I hate this immobilizer. 8 days left. I want it off. I am going psychotic. I cry a lot. I am frustrated. I am angry. I think I have gained 20 lbs. I haven’t moved, nor have I taken this ungodly uncomfortable stupid ass thing off. I surely do not want knee problems for the rest of my life, but somehow the rest of my life has nothing to do with the fact that I NEED TO MOVE right now. I need to get up, jump around, get exhausted, and I would be fine. But no. I sit. I get driven to and from work. Then I sit some more. Then I sleep (not really b/c I am not tired). I HATE THIS. I want to bend my knee. I was prescribed 3 pain pills….they are still sitting at the pharmacy b/c I absolutely refuse to take anything prescribed to me by a doctor- don’t care what it is or what it will “help or cure” I am not taking medicine or pain killers. Stubborn yes… but whatever I will live. Anyways… besides my mind screaming at the top of it’s lungs regarding how fat I am getting sitting 24 hrs a day…

I feel like recovery would be fine in essence if I weighed less or I wasn’t constantly trying to meet some goal, accomplish some task. If I just got OVER IT already and on with life I really truly think I would be just fine. But I can’t seem to get past “it” whatever the hell it is. I am MUCH more productive when I weigh less I won’t lie. With more weight I have all day to sit around and worry and wonder where the food is going and freak about getting pudgy. I get so annoyed with my mind that I just want to clear it, starve and lose weight. But I can’t and I won’t. I hate this- a lot. I am healthy, functioning, and happy but I just feel so incredibly weighed down {as Jessie http://synecdocheblog.blogspot.com/2010/04/flashback-post-all-my-own.html put it}. Like I am never going to be “good enough” and I will never really find the happiness I desire. But maybe I desire too much, or maybe I expect too much. Set myself up for failure? I don’t know.

“They bring it on themselves”

What do you guys think about this? Do we bring on eating disorders ourselves? I believe in the biological component of eating disorders and the trend in mental problems/anxiety/stress in families which are hereditary. Further though, I have been told my disorder is totally my fault, self absorbed, and a totally selfish practice done by myself. Is this true? Anorexia is incredibly selfish, but people preach selfishness and being self-absorbed in the disease like we have a fucking choice. Excuse my language, but I am pretty sure when I weighed XXlbs I was not on a mission to be selfish. I am not sure what I was, but I sure as hell did not think highly of myself. Anorexia to me was always about self hate, but was I just feeling sorry for myself? People who do not have eating disorders don’t realize that the things they say like the selfishness and you’re just feeling sorry for yourself hurt. Is suffering the equivalent of self loathing? I never felt sorry for myself. I hated myself. I hated everything about my existence. I did not deserve happiness. I did not deserve food. I deserved punishment, starvation and secluded-ness. That it is. I dunno this was just kind of a rant I suppose. Anorexia was not my choice. Nowadays I don’t even feel like I was ever “that bad off” either. Considering how I look, no one would think of me as a once-suffering-pale and dying flamingo-legged stick.

“ED purgatory”

Purgatory; n—any condition or place of temporary punishment, suffering, expiation, or the like.

If there is a place called ED purgatory on the way to recovery I am sitting there right now, balancing and see-sawing between whether I want to gain more weight or whether I feel fine. I feel fine, I look fine, I have plenty of energy, I eat well and I sleep well. I do my job well, I socialize, and I “sort of” am in a relationship- with a very attractive guy too! I guess I always kinda thought recovering was going to bring on this brave new world of excitement, fear, food, and so much MORE. But my life is relatively the same as it was, just now I am an active part of it. Its strange. I think I built myself up for recovery to be this huge big deal where there are leprechauns running around and unicorns flying through the sky. Life is the same. I hold the same job even though I am much more productive now. I envisioned this unattainable world and fantasy of an illusion with recovery and it doesn’t exist. Nor do I think it is attainable to reach. Is this good or bad? What did I really expect out of recovery? I will always “be me” and when I am healthy, ME is a wonderful, outgoing, loud, quirky, clumsy, easy-going girl who like to go out, loveeeeeessss to dance, likes to walk in the sun, likes to lay by the pool and grill food in the summer.  But I am in the funk where I feel like there is MORE to it than this, and I am MUCH better than I was. I am still obsessed with my body image. I still see myself as a chubbster but I can get on with life now. I disregard what I “see” and go through the day. See the seesawing in my thoughts? I am stressed beyond belief right now with this sedentary-leg-hitched-up-on-a-chair all waking hours of the day thing. 8 more days…..8….longest days of my life.

My co-workers wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor like 6 years ago. She got her yearly scan this week and came to find out it has grown 10 times it’s size in the past year. She gets surgery in June to remove it. I felt about this big when James told me. I was complaining about my knee in my head and he comes up and tells me this. Puts things into perspective. While I haven’t vocally complained to anyone- that aint my style. I am more shut up and get on with life- I have been so frustrated and angered with myself that hearing this ACTUAL sad news is heart breaking. Her surgery is right next to her cerebellum, which has a lot to do with motor controls. Bless her heart, I have her in my prayers.

