Well I do think it is about time I give myself a break, and some credit. Ten weeks ago during my trip to Maryland for my best friends wedding, I posted pictures upon returning and returned with a renewed spirit and motivation toward gaining weight. If you remember, I posted pictures and looked like this:
10 weeks, and 10 pounds later guess what? It is not the end of the world. Yes, occasionally it feels like my world is tumbling down. It feels at times like my belly is so full my inny belly button is becoming an outty right before my eyes. Yes, sometimes I screw up and sometimes I overeat. Sometimes I make huge strides forward and occasionally I fall back. Whenever I am in the blogging community lately I have taken notice of a few things…a few things that are bothering me to no end and I think should be addressed.
First, it pisses me off, royally, when people have been ‘in recovery’ for what fucking seems like forever and have running blogs of 3-4 years and have NOT restored their weight. HELLO!? Have you not put two and two together that you need MORE help?!?! GET SOME. Maybe you should stop blogging, stop beating around the bush in recovery, get off the fucking pity potty and start eating.
Second, if you have a ‘recovery’ blog, then start RECOGNIZING and PROMOTING recovery, not your eating disorder. ANOREXIA is not you- it is fake so stop believing what it says and wants.
Third, for those of you staying put in recovery, AKA not advancing anywhere, and enjoying a blog life filled in stand-still… take it upon yourself to just eat. Simply put, PUT THE FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH. No, and trust me I have almost DIED 4-5 times from anorexia and being starved, I know it is not that simple, I know you have bad days. I have PERSONALLY posted about my hideous days, my recovery that seems endless and standstill. I have posted being so lost I can’t comprehend the ability to fight my own head. But through it all, I have ALWAYS forced myself to progress FORWARD and keep going. If I couldn’t manage it and handle it, I put the power in someone else’s field. I asked for help, I seeked out a higher power and sat in the pew at church praying to God for forgiveness and guidance. If I could not make myself progress forward in recovery even after falling back, then I asked for help. Point: YOU NEED TO DESIRE recovery more than anorexia. You need to WANT to change, and want to get better. You can’t be secretly devoted to your obsessive rituals and habits and food-distortions. You just can’t. Your gonna hit a point where your ‘stuck’ in recovery and you will never get anywhere. You can’t recover on your own either- because your attachment to you mental head is too tight. ASK FOR HELP. Call yourself out when you’re acting like a total douche bag. For me, I catch myself being pissed off, angry or triggered by something nonchalant, or a simple comment of ‘your face is fuller.’ I get this rebellious urge and this uncanny ‘just wait, I’ll show you’ attitude and have a huge desire to starve back to where I was, just for the hell of it, and prove a point. What the fuck? The only point I prove is to myself and it is a sick point. I realized how BORED I really was. If I have the time to want to ‘prove’ something to myself and other people it better damn well be recovery. Otherwise I need to get a flipping life.
Anways, rant end lol. Without further ado (is this a word?) here is 10lbs of gain. Not the end of the world is it. I did it, with the help of God, and the supportive blog community, and Mark’s Daily Apple website http://www.marksdailyapple.com/ , and good food, and journaling, and venting, and crying, and being furious, and accepting, and experiencing happiness, dates with guys and so much more. But mostly, I did this on my own and I am damn proud of myself. There was no recovery team, no outpatient or inpatient so damnit I KNOW IT IS POSSIBLE.
k, THANKS HAVE A GREAT DAY! OH, PS, I have totally been emjoying this stuff by the jar full…like a jar every 2-3 days !!!!!
umm i ave a couple of questions….well first off ur my hero!
ok o how many calories are u eating and how much do u work out? what kinda team do u have? have u ever been ip. how did u increase ur intake and what foods do u reccommend/not reccommend? do u have any rituals? are u anal aboiut measuring?
holy questions… check out my “its just not that hard” post for my usual food- this is not a food blog. but i did one post on 2 days of food with calories listed.
2nd, i dont ‘workout’. i walk for the vitamin D and sunlight. i occassionally try to do a chin up or see how many girly pushups i can do… thats about it.
never been in IP. was in outpatient like 4 years ago and it was BS bogus.
how did i increase my food??? haha I ATE FOOD. cook, plate, open mouth and insert. the first 3 days jumping from under 1000 to over 2500 causes a lot of digestive errors an water retention, but after youget past the first week yor body starts cooperating and trusting you and the HUGE belly bloat(b/c it is HUGE) goes away and youll pee a lot, then yeah, keep going.
i recommend real food. check out mark’s daily apple website on my blogroll/
rituals… hmm i still have some but i am working on them. mostly i dont like to eat around people.
measuring…never done it. dont do it. not even when following a recipe haha. i buy my meat by the lb on the package so i know if i but 1.25lbs of steak it will make me 2 10oz steaks.
i dont believe u dont work out.
hah i personally dont much care what you think of me. my recovery not yours
and by the way i know your the same person in New York who asked all the questions earlier… way to try and change your email
So proud of you girlie 🙂
Real food really is what makes it happen, in the end. And it quits the obsessing.
