I need knee surgery

This remind me of how much anorexia fucks you up

I cry

I am sad

I feel depressed

I cannot undo the past

I am so ashamed of my past

It feels like it is all my fault

My parents think it is all my fault

I must have brought anorexia on myself

I must have chosen to be anorexic

My brother asks how my appointment went

I tell him I am ashamed, guilty and pissed I need surgery

I told him I am ashamed I put my body through so much for so long

He says I brought it on my self

He informs me I suck at life and my recovery

He further told me I bring everything on myself

He tells me that calling anorexia a mental illness it a cop out and excuse

He reminds me my family worries about me 24/7

He adds more shame and guilt

The remorse builds up

I hate myself and I hate my mind

I hate this stress

I hate starving

I hate my brother’s words but I convince myself he is right

I am so confused

I cry at work

I cry in my car

I would rather be dead than anorexic

Nobody understands…nobody ever will

…my knee hurts