Does anyone ever write posts in their head while they lie in bed at night? I do this, almost every single night and I come up with very thought provoking posts only to forget them in the morning. I think I should start getting up and typing as I am having these “mind conversations.” I hope I am not the only one. Well first and foremost as I have skimmed round and about the blog world when I should be working I see FAGE FAGE EVERYWHERE. Given, y’all eat the Fage 0 or Fage 2% (I don’t know why). Well, I went to the FAGE site to try and find a retailer down here who sells this darn stuff only to be told I would have to drive like 5 hours to Louisiana to find any. So, hopes and dreams of trying FAGE diminished. I stopped at the market last night after dinner and low and behold they had FAGE 0, FAGE 2% AND FAGE TOTAL!!!! These little 6oz (I think?) containers. There were only 2 FAGE TOTALS and I grabbed up both. Freeeeeeeeeeeeeaking expensive (like 3$ a container!), so I had chicken livers and onions for dinner. That meal costs about 50 cents haha. Have I ever told you I am wildly obsessed with chicken livers? They are like one of my all time favorite foods- like since I was 3 years old. Yumm…they are amazingly good for you too. High in vitamin A, D, all the B vitamins, folic acid, zinc and so much more! Try them, fry them in butter, eat them. Nom nom…
Also, no offense to the vegans out there but I got my daily laugh at some vegan website the other day. Whoever it was, bless her heart, does not agree obviously with eating animals. She calls the fish “her friends” and she goes around and feeds “her friends.” Mmmkay, first I have better things to do like blog work than feed fish. Second, the ONLY reason I would ever take it upon myself to feed a fish would be to make it fat so I could then kill it and eat it. I thought this fish feeding followed by my fish killing thought was just the funniest thing ever. Yeah, I need to get out more often.
Next up, got to thinking and what else is new. Ended up confusing myself ten ways to Sunday. It began with me trying to get over and change the ED thoughts. But the more I tried to understand where they came from, how they got there, and why I have them, the more I convinced myself that I place those thoughts there and I allow them to occur. But is that really the truth? Do we all choose our thoughts or do our thoughts occur subconsciously. For example, every single morning I have this routine of thoughts play over in my mind like this…
-alarm goes off
-turn off alarm, assume I gained weight from the food I ate the prior day
– stretch in bed while my mind tells me I am fat
– decide I will not wear a form fitting outfit of any kind to work because clothes cant touch my belly
– argue about getting on the scale or not
– look in mirror, call self fat
– drink some water so I will not get on the scale b/c now it wont be accurate
EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. As soon as I wake up I am being told I am fat, gained weight, etc. Ridiculous. So, am I controlling this? That’s what I am trying to figure out. It is almost predetermined, routine, and in a bizarre freaky way comfortable. I expect these thoughts and actions to occur, and I expect that I will gain weight simply on the premise that I ate food. My mind is running a million miles an hour as soon as I am up.
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. I think about my thoughts. Make any sense? Like I am thinking about what I am thinking about. I wonder if it is normal. I wonder if other people have the same thoughts I have. I once heard that even if you think your wildest thought is obscure or bizarre, someone else has already thought it. I don’t know I don’t have much expansion on this.
Have been wondering lately if I accept myself. If all these nasty thoughts of being fat and needing to be in control of food cross my mind so often, it may just be that I am not accepting myself. That would mean I am rejecting recovery. I suffice to say this is probably an insecurity in recovery and the fear of rejecting or disapproving what I may end up as, or what I may accomplish.
This makes no sense because I want recovery and I accept what has come with it. but me as a person, do I accept that person and who she is turning into? As an insecure person, I obviously fear rejection and this turns into believing I am unacceptable. So stay with me. If I in fact think I am unacceptable, then I am correct in “thinking” I am going to feel badly. If these thoughts and feelings did not occur, then I would be wrong to say I am unacceptable and I would in fact find myself acceptable.
So where is the mistake in here? There has got to be one. How do you deal with rejection and how do you turn the unacceptable in to acceptable. What a strange and confusing phenomenon- rejection. Maybe it is a misunderstanding and I am incorrectly interpreting all this but I think I go wrong somewhere in this never ending thought process.
For example, in recovery an outsider can “tell you” that you need to eat, you need to gain. This is important because right here is where many go wrong. Telling someone that it means nothing to gain weight, you need not worry about food, and you should just eat the plate of ____(insert fear food) simply doesn’t and wont work because it is not believable. Every suffer head over heels believes that ____(insert fear food/recovery) is a failure to achieve and cannot wrap their minds around the equation of food to fat. So being told not to worry is unbelievable, but is does mean something. It matters how a person contrasts what they are told with what they are led to believe it to mean. Again, sometimes convincing yourself that recovery is necessary is appropriate and a reminder to yourself so that you don’t feel badly about the process or yourself.
The conclusions you and I draw from recovery is a disordered state with conflict with its intuitions about the situation. So in many cases, it may be the situation itself or the intuition itself that lead you or I to feel badly about ourselves. This is a hard concept to grasp because for the most part individuals are convinced of what they convince themselves of. They have a very hard time coming to terms with believing that their outlook on a situation can be incorrect. We make excuses and assumptions to make our view acceptable when this didn’t need to occur nor be established. Almost like we are defending ourselves because of our thoughts, to comfort our minds.
Sometimes my thoughts are conscious in that I really SEE a fat person. These simply result in interpretations, but usually automatic and unconscious ones. That is to say, intuitions. My mistake- reasoning from my intuitions as assumptions. Well, just answered the question I had earlier.
My thoughts are so routine and comfortable to me it absolutely compels me to consider a difference and this makes it difficult and scary to challenge them. If I don’t challenge the fear of I suppose, accepting myself and finding myself, I will have to live with the belief I am inadequate. Two choices in this- either those intuitions have to be refuted or I have to accept inferiority, unworthiness, inadequacy. When I face the challenge though I feel shame in my results. Geez this is so confusing. I really decipher myself to much. This desk job has me analyzing the hell out of the mind and thought process.
These subconscious intuitions, while not deliberate thoughts are nonetheless still vitally important because they still host the truth. Consistency and non-contradiction is what makes my thoughts truth to me. Start questioning the truth in your mind. In recovery, we need not fear questioning our thoughts, conscious or not and must hold a rather skeptical view on a lot of things. From peoples comments, to food choices, to trust in doctors, to trust in weight gain (we don’t gain forever), to trust in oneself and ones own body.
I understand the “power of positive thinking” that some nut job psychologists talk about and I do think part of what positive thinking is holds true. But when I sit down, I think about my thoughts, and I question their validity in my life and my recovery it becomes absolutely preposterous to assume that positive thinking is going to change anything. I would not have to “positively think” if I hadn’t had the preceding thought I did have and have to re-think it now. That seems so preposterous to the human mind, as it does not work like that.
There is no prescription for happiness. Our thoughts are going to come to us regardless. Sometimes they are amazing, life changing good thoughts and sometimes they are unwanted and horrendous. The only way I see to change my thoughts is to change what I believe. I need to convince myself other than what I believe now…. Whatta challenge.
I am sooo sorry this is probably over the heads of so many people, but I am a very deep thinker and when my mind gets goin, it goes… any thoughts?
Edit to ADD!! I have a very cute flower in my hair today I would like to show off
and remember that 5K last friday i WALKED!? Here’s my outfit lol