I need to vent… so if you hate ranting posts, please by all means do not listen to my complaining but my mind is turning a zillion miles a minute and I cannot even do my job until I get this written and thought out somewhat.
Deep breath. I am on my own. I am fine living on my own. I am fine eating on my own. But my head and thoughts travel at lightning speed 24/7 and I do not know exactly why. There is so incredibly much crap on my mind right now that I am exhausted- mentally. I just keep thinking thinking thinking. That’s all I do. Think, and worry, and think and worry. I am worrying about things that I cannot do anything about!
Let me try and piece it together…
My new place is small. It is a shotgun house and the kitchen is tiny. I am not an evasive big time cook or chef, but I need room to move. The claustrophobic feeling I experience the entire time I am in there drives me insane. It keeps me from putting the time and effort into my food that I need to, for my own good.i know, I have only had a handful of meals and snacks but I am already calling myself out on it. My plan is this weekend to go through the entire kitchen area, organize, clean and de-clutter it. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in this house is clutter clutter clutter and it makes my mind go wild wild wild.
The fridge. His 3 cases of Diet Mt Dew tipped off my head. He drinks this stuff like 24/7. ew. Okay my eating habits don’t need to be his eating habits but hasn’t he checked out the sperm lowering capabilities of massive artificial crap?! Anyways, until I get it clean, and the bud light removed from all the drawers, I have plastic containers that has all my stuff in it. A CLEAN container my mom gave me and nothing that is mine is not in that container.
The shelves/cabinets have shit, literally shit stuffed in them all. I cleared out one cabinet for myself and shoved all his junk to the other side. I will deal with the rest this weekend when I de-clutter. Geez the clutter. There are pots and pans in with instant mashed potatoes and spices. GOOD GUEY.
The eating situation. I was making my dinner when he came back from wal-mart on his weekly food trip. After he stares, asks 20 questions on what I am making I sit down to eat, with him as he inhales Wendy’s. His repulsive eating habits made me go sit in my room, on my bed and write last nights post as I ate my dinner. I was worried while eating, worked up mentally times 194513475 and just wanted a hug, from my mom. Had literally just left my parents house not 2 hours before and gotten a hug from both parents. I get pissed about this because I need to GROW UP. I know not everyone is like me, and people are all different but it makes me wonder ya know, “no wonder he is 26(or so?), single, weird, has no social life, and lives in a mess” thinking which bless his heart, is not good for me to do I know. It is unnecessary but I cannot help it.
Hotdogs and anxiety is not the best combo. I was up all night thinking, having digestive problems, and I was so damned proud of myself going into that. Ya know, a basic, simple, hotdog night. I never ever eat processed meat! Maybe a bit too much for my first night. I had the #2’s alllll morning. Ew.
Next up, sleeping. There are 2 windows in my room. Two windows WELL LIT all night. There is no darkness what so ever to my room and I cannot sleep in anything but darkness. Like pitch black. Seems if there is light, I am wide awake, thinking, tossing and turning all night which is exactly what I did all night. My bed, it’s a new bed given to me by a guy I work with. I am not comfortable on it. I jumped on the bed all afternoon yesterday, flipping and flopping only to conclude it is not comfortable. I suppose I will get use to it and it is just an adjustment.
Alarm clocks. My roommate has like some 4 alarm clocks. It starts at 6am. One starts blarring the radio. The f-ing radio continues up until about 7am. In between the radio there are other alarms going off. I can hear the radio clearly from my bed and I do not need to be up at 6am!!!!!!! Grrr, who needs 4 alarms? My goodness, his lazy ass should get up on the first alarm. Make it f-ing loud and obnoxious I don’t care but you do not need twenty to wake up. That is pure laziness. And annoying.
There a hoist of other crap on my mind as well. I lose my appetite, like FULL LOSS when I am worked up, when I am clutter minded and especially when I am lacking sleep. All the above fit how I feel right now. My student loan payments start back up this week since I dropped out of school AGAIN this semester because I do not have money to continue. I freak about bills, money and money management. On top of now 3 loans from previous college in Maryland, I have my cell phone which ran over $100 last month because I DID NOT KNOW unlimited text was ONLY for Verizon customers on my plan, my car insurance, rent, ½ of all house bills, FOOD, supplements(vitamin D, krill oil, magnesium), gas, cigarettes(I know I need to quit but trust me when I say now is NOT the time). Seems food is the first to go on the list to cheapskate simply because it is only necessary to an extent. I buy what I have to have, and no treating myself to anything.
I start to feel bad about extra portions, extra snacks, big meals all because of my ED. It is “wasting food, and eating much more food than is necessary.”
Bleh, I hate this ED.
See how it all ties into the rest of my life and anxiety!?! Annoys me to no end.
I am not really sure where to leave this post. I am sure there is a hoist of other annoyances on my mind. Before I forget, I am TO TALL for my showerhead. It will be impossible for me to wash my hair and face without going into a full squat. The water pressure sucks. I cannot move or adjust the showerhead. I forgot contact solution so my contacts sat in water last night, and the results are VERY dry and annoyed eyeballs all day. First stop, new contacts (more $$ GEEZ), solution, and some sort of comforting food item when I get off. I have no meat at my house. Folks, this is unheard of. I don’t even know what I want for dinner. Rutabagas have been my new “thing” lately. I slice them and fry them in macadamia oil with chili, paprika, and salt. Very yummy, settles well, so I may repeat it again only because I know it will feel good when it digests. Maybe with some buttery cheesy salt & pepper chicken? Sounds like a winner, sure why not. I surely will stick the hotdogs in the freezer for another day.
What mechanisms do you guys use to help relieve anxiety? I would try reading, but my mind wont concentrate. Good food and meals is a MUST FOR ME RIGHT NOW so I will not back down. I brought extra food to work today to snack on so I wont be to anxious at night in my house.