If there ever was a time I am glad I started a blog, it is lately. You guys and your comments and support have meant so much to me. I read and reread the comments and force myself to well, better and keep on truckin… I have kinda sorta even set myself a goal. I don’t know how realistic it is, but I am trying to put on 5 lbs before surgery which is a little over 2 weeks. I know that is a lot, 2.5 lbs a week, but at the weight I am now, were ANYTHING to go wrong with me, my body or surgery, I would not be okay. I teeter on the okay weight. If I gain 5 lbs I will at least have some sort of security and comfort push. I don’t know if I have explained this to yall but here goes. I have on fear, like anxiety-stress provoking lose my breath fear. It is doctors and dentists. Last time I went for dental work after the nova cane shot I had a panic attack and had to leave. Being under ANYTHING, even Tylenol, or Advil absolutely scares the living daylights out of me. I cannot and will not take ANYTHING. I have racked up anti-inflammatory meds and pain meds at Wal-Mart right now, about 5 prescriptions worth. Surgery is causing me so much stress because I have to get ‘put under’ to have it, and there’s lots of medicine involved… IM FREAKING OUT. It’s not about the pain. If I could I wouldn’t let them put me under I would deal with the pain. Pain doesn’t bother me. Anything foreign in entering my body drives me insane. I am so-so scared.

I tell this to people and they think I am looney because normal people are scared to heights and spiders… I am incredibly losing sleep and freaking about being put to sleep, or my body being altered/enhanced by any substance. No idea why I have this fear or where it came from. Anyways, I’m still sick of being blamed for everything but I decided the best thing to do was set myself my 5lb goal, and ignore my family for the next 2 weeks. I can take care of myself and I sure as hell don’t do any better when I am being told how much I royally suck at life 24/7.

So a lil random survey and questions I got in an e-mail…

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

Hah I have so many jackets on my door hanger it doesn’t shut.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?

No… very picky about hair products… usually use coconut oil

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

OMG OUT….talk about annoyance I cannot stand my feet under the sheets. They have to stick out!

4. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees?

Really? Neither haha but if it came down to it I think the bear…at least if I kill him I could eat him!

5. Do you have freckles?

Nope. A few sorta when I get reaaallllly tan but they’re not noticeable.

6. What is your biggest pet peeve?

Slow people (not retarded), people who have to stand nose-to-nose to talk to you, space cadets

7. Have you ever peed in the woods?

Oh yeah. Use to go crabbing/camping on the bay…only place to go! Also when I use to be a big runner I would go out and if I had to ‘go’ while I was out I just ran in the woods!

8. Do you ever dance if there’s no music playing?

Haha yea…kinda like I talk to myself when no ones around.

9. Do you chew your pens and pencils?

Pens yes…even other people’s lol which I end up being given.

10. Is it ok for guys to wear pink?

Eh…occasionally…VERY occasionally and they have to be able to pull it off.

11. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

Don’t eat them but when I did massive gobs of amounts of honey mustard. Arby’s was my favorite.

12. What is your favorite food?

Always changing…coconut milk or scrambled eggs in butter

13. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

Wow I have only ever seen a handful of movies. Notebook, A Beautiful Mind…cant think of anymore

14. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

Haha no I made fun of them and thought they were dorks L sorry brownies lol

15. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

No, I have to much respect for my family for that

16. Can you change the oil on a car?

Yup sure can. Not that I do lol but I have been schooled on how to.

17. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?

Yeah.. two actually. Second was BS b/c I had just moved to MS and was being pulled over left and right for having MD tags and being questioned on ‘why I talk funny’ and ‘have I been drinkin’ and ‘you aint from round here are ya’ ….well no dipshit you saw my car tags… haha

18. Ever ran out of gas?

No…that would suck though

19. Are you lazy?

Lately yes…and am learning the lazier you are the lazier you feel…IT BLOWS

20. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?

Ninja Turtle one year(I have 2 brothers lol), old dance costumes, a skeleton…cant remember anymore

21. How many languages can you speak?

English and Spanish… I put the Mexicans in their place when they start commenting when I am at wal-mart(they always seem to be there lol)

22. Who is better…Leno or Letterman?

I’ve never watched either so I’ll say neither. Bill O’reilly though, he’s my man.

23. Do you sing in the car?

Yes, and I have neither a working radio or sound device…hahah

24. Ever eat a pierogi?

WTF is a pierogi????

