That Amazing Body Saturday, Jan 8 2011 

So over the past month or so(I haven’t written a mind blowing post lately) I have delved my weirdo brain into anthropology, cognition, basically the human mind and how it relates to evolution as well as how it relates to modern day. My views on the whole paleo movement have changed. Not that I no longer still agree with it, but I see it with a new set of eyes. I always have my defenses up and I always question everything. Even after reading study after study about how saturated fat has NO relation to ill health or disease, it doesn’t still leave me thinking it is anything more than a benign substance for the human body and its intake gauging a ketogenic adaption or a glucose adaption by the body with hormonal regulation. Which works best is for no one to decide but you.

Like most things, I have no answers but plan to share some mind blowing realizations I have made over the past few months. First, well actually like for the millionth time, the human body is an EVER evolving strange and adaptable….thing. Does it not blow your
mind someone can survive with one kidney, with NO gall bladder, a missing amygdala … this drives my mind bonkers. It is absolutely astonishing. The human body and mind have evolved as a consequence of our cognitive niche, our cultural influence, our genetic expression and our ability to reason and draw conclusions through information sharing. Don’t forget that when talking ‘paleo’ ‘GROK’ did not have language, he couldn’t write let alone portray a message to someone else. Think of how we have evolved. The inclusion and overconsumption of meat by the paleo man allowed for our brains, specifically our prefrontal cortex to grow to maturing levels and enabling what we have gotten ourselves into. Mass farm production, a culture that has a birth to death age of around 78 but ONLY with the addition of the massive medicine and pharmaceutical industry help. Grok lived until his 30’s; he birthed, grew, fucked and died. That was the life of grok. Its no wonder the human gene is evolved to hit fertility and slowly dwindle down and away in health. It is the by product of evolution.

sidenote….did Grok find farts funny??? haha

However, so much has changed this day in age that some people opt not to have children because they do not want to bring them into a world of stress and chaos. With life comes so much pleasure and so much pain, each to be experienced. Humans are uniquely destructive, think about it. We often do more harm than good to ourselves, our lives and others because we hold on too long. Many of us grasp anything, a concept, a belief and hold onto it so strongly that the rest of life passes us by and we are still stuck not passing go and not collecting our $200. We were smart enough once in history to develop complex tools and large smart brains, but lordy what happened after that. Our world is uncooperative and massive controversy causes mayhem.
What gets me, is how we managed to develop the abilities we have. How the HELL did we develop an ability to make words that make sense, to convey emotions, feelings, thoughts and opinions. Not to mention needs and desires. That’s amazing. Language, social communication and genuine intelligence, how we got a hold of it is a mystery to me but the only conclusion I draw is that somewhere in evolution Darwinism got a hold of a select set of humans and their genes to create an environment where such advances were possible. It seems the pattern is our minds adapt to our environment. Well let’s delve into our modern environment. COMPLETE CHAOS. The United States lives in a world of WEIRDNESS, not to mention forced assimilation, one sided opinions, conformity, fairness, and cooperation…total chaotic stress. Our whole country is so atypical to whatever you consider natural to be its ludicrous.

Placing yourself in a capable and creative atmosphere almost guarantees your success. And that is damn near impossible. Eric Weiner wrote a book depicting this scenario and his conclusion :

The results seemed to identify two different aspects of happiness: an overall feeling that your life is satisfactory and the experience of positive emotions. Life satisfaction does correlate fairly well with income, but evidently the link between enjoying life (or not) on a day-to-day basis is much less well correlated with income. … the study seems to have identified two different types of resources: the possession of economic resources affects life satisfaction, and the possession of psychological/social capital affects day-to-day reports of positive or negative feelings. The study shows that these two flavors of happiness are separate

My thoughts, our world is full of fear. There was a lady born without an amygdala I remember reading about. SHE HAD NO FEAR…meaning the lack of her head containing an amygdala meant she did not possess the ability to sense fear, and nothing threatened her. How weird and inconceivable an idea that is. Courage, I would wager is the opposite of fear but without the ability to understand fears how do you have courage? Again, amazing.
Further, I read a study about psycho-analyst people who can tell by looking at your eyeball, something dealing with how you see and how your retina look, and from that gauge your level of depression. So chicken and the egg…are you depressed which leads to the change in your sight, or does the change in your sight lead to depression. Does withdrawing from society due to depression have something to do with how your retina react?
“Some recent research has found that in the retinas of depressed people, the response to black/white contrasts was notably lower than in healthy people. This backs up an earlier study which found that depressed people had a harder time detecting differences between black and white”
That, is crazy. So a depressed person not only thinks in gray and low self worth, they also literally SEE that way. That damned amazing brain.
On a similar thought, when a group of people is listening to a speaker, is the speaker controlling our brains or are we controlling our brains as we perceive the speaker and his/her message? What I mean, when you read my writing are we thinking in the same brain length or are you in total control right now? Language limits how I can portray a message to you. I can tell you time and again that the key to recovery from anorexia is acceptance. It is always step one, always the first step to the final decision. But what I am trying to portray and what you THINK I am trying to tell you could be two totally different things. Again, the human language limits what I can make you try and understand. I wonder what is happening in my own brain as I write this, and how your brain perceives it. Many of us subscribe to subconscious beliefs whether we realize it or not. I could tell you 2934865234 times that the ONLY WAY to speed up your metabolism is to eat more food. But unless you truly believe, commit and accept that you’re controlling your own destiny nothing will come of it. If you don’t believe that more food equates to a faster and more productive body, then you won’t benefit from its results. Stress and your own mind will ALWAYS WIN. The only way for you to get well is to eat more. Plain and simple. The only way to speed up your metabolism, get over yourself, your doubts and your fears is to just fucking eat, a lot, and accept it. It’s not ‘what to eat’ when to eat or how to eat. IT IS JUST FUCKING EAT FOOD. Then decide, how do you feel, what makes you feel good INSIDE, what digests well, what gives you strength, mental clarity and happiness?? THAT, is YOUR paleo. If you are truly listening to your body and eating what it wants when it wants, then that is your evolutionary milestone, what your body and genes have evolved to want and desire for the best achievable health FOR YOU.
I read the following on an anthropology website I frequent. If I learned ANYTHING in 2010, it is DO NOT read food blogs, health blogs, or paleo blogs based on weight and food. Anyways, what I found:
1. Hunter gatherers do not, as a rule, enjoy robust health. They must endure the vagaries of the natural world without recourse to the food stores we slovenly civilized folk take for granted. Rather than eating a varied diet, indigenous people have to make do with whatever handful of foodstuffs happens to be available, if any. The uncomfortable reality of hunter gatherers is that they frequently starve to death. The average life expectancy of a Paleolithic hunter was less than 30 years.
2. Our ancestors did not evolve for any particular environment, for any particular diet. Premodern humans lived in a huge variety of settings, from the arctic tundra to tropical jungle, from remote Pacific islands to high-altitude deserts. There is no such thing as a “hunter-gatherer diet.” Think you need to eat a lot of nuts and wild grasses? Tell it to an Inuit.
3. We didn’t evolve during the Pleistocene. By which I mean, we didn’t evolve just during the Pleistocene. Our 23,000 genes are the legacy of 3.7 billion years of evolution; the Pleistocene era accounts for less than 0.1 percent of that. Much of our metabolism dates back to the days when were amoebas. (We are insanely hardy buggers!) And what’s more, we continue to evolve. A gene that allows us Europeans to digest milk sprang up about 7,500 years ago in the wake of the domestication of cattle. I’m of European descent; why shouldn’t I consumer dairy? I evolved for it!
4. Nobody’s a perfect fit. Yes, we live in a different world from our ancestors. But so does every organism. Nature is a dynamic and unpredictable place, and every organism has to constantly adjust. Our environment is different because we have changed it, but we are not unique in that regard. A general evolutionary principle is that behavior precedes adaptation. An organism begins to exploit a new resource, and then changes to exploit that resource better. Thus, a duck is only going to start growing webbing between its does after it starts mucking around in the water. Perfection is a moving target.
5. For a bunch of misfits, we’re doing pretty well. Yes, we’re a nation of tubbies. But our life expectancy is high and continues to climb. A person born today can expect to live to 78 – two and a half times longer than a cave man. So where’s the dysfunction, exactly?
Cavemen have enough problems. Angry mammoths, giant cave bears, angry spirits – the last thing they need is a bunch of whiny descendents giving them posthumous grief. So let’s declare a moratorium. No more ragging on Pleistocene hunter-gatherers.

