That Amazing Body Saturday, Jan 8 2011 

So over the past month or so(I haven’t written a mind blowing post lately) I have delved my weirdo brain into anthropology, cognition, basically the human mind and how it relates to evolution as well as how it relates to modern day. My views on the whole paleo movement have changed. Not that I no longer still agree with it, but I see it with a new set of eyes. I always have my defenses up and I always question everything. Even after reading study after study about how saturated fat has NO relation to ill health or disease, it doesn’t still leave me thinking it is anything more than a benign substance for the human body and its intake gauging a ketogenic adaption or a glucose adaption by the body with hormonal regulation. Which works best is for no one to decide but you.

Like most things, I have no answers but plan to share some mind blowing realizations I have made over the past few months. First, well actually like for the millionth time, the human body is an EVER evolving strange and adaptable….thing. Does it not blow your
mind someone can survive with one kidney, with NO gall bladder, a missing amygdala … this drives my mind bonkers. It is absolutely astonishing. The human body and mind have evolved as a consequence of our cognitive niche, our cultural influence, our genetic expression and our ability to reason and draw conclusions through information sharing. Don’t forget that when talking ‘paleo’ ‘GROK’ did not have language, he couldn’t write let alone portray a message to someone else. Think of how we have evolved. The inclusion and overconsumption of meat by the paleo man allowed for our brains, specifically our prefrontal cortex to grow to maturing levels and enabling what we have gotten ourselves into. Mass farm production, a culture that has a birth to death age of around 78 but ONLY with the addition of the massive medicine and pharmaceutical industry help. Grok lived until his 30’s; he birthed, grew, fucked and died. That was the life of grok. Its no wonder the human gene is evolved to hit fertility and slowly dwindle down and away in health. It is the by product of evolution.

sidenote….did Grok find farts funny??? haha

However, so much has changed this day in age that some people opt not to have children because they do not want to bring them into a world of stress and chaos. With life comes so much pleasure and so much pain, each to be experienced. Humans are uniquely destructive, think about it. We often do more harm than good to ourselves, our lives and others because we hold on too long. Many of us grasp anything, a concept, a belief and hold onto it so strongly that the rest of life passes us by and we are still stuck not passing go and not collecting our $200. We were smart enough once in history to develop complex tools and large smart brains, but lordy what happened after that. Our world is uncooperative and massive controversy causes mayhem.
What gets me, is how we managed to develop the abilities we have. How the HELL did we develop an ability to make words that make sense, to convey emotions, feelings, thoughts and opinions. Not to mention needs and desires. That’s amazing. Language, social communication and genuine intelligence, how we got a hold of it is a mystery to me but the only conclusion I draw is that somewhere in evolution Darwinism got a hold of a select set of humans and their genes to create an environment where such advances were possible. It seems the pattern is our minds adapt to our environment. Well let’s delve into our modern environment. COMPLETE CHAOS. The United States lives in a world of WEIRDNESS, not to mention forced assimilation, one sided opinions, conformity, fairness, and cooperation…total chaotic stress. Our whole country is so atypical to whatever you consider natural to be its ludicrous.

Placing yourself in a capable and creative atmosphere almost guarantees your success. And that is damn near impossible. Eric Weiner wrote a book depicting this scenario and his conclusion :

The results seemed to identify two different aspects of happiness: an overall feeling that your life is satisfactory and the experience of positive emotions. Life satisfaction does correlate fairly well with income, but evidently the link between enjoying life (or not) on a day-to-day basis is much less well correlated with income. … the study seems to have identified two different types of resources: the possession of economic resources affects life satisfaction, and the possession of psychological/social capital affects day-to-day reports of positive or negative feelings. The study shows that these two flavors of happiness are separate

My thoughts, our world is full of fear. There was a lady born without an amygdala I remember reading about. SHE HAD NO FEAR…meaning the lack of her head containing an amygdala meant she did not possess the ability to sense fear, and nothing threatened her. How weird and inconceivable an idea that is. Courage, I would wager is the opposite of fear but without the ability to understand fears how do you have courage? Again, amazing.
Further, I read a study about psycho-analyst people who can tell by looking at your eyeball, something dealing with how you see and how your retina look, and from that gauge your level of depression. So chicken and the egg…are you depressed which leads to the change in your sight, or does the change in your sight lead to depression. Does withdrawing from society due to depression have something to do with how your retina react?
“Some recent research has found that in the retinas of depressed people, the response to black/white contrasts was notably lower than in healthy people. This backs up an earlier study which found that depressed people had a harder time detecting differences between black and white”
That, is crazy. So a depressed person not only thinks in gray and low self worth, they also literally SEE that way. That damned amazing brain.
On a similar thought, when a group of people is listening to a speaker, is the speaker controlling our brains or are we controlling our brains as we perceive the speaker and his/her message? What I mean, when you read my writing are we thinking in the same brain length or are you in total control right now? Language limits how I can portray a message to you. I can tell you time and again that the key to recovery from anorexia is acceptance. It is always step one, always the first step to the final decision. But what I am trying to portray and what you THINK I am trying to tell you could be two totally different things. Again, the human language limits what I can make you try and understand. I wonder what is happening in my own brain as I write this, and how your brain perceives it. Many of us subscribe to subconscious beliefs whether we realize it or not. I could tell you 2934865234 times that the ONLY WAY to speed up your metabolism is to eat more food. But unless you truly believe, commit and accept that you’re controlling your own destiny nothing will come of it. If you don’t believe that more food equates to a faster and more productive body, then you won’t benefit from its results. Stress and your own mind will ALWAYS WIN. The only way for you to get well is to eat more. Plain and simple. The only way to speed up your metabolism, get over yourself, your doubts and your fears is to just fucking eat, a lot, and accept it. It’s not ‘what to eat’ when to eat or how to eat. IT IS JUST FUCKING EAT FOOD. Then decide, how do you feel, what makes you feel good INSIDE, what digests well, what gives you strength, mental clarity and happiness?? THAT, is YOUR paleo. If you are truly listening to your body and eating what it wants when it wants, then that is your evolutionary milestone, what your body and genes have evolved to want and desire for the best achievable health FOR YOU.
I read the following on an anthropology website I frequent. If I learned ANYTHING in 2010, it is DO NOT read food blogs, health blogs, or paleo blogs based on weight and food. Anyways, what I found:
1. Hunter gatherers do not, as a rule, enjoy robust health. They must endure the vagaries of the natural world without recourse to the food stores we slovenly civilized folk take for granted. Rather than eating a varied diet, indigenous people have to make do with whatever handful of foodstuffs happens to be available, if any. The uncomfortable reality of hunter gatherers is that they frequently starve to death. The average life expectancy of a Paleolithic hunter was less than 30 years.
2. Our ancestors did not evolve for any particular environment, for any particular diet. Premodern humans lived in a huge variety of settings, from the arctic tundra to tropical jungle, from remote Pacific islands to high-altitude deserts. There is no such thing as a “hunter-gatherer diet.” Think you need to eat a lot of nuts and wild grasses? Tell it to an Inuit.
3. We didn’t evolve during the Pleistocene. By which I mean, we didn’t evolve just during the Pleistocene. Our 23,000 genes are the legacy of 3.7 billion years of evolution; the Pleistocene era accounts for less than 0.1 percent of that. Much of our metabolism dates back to the days when were amoebas. (We are insanely hardy buggers!) And what’s more, we continue to evolve. A gene that allows us Europeans to digest milk sprang up about 7,500 years ago in the wake of the domestication of cattle. I’m of European descent; why shouldn’t I consumer dairy? I evolved for it!
4. Nobody’s a perfect fit. Yes, we live in a different world from our ancestors. But so does every organism. Nature is a dynamic and unpredictable place, and every organism has to constantly adjust. Our environment is different because we have changed it, but we are not unique in that regard. A general evolutionary principle is that behavior precedes adaptation. An organism begins to exploit a new resource, and then changes to exploit that resource better. Thus, a duck is only going to start growing webbing between its does after it starts mucking around in the water. Perfection is a moving target.
5. For a bunch of misfits, we’re doing pretty well. Yes, we’re a nation of tubbies. But our life expectancy is high and continues to climb. A person born today can expect to live to 78 – two and a half times longer than a cave man. So where’s the dysfunction, exactly?
Cavemen have enough problems. Angry mammoths, giant cave bears, angry spirits – the last thing they need is a bunch of whiny descendents giving them posthumous grief. So let’s declare a moratorium. No more ragging on Pleistocene hunter-gatherers.

