You learn by living. You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt
I am at a BMI of 16… I have not had a BMI of 16% in 5 or 6 years. I am freaking out. I want to be able to express my fear and feelings in this blog and I am FREAKING OUT. My ED is RIGHT here on my shoulder like a damn devil. You know good angel, bad devil! That’s what I feel like sometimes. On one shoulder there is “Mal you are FINALLY getting healthy.” The other says “Mal you are getting so damned fat and out of control!” back and forth and back and forth.
I do not believe I am a “naturally” thin person, nor is it in my genes. I cannot seem to come to terms with that. I don’t know where my body naturally falls, but 16 BMI is NOT where it is meant to be. I think my main problem is that I got use to for the past many years seeing myself as okay at a low weight. It became “normal” for me to see myself as I did and now that it is changing and I automatically assume it is horrible and bad. I automatically distort what I see and it makes me feel horrible.
Given, I have had something off with my stomach the past couple of days. Strange bowel movements and noise, bad bowels…but still, I feel huge. In the past my “recovery” has been up down up down up down in weight and always maintaining that safe net zone I had. Now I am above it and in the past 2 months my weight has done anything BUT go down. It has been a steady up. This is all so new and frightening to me.
There is freedom from this I know there is. I have to fight for it though. It is not easy, at all. I want my safety zone back and I want to still be comfortable in my skin. Right now, I am NOT confortable in my skin. God forbid someone put me in a skin binding outfit I would absolutely freak the F(#K out. Leggings, sweat pants are what I feel like being in. given for my job I get fixed up nice everyday, but it involves a looser shirt. Good thing they seem to be “in style” now.
Good things: I am that much closer to regaining my fertility, I may start to look my age(I still get carded buying cigarettes), I AM obviously more in control than my ED, I have a strange sense of responsibility in my own recovery which I never had before, I AM determined to beat this, I am slowly gaining a respect for food and cooking rather than an out-lash of fury, I don’t have any regrets in recovering because I keep trucking through every.single.day.
Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts
I feel like I am trying to reach some finish line, a goal or destination. While this is in a way a good thing, I don’t believe recovery has a “finish line.” I don’t think there is a race to win. I think it is a life long process and ever evolving scenario in which I am building my mind and learning myself. I don’t think I will magically wake up one morning and be free from food related stuff, but I do think I will wake up one day and feel my journey is steady, and food is “okay.”
I also think there HAS to be something I need to face in recovery. Maybe by blogging it will come out eventually- feelings, something that happened, and something that shaped me. But I have yet to figure out what that may be.
I talked to my parents about how well I have been doing and my mom told me “you’re acting more like yourself.” So others notice! I also mentioned my passive aggressive attitude which is something both my dad and I suffer in doing. I still don’t know how to fix it. It is like I can feel it coming and there is no stopping it. The only way to get over it is to voice some self hate mentally and take a walk. People at work say I am acting like my old self again and I was being an isolated hermit at my desk a month ago. People were coming to me telling me how quiet I was and they didn’t even know I was in the office. That in itself should have been a sign for me of a problem because I am usually outspoken and high spirits in the office, always smiling, joking and laughing.
I am starting to feel like I am losing my label as the girl with “issues” or the girl with the “unknown mood.” AKA losing my anorexia label. This is scary, but I think the life waiting without that label is looking good. It is unknown, uneasy, and confusing, but it is looking GOOD. I am thinking of sharing my blog with my parents… ideas, experience, good/bad?? I want them to come across it on the web themselves if they are interested… but I don’t know how to attach my blog of google searches…
How do I make my blog pop up on a search if someone wanted to find my blog?
First meatless Friday went well besides the fact I found out I DO NOT like flounder…wayyy to fishy tasting for me. I resorted to many eggs and lots of coconut mayo and cheese(hah go figure). I tried eggplant! It is good I like it!
Recipe I plan on trying this week!!
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 6 small portobello mushroom caps, stems and ribs removed
- 1/2 cup cream cheese, softened
- 1/2 green bell pepper, diced
- 3/4 cup roasted red pepper hummus
- salt and pepper to taste
- 1 teaspoon lemon pepper seasoning
Plans this weekend- I am painting my room and moving in my dresser/bed today! Me and my mom are fixin to leave soon! I am NEVER awake this early on a Saturday- I wish I was still sleeping lol. Then I plan to play tennis because it might get up to 68 today!!! There is a baseball game at USM I might go check out afterwards as well with the frat guys. May call up boy and do something, but I am not sure because I feel really gross in my skin right now and I don’t want it to out lash in a bad date. While I am doing well in recovery I almost feel ashamed to present my body in public because I am SOO uncomfortable. How do you guys deal with this???
What are your plans this weekend? Have any good eggplant recipes??