This can be countered by:

1. Two fallacies in the first paragraph. First there is no evidence that they often starved to death. No more so than you see wild animals in their natural undisturbed environment starving to death. Population stabilizes at the level for the available food. It wasn’t until farming where we could grow more food than we needed that population increased and we become dependent on a bountiful harvest. Second there is no evidence whatsoever that they only lived until 30. The math doesn’t even add up. It took until age 15-16 to become sexually mature. Then nine months to make a baby. If you were dead before age 30 you would be dead before your first child was raised. To sustain population you would need to be able to bring several kids to sexual maturity in order to compensate for the ones that died in accidents or were eaten by wild animals. What evidence does exist shows that when they died they had bones comparable to today’s 40 year olds. What this means is that by eating the paleo diet their bones didn’t degenerate like ours do now.
2. What we know is there were certain foods not eaten at all. And a universe of foods that people ate from depending on what was available where they were located. Optimal foraging theory says that we would have eaten what is most easily obtainable at that locale. This is why the paleo diet simply has “in” foods and “out” foods. We don’t know how much of each “in” foods were eaten.
3. That’s right. Until we developed tools 2.5 million years ago (allowing us to kill and eat animals) we ate insects. The high protein and nutrition that they provide would have been needed for us to have developed into such brainy creatures. The ability that Europeans evolved for digesting dairy is simply that the lactase enzyme now sticks around past infancy. So we can digest milk sugar. This doesn’t mean that dairy proteins are good for us. Each species has milk that evolved for that species. Cows are herbivores. We are omnivores.
4. Yes, but it takes far longer than 10,000 years to make small evolutionary changes. And you need to give natural selection free reign. These days we are able to treat all sorts of problems caused by our Neolithic diet which allows people incapable of handling these new foods to continue to procreate.
5. Our life expectancy is high as we spend billions on medical costs to treat problems that wouldn’t exist if we were eating the paleo diet. We could live even longer. And age without all these ailments.
6. Yes, they had a hard life. Only the lucky ones lived to a ripe old age.

So, it gives you a lot to think on…my conclusion? As always, JUST EAT THE FUCKING FOOD. Be healthy minded enough to realize you need vitamins/minerals FROM FOOD everyday, and the rest is up to you, what it is you find when you accept recovery, and learning what makes you feel best. I’m not telling you to go binge on coconut oil, or sweet potatoes, but to eat overly well of real food, eat a lot of meat and fat and let the rest fill in. You’ll learn what you like and what works. The more you think the more you fuck with your brain the more obnoxious you make eating be and the higher likelihood you have of either becoming resistant to insulin, fucking up your body responses, screwing with your weight, becoming a closet binge eater etc etc. It is all in your head and the longer you spend looking for the answer(which doesn’t exist) the harder it will be to accept and holding on longer means you lose sight of what you want and what you need.

New Video Tuesday, Jan 4 2011
Original Video – More videos at TinyPic

you cannot much understand me at the end, but i was VERY pissed today lol. I got blown off by a not-even-very cute guy last night. But, it’s sunny and warm today, a new day and I am happy 🙂

ps- I hate this dress it fits so weird

PSS- when i get a break from work and taxes and shit I have a ginormous post to put up on random thoughts and my approach to food/’diet’

Accept and Find Motivation Tuesday, Dec 28 2010 

I dont give a flying fuck how sick or distorted of views you have about yourself or food or your body, until you find what the hell it is that motivates you to keep going, to find strength, and to accept recovery…. FLIPPIN DO IT

I need to be motivated. Motivated like I can’t even explain. See, I have this problem. I hate winter. On top of that, I don’t particularly enjoy food, making it or anything about food in general. I understand 100% the term ‘it’s just food’ but it comes with a I COULD CARE LESS about it attitude. This is good for some people, like dieters, but for a recovered anorexic, hating food is not going to get me anywhere. I HATE THIS. I have no desire or urge to eat. I don’t think about food(this part is new) but its drowning me out because I am tired, I have no motivation to DO anything, and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep sleep sleep. I am eating the same as I ever have and I lost weight, like 5lbs in a fucking week. How is that possible? I got so lividly mad because I just hate food. Now I hate it more- its supposed to do its fucking job so I can get on with it already. WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T IT WEIGHT ON ME? Fucking, food is supposed to give me energy, a sane mind, right did I mention ENERGY….motivation. I am lost, I have none.

Part of my accepting recovery, a BIG PART is trying to force myself to enjoy food or find something besides hate in it. I enjoy food enough now to say I eat more than my fair share of food when it is around. I enjoy chewing, swallowing, biting, feeling nutrients assimilate…but when it comes down to it I don’t give one flying fuck if you throw a can of sardines at me every single day, I will just eat it to get on with life. I realize I need food, I have to eat it. I accept that. But I still hate food- I don’t even want to have to choose it or look at it. Maybe I would like it more if I felt like it was benefiting me, but more food I get sleepier, I get more exhausted. Maybe it is a part of recovery? Maybe stuff is sorting itself out, maybe my body is turning on functions that were once shut off, and maybe my drive and enthusiasm is FINALLY starting to NOT come from feeding off starvation… very possible. Damnit, something else to accept and get on with life with. {INSERT SCREAM HERE}. Maybe, I just need to sit on my ass like I am (I am doing no movement whatsoever the past week or so), and continue being exhausted until my body works itself out.

I don’t think its more food I need, as I eat plenty, but I hate it. I tried massive starchy carbohydrates for ‘energy’ but nothing. I tried realllly nutrient dense food thinking something is off…but nothing. I tried fat bombing myself but…nada. I think I am just tired. I think I am like a bear; I need to hibernate in the winter and come out to the world again in the spring.  The good charlotte song says “motivate me, I want to get the fuck out of this place.” Money quote, I just want this feeling to pass the hell on and outta my life. I cant wait to go to sleep today, like I think if I fell over onto the floor of my office however I land, in 22 seconds (random?) I would be sound asleep.

I resort to retarded outthought food choices when I get exhausted. I just open cans and eat food. I really don’t much care what it is. Hell, ill prolly get mercury poisoning from the amount of canned seafood I have gone through the last week. I jumped in an ICE COLD shower this morning to wake myself up. My scream prolly woke up my roommate who has OFF work ALL WEEK, which just further pissed me off because he lays on the couch 24 hours a day…something I hate doing but potentially can see myself possibly enjoying right now.

Anyways, just showing some blood here and allowing you to see what a struggle feels like to me. I accept it. it sucks. But guess what, life goes on. If you keep doing the same routine over and over don’t ever expect different results. Accept life and recovery and yourself are all ever changing. Get the fuck on with life. I am young. Ill survive just fine. I have a crapload going for me, hell I look like a million buck compared to 10 months ago- that’s saying something. Just accept…just keep living. One thing that has helped is NOT having a routine, at all. Let my life come as it may and just accept it. force yourself in life, and you have to force yourself to eat well.

I think I stayed up to late last night celebrating the SAINTS VICTORY BOUYYYAAAA WHO DAT WHO DAT WHO DAT…and I am paying for it today.

Oh, and don’t worry, I gained the 5 lbs back…even if it is from sodium overload from my lazy canned food adventures…and cheese….holy lbs of cheese I have gone through lately hahha.

My Video ha! Thursday, Dec 23 2010 

Original Video– More videos at TinyPic

soooo hhahah i show you my muscle, the hole in my shirt and my sexy woman walk hhahahahha

Your Questions, ANSWERED! Wednesday, Dec 22 2010 

Whitney: Did your hair ever fall out when you became malnourished? If it did fall out then has it regrown?

