My emotions seem to be going from one extreme to the next. I don’t really think in all truthfulness that this has ANYTHING to do with the boy either. It’s like I cannot trust any of my thoughts, any of my actions, let alone trust myself. I keep getting caught up and lost in thought and preoccupation. It’s like crazy water rapids gone haywire. One minute I am happy, smiling when I think of Jedd. The next, I am horrified that a guy can actually be interested in me because I am not even YET interested in myself. I get frustrated and would deem it a worthy cause to invest in a punching bag.
What I realized with my last post may just be the root of my eating disorder and anorexia. Thank God for y’alls comments and thank God I blog. Taking into consideration the obscene amount of times in my life I have been approached in a sexually harassing manner (not even half in the last post), I think once I “developed” my obsession with dieting in college. I learned once I was sucked in by anorexia, so many things about control and abuse. I learned that the thinner I got, the less harassed I was sexually by males. I learned that the skinnier I got the calmer I got. I learned the more weight I lost, the more control I kept, and the more able to live day-to-day free from attention I could become. I think that is why I starved myself. Beyond my need for control, I wanted to be shunned by males because I was so fucking sick and tired of being treated like a sex toy or object. I never expected to put these two concepts together, but it makes sense. I was calm with anorexia because the only thing I had to deal with was the disease itself. I could not in life control many things like my money situation, my grades to an extent, and I definitely had no control over how males in public or the workplace would approach me. That is, was, and will always be out of my control. The less I weigh the less it happens. That is comforting to my disordered mind. I have realized how much worse this constant attention thing has gotten since I have put on weight, wince I have come out from hiding and put myself out there. Moving helped me get outta my shell and develop more regular meal patterns and times. Moving also forces me into public a lot more often and to go out because I cannot stand my small house. However, starting last week when I was enjoying the sunset on my front porch only to notice my drunk African American neighbor come out of his house look at me and proceed to march in this God awfully scary fashion right at me yelling obscenities forcing me to run in my house slam the door and lock it (not to mention I was home alone) and continuing into this week being twice approach by grown men I work with via the telephone asking me to come and get drunk with them and lodge in their hotel rooms.
The result of this at first was my disgust and absolutely astoundingly obnoxious anger. I flipped. Then I got scared. Anorexia has been reminding me all day and all night every day for the last week of how “safe” I was with it. I won’t lie when I say my eating has been skewed and my intake low the last week. I am scared. I do not have any idea how to handle this attention. I do not gloat, but I was approached 3 times at the post office this week being questioned if I was a model by complete strangers. I GET SO FRIKING uneasy and scared when this happens. To me it is NOT a good thing. . I accept it as a compliment and say thank you, but the fucking ED rears outta the closet and boggles my mind literally all day and night. I was a sweaty restless mess last night. I could not figure out if I wanted to scream or to cry. At the grocery store last night the flipping butcher was trying to get the 411 on me. A grown 50 some year old man, asking my address, if I live alone, if I know a lot of people around here. C’mon CREEPER ALERT. This seems to happen to me 24/7!!!!GRRRR
Do I like set myself up for this? What the hell am I doing causing these things to happen practically everyday? I am so uncomfortable in my own body and skin I shun at the idea of going out and being starred at in public. I am uneasy the entire time I am IN public. Why is this so hard and WHY do people act this way?? I need a plan but it is not like I am UNAWARE of the problem, I just do not know how to fix it. I mean I carry mace and pepper spray with me everywhere in my purse. I could try taking a self-defense class maybe to learn and help trust myself, however I in no way at all have money to spend right now.
It’s like right when I am starting to become confident in myself, take pride in eating and my body for whatever it turns out to be, I am slapped in the face with ED memories, torment and this weird un-acceptance of creeper people. I am so uncomfortable, anxious frustrated and confused right now that I just want to rest. I am in such a mental mess that regardless of what occurs during the day, Jedd could send me flowers to work and I would somehow twist it into he’s a freak he just wants to sleep with me when it is so far from the truth but that thought nonetheless would enter my disordered mind.
Chugging along with weight gain may be a good thing for anorexia itself, and I could even say I do NOT care where my weight ends up even though I am still convinced I am forever bounded to gaining weight like it will never end. Everyone experiences this, but how do you deal with the new attention. It is scary. I want to be alone but I don’t. I want recovery and I CAN do it on my own, but I don’t want to have to do it on my own. I want to try and explain this to my mom, but at the same time I don’t. I do not HAVE A FRIKIN clue what I want!??!