This can be countered by:

1. Two fallacies in the first paragraph. First there is no evidence that they often starved to death. No more so than you see wild animals in their natural undisturbed environment starving to death. Population stabilizes at the level for the available food. It wasn’t until farming where we could grow more food than we needed that population increased and we become dependent on a bountiful harvest. Second there is no evidence whatsoever that they only lived until 30. The math doesn’t even add up. It took until age 15-16 to become sexually mature. Then nine months to make a baby. If you were dead before age 30 you would be dead before your first child was raised. To sustain population you would need to be able to bring several kids to sexual maturity in order to compensate for the ones that died in accidents or were eaten by wild animals. What evidence does exist shows that when they died they had bones comparable to today’s 40 year olds. What this means is that by eating the paleo diet their bones didn’t degenerate like ours do now.
2. What we know is there were certain foods not eaten at all. And a universe of foods that people ate from depending on what was available where they were located. Optimal foraging theory says that we would have eaten what is most easily obtainable at that locale. This is why the paleo diet simply has “in” foods and “out” foods. We don’t know how much of each “in” foods were eaten.
3. That’s right. Until we developed tools 2.5 million years ago (allowing us to kill and eat animals) we ate insects. The high protein and nutrition that they provide would have been needed for us to have developed into such brainy creatures. The ability that Europeans evolved for digesting dairy is simply that the lactase enzyme now sticks around past infancy. So we can digest milk sugar. This doesn’t mean that dairy proteins are good for us. Each species has milk that evolved for that species. Cows are herbivores. We are omnivores.
4. Yes, but it takes far longer than 10,000 years to make small evolutionary changes. And you need to give natural selection free reign. These days we are able to treat all sorts of problems caused by our Neolithic diet which allows people incapable of handling these new foods to continue to procreate.
5. Our life expectancy is high as we spend billions on medical costs to treat problems that wouldn’t exist if we were eating the paleo diet. We could live even longer. And age without all these ailments.
6. Yes, they had a hard life. Only the lucky ones lived to a ripe old age.

So, it gives you a lot to think on…my conclusion? As always, JUST EAT THE FUCKING FOOD. Be healthy minded enough to realize you need vitamins/minerals FROM FOOD everyday, and the rest is up to you, what it is you find when you accept recovery, and learning what makes you feel best. I’m not telling you to go binge on coconut oil, or sweet potatoes, but to eat overly well of real food, eat a lot of meat and fat and let the rest fill in. You’ll learn what you like and what works. The more you think the more you fuck with your brain the more obnoxious you make eating be and the higher likelihood you have of either becoming resistant to insulin, fucking up your body responses, screwing with your weight, becoming a closet binge eater etc etc. It is all in your head and the longer you spend looking for the answer(which doesn’t exist) the harder it will be to accept and holding on longer means you lose sight of what you want and what you need.

My Video ha! Thursday, Dec 23 2010 

Original Video– More videos at TinyPic

soooo hhahah i show you my muscle, the hole in my shirt and my sexy woman walk hhahahahha

Your Questions, ANSWERED! Wednesday, Dec 22 2010 

Whitney: Did your hair ever fall out when you became malnourished? If it did fall out then has it regrown?

This is prolly the shittiest, down right upsetting and depressing part of malnutrition, starvation, anorexia etc. I use to have a flipping horse tail of thick ass hair. I had MASSIVE amounts of hair that took forever to blow dry. It was so flipping thick you could barely wrap your fingers around it and it was a workout to braid it. Then it started thinning, then it started breaking off. I lost a shitload of hair in college and even more when I moved here. One thing I do remember, when I initially started eating a shitload of food, it fell out even more, like handfuls. I got so scared because I was eating more than I ever had, and losing more hair at the same time! Anyways, it did stop. But I think you should realize its going to get worse before it gets better. Expect things to go wrong, go bad, and when you freak out about your body, calm down accept it and expect it. your hair is like some 6 months ahead of your health, and will reflect that.

In the beginning of your recovery did you wait to exercise?

I moved to Mississippi in the beginning of 2006, as a retired cheerleader who couldn’t take care of herself. At this point, my desire for a 6pack in my way-to-revealing uniform had become an obsession. Funny, my abs are 100% more defined now than they were in college when I was a crunch whore. I was hooked on the drive to run, to exercise, to absolutely run myself into the ground all day everyday, then wake up and do it again. It didn’t help I had a pool when I moved down here which just coupled the obsession. I was living off canned tuna and a bag of 100 cal popcorn. Threw in some bowls of lettuce and fruit here and there. Then, I hit rock bottom in the winter of 2006(winters and cold weather have never been a strong point for me, even now). Anyways, I was forced into help I couldn’t afford and was given an ultimatum: either I get thrown in a mental hospital treatment center for ED’s here (the program is well known, Tiger Woods went there lol) or I allow my parents to take control. I was NOT going to treatment so I let my parents have at me for about a year. First thing, I sit on my ass all day. My mom made dinner every night and I was to eat dinner every night with the family. I had a job as a hostess and was in school here at the time so I was only really home then. It worked, I went from prolly 85lbs to about 100lbs then got fed up. Anyways, after allowing my body to sit I never had a desire to pick up the cardio go go go exercise thing again. So I haven’t been on a ‘run’ or jog, or anything even relating to cardio since 2006. I doubt I ever will again mostly because I hurt my knees earlier this year. The beginning of this year, when I ended my touting on zero carb and started eating paleo, I was still doing no exercise. I was in straight casts on my knees because I am a dumbass and fell, spraining both MCL’s and tearing both meniscus’….painful fucking shit. I still am living down this pain, I didn’t get the ‘required’ surgery because I cannot afford it, and I am ‘tougher’ than that haha. Hardass, I know. So after being primal or whatever, basically just eating real food from February until about July I still did nothing. Come the end of July this year, I started with girl pushups, on my knees. That’s all I had strength for. Then I moved to pushups against the wall. Then I did fake dips where I lifted myself up because I wasn’t strong enough. Then I held myself over a chin up bar until I was strong enough to lift myself and do a real chin up. And now I am here. Beginner gains baby haha J

The short answer… I stopped exercise because I was forced unwillingly in 2006 and I never got back into it. I hate running. I hate cardio. I like pushups and chinups and pullups. But even that, has only been the past 4-5 months. About 3 weeks ago I added deadlift- ONCE A WEEK.

Jill: I never heard of these. Do these give sample meal plans to get a grasp on it all?

I still go overboard on all my food. And my body suffers. I’m constipated a lot. And very tired and sluggish. I’m starting to think I have something internal wrong with me. I overdo foods all the time, thinking I need to get the calories in…but suffer! I do like chocolate do (70 percent or greater currently). The HARDEST thing is being okay with eating like this (eating a lot, a lot…and eating chocolate) and never exercising. I sit 24-7. Maybe why I’m as stiff as a wooden doll.

You lost me on this question, I don’t understand what you are asking but I will try to answer. Sample meals? I have posted sample meals before so backtrack in my blog, I don’t eat much different now.  I just eat real food. I do eat a lot more carbohydrates than I use to. I found these cool purple potatoes at the farmers market that taste like white potatoes, its sweet! I think you’re sluggish because you destroyed your body starving it. Your tired because you over think your food. It is JUST food. You can’t obsess and expect to eat a meal then feel good, it doesn’t work that way. Matt at 180 degree health told me this recently I think it may help you :

I’d rather see you construct a diet based on what tastes the best to you, with the flexibility to eat anything and everything that appeals to you at the moment you are inclined to eat it – without attaching some kind of analysis to it.  I have been doing this lately personally, which has really helped me out.  There is no perfect way to construct a diet in your mind. It’s your body and its changing needs that must be catered to.  A little consistency sure, but not too rigorous.

What I do know is that a lot of minor issues resurface as you start to eat more and put on some body mass.  Perhaps it’s due to digestive weakness at the start.  Perhaps it’s due to blood sugar dysregulation of an impaired metabolism.  Perhaps it’s a combination of dozens of factors.

But I think what I’ve been most successful at helping people with is pressing through some of that stuff, increasing their food tolerances, their freedoms, and more as some of the minor stuff fades away over time.

Recovery will be met with lots of these little speed bumps (yeah, that’s what we’ll call those things!).  Whatever you can do to not get tripped up on them, do it.  Expect them.  See them as a sign that you are moving in the right direction. Try not to make too many assessments or Sherlock Holmes the crap out of everything that you experience.  Once your body weight is back to a level your body runs better at, you can tweak the minor details.

I’d also encourage you to give ONE strategy a shot for a prolonged period of time without tweaking the details or moving on to the next hot thing 2 weeks later.  A long-term vision is required to make permanent changes.  Think in 3-month blocks, not 3 day blocks, which is easier said than done!

The thing is, there is NO ONE answer to ‘what is wrong’ with your body at any given time, or just by a given feeling. The thing you NEED to focus on is finding out and discovering what YOU like, what makes YOU feel good, what works for YOU. Nobody else in this entire world is you and nobody else will react to recovery like you, or me, or some other blogger. Experiment on yourself, try different foods. Find food you LIKE, and eat them. Your body will thank you. Do not eat food X because I eat it, or because it is deemed ‘healthy.’ Eat a flipping pancakes and sausage breakfast because YOU LIKE IT. Not exercising is what it is. You both accept it and get on with life, or you freak about it which will cause a host of problems in itself. I just had to tell myself to chill the fuck out, sit the fuck back, rest and eat. Obviously, it paid off because I am stronger now than I ever have been and my bones/joints are finally not feeling like they belong to my dead grandma.

Molly: How many times a week do you “exercise” and apart from formal exercise, do you stay active/sedentary?

I ‘workout’ twice a week. It consists of EXACTLY this: pushups, chinups, assisted pullups(I use my feet to help because I cannot do them on my own yet), and upside down pushups(take the bar and swing under it and pull yourself up to it, like a pushup but upside down). So one day (usually Wednesdays) I do pushups, chinups, pullups and the reverse pushups.