This is prolly the shittiest, down right upsetting and depressing part of malnutrition, starvation, anorexia etc. I use to have a flipping horse tail of thick ass hair. I had MASSIVE amounts of hair that took forever to blow dry. It was so flipping thick you could barely wrap your fingers around it and it was a workout to braid it. Then it started thinning, then it started breaking off. I lost a shitload of hair in college and even more when I moved here. One thing I do remember, when I initially started eating a shitload of food, it fell out even more, like handfuls. I got so scared because I was eating more than I ever had, and losing more hair at the same time! Anyways, it did stop. But I think you should realize its going to get worse before it gets better. Expect things to go wrong, go bad, and when you freak out about your body, calm down accept it and expect it. your hair is like some 6 months ahead of your health, and will reflect that.

In the beginning of your recovery did you wait to exercise?

I moved to Mississippi in the beginning of 2006, as a retired cheerleader who couldn’t take care of herself. At this point, my desire for a 6pack in my way-to-revealing uniform had become an obsession. Funny, my abs are 100% more defined now than they were in college when I was a crunch whore. I was hooked on the drive to run, to exercise, to absolutely run myself into the ground all day everyday, then wake up and do it again. It didn’t help I had a pool when I moved down here which just coupled the obsession. I was living off canned tuna and a bag of 100 cal popcorn. Threw in some bowls of lettuce and fruit here and there. Then, I hit rock bottom in the winter of 2006(winters and cold weather have never been a strong point for me, even now). Anyways, I was forced into help I couldn’t afford and was given an ultimatum: either I get thrown in a mental hospital treatment center for ED’s here (the program is well known, Tiger Woods went there lol) or I allow my parents to take control. I was NOT going to treatment so I let my parents have at me for about a year. First thing, I sit on my ass all day. My mom made dinner every night and I was to eat dinner every night with the family. I had a job as a hostess and was in school here at the time so I was only really home then. It worked, I went from prolly 85lbs to about 100lbs then got fed up. Anyways, after allowing my body to sit I never had a desire to pick up the cardio go go go exercise thing again. So I haven’t been on a ‘run’ or jog, or anything even relating to cardio since 2006. I doubt I ever will again mostly because I hurt my knees earlier this year. The beginning of this year, when I ended my touting on zero carb and started eating paleo, I was still doing no exercise. I was in straight casts on my knees because I am a dumbass and fell, spraining both MCL’s and tearing both meniscus’….painful fucking shit. I still am living down this pain, I didn’t get the ‘required’ surgery because I cannot afford it, and I am ‘tougher’ than that haha. Hardass, I know. So after being primal or whatever, basically just eating real food from February until about July I still did nothing. Come the end of July this year, I started with girl pushups, on my knees. That’s all I had strength for. Then I moved to pushups against the wall. Then I did fake dips where I lifted myself up because I wasn’t strong enough. Then I held myself over a chin up bar until I was strong enough to lift myself and do a real chin up. And now I am here. Beginner gains baby haha J

The short answer… I stopped exercise because I was forced unwillingly in 2006 and I never got back into it. I hate running. I hate cardio. I like pushups and chinups and pullups. But even that, has only been the past 4-5 months. About 3 weeks ago I added deadlift- ONCE A WEEK.

Jill: I never heard of these. Do these give sample meal plans to get a grasp on it all?

I still go overboard on all my food. And my body suffers. I’m constipated a lot. And very tired and sluggish. I’m starting to think I have something internal wrong with me. I overdo foods all the time, thinking I need to get the calories in…but suffer! I do like chocolate do (70 percent or greater currently). The HARDEST thing is being okay with eating like this (eating a lot, a lot…and eating chocolate) and never exercising. I sit 24-7. Maybe why I’m as stiff as a wooden doll.

You lost me on this question, I don’t understand what you are asking but I will try to answer. Sample meals? I have posted sample meals before so backtrack in my blog, I don’t eat much different now.  I just eat real food. I do eat a lot more carbohydrates than I use to. I found these cool purple potatoes at the farmers market that taste like white potatoes, its sweet! I think you’re sluggish because you destroyed your body starving it. Your tired because you over think your food. It is JUST food. You can’t obsess and expect to eat a meal then feel good, it doesn’t work that way. Matt at 180 degree health told me this recently I think it may help you :

I’d rather see you construct a diet based on what tastes the best to you, with the flexibility to eat anything and everything that appeals to you at the moment you are inclined to eat it – without attaching some kind of analysis to it.  I have been doing this lately personally, which has really helped me out.  There is no perfect way to construct a diet in your mind. It’s your body and its changing needs that must be catered to.  A little consistency sure, but not too rigorous.

What I do know is that a lot of minor issues resurface as you start to eat more and put on some body mass.  Perhaps it’s due to digestive weakness at the start.  Perhaps it’s due to blood sugar dysregulation of an impaired metabolism.  Perhaps it’s a combination of dozens of factors.

But I think what I’ve been most successful at helping people with is pressing through some of that stuff, increasing their food tolerances, their freedoms, and more as some of the minor stuff fades away over time.

Recovery will be met with lots of these little speed bumps (yeah, that’s what we’ll call those things!).  Whatever you can do to not get tripped up on them, do it.  Expect them.  See them as a sign that you are moving in the right direction. Try not to make too many assessments or Sherlock Holmes the crap out of everything that you experience.  Once your body weight is back to a level your body runs better at, you can tweak the minor details.

I’d also encourage you to give ONE strategy a shot for a prolonged period of time without tweaking the details or moving on to the next hot thing 2 weeks later.  A long-term vision is required to make permanent changes.  Think in 3-month blocks, not 3 day blocks, which is easier said than done!

The thing is, there is NO ONE answer to ‘what is wrong’ with your body at any given time, or just by a given feeling. The thing you NEED to focus on is finding out and discovering what YOU like, what makes YOU feel good, what works for YOU. Nobody else in this entire world is you and nobody else will react to recovery like you, or me, or some other blogger. Experiment on yourself, try different foods. Find food you LIKE, and eat them. Your body will thank you. Do not eat food X because I eat it, or because it is deemed ‘healthy.’ Eat a flipping pancakes and sausage breakfast because YOU LIKE IT. Not exercising is what it is. You both accept it and get on with life, or you freak about it which will cause a host of problems in itself. I just had to tell myself to chill the fuck out, sit the fuck back, rest and eat. Obviously, it paid off because I am stronger now than I ever have been and my bones/joints are finally not feeling like they belong to my dead grandma.

Molly: How many times a week do you “exercise” and apart from formal exercise, do you stay active/sedentary?

I ‘workout’ twice a week. It consists of EXACTLY this: pushups, chinups, assisted pullups(I use my feet to help because I cannot do them on my own yet), and upside down pushups(take the bar and swing under it and pull yourself up to it, like a pushup but upside down). So one day (usually Wednesdays) I do pushups, chinups, pullups and the reverse pushups.

The second workout is deadlift. I just started this about 3 weeks ago. Saturday morning, after coffee, I go to this shitty gym, pay $3 dollars and do 3 sets of deadlift. So, $1 a set haha. Last week I upped 185lbs. I did the first set at 8, the last 2 at 5. So one set of eight, 2 sets of 5. That’s it on this day. I ONLY deadlift, then leave the gym.

So total, I do about 45 minutes, rests included, of anything formal a week. Unless your desire is GAINING strength, I do not see lifting as anything necessary. I like it because it is mentally calming for me. I have an aggressive mind, I get really really mad sometimes about nothing and I cant control it. Lifting allows me to release this, and I handle life much better.

I think cardio is ridiculously stupid, pointless and counter productive to anyone who wishes to have a balanced normal body. Don’t do it. There’s a difference between taking a walk to the store or park, and waking up to jog.

Other than that, I have a desk job 8-10 hours a day as an accountant. When I get off I go home and eat dinner and lay around watching sports on TV or FOX news and text people lol. Every night pretty much. Weekends I watch football and drink alcohol, because I like it.

Bridget: Here’s a question: Would you every do a video/vlog post? Like one of you doing your workout or something?

I have no idea how to do that unless I have a video camera?? And no, I don’t. Maybe some guys at work do, ill ask around but I am not too adamant on showing you my pushups lol. Youtube is full of chicks doing that. I do think it would be cool to turn the thing on and talk though haha. I might be able to do that from my laptop.

Katy: What’s your favorite thing to eat?

