I dont give a flying fuck how sick or distorted of views you have about yourself or food or your body, until you find what the hell it is that motivates you to keep going, to find strength, and to accept recovery…. FLIPPIN DO IT

I need to be motivated. Motivated like I can’t even explain. See, I have this problem. I hate winter. On top of that, I don’t particularly enjoy food, making it or anything about food in general. I understand 100% the term ‘it’s just food’ but it comes with a I COULD CARE LESS about it attitude. This is good for some people, like dieters, but for a recovered anorexic, hating food is not going to get me anywhere. I HATE THIS. I have no desire or urge to eat. I don’t think about food(this part is new) but its drowning me out because I am tired, I have no motivation to DO anything, and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep sleep sleep. I am eating the same as I ever have and I lost weight, like 5lbs in a fucking week. How is that possible? I got so lividly mad because I just hate food. Now I hate it more- its supposed to do its fucking job so I can get on with it already. WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T IT WEIGHT ON ME? Fucking, food is supposed to give me energy, a sane mind, right did I mention ENERGY….motivation. I am lost, I have none.

Part of my accepting recovery, a BIG PART is trying to force myself to enjoy food or find something besides hate in it. I enjoy food enough now to say I eat more than my fair share of food when it is around. I enjoy chewing, swallowing, biting, feeling nutrients assimilate…but when it comes down to it I don’t give one flying fuck if you throw a can of sardines at me every single day, I will just eat it to get on with life. I realize I need food, I have to eat it. I accept that. But I still hate food- I don’t even want to have to choose it or look at it. Maybe I would like it more if I felt like it was benefiting me, but more food I get sleepier, I get more exhausted. Maybe it is a part of recovery? Maybe stuff is sorting itself out, maybe my body is turning on functions that were once shut off, and maybe my drive and enthusiasm is FINALLY starting to NOT come from feeding off starvation… very possible. Damnit, something else to accept and get on with life with. {INSERT SCREAM HERE}. Maybe, I just need to sit on my ass like I am (I am doing no movement whatsoever the past week or so), and continue being exhausted until my body works itself out.

I don’t think its more food I need, as I eat plenty, but I hate it. I tried massive starchy carbohydrates for ‘energy’ but nothing. I tried realllly nutrient dense food thinking something is off…but nothing. I tried fat bombing myself but…nada. I think I am just tired. I think I am like a bear; I need to hibernate in the winter and come out to the world again in the spring.  The good charlotte song says “motivate me, I want to get the fuck out of this place.” Money quote, I just want this feeling to pass the hell on and outta my life. I cant wait to go to sleep today, like I think if I fell over onto the floor of my office however I land, in 22 seconds (random?) I would be sound asleep.

I resort to retarded outthought food choices when I get exhausted. I just open cans and eat food. I really don’t much care what it is. Hell, ill prolly get mercury poisoning from the amount of canned seafood I have gone through the last week. I jumped in an ICE COLD shower this morning to wake myself up. My scream prolly woke up my roommate who has OFF work ALL WEEK, which just further pissed me off because he lays on the couch 24 hours a day…something I hate doing but potentially can see myself possibly enjoying right now.

Anyways, just showing some blood here and allowing you to see what a struggle feels like to me. I accept it. it sucks. But guess what, life goes on. If you keep doing the same routine over and over don’t ever expect different results. Accept life and recovery and yourself are all ever changing. Get the fuck on with life. I am young. Ill survive just fine. I have a crapload going for me, hell I look like a million buck compared to 10 months ago- that’s saying something. Just accept…just keep living. One thing that has helped is NOT having a routine, at all. Let my life come as it may and just accept it. force yourself in life, and you have to force yourself to eat well.

I think I stayed up to late last night celebrating the SAINTS VICTORY BOUYYYAAAA WHO DAT WHO DAT WHO DAT…and I am paying for it today.

Oh, and don’t worry, I gained the 5 lbs back…even if it is from sodium overload from my lazy canned food adventures…and cheese….holy lbs of cheese I have gone through lately hahha.

Advertisements