The second workout is deadlift. I just started this about 3 weeks ago. Saturday morning, after coffee, I go to this shitty gym, pay $3 dollars and do 3 sets of deadlift. So, $1 a set haha. Last week I upped 185lbs. I did the first set at 8, the last 2 at 5. So one set of eight, 2 sets of 5. That’s it on this day. I ONLY deadlift, then leave the gym.

So total, I do about 45 minutes, rests included, of anything formal a week. Unless your desire is GAINING strength, I do not see lifting as anything necessary. I like it because it is mentally calming for me. I have an aggressive mind, I get really really mad sometimes about nothing and I cant control it. Lifting allows me to release this, and I handle life much better.

I think cardio is ridiculously stupid, pointless and counter productive to anyone who wishes to have a balanced normal body. Don’t do it. There’s a difference between taking a walk to the store or park, and waking up to jog.

Other than that, I have a desk job 8-10 hours a day as an accountant. When I get off I go home and eat dinner and lay around watching sports on TV or FOX news and text people lol. Every night pretty much. Weekends I watch football and drink alcohol, because I like it.

Bridget: Here’s a question: Would you every do a video/vlog post? Like one of you doing your workout or something?

I have no idea how to do that unless I have a video camera?? And no, I don’t. Maybe some guys at work do, ill ask around but I am not too adamant on showing you my pushups lol. Youtube is full of chicks doing that. I do think it would be cool to turn the thing on and talk though haha. I might be able to do that from my laptop.

Katy: What’s your favorite thing to eat?

You know, I get asked this a lot (no where near as much as the workout thing though…). I think every time I make a new food or try something different, I have a new favorite thing to eat. I like to make meatballs and season them different themes like Italian, curry, sage/thyme, spicy just try different things. It helps me figure out what I think ‘goes well’ together. Like Italian meatballs, I like with tomatoes roasted with garlic and butter, and mozzarella. Curry I like to use meat and a sauce with coconut butter. Spicy, I stuff pepper with ground sausage and add a kick of ginger or cinnamon to bring out the spiciness of them. I try new vegetables when I see ones I haven’t tried.

My go-to food I think I will always love: beef, sweet potatoes, full fat yogurt, fruit with cream or coconut milk, cheese all kinds of cheese, coconut products, eggs. And I love every single vegetable expect green onions…maybe a few others lol.

Katy: You just got 6-pack abs from eating primal?!?!

Yes, I promise. And never ever in my life have my abs been this defined. When I ran 23049650134 miles a week, ‘watched’ my food and ate healthy, and starved myself and did exercise A B and C for ‘abs’ I NEVER HAD ABS. When I was forced to sit still and eat, low and behold there they are! I think they needed nutrition and rest and massive amounts of food. I do know that anything focusing on your abs will NOT grow muscles there. Movements that force your lower back to be stable and your body centered are what grows abs. Planks are a good start.

Rebekah: First of all, I LOVE your writing. You are an inspiration. Please, please, please keep posting. I have been reading through all of your previous posts, and I am in awe of you! You exude strength, courage, wisdom, knowledge, humor, and compassion. I know I will never be able to understand your struggle, but I do know that I’m amazed by you!

I’d love to know more about malnutrition. What books did you read? Can you provide any of the titles?

Thank you. I hope that what other people get from my blog is to find what works for them and accept that only they can determine that. You gain strength and confidence and wisdom by doing this J.

I started with a textbook called disease and malnutrition of the human body (or something). You can prolly find it on Amazon. I bought it off a guy who used it for college here. Then I bought metabolism and endocrinology off Amazon, another textbook. Then I started reading PubMed and Paleolithic stuff. I am not as big a fan of Paleo, Sally Fallon, and all the hype as I once was. What makes one person feel good and happy is not what makes another person feel good and happy. It all boils down to stress and how your body reacts to your mind. Your attitude toward food and your body will determine how you look. Accept real food, and accept what works for you and what you like. Just because I don’t eat quinoa doesn’t mean you won’t love the stuff!

Rebekah: I’ve struggled for years with depression and binge eating. This year, I made the connection that sugar = sadness. So I cut it out of my diet. Then I figured out that wheat wasn’t doing much for me, either. It’s been a slow march from SAD eating to Sally Fallon-esque eating (heavy on meats, fats, and fermented food … not so much of anything else). But now I’m craving real knowledge on nutrition, to back up my body’s innate wisdom.

Obviously I hate on wheat and refined anything. It has no place in the human body. But not expanding your variety will cause you more mental turmoil and social hardship than I think is necessary. You live to eat when you do this instead of eat to live. Don’t focus so much on what you can or can’t eat and focus on real food. No one can bash you because you don’t eat ‘fake’ shit like chips and cake.

Have you read Emily’s Evolutionary Psychiatry website? I think you would learn a lot from her posts. Some are too technical for me but there is usually some sort of recap in them. she is a very smart lady! Also, check out the Perfect Health Diet website.

Rebekah: My family members keeping asking why I eat fat, and bones, and marrow. It would be helpful to explain to them scientifically why I eat in this manner (as opposed to giving them my usual response of “I just feel better.”) So any book recommendations you have would be greatly appreciated!

Um, if I only ate meat, bones and marrow I would have some ‘splainin to do as well. I was zero carb for a year before I was forced to change. I think you’re over thinking food here. You expect certain food to make you binge, you expect to be stressed about food X Y and Z and you expect that meat and fat are the only things that work….because you read it somewhere. Someone placed the belief in your head that this is true. You really truly believe this. This started because it WORKED FOR ONE PERSON but you are not that person. I did one time too believe this. But you need to DROP ALL the attitude, preobsession, post-thoughts you have about food and look at it for what it is. Just food. Just nourishment. You’ll find maybe you actually react a lot differently than you force yourself to react. I swore up and down I was insulin resistant for the longest time, years. But I am not. I handle carbs just fine. I do think saturated fats, and natural fats have a real place in the human diet and many people are lacking so much of the quality it provides but I doubt your years in from living off fried food and vegetable oil or packaged food and junk.  I do agree refined sugar=problems just as much as refined oil=problems.

Book recommendation. Actually I recommend you do not read ANY BOOKS AT ALL or surf the blog or internet 24/7 at all. Just stop it all. Accept you will go on a journey to find what works for you! Obviously, you know good food. Make a base off marrow bones and fatty meat, but work up from there. Add foods you like to this. You don’t need justification for what you eat or why you eat if you aren’t obsessing and aren’t stressed all the time. No one would question your food choices if you didn’t make it a big deal. I am not into ‘convincing’ my family I can eat _____ but not _______. I don’t care anymore. Really, I accept I eat what works for me and I am still figuring this out, so fuck the rest. It’s not their problem, it is mine. If I need help, I’ll ask. But always allow them to offer advice, and help because they only want you happy. They really truly do NOT understand you or how your mind works. You need to accept that. Or try to explain it to them. Tell them how your thought process works when you eat fatty meat. Then put a donut in front of you and tell them about your anxiety and fear of binging. Tell them EXACTLY what is going on in your head. They will get it then, and they will want to HELP you and even cook you big chuck roasts!

Rebekah: And finally … how did you learn how to do unassisted chin-ups?! I love push-ups, but chin-ups seem beyond me. Any advice would be great!

I sort of explained this up top somewhere but ill try again. Find a bar you can hold yourself over and do that, 3 times holding yourself there until you fall. Do it once a week until you’re strong enough to lower yourself to 90 degrees with your arms and again, hold yourself there as long as you can, 3 times. Then start doing jumping chinups. Jump from the ground only enough that you are struggling to get yourself over the bar. Do that 3 times. By the way, none of this will help to gain strength if you aren’t eating in a caloric surplus.  You can just magically get stronger if you don’t change how you eat.

Tori: I’ve heard about the carb hypothesis. I don’t know. What’s your take? I thought you’ve mentioned you stay away from bread, but am I mistaken?

People eat bread all the time in the Bible! Jesus can’t be wrong!  Haha!

I am a roman catholic, this is a confusing question. But I think you are taking it into a literal sense. Jesus even says he is the ‘bread of life’. Now, that is a symbolic meaning, and I think you know that. It is not saying Jesus is literally bread, but that he symbolizes a wealth of nourishment. Jesus does state ‘thy shall eat from the fat of the land’ I don’t think he means there is fat in the soil, but that it symbolizes they will find and eat meat. Also, I read this from Kevin Brown who wrote

The Liberation Diet: I have written an article called “The Spiritual Side of Healthy Eating” in which I try to incorporate God’s input on diet. Of course, as we believe God is the Creator, there is no Paleo diet, as we became meat eaters after our fall into sin in the garden of Eden. We were designed to eat plants initially, bread after the fall into sin, and animals after the flood of Noah’s day. We are not currently able to do well on a high-grains or high fruit diet. God gives us a perfect illustration of a healthy meal in Genesis 18 where He records the foods that He eats, and we know that God does all things perfectly. Any record of a meal that God eats personally includes fat and protein.

Laura: you’ve mentioned before that you eat between 2000-3000 calories a day eating off primal food. Ive always been taught that total calories count, and if you exceed what your body needs then you will gain weight. Ive been contemplating to switch over to full on primal eating but am afraid with all the calories to keep my satisfied, I’ll just gain weight. Are you eating this amount of food to gain for the time being?