25. First concert?

To be had…never been to one. Had planned to go to Jason Aldean and that day I got a horrible case of the #2’s and couldn’t be away from a bathroom… only time I have been sick in like 5 years, on THAT F-ING day

Where would you be able to spend hours and be happy?

Beach/gulf/shore….anything beach related and hot

What’s your favorite kind of doughnut?

I don’t eat doughnuts- but as a child I use to eat 4 dunkin donuts every Sunday after church. One coconut crusted, one glaze, one Bavarian cream, and one chocolate-choco something…wow I cant believe I still remember that… with about a gallon of whole milk… yea I was no starving child lol. My brothers and I did this every Sunday.

Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

Ears and belly… I would never ink my body

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

This guy James I work with to take me to get my car in the shop! Bye bye $400…burnt a hole through my pocket!

Are you still friends with the people you knew in middle school or high school?

Maybe 2 or 3 of them… I wasn’t a ‘popular’ person in high school but for some reason I musta changed cuz everyone wants to be my friend(I don’t play that game sorry lol)… very shy even though I had been a lifelong cheerleader. I was very restricted and sheltered by my parents and wasn’t allowed to ‘go out’ so I didn’t get to go to parties, drinking etc etc.

What is the last thing you ate?

A huge bowl of coconut cream, coconut milk, Greek yogurt all combined…tasted like ice cream heaven… or something

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Professional backup dancer, like for Britney Spears….still my dream

Name three things that are close to you:

Coffee cup, cell phone, pile of repair orders I have to get in today lol

What was your best subject in school?

Psychology & sociology

What is your favorite restaurant?

Wendy’s b/c their burgers are fresh ground beef… but I rarely if ever eat out

Any hidden talents?

Can you call a twisted mind a hidden talent?

What is your favorite girl’s name?

Skylar or Rae

Would you rather be a rock star or a famous athlete?

Athlete hands down…not musically inclined

What are you wearing right now?

Knee length leggings, a black turtle neck tee, and a wide stripe skirt with white, silver and black…and flippers b/c I cant wear heels…stupid knee

Did you graduate from college?

Not yet- yea I suck like that. Have dropped out like 4-5 times now

Do you have any nicknames?

Mal, Spaz, Malibu

How do YOU de-stress?

No idea currently…use to walk in the sun.. now I cant walk so I sit with my bottled up stress and emotions…hence the recent psycho-inclined struggling posts…

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without food?

Hmmm…if coffee and diet soda don’t count prolly a few days…if they do… 60ish hours…this is a guess I don’t remember anything from when I was deeply entrenched

Have you ever been in a situation or have had something happen to you that you thought was too good to be true but actually turned out TO be true?

I found $200 on the ground at the gas station on my way Christmas shopping one year. I felt so guilty convincing myself that I was going to hell for finding it that I gave $100 to the church donation box and gave the other $100 back to the gas station man if anyone claimed it. Then no one did, I had the $100 again, felt guilty, and spent it on food for a Christmas food drive with a couple odd gifts for poor families Christmas’. I am not good with things that are ‘too good to be true’. I always feel guilty.

If you were on death row and your final meal was being delivered to you before you die, what would it include?

Oh wow… nutrition aside on this one because I am dying after I eat haha…lemme think…we are going to assume I get breakfast, lunch and dinner lol just for shits and giggles…

            Breakfast- Homemade chip beef gravy and homemade biscuits, bacon, French vanilla cappuccino with a few shots of Irish cream liquor (didn’t say I couldn’t drink)

            Lunch- Steak and cheese sub….American cheese and Velveeta on it, airy sub bread, ONLY steak and cheese (no toppings), an entire steamed winter squash with salt, vinegar and ketchup, Pina Colada with double shots(I am going out in style lol)

            Dinner-  Grilled Chicken Quesadilla slathered with this chipotle cream cheese spread my mom makes on a huge tortilla grilled with butter, a bigass sweet potato roasted forever in the oven with butter, cinnamon and fresh whipped cream, huge bowl of rice/broccoli/Velveeta cheese casserole, fresh blended frozen strawberry daiquiri double shots (will be definitely drunk when I die haha)

            Dessert- 5 Reese’s Eggs or Trees(the holiday ones), can of honey roasted mixed nuts, carrot cake with cream cheese icing made by my mom, white chocolate chip/peanut butter chip homemade cookies

Haha oh my… I would be drunk and sickly full if I was on death row!

Think about it, if you were stuck with a life sentence the rest of your life, what would your ‘dying meal’ be? I would love to hear other people’s responses!