You know, I get asked this a lot (no where near as much as the workout thing though…). I think every time I make a new food or try something different, I have a new favorite thing to eat. I like to make meatballs and season them different themes like Italian, curry, sage/thyme, spicy just try different things. It helps me figure out what I think ‘goes well’ together. Like Italian meatballs, I like with tomatoes roasted with garlic and butter, and mozzarella. Curry I like to use meat and a sauce with coconut butter. Spicy, I stuff pepper with ground sausage and add a kick of ginger or cinnamon to bring out the spiciness of them. I try new vegetables when I see ones I haven’t tried.

My go-to food I think I will always love: beef, sweet potatoes, full fat yogurt, fruit with cream or coconut milk, cheese all kinds of cheese, coconut products, eggs. And I love every single vegetable expect green onions…maybe a few others lol.

Katy: You just got 6-pack abs from eating primal?!?!

Yes, I promise. And never ever in my life have my abs been this defined. When I ran 23049650134 miles a week, ‘watched’ my food and ate healthy, and starved myself and did exercise A B and C for ‘abs’ I NEVER HAD ABS. When I was forced to sit still and eat, low and behold there they are! I think they needed nutrition and rest and massive amounts of food. I do know that anything focusing on your abs will NOT grow muscles there. Movements that force your lower back to be stable and your body centered are what grows abs. Planks are a good start.

Rebekah: First of all, I LOVE your writing. You are an inspiration. Please, please, please keep posting. I have been reading through all of your previous posts, and I am in awe of you! You exude strength, courage, wisdom, knowledge, humor, and compassion. I know I will never be able to understand your struggle, but I do know that I’m amazed by you!

I’d love to know more about malnutrition. What books did you read? Can you provide any of the titles?

Thank you. I hope that what other people get from my blog is to find what works for them and accept that only they can determine that. You gain strength and confidence and wisdom by doing this J.

I started with a textbook called disease and malnutrition of the human body (or something). You can prolly find it on Amazon. I bought it off a guy who used it for college here. Then I bought metabolism and endocrinology off Amazon, another textbook. Then I started reading PubMed and Paleolithic stuff. I am not as big a fan of Paleo, Sally Fallon, and all the hype as I once was. What makes one person feel good and happy is not what makes another person feel good and happy. It all boils down to stress and how your body reacts to your mind. Your attitude toward food and your body will determine how you look. Accept real food, and accept what works for you and what you like. Just because I don’t eat quinoa doesn’t mean you won’t love the stuff!

Rebekah: I’ve struggled for years with depression and binge eating. This year, I made the connection that sugar = sadness. So I cut it out of my diet. Then I figured out that wheat wasn’t doing much for me, either. It’s been a slow march from SAD eating to Sally Fallon-esque eating (heavy on meats, fats, and fermented food … not so much of anything else). But now I’m craving real knowledge on nutrition, to back up my body’s innate wisdom.

Obviously I hate on wheat and refined anything. It has no place in the human body. But not expanding your variety will cause you more mental turmoil and social hardship than I think is necessary. You live to eat when you do this instead of eat to live. Don’t focus so much on what you can or can’t eat and focus on real food. No one can bash you because you don’t eat ‘fake’ shit like chips and cake.

Have you read Emily’s Evolutionary Psychiatry website? I think you would learn a lot from her posts. Some are too technical for me but there is usually some sort of recap in them. she is a very smart lady! Also, check out the Perfect Health Diet website.

Rebekah: My family members keeping asking why I eat fat, and bones, and marrow. It would be helpful to explain to them scientifically why I eat in this manner (as opposed to giving them my usual response of “I just feel better.”) So any book recommendations you have would be greatly appreciated!

Um, if I only ate meat, bones and marrow I would have some ‘splainin to do as well. I was zero carb for a year before I was forced to change. I think you’re over thinking food here. You expect certain food to make you binge, you expect to be stressed about food X Y and Z and you expect that meat and fat are the only things that work….because you read it somewhere. Someone placed the belief in your head that this is true. You really truly believe this. This started because it WORKED FOR ONE PERSON but you are not that person. I did one time too believe this. But you need to DROP ALL the attitude, preobsession, post-thoughts you have about food and look at it for what it is. Just food. Just nourishment. You’ll find maybe you actually react a lot differently than you force yourself to react. I swore up and down I was insulin resistant for the longest time, years. But I am not. I handle carbs just fine. I do think saturated fats, and natural fats have a real place in the human diet and many people are lacking so much of the quality it provides but I doubt your years in from living off fried food and vegetable oil or packaged food and junk.  I do agree refined sugar=problems just as much as refined oil=problems.

Book recommendation. Actually I recommend you do not read ANY BOOKS AT ALL or surf the blog or internet 24/7 at all. Just stop it all. Accept you will go on a journey to find what works for you! Obviously, you know good food. Make a base off marrow bones and fatty meat, but work up from there. Add foods you like to this. You don’t need justification for what you eat or why you eat if you aren’t obsessing and aren’t stressed all the time. No one would question your food choices if you didn’t make it a big deal. I am not into ‘convincing’ my family I can eat _____ but not _______. I don’t care anymore. Really, I accept I eat what works for me and I am still figuring this out, so fuck the rest. It’s not their problem, it is mine. If I need help, I’ll ask. But always allow them to offer advice, and help because they only want you happy. They really truly do NOT understand you or how your mind works. You need to accept that. Or try to explain it to them. Tell them how your thought process works when you eat fatty meat. Then put a donut in front of you and tell them about your anxiety and fear of binging. Tell them EXACTLY what is going on in your head. They will get it then, and they will want to HELP you and even cook you big chuck roasts!

Rebekah: And finally … how did you learn how to do unassisted chin-ups?! I love push-ups, but chin-ups seem beyond me. Any advice would be great!

I sort of explained this up top somewhere but ill try again. Find a bar you can hold yourself over and do that, 3 times holding yourself there until you fall. Do it once a week until you’re strong enough to lower yourself to 90 degrees with your arms and again, hold yourself there as long as you can, 3 times. Then start doing jumping chinups. Jump from the ground only enough that you are struggling to get yourself over the bar. Do that 3 times. By the way, none of this will help to gain strength if you aren’t eating in a caloric surplus.  You can just magically get stronger if you don’t change how you eat.

Tori: I’ve heard about the carb hypothesis. I don’t know. What’s your take? I thought you’ve mentioned you stay away from bread, but am I mistaken?

People eat bread all the time in the Bible! Jesus can’t be wrong!  Haha!

I am a roman catholic, this is a confusing question. But I think you are taking it into a literal sense. Jesus even says he is the ‘bread of life’. Now, that is a symbolic meaning, and I think you know that. It is not saying Jesus is literally bread, but that he symbolizes a wealth of nourishment. Jesus does state ‘thy shall eat from the fat of the land’ I don’t think he means there is fat in the soil, but that it symbolizes they will find and eat meat. Also, I read this from Kevin Brown who wrote

The Liberation Diet: I have written an article called “The Spiritual Side of Healthy Eating” in which I try to incorporate God’s input on diet. Of course, as we believe God is the Creator, there is no Paleo diet, as we became meat eaters after our fall into sin in the garden of Eden. We were designed to eat plants initially, bread after the fall into sin, and animals after the flood of Noah’s day. We are not currently able to do well on a high-grains or high fruit diet. God gives us a perfect illustration of a healthy meal in Genesis 18 where He records the foods that He eats, and we know that God does all things perfectly. Any record of a meal that God eats personally includes fat and protein.

Laura: you’ve mentioned before that you eat between 2000-3000 calories a day eating off primal food. Ive always been taught that total calories count, and if you exceed what your body needs then you will gain weight. Ive been contemplating to switch over to full on primal eating but am afraid with all the calories to keep my satisfied, I’ll just gain weight. Are you eating this amount of food to gain for the time being?