By the way, I found out, the eating disorder equivalent of cancer in terms of mortality rates shows far more young women die of eds than cancer. “The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate of ALL causes of death for females 15 – 24 years old.” http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/anorexia/statistics.htm

Well, that’s about all I have to update at the moment. I am very much going nutty in my head but living my life. I cannot wait to get this stupid brace off and move again. I AM PRAYING I DON’T NEED SURGERY- if I do… call it the end all be all I will take up walking on my hands or something.

A few things I am grateful for lately…

*I didn’t get weighed at the ER when I got my knee taken care of*

*I know my weight and I am considered rather healthy if I was a runner, but regress, I am not*

*Family is healthy, brother graduates college in May even though this makes me realize how much of a failure I am for starting and dropping out like 5 times*

*I don’t get sick- ever. I don’t get headaches- ever.

*Our economy blows, our government blows, but I have a JOB!

And for you work-out freaks I wish I could be (sort of pun intended) I found 2 really good reviews I actually agree with regarding diet and workouts… check them out!

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2564387/?tool=pubmed

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2564387/?tool=pubmed#ref79

And last but not least some food stuffs…

I have been using the crockpot like 24/7 making ginormous roasts of either cow or pig… and simply adding a vegetable side. Cheap & easy. Have also FOUND some organic raw cream cheese… to die for… hoping it wont break me out but with my mental sit-still stress I have a few spots anyways..grr, wont be getting it but for special occasion anyway it is expensive and ya don’t get much.

Update! I got a Beautiful Blogger Award from Tori at http://daring2dance.blogspot.com/ check our her blog. She’s a doll! So to answer the questions…

1. What physical feature do you love about yourself?

My height & traits. I am tall, tan, dark hair and dark eyes. I like my long legs too, especially when they are toned

 2. How do you personally take care of yourself?

Body Wise: I am a freak about using this incredibly THICK vitamin A&D lotion on my skin. I lean toward the dry skin side in the summer with the pool. This lotion(sold in Wal-mart generic stuff right by the baby butt lotion lol) leaves my skin SO soft and SO smooth. I always keep my brows plucked/waxed and toes done as well.

Non-body Wise: Every morning after my alarm goes off I stretch out long and take at least 10 deep slow breaths. Calms me down and helps me focus on a new day. I also stretch every single day because I am a fan of flexibility especially since I got long limbs.

 3. What are you looking forward to?

MY DRESS for the wedding I am in, in a few weeks came in today! My mom text me to tell me and I am going to try it on when I get off work! Also, in a more future look, I anxiously anticipate the return of my period.

 4. Who has aided your recovery the most?

My mom, hands down. She is the most level headed yet opinionated conservative coon ass I have ever come across. She is just amazing. One of those people you can tell your life story to and know it is “in the vault.” She deals with problems right here, right now and things to not stay up in the air. A quality I admire. I tend to blow things off and they build up so much I eventually break. She lives life figuring out what she can do for OTHERS and gets her happiness and satisfaction in life from it.

Side Note: we disagree a lot and I get so pissed when she calls me out on stuff and lets me know just “how it is” or when she “has it out with me” but when I put it in perspective, damnit, she is always firkin right. Best advice in the world too.

Side Note 2: my biggest fear in the whole entire world is something happening to my mom.

 5. What was the last thing you ate?

½ avocado, some zucchini and left over steak mixed with chives & sour cream AKA lunch

 6. What is one material thing you are dying to have right now?

Ehh material? Bleh not my thing, I hate material people. I love fashion don’t get me wrong, but I NEVER follow trend. I make a point to NOT buy the seasonal style. I do what I like and wear what I think is cute. I do desperately desperately need a new car if that counts. Also another skirt because I am out and with this brace skirts are easiest to work in and hitch up my knee on!

 7. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

Germany and France. Germany to see the war shores and history with war and France to experience the cultural cuisine. Lamb, real raw cheeses. Savory dense meals. Lots of meat! I would be in heaven.

 8. What is/was your biggest fear food and how/did you conquer it?

Easy again haha. Anything that comes in a bag/container/prepacked. I don’t and wont eat ANY sort of “bar” even is it is all “natural.” If I cannot grow it or raise it in my back yard then I will not eat it. think I should marry a farmer?

 9. What are your dreams after ED?

Marriage, children…. Good sex, summers in the sun with good cold brewskies and good music. Raising well rounded healthy children and being an amazing housewife.

 10. What advice would you give someone concerning eating disorders?

If you can’t take it, give your trust to someone who can. You are what you let yourself become. Be the change you wish to seek.

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