are and how unreal your problems are then you are causing so much unneeded stress.

The actions of stress and pleasure in my opinion are the rock solid paving blocks to health and nutrition. Glucocorticoids can be called our stress messengers for understanding purposes. They are closely tied to cortisol and dopamine regulation. Researchers will tell you that we all need to be on SSRI’s for depression so we can be mellow and uncharacteristically melancholy 24 hours a day. Like most things, I call bullshit on this. Stress is good at the right times and for the right reasons. Many things that increase glucocorticoid levels but don’t seem to cause any negative outcomes.

Stress leads to a sub par functioning brain. There is good stress (a cold shower, sex, or a quick sprint) and there is bad stress (aspects consumed by repetitive thoughts, visual stimulus of food, and a negative outlook). So not everything is so damned devastating. The bad stress is chronic in many, MANY people these days and is essentially where the grounds are laid for the problems so many also suffer, be it diabetes, osteoporosis or eating disorders.

There is proof that psychosocial factors such as stress are the single most important variable in determining the length of a life. Chronic stress, like your obsessive thoughts and MUST DO rituals hollow your bones and deplete your muscles. It isn’t the starving and food restriction that cause as many problems as it is the by products you enable yourself to be made possible. Your bones leech calcium out of them because of what happened in your brain.

Stress also triggers diabetes. Your brain is over consumed in thought and unnecessary desire. The signal of stress is relayed to EVERY organ in your body. Everything that happens in your body starts in YOUR HEAD, your thoughts, and your perception of yourself and life.

Short bouts of intense exercise release these glucocorticoids but exercise is good for not only your mind but your body. Physical exercise DONE CORRECTLY is strongly associated with all sorts of positive health effects.

Then there is sex- whether you do it doggy style or monkey wild, it turns out that sex triggers a large stress response, leading to, again, these glucocorticoids releasing. I found this abstract on sex:

We found that acute sexual experience increased circulating corticosterone levels and the number of new neurons in the hippocampus. Chronic sexual experience no longer produced an increase in corticosterone levels but continued to promote adult neurogenesis and stimulate the growth of dendritic spines and dendritic architecture. Chronic sexual experience also reduced anxiety-like behavior. These findings suggest that a rewarding experience not only buffers against the deleterious actions of early elevated glucocorticoids but actually promotes neuronal growth and reduces anxiety.

The previous 2 stressors are good for your brain. While stressful in a short bout in your brain, sex ultimately is healthy. Obviously I am not advocating tiger woods like sex addiction here because too much of a good thing is a bad thing and the effect will wear off. But, in good amounts both exercise and sex correlate with health to your body. Chronic stress as one experiences with eating disorders bring about a large drop in neurogenesis. This is where I am left with the chicken and the egg. Did losing good cells in your brain lead to chronic stress and anorexia or did anorexia lead to chronic stress?

I go with the first. A lack of good stress and the overproduction of bad stress ultimately lead to anorexia. The anorexic brain is the dark side of this chronic stress. The by product of your constant stress is starvation. You fixate on not only your own flaws but flaws everywhere, mistakes in everything you do and an obsessive preoccupation in your own problems. The harder than normal aspect with the anorexic mind is the fact that you get stuck in this life-living-repetitive loop of negativity. Its not that you experience negativity periodically or in bouts, it’s that it is fucking there ALL THE TIME. Ever read a recovery blog and see someone wishing it would just GO AWAY…that’s what I mean.

Without overly geeking out on you DHEA blunts somewhat the effects of cortisol, a stress hormone. Supplying yourself with an unnatural endogenous hormone, in my opinion, is not solving anything when you are the only one who can tackle and mentally manage your problems, whether they are real or not. Depression has a severely close tie to chronic stress. Anorexia has a severely close tie to depression and high stress. DHEA is also influenced in the obnoxious mood swings of anorexics with the high bouts of happiness followed by volatile downward spirals of sadness.

Point of my geek out: Our feelings, our mind, our brain can and do change the way we think. While sadness may be occasionally helpful and make us more focus oriented, happiness has the opposite effect to some degree. Finding balance of the good and the bad is good for your mental health. FEEL your feelings. Allow for their experience.

Most people will prove through different neuron firing and PubMed studies that dopamine is the pleasure seeking core of the human brain. I am going to take a wild guess again, that like most things, this is very lacking and inaccurate. When I use my desire to learn about nutrition and the brain, I look anywhere but to studies on anorexia. They are all misleading and incomplete.