Are you asking my to set you a calorie goal….oh shit, I feel a coonass rant coming on. First of all I am confused by the question? Are you on a restrictive diet now? If so, why the fuck are you restricting your food intake? Weight gain and weight loss have nothing to do with calories. Some days I eat well over 3000 ‘calories’ in the sense that the USDA calculates them. So what does that mean? Nothing. Should I be a fatty pants for eating a lot sometimes? Its food, not a number. You have been taught wrong, sorry. Eat for health and nutrition, not weight and numbers. I can’t advise you there. Why are you afraid of gaining weight? If you’re scared of gaining, you’re scared of eating and thus you’re scared of food….back to step one where you ACCEPT RECOVERY. RECOVERY HAS NO CALORIE ALLOTMENT OR NUMBERS. Recipe for weight gain and stress right there when you inquire about calories, regardless of what you eat. Keep satisfied?? This sounds like you’re trying to LOSE weight. Eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. Your body will work out the rest. I don’t eat any portioned ‘amounts’ of food, I JUST EAT REAL FOOD…when I am hungry….and I stop when I am full. Whatever plan you pick, be it vegan, carnivore, Mediterranean, paleo WHATEVER….just pick something and stick to it. BE DONE WITH THE DECISION MAKING. EAT FOOD YOU LIKE. Do not go searching for the ‘next big thing’ (again, thanks to Matt for that one…I get it now).

I guaran-damn-tee you found my blog and now want to be ‘full on primal’ because you saw how MY BODY took to it. Your body isn’t my body. Your body might not need as much food as mine; it might need much more, who the hell knows?!? You won’t know until you learn to listen to yourself, your likes, and find what works for your body. What if you like beans? Beans aren’t paleo. What if you like hummus, hummus aint paleo. God forbid you like peanut butter…it’s a legume. If you force primal eating thinking you’ll get a six pack, you are SADLY mistaken. My point is what works for me isn’t guaranteed to work for someone else (not to all out bitch at you). I can tell you what works for me, but it won’t work for you because you are not me.

And the last question, my weight fluctuates between none of your damn business and no I am not disclosing you with it. Not being a bitch, but it is disordered of you to wonder about food, weight and fear it. FIX IT AND ACCEPT RECOVERY. I have come one hell of a long way in the past 9-10 months but it is a CRACK, a small minute almost nonexistent step in the rest of my life. Yes, I have come far physically, but I have one hell of a long way to still go. I can’t even begin to describe that just eating food again and putting on weight is not recovery. My recovery is no where near ‘over’ and I don’t want people to get the idea that once you get to a normal BMI life is peachy. Life is one shit-ton better, but it is still life. There are things going on in my body that are weird, wrong, unhealthy and are finally surfacing now that my body is up and running again. That sucks. Nothing like feeling like shit when you’ve worked so hard, but as is life, it will pass. It still sucks sometimes: like my car broke down this week and I had to fix it and now have no money for Christmas presents. I got pissed. Like really really really obnoxiously mad, kicked the shit out of my car etc. I REALLY REALLY wanted to lose weight when this happened, for absolutely no fucking reason at all. Just because, it was so ridiculous and I was so mad. But guess what, that’s life. I paid to tow and repair my car and I ate plenty of food…as much as I may have hated it all.

Here’s a few tips for anyone who is interested in what I would tell someone to eat:

What do you like? What makes you feel good? EAT THAT. I don’t care what the hell it is, if you like it, it makes you feel good, then why would you NOT eat it??? Why does it matter what I eat and like, you’re not me and we WILL NOT like that same things. This is why I don’t run a recovery based food blog. No one should eat like ANY retarded blogger you see sharing their every meal with you- ESPECIALLY ONE IN RECOVERY FROM AN EATING DISORDER. Just because blogger ‘A’ likes to start the day with a green chia/flax protein smoothie sure as hell does not mean I will. I don’t care what the fuck you ‘think’ is healthy about it, it could provide every single vitamin, mineral and amino acid and I wouldn’t touch it, holy ew. You could be the most admirable person with a body I think is fantastic, and just because you like oatmeal and beans and egg whites will not convince me to change and I will never want to or try to mock you. I think this sets me apart…everyone is looking for ‘what to eat’ and ‘the answer’….EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, LISTEN TO YOUR MIND AND BODY.

What is food to you? EAT THAT, even if it is a powder in a bottle. If you really truly believe that a tofurki-fuck-what-its-called tofu nugget will make you happy and healthy, THEN BY ALL MEANS EAT IT.

Some choices are better than others. Nobody should eat refined food or products at all, but is that possible when one wants to live life more than live vicariously through some sick food opinions or health obsessions? Almond butter is a ‘refined product’ because it is not raw almonds straight from the shell, it is grinded almonds. Does that mean I shouldn’t eat it if it is served at my friend’s house…? FUCK NO, I am eating. Just because poultry is not something I like to eat ever but I am out to dinner on a date, and they’re serving turkey or chicken, does that mean I can’t eat because of the mass PUFA in poultry?? FUCK NO, I am eating.

I am still eating cheese even if it isn’t raw because I am a dairy whore, but you’re damn set in your ways I WILL NOT touch a low-fat product, at all, in any form. I won’t touch wheat and grains. I draw a line, I eat real food, there are margins of area where I just won’t touch it but not because I think oh my God it will destroy my body. It is a simple passing thought of ‘that’s not food.’ There aren’t nonfood products that ‘tempt’ me like some people experience. You can put me in the office break room full of krispy kremes, cookies and cinnamon rolls…and it doesn’t phase me, at all. No stress, no I wish I could have that. It’s like a toy, not food and I think the way people act around that junk, especially during the holidays is just downright sick.

Odds & Ends… Friday, Dec 17 2010 


*Gary Taubes has a blog, I find it funny….he believes the ‘carb hypothesis’….guey and then admits he knows nothing about omega 6, fructose and industrial vegetable oil…as in, he doesn’t think theres anything in herently wrong with eating that junk.

*Don’t believe anything you read on a blog(except maybe mine but I don’t claim to ‘know’ anything I just tell you what works), seriously, especially a health blog.

* I have an experiment brewing in my head I want to try… if I decide on it I will let y’all know. In a nutshell, its meat and taters…

* We usually get a turkey at work for Christmas. All the employees get one to take home for Christmas dinner….yeah, didn’t happen this year. Now I need to buy my mom a turkey, damnit.

* I asked for a pressure cooker for christmas, and a Saints hoodie. I am way overly excited for a pressure cooker.

* I made my first REAL reduction gravy sauce this week….time consuming, but frikin amazing. I used Richards recipe at Free the Animal but added more butter, less wine and a packet of gelatin (because I have it and I convince myself it makes my knees hurt less- placebo, prolly)

* I can do over 20 guy pushups in one set, and ALMOST 7 chin ups in one set, and a bunch of dips but I didn’t count them 🙂

* I do no ab exercises whatsoever, at all, ever…and I have a 6 pack. Obviously singling out on muscle group doesn’t work, stop doing crunches you fool

* I actually get sad when I see people living of shitty food and food that is just….not food. like, it makes no sense to me I don’t get it. My sadness turns to rage and anger when someone like this tries to school me on oatmeal and wheaties health, along with soy milk. If people only understood…

* I work on Christmas Eve, so I am not sure how I will make it to Christmas Eve Mass…hmmm

* My older brother got his dream job. He leaves/moves in about 40 days, to VIRGINIA. I am proud and happy for him but very, very sad. I don’t ‘have anyone’ down here but my family. I don’t want him to move. We have been separated WAY too much in the past…10 years… he was deployed for like 6 I am JUST now learning about the person he turned into while he was at war. Obviously. this job is a big deal but poop, it sucks.

Open Questions….

If anyoen has questions for me about anything, post them in the comment, random, recovery related, I dont care…and I will post them in my next blog post 🙂

What did YOU ASK FOR for Christmas?

My Dark Passenger Monday, Dec 13 2010 

My apologies if this post makes no sense to anyone!

I am pretty convinced that everyone has a twisted mind. No one person’s mind is just ‘normal.’ I mean when you think about it, what the hell depicts a ‘normal mind’? no one can tell you what is normal but there is an obvious line drawn between one who exists in life as an active passenger of sound mind, and one who goes through life encompassed by their ‘dark passenger.’ I recently finished watching the full series of Dexter. Amazing show. I was hooked from episode one, and I hate TV. This is the only time in my life I have EVER watched a TV show.

If you have suffered an eating disorder or traumatic mind altering experience in your life, then you have a dark passenger. It follows you everywhere. It is always there. It will always be there. I recommend anyone who thinks they may have a dark passenger to watch Dexter; you will relate. He makes sense to me. Everything he does I understand. It’s twisted, distorted and out of the ordinary. His mind works much like my own and probably yours to. There is this inner monologue that is shared throughout the show, and while it is used as a punch of comical relief it is insanely much like my own mind.

