Stress, butterflies in the belly, anxiousness… I have been experiencing this for the past 48 hours. My head is in la-la land while I am totally crushing a boy however at the same time I am scared. I do this EVERYTIME I get into a guy. I flirt, we like each other, we have a date and get to talking. I immediately convince myself thereafter that I am not good enough, that he is a player, and that I am ungodly scared of being hurt. Being hurt by a guy has been the sole reason for me to be single for so long. I do not, and fear greatly dealing with rejection, with pain and with hurt. It causes me to stress 24/7 and to obsess ALL the firkin time.

Not just over him, or every minute detail of every conversation we have, but over everything at my job, my food, right down to my breathing. Like I literally take a mental note of my breathing and get caught up in counting my breaths. For some reason my mind is somewhat eased if I count in syllables of eight. Anything, and I mean anything I will count in groups or sets of eight. It is so weird but I have been like this for as long as I can remember. It may be from some 18 years of dancing where everything is rounded off to count 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8…who knows. It annoys me though. The stress all bases itself around trust. I have such a hard time trusting anyone.

Hell, I took on recovery myself because I do not trust the professionals, I do not trust my own firkin parents in my recovery and I surely take a hell of a long time to adjust and trust a guy. I do however; trust myself, which leaves ONE secure feeling for me. But allowing someone else into “me” and my life? Total chaos in the meat head of mine.

Why cannot I give anybody or any guy a chance? I mean, like most people I have yet to be in a relationship where I wasn’t hurt or didn’t do the hurting(obviously because I am not yet married) but it hasn’t been something so traumatic that I have no gotten over it. I am not attached to any guy or person from my past relationships so why can’t get seem to bite the bullet and open the BLEEEEP _____ up!?? I have throughout this day (sitting behind a desk 8 hours does not help my constant pacing and racing mind), convinced myself he is a player, he will hurt me, and I need to just start ignoring him. So frustrating because I do this with EVERY guy. I really like this one too so I am trying my best to pursue it. grrr.

Yeah there are pros and cons to him. He has a DUI, works as a lineman so is never home, but we click on a lot of things, both have interest in a lot of similar things, and our minds seem to work on the same level. We have the same sense of humor and are both sarcastically outgoing. I feel comfortable around him- this is very odd for me! So I dunno. I talked to mama, she said give him a chance of course but keep my options open because nothing is tying me down to him. True. I think I just always need to take this so flippin extremely and I am all in or all out.

Way to go type A to the fullest. Also, this is a bit of history as well on me and my non trusting ways. I have been employed somewhere with some job doing something since the age of 12. I have worked, save 3 months in OP for anorexia, I have worked jobs. All through college, all through high school and currently.

My first real job was at a bar. I was fired from the bar because the owners were scared someone was going to stalk and hurt me outside the bar and outside business hours so I was fired. They heard to many “comments” about or regarding me to deem it safe to keep my employment. Ok, fine, they were looking out for my best interest I agree.

Second job. I was a bar tender at a first rate golf course on the east coast. This was the 3rd best golf course in the nation. They hosted ESPN tournaments, drew huge crowds, had weddings etc. well, one week before an upcoming ESPN tournament my boss (the owner) called me from his office so to set up the story I was behind the bar on the phone and he was back down some hallway sitting at his desk on the phone with me. He asked me how badly I wanted money for college, and proceeded to ask me how willing to try new things I was. The jest of this convo via the telephone was that he had asked and begged to pay me DAMNED good money is I would sleep with the ESPN tournament professional golfers the night before the tournament and “fancy” them. I flipped. I seriously flipped the fuck out after this happened. Longer story short, I ended up having to call the police, be interviewed and tell the story a gazillion times, write it out, contact the phone company etc etc. it was a mess. The day after the tournament which I kept my employment for, I walked with over 600$ in tips because I was so pissed I refused to record any liquor at all being sold at the tournament so all alcohol proceeds plus tips I pocketed. I quit that day disgusted with the place and sent my mom in for my last paycheck. The owner would not even face my mom when she came in because my mom is the worlds biggest coon ass when she gets pissed, she gets FURIOUS. She is sweet as the day is long UNTIL you push her buttons, then watch out because she don’t hold it in and she is exhausted after she rants. Love her.

Anyways, next job was with this cleaning service through a temp agency cleaning the fraternity bathrooms at USM campus. This was the most disgusting gross hideous job I have ever had in my entire life. Not to mention the hardest. Work with this big black guy. He tried to shove me up against one of the corners in one of the bathrooms and attempt to make a move on me at which point I got REAL loud so another person I was cleaning with would come in and brake the situation apart. Quit that job after the day was over.

Next, I waited tables. The manager of the place started calling me outside work hours begging and pleading for me to come hang out with him, get a hotel, get drunk etc etc. he was married. I informed him of how out of line he was, how disrespectful he was not only to me but his wife and family, and how I could file and get him in trouble. I got laid off.

Finally, I have a full time accounting job which I have sustained for close to 3 years. I love it. I am good at it. The people I work with are darling and charming and I get paid well considering I do not have a college degree. There are 2 men here who are currently acting “out of line” with me. The only problem is it is all done via the telephone (so not like emails I can save) and if I were to go to human resources, my job would be lost because this place is incredibly conservative, old fashioned and sexist. I would lose my job so I cannot “go tell” on them. I know for a fact if I cause drama in here then I will get fired. I have seen it happen with my own eyes a zillion times since I started working here. One of the guys called again today to ask me to come to the hotel he is lodging at in town tonight so I can drink with him. I casually told him that was inappropriate and in an attempt to change the subject informed him my dad cleans the pools at the hotel he is staying at. So he says “well that wouldn’t work if you dad saw you getting drunk with me…la de da” you get it.

How fucking out of line for him to think like this. For the life of me I cannot figure out why this keeps happening to me. It scares me and I always am left feeling insecure, untrusting, and in fear. Every job I have had has resulted in some man stepping out of line toward me. Do I put myself out there as approachable and vulnerable in that way? I try not to and after repeated occurrences with this have made it a point to stay short and to the point with everyone I work with. Is this just a guy thing? Golly I hope not because it is so disrespectful.

Anwyays, maybe me opening up on here open up light to explain why I hate relationships, men and am in such fear of becoming attached. I simply do not trust men besides my damned daddy! And I am SUCH a daddy’s girl lemme tell you haha. Outside of him and my brothers, I am at a loss convinced that all men, lie, cheat, and act like fools. Any help??

 ED wise by the way I am doing okay I suppose. I am so high strung the last couple days I have probably been under eating because I am so butterfly-ey in the belly that it is hard to eat because my body wants to have a stomach ache with everything I eat. And the more anxious and nervous I get the more I think and obsess… geez… Sorry to be a downer. In all truthfulness I did have an amazing time with Jedd and really want to pursue something with him. How do I firkin “fix” myself!?!?!