Well I AM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maryland was a blast. I loved seeing my friends. I miss them so much. If I had money, a job, a college degree…yeah all the essentials up there, I would be back in a heart beat no doubt about it. but, I made a HUGE step and sent them this e-mail asking for their help.
I had a few awkward moment while I was up there and I could tell other people around me knew something was off, or that something was bothering me. One girl did approach me and tell me she worried about me, and that her parents had mentioned I was, that I appeared to be ‘bothered’ by something. So whether yall believe it or not, people DO notice you are off.
Food up there was alright I suppose. I am use to eating a lot more often than we got to. And I was very antsy, anxious etc about eating especially around the large amount of people, and food choices I had no control over. The crabs were like absolutely freaking AMAZING!!!!!!! And they had whipped butter to dip the meat in!! I LOVE whipped butter! And at the salad bar they had a good mix with lotsa boiled eggs. At the wedding there was a huge cheese platter, and a veggie platter with olive oil soaked asparagus and broccollini… I ate like 3 pounds of cheese. I think I would sum it up to ‘nervous eating’ because everyone was drinking and with my pain medication I was unable to start drinking until around 8pm. We hit up bars the night before and of the wedding.
Heather, my BFF for life, and the bride-now-wife looked so firkin pretty. It was a gorgeous wedding, it went with smooth sailing, weather was gorgeous, church was pretty and reception was a BLAST!!!!
I am gonna share the email I sent my girls in Maryland. I have gotten nothing but heartfelt responses, each of which have made me cry. They have also made me more determined than I have ever felt in my life.
Sidenote: I am God damned fucking sick(excuse my French) of being told I look amazing, I look great, I am so pretty la-de-fucking-da… IT MAKES ME WANTING TO GAIN WEIGHT SO HARD. I equate I am pretty to stay how you are. I equate I look great to ‘your fine’ and then in starts the ‘you were never sick and it’s all made up’ motto running through my head… does anyone else get like this?? I cant gain weight if I am ‘pretty’ and look ‘great’…why would anyone want to?
Sidenote 2: heather and I discussed my progress while I was up there. I tried to explain some things to her and she made me realize that until I accept myself, my flaws, my body, my mind, my personality and everything in my total package, that I will never ever be a normal social person, never will be able to maintain friendships, and never be able to be in a relationship with a guy. If I don’t know myself, and accept everything I have to offer, and stop the self hatred I have for myself and my past, I will never be able to let anyone else in. I really struggle with this. I have a knack for dating a bunch of guys for short periods, having fun, and blwoing everyone off shortly after because I don’t want to open up to them, I get scared, and then I get annoyed with them. no one gets a chance in my book because I do not understand and love myself.
Any tips on this?
Ok, here’s the email I sent and I will follow it with some pics from this weekend…
Forewarning, this is long so if you don’t have a few minutes read it later ❤
I just wanted to say/explain a couple of um… things to you guys. First of all, you all looked so gorgeous at the wedding. Heather was so happy with how the plans and ceremony went on the ride to the airport Sunday morning- she was all smiles admiring her ring. I miss you all every single day. I know I am ‘down here’ but I feel like I need to share or ‘explain’ myself a bit and ask for support.
I know the awkward feeling of what it is like to look at me, but stay silent with you thoughts. Maybe you didn’t want to hurt my feelings, or maybe you were just as scared to approach me as the next person is, or maybe you have no idea what I am talking about. I do not ‘know’ how bad I look but I do get an idea when I see pictures and the uneasiness of being around people who use to mean so much to me and my life.
In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. Mine totally hit a hurricane when I dropped out of Frostburg even though I was already headed down a bad path prior to moving. I lost my ‘spirit’ and everything so ‘Mal’ about me. I lost my personality and my enjoyment in life.
