Heres Pictures of my “new room”
This is a bit of a side tracked post but I will update on my recovery at the end. I have two brothers, an older and a younger. Both joined the military, the army, right out of high school. Both went on to become Special Forces officers in the military intelligence command in the Special Forces, in the army. They are both bad asses. My older brother has experienced and seen more dramatic warfare and depressive sights than most people in the world. He has seen bombs blow up on people, his best friend die, and located bomable areas in the Middle East when his command to drop a bomb has killed thousands of Taliban at once. That is a lot. My younger brother is fresh home from Afghanistan and experienced quite a bit as well. He had to “one up” my older brother and got his wings at Fort Bragg. He is jumping tomorrow and complaining of how cold it will be. I can only imagine. I hope to one day jump with him(or attached to him) from a plane. That would be soooo sweet. Anyways, with the sights, sounds, and experience both my brothers have received comes a penalty. Both developed what is called hypnagogia. Yeah, try to pronounce that. Basically, when they fall asleep their body becomes somewhat possessed by a force they cannot stop. they swear up and down people attack them every night which results in many, many sleepless nights, and considering both are in their prime dating years, the inability to sleep soundly with a girl in the bed. Can you imagine not going to sleep all night because you are in fear something or someone is going to possess and attack you? That blows my mind. It is somewhat related to PTSD which both have actually diagnosed, however the sleeping problems are very rarely researched, and not much is known. Scientists try to pinpoint it to magnetic wave differences in the brain, but really, like most health and disease, no one knows squat. Anyway, I was talking to him about it today and I researched it a bit. This is what I found :
Research into hypnagogia is now shedding light on long-sought-for explanations of psychic abilities and creative intuition obtained outside direct sensory processes by revealing the possibility that our brain may have the ability to tap into other states of consciousness . The phenomenon of the hypnagogic hallucinations which occur in this period are characterized by a slideshow of highly condensed, discontinuous, and bizarre imagery of faces, figures, animals, print and writing. Also accompanying this is often hearing one’s name being whispered, hearing music, and undergoing temporary physical paralysis . These visual, auditory, and physical stimuli, have been known to cultivate intuition, bring flashes of inspiration, and offer creative insight to those who experience them . During this fleeting psycho-physical state, people report randomly occurring visual and auditory experiences which are relatively more disconnected and short-lived when compared to dreams characteristic of REM sleep.
Scary. And I think recovering from an eating disorder is hard. It’s one of those reality checks when I see how bad off some other people have it. I would never ever wish an ED on anyone (how often have you read this in blogs!) however, I do not foresee my self willing to exchange it for a disorder like this either. It is mind boggling and hard to grasp the concept, but to both of them it is so real. Just like the fear of food, of weight gain, of a loss of control and safety, is such a third world thought to non ED sufferers. My brothers get frustrated because of what happens to them. Some others see it as fake and “all in the head.” They see it as something you can just get over and move on from. See the connection. I can rely on my older brother to cope with or too simply because it is one in the same. Both of us have our problems nobody can understand them. He does not in any way shape or form understand why I cannot just bring myself to eat and gain weight, or to be okay indulging in fried food or simple sandwiches. He has been there and seen me at my worst when we rarely communicated. He has seen me go through recovery once before only to relapse. He told my mom one time that he can tell by the seasons, celebrations and pinpoint when I was well off and when I wasn’t. the first yeard we lived here thanksgiving was hysterical for me. I cried before dinner, at dinner and after dinner. I was an anxious mess and didn’t eat days before the “celebration.” I was depressed and thankful for nothing. I ate greenbeans. The next thanksgiving was a good one. I started recovery the first time shortly after my bad thanksgiving and was a year into recovery at the next one. This time, I did not restrict, talked out days before the dinner how I would handle it so I would be calm, and experienced the dinner as a thankful celebration. I had a sweet potato, turkey/gravy, green beans and sauerkraut. Everything I would have at thanksgiving in a well state of mind. This past thanksgiving was again my relapse and a bad thanksgiving. Mentally, I felt fine, however I had convinced myself also that I was going to live off of solely meat for the rest of my life. I was proud of my willpower and the fact I was doing this “for my health.” I made a separate turkey because the one my mom bought was injected with a “solution” that included sugar. I ate only meat and a small amount because a meal at 2pm was not something I did.