<33 beautiful pics
btw, what nationality are you? you look mixed hehe
haha i am white…i have indian in my blood
this is SOOOO flippin true… i wish i could scream it to the world!!!!!!!!
yes it was the same person and im just wondering how u have super jacked arms yet dont work out. sorry for asking a question…and by the way, what did u like track emials?
i use to tumble, cheer and dance….?? hell i dont know i sit at a desk all day doing office work and take a walk in the sun after lunch, weather pending. they are jacked arent they!?? haha thanks!
i dont know what email tracking is…
ps i agree with 99% of what u say its quite refreshing to hear someone call out all those so called”recovering ed’ers” that seemingly dont gain weight? psh eat more, u gain wt. its as simple as that ….if i see one more protein shake with 40 cal almond milk and guar gum? wtf is that stuff?! lol or a bowl of oats with caloric measurements micromanaged i think ill be ill. keep doing what ur doing and saying what u say! xoxo
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH oh i love the protein shake/gum thickener comment !!!! CLASSIC…. and almond milk… God forbid you go over 100 calires in a shake… EAT A FLILPPIN BURGER FOR PROTEIN
You keep it real. I love it.
Have you seen the award that was given to some blogs? The 2010 Top Eating Disorder Blogs? I was looking over the list and didn’t agree with half of them, but if I had my say, I would have put you on there.
You not bloggin for attention or followers and subscribers. You’re speaking the truth, and really trying to tell it like it is. I respect that so much girl! Sometimes in recovery, no matter how hard it is, actually because it’s hard, we need to be pushed! We need that tough love and push from others, or else we would be stuck in this forever. So yeah, maybe telling girls with EDs to just f*cking eat, isn’t sensitive, but after being trapped in this disorder I just want to shake some of them, because they aren’t moving forward at all! *Sigh……..
how do i see who all got this ‘award’…yes and in all honesty i could care less about being ‘cool’ in the blog world… lol actually ts funny to think people want to be. i get annoyed with those who sit still and dont push… its a disease…you cant just sit back and expect miracles to be performed just because you feel bad. you have to fight you have to cry and feel like a psycho occassionally,
agree with you girl! ❤ i do the tough love thing
I SO AGREE WITH YOU with people who are GAINING forever.. umm freaking SUCK IT UP and eat. i get so upset- they are only ruining THEIR bodies and THEIR lives and it upsets me. yeah, its hard, yeah it sucks sometimes.. but it CAN be done. seriously, you look no different to me (im not saying that to tell you that you look bad at ALL, im telling you that to show you that its only YOU that notices a change- nobody else does!) proud of you!
thanks girl! i feel alot stronger and my energy is through the roof! i know i have gotten ‘bigger’ lol because non of my pants fit! point is…none of them SHOULD fit lol. i simply am going to stop reading about stand-still anorexics with blogs i think
this was hard for me to read.
because honestly.. i need to suck it up
i have been “in recovery”… for about 5 years… and refuse to gain weight
pathetic
i am screaming for help in every direction.. yet once i get it, i freak out.. because I will gain weight, and thats the last thing i want…
You are amazing girl.. Inspiring.
seriously get help from IP or something. it is not worth your life. put recovery in someone elses ball field. youll hate it and thank them later. get over yourself and your disease and move on with life
I agree, I was “in recovery” for a decade! I need to effin wake up and get myself to IP, seriously, just do it, youll be glad you did!
agree 100%
Hey girl! Don’t listen to all those haters out there – keep doing what you’re doing. Different plans/recoveries are for different people – so what? I pray to God you continue to have the strength to do this by yourself! Don’t forget you have some awesome people in this community who will continue to support you! You are so determined – I know you can do it!
Thanks love! your support means a lot ❤
Have I told you how much I love your blog?! I just do..you are amazing!!! You look so awesome too 🙂 Keep it up and keep pushing people to get some DAMN help….thank you !!
Dana xo
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
Congrats on the recovery process. It looks like you really have your mind set to become healthy and where there is a will there’s a way. No sympathy for the devil. You’re in control! Have a beautiful weekend!
Great post and blog! Check out mine 🙂
Jenna
It’s insane how much I agree with everything you say. Keep on keeping on, keeping it real, recovering, and doing it big. You deserve it.
Oh and also… I’m in recovery right now and let me agree in saying that COCONUT BUTTER IS MINDBLOWINGLY GOOD. It BLOWS MY MIND every time I eat it. So much freaking flavor. It’s insane.
