What does it mean to reach out to people in recovery? I never know what to tell them, how to express myself, and surely do not want to talk about food with them. I am a VERY introverted person and when it comes to things I need to do or fix with me personally, I do not want to express my “character flaws” to others. I always present myself as an independent, capable and hard-working individual. I have tried to talk ED talk and explain my mind process to people before, but I cannot for the life of me seem to figure out how to do it. I can express my opinions be it religious, spiritual and political, but geez when it comes to expressing personal feelings…cats got my tongue. I am always alone with my thoughts. I have them, a lot of them, sometimes good sometimes bad, and usually running through my head at warp speed. Many of my thoughts are so irrational that people would give me that confused crooked dog look and think I am crazy.
Maybe then, to keep this from happening and having that what-the-hell is wrong with you moment I am safer just keeping my thoughts to myself. Granted, it is nothing like one of my previous posts where I depicted a “night in my head” from an old journal but I also no longer weigh 87lbs. but I still feel a lot of remorse, a lot of hate, embarrassment, guilt and shame for what I have done not only to myself but to every life I have touched in the past few years. Is this another one of those “acceptance” times? I don’t know. I don’t know that I will ever fully be able to accept that I could be infertile, that I wasted some 4-5 years of my life, that I starved myself and almost died. How do you accept that? That’s not me, and I cannot let myself walk through life thinking It was or is okay. It seems anytime I try to open up, branch out, or express anything ED related I get these blank stares and strange “what the fuck” looks. It sucks.
Take last night. I wanted sausage… I do not eat sauage because it is full of MSG, preservatives, additives etc etc. SO, I bought a fatty cut of pork and had it grinded by the butcher. Then I went home, seasoned it and when it was cooking I was head over heels proud of myself because it smelled like sausage!!! I went to share this with my mom only to get this why the hell do you do that look and the comment “I just buy jimmy dean get over it.” WHAT THE ($^@()^$)@$@. Again, as always I felt incredibly stupid so I just ended it at that and went back to no longer enjoy a meal I was hoping to enjoy.
I am truly SO thankful I started blogging because I can get my feelings out here, I can express myself, my fear, my worries and my accomplishments and slip ups. This is great. I love blogging. While there is a list as long as a yard stick of blogs I need to stay away from there are many MANY helpful passionate about recovery bloggers out there who are such an inspiration to me. Seems no one in my life gets IT, so I feel like a alien.
SO—in my isolated and small little world I am running into a few problems. Granted, I figure I should actively “eat to gain” until I get my menstruation back, right? But here’s the thing…I have not had a period in over 5 years. Yes that scares the hell out of me, but my bones are surprisingly well(I have always eaten a good amount of protein save one or two years) so I am not too worried about osteoporosis- I have good genes which is how I think I survived my bad days of anorexia to begin with. I get a kick out of diet blogs with ladies COMPLAINING it is “TOM” and they are bloated and gained 5 lbs in a week- HELLO I WISH I had this problem!!!
Anywho, what is the needed BMI in this recovery weight gain thing? Can someone give me some sort of insight into a meal plan? Maybe I should e-mail for that because I know there are wandering anorexic eyes on the net that get off to this kind of thing. I had one at one time from a nutritionist and this is the same lady who advocated I eat fat free products and low fat yogurt…HOLY EW. I just seem so lost and confused. I still eat way more meat and protein than I know my body needs or can use at one time. I read a new study saying that a good BMI means a better recovery and less relapse. Ok genius I could have told you that but WHAT is a good BMI- not to mention I think the BMI scale is totally bogus but that’s beside the point. Obviously a year ago when I started zero carb thinking I was recovered I was at too low a BMI because hello relapse…way to start off the year strong Mal, good job (crowd applause).
I did do something cool a couple days ago! I made my own mayonnaise! I used coconut oil, olive oil, egg yolks, dash salt and dash lemon juice….welp, I would be lying if I said I was expecting real tasting mayo…this is coconut tasting mayo for sure. But I surprisingly enjoy it with shredded chicken and I think it would take well to a pork chop.
Another accomplishment…the yogurt container is gone!!! And I have TWO, count TWO jars of not butter open. No, I am not in fantasy make-it-taste-like-something-besides-peanut-butter land, but I have raw almond butter and tahinni opened and in use! I like them both mixed with mascarpone cheese (surprise more cheese lol) and eaten off the spoon or on celery or yogurt! The almond butter is a little sweet for me, but again, I think everything under the sun tastes sweet these days. Its just almonds…haha only ingredient. I am also using almond flour too!!!!!! Now honestly I have used it like 3 times but still this is big for me. I am trying to find things to use it with but usually I just either use it to coat chicken nuggets/tenders or to add in meat for a thickener. Like I had crab cakes earlier this week with my mayo over them (THIS WAS GOOD!) and used it in the crab cake “batter.”
One thing making my heart race this morning… I have a date for Valentines day tomorrow with boy…by the way he has a name, it is DJ. He said he wanted to take me out Friday night and asked if that’s okay. I was like sure what are we doing? He said it’s a surprise, but dinner is included. You woulda thought my heart stopped, life ended and dog just got run over when I heard this. I immediately went into ED mode 101 freaking the hell out. I am worried about where we are going, what I will eat, and I have a tough time with social eating because I am so worried about what other people think about me, how they watch me, and my attitudes towards food and eating in general. Then there’s my ED head which runs a zillion miles an hour when I am on a date if it includes food and I cannot seem to “be there” and encompass myself in any sort of conversation because my head will NOT slow down and shut up. I know I should just go, calm down before, and choose something safe off the menu in which I can be part of a conversation and enjoy the time I get to spend with him. That is so easy to type but 1000 times harder to DO. You know that part in Aladdin where the genie is a bee and goes “beeeeeeee yourself.” Yes, I could do that if I knew whooooooo I wassssss. How do you guys deal with dates and restaurants? I haven’t been to a restaurant like a real one, hell even on a date… in a VERY VERY LONG TIME. I have only in the 3 or 4 years I have lived in Mississippi been out to eat AND eaten once, red lobster to celebrate a raise I got at work. Other times have been for work meetings or gatherings which I didn’t eat at.
I am very conservative politically
I am an accountant
I am very giving of myself to others
I am curious about life and people
I am Roman Catholic
I am out spoken when I am comfortable
It takes a lot of pushing for my temper to be set off visually- a lot of pushing
I am a sister to an older and younger brother
I am tall, have dark hair and eyes and catch an incredibly amazing tan in the summer
I can read my thoughts but don’t always act on them
A few scattered thoughts from the past couple days:
*I am at that stage where I am not “sick enough” to recover and second guessing if I even need to recover and gain weight. Teeter totter in my brain and its annoying. “If I lose ___ lbs then I’ll be able to gain and start recovery” type thinking.
*If I didn’t despise the Obama administration enough before I now TRULY despise Michelle Obama and her “chubby” child comments. GRR!!! See a previous post where I have molded in my mind at a young age that “there is no future for a fat cheerleader”
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTIjRxT_Y9g This You Tube video should be taken OFF OF you tube because this lady, bless her heart, is not recovered or seemingly going anywhere IN her recovery
Anorexia Meal Plans…HAHA I ate those food listed in my “anorexic days” this article needs to vanish from the net as well
I probably won’t post again until Sunday morning (but I may haha) because my date is tomorrow and Saturday I am heading to Bourbon Street for MARDIS GRAS!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT! I HOPE IT WARMS UP!!!! Thank you for all your comments I REALLY DO appreciate it and enjoy seeing and responding to them!