Anyways, I feel for him because it must be miserable to experience what he does, besides the fact he is only 26 and his hands shake like a 90 year olds when he tries to grasp something. The only time I have EVER seen him with a steady hand, post war, is when he is shooting a gun.
I am not sure why I shared this with y’all but to me it meant the realization that many people suffer with things no one else understands. They deal with them. Most of them accept they will never be normal and others will never get it. frustrating as it may be, I think acceptance is a big part of recovery. I will never ACCEPT anorexia, however I do accept the fact that I am bound and determined in recovery to gain weight, to restore my menstruation, and to branch out in food and my social life. So getting on to how my recovery is going…
I have a new favorite vegetable. It is a starchy root(GASP! Whodda thunk I would dive into the carby starch!). the rutabaga. Oh my goodness. Where has this thing been all my life! I can eat a lot of it and it disgests well! I have gone through prolly 3 in the past week. Understand rutabagas are HUGE! Haha. I have tried them sliced and fired in oil(tastes like friend potatoes) in “French fry” form, and mashed in butter/cheese and cream. Love them, but they aren’t the most nutritious of vegetables, so I am trying to keep it to a couple times a week. I do not want to get stuck in food ruts.
Also, cottage cheese. Love. This. Stuff. Daisy makes a 3ingredient cottage cheese. I am in heaven! I found it bought 3, and have gone through 2 of them in like 5 days. One is at work and two are at home. I lovvvvvve cottage cheese. With salsa, with garlic and tomatoes, with cinnamon sprinkled, in a salad oh just about anyway. Plain Jane works for me too!
And I have tried a few other cheeses, because I am obsessed with dairy products. I have kept my meat up too while adding at least 2 vegetable side dishes to lunch and dinner! I am damned proud of myself. The digester is slowly learning food again, and I am not as bloated in water as I was. Bloated still none the less, but I think this is weight gain bloat as opposed to the gallons of water I felt like I had in my ankles, face and belly a week or 2 ago.
The house is getting better. I think once I settle in, get the clutter fixed, and learn to sleep in a new bed and get MORE sleep, I will be feeling less anxious the whole time. One problem, my roommate and I eat dinner about the same times. He is cooking every night I have gotten home. This annoys me because I am hungry when I get home and I want to cook, eat and relax. The kitchen is SOOO SMALL barely one person even fits in it so cooking together meals is not an option. So I keep my anxious self busy until I notice he is done. I wish I had more cooked and ready to eat food at the house, but I have not had a chance to precook any food in the last couple days, so I try to fill up at meals which is hard because I only can take so much at one time. Been sticking to big bowls of cottage cheese before bed…yum nom nom.
I am still having an awful time in the DECISION making department regarding food. Now that I am on an extreme budget it is even worse. I don’t want to have to buy food, but I also don’t always want the food I have. Becomes a dilemma and I don’t want to “waste my food” by having to eat a lot. So, I need to buckle down and get over this. For example, for the life of my I can NOT decide whether I want tuna/vinegar/coconut mayo in a salad for dinner with a side of cheese or if I want fried beef and cabbage. I want both, but that is an obvious waste. I can have one of them tonight and one tomorrow for dinner since both require kitchen prep I cant have one at work. Which will I choose? Not sure, will let you know.
What all can you add vinegar too? I have been craving it and it seems so bizarre? I have also been CRAVING vegetables, something I never thought would happen. I like really WANT vegetables all the time. I am loving kale as well. Fried in butter or coconut oil with feta cheese sprinkles.
No weight gain update, it is the same as it was last week, but moving and such I wasn’t expecting a huge jump, glad I maintained through the stress though. Shows I am CAPABLE BABY!!!!!!!
Mmkay.. I will edit this with images and quotes and such when I get home tonight but for now I leave you with good thoughts and good eats!