Are you asking my to set you a calorie goal….oh shit, I feel a coonass rant coming on. First of all I am confused by the question? Are you on a restrictive diet now? If so, why the fuck are you restricting your food intake? Weight gain and weight loss have nothing to do with calories. Some days I eat well over 3000 ‘calories’ in the sense that the USDA calculates them. So what does that mean? Nothing. Should I be a fatty pants for eating a lot sometimes? Its food, not a number. You have been taught wrong, sorry. Eat for health and nutrition, not weight and numbers. I can’t advise you there. Why are you afraid of gaining weight? If you’re scared of gaining, you’re scared of eating and thus you’re scared of food….back to step one where you ACCEPT RECOVERY. RECOVERY HAS NO CALORIE ALLOTMENT OR NUMBERS. Recipe for weight gain and stress right there when you inquire about calories, regardless of what you eat. Keep satisfied?? This sounds like you’re trying to LOSE weight. Eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. Your body will work out the rest. I don’t eat any portioned ‘amounts’ of food, I JUST EAT REAL FOOD…when I am hungry….and I stop when I am full. Whatever plan you pick, be it vegan, carnivore, Mediterranean, paleo WHATEVER….just pick something and stick to it. BE DONE WITH THE DECISION MAKING. EAT FOOD YOU LIKE. Do not go searching for the ‘next big thing’ (again, thanks to Matt for that one…I get it now).

I guaran-damn-tee you found my blog and now want to be ‘full on primal’ because you saw how MY BODY took to it. Your body isn’t my body. Your body might not need as much food as mine; it might need much more, who the hell knows?!? You won’t know until you learn to listen to yourself, your likes, and find what works for your body. What if you like beans? Beans aren’t paleo. What if you like hummus, hummus aint paleo. God forbid you like peanut butter…it’s a legume. If you force primal eating thinking you’ll get a six pack, you are SADLY mistaken. My point is what works for me isn’t guaranteed to work for someone else (not to all out bitch at you). I can tell you what works for me, but it won’t work for you because you are not me.

And the last question, my weight fluctuates between none of your damn business and no I am not disclosing you with it. Not being a bitch, but it is disordered of you to wonder about food, weight and fear it. FIX IT AND ACCEPT RECOVERY. I have come one hell of a long way in the past 9-10 months but it is a CRACK, a small minute almost nonexistent step in the rest of my life. Yes, I have come far physically, but I have one hell of a long way to still go. I can’t even begin to describe that just eating food again and putting on weight is not recovery. My recovery is no where near ‘over’ and I don’t want people to get the idea that once you get to a normal BMI life is peachy. Life is one shit-ton better, but it is still life. There are things going on in my body that are weird, wrong, unhealthy and are finally surfacing now that my body is up and running again. That sucks. Nothing like feeling like shit when you’ve worked so hard, but as is life, it will pass. It still sucks sometimes: like my car broke down this week and I had to fix it and now have no money for Christmas presents. I got pissed. Like really really really obnoxiously mad, kicked the shit out of my car etc. I REALLY REALLY wanted to lose weight when this happened, for absolutely no fucking reason at all. Just because, it was so ridiculous and I was so mad. But guess what, that’s life. I paid to tow and repair my car and I ate plenty of food…as much as I may have hated it all.

Here’s a few tips for anyone who is interested in what I would tell someone to eat:

What do you like? What makes you feel good? EAT THAT. I don’t care what the hell it is, if you like it, it makes you feel good, then why would you NOT eat it??? Why does it matter what I eat and like, you’re not me and we WILL NOT like that same things. This is why I don’t run a recovery based food blog. No one should eat like ANY retarded blogger you see sharing their every meal with you- ESPECIALLY ONE IN RECOVERY FROM AN EATING DISORDER. Just because blogger ‘A’ likes to start the day with a green chia/flax protein smoothie sure as hell does not mean I will. I don’t care what the fuck you ‘think’ is healthy about it, it could provide every single vitamin, mineral and amino acid and I wouldn’t touch it, holy ew. You could be the most admirable person with a body I think is fantastic, and just because you like oatmeal and beans and egg whites will not convince me to change and I will never want to or try to mock you. I think this sets me apart…everyone is looking for ‘what to eat’ and ‘the answer’….EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, LISTEN TO YOUR MIND AND BODY.

What is food to you? EAT THAT, even if it is a powder in a bottle. If you really truly believe that a tofurki-fuck-what-its-called tofu nugget will make you happy and healthy, THEN BY ALL MEANS EAT IT.

Some choices are better than others. Nobody should eat refined food or products at all, but is that possible when one wants to live life more than live vicariously through some sick food opinions or health obsessions? Almond butter is a ‘refined product’ because it is not raw almonds straight from the shell, it is grinded almonds. Does that mean I shouldn’t eat it if it is served at my friend’s house…? FUCK NO, I am eating. Just because poultry is not something I like to eat ever but I am out to dinner on a date, and they’re serving turkey or chicken, does that mean I can’t eat because of the mass PUFA in poultry?? FUCK NO, I am eating.

I am still eating cheese even if it isn’t raw because I am a dairy whore, but you’re damn set in your ways I WILL NOT touch a low-fat product, at all, in any form. I won’t touch wheat and grains. I draw a line, I eat real food, there are margins of area where I just won’t touch it but not because I think oh my God it will destroy my body. It is a simple passing thought of ‘that’s not food.’ There aren’t nonfood products that ‘tempt’ me like some people experience. You can put me in the office break room full of krispy kremes, cookies and cinnamon rolls…and it doesn’t phase me, at all. No stress, no I wish I could have that. It’s like a toy, not food and I think the way people act around that junk, especially during the holidays is just downright sick.

Odds & Ends… Friday, Dec 17 2010 


*Gary Taubes has a blog, I find it funny….he believes the ‘carb hypothesis’….guey and then admits he knows nothing about omega 6, fructose and industrial vegetable oil…as in, he doesn’t think theres anything in herently wrong with eating that junk.

*Don’t believe anything you read on a blog(except maybe mine but I don’t claim to ‘know’ anything I just tell you what works), seriously, especially a health blog.

* I have an experiment brewing in my head I want to try… if I decide on it I will let y’all know. In a nutshell, its meat and taters…

* We usually get a turkey at work for Christmas. All the employees get one to take home for Christmas dinner….yeah, didn’t happen this year. Now I need to buy my mom a turkey, damnit.

* I asked for a pressure cooker for christmas, and a Saints hoodie. I am way overly excited for a pressure cooker.

* I made my first REAL reduction gravy sauce this week….time consuming, but frikin amazing. I used Richards recipe at Free the Animal but added more butter, less wine and a packet of gelatin (because I have it and I convince myself it makes my knees hurt less- placebo, prolly)

* I can do over 20 guy pushups in one set, and ALMOST 7 chin ups in one set, and a bunch of dips but I didn’t count them 🙂

* I do no ab exercises whatsoever, at all, ever…and I have a 6 pack. Obviously singling out on muscle group doesn’t work, stop doing crunches you fool

* I actually get sad when I see people living of shitty food and food that is just….not food. like, it makes no sense to me I don’t get it. My sadness turns to rage and anger when someone like this tries to school me on oatmeal and wheaties health, along with soy milk. If people only understood…

* I work on Christmas Eve, so I am not sure how I will make it to Christmas Eve Mass…hmmm

* My older brother got his dream job. He leaves/moves in about 40 days, to VIRGINIA. I am proud and happy for him but very, very sad. I don’t ‘have anyone’ down here but my family. I don’t want him to move. We have been separated WAY too much in the past…10 years… he was deployed for like 6 I am JUST now learning about the person he turned into while he was at war. Obviously. this job is a big deal but poop, it sucks.

Open Questions….

If anyoen has questions for me about anything, post them in the comment, random, recovery related, I dont care…and I will post them in my next blog post 🙂

What did YOU ASK FOR for Christmas?

What ISSS my level? Friday, Dec 10 2010 

I should make this a freaking Christmas card for my family…holy progress




















Enough said, I’m done, have a good weekend….GET ON MY LEVEL



Taters and Life Monday, Dec 6 2010 

I wanted to add for those readers who have suffered bulimia and binging/purging history this guy who has cured his with Leangains style eating may help you. I am intrigued at his accomplishment and his ability to stay controlled in a sensible and care-free way. I am sure he would be able to assist those who have suffered bulimia. It is worth the read


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This is gonna be a rannnndom blog post, all over the place prolly. I need to vent and rant about because, in light of the holiday season, I am a LITTLE pissed off. So… here go a few things that piss off Mal:

1. People seem to think there is a cure-all substance, be it a vitamin, like the touted omega 3 or vitamin D, or a secret weight loss amino acid. This, beyond all conceivable understanding is suuuuch utter bullshit I can’t even begin to understand how people by into all the hype over nothing. PILLS…THERE IS NO magic pill or substance that will magically make people happy and thin. Thin first of all is bleh, lean is admirable. first of all, if you Google ANY vitamin you will be convinced of how absolutely necessary it is and how optimal your body will be with efficient amounts of vitamin “z.” well no shit beavus, vitamins are vitamins for a reason and deficiencies of them lead to a host of problems. But do you need 293456012345613845 IU’s of vitamin D everyday….or 10grams of omega 3’s!!?? Nobody, NOBODY knows the effects of this mass supplementing that goes on in the long run. What is vitamin D ultimately causes obesity or corleatic cancer…then you’re screwed. What is trying to balance out your omega 3:6 ratio by taking 6 grams of omega 3 because you got 6 grams of omega 6 leads to a fucking heart attack and aertial plaque?!?! Nobody knows, but an excess OF ANYTHING IS NOT A GOOD THING. Drives me wild to see people hound on supplements when a good diet will provide you with everything you need. EAT SOME FUCKING LIVER and a can of sardines….you’ll be fine. GET ON WITH LIFE.