For one, studies show that if you force someone to eat something they despise, their dopamine pathway is excited. Does that make sense in terms of dopamine being a pleasure seeking part of the brain? Not so much. I hate personally eating food I do not like. But this ‘reward’ path is ignited. If you are drowning under water, struggling for your next breath of life your dopamine pathway is also ignited. Pleasurable? Not so much even though the result is your brain releasing gobbly amounts of the neurotransmitter.

What I DO think dopamine serves to do? Regulate attention and desire. Dopamine is part of a small central area in your brain that makes up your reward pathway. This pathway is responsible for happy emotions AKA pleasure. It doesn’t matter you’re binging on sugar or smoking a fat joint, this byproduct fills you with the happy-tickle sensation. THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE, this aspect of the byproduct of your actions is AT THE CORE in my opinion of MANY MANY problems in America. Everyone is looking for their next big hit. The worlds largest burger is beat and someone actually eats the fucking 8lb thing, average Joe decides a 5lb bag of peanut M&M’s will solve his chronic stress at work, and the anorexic is soothed and in control with starvation. THIS ACTION IN YOUR BRAIN is the essence of good vs. bad health. Whatever it is you do to focus your attention is allowing you to push away something that is real. You have trouble making sense and accessing or assessing the world you live in.

There has got to be a limitation to how much sensitivity your brain can deal with before you become a quack job. Over igniting your dopamine pathway will lead you down a path of insensitivity. So, while one M&M was overly sweet and satisfying the first time, now you need the whole damn bag dipped in cream cheese icing to get your hit from it. Maybe this is why marijuana use is highly linked to these same pathways? During recovery, I woefully advocate removing ALL triggers from your environment that you possibly can. For example, do not eat the same thing everyday, do not eat at the same times everyday, do not even shower or wake up at the same times. I do understand some people when they accept recovery accept all foods are safe in certain quantities. HOWEVER, until you are no long malnourished I really, REALLY think this is a bad idea. Almost as bad as sticking to ‘safe food.’

The point, processed, refined, and sugary foods are the reason so many peoples dopamine paths are fucked up. Get rid of the shit. Modified food modifies how your brain works. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO SEE THIS. Anything in a bag, a box or that you can’t fucking kill, pick or grow is modifying your brain. SUGAR IS more addictive than cocaine.

I don’t think that people experience pleasure in pain like drowning, but I do think their attention is on HIGH alert in such situations. So does the malnourished anorexic have high shots of the dopamine neurotransmitter pumping? I venture a guess at yes. Your attention is ALWAYS focused on SOMETHING that can be traced back to your anorexia, your rituals and your control bubble. This, in essence is chronic stress.

Why I advocate accepting recovery is BECAUSE of the reduction in stress it will bring about. Instead of self analyzing every aspect of every fucking move you make in life, accept. You need, must have a desire, to accept what you think is real IS NOT. It is called self distancing. Detach yourself from your disorder and past experiences, and look at them from the outside. By living these thoughts and restrictions or desires outside you see the confusion, the fantasy and experience the visceral feelings. Take this negative experience and USE IT to make sense of your recovery and your acceptance. Put the emotional distress where it belongs.

I know, before you attempt the self distancing, you’re overly consumed with curiosity. Is this chick on to something or is she full of bullshit? Is she spouting the truth of is she so full of shit her eyes are brown. This curiosity LEADS to uncertainty, and this uncertainty should carry the knowledge to use curiosity to your advantage. It’s the stimulus you need to be proactive in recovery and not become a chronically stressed bystander. If I can prime your hunger for recovery then my job is done. It will lead you to acceptance.

If you haven’t yet accepted recovery, the fact that anorexia is all in your head and your problems are the byproduct of a severe level of malnutrition, the try the activity I mentioned earlier and take yourself out of yourself. See your disorder for what it really is. Hell, see all your feelings and problems in life for what they really are. Make your feelings relevant to the actions you take in life. Make recovery relevant to what you accept it will bring.

Next post….I will delve into the need for social interaction in recovery. Sneak peek: loneliness is deadly.






30 Push Ups! Tuesday, Oct 26 2010 

Yup, I can do 30 REAL push ups on my own as of today. BOUYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I get to go shopping for clothes that FRIKIN FIT this weekend for my birthday 🙂

I dyed my hair to it’s al-natural dark 🙂

I am obsessed with this shirt I tried on and CANNOT WAIT to buy it 🙂

Isnt this odd???

reason i dont usually attempt a flexing i look hidious!

but i did smile for ya at work this morning 🙂

OH AND PS IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE VEGAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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