I am so guarded right now. My creeper alert is out. I want a bubble/fence around me and I do not want to be approachable or attainable by any public person. It is safe when I am alone and by myself. I only have my mind and my real self to deal with. At the moment, my mind and myself are on two totally different lily pads. Support doesn’t come when you’re “checked” out 50 times a day by co-workers or even going in Wal-mart to get laundry detergent. I even went in there to get canned tuna, not detergent, yet skipped the tuna after being followed by a creeper and got laundry detergent. The last thing I wanted was food. This will not work. It keeps me isolated, disordered and in the end lonely and alone. I do not need that right now.
I do know part of recovery is letting people in but I simply do not have any trust in PEOPLE so I cannot let them in. Regarding Jedd, I would love to crush on him day in and day out sending cutsie text messages and what not, but I do not trust myself. I do not see myself as likable or do-able. If I do not trust me, then I know I will never trust him. I can come up with excuses, ridiculously stupid and out-there excuses to not like him. I will mentally make up reasons not to like him. Just so I prove to myself I am better off alone and not having to deal with opening up to a guy, accepting he likes me, and putting my trust, MY TRUST into someone else. Replacing this compulsive fear with starving is not going to help me. If anything it will exacerbate me right back to the hell hole of disordered life I use to live. I do not want to live on the verge of death everyday simply because some people’s mamas did NOT raise them right.
Forgiveness…is it possible I need to forgive the people who shun me and disrespect me? I thought a lot of recovery was forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made, accepting the past and moving on but maybe I need to relinquish this fear by forgiving and accepting these past and present occurrences, no matter how against forgiving these people I feel.
What do you think? I do not want to have to hit rock bottom to realize men will be men or society simply needed their asses paddled as children. It annoys me that the ED makes sense right now and feels like a viable solution.
I will stick out my meal plan I made today to try and calm my mind because I DO NEED nourishment, if not for myself, to prove I can be a beautiful, intelligent, self deprivated, selfless wonderful human being for the world to see.
Maybe I need some work standing up for myself. Do I carry myself wrongly in public? This is MY body and I need to respect it, and maybe others will stop disrespecting it. I want to find that comfortable place free from ED and learn to live happily there. I run a risk of being approachable, but so what, obviously past experience has told me the such IS life. It is better taking the risk having to deal with possible relapses and side affects from never fully recovering for the rest of my life. I can only get so many “go’s” in this ONE life. I am deathly afraid of ever even being able to physically survive being “back there” in anorexia. In my mind relapse is guaranteed death and I WILL NOT go back.
Take this as a learning experience and part of growing up? I suppose but that is a bit hard to accept.
Maybe this even ties into finding my identity away from anorexia, as part of recovery. I am no longer and connot even view myself as capable of anorexia. It simply will not be a possibility. This new identity, ED free has got to be figured out and dealt with. I think I will trust this new person, accept this new person, and hopefully build a world of confidence in this new person. I get sad knowing I am leaving anorexia, but at the same time I am sad if the life ahead of me is full of bullshit comments, prepositions, and harassment. Damnit, I never asked for any of this. But I gotta “deal the hand I have been dealt.”
I have so much potential and I need to live up to it.
*STAY OFF the scale and stay fed is my ONLY goal this week. The scale, a lower number gives me safety and control and I am forcing myself to be in safe control with my food, my ability to stay off the scale, and properly nourish myself*
This is why, according to Vin Miller: A balanced and healthy mental state is dependent on proper brain function which, in turn, is dependent on the ability of brain cells to consistently metabolize an adequate amount of energy. Without a steady supply of energy, brain function is likely to become impaired and abnormal emotions are likely to result. There’s no doubt that many people are suffering from undesirable mental symptoms, but psychiatric medications are rarely the best solution. In more cases than most people realize, symptoms such as depression, irritability, anxiety, and even forgetfulness are caused by lifestyle factors. Diet in particular has an especially strong effect on mood. Other lifestyle factors that can significantly improve mental wellness include stress management, good sleep habits, regular exercise, having a positive perspective on life, living with passion, and even sun exposure. These should be among the first things considered by people who are unhappy with their mental wellness, but unfortunately, it’s rare for a psychiatrist to recommend such solutions. Instead, they prescribe drugs that often create the need to prescribe additional drugs to deal with side effects and start a downward spiral that keeps the drug industry happy and the patient at risk and in poor health. Not every mental symptom can be corrected through healthier lifestyle habits, but many of them can. Before improving my health, irritability, discontent, anxiety, and depression were all problems for me and I’m sure that I could have easily gotten a prescription for these issues if I had chosen to see a physician or psychiatrist about them. Instead, through the benefits of living a healthy lifestyle, I’ve minimized these symptoms to the point of them not being a concern at all.
“When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, every day a little, suddenly the work will finish itself.”
– Isak Dinesen