I REALLY REALLY am not trying to burden any of you so please delete this e-mail if you do not want to read a pity party because I feel like I am writing one. But it is so hard for me to talk about my problem and I am attempting to take a ‘step’ and ask for support. Yes, I am crying right now at my desk at work haha. I have an eating disorder, anorexia- it is a mental disease and yes, I should probably be in the hospital with a feeding tube in me but I am determined to control and manage it on my own. I have tried the hospital and therapist only to relapse and essentially end up worse off.
No, I have NEVER ever thrown up my food, but I do have a knack for starving myself. I cannot describe really to you what it is like. I feel like it is my fault, although I have no control over it. I place the blame for it all on myself, even though it is a biologically inherited disease. I can’t seem to admit to myself I actually have a ‘disease’ I will wake up with every single day for the rest of my life. I keep getting caught up in the past because I am sad and ashamed of what I have put my body and self through.
I am dealing with regret and the shame of an eating disorder a lot lately too. The knee injury triggered it, mostly because I know if I hadn’t f-ed up with anorexia, my body would be stronger, and such retarded run of the mill daily activities would not injure me. I am so ungodly frustrated I cannot even portray the feeling to you. So much guilt built up, regardless of whether I think it is my ‘fault’ or not. I am simply pissed it happened, pissed it still gets to me, pissed I have incredibly bad days, pissed I give into ‘it’ sometimes. It is all frustrating.
Good Quote by the way- You ask me about regret? Let me tell you a few things about regret, my darling. There is no end to it. You cannot find the beginning of the chain that brought us from here to there. Should you regret the whole chain, and the air in between, or each link separately, as if you could uncouple them? Do you regret the beginning which ended so badly, or just the ending itself?
I wish I could be with you guys everyday and pass the day with you in serious, pointless and inconsequential chatter. I do miss you all and think of you very often. I don’t want to lose this happy space where I have found people who are smart and easy to have fun with. When you honestly ask yourself which people in our lives have meant the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
You guys are a connection to life for me, and I feel comfortable to be myself around you when my mind lets me. You’re all such a strong tie to my past and I am asking you to be part of the road to my recovery now and in the future- the part to sanity in a totally insane disease. It is not so much the help of you guys as the confidence I get from support. Let’s face it, friends make life a lot more fun. Anorexia makes life a living.
Ok… now I am bawling. Asking for help and talking about my feelings is so not me or a strong point I have. I do a lot, lot, lot of writing…EKK…I am nervous to share this with y’all but I will…. This is me beating around the bush about it….ok…
I wrote this the beginning of this year if I remember correctly. It kind of gives you an idea of what it is like, and I apologize so much if I am being a burden to any of you, really, you do not need to give me your support if you don’t want to I will understand. It is called Anorexia and Success:
What exactly does this imply? Exactly how does on become a successful anorexic. When I was so deep into my disease I wanted to figure out what to do with my life, I wanted to run and lift weights and I wanted to starve myself into misery because it was comfortable and made me feel successful while my life was going no where and was so undecided. I was not one of the lucky anorexics because I got deathly thin. Some people will starve themselves only to have their bodies rebound and gain weight, or refuse to go any lower in weight because their bodies simply shut down. Organs stop working, metabolism slows down to practically zilch and frustration sets in. This does not mean you’re not sick, oh, trust me. This just means your teeth are deteriorating, your bones are frail as a 90 year old lady, and your body parts fall asleep and cramps or goes numb in every casual position that exists. You can’t sleep at night because one half of your body goes numb lying on your side, your temples are thumping, and your mind is moving a million miles an hour. What will the scale say in the morning? How will you work off today’s food? What stunts will you have to pull to stay out of troubles way? And oh my God what will you not eat tomorrow? Sure, you’ll be dreaming of pastries, cakes and muffins but in reality you’ll take half an hour to much through a leaf of lettuce. But thin? Yes, you will be that. Thin and miserable. Thin and on the verge of death. Thin with a malfunctioning, deteriorating and destroyed body. Thin with a mind that doesn’t stop compulsive rituals, food habits and bizarre behaviors. It is impossible to stop it once it starts. Yeah, you might feel like you have it all with anorexia, but that is so far from the truth. The disease has you wrapped around its little finger always sitting on your shoulder waiting for you to fuck up so perfection is absolutely without question necessary. You can only eat the perfect food, the perfect meal and have the most pure logic in all of it. Well there’s your success. It does not exist. It never did. Anorexia is failure, at life and at a disease. The only way toward success is toward recovery, otherwise, deem yourself a failure.
