The human body simply absolutely amazes me. I cannot describe how complex it is and how much we as human beings living in our body’s day in and day out for as long as we are on earth do not understand so many aspects of being alive, of living, breathing and thinking. I can sit for hours trying to figure out how my brain is telling my fingers to type, how words and sentences make sense and result in communication. There are so many wires, messages and signals transferring through ones body at one time it is simply astonishing.
You live with your body 24 hours a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year. That is crazy to me. It is so complex! How well do we know our selves? How well do we know our brains? There are so many mysteries as to how the body performs and functions as it does that I doubt we will ever really pinpoint too many aspects as to how we are here- right here right now doing what we are doing. There are molecular levels, neural levels and then there is neurology, biology and physiology. There is so much to learn about the body and the aspects of it’s functioning but doesn’t it really boil down to understanding how well you know yourself? How well are you at understanding your functioning, your mind processes and your day to day living? How well can you read yourself? How much of what you think about yourself is you and how much of it is predetermined thoughts of routine and comfort? For me, that is where many problems lie. From the scale to food, I latch on to preconceived destinies for myself- or so it seems.
For example, I know when I step on the scale, what that number says will either result in comfort and ease, or it will result in frustration and anxiety. But there are two parts to this. One is the comfort of being in my ED. It doesn’t like to see the scale go above XXX and then there is me, who needs the scale to read above XXX because my sane mind process says I am in recovery and I need to gain weight. Both result in anxiety, fear and stress. I lose the “competition” mentally when I gain weight, according to me ED. I am a failure at keeping control and I am obviously a gluttonous fatty pants. My oh-so-little world is toppled by gaining weight.
If you haven’t guessed, I was flourished with anxiety when I got on the scale this morning. But I got on knowing convincing myself that if the number was not acceptable that my day was going to be hideous. The problem is I predetermined that the number was going to run my day, my thoughts and my actions. On how many levels was my body disrupted by seeing a number, on a scale? I could feel it in my legs, hear it in my head, and experience it in my nervousness and anxiousness this morning. My mood- I am not one to be around when I know I have gained weight. I utterly feel like a failure to life and I disappointment to myself. I am so bottled up with hate and remorse inside that I do not care to be around anyone, my mind is running a million miles a minute and food is constantly on my mind.
Mind you, had I been comfortable with the number I saw, I would be on cloud nine and in a great mood today. That’s sick. I would be that high energy full of life and happiness girl if the number had been different. But, regress, I need to be proud of what my body with its millions of functions day to day has accomplished. My God given body has performed an amazing wondrous task- it has gained weight. I need to be thankful and hopeful that this will become easier. There is no comparable feeling to the feeling the ED mind gets when it sees weight gain. Nothing sadly, is more important in that sick and twisted head than weight and what I eat. How selfish this disease is I cannot begin to even identify with.
It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end. Ursula K. Le Guin
But somehow, our body is able to come into harmony in itself. All the mental and energetic pathways our bodies perform everyday will one day be in harmony. When I understand myself, when I release the misfiring pathways in my brain and reorganize my thoughts, behaviors and destinies…when I can do this, I will be recovered. Recovery to me would simply be encompassed by a body functioning in harmony. Some will say it is the freedom from food obsession, a healthy BMI, a carefree attitude, and being able to exercise and live healthy. But isn’t all this based on the sole fact that your body needs to be in harmony? The mind-body relationship, when at ease with itself, is recovered. To me, it is simple as that. And to me, right now, I am not there.
Emotions in me are so strong right now and so confusing. My mind-body relationship with one another is equivalent to Tiger Woods marriage at the moment (by the way he is DOWN the street from me recovering from sex addiction- does that make me like somewhat famous?). I have never had so much anger in myself and with myself until I developed an ED. And even now, my anger is solely based within my ED. I do not have a temper, at all. I do not get frustrated or annoyed by anything besides my ED. Nothing, save death and illness, will bring emotion out of me. I just kind of “am”- whatever that means. But the ED links on to other parts of my life. Predetermining my mood for the day for example, is going to impact how I interact with others today, how I move, how I feel, how I sit, and how I eat. Now true, I didn’t exactly need to eat an entire bowl of almond butter last night after dinner during the little frump-on-the-couch boring night I had and yes, it most likely affected my overnight weight when I got on the scale. And now, half a jar of almond butter down, my ED will be there every step of the way like a tag along to make sure I am in a pissy mood and hateful toward the world.