2. I hate guys. I am sick of getting screwed over. Last guy I mentioned on the blog… yeah, he turned out to be a shithead. Well, last week while I was doing errands for my boss, a guy gave me his number and told me to call him so we could hang out. Okay, cool. I gave it the ‘week wait’ and then we hung out a couple times and texted on the phone at night la-de-fucking-da. It was great…then he told me he had a girlfriend. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING GIVING YOUR NUMBER OUT AND HANGING OUT WITH A CHICK WHEN YOU HAVE A MOTHER FLIPPING GIRLFRIEND!!?!?!>?! What do you call that, nice? I call you a douche bag. Few, VERY VERY few things cause the coonass in me to come out. Like, you gotta get me really worked up and lividly pissed off before you will see me blow up publicly or vocally. Well, this did it. It could be coupled with the fact that I am sick to my stomach of smelling sugar and chocolate in the break room at work. It is like entering the coffin of diabetes, I swear you’ll get a diabetic coma just by walking in there. It is sick. And this boy is screwed up. Thanks, but ill keep my pride and you can keep your not-so-bright girlfriend. I hope she screws you over.

3. Why do people make such strong assumptions about other people? This is particularly annoying when you do not know someone. Take for example, an individual who is naturally skinny. There are just those skinny fucks in society. People who eat shitloads and they have no muscle mass and they’re boney and skinny. Nothing is less attractive to me than a male being a skinny dude. Sweet as he may be, I think that shows a lack of masculinity, and reminds me of a pussy-wussy boy who kicks around a soccer ball instead of putting on pads and playing a real sport like football. I know, I just assumed skinny dudes are pussies, but whatever. The point of this rant is to voice my annoyance when people judge about eating disorders based on appearance. Nothing is further from reality here except maybe what your ED head may be telling you. There are fat anorexics and there are skinny bulimics. There are binge eaters who never become overweight. THEY ALL STILL SUFFER NONE THE LESS. I have no personal problem passing by some chick at Wal-Mart who smokes crack everyday and has purple bags under her eyes and judging(bad I know) by her wrinkly skin is about 40 years older looking than she is. However, it seems other people (with active eating disorders) will walk by a skinny chick and flipping starve for a day. Take a moment… then tell me what the fuck that proves. WHY DO YOU FREAKING CARE!?!?!?! Its selfish…it’s self centered. Separate yourself from your disordered mind, and again, get on with life.

4. I eat reallly really randomly sometimes. I don’t know why this pisses me off because at the time it seemed to make sense but I usually try and eyeball something to the extent of ‘make sure you eat meat and veggies, add fat’. all problems are solved with this logic, but then there’s days when this happens…eat 3 huge-mungo sweet potatoes with obnoxious coconut butter on top, a whole rutabaga, a can of tomatoes with clams and shrimp, a whole tub of yogurt with carob and fruit, chicken (probly half a chicken) with homemade honey mustard, unidentified raw veggies with lots dip… hahahah I guess I was hungry for some carbs that day. But I get pissed off because I go through like a flippin case of water from 7pm-7am the next morning. Like obnoxiously thirsty coupled with obnoxious peeing. Whatever, lol. Its funny now and I wasn’t even thinking at the time which is a good thing it just usually doesn’t happen like that. When I get hungry I usually want fat…nom nom buttery eggs and cheeseburgers… this time I wanted sweet potatoes and copious yogurt/chocolate/fruit…lots of it haha.

5. Branching off rant number one, no diet or way of eating is ever going to work the same for person A as it is for person B. you know why, they are not the same person. They don’t have the same hormones, the same skin complex, the same brain wiring, the same personality, the same bone structure the same ANYTHING EVEN IF YOU’RE AN IDENTICAL TWIN. If some people eat low carb and tout to all hell about its greatness it is because IT WORKS FOR THEM. If someone proclaims you will never be happy until you eat 6 times a day it is because it works for them. If anonymous blogger thinks that the secret amino acid to life enhancement and weight loss if L-tryptophan it is because it worked for him. You will never know what works for you until you allow yourself to find out. Following other peoples path doesn’t work. accepting recovery means discovering what the hell it is you like to eat, when you like to eat, how much it takes to fill you up, what you crave, everything. IT WONT BE THE SAME FOR YOU AS IT IS FOR ME. And when you find out what works for you, I hope your scream about it from the bottom of your stomach because YOU FOUND HAPPINESS AND HEALTH. That is all anyone really wants. people go around trying to figure out how to control others and mock people their whole lives because it makes them feel powerful when really the most power you will ever have is learning to control yourself and your own mind(in a healthy way).

On a good note… I find humor in a lot now. Like rereading this post..haha first of all it doesn’t matter one fuckload what I eat day to day…I will eventually meet a guy and it will work out and in the mean time I am happy that I don’t get stuck with a sucker guy like the one who screwed me over. Third, ill stay happy and healthy living as supplement free as humanly possible and not depicting every minute nutrient that enters my body. If health was about singling out nutrients then we’d all be ever lasting and it weight gain was all about carbohydrates we’d all be skinny.

I think, no I KNOW in the grand scheme of things, the health problems our country faces will boil down to some misfiring complexity that has NOTHING to do in the least bit with a calories, an excess of calories, a fat gram or its excess, a carbohydrate or its excess or protein and its excess. NOTHING AT ALL. If it was that simple we’d all be flipping fatasses or we’d all be THOUGHT free maintenance natural weighted people. If carbs caused fat gain then my well over 400 carbohydrate day the other day would have put weight on me because my insulin levels probably skyrocketed that day. But guess what…here I am, same weight. If fat caused heart disease, or obesity, or high cholesterol then you can GUARANTEE I WOULD ALREADY BE DEAD. So no, the hopers can keep hoping they know everything and people like me, will get on with life and eat real food. Don’t worry about all the bullshit, life is not worth that.

Last, I did my Christmas shopping yesterday. I had never been inside a Bed Bath and Beyond… I walked in the store at 2pm…and walked out at 530pm. haha I seriously convinced myself I needed and could put to use every freaking cool utensil and gadget in the store. love it. walked out with a popcorn popper for my dad, and a julienne/mandolin for my mama. nothing for me, but I know where to ask for a gift certificate to now!

oh and ps, accept recovery, eat real food…. cuz its pretty damn sweet to eat craploads when you’re hungry and feel satisfied, and its pretty fucking cool to not tool out over everything and starve yourself over it. it’s amazing to laugh and joke and talk all day long, to hum and sing Christmas songs(even though I suck at singing as I have been told recently lol). its mind boggling to not think about food, to just eat. you cant have this if you don’t just allow yourself the freedom to let go, separate your disorder from yourself, accept recovery, and fucking eat real food. there’s no science to it, at all. just eat, drink and be merry!

Post Holiday Binge Monday, Nov 29 2010 

A BINGE ON HAPPINESS MIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a sick sort of twisted way I got a kick out of the first passing holiday this year. One year ago, come thanksgiving I was flipping out about having to eat turkey injected with sodium phosphate (which in the grand scheme of things is not a big deal) and refused to even eat the thanksgiving turkey my mom slaved over all morning. There was no real rhyme or reason to this, I just freaked out about food anyone made- it wasn’t pure or comfortable or something. IT WASN’T THE SAME AS I WAS USE TO EVERY SINGLE DAY IN AND DAY OUT OF MY RUDUNDANT POINTLESS EXISTENCE at the time.

LAST year, I brought my own free range chicken and cooked it in a toaster oven and served myself a roast chicken while avoiding 100% of everything my mama made. Holy shit, I am so ashamed of what I did. It was around this time last year, post thanksgiving, that my older brother and parents saw me start going downhill again. Everything became repetitive, and when you eat zero carb which I did at the time (meat only) and you become repetitive…well there’s a problem. I was eating the same thing same amount everyday. Eventually it led to weight loss (which nutritional deficiencies do) and relapse at the beginning of this year. Obviously, February of this year I got on the primal bandwagon and would venture a bet that I have tried every single vegetable, fruit, nut and meat available to me.