Dexter defeats his dark passenger by killing people; he is a serial killer. He cannot experience peace in life without taking a deserving person’s life. It’s like his adrenaline rush and stress relief. And it’s sick because I understand it. Dexter is a man who believes himself inhuman, much like me, a monster incapable of human emotions. He constantly examines his life via this inner monologue and he catches himself with emotions which often surprise him, and often serves as a clue to what is going on around as well as within him.

I feel like I go through life with no emotions whatsoever. I have this inability to talk to people if emotions are involved. My mind, often just comes up with these sick and twisted thoughts or ideas. I always keep them to myself because they are definitely not normal. Or the opposite end, I just bash out at people in my head; obviously not something to be shared with anyone vocally. Like I make the snarkiest smartass comments but it is all inner monologue with myself. My mind stays occupied 24/7 with my own inner monologue. It’s like I lack to ability to ‘get out’ of my head.

For me to be able to just conversate with someone I have to really try hard at it. I have to distract my ‘dark passenger’ from myself which is a constant struggle. It’s almost as if it is easier to stay quiet (because there’s plenty of conversation in my head) than it is to face the constant struggle of distraction. I do not understand emotions. I really do not know how to express them or feel them. I know I love my mom, dad and brothers but I have no idea how to feel it, or how to express it. I lack words ALL the time. Take for example, a kitchen table with my parents and brother, and myself sitting at it. Everyone is chatting. This blows my mind. People can just talk, like it comes naturally. I just sit and listen, and even that is hard in itself. I have to pause my inner monologue and try to take in what is being said.

It is so hard because my mind just keeps going, having conversations with itself. Sometimes it’s funny and I will be at my desk and start laughing for no reason. I also find some really twisted things hilarious. Like videos of people getting hurt. Like, I pee my pants laughing. Have you seen the youtube video of the guy who gets hit by a bus trying to dance to ‘teach me how to dougie’? I couldn’t control myself after I watched that video- it was so flippin funny.

But my dark passenger is not an eating disorder and it never was. However, my dark passenger became anorexia when I lost the ability to keep it occupied. Malnutrition pretty much caused this morph in my mind and from there; all life was a struggle that I could not occupy. I couldn’t get out of it. There are bigger emotions and experiences in life than the petty ones I cling to and carry along. That still holds true today. Everyday is a constant struggle to keep my inner dialogue still.

I am not a depressed person, but the depressed mind struggles with itself and adopts stances and ideas it can latch onto and hold like a cross in a catholic church. What the depressive mind latches onto serves as encouragement. This usually leads to obsession and ends up in an unstoppable loop of inner dialogue that keeps you going. Taking views and seeing experiences in a certain way will shape how you handle them. Some can be made brighter and some can be self tormenting. I relate a lot to the depressed mind, but my dark passenger was forever changed the day I accepted recovery from anorexia. I cannot, and don’t ever expect my dark passenger to go away- it will always be there. But, anorexia has left me.

But it’s hard. Besides having a 24/7 internal conversation with myself, I have to distract my mind from feeding off starvation. My dark passenger loves malnutrition, loves starving. My mind gets amplified from a lack of nutrition and my thoughts morph into self hate, self harm etc. I needed in my recovery, to find a way to tame this beast that had become of my mind.

Enter self discovery and self challenge.

I am a stubborn person. A quiet stubborn person. I’m never ‘sick’ or ‘hurt’ or ‘in pain.’ Maybe because I don’t much know what that means or maybe because I hate people worrying about me or even thinking about me. I found only one thing during recovery that keeps my dark passenger…. satisfied. That is pushing myself to the extreme- twice a week. I needed to do something that would temporarily exhaust me to the point of no thought. But this lack of thought brought me total satisfaction, peace of mind and comfort. It is the only way I could release the built up everything in my mind. I can’t share my thoughts usually because they are just fucked up. I can’t feel emotions because I don’t really know how to. I can’t conversate well because I don’t have anything to talk about.

But I can tell you when I do a set of pushups until my chest is going to smack the ground I do not FEEL ANYTHING in my head afterwards. It’s gone. The dark passenger temporarily leaves. It’s like the sky cleared and I have an understanding- of something. It’s a moment of optimism and confidence that appears, a glimmer of hope, of normalcy and everything seems brighter. Obviously given this post, it doesn’t last. It wears off and the dark passenger needs to be fed another eat-my-shorts exhaustive episode of something. It’s my own struggle, my own internal struggle.

Who do we blame for our internal struggles? I have never ever in my life thought that my ‘self’ was the fault of anyone or anything but me. It has always been all my fault. I have always been quiet, and weird. When shit goes bad, it’s on me because I make it that way. When I am silent at a table of talking people, it’s my fault. When I don’t get a phone call return from a left message, I fucked something up. Anorexia as well, I have always thought was my own doing that started as some measly desire for a 6pack turned obsessive turned uncontrollable.

But recovery was all me as well, that is real power. Real strength. No one gets credit for my recovery but me. No one understands why throwing around heavy shit and myself periodically keeps me sane. I have a need to exert my mental turmoil, shit, congestion (whatever the hell it is) onto something so as to release it. Heavy stuff works. Challenging my body works. You’ll never see me jog a mile or step on an elliptical machine ever again in my life, but you can bet I will challenge you to a pushup contest. The thing is, when I accepted recovery my dark passenger was not a part of it. Eating enough food for my desire to lift heavy shit is NOT hard. Gaining weight is not hard.  Food isn’t part of my warped mind any longer. It doesn’t tally and count and obsess about portions or macronutrients or pre & post workout eating. There’s no when how or why to eating. That is freeing, peaceful…crazy really.

My dark passenger won’t ever leave. It has been there my entire life. It’s constantly chugging away with mental conversations. But it no longer takes my good health away from me. It no longer pinpoints food and my body image as a means to rear an ugly side of me. It no longer feeds off starvation and I no longer live in denial or a place where I need to justify my every move. If my mind would like to be on ‘go’ all the time I can accept that as I have never felt it any other way. If I am always going to be a quiet person I can accept that. If I fail to understand real emotions, I believe a time in my life will come where I can understand what it means to have real contact and feelings with or for someone else. What I have is inner strength as long as I have my health. Real power.

My thoughts seem to be in control a lot. Sort of sick, but it’s mostly to pass time and is usually, to my weird self, comical. If people in general knew the unstableness of my mind and its thought pattern that I keep so tightly cased away within myself I can’t quite imagine what would happen. I have such an inconsistent perspective on life, on anything. I can change my mind 100 times just to entertain my mind. Its why having a desk job is hard for me, why watching TV is damn near impossible, and why constant repetition of something, even if it is thoughts is a joy to me. Some people can sit in the park and feed ducks all day. Sitting on a bench at a park would be damn near impossible for me because there is so much going on in my head. Maybe, if one day I could gain power over my dark passenger, this shadowing cloud over my every move in life, then I will productively be able to share feelings and conversation with other people.

But for now, I sit with myself all day, 8-10 hours at a desk at my job and allow thoughts to pop in my head and move about. One thought cues a wide array of reactions and associations and all the sudden there’s a whole series of connected thoughts going on. I don’t let the dark passenger ‘get to me’ like it use to. I can’t change it. I am who I am and I will always be. Maybe along with accepting recovery and health I accepted that I am ‘different’ and carry a dark passenger with me wherever I go. I don’t let it get out of hand though- I get to a point where I cant possibly think of anything more twisted and I recap at how someone could actually think of the stuff I do. And it doesn’t upset me. A normal person would find that disturbing, really really disturbing. Why doesn’t it upset me?

There isn’t an absence of people in my life to talk to. There’s plenty of social contact between me and people, but it happens just because. I have daily interactions with coworkers and friends but at the end of the day, there is me, and my thoughts. I am left with only my own thoughts.

What if everything you ever wanted cost you everything you ever achieved? Would you still?

