Well I do think it is about time I give myself a break, and some credit. Ten weeks ago during my trip to Maryland for my best friends wedding, I posted pictures upon returning and returned with a renewed spirit and motivation toward gaining weight. If you remember, I posted pictures and looked like this:
10 weeks, and 10 pounds later guess what? It is not the end of the world. Yes, occasionally it feels like my world is tumbling down. It feels at times like my belly is so full my inny belly button is becoming an outty right before my eyes. Yes, sometimes I screw up and sometimes I overeat. Sometimes I make huge strides forward and occasionally I fall back. Whenever I am in the blogging community lately I have taken notice of a few things…a few things that are bothering me to no end and I think should be addressed.
First, it pisses me off, royally, when people have been ‘in recovery’ for what fucking seems like forever and have running blogs of 3-4 years and have NOT restored their weight. HELLO!? Have you not put two and two together that you need MORE help?!?! GET SOME. Maybe you should stop blogging, stop beating around the bush in recovery, get off the fucking pity potty and start eating.
Second, if you have a ‘recovery’ blog, then start RECOGNIZING and PROMOTING recovery, not your eating disorder. ANOREXIA is not you- it is fake so stop believing what it says and wants.
Third, for those of you staying put in recovery, AKA not advancing anywhere, and enjoying a blog life filled in stand-still… take it upon yourself to just eat. Simply put, PUT THE FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH. No, and trust me I have almost DIED 4-5 times from anorexia and being starved, I know it is not that simple, I know you have bad days. I have PERSONALLY posted about my hideous days, my recovery that seems endless and standstill. I have posted being so lost I can’t comprehend the ability to fight my own head. But through it all, I have ALWAYS forced myself to progress FORWARD and keep going. If I couldn’t manage it and handle it, I put the power in someone else’s field. I asked for help, I seeked out a higher power and sat in the pew at church praying to God for forgiveness and guidance. If I could not make myself progress forward in recovery even after falling back, then I asked for help. Point: YOU NEED TO DESIRE recovery more than anorexia. You need to WANT to change, and want to get better. You can’t be secretly devoted to your obsessive rituals and habits and food-distortions. You just can’t. Your gonna hit a point where your ‘stuck’ in recovery and you will never get anywhere. You can’t recover on your own either- because your attachment to you mental head is too tight. ASK FOR HELP. Call yourself out when you’re acting like a total douche bag. For me, I catch myself being pissed off, angry or triggered by something nonchalant, or a simple comment of ‘your face is fuller.’ I get this rebellious urge and this uncanny ‘just wait, I’ll show you’ attitude and have a huge desire to starve back to where I was, just for the hell of it, and prove a point. What the fuck? The only point I prove is to myself and it is a sick point. I realized how BORED I really was. If I have the time to want to ‘prove’ something to myself and other people it better damn well be recovery. Otherwise I need to get a flipping life.
Anways, rant end lol. Without further ado (is this a word?) here is 10lbs of gain. Not the end of the world is it. I did it, with the help of God, and the supportive blog community, and Mark’s Daily Apple website http://www.marksdailyapple.com/ , and good food, and journaling, and venting, and crying, and being furious, and accepting, and experiencing happiness, dates with guys and so much more. But mostly, I did this on my own and I am damn proud of myself. There was no recovery team, no outpatient or inpatient so damnit I KNOW IT IS POSSIBLE.
k, THANKS HAVE A GREAT DAY! OH, PS, I have totally been emjoying this stuff by the jar full…like a jar every 2-3 days !!!!!