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The mind is everything. What you think you become.

 Well I am going to have to post about this sooner or later but I have been putting it off all week it seems. Have you ever had a friend…one you thought you could tell anything to from personal stuff to random thoughts that cross your  mind? Well I thought I had. A girl I use to work with who we will call M moved to Kansas a couple months ago and at first I missed her dearly. M and I got along like peas and carrots, hung out outside of work and both loved watching football and stuff together on the weekends. M saw me when I first moved to Mississippi as I progressed deeply into anorexia. While I have held at job the entire time at my lowest weight and while I sat around endless days in this office practically on my death bed.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.

 Obviously, when I started recovery and was randomly “absent” from work every Friday because I needed my weight and vital signs checked at the doctor once a week, questions were going to be asked. For the most part, I simply told people I was sick and needed to gain weight so the doctors has to make sure I was gaining. Easy enough, but I knew M better than that and confided in her with my ED. She is one of 3 people outside my parents and brothers who know about my ED. So, anyway, when she moved to Kansas she stayed working with our company and we opened a office up in Kansas for Wind power work outside our usual overhead and underground work.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

I haven’t seen M since she moved but talked to her via facebook, email and cell phone frequently. So to get to the story, the guy I like, J, works right now in Kansas so he sees my ex-friend M often. M has a daughter who is a 22-year-old wild child. Girl drinks like a camel and is just not the girl you wanna bring home to mama to say the least. Slutty, previously married, loud/obnoxious…etc. well, M took it upon herself to decide that the guy I like J needed to hook up with her daughter. I did not know this. When J got wind of me working at the same company as him, he friended me on facebook, and we have talked on the phone or text every night since then. I asked M about him, to see what kind of guy he was because I thought I trusted her opinion. She says to me “he’s not your type, he will hurt you and he is full of himself” so I was like okay, but I don’t judge people before I get to know them. So I took this with a grain of salt. Then she added “oh and him and K(her daughter) mess around.”

Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.

Oh, now I see. She wanted me to back off because her daughter has a slut-crush on him. Okay. Well, I pursue what I want, and I did. J informed me that K is this like annoying constant texting weirdo. She even bought and shipped him a valentines day present and they weren’t even “talking.” So, that drama aside I know for a fact she is no competition for me and that he does not like her at all and finds her incredibly annoying.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

So, J and I like each other. It’s pretty obvious around work because I talk about him and he talks about me with his crew (haha I didn’t know guys did that). Well, M and K did not like this and being both southerners by birth as they are, drama and a lot of it needed to be involved. M and K hounded J about how I would hurt HIM and blow him off, and I am “too picky” and he should not waste his time with me. When I got wind of this I was like ya know, make your own decision, I have told you I like you. I refuse to start drama mostly because if you blow it off people get even more pissed that they did not hurt your feelings in the first place. So, again this was taken with a grain of salt.

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

Well, obviously they couldn’t stop there. The other night I was texting J about our days and ya know random stupid stuff…and he send me a text saying “what is belemic” and I was like ya know I have never heard of that word before. So he calls me and is like I googled it, it’s an eating disorder. Immediately I knew where this was going… I was like you mean Bulimic? He says yeah. I asked him where he heard that and he goes “the TV.” Good thing for future reference he SUCKS at lying so I knew this wasn’t the truth. After some awkward silence he says “K and M told me you were bulimic.”

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.

 Oh if I could flip a switch any quicker and become this nasty bitchy beast I did.

A-    I HAVE NEVER THROWN UP MY FOOD AFTER EATING IN MY LIFE. The only reference to barf I have is drunk in college from over doing the alcohol.

B-    AN EATING DISORDER IS BY FAR MY DEEPEST DARKEST MOST EMOTIONAL AND SENSITIVE TOPIC IN THE WHOLE WORLD. To get it wrong, and then have the guy I like have to question me about it before we even know each other very well is so embarrassing, frustrating and depressing

The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed. 

First of all, how someone could do this to me is beyond me. I spent all night Monday in tears on the phone with my mom curled up in bed. M wasn’t just my friend, she was a FAMILY friend. She had hung out at my house all summer when my parents hosted crawfish boils, pool parties etc. She KNEW this was my biggest kept secret. AND SHE KNEW I NEVER THREW UP MY FOOD. Not that self inflicted starvation is any better, but seriously if your gonna go around talking shit about me then fucking get it right.

We are formed and molded by our thoughts. Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts give joy when they speak or act. Joy follows them like a shadow that never leaves them.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the stereotyping around eating disorders. People immediately think you are this diet obsessed freak who chooses to weigh __ lbs. there is so much wrong about the way society views eating disorders that is it ridiculous. Then, to have all those preconceived thoughts people get put into the guy I like when he was not even told the truth was way to much for me to handle. I have had an absolutely horrendous week. I have called both my friends who know about my anorexia a couple times this week and it has helped me, but I am so disappointed. I am so upset. I am so furious and angry at the same time as well.

Without health life is not life; it is only a state of langour and suffering – an image of death.

 My friend?! NOT MY ($^(@*#&^@#*$&^ friend anymore. There is not anything lower in the whole entire world someone could do to me. How did she find it to be “her place” to even share something like this with J? GRRRRR and because she wanted J to like her daughter when he is not remotely interested in her?!?!?!? This is SO PETY. I HATE PETY THINGS. I despise M AND K. I hate the J has these preconceived notions about me now. I hate that I had to try to explain myself to him. I hate it all. I HATE THIS FUCKING EATING DISORDER THE MOST.

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

I ended up hanging up on J because I was crying and calling my mama. She told me to call him back and that there was no need to explain myself but just to tell him “ there was a time when I had trouble keeping weight on.” And leave it at that. So, mama knows best, that is what I did. J told me he called K a bitch for telling him that, and that he thought I was beautiful, he would never judge me, and there was no need for me to explain myself. A sweetheart yes, but I cannot convince myself that he doesn’t see me as some freak now. I am going to see him this weekend and I am at a loss for what to even talk about. Even thinking about going to see him has me worried, anxious, shy and in my bubble. I don’t want to be this because I wasn’t before, but now that this happened, I can’t seem to help the disappointment built up in me.

Its like, he knows this dark part of my life before he even got a chance to find out all the good qualities in me. My charisma, my outgoing personality, my outspoken ways and general spirit for life. That is ME, but ME I can’t get to exist this week because of what happened. I feel like a turtle stuck in its shell.

One thing I am TRYING to do which my girl Heather told me to do(she’s like my bestest friend I cheered with in college) is take it in pride sort of, and use it as determination to do a kind of in your face look at me now way to promote my recovery. I thought the idea was genius and have been trying, but it is hard when you feel so damned hopeless and disappointed. I am trying to take the negative thoughts in my head and make them positive. I mean, “I got the guy” in the end but now it is up to me to keep acting like the REAL me when I don’t have hope I can do it.

 Have you guys ever had anything like this happen?

Any help or hope that I will be able to get out of this rut?

 I really like J and I want things to work out, and I sure as hell do not want me eating disorder to be the reason they do not. As usual, in times of brain mishap, I turned to my man Buddha and a lot of mental sorting so I keep my head on straight but I gotta tell y’all I am absolutely exhausted mentally, broke, and upset.