Think about where you are RIGHT NOW in life, in recovery, in self acceptance….NOW, think about a month from now, a year from now, and 5 years from now…where do you want to be? Who do you want to be? How do you want to act? How do you want to eat? How do you want to get your desire out of life? How will you be helping and giving to others? How will your recovery turn out? Where do you plan to be with your life? Hopefully your future thoughts are all positive and optimistic because if not you need to go back and reanswer the questions…no pessimists here please. I too can play the “but it’s so hard game’ but recovery comes down to you doing for yourself and believing in yourself….acceptance.

 Now think, ‘if I only knew then what I know now…’

            What would you need to change right now?

            How on track are you in recovery?

            How accepting are you of the changes you need to make?

            How willing to ask for help and guidance are you?

            Do you need accountability to reach the destination you see yourself at?

 Five years from now I plan to be married, pregnant with at least baby number 2 and accepting my body for what it was made for- reproduction. A year from now I hope plan to be having regular menstrual cycles, eating for the weight of a normal 5’8 female individual, and gain back greater mobility in my body. I plan to have a boyfriend who loves me for who I am and not what I look like. I see myself celebrating life and health along the gulf coast of Mississippi or the Gulf shores of Alabama where I plan to make a trip when I reach a healthy-for-my-body weight and kick back lazy on the beach for a day or two. A year from now I hope I am throwing out all the clothes, mostly bottoms, in my closet because they are too small, and I will give them to Good Will or Salvation Army and help those who really need it. Hopefully within the next year or so I am able to end my blog, but keep it up for those who are seeking recovery. I do not plan to blog forever, but if my journey and experience helps others, then something good has come from this horrendous disease. And my biggest thing, in 5 years I plan to be back into dancing and choreographing hip hop dance routines. I hope to have access to an empty room of mirrors and a sound system where I can just let go, dance and enjoy every minute of it.

 Now… if I must place myself 5 years down the road and say ‘if I only knew then what I know now…’

            I would eat what I want when I want

            I wouldn’t fear weight gain being a never ending path

            I wouldn’t fear becoming a binge eater (my biggest fear)

            I would have forced myself to go home and talk out my recovery with my mom even though it ends in anger guilt and frustration

            I would have eaten the squash casserole my mom offered me 2 nights ago despite the Ritz crackers throughout it and store bought ultra pasteurized cheese

            I would make eating a more social aspect of life, more enjoyable rather than a secluded I-hate-but-have-to-do-this thing

            I would attempt to make light of recovery and work with food, making dishes I know I would love rather than stick-to-this routine eat now K.I.S.S style

            I would drink alcohol, a lot more, because I enjoy it, and let loose and have fun more often

            I would given a really big FUCK YOU to anorexia