I have a crush I have a crush I have a CRUSH…on a boy. His name is Jedd….wow…glad I got that out I feel like a million bucks now haha. He is funny. He makes me laugh. I make him laugh. How we met each other is even funnier. He works for the same company I do but since we do work in many states I never knew about him. That is, until a lady I use to work with who moved to Kansas and still works with us, informed me of him in passing. He saw me post on her facebook wall and asked to be my friend. I had no idea who he was so I sent him a message and was like umm do I know you??(Thinking he is a creeper). He said he saw me post on Missy (the girls) wall and saw I worked for Chain and wanted to get to know me. Ok, fair enough I figure. Well I get to talking to him; we exchange numbers and chit chat via phone or occasional text. I think he is DROP DEAD gorgeous…wow he is a looker.
Well, I end up telling Missy to put in a good word for me next time she sees him (Jedd is his name). I am immediately bombarded with 20 questions on WHY in the world I am talking to Jedd. “Hes a player, he’ll hurt you, blah blah blah everything a girl doesn’t wanna hear. So I take it only to find out she told me this because she was trying to hook up her daughter with him and he is NOT interested in her…I guess I don’t blame Missy for telling me to back off. But hey, that’s not my style; I shoot for the stars and what I want. So yes, I am pursuing him, and I could care less if her daughter likes him. He likes me. Is that bichty? I don’t think so. But missy and her daughter are both drama queens so they both are making it all out to be more than it is simply because Jedd likes me, I like Jedd and neither of us is interested in knowing Missy’s daughter. Bless her heart, but she’s a “bad” girl, i.e. not someone you wanna take home to mama to meet. Anyways, that is where my time has been. We were supposed to get together this weekend but he had drunk driver class for 7 hours and forgot about it (honest mistake he told me all about it and I have no room to talk simply because I have had my fair share of drunk driving nights, I was just never caught).
Anyways, besides guys, who I seem to be obsessed with these days, recovery is going well. As well as it can get actually. I would say since I moved I have felt normal. But I wouldn’t for the life of me know how to pinpoint what the hell normal is. I am so happy lately, I am full of life. I am making people laugh all the time without even trying, it’s crazy. I like realize I am being me. It is the most freeing feeling I have ever felt. Is it the “old mal” I use to be some 5-6 years ago? No, I have said before I don’t know where that girl went and she’s not coming back. But, by the same token I sure as hell am not “anorexic mal” anymore. I mean, recovery has crossed my min maybe twice in the past week. I never thought that was possible!
Food is not on my mind because I am busy being with people, I am busy talking to different guys, I am busy at work, I am busy cleaning or cooking or doing laundry. There is simply just no space allotment in my day for anorexia! What I have realized is that when I have too much time on my hands, when I am lacking social outings, when I get caught up on my weight or food and not my life, I get sucked into depression. With the depression comes my control freak nature, anxiety and preoccupation on anything besides my life and living it. This past week, I have been LIVING my life. Like as it comes. That’s crazy right? I’m the girl who is always looking to the next hour, the next meal, the next space allotment I will get to sit and count, over think or over rationalize. But I am not doing it. Even at night in bed, one of my worst times for being anal, I am simply not doing it. Where did it go?? I have no idea, but I sure as hell do not miss it! And I know I have gained weight, but holy crap I have a ton of energy! As long as I eat, I can go go go and do WHATEVER I want whenever I want. I can be with who I wanna be with, do what I wanna do and that’s that!
I have noticed I take more time to look cute for work. I use to throw on clothes and the same jacket everyday. Now I am not freezing, I pick cute clothes and put effort into my hair, make up, jewelry and even nails and toes! I am happy and smiling all day at work. I walk around snapping my fingers and singing. Guys, this is crazy! I feel like I am living a dream but this is real!
Golly I never thought I would feel like this. Given in two weeks I may be back here bitching and complaining but having food off my mind and my mind on my life and being happy is SO MUCH FUN!!! Try it I swear you’ll love it.
Now, not everything is perfect. Take Saturday morning, I weighed the most I have seen in like 6 years. I freaked for a moment, then that was that. I went to make coffee only to realize we don’t have a coffee pot(but my roommate drinks some 9384543 cases of mt.dew a week) so at 9am Saturday morning, in sweat pants, a saints t-shirt and Taz slippers, I rolled into Wal-Mart to purchase me a coffee pot, filters, and fresh brew. Ever seen that website the people of Wal-Mart…I just may pop in on there soon with my get up haha!
Oh and can I tell you it was close to 70 degrees today!!!! Come one with the sun!!! I cannot wait to get in the pool again! This is strange, but I am not at all self conscious in a bikini, but put me in a tight t-shirt and I will flip. Is that strange?
I have also been busy trying to come up with my “food philosophy” and I think I have it pretty straight… it will prolly be my next post. But just know, my eats are going well, my weight is gooooooing well and I am happy! I hope it lasts!