Then there was this year. I was more worried about what to bring than ever. The possibilities were endless! I could make pumpkin pie, chocolate strawberries, coconut balls….I was excited, about making food. This was a first. I ended up choosing to season and bake apples and made a coconut whipped cream for on top. YUM.  It T’WAS delicious. I also took part in every primal offering at thanksgiving, INCLUDING smashed white taters! No biggie, really. I was hungry. I made sure I would be hungry for feasting at thanksgiving because that’s what normal people do! Then when I was done I was full, but not obnoxiously I need to take a nap full, just stuffed. The onlookers (my family) seemed more amazed at my ability to talk, be normal and calm than myself. IT WAS JUST FOOD. But looking back on this year, I think it was the first time since I moved out of my house, gained weight, and have sat down to a family dinner with both parents and both brothers. The look on their faces when I scooped up the smashed taters (which I had smashed hah) was priceless. I was confident. I more than deserved the looks from my family as I have put them through endless shit the past years- its just one of those things you need to accept and take in stride. And I am guessing they were simply speechless and astounded by my recovery and ‘saneness’.

So yes, this year, for the first time in some 7 years past, I got a fluttery stick up my ass of comic relief from thanksgiving. The turkey(and leftover like 15lbs I have recently devoured) was amazing. I even went out with some people from work turkey deep frying and got a whole one to myself. I thought about the peanut oil it was fried in, but it surely did not stop me from eating this amazing beast of a bird- primal or not. My smashed taters were good I suppose-I think they are tasteless but whatever. The green beans had cooked all day in ham hock and were from my mama’s garden. The sauerkraut…well I love it and you can’t really mess it up ha-ha. Overall wonderful. I am thankful for my family being together for a meal, all of us, for the first time in like 5 years due to my brothers being overseas with deployment. It was great. One big happy healthy family. That’s like the only thing I pray for in life.




This shows a lot. About my progress, my well being, and the loss of the selfishness an eating disorder places on every sufferer. You have to accept recovery. You have to live your life WITHOUT your eating disorder. It cannot tag along with you just because you function in your day to day life. You are still suffering, still obsessing and still stuck if this is you. ACCEPT trashing what it is that is holding you back and begin, or keep pushing toward your path in recovery. The holidays are FUN, they’re exciting, unpredictable. They are much like everyday life SHOULD be. Full of love and laughter.


NOW, another side topic rantability by yours truly. I CANNOT GIVE YOU ADVICE ON HOW MUCH FOOD TO EAT, HOW MANY CALORIES TO CONSUME, WHAT KIND OF FOOD TO EAT or WHEN TO EAT IT. My recovery is NOT your recovery. You will never get macro consumption advice, exercise advising or ANYTHING LIKE IT. I have portrayed in my blog through my writing what has worked for me. It isn’t about food and it never will be. It is about separating yourself and your fake ED identity and accepting life without it. You find your own recovery by doing this. You cannot live vicariously through me. First of all that’s sick, and second you aren’t me and you never will be. I didn’t follow anyone when I began recovery. I picked one simple unarguable concept to eat real food. I did that. I became healthy. I sat ON MY ASS. When I started eating real food in copious amounts I WAS IN KNEE IMMOBILIZERS, unable to even take a shit or shower on my own. I did NOT MOVE for close to 3 months. Yes, giving up exercise is possible. I did it for years. It is part of recovery, the sitting on your ass and getting pissed you have to eat. Crying about being still. Frustrated you’re just sitting in the moment while your brain is moving a  million miles an hour. But until you experience this and accept this it will not go away. Your fear of giving up what you hold onto so strongly won’t just go away. You cannot recovery from anorexia just by eating more BUT STAYING EXACTLY THE SAME in every motion of your life.

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Don’t forget…Accept Monday, Nov 15 2010 

Anxieties, stress, fear. All parts of recovery. All real feeling of recovery. All ACCEPTED terms of recovery. There is no reason you can not heal yourself beginning with acceptance. It saves you time and suffering. Why do you go through all this trouble, all the questioning, all the obsessive reassurance? No one can tell you how your recovery will look or feel, you accept the feelings of recovery when you accept letting go, and getting well. The reason so many people question and never accept is because they fear of making that mental shift. That mental shift, that acceptance takes you to a new level, an unknown level and when you experience this acceptance, your empty…lost. Many continue in their suffering ‘searching’ for the answer to all their questions when really the answer is already with you. Accept yourself and recovery.

No one person’s recovery can be mocked or imitated. This is a very strong point. My recovery won’t, can’t be, and never will be your recovery. I am not you. You are not me. What comes with your recovery is the byproduct of how much effort you put into accepting yourself, and taking changes as they come. This means not controlling them.

You are unique because you were born with skills that shape you. This is why everyone is different. Every person experiences a different set of events in life. How they deal with them shapes them. Using your own uniqueness and experiences from your upbringing, childhood and adolescents will allow you to do certain things better than any other person alive. It is unique to YOU. This means you cannot hold onto useless thoughts and believe everything you read. Many actions that you think served you in the past need to be erased, released and the path needs to be laid, accepting what the future holds. Your eating disorder is like an old friend that is very hard to part from, but you need to let go. It is simply comfortable to stay with the old and avoid changes. This is not recovery. When you accept recovery, you will accept the goodbye of your eating disorder.

If you fail to do this, you fail yourself and you fail your potential. There is no progress in the mind of a ‘functioning anorexic or binge eater. ’ it just leads to suffering and no progress you don’t allow your mind to reach out and accept help. Whether the help comes from the REAL you or an outpatient program, until you let it happen, you will remain suffering. Although you tried many new things, they were not fully accepted. If they had been, you would not need to read a recovery blog and be searching for hope, and help.

Acceptance starts with absolutely 100% giving up to your eating disorder because you refuse to fight it anymore. It will hold no power or grounds in your life. You won’t keep making the same mistake twice, repeating the same habits day in and day out. You will reach a point and see that you cannot take your eating disorder any further in life; there is NO place for it. You’re lost and hopeless but the shift that needs to take place is RIGHT HERE in front of you. Accept you’re changing. Accept you will change as you progress through life, and accept what those changes may be. You can’t stay stuck in life the ever moving moment. Life keeps moving regardless of how long it takes you to live in an unreal reality. No one is pausing the earth’s movement because you won’t accept recovery. Life will keep moving, the years will keep passing and until you accept recovery your life will keep passing you by.

Accept. Let the walls falls. Let go of fake beliefs, thoughts and patterns. You need to realize that you have NOTHING TO LOSE. Not one thing. Let it all go.

Every single aspect of life and living literally begins with a thought. Something is created with every thought a person has. Filling a void of feelings with bad thoughts as so many eating disordered individuals are guilty of creates nothing but chaos. Each of your thoughts should create actions that will slowly lead you to seeing the light and understanding you will one day make it to the end of the tunnel.

Accepting needs to be part of every recovery. There is no singling out. You are a unique individual but your eating disorder is not so. You are not different in how you need to tackle recovery. What you keep in your mind and what you are holding back, you are creating. Acceptance creates a balanced and fulfilled life. Acceptance means shifting from where you are now, what you’re doing and understanding that it just doesn’t matter anymore. There is more to life than food and more than controlling a wickedly retarded eating disorder. Focus on what you want- recovery. Focus on doing what will get you where you want to be, and create a healthy mind.

A mind filled with hate creates a body that is hated. Weight gain, weight loss, a healthy body- it ALL is in your head and how you shape your thoughts. Even if you eat the purest healthiest diet known to mankind, take all the right supplements… you are accomplishing nothing if you do not possess a healthy mind.

An accepted mind encompasses a lot: nothing can or will distract you, everything you do is selfishly don’t for your own mental well-being(so get over it), focus is on what you are doing in the moment, how your creating health and happiness, loving what you are doing, finding pride in your accomplishments. Bring all your feelings into recovery.

If you don’t accept recovery you mind is lost. It is all over the place, jumping thoughts, preparing for something that never comes, setting up for the ‘perfect day’ to change, not focusing on feelings that are shoved away for another day. It is all up to you to change that. Lose focus and you will not be very successful.

People, in my experience with individuals with eating disorders, tend to be so self protective it is an obvious loss of reality. They are demeaning and degrading. They are selfish. Ask a sufferer to describe him/herself and you will hear they are stressed, failed and just unhappy/depressed. What you think you become, never forget that. If you think you have failed, you will. If you think you’ll never recover, you won’t.

Anxiety is the byproduct of stress, an affective response to it. stimulus=response. A normal body SHOULD produce a self flowing, self controlled, self harmonious environment. there are a few people in society today who still have this capability, but if you look around they are very few and far between. for example, you probably know ‘that person’ who seems to eat and just ‘be done’ when they are full. All the workings in his or her body are in harmony. There is no stress or care over food, over conversation, over spur of the moment ideas or plans. There is no wonder on the next meal or preplanning and future tripping, Then there is everyone else, eating disordered or not. certain stimuli arouse our stress system and we respond with anxiety. We can’t just focus on the here and now and we can’t just eat food. our bodies do not work in harmony, more specifically our brains. there is a gap between our brain function and our body function. When we stress, there’s an asorbic acid drop in our adrenals, our cortisol rises, our adrenal medulla increase adrenaline secretion which acts on the pituitary and you have a big mess of negative feedback- or something like that. Over or under production of these hormones will lead to problems. So the adrenal could be a central response area to stress, or it could not. I don’t know, most doctors don’t know, few endocrinologists coherently understand everything.

