Bothering Me: I am convinced the new girl I work with is thinner than me. It is driving my mind wild at this point. She eats pop tarts and sprite for breakfast and she is smaller than me. Ahhh why that bugs me is beyond me but it’s slowly making me insane. I already refuse to eat around her because I am nervous and on edge.
Dentist Visit this morning:
“We have cookie dough, chocolate, strawberry, vanilla fluoride flavors which do you want?”
“GAG, don’t you have unflavored???”
Seriously you want to “clean” my teeth with something that tastes like cookies!??! That makes absolutely NO sense to me, and I can only imagine the amount of artificial flavor in that crap. For the record I do not use toothpaste. I refuse. It is loaded with crap. I use baking soda mixed with coconut oil. Works like a charm. Washes off ALL residues and keeps yo gums healthy as gold lol. By the way my teeth checked out great, no problems that weren’t already there from anorexia…i.e, my gums are SLOWLY getting stronger and my teeth are SLOWLY filling out again. For a while, I was to embarrassed to smile and once I got health insurance from my job I could afford to get work done on the front so yay for me I can smile again! This was like 2 years ago though.
Recovery is going…meh…annoying, confusing, scary and I feel like my life is being consumed by my overactive mind- my blog being my outlet when I get around to writing. But it’s like morning, noon, night, throughout my attempt to sleep; recovery and food are always on my mind!!!!! I am in constant worry about my size, the sides of my stomach, my new pouch below my belly button and I swear I must have back fat, little things I use to be able to do and now can’t (these are disordered things but nonetheless I can no longer do them), my food choices and good gracious they seem never ending once it gets to meal time, food in general…etctetc. Okay, enough pity party in my pants…I chose to recover because I wanted to be free from this life consuming mind boggling obsessiveness but it feels like it is getting worse mentally. So recovery-wise, hell I must be doing well because it is getting HARDER. And truthfully, I “chose” to recover because I was forced. I am way to stubborn to admit to a problem and being a “stable” anorexic seems like some sick goal and accomplishment I was able to live in. I was not going to change until someone made me. Now, equipped with the life and reality outside recovery and beyond anorexia, I am actively in the competition…MAL vs ED… showdown will be airing until I am mentally free from this disease. Thus far Mal-2(BMI points up) ED- ZIP ZERO NADA. Thing is, I felt like once I was on a roll I would be able to accept it and keep going. I can’t accept it right now. I soo do not look forward to being weighed and I hate dealing with it. even if I don’t know, it is still not going to help and prolly hinder me if anything. There is no connection between my body and I right now. I feel like I am living in this foreign object and it is so uncomfortable. I wish I could be like Tatiana http://tatiannalives.wordpress.com/ who is inspired by her realizations and changing mind and body it makes her fight harder. I don’t get that. Everything about this changing scares me. She is very inspiring if you haven’t checked out her blog by the way!
My ED made me a horrible friend, and the biggest space cadet of a listener you will ever meet. Recovery is changing that. Outside my bubble yes, but I can communicate once again. And other people have noticed. This makes me happy. I like when people love to see me, and be around me. I am an overly extroverted and outgoing individual. Others taking note of this as a once again natural instinct in me- priceless….beat my ED to the ground. I want stability, I crave stability. My mind works when I don’t want it too…all day trying to get my job done my head is in lala land and I cannot concentrate. All night while I would die to be sleeping, my head is spinning thoughts like a blender and I cannot sleep. However when I want and need this darn high drive machine to work it wont work! I am trying to figure out how to keep my mind occupied AWAY from my body, but it always seems to make it’s way back to my body and my uncomfy zone. Does this go away!?!?!? I feel very out of place.
I do not think I realize how precious my body is. It is not some disposable cup or wind up toy that can be fucked with (excuse me I am a lady I swear) and toyed with inside and out 24/7. again, stability, I crave it. I choose to put into my body nourishing foods and goods that make me feel well both physically and mentally. However, the amounts of these nourishing foods lately is ungodly large and freaks me out so out the window goes “it feels good to eat ____.” I don’t really choose to eat food because it smells good or because it tastes good or even because it looks good. I choose to eat food because I feel it is healthy and good for my body. I am trying to even out that thinking and base meals on foods I know I enjoy. Enter my dairy obsession. It is STILL bad. Every meal is “good tasting” if it is covered in cheese (I mean who can blame me cheese makes bad veggies taste GOOD!) but the same meal would be “good nourishing” had the veggies been covered in coconut oil instead of cheese. I do not like this toying around I do with my thoughts and mind and meal choosing. Its ridiculous. Not as easy as pie…haha I heard someone say that this morning (“girl lifitin that is easy as pie.”)