Oh and why it turns out to be not really about how you look, how skinny you get or how low your weight becomes, it is about that control. And trust me, you’ll be skinny, your bones will protrude from your once feminine hips. Your so sickly thin that your collar bone and ribs are all countable along with ever bone on your fingers and feet. But that’s not you right? That girl you see in the mirror, in windows you pass…can’t be. You’re a fat slob you just checked. The mirror says so and anorexia abides by that sight. It screams at the rolls, the hanging skin, the blubbery legs and the big booty- your losing control. That is all you will see. Others will tell you to get help, your way to skinny, and that you look deathly ill. And you are just that. Deathly ill. If you do survive and decide to be a success it will be the damned hardest accomplishment you will ever make in your life. You wonder why people stare at you and you swear it is because you must be as big as two barns. Anorexia is hounding you for looking like the Michelin man. You are not attractive. Thin is not attractive. Huge sleepless circles under your eyes is not attractive. Pale and yellow discolored skin is not attractive. It never will be. It is failure. Health is success.
To go along with that pale pasty skin will be a monkey like hair growth. It will show up on your stomach, your face, and other areas where hair is not supposed to grow. This monkey fuzz is trying to protect your body from cold even when it is 100 degrees in the dead of summer and your freezing with goose bumps. People might not notice this and you might even be able to shave it off. But hey, it could be replacing all the hair on your head you are losing. That once full thick head of hair is now thin and falls out by the handful in that too hot of a shower you’re trying to warm up in. Or maybe it falls out all over your pillow at night because frankly, a shower is to exhausting for you and water just may absorb into your skin and result in fat. Good luck trying to stop it. Your hair is 6 months ahead of your failing health. Look into a wig and some good hair holders because you’ll need them with anorexia. And while you’re at it check out your nails. They are translucent in color and can bend and break in all ways. They are so brittle they practically stop growth from your fingers and toes.
They are all starring at you. Could it be they are so breathless after seeing your disgustingly thin body that they are speechless? But be careful, every wrong move will hurt you, and every misplacement of a body part will give you ungodly bruising. But you are use to the pain. It is numbing and comforting right? Success… Anorexia… don’t even attempt to be successful at this, don’t even try. The only success in anorexia is 6 feet under the ground. That is the finish line, the end, the God damned result of all this obsessing. You’ve totally lost all dignity you have for yourself. Say goodbye to self confidence and hello to a life of self hate. With your mustache, stomach fur, hairless head, and all the bones you can count you have absolutely nothing. But what do you care? You won’t even have the energy to get out of bed in to morning, to get dressed or to hold a job and attend school. This bright future of yours revolves around food, weight, counting, numbers, repeating it all over and over and over again. But everyone is wrong right? Your totally in control of this and strong. You make decisions for yourself. The world is full of weak people. They all want you fat.
Your life…. Just a small price to pay to keep anorexia around right? My God you will be depressed. Depressed beyond all conceivable knowledge. Nothing will matter to you. No one will be able to lift or change your spirits. You’re infertile, you’re dying, and you’re in control of all of it. Well, not actually you, but anorexia. It has taken over. Every aspect of your life. You try to make it through each day, constantly dozing off, having your heart occasionally race. You’ll have a hard time getting in that deep breathe as your mind is fluttering and your brain is zapping your consciousness throughout your sleepless nights. The longer anorexia is in control, the longer you are miserable, the more failure you have to make up from, and the closer to death you come.
