Ok so here’s the deal yall. I am back up to my pre-going-to Maryland weight. Yay… bleh. Haha I have an upset belly like 24/7 from food. It’s DENSE food. I don’t bulk up in NADA. Every time it is ‘time to eat again’ I don’t want food because I am so sick of being full and feeling sick. But, alas, I keep going. ACCEPT IT, it is part of recovery. No one said it would be easy, just worth it in the end. So anywho I GOT NEWWWWWWWWSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, so coming back from Maryland and realizing I am unable to keep weight ON me even traveling for 4 days, I decided to try to find some sort of help. My insurance will not pay for outpatient or inpatient, or a nutritionist, dietician, psychologist…yeah you get it. my insurance blows and anorexia nervosa is not an illness. Oh if they only knew. Sometimes I wish I could hand over my notebook to them from when I was really bad off and use to write and write about everything on my mind (I think one of my posts I typed up a couple shorter snip-its from it) because surely they would put me in a straight jacket for thinking how I did at the time. But NOW, because I am not ‘deathly ill’ and functioning etc etc, plus my BMI is almost 16 again I don’t even think I ‘qualify’ as anything besides a disordered eater. But anyways whatever. I am feeling fat in a nutshell but I have no mirrors so I will move on with life and keep on keeping on.
I called around the clinics and the 90-day-oh-so-famous treatment center down here where Tiger Woods went for sex addiction- haha yes it is in the same town I live in, weird eh? I finally got ahold of a guy who helped me. He informed me of an eating disorder and addictions meeting on Sundays from 6:30-7:30 keyword FOR FREEEEEE. CHA-CHING. So, I mustered up the strength, informed my parents about it and they thought it was a good idea, and I went. I have never been to a group meeting of any sort before. I was initially shocked, there were like 20 people there. Per the usual, I am the only one who has anorexia nervosa. There are a handful of binge eaters, a couple bulimics, and a binger who purges through exercise. The rest are alcoholics or drug addicts.
Holy news flash….addicts ARE DEATHLY THIN. It was weird to be the ‘anorexic’ and I was no where remotely near the skinniest person in the room. There were prolly 7-8 people smaller than me. I almost felt like I should leave because I am ‘fine’ and the heroin/crack heads are the ones who really need help. But I stayed, anxious and nervous. Anywho, it is run a lot like the 12 steps. I have GINORMOUS amounts of stuff to be reading, activities to be doing, and goals to be making, but here is the gist of it. I really enjoyed the meeting and when asked to talk, I ended up on a shpeal about how I am frustrated that I feel like I chose to be anorexic, I choose all this, I sit on the pity-potty, I am guilty/ashamed feeling that I owe my life to my parents & siblings, and sent both brothers over to fight in war while worrying about ME. I got so frustrated trying to explain the whole ‘no one understands’ thing I started crying.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I hate not having control and I am scared the entire time when I take control. But I am taking control and I am gaining weight and I am so upset I do not ‘feel’ any better and I actually feel about 10 times more self hate than before. Then this girl Erin explained to me that it is the disorder, I did not choose it, and I need to accept what I cannot change and the fact that anorexia will be there the rest of my life, but that I need to get control of it. I need to take charge and battle it. I didn’t choose to become an anorexia sufferer but I sure as hell can change the ‘death outcome’ of most anorexics. One thing that you have to do at the meetings before you talk is say “I am ______ and I have ______” so every time I wanted to say something I had to say “Hi, I am Mallory and I have anorexia nervosa”. Okay, the first couple times it was alright, but then it sinks in, and it gets harder to say on repeat. Another thing I noticed about the meeting when I walked in, EVERY single girl (there weren’t any guys) had either coffee of diet coke. I almost had to laugh about that because seriously, what more can you expect out of addiction/disordered eating people. You would think it wouldn’t be allowed or something. I am SO glad I gave up all soda non-diet or diet over a year ago. SUCH an addiction, bleh I will never touch another soda forever (unless perhaps overly intoxicated lol).
All the girls who were at the meeting at currently in the 90 day inpatient treatment at the hospital treatment place, and I think this Sunday meeting is one of their options on attending. Again, besides being the only ‘not-good-enough’ anorexic I was the only one also not in inpatient at the moment.
But anyways, all in all it went well, and I will be attending EVERY Sunday for an hour. I think it will do me good, and so far for this week I am obviously on step one, admitting I have a problem. Here is their web site is anyone wants to check it out. http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/ I highly recommend anyone not in treatment of without psychologists/nutritionists etc to check out a meeting in your area!
My goal this week is to realize it is not about the food, and making it about the food, my body, my movement or whatever means SOMETHING, somewhere in my life is not going right. I need to sit back and figure out where I got overwhelmed and what went wrong.
Recently, some shithead asswipe frauded my bank account and I currently am in debt until the fraud clears and I get my money back. Low-and-behold I got the IP address from the police of where the stuff bounced out of, SWEDEN? And the persons email address, yes I will be public with it BECAUSE THE PERSON WAS A NOW DELETED COMMENTER ON MY BLOG, is email@example.com. If you see a comment from this person, it is a spam frauder who somehow got ahold of all my fucking information, and I had to change it all, so thank you ‘lwood’ for being a piece of shit on the end of a stick. Ok- rant end.
I also found out my little brother may get re-deployed the end of September last night. he gets to come home THIS month for a while and is supposed to be going to Mississippi state in the fall for college but he recently found out, or I guess was told, that he may need to go back. You see, he is in the special forces and not very many people do or have his job or position. So, whether or not he wants to go back, if the job aint getting done and needs to be, he’s going back. The army still ‘owns him’ per say.
Anways, have yall tried group meeting for eating disorders? What are your thoughts on the 12-step program?