I think that most people walking the earth live in a false reality where everything is perfect in their little world because it makes them feel better about their life or a current situation. This is just going to lead to stress. Stress leads to a anxious mind. This leads to racing thoughts. This leads back down a depression spiral. Everything is NOT ever going to be perfect so get over it. Life isn’t made to be this joy ride. That’s why there is happiness. It doesn’t exist without sadness. They are all feelings, all part of life, all part of LIVING.

You can’t control everything or anything really, and you should stop trying. How does this play into a successful recovery? Simple, just eat because it IS THAT EASY. Then keep doing that. Don’t attach so many feelings and assumptions to food because you’ll start the spiral. Food is functional. On occasion, it is MEANT to be enjoyed- historically even. A prized hunt meant enjoying food because it was plentiful. A crappy day gathering fruits and vegetables meant unhappiness with food, even stress. On occasion, food probably wasn’t too enjoyable for paleo-man. Just like life, you can’t have a favorite food without having a hated food. You can’t have a successful recovery if you just wait around and expect good things to happen to you. Face the pain, deal with the pain and ALLOW room for happiness.

Your recovery or mine is not superior to any other person. Nothing makes my recovery better or worse than yours (besides I am convinced/biased that primal eating is the key to nutrition and physical rehabilitation- saturated fat to be exact). Don’t ever believe that another person is superior to you and that it must be truth. To live in reality as a functioning individual, you need to live in a way that allows yourself to see things as they truly are. That is why way back when I advised those struggling to READ, and learn about nutrition. Learn about evolution and nutrition WHY we are still(at least until agriculture gets to us in the future) here on the planet.

Again, this goes back to acceptance. When you accept your eating disorder is all in your head, when you accept it is just something you have got to fucking face and get over, you are instantly given the access to all the information you need. You don’t need to scower recovery blogs looking for coping feelings. It’s ridiculous and a waste of time toward YOUR recovery because guess what, another part of life is that every single person is DIFFERENT.

But the cold hard truth is that you need to force yourself into tough love and just get over it. There was never an ‘ah-ha’ moment for me besides facing reality- that meant changing. That meant popping my control bubble. That meant being uncomfortable. But guess what… comfort exists because you can feel uncomfortable.

I don’t want to imply that I think the majority of the eating disorder blog-sphere is not recovering, or doing so the wrong way as I don’t think there is a ‘way’ to recover you just have to bite the bullet. I will fullay admit I think most of it is pety bullshit and full of people who just wont fucking bite the bullet and would ENJOY spending the rest of their lives attached to their eating disorder, writing about it, complaining about it and reading WAYYYYYY more into it than really exists. I will never supply anyone who reads this blog with false information on purpose, but I am saying most of the information pouring out of their mouths is FALSE (especially nutritionally related). Reality is alive and ever moving, reality is now.

To the point, there is a HUGE, absolutely epically GINORMOUS difference between accepting and being ON the recovery bandwagon and this I-had-one-good-day of eating bullshit. One day means nothing in the picture of life, really because ANYONE can do it once, twice or sporadically over months on end which results in a recovery that never happens. What makes a real recovery is the ACCEPTANCE, the right attitude and the constant push until you finally experience full rehabilitated nutrition (and you WILL KNOW). I could care less if you think you ‘indulged’ one day and God forbid MET your meal plan(which I think is bogus anyways- meal plans are a bunch of bullshit put together to make you overanalyze even more).  In comes the ‘it’s a fat day’ crap which is ridiculous and only hurting yourself because if you (again) ACCEPT, then you wont experience but the initial back-to-back fat days. Then feelings change, as they do in life and you have the opposite. You start having days of eating and just getting on with life.

“How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.”

When you look at food, you get a gut reaction. When you smell food you get a brain reaction. When you think about food and eat it, there is a body reaction. Just like when you pass a beautiful magnolia tree. Your brain instantly accesses all the information in your head about trees and specifically this gorgeous one- the smell, the sight, the season. There will be a million links associated with the word and the sight tree. Just because all the information you know on trees is in your mind doesn’t mean you have to read into and understand all of them. You simply ‘take it for what it is’ and continue passing along.

Food should be the same way.

When I see a carrot, a vegetable I developed an aversion too after practically living on them for years at end, I told myself in recovery to associate carrots with anorexia, to associate carrots with a ‘bad food,’ as something I never wanted to eat again and always placed full disgust on anything with or containing carrots. Start giving into this and you are letting something, yourself or someone else tell you that which is not reality. You’re no longer looking at food and seeing food. You are practically encompassed by food because you do not accept food. It’s a very freeing experience when you look at something and see it for what it is (and yes I eat carrots now). Recovery being first, life being second.