Friends, college, life… all of it gone. Your concentrate on one thing: personal self control- food. You don’t need the rest right? You now have no friends, failing grades or no degree, and everyone is absolutely repulsed at the sight of you. You forget things and concentration is nonexistent. You’re anxious and jittery constantly tapping your feet, beating a pen or tapping your fingers together. Count, count you must. Control is all yours. Anyone entering your control bubble wants you fat- parents, friends, brothers and sisters. They are out to make you fat. You resent them and anorexia despises and hates them. This you are convinced of. Your room becomes your only safe haven. Everything else is triggering, scary and depressing. Your room is the only place you can ritualize, obsess and lie around thinking.
Anorexia will start convincing you life would just be peachier without you. You think about killing yourself but anorexia may just take care of it for you. Even if you decide to recover, anorexia just may kill you along the way because of how much damage you have done to your body. You’ll have a list of medical complications so deep you’re in debt with bills the rest of your life. You finally put some logical thought into this recovery thing? You’ll slip up, you’ll fall back, and if it doesn’t or hasn’t yet killed you, you sure will feel like life would be easier that way. You try so hard only to fall back because it is a lifelong process. Your body has been starved and suffering for a long time so expect getting better to take twice as long. Do you see the light at the end of the tunnel yet? Are you almost out? Where is that girl you se to be full of life, laughter and glow? She doesn’t exist, and that girl will not ever exist again. Anorexia plays such a toll on your body that you will never ever again be the person you once were. So you freak out and panic, slip back and start hating the world. You’re in so much pain but no one realizes it. You’re so vulnerable encompassed with rage because you realize…you realize anorexia will be with you forever. Pure. Panic. Headlines read that girl dies of anorexia. You remember that comfort you had, and reading the article brings memories back and tears to your eyes. Congratulations because your far enough along to have emotions again, it will hurt and I hope it hurts bad. You never want to go back there. Images and rituals pop through your head as you read it. How did you ever treat your body like that?
Remorse. You will feel it every day along side regret. You feel so badly for the pain and suffering you put other people through that there is no way to ever make it up to them. You lost your friends, you isolated yourself from your family and it was all about control. All about food and that skinny body you desired. You’ll feel yourself losing control again and want to starve because you are good at it. But guess what, you were never as out of control as you were with anorexia. Divorce her, she’s not beautiful, she is not in control and she is definitely not what you want. You were dying and there was nothing you could do about it. Knowing there is nothing you can God damned to about it is scary as shit. You won’t be able to see it, you don’t comprehend it and with recovery you’ll wish it was a part of your life you could play on repeat, backtrack and start over. There are no take backs in life. Hell, this may not even convince you to turn to help or start correcting your control. It is a comfort zone that starving is. Had you never started losing weight you never would be in this position to begin with. You biological predisposition never would have initiated the disease. but you cannot change that, you cannot go back and you have to go forward. What an overwhelming feeling. There is no pain like the pain you get with you are conscious enough to realize just what you have done to yourself and loved ones.
This is reality. This is anorexia. Be the change you wish to see.
Okay… so if you have read this far, I remind myself of recovery by reading this every so often. I know what I need to do, but what I am asking for is support and accountability. Since you probably have no idea what you can do from where you are to help me I will let you know a couple things that keep me going.
Once or twice a month, send me a text or e-mail asking me if I am eating well, holding myself accountable and moving FORWARD in recovery. That’s all. This is all I ask for. If you will support me in my recovery, I will forever be grateful and in such debt with all of you.
Thank you guys so much for being there for me throughout this whether you decide to support me or not you have impacted my life in such a way I can never repay, thank you for everything! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
Love Always, Mal
PS- I currently have a goal of 5-10 lbs I am trying to gain pre-surgery on my knee because I am incredibly scared to be put to sleep because I feel like I have put my body
AAAAAND PS, I received my NutraSalt from Healthy Fellow as a free giveaway and i LOVED the stuff. It is sea salt high in potassium, obviously an essential electrolyte and maintains homeostasis in the body. Great stuff…i cannot seem to find it around here. You can check out the salt here http://www.nutrasalt.com/ and Healthy Fellow here http://www.healthyfellow.com