Thus far in my attempt at a so far so successful recovery is…I don’t know. Words cant come to my mind to describe it. Physically, I am further than I have ever been in the past and it is freaking the F($$K out of me. Mentally, I seem to be caught in the same ol traps but just fighting them. They arent getting better, the same thoughts are still there but I have energy to deal with them. Very exhausting. At the end of each day I am literally brain bashed in mental exhaustion. Physically though, I could probably break through walls with energy. Strange… my body seems MUCH more ahead than my mind. This causes me to wear baggy clothing unless I am at work because I am so frikin ashamed and guilty of my body and this weight gain. Save my job(I wear some sort of cute jacket everyday over a shirt) I am okay with recovery and eating when I am in leggings and a big ol hoodie. I do not like this. I like to take care of my body but trying to care for it when I cannot yet accept it or even looking at it, I don’t know if it is good or bad. I get incredibly jealous, angry, annoyed, frustrated, with every other recovery blog because they can exercise. I do- I get so worked up and angry there’s smoke coming out my head like Elmer Fud when he chased bugs bunny. I cannot exercise, not because of any medical disclosure or anything, but my knees are so bad from cheerleading and 5 years spent running 10-15 miles every.single.day. that they do not function more than what I need them for day to day. So literally…I sit on my ass all day everyday. Save a walk IF it was not cold the night before and if it is 68-70 degrees I can take a walk with only a little pain. But if I jump, even 2 inches off the ground, the pressure put on my knees upon landing is enough to make me scream in fury. I hate it. if I try to jog, I can to an extent deal with the pain, but I get so damned angry at the situation I cry and am worse off than when I started. I guess I could try and get into Yoga or Pilates, but really it seems like everything I try, you need knees lol. Your knees must function. Hell, even wearing heels is a huge deal for my knee pain. Guey, as soon as five o’clock rolls around those bad boys are OFF my feet.
On a side…I joined the NEDA workshop for the 2010 NEDA Awareness Week. Everyone, do your part and join- get the word out. www.neda.com
You are now an official NEDAwareness Week 2010 Participant!
By doing just one thing, you are making a difference. Together, we can have a huge impact and let communities across the country know: It’s Time to Talk About It. We are here to support your efforts! You can order NEDAwareness Week Kits and materials anytime from the NEDA Store and visit the Resource Website Google Group to connect with others and get resources for your NEDAwareness Week activities. You will be receiving a member confirmation email from the Resource Website Google Group within the next 48 hours. If you checked the NEDA Walk Coordinator box on the registration form, NEDA will be contacting you shortly to provide you with all the information and resources you need to hold your NEDA Walk.
We encourage you to take advantage of the benefits the Resource Website Google Group offers and become a part of a vibrant eating disorders awareness community. You can use this group to network, gain access to the NEDAwareness Week logo, download the electronic Educator Packet and power point presentations for Volunteer Speakers, get tons of resources for planning and marketing your activities, upload your own documents to share with fellow participants, start discussion topics, and ask NEDA staff questions.
Thank you for participating in NEDAwareness Week 2010!
Ok, this is such a pity party selfish mess of a post, yikes, I am so sorry. Needed to get all that out though. On a good note, I had a MEATLESS dinner last night. This was SUCH a huge deal for me. Okay, so my snack after wards included chicken and sausage patties I made but still… I had 3 scrambled eggs plus 2 extra yolks with spinach and feta cooked verrrry shortly in lotsa butter, poured on a plate. Heaven, yum, it was good. I love butter and I love eggs. New comfort meal, may repeat Friday since it is lent. Which by the way, while I am at it, I opened up to people twice now emotionally and just sat and talked bout things that were on our minds. That was one of my goals if you remember from the last post. I now love goat cheese feta, another yum. Go figure, more dairy haha. On another good note, BMI holding strong at 16…yay and freak out in the mind but I refuse to go backwards! And the food conquering for lent I think I have changed it- again, go figure I change my mind. I think I want to conquer cottage cheese (full fat OF COURSE- I despise any low fat or fat free product) and spaghetti squash. But spaghetti squash comes in such LARGE quantities I don’t know if I would use it up before it goes bad, well same with butternut, but I could so go for some sketti squash with alotta butta! Any good recommendations for cottage cheese? Prolly a bad question, because products in Mississippi are pretty limited to generic, generic, and crappy product lol.
EDIT TO ADD!! i had cottage chese,bolw full for night snack wih almond butter and tahini!!!!