So what exactly does it mean? If I weren’t inquisitive I wouldn’t be where I’m at now. If I hadn’t realized I needed to accept anorexia for what it was and get on with life, I never could have continuously ate as I have for months on end. I am able to see things the way they are meant to be seen. I see truth that was once hidden in lies and confusion.

The confusion came when I realized (or I was informed) I had a problem. So I went to the ‘experts’ who, in my experience have been everything more than wrong, about everything. To them, their hypothesis had already been answered, because they assume I needed X a day, X therapies, X medications, and X bed rest. What the fuck? There is no established cure to anorexia so where in the hell did this come into play. ANOREXIA IS MALNUTRITION. Anorexia seizes to exist with CORRECT nutrition.

If I had one desire it would be for ‘research’ people to not be so damned biased toward what they think they know and how to cure diseases. And this is any disease, not just anorexia or other eating disorders. The industry is promoted by biased drug companies and the agricultural industry- it’s all about money. You can’t cure high blood pressure and cholesterol with statins just like you can’t cure diabetes with insulin. You can’t cure depression with SSRI’s just like you can’t cure constipation with an edema. IT IS ALL MALNUTRITION. What these drugs do is ‘control’ them. SSRI’s, which many recoveree anorexics are thrown does nothing to help cure you, it controls the chemical reactions and balances in your head DUE TO malnutrition. Hmm…food will cure that. Same with insulin. If the diabetic were eating the right foods, blood sugar problems would seize to exist. Insulin given from outside sources does nothing more than CONTROL the glucose released upon ingestion of unreal food.

It isn’t rocket science that two-thirds of Americans are now overweight, with half of those obese. So where is the malnutrition you ask? It lies in the RIGHT UNDER YOUR FLIPPIN NOSE fact that people don’t eat real food. I truly 100% think that obesity is the result of a malfunctioning body due to malnutrition. NOBODY is ‘genetically obese’ in history because they ate real food. When you start at the bottom of the ladder, bad food makes a bad gut. A bad gut leads to malabsorption. Malabsorption leads to vitamin/mineral deficiencies. These deficiencies lead to a less-than-par functioning body. Amino acids are not processed and delivered. Food is not absorbed and transferred. So what happens when the body does not get the vitamins and minerals it needs? It starts packing on weight. It THINKS it is starving. You experience ‘cravings’ and emotional attachments to food. You, with your personality might start fearing food, controlling it and later develop a full blown disorder. Or maybe you take the serotonin route and become a binge eater, again due to malnutrition and binge to get serotonin released in your brain because it takes THAT MUCH ‘fake’ food to result in enough vitamins and minerals to be transferred correctly, along with an extra 50lbs.  Everyone who swears their thyroid is shot, their adrenals are burnt out and SOOSOSOSOSOSOO many more commonly ‘complained’ about body malfunctions are ALL results of malnutrition.

This…..is why I promote and fully 100% agree with the paleo diet.

End rant here…here’s some random questions I came across…

What is one thing you miss about being a kid? Freedom

Are you a collector of anything? Nope

What is your favorite book? The 5 People you Meet in Heaven

What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? There always seems to be a song stuck in my head

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Normandy shores where the war was fought. Then Germany and Italy

What is something that people might be surprised to know about you? I am self conscious and have a fear of becoming/being infertile

What do you want to be when you grow up? I am grown up thanks, I want to be a mom and wife.

Do you have usual defaults? My left leg is longer than my right and my left foot is bigger than my left. I am missing a tooth in the back of my mouth b/c we couldn’t afford to fix it when I was young…so they yanked it haha. My ribcage is ungodly large for my size.

Do you like to vary what you eat? Yup but it depends on what I can afford.

Do you still want to go back to some of your life activities & stay there forever? Yes… my freshmen year in college to be exact.

How about years prior to that? Hmm well I don’t remember much from childhood… haha I suppose I would enjoy being 6 again? Sure

Do you continue to live by things that happened to you in your past? No, and YOU shouldn’t either.

Are you letting things long gone & done hold you back or are they feeding that fear of failure OR fear of success? Sometimes. Anorexia is a thing of the past for me, it is not something that will ‘be there forever’ and it is not a part of me. When you make it your identity, and give it a name you place purpose and importance in it. you cant get well by doing that. It was once real to me and all in my head…I am no longer malnourished and thus, I no longer see any identity in myself with anorexia. Thus when you understand this, the smack dab present is a bit scary and makes the past look safe. That’s where the fight lies, not in food or the disease, but accepting yourself and where you are, what you want, and learning what makes you, you.

How do you deal with compliments? Me, it depends… if I am in a good mood, very well or just I just simply take it in passing. If the New Orleans Saints just lost a football game however, Ill somehow manage to link a compliment (your butt looks hot in that) to you’re fat stop eating… old habits die hard. But that is my true, real personality. I experience joy and royal-pissed-offness.

 Sometimes, accepting someone’s thanks means you have to be outside of your comfort zone.