How adaptive is stress? This is a question that boggles my mind. When we stress, receive a feedback mechanism and ‘expect’ it, how conditioned is that response and anxiety? If you forever convince yourself that recovery means you’ll ultimately become obese and never be able to stop eating, are you making that your preconceived destiny? THAT IS NOT A HEALTHY MIND. That is a mind that has not accepted.  The mind is powerful, Buddha once said ‘what you think you become’. It’s a strong statement, and I do believe it plays a role.

Change your thoughts, change your behavior. Stimulus (thought) = response(behavior). Your physiological stress plays a huge role, in my opinion on your physical appearance. The mental is as important, and arguably much more important, than the physical. Anyone can gain weight, anyone can lose weight. Everyone understands how over and under eating occurs. Eat more= gain weight. Eat less=lose weight. there’s this and that people find work for them, but ultimately, food is up to you to decide about. How you eat, chose a way that makes you happy. I advocate paleo obviously because of its historical context, nutrition availability, and general common sense.

Here’s a quick for-tay on the brain, all beginning in the hypothalamus:

  • Hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is a small structure that plays a role in controlling our behavior, such as eating, sexual behavior and sleeping, and regulates body temperature, emotions, secretion of hormones, and movement.
  • The Pituitary Gland. The pituitary gland develops from an extension of the hypothalamus downwards. It is involved in controlling thyroid functions, the adrenal glands, growth, and sexual maturation.
  • Amygdala. This small almond-like structure lies deep in the brain and is associated with regulation and control of major emotional activities, including anxiety, depression, aggression, and affection.

Lets consider for a moment how much expected physiological stress you cause yourself. how often do you assume stress A will cause response B. Take exercise. most who are addicted relate exercise to stress relief because you assume one equates to the other. preconceived thought. how often do you assume raising your calories is going to lead to obesity. Take another example…say you eat en entire pizza and start bouncing off the walls with uncontrollable energy for the next 2 hours. Your brain released chemicals called opiods…pleasure chemicals. Now, say you ate an entire pizza and immediately start self hating, body bashing, and freaking the fuck out on how you will burn it all off, or purge it. this is an endocrine system malfunction. One of the reason I advocate paleo is because your brain and body function will become one when given real food. When you ‘snack’ in recovery on something like a cupcake you release insulin in an out-of-this world fake way. What I mean, you always release insulin when you eat, but it is exasperated to the level of malfunctioning when you body senses ‘fake’ food. Even when you smell good food, you release insulin. But if you don’t eat fake food and ‘keep it real’ you get a release and then it goes away. This means you CAN fight back your thoughts because they will be able to be beaten. If you do eat fake food however, you get another insulin surge and in my opinion this is where SO MANY PEOPLE go wrong in recovery.

Acceptance should be ingrained in your skull by now, and part of that includes the acceptance of a nourishing and healthy recovery. Just because you accept recovery does not mean you are home free. What if, with this acceptance, you assume you’re bound to end up fat. or what if you assume this recovery means you can eat more but need to exercise 7 days a week. Or what if, the all too common ‘I am different from everyone else’ is part of your acceptance. Well, now you’re worse off than before. you have more stress than you ever did just not eating. If a chill pill really existed that was healthy I would tell you about it, but until then, food is medicine and accepting that is stress-relieving, along with giving up exercise and learning what it takes for YOU to de-stress.

I am no rocket scientist, I had a hell of a bad week last week. Really, I was a nut job. I have no idea why. but I did nothing, my own fault, to relieve my stress, and it just built up. finally I grasped my senses and did a helllllll of a long sitting and breathing session in the sun with myself. I felt better and rediscovered the moment. I am not a normal person though. I am not going to feel good everyday, who does? that is just part of life. Take control of it, don’t let it control you.

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Trackbacks worth Reading Saturday, Nov 6 2010

If you have time, read EVERYTHING on this site….all worth reading.

This is very closely related to my previous post:

Unfortunately, a majority of nutritionists or dietitians received their specialty education with some seriously flawed concepts that are ultimately attributed to the ill-proposed Dietary Guidelines for Americans for the past three-plus decades. They have led Americans to a journey destined for obesity, diabetes mellitus, arteriosclerosis and atherosclerosis, coronary artery disease stroke, cancer, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s disease, just to name a few.

Another admitter to the deficiency of vegetarianism…

I have nothing against farming meat right! 

Richard’s latest rant, par the usual, hilarious!!!

Good food, well all her recipes are good. If I wasnt lazy I would make this

if anyone has access to this papers full text i would love to read it 🙂

another awesome read!!!

The Potential is Heart Breaking Tuesday, Nov 2 2010 

“The first clue to the answer here is that we don’t really put ourselves in such situations, because the circumstances that produce suspense are always in some sense imaginary or fictional. We can feel suspense about the outcome of a game, even if we are playing in it ourselves, but we don’t say that we feel suspense about whether the boss is going to fire us in the meeting later this morning (Our feelings in this case are more likely to be anxiety and uncertainty). So it must be something about experiencing uncertainty in an imaginary situation that is the basis for the pleasure of suspense.

There’s a simple solution to this problem: As any anxiety sufferer will tell you, it is completely possible to generate very real emotions just by thinking about certain situations, you don’t have to actually be in those situations. The limbic system, the part of the brain that produces the basic feeling of anxiety, reacts to thoughts that the more advanced parts of the brain can recognize as imaginary.

So this is at least part of the answer to our question. Suspense is real emotion that is provoked by a situation that we recognize as not real. Because we recognize that the situation is not real, we can allow ourselves to feel enough of the anxiety to feel stimulated, but then control that anxiety by reminding ourselves that the situation is imaginary.

But there is another part of the question—why should that be so much fun? I can’t say that I know the answer the answer to that one, but I have a guess: Conscious human beings can’t avoid at least occasionally confronting the fact that the future is uncertain and that in fact the current moment could be their last. We love stories and other situations that have happy endings because they provide a sense of relief. They give us hope that the uncertainty and anxiety we often feel may be simply temporary, and in the end everything will work out just fine.”

Rant…This is Why

I have always been interested in the Maudsley Approach to treating eating disorders. It has always made a ton of sense to me but at the same time not any sense at all. Laura Collins hosts a parents discussion forum called Around the Dinner Table where parents of eating disordered children come to find insight, support and ideas. To forward this rant I am about to begin, let me preface that I am more than knowledgable about how detrimental it is for a family to suffer the consequences of an eating disorder.

Parents have one desire when they have children and one rule that is never ever to be broken. They want to see their children pursue happiness regardless of what it entails, and never, under any circumstance, should a child die before his or her parents. Putting your own child to rest is probably one of the biggest nightmares a parent could ever go through. I have only seen my mama cry once in her half century of life(her birthday is today). ONE TIME. She didn’t cry when our adult family friends passed, she didn’t cry when her own dad passed away a couple years ago, not when my brothers went to war, not when all hell broke loose in Iraq at the prison my brother was stationed in where troops were performing mass interrogation, not when he called to tell her his tent had been blow up THE NIGHT he was scheduled to retreat it and have it be replaced by someone else (God work miracles in mysterious ways) . No, she cried the day we were in the therapist’s office after my ‘free trial’ with her was ending and the therapist informed my mama that her baby girl was useless to her as a therapist, that I could and would not ever recover, and needed to go to inpatient treatment because I could die of a heart attack at any moment. What came across my mom’s mind then? Terror. Fear. The previous 20 years of my life flashed before her, she was trying to pinpoint where she thinks ‘she went wrong’ and how she caused this. To her, it was a failure of parenting to have a child suffering the way I was. She has and will never ever, still to this day lose faith in me. She knows I am capable and strong enough to fight for myself and have always been that stubborn, tough minded, tough love kind of person.   

Now, understanding how hard eating disorders are on other people relates to my previous post where I challenged you to take yourself out of your eating disorder and see it for what really is ‘just’ malnutrition. That is it. The mentality and all encompassing shit it comes with are side effects of exercise, starvation and malnourishment.

When parents begin to tackle what seems the endless road of eating disorder recovery they have a few aspects/goals in mind: BMI, calories, emotional state of individual. This is TOTALLY ass backwards. Before a parent should and CAN EVEN attempt to rehabilitate a malnourished child he or she must understand nutrition themselves. The sorry and depressing truth to this is where individuals look for health advice. If you stare over the food pyramid of the United States, you’ll think your child needs grains, oats, truckloads of fruit and vegetables and to take it easy on the saturated fat. Again, ass backwards. I need to make this post available so that parents will hopefully understand and see the light that the nutritional advice given out in modern day society is causing 99% of all diseases, INCLUDING eating disorders that exist today.

It is crystal clear that the prevalence of eating disorders is significantly more common today than say, a century ago. Low and behold a century ago is when wheat, corn and soy became the genetically modified staples in today’s diet.  Couple that with fructose in everything, wheat, soy, all the byproducts of corn, packaged food and convenient lazy ass eating. Does it not cross anyone’s mind that something in our culture, way of living, and way of eating is the sole contribution of the high incidence of mental disorders we face as a society? Again, MODIFY THE FOOD AND YOU MODIFY THE INDIVIDUAL, his or her genes; yes their genetic expression and how their brain and body function.