I don’t want anyone to think I feel sorry for myself. I don’t. I didn’t write this post for sorrow or even anyone to relate to. You can’t relate to me. You can’t relate to my recovery. You can start your own. You can understand your own recovery and your own self. Not everyone has a dark passenger. Some people who ‘recover’ are still forever encompassed in food obsession. I find this very saddening and I would argue malnutrition but it’s not my choice. I don’t end the day wishing tomorrow will be better, I accept today and look forward for tomorrow.

I think now, with acceptance my dark passenger keeps me from going over the edge, from giving up and giving in. My private struggle use to mean loneliness and despair but now I am free from the darkness and pain and fear. While my mind may seem as a comical relief compared to the past, it is still my ever thinking rolling mind.

Do I think this is normal? Nope

Do I think you can relate? Yes, but not in a personal way. We are all so very different

Do I think it’s a good thing? Anorexia resulted in death. I look at my dark passenger as a Zen tradition “Nen nen ju shin ki” which means something like “Thought following thought.”

There are so many maybes to everything too. Maybe I am just lonely. Maybe I am just a freak. Maybe I am normal. Maybe I am broken. Maybe this is the way my life should be going. Maybe I should accept it.


I think this is why I could watch Dexter. It compelled me to see someone act like I do. A part of life, holding a job and her health, but seriously carrying around this dark passenger everywhere she goes all the while striking me as comical. When I do muster up emotions, they surprise me. I don’t always grasp what is going on around me, or within me but I have experienced remorse, and guilt. I have experienced accomplishment, especially with recovery. So I am not just a mute to life, its more like mild autism if I had to give it a name.

It makes me scared to know I may one day share my everyday with another person, a husband. That I will have to find a way to heal this constant mind. There’s troubling truths I carry, everyone carries with them everyday. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has wounds, distastes and everyone is their own freak surrounded by normalcy. I mean look at the current state of the U.S…moral idiocy. No one knows how to act, what to believe, where to turn and what to abandon.

Erratic thought is neither completely centered nor completely bizarre. I lack the indecision and second-guessing associated with so much. I have a preference for creativity and intuition, but also enough sufficient verbal skills to be able to translate in any meaningful way to myself and others.

***All in all, you are likely to be quite content with yourself and your style although at times it will not necessarily be appreciated by others. You have sufficient confidence to not second-guess yourself, but rather to use your critical faculties in a way that enhances, rather than limits, your creativity. You can learn in either mode although far more efficiently within the visual mode. It is likely that in listening to conversations or lecture materials you simultaneously translate into pictures which enhance and elaborate on the meaning.  It is most likely that you will gravitate towards those endeavors which are predominantly visual but include some logic or structuring. You may either work particularly hard at cultivating your auditory skills or risk “missing out” on being able to efficiently process what you learn. Your own intuitive skills will at times interfere with your capacity to listen to others, which is something else you may need to take into account***


What ISSS my level? Friday, Dec 10 2010 

I should make this a freaking Christmas card for my family…holy progress




















Enough said, I’m done, have a good weekend….GET ON MY LEVEL



Taters and Life Monday, Dec 6 2010 

I wanted to add for those readers who have suffered bulimia and binging/purging history this guy who has cured his with Leangains style eating may help you. I am intrigued at his accomplishment and his ability to stay controlled in a sensible and care-free way. I am sure he would be able to assist those who have suffered bulimia. It is worth the read


This slideshow requires JavaScript.

This is gonna be a rannnndom blog post, all over the place prolly. I need to vent and rant about because, in light of the holiday season, I am a LITTLE pissed off. So… here go a few things that piss off Mal:

1. People seem to think there is a cure-all substance, be it a vitamin, like the touted omega 3 or vitamin D, or a secret weight loss amino acid. This, beyond all conceivable understanding is suuuuch utter bullshit I can’t even begin to understand how people by into all the hype over nothing. PILLS…THERE IS NO magic pill or substance that will magically make people happy and thin. Thin first of all is bleh, lean is admirable. first of all, if you Google ANY vitamin you will be convinced of how absolutely necessary it is and how optimal your body will be with efficient amounts of vitamin “z.” well no shit beavus, vitamins are vitamins for a reason and deficiencies of them lead to a host of problems. But do you need 293456012345613845 IU’s of vitamin D everyday….or 10grams of omega 3’s!!?? Nobody, NOBODY knows the effects of this mass supplementing that goes on in the long run. What is vitamin D ultimately causes obesity or corleatic cancer…then you’re screwed. What is trying to balance out your omega 3:6 ratio by taking 6 grams of omega 3 because you got 6 grams of omega 6 leads to a fucking heart attack and aertial plaque?!?! Nobody knows, but an excess OF ANYTHING IS NOT A GOOD THING. Drives me wild to see people hound on supplements when a good diet will provide you with everything you need. EAT SOME FUCKING LIVER and a can of sardines….you’ll be fine. GET ON WITH LIFE.

2. I hate guys. I am sick of getting screwed over. Last guy I mentioned on the blog… yeah, he turned out to be a shithead. Well, last week while I was doing errands for my boss, a guy gave me his number and told me to call him so we could hang out. Okay, cool. I gave it the ‘week wait’ and then we hung out a couple times and texted on the phone at night la-de-fucking-da. It was great…then he told me he had a girlfriend. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING GIVING YOUR NUMBER OUT AND HANGING OUT WITH A CHICK WHEN YOU HAVE A MOTHER FLIPPING GIRLFRIEND!!?!?!>?! What do you call that, nice? I call you a douche bag. Few, VERY VERY few things cause the coonass in me to come out. Like, you gotta get me really worked up and lividly pissed off before you will see me blow up publicly or vocally. Well, this did it. It could be coupled with the fact that I am sick to my stomach of smelling sugar and chocolate in the break room at work. It is like entering the coffin of diabetes, I swear you’ll get a diabetic coma just by walking in there. It is sick. And this boy is screwed up. Thanks, but ill keep my pride and you can keep your not-so-bright girlfriend. I hope she screws you over.

3. Why do people make such strong assumptions about other people? This is particularly annoying when you do not know someone. Take for example, an individual who is naturally skinny. There are just those skinny fucks in society. People who eat shitloads and they have no muscle mass and they’re boney and skinny. Nothing is less attractive to me than a male being a skinny dude. Sweet as he may be, I think that shows a lack of masculinity, and reminds me of a pussy-wussy boy who kicks around a soccer ball instead of putting on pads and playing a real sport like football. I know, I just assumed skinny dudes are pussies, but whatever. The point of this rant is to voice my annoyance when people judge about eating disorders based on appearance. Nothing is further from reality here except maybe what your ED head may be telling you. There are fat anorexics and there are skinny bulimics. There are binge eaters who never become overweight. THEY ALL STILL SUFFER NONE THE LESS. I have no personal problem passing by some chick at Wal-Mart who smokes crack everyday and has purple bags under her eyes and judging(bad I know) by her wrinkly skin is about 40 years older looking than she is. However, it seems other people (with active eating disorders) will walk by a skinny chick and flipping starve for a day. Take a moment… then tell me what the fuck that proves. WHY DO YOU FREAKING CARE!?!?!?! Its selfish…it’s self centered. Separate yourself from your disordered mind, and again, get on with life.

4. I eat reallly really randomly sometimes. I don’t know why this pisses me off because at the time it seemed to make sense but I usually try and eyeball something to the extent of ‘make sure you eat meat and veggies, add fat’. all problems are solved with this logic, but then there’s days when this happens…eat 3 huge-mungo sweet potatoes with obnoxious coconut butter on top, a whole rutabaga, a can of tomatoes with clams and shrimp, a whole tub of yogurt with carob and fruit, chicken (probly half a chicken) with homemade honey mustard, unidentified raw veggies with lots dip… hahahah I guess I was hungry for some carbs that day. But I get pissed off because I go through like a flippin case of water from 7pm-7am the next morning. Like obnoxiously thirsty coupled with obnoxious peeing. Whatever, lol. Its funny now and I wasn’t even thinking at the time which is a good thing it just usually doesn’t happen like that. When I get hungry I usually want fat…nom nom buttery eggs and cheeseburgers… this time I wanted sweet potatoes and copious yogurt/chocolate/fruit…lots of it haha.