If you create an act, you create a habit. If you create a habit, you create character. If you create a character, you create a destiny. André Maurois
But when I force myself into reality and fight the ED… people are not really going to be starring at my nonexistent love handles I swear developed overnight, they are not going to look at my double chin only I think exists, and they are not going to comment on my protruding bloated stomach because well, it isn’t. yes I may think all these things, but everyone I encounter today does not think like me and does not see this.
I have the chance, right here and now, to fight the ED. Will it be an act? Well to an extent yeah, it will. It is kind of like fake-it till you make-it. I can either let this recovery process be a living hell which will cause a shit load of self torment and self hate, or I can act in it and present myself as a sane, capable and charming person. From reading about recovery, whether I can make myself currently believe it or not, it DOES get easier with time. I am what, 2 or 3 weeks into recovering from a year long relapse? It’s early, I need to calm down and play the act- I suppose. Yes, easier said than done trust me I know. Food still runs my day, the clock is somewhat predictable of when i eat, and I cannot for the life of me sit on my ass all day long, even if I ever got sick. Which by the way, I don’t ever, like ever get sick. Nothing is ever “wrong” with my body per say besides my weight and BMI. Now my mind, that’s a different story. Maybe all the germs I run into day to day head straight to the mental processes in my head, making me sick…hah.
I need trust, and trusting myself is not something I am to keen on. It all boils down to trust. I need to trust my body that it will not blow up to obesity overnight. I need to CHANGE my thinking because what I SEE on a scale is not a determinant in my day and my mood. I need to STOP weighing (stating the obvious here) and anxiously await the day that I feel like my body is in a homeostatic state. The number need NOT determine my thinness or fatness. Had it visualized one pound lighter I would be feeling skinny today. So stupid. CHANGE YOUR THINKING MAL!
Well, an update on my life. This weekend, I was SOOO looking forward too if you couldn’t tell from the previous post. Well, come Thursday night Mississippi received an unheard of amount of snow. It was crazy. Have you ever gone to the people of Wal-Mart website and looked at all the weirdo’s they capture on camera? They need one of those entitled the Drivers of Mississippi… these people cannot to save their lives drive in the snow and ice. I have a ton of experience in it from living in Maryland most my life and attending a college where it snowed 24/7 and I actually enjoy it. Going in empty parking lots and pulling the e-brake to spin my car around is fun. Anyway, DJ (the boy) got called to storm work for our company Thursday night through this weekend. Date cancelled. I was upset I wont lie. He has to work ALL the time. He has missed thanksgiving, Christmas, now our date, AND Mardis Gras! Boy needs a break, to spend with me haha. So last night after work with no date I went to see my older brother at his frat house because he has a kidney stone at the moment. Funny I brought him that Acai juice I think it is called, a banana and some flavored yogurt…three things I will not touch but somehow it was okay for me to give it to him to get better. And today, Saturday, I am supposed to be posted on Bourbon Street for Mardis Gras celebrations. Well, it is like 40 degrees here and if you have ever been down to Lake Ponchatrain, you know the wind blows and gusts so it would be frigid. I couldn’t convince my parents to go. And yes, this morning when I woke up, got on the scale and saw the number, the last thing I wanted to do was go to Bourbon Street and feel fat all day. Grr this stupid ED is running my life and I hate it.
So, with changed plans, I am going to yoga, hopefully releasing some of this anger through all their quirky breathing and stretching, and getting on with my life. Sorry this is a downer post, but I feel much relief now that I have written it out. I know what I need to do, I know it sucks, but hey Kate and all you other wonderful bloggers who comment reminds me MUCH and often that it will get easier and I really truly believe it will.
PS- I just took a huge #2 and feel as though a weight has been lifted (TMI I KNOW LOL)