holy crap….. 2481…calories today…i had NO idea i ate ths much lol….be back tomorrow to update…good gracious- slight freak out

**I plan to edit this post this evening to re-cap Ash Wednesday and the Lent season!**

WIN a veggie slicer from Burp and Slurp!!



Yes, a reality check. Thank you Shelley (whom I communicated with via e-mail this morning) even though my ED hates you at the moment I LOVE you for the help you gave me. Both her and Kate support a BMI of 20 in recovery to prevent any relapses. I plan to comply, as much as it is killin me, to get to a BMI of 20. Given my height and current BMI, I played with numbers this morning to conclude I have a GOOD bit of weight to gain still. I thought at first I was just a few pounds from being a healthy BMI. Naw lanky, I am a good 15 lbs from being close. When I saw how high my weight had to go I FREAKED for a minute. But here I am OBLIGATING MYSELF TO GET TO A BMI OF 20. stupid numbers. Sooo many freaking numbers in my head.


I am thinking about this meal plan stuff…and that maybe I need to be tracking my food intake simply to have an idea of how MUCH I am taking in and how MUCH I will continuously, EVERYDAY need to eat. Currently, I track nothing, I count/tally nothing, and do not count calories. I just eat meals and snacks. I was going to “test drive” punching in my food AFTER I eat today and it will all be un measured because if I measure anything I eat a LOT less and the whole measuring thing flips out my ED so it will be “round about” with calories. Trust me, I know my measuring visually I measured junk for some 4 years- damn that was hard to give up!

Thought about this…if I track my food it will be easier for me to make meals, easier for me to get OUT of this repeat meal thing because at the moment I rely on a LOT of the same food, meals and snacks because I know it fills me UP and it is dense and yes leaves me uncomfortably full and bloated but as is part of gaining weight. It will not harm me!


What are your guys thoughts on this?


And one more thing… I am moving next weekend. I have a house like 5 minutes from work with a guy I think I have mentioned before. More sleep-in for this girl! But the big move day is the 27-28th of this month. I sign the lease today for 6 months so no backing down. I have my bed and stuff sitting in the foyer of my parents house where I live now. Understand, the reason I am in Mississippi and live at home at 24 still is because of my ED. In 2006 when I was REAL bad off with anorexia in college my parents moved and insisted I drop out of FSU and move to Mississippi to be close and with them. Since then, I have lived at home. It has become comfortable. It is very routine and safe. They hold me accountable for eating and expect me to eat. They get on my back when I start acting up or currently they called me out when I relapsed(see previous showdown post).

Everything is set for moving…I am in the beginning/middle of recovering so yes I am uneasy about it all, and yes I sorta kinda am freaking out because on my own it is insanely hard to control my ED because nobody is watching. Living on my own(save the roommate) means my safety blanket of “home” is gone, my routine life will be ever changing…etc etc. Not to mention I will have to cook and eat all my meals with or around this new roommate so I am sure I will be flourished with questions/comments about how I 1. Eat so much so often and 2. eat “healthy”- well to some extent.

Yes I have thought about this a bit. I plan to have my older brother (who will be right down the street at his frat house) over for dinner even though he doesn’t like any of the food I eat I know he will come, calm me down and eat with me or at least hold me accountable to eat. I also plan to visit home kinda frequently at home to calm myself down, to eat, and just because I know it is a “safe” place. But at the same time this isn’t breaking out of my bubble acting like this so I don’t know if it is necessarily a good thing.


So, who lives on their own with an ED? Any advice or anything I should know etc?


GEEEEZ- this would be so flippin easy if I DIDN’T have an ED… still truckin… just had a t-bone salad for lunch YUMMM…I literally pick up the steak and eat right up to the bone haha