Thanks for this,
I admit on my site many times that I’m not fully restored but I’m way more restored than my rock bottom. I not longer have osteoperosis, but people think that have it all together and I admit, I have room to gain. But thats not to say I dont put the food in my mouth, I never had starvation as an issue, mainly I had severe exercise issues but that put me at a very dangerous weight. Props to you for have the guts to show pics, I’m way stronger but I dont want to trigger anyone and have them think “o, this is what a recovered girl looks like”. I dont know if that makes sense, but I’m scarred to show ful body shots of myself.
But thanks again for calling out all ED bloggers, sometimes they need that tough love
i dont say i am recovered b/c i have a long ways to go. i am weight ‘restored’ but i dont have a period yet. i havent had one in almost 7 years. my anorexia was an exercise obsession too. but ew i looked so bad i was a walking skeleton my body refused to maintain any muscle from my extreme working out so i dunno what the hell i was thinking anyways
just keep reminding yourself that!
“its possible, i know it is”
“its possible, i know it is”
“its possible, i know it is”
you are worth it love. and btw. i have to say that ur arm muscles are rediculously awesome! right there, the fact that u are proud of ur muscles, shows a lot about ur mindset and ur determination to visualize and except what is healthy and what isnt! so proud of you!!!
xoxo ❤
thanks i do want to get strong….skinny sucks strong is totally healthy!
o and I saw that you read marks daily apple. I actually met him, hes based in la. I work at a crossfit gym. are you doing crossfit or eating strictly paleo?
WHAT YOU MET MARK?!???!??! hold i am so jealous!! no i cant do crossfit i cant even take a walk without knee pain…osteoporosis is a bitch. hopefully i can strangthen my body somehow soon though.
wow, i am so jealous
You are so pretty…the static photo on your homepage does not do you justice. Honestly, you have the most beautiful face and I am so glad that you are on the road to recovery!
haaa at the moment my face looks like break out central…i hate it i am hoping it is hormonal but thanks!
Good job on the weight gain and attitude! Personally I don’t see the weight gain on you at all, but your arms DO look totally buff!!
you are wonderful! is your surgery coming up (I’ve gotten so behind lately!). i’ll have to try that coconut stuff–it looks good and i love coconut! i agree completely with you–i cannot stand reading about or watching shows about people who just kind of stay where they are and accept that and complain about having to gain weight.
not worrying about surgery b/c i cant afford it… bt both knees hurt and my shins are startingto hurt if ike i am on my feet copying at wor all day 😦
Aloha!
Finally had a moment to jump over to your blog…wonderful work Mal!
Your self care and passion are paying off.
There are many ways to heal and reaching out can be really helpful to keep on track…ED can be quite cunning 😉
Don’t hesitate to stop by nourishing by heart ….and I know I’ll see more of you over at 180 degrees!
Aloha~ Gina
Love your tough talk…we don’t have enough of that in the blog world…I feel like everything is so sugar-coated, you know? I was in “recovery” for like 3 years until I finally woke up. I gained about 30 lbs and still have more to gain, but boy, does every single ounce I gained feel SO good! Pure energy and beauty poundage, baby!
Hey girlie! I have faith in you that you will make it. It takes real strength and courage to just go for it. But once you do it, you realize how much BETTER life is. Correction: you actually live life! There’s no point in making a torturous dark world for yourself that just revolves around food and self-hate. You are so much more than that, and I’m so glad that you are doing what it takes!
XOXO
p.s. I completely forgot to thank you for that link you sent me!!! That is really interesting. It definitely had me clicking from link to link lol
http://www.ohonemorething.wordpress.com
thanks girL!
Mal good work on gaining. That is so awesome. You are truly motivating and beautiful. Thanks for always being so honest and open. Love it!!
Chelsea
Awesome news! You are doing so well.. an inspiration to everyone. Like PPs said I can’t see the difference, but every healthy pound counts!
thanks! yup youre right it is the weight the makes the difference and counts
I am in recovery and if that is s healthy BMI, then I am not seeing it.
I think it is great that you are making steps towards recovery, but putting pictures like that up on this type of blog…doesn’t speak recovery. I am a little shocked and bothered by them.
Again, it is GREAT that you are recovering and taking steps towards it, but recovery isn’t just about how the body looks. It is healing of your thoughts and behaviors too.
thanks, but my BMI is 19 so think what you will. Remember, this is my recovery not yours. I feel great, I act normal considering all things and i am healthy
You are right.
It’s your recovery….I think it is great that you are trying. Looking at your website,I couldn’t past this post with all of the comments stating you look great and not comment.
It takes more than just a “healthy” BMI to be recovered. I don’t even know what my BMI is and I don’t obsess about coconuts or any other type of foods as a distraction. My actions are automatic and my thoughts are healthy. It took a really long time to be this way and I hope you reach it someday.
You are still walking a tightrope with too short of a stick….
GOOD LUCK. If you want it, it will happen.
Be Safe.
I do hope you are really well, Mal.
That said:
Amen, Gina.
I wonder what’s going on with the majority of people who comment here?
“Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds” or something….
??
tallahassee, FL…. hmmm i love anonymous commenters