A BINGE ON HAPPINESS MIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In a sick sort of twisted way I got a kick out of the first passing holiday this year. One year ago, come thanksgiving I was flipping out about having to eat turkey injected with sodium phosphate (which in the grand scheme of things is not a big deal) and refused to even eat the thanksgiving turkey my mom slaved over all morning. There was no real rhyme or reason to this, I just freaked out about food anyone made- it wasn’t pure or comfortable or something. IT WASN’T THE SAME AS I WAS USE TO EVERY SINGLE DAY IN AND DAY OUT OF MY RUDUNDANT POINTLESS EXISTENCE at the time.
LAST year, I brought my own free range chicken and cooked it in a toaster oven and served myself a roast chicken while avoiding 100% of everything my mama made. Holy shit, I am so ashamed of what I did. It was around this time last year, post thanksgiving, that my older brother and parents saw me start going downhill again. Everything became repetitive, and when you eat zero carb which I did at the time (meat only) and you become repetitive…well there’s a problem. I was eating the same thing same amount everyday. Eventually it led to weight loss (which nutritional deficiencies do) and relapse at the beginning of this year. Obviously, February of this year I got on the primal bandwagon and would venture a bet that I have tried every single vegetable, fruit, nut and meat available to me.
Then there was this year. I was more worried about what to bring than ever. The possibilities were endless! I could make pumpkin pie, chocolate strawberries, coconut balls….I was excited, about making food. This was a first. I ended up choosing to season and bake apples and made a coconut whipped cream for on top. YUM. It T’WAS delicious. I also took part in every primal offering at thanksgiving, INCLUDING smashed white taters! No biggie, really. I was hungry. I made sure I would be hungry for feasting at thanksgiving because that’s what normal people do! Then when I was done I was full, but not obnoxiously I need to take a nap full, just stuffed. The onlookers (my family) seemed more amazed at my ability to talk, be normal and calm than myself. IT WAS JUST FOOD. But looking back on this year, I think it was the first time since I moved out of my house, gained weight, and have sat down to a family dinner with both parents and both brothers. The look on their faces when I scooped up the smashed taters (which I had smashed hah) was priceless. I was confident. I more than deserved the looks from my family as I have put them through endless shit the past years- its just one of those things you need to accept and take in stride. And I am guessing they were simply speechless and astounded by my recovery and ‘saneness’.
So yes, this year, for the first time in some 7 years past, I got a fluttery stick up my ass of comic relief from thanksgiving. The turkey(and leftover like 15lbs I have recently devoured) was amazing. I even went out with some people from work turkey deep frying and got a whole one to myself. I thought about the peanut oil it was fried in, but it surely did not stop me from eating this amazing beast of a bird- primal or not. My smashed taters were good I suppose-I think they are tasteless but whatever. The green beans had cooked all day in ham hock and were from my mama’s garden. The sauerkraut…well I love it and you can’t really mess it up ha-ha. Overall wonderful. I am thankful for my family being together for a meal, all of us, for the first time in like 5 years due to my brothers being overseas with deployment. It was great. One big happy healthy family. That’s like the only thing I pray for in life.
AND LETS ALL NOT FORGET THE SAINTS KICKED THE COWBOYS ASSSSSSSS. WHO DAT WHO DAT WHO DAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This shows a lot. About my progress, my well being, and the loss of the selfishness an eating disorder places on every sufferer. You have to accept recovery. You have to live your life WITHOUT your eating disorder. It cannot tag along with you just because you function in your day to day life. You are still suffering, still obsessing and still stuck if this is you. ACCEPT trashing what it is that is holding you back and begin, or keep pushing toward your path in recovery. The holidays are FUN, they’re exciting, unpredictable. They are much like everyday life SHOULD be. Full of love and laughter.
NOW, another side topic rantability by yours truly. I CANNOT GIVE YOU ADVICE ON HOW MUCH FOOD TO EAT, HOW MANY CALORIES TO CONSUME, WHAT KIND OF FOOD TO EAT or WHEN TO EAT IT. My recovery is NOT your recovery. You will never get macro consumption advice, exercise advising or ANYTHING LIKE IT. I have portrayed in my blog through my writing what has worked for me. It isn’t about food and it never will be. It is about separating yourself and your fake ED identity and accepting life without it. You find your own recovery by doing this. You cannot live vicariously through me. First of all that’s sick, and second you aren’t me and you never will be. I didn’t follow anyone when I began recovery. I picked one simple unarguable concept to eat real food. I did that. I became healthy. I sat ON MY ASS. When I started eating real food in copious amounts I WAS IN KNEE IMMOBILIZERS, unable to even take a shit or shower on my own. I did NOT MOVE for close to 3 months. Yes, giving up exercise is possible. I did it for years. It is part of recovery, the sitting on your ass and getting pissed you have to eat. Crying about being still. Frustrated you’re just sitting in the moment while your brain is moving a million miles an hour. But until you experience this and accept this it will not go away. Your fear of giving up what you hold onto so strongly won’t just go away. You cannot recovery from anorexia just by eating more BUT STAYING EXACTLY THE SAME in every motion of your life.