Forewarning if poop talk grosses you out skip this paragraph! We will start with the TMI… more meals=more food=more #2’s. I am going poopidy pooh like 2-3 times a day, and for me, this is so new. I use to go like clock work everyday around noon or 1pm. Now, it is umm pretty much unpredictable. I don’t exactly mind but this morning come 1030am I poopidy poohed for 30 minutes straight. Now I know why people take books to the potty. I never understood before. I use to be like dude go in there get your business done and get out. Well, all the poopidy pooh made me start counting tiles on the floor and finding patterns in the wall. Bad habit- not sure why I do that. Anyway, on a good note my #2’s seem very normal, light colored and soft, easy to get out etc. But goodness gracious there is a LOT of substance to them. Is this normal? Like gallon size #2’s I mean? Haha so gross I apologize this is all so new to me though.
If anyone is wondering HOW I got in 2481 calories (somehow I have a feeling this number will be stuck in my head for a while) here’s what I ate:
Chicken and a yellow shredded squash cooked in butter/spices, with butter added to bowl and shredded raw cheddar to cover the top completely.
Kale Chips soaked in olive oil (I over salted them so I poured oil in the bowl hoping to counteract…?)
Boiled egg with coconut mayo and 2 chicken livers with butter
About a cup or two of dark meat chicken dipped in coconut mayo & sour cream/chives (two dips makes me eat more)
This is where it gets embarrassing… about 1/3 cup of almond butter, 3T of tahini, and ¼ cup mascarpone cheese mixed in a bowl and ¼ cup sour cream.
2-3 oz of raw cheddar and a pickle
Chunk of queso fresco cheese
Good golly…no wonder I am “going” so much…
Second up is Lent Season. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday which marks the beginning of Lent in the Roman Catholic religion, which I am. Long shpeal short one is supposed to fast all day, eat no meat and then when the sun goes down you can eat. This is to be performed every Friday of Lent for forty days and nights. On top of no meat and fasting Friday’s one is to sacrifice something which is hard for them. Here is where I am on a roll! On the fasting front, I got my priest’s blessing last night to not participate in the fasts due to “medical reasons.” This is the 5th year running I have no been able to participate fully in Lent and next year this time I fully plan to be able to comply with the “rituals” of the Lent season. Anywho, no meat Fridays is going to be a huge deal to me. Meat is the center and largest portion of my diet. Well over half my calories are comprised of meat. This in itself is a sacrifice for Lent. But besides that, I decided to “sacrifice” my disordered mind during the lent season so I set a couple of goals. By the way, I was fixin to go to mass after work yesterday and pull into this incredibly over packed parking lot. I am talking cars behind parked cars and NO where to turn or move. Once I pulled in I was stuck. I went around a curve in between cars and was headed toward…a dead end. I had to reverse BACK through the parking lot with like 50 other cars trying to do the same thing at the same time and it was a mess. I thought for sure I would be pulling out my insurance information because I reversed into a car. Not to mention, mass that I thought started at 6 (It starts at 6 EVERY Wednesday) started at 5. Nice, so I caught the priest and asked him to bless and ash me and he did. Good ol Irish priest he is.
Goal #1: Include one meal a day that is meat free
Goal #2: Stop STOP STOP saving calories for night time. I tend to save up my appetite for night time and go to bed uncomfortably full and bloated the next morning. I eat just enough to get by during the day and like 80% of my calories come from dinner & a snack. Not good. Needs changing, so I am adding smaller frequent meals.
Goal #3: Stop making snacks bigger than meals. I don’t know WHY I do this but I do.
Goal #4: Conquer chickpeas and winter squash by the end of Lent- meaning, I have to be okay with eating either with any meal, at any time. I am scared of them due to their carbohydrate content but I DO like them both, A LOT.
Goal #5: Spend at least 20-30 minutes with my parents after I eat dinner. Our get-home-from-work-schedules are not in-sync so I end up eating by myself every night. While I am totally comfortable with it, going into dinner I become this passive aggressive beast so before, during and after dinner I pretty much despise the world, have an attitude and the last thing I want to do is be around people. This is usually a time I cling to the internet and read blogs. So the jist of the goal is deal with my anger, and stop turning to the internet 24/7. I like to be “hidden” and away from the world and that needs to change especially considering I will be living with a guy in 2 weeks.
Goal #6: Read the bible at least 10-15 minutes before I go to sleep.
Now I may not beat and defeat every single one everyday but it gives my something to actively pursue everyday mentally besides my current how I can cut back food or how I can skimp here or there.I may not read the bible on the weekends because well I hope to get a life and have something to do. One thing I refuse to do is go all day without eating. I am really really good at fasting, it has never phased me in the least bit. It is almost too easy for me to simply not eat all day which is probably why I have a habit of eating a lot at night. Eating during the day makes me uncomfortable and then I sit and analyze it all day and worry about later. But the reality is later will still be what I want to eat regardless of what I eat during the day… humph I cannot seem to make the connections that food will be there 24/7 and I can have it WHENEVER I fancy and not when my ED fancies.
I am probably the most passive aggressive person I know. Given you cant pinpoint people who are passive aggressive, because duh, it is passive. But anything that ticks me off, turns me the wrong way or simply causes me anxiety and stress is all taken out on myself and my food. It is like if I get worked up and anxious I immediately take it all out on food. Its strange to actually write that because it sounds so darn silly, but really when I am mad, it becomes all about food. My mind starts hating me and pretty much anything but the thing is no one knows. I take it out with self hate, torment, and food restriction or rituals. Seems I get like this a lot too. I think it may be partly linked to the fact that certain things really annoy me. Like my lunch hour not being at 1pm everyday, the lady who works directly across from me who hums ALL day, people who get paid to walk around the office all day, space cadets I work with, slow people (this is mean I am sorry), and walking in the break room everyday to be overtaken by the grossly sweet smell of king cake, donuts, brownies, cookies- take your pick. That in itself pisses me off beyond belief. Then there are the ladies I work with (all overweight, save one of them) and bless their hearts, but they talk diet and nutrition all the time. Fat free oatmeal every morning for cholesterol or Cheerios because the BOX says it helps lower cholesterol (and this fact by the way is SO totally wrong) with skim milk, reduced fat wheat thins (hm wheat thin… didn’t know it was possible to make it sound any “healthier”). People ruining their health right before my eyes drives me UP THE WALL. I seriously wish I could just scream EAT REAL FOOD LIKE FROM THE EARTH!!!! They are ALL on blood pressure meds, cholesterol “lowering drugs,” hormone pills and a hoist of other junk. Ok rant over. But see where I get so damned annoyed and passive? I also notice that when people look at me I immediately assume they are thinking I am fat or have gained weight. Either that or they are starring RIGHT AT my stomach… insecure much? Why does everything get twisted in my mind? It enters my brain and from there is totally ED-skewed and comes out a mess but a comfort at the same time.
Found some more yummy stuff to try!
3 egg yolks room temperature
1 1/2 – 2 cups olive oil
3-5 tablespoons lemon juice or wine vinegar
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 teaspoon mustard
1 15-ounce cans of garbanzo beans
SPLASH lemon juice
1/4 cup tahini
1/4 cup olive oil
1-2 cloves garlic, crushed (to taste)
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
Pinch of cayenne pepper
Pinch of cumin
Pinch of paprika
1 cup basil
2-5 cloves garlic
1/2 cup Romano cheese (or parm.)
salt to taste
1/4-1 cup olive oil