It is not, I will repeat, it IS SIMPLY JUST NOT hard to get in a lot of food. It is NOT hard to ‘eat big.” Seriously, start firkin eating big if you’re in recovery or go home, or deal with your slow metabolism, or don’t change anything. Go ahead, stay stuck in habits, scale obsession, food rituals, safe vs unsafe food, your nonexistent isolated life. Go ahead, be my guest. Keep complaining. Keep agonizing that eating is just so hard, that you simply cant fit in enough…sorry but I am calling bullshit on anyone who says that. You just aren’t eating the right food. Are you filling up on vegetables and fiber? Were you born in a barn, c’mon that’s a stupid idea. Are you filling up on protein concoctions whether with high protein fat free versions or some powdery nonsense? Also, appetite suppressing, STOP DOING THAT.

 C’MON PEOPLE. Think about it, eating is not rocket science. Why don’t we take advantage of life once in a while. We all take life for granted, why don’t we start enjoying the moment, right now, whatever you are doing- just enjoy it.

 The point of this quick rant-like post is I am NOT a foodie, I do not want my blog to be about food or weight, but considering the reason for the blog I will have to occasionally venture into the uncharted area of food & weight. I am doing damn well on the physical part of recovery.

In 10 weeks I have put on 10 pounds, go me. what do YOU have to show or prove from the past 10 weeks? Really, tell me I would love to know.

 What have you done lately actively toward recovery? Are you bettering yourself? Are you increasing your food intake?

OR, are you wallowing in self pity? Are you squattin on the pitty potty? Take a shit and get off it.  

Honest to God the fatness is all mental. The disease is NOT real and what I see in the mirror is NOT real. So until I make sense of this sorta confusing aspect, I don’t use mirrors, and I don’t body pick at myself. There’s no point in making recovery self defeating. Recovery is not some self fulfilling prophecy either because if it were, I would be continually gaining and losing 5 lbs because I like to know when I gain, I still have that control to lose. That’s not me, that’s letting anorexia control me. I do hate it- everything about having to gain and feeling it on each part of my body- and eat and eat and eat. I don’t look ‘toooooo’ much different (I think). My face is a little fuller, and my stomach and arms are not scary looking like a body builder. I have more feminine hips and thighs so hopefully one day I will be able to have those 39457 kids I have always wanted and dreamed of. I am going to start choreographing dance routines again on the weekends when I have free time because guess what. I have the strength to, I have the energy too and I think we know I have the passion to J

So what about you? Are you controlling your life or are you letting it control you? Figure out when it happens, and fucking STOP IT.

Do you wake up, get on the scale and let it determine you mood, outfit, sanity? It is controlling you

Are you thinking about lunch over breakfast? It is controlling you

Are you worrying about later day food or possible meal changes all day? It is controlling you

Are you quiet, isolated and mute at work? It is controlling you

Does your mom asking you to lunch throw you for a hay day meltdown? WHY?!?! It is controlling you

Are you racing around town, on the go, cleaning, scrubbing, walking, and swimming nonstop? Restless energy and the gogo mind? It is controlling you

Are you looking up recipes, blog rolling to find safe low-cal meals and the newest health foodie concoction? It is controlling you

MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS. If you don’t put yourself in life, life will never find you. Recovery isn’t so much about finding yourself as it is LETTING yourself be found. You can’t keep wallowing and searching for ‘you’. You simply just need to be you, make you, and get OUT in life doing things and you will be ‘found.’ Now, the whole point of this post was supposed to be food & weight and I got ranted sidetracked. I get a lot of emails, and questions about meal plans, my meal plan, my food, how I eat etc etc… guys, I just EAT. But, I took the time and effort to recap for you the last 2 days of my food. No pics, I still think that is disordered to do as someone recovering from an ED. Accountability isn’t in pictures and food descriptions, really. I take it with a grain of salt what bloggers ‘say they eat’ because first, I don’t care and second, right I don’t care, and third, ED’s are encompassed in lying. The whole disease IS essentially lying. So no, whatever it is you post you eat I usually pay no attention to and don’t care about. Sometimes I do get ideas and sparks of interest, but rarely, RARELY do I ever see bloggers even eating any real food. So, here are the past 2 days for me. I eat fully paleo with dairy. I don’t think about what I do and don’t eat. There aren’t lists and safe vs unsafe foods. I simply just eat real foods and I eat a crapload of real food. I don’t think about junkshit processed stuff because it isn’t food. Humans are omnivores. We are not carnivores and we are not herbivores. AKA, we are not gorillas nor are we lions. End of story. For the vegetarians, you eat fake food(tofu) and you don’t get the vitamins and minerals you need. That’s where protein powder, green smoothies, green supplements and food and vitamin/minerals pill popping come in. If you would like to back your argument up with the bullshit China study please read here ( ) and here ( ). End of discussion, you’re wrong. I don’t know it all, but please…any argument for it is so skewed toward some cult-like nonsense it is ridiculous. Again, rant over, here’s my food:


–          1 ½ full fat cottage cheese with frozen berries/peaches

–          Coffee with heavy cream(at work)

–          Spinach & tomatoes with 1 lb of taco seasoned ground beef, cheese, avocado and sour cream (taco salad)

–          Homemade pumpkin bread, 2 thick slices. One with coconut butter one with butter/mascarpone

–          Glass of coconut milk (2 ½ cups)

–          Omelet with spinach & raw goat cheese cooked in butter

–          3/4lb chuck steak with onions/mushrooms & roasted squash in butter/garlic, turnip fries

Calories: 3465 when I put it in one those machine things


–          2 HB eggs, one with cream cheese, one with butter

–          3 servings of macadamia nuts

–          Leftover chicken thighs(with skin), olive-oil based garlicky tomato sauce with parmesan over spinach

–          2 cups of full fat FAGE with cinnamon sprinkled over

–          Sauerkraut & yellow squash, 3 chicken livers fried in butter, coconut (coconut flour & flakes) shrimp fried in coconut oil, jicama(Mexican potato) tossed in lime & chilli powder

–          Salad with sun dried tomato, raw goat cheese, fried egg, random grass-fed hotdog and lotsa vegetables

–          Homemade pumpkin bread warmed up with coconut milk poured over and raw almond butter

Calories: 3620 when I put it in one those machine things

It’s not hard, stop complaining. Stop eating low fat. Stop using egg whites. Stop using those stupid ass wheat filled bread thins b/c they are 100 calories. Stop filling up on belly bloating food. Stop the nonsense. CALORIES DO NOT MEAN SQUAT. Really, it is not the amount of calories/carbs/fat/protein you eat that causes weight gain, it IS however, the undernourishment from food without nutrients you eat that causes your body to pack on pounds. You don’t give it what it needs thus, your gonna hold onto weight because your body is starved, not so much for food, but for nutrition. Am I freaking out about my calories?…no, not really but honestly I didn’t know I ate that many lol. I eat real food, it sure as hell isn’t going to harm me. Holy crap, did you notice I didn’t have ‘fruit’ besides tomato on Tuesday!??! THE WORLD IS STILL REVOLVING. Haaaa……

Anyways, this is pretty typical of what I eat. The second batch of my pumpkin bread is gone so I wont make it for a while and I gave the rest of the last batch to my momma. I get a lot of ideas & recipes from  and   both AWESOME foodies for real food.