5. Branching off rant number one, no diet or way of eating is ever going to work the same for person A as it is for person B. you know why, they are not the same person. They don’t have the same hormones, the same skin complex, the same brain wiring, the same personality, the same bone structure the same ANYTHING EVEN IF YOU’RE AN IDENTICAL TWIN. If some people eat low carb and tout to all hell about its greatness it is because IT WORKS FOR THEM. If someone proclaims you will never be happy until you eat 6 times a day it is because it works for them. If anonymous blogger thinks that the secret amino acid to life enhancement and weight loss if L-tryptophan it is because it worked for him. You will never know what works for you until you allow yourself to find out. Following other peoples path doesn’t work. accepting recovery means discovering what the hell it is you like to eat, when you like to eat, how much it takes to fill you up, what you crave, everything. IT WONT BE THE SAME FOR YOU AS IT IS FOR ME. And when you find out what works for you, I hope your scream about it from the bottom of your stomach because YOU FOUND HAPPINESS AND HEALTH. That is all anyone really wants. people go around trying to figure out how to control others and mock people their whole lives because it makes them feel powerful when really the most power you will ever have is learning to control yourself and your own mind(in a healthy way).

On a good note… I find humor in a lot now. Like rereading this post..haha first of all it doesn’t matter one fuckload what I eat day to day…I will eventually meet a guy and it will work out and in the mean time I am happy that I don’t get stuck with a sucker guy like the one who screwed me over. Third, ill stay happy and healthy living as supplement free as humanly possible and not depicting every minute nutrient that enters my body. If health was about singling out nutrients then we’d all be ever lasting and it weight gain was all about carbohydrates we’d all be skinny.

I think, no I KNOW in the grand scheme of things, the health problems our country faces will boil down to some misfiring complexity that has NOTHING to do in the least bit with a calories, an excess of calories, a fat gram or its excess, a carbohydrate or its excess or protein and its excess. NOTHING AT ALL. If it was that simple we’d all be flipping fatasses or we’d all be THOUGHT free maintenance natural weighted people. If carbs caused fat gain then my well over 400 carbohydrate day the other day would have put weight on me because my insulin levels probably skyrocketed that day. But guess what…here I am, same weight. If fat caused heart disease, or obesity, or high cholesterol then you can GUARANTEE I WOULD ALREADY BE DEAD. So no, the hopers can keep hoping they know everything and people like me, will get on with life and eat real food. Don’t worry about all the bullshit, life is not worth that.

Last, I did my Christmas shopping yesterday. I had never been inside a Bed Bath and Beyond… I walked in the store at 2pm…and walked out at 530pm. haha I seriously convinced myself I needed and could put to use every freaking cool utensil and gadget in the store. love it. walked out with a popcorn popper for my dad, and a julienne/mandolin for my mama. nothing for me, but I know where to ask for a gift certificate to now!

oh and ps, accept recovery, eat real food…. cuz its pretty damn sweet to eat craploads when you’re hungry and feel satisfied, and its pretty fucking cool to not tool out over everything and starve yourself over it. it’s amazing to laugh and joke and talk all day long, to hum and sing Christmas songs(even though I suck at singing as I have been told recently lol). its mind boggling to not think about food, to just eat. you cant have this if you don’t just allow yourself the freedom to let go, separate your disorder from yourself, accept recovery, and fucking eat real food. there’s no science to it, at all. just eat, drink and be merry!

Post Holiday Binge Monday, Nov 29 2010 

A BINGE ON HAPPINESS MIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a sick sort of twisted way I got a kick out of the first passing holiday this year. One year ago, come thanksgiving I was flipping out about having to eat turkey injected with sodium phosphate (which in the grand scheme of things is not a big deal) and refused to even eat the thanksgiving turkey my mom slaved over all morning. There was no real rhyme or reason to this, I just freaked out about food anyone made- it wasn’t pure or comfortable or something. IT WASN’T THE SAME AS I WAS USE TO EVERY SINGLE DAY IN AND DAY OUT OF MY RUDUNDANT POINTLESS EXISTENCE at the time.

LAST year, I brought my own free range chicken and cooked it in a toaster oven and served myself a roast chicken while avoiding 100% of everything my mama made. Holy shit, I am so ashamed of what I did. It was around this time last year, post thanksgiving, that my older brother and parents saw me start going downhill again. Everything became repetitive, and when you eat zero carb which I did at the time (meat only) and you become repetitive…well there’s a problem. I was eating the same thing same amount everyday. Eventually it led to weight loss (which nutritional deficiencies do) and relapse at the beginning of this year. Obviously, February of this year I got on the primal bandwagon and would venture a bet that I have tried every single vegetable, fruit, nut and meat available to me.

Then there was this year. I was more worried about what to bring than ever. The possibilities were endless! I could make pumpkin pie, chocolate strawberries, coconut balls….I was excited, about making food. This was a first. I ended up choosing to season and bake apples and made a coconut whipped cream for on top. YUM.  It T’WAS delicious. I also took part in every primal offering at thanksgiving, INCLUDING smashed white taters! No biggie, really. I was hungry. I made sure I would be hungry for feasting at thanksgiving because that’s what normal people do! Then when I was done I was full, but not obnoxiously I need to take a nap full, just stuffed. The onlookers (my family) seemed more amazed at my ability to talk, be normal and calm than myself. IT WAS JUST FOOD. But looking back on this year, I think it was the first time since I moved out of my house, gained weight, and have sat down to a family dinner with both parents and both brothers. The look on their faces when I scooped up the smashed taters (which I had smashed hah) was priceless. I was confident. I more than deserved the looks from my family as I have put them through endless shit the past years- its just one of those things you need to accept and take in stride. And I am guessing they were simply speechless and astounded by my recovery and ‘saneness’.

So yes, this year, for the first time in some 7 years past, I got a fluttery stick up my ass of comic relief from thanksgiving. The turkey(and leftover like 15lbs I have recently devoured) was amazing. I even went out with some people from work turkey deep frying and got a whole one to myself. I thought about the peanut oil it was fried in, but it surely did not stop me from eating this amazing beast of a bird- primal or not. My smashed taters were good I suppose-I think they are tasteless but whatever. The green beans had cooked all day in ham hock and were from my mama’s garden. The sauerkraut…well I love it and you can’t really mess it up ha-ha. Overall wonderful. I am thankful for my family being together for a meal, all of us, for the first time in like 5 years due to my brothers being overseas with deployment. It was great. One big happy healthy family. That’s like the only thing I pray for in life.




This shows a lot. About my progress, my well being, and the loss of the selfishness an eating disorder places on every sufferer. You have to accept recovery. You have to live your life WITHOUT your eating disorder. It cannot tag along with you just because you function in your day to day life. You are still suffering, still obsessing and still stuck if this is you. ACCEPT trashing what it is that is holding you back and begin, or keep pushing toward your path in recovery. The holidays are FUN, they’re exciting, unpredictable. They are much like everyday life SHOULD be. Full of love and laughter.


NOW, another side topic rantability by yours truly. I CANNOT GIVE YOU ADVICE ON HOW MUCH FOOD TO EAT, HOW MANY CALORIES TO CONSUME, WHAT KIND OF FOOD TO EAT or WHEN TO EAT IT. My recovery is NOT your recovery. You will never get macro consumption advice, exercise advising or ANYTHING LIKE IT. I have portrayed in my blog through my writing what has worked for me. It isn’t about food and it never will be. It is about separating yourself and your fake ED identity and accepting life without it. You find your own recovery by doing this. You cannot live vicariously through me. First of all that’s sick, and second you aren’t me and you never will be. I didn’t follow anyone when I began recovery. I picked one simple unarguable concept to eat real food. I did that. I became healthy. I sat ON MY ASS. When I started eating real food in copious amounts I WAS IN KNEE IMMOBILIZERS, unable to even take a shit or shower on my own. I did NOT MOVE for close to 3 months. Yes, giving up exercise is possible. I did it for years. It is part of recovery, the sitting on your ass and getting pissed you have to eat. Crying about being still. Frustrated you’re just sitting in the moment while your brain is moving a  million miles an hour. But until you experience this and accept this it will not go away. Your fear of giving up what you hold onto so strongly won’t just go away. You cannot recovery from anorexia just by eating more BUT STAYING EXACTLY THE SAME in every motion of your life.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.


Next Page »