Step one for a Maudsley parent should entail nutritional therapy for himself. A real food real life understanding of what malnutrition is, and what the hell real food is. The general primal eating concept is a good place to start, but even before that, read up on anthropology and endocrinology. Get a book on metabolism and endocrinology. Read about malnutrition and starvation as opposed to googling every study ever done on anorexia. You can’t cure something you’re blind to the answer for. Modern society, and glimpsing over the blog/forum at Around the Dinner table, parents are blind to what real nutrition even is. To them, it is quantity, calories and bodyweight. No no and NO. It is REHABILITATION OF MALNUTRITION. When you cure malnutrition, you essentially cure anorexia. It isn’t popping pills, doctors appointments, meal timing or analyzing every minute detail of every thought the sufferer has with therapists.

This starts with real food nutrition.

ONE: your child needs to eat mass loads of food that once had a heart beat or can be grown, picked or milked (from good sourcing). MEAT, ORGANS, EGGS, BONE BROTH, MARROW, NUTS, COCONUTS, FERMENTED/CULTURED DAIRY( ), BUTTER, TALLOW, POTATOES (non-gmo ), FAT SOAKED VEGETABLES AND FRUIT. Do some research on wheat, soy, corn and ALL their by-products and dangers, which are present in just about every food on the grocery store shelves(high fructose corn syrup(corn sugar), modified corn/food starch, etc.. Get in touch with a farmer; buy eggs, cream, butter, cheese, potatoes, a cow(and all it’s organs) and start your own garden. Provide your child with nourishing food.

*If you somehow research nutrition and still doubt its ability to cure eating disorders, then trial run yourself. Start eating real food for say 30 days, and reevaluate your mental well being, your ability to cope and handle stress, and your overall self. You will be amazed at how bad you felt before and how much better you feel after*

Be the change you wish to seek

Two: Food is medicine. I am sure most parents would agree and to an extent try to enforce this attitude. But it is not tackled the right way. Serving you child a plate of 5000 calories which serve NO nutrient density or in any respect serve to cure malnutrition is total bullshit. If you tried to force feed me a plate of pasta full of cheese you got off a grocery store shelf topped with 50-ingredient spaghetti sauce your damn right I would throw a fit. THERE’S NO NUTRITION IN THAT. ANOREXIA=MALNUTRITION. You need to realize that the human body does not assimilate nutrients from food that is modified, enhanced and simply not real. Hence why your son or daughter’s brains do not function properly. Hence why the individual has rituals, rules, emotional outbreaks and anxiety through the roof. These are ALL side effects of a brain that is not up to par in nutrition. This is the result of the standard American diet which caused genetic mutation of your child’s brain. It results in malnutrition. In essence, I, nor should you, give one flying fu*k whether or not your son or daughter ‘likes beef liver cooked in tallow with onions served over white rice or potatoes.’ I don’t like taking Tylenol when I have a headache. I don’t like getting a Paps-mere every year. I surely did not always enjoy eating liver when I was malnourished. Until your child is cured of malnourishment food does not need to flipping be this forcingly enjoyable aspect of life. It WILL become that once again, but no, not when the side effects of malnourishment are present.

Three: you and your child need to take a reality check and understand that anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, all are ONLY REAL to the sufferer. Displace yourself from the situation. Displace your child from their disorder. It doesn’t exist outside their head. Your keyboard is real, anorexia is not. Having a biological and genetic component yes, but your child was NOT born with their disorder. Understand and trust that the CORRECT nourishment will result in the diminishment of the problem.

         There exists, and has existed for a long time, a large body of evidence that demonstrates that the ontogeny (growth and development) of an organism is the consequence of a unique interaction between the genes it carries, the temporal sequence of external environments through which it passes during its life, and random events of molecular interactions within individual cells. It is these interactions that must be incorporated into any proper account of how an organism is formed-

–    So this is at least part of the answer to our question. Suspense is real emotion that is provoked by a situation that we recognize as not real. Because we recognize that the situation is not real, we can allow ourselves to feel enough of the anxiety to feel stimulated, but then control that anxiety by reminding ourselves that the situation is imaginary.

Four: malnourishment results in a body which is CRAVING sweet, undesirably preoccupied on food, especially carbohydrates. The anorexic fears the carbohydrate because of its mental by-product reaction it induces. THIS IS THE RESULT OF EATING FAKE FOOD. The reaction is real as the brain responds by spiking all chemical reactions, but your child is under chronic stress eating unnatural food. I read and reread on Laura’s forum about children who go uncontrollably buck wild craving sugary cereal by the box full. This is NOT healthy. Carbohydrates eaten from unnatural sources FEED this brain addiction. Your starving child will go through a phase while refeeding on REAL food of craving any and everything sweet. The brain is adjusting and repairing itself. Provide your child with nourishing sources of carbohydrates in the form of potatoes, roots vegetables and tubers. Do not start giving him or her cereal, ice cream and other sweet ‘treats’ that feed the disordered mind. This does no good and the majority of the time results in insulin malfunctions, hormonal disregulation not to mention nutritional deficencies and the horrible punishment-guilt-trip so common during refeeding.

I read this, posted on October 22nd by a parent as to what was being served for dinner:

“OK so for tonight’s torture…I mean dinner…God help me, we will have spaghetti with cheese and Marinara sauce, spicy soy sausages (one time older D’s fav) garlic bread and milk.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Here it goes:

First, get a basic understanding of nutrition at Whole Health Source

          Pasta- really… do I need to detail how void this is of any and all nutrition on top of leeching nutrition from your body. Read here for the dangers of wheat: , , ,

          Marinara Sauce– first of all, stuff is fat free, what are you thinking?! Second, if it is from a jar or can I guarantee it is full of crap.

          Spicy Soy Sausages– Soy is probably to most malnourishing food I can think of, next to wheat and vegetable oil. Not to mention the inability of a vegetarian to be provided with adequate nutrition on NATURAL REAL food without some sorta modified junk crap like a soy sausage. Just a short depiction of the horror for you, as well as the Myths of Vegetarianism (

  •           High levels of phytic acid in soy reduce assimilation of calcium, magnesium, copper, iron and zinc. Phytic acid in soy is not neutralized by ordinary preparation methods such as soaking, sprouting and long, slow cooking. High phytate diets have caused growth problems in children.
  • Trypsin inhibitors in soy interfere with protein digestion and may cause pancreatic disorders. In test animals soy containing trypsin inhibitors caused stunted growth.
  • Soy phytoestrogens disrupt endocrine function and have the potential to cause infertility and to promote breast cancer in adult women.
  • Soy phytoestrogens are potent antithyroid agents that cause hypothyroidism and may cause thyroid cancer. In infants, consumption of soy formula has been linked to autoimmune thyroid disease.
  • Vitamin B12 analogs in soy are not absorbed and actually increase the body’s requirement for B12.
  • Soy foods increase the body’s requirement for vitamin D.
  • Fragile proteins are denatured during high temperature processing to make soy protein isolate and textured vegetable protein.
  • Processing of soy protein results in the formation of toxic lysinoalanine and highly carcinogenic nitrosamines.
  • Free glutamic acid or MSG, a potent neurotoxin, is formed during soy food processing and additional amounts are added to many soy foods.
  • Soy foods contain high levels of aluminum which is toxic to the nervous system and the kidneys.

          Garlic Bread- again, the wheat thing, and it is probably made worse by the use of a rancid fat like margarine. EAT BUTTER, on real food.

          Milk- pending its pasteurization go for it, but go for cultured/non-hormone or coconut milk, almond milk etc.

I do, after all this ranting, agree with the building block of Maudsley, that being:

-In traditional ED treatment there is a major flaw in understanding and until that changes treatment will not change. This flaw is that an ED sufferer won’t eat as needed, the truth is they can’t without major assistance until a certain amount of healing has occurred. Who better to assist in this than “family” who loves them?

This is usually the case. The by products of malnutrition are terrifying, but the focus needs to be placed on REAL food nutrition.

But then you read this, in regards to daily nutrition:

We have had the following general rule

3 fats
3 proteins
8 grains
5 milks
3 vegetables
5 fruits

Excuse my ignorance but WHEN did grain become a part of the human diet….right, there’s no historical stand for that because they don’t belong in the human diet. You’re underemphasizing good fats which are CRITICAL and overemphasizing the fruits and vegetables.

What bugs me the most is that these parents are blindly trying with all their energy, all their love, to cure the devastation an eating disorder brings to a family but sourcing all their nutritional information from the wrong place. This is heart breaking to see and have knowledge of. It’s not a different way of looking at an eating disorder, it is a down-home, down right CORRECT way to look at eating disorders. If their method coupled with real food to restore a stable nutrient deposit in a sufferer it will be epic!

Recovery is not about talking to death the problem as it is pretty blatantly obvious. Recovery is accepting the problem, feeling it, and moving on. It is accepting that only real food is going to cure malnutrition. It is accepting some food sucks but is offering you more nutrient density than you can ever ask for (beef liver). It is accepting what recovery comes with(weight gain, mood swings, etc) but accepting the departure of ‘that part of you’ and accepting what it brings (as opposed to spending the rest of your life trying to ‘find yourself’).

The basic building block of eating disorder recovery is acceptance and nourishment with food intended for human bodies.

Where to Start: Sound sources for reliable nutrition

Primal Wisdom:

Whole Health Source:

Evolutionary Psychiatry:

Traditional Food: 

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