Part of recovering is acceptance

Part of recovering is being pissed- at everything

Part of recovery is making you enjoy food

Part of recovery is crying

Part of recovery is feeling fat

Part of recovery is a new body

Part of recovery is ACCEPTING that new body

Part of recovery is battling your own mind

Part of recovery is sitting all day at a desk with this “new body”

Part of recovery is attempting not to rash out at people at your job for no reason

Part of recovery is staying off the scale

Part of recovery is the return of your menstrual cycle

Part of recovery is looking forward to something besides exercise

Part of recovery is thinking about things besides food

Part of recovery is breaking safe rituals

Part of recovery is accepting and feeling my thoughts changing and racing every 1.2 seconds

Part of recovery is beating IT to the ground, not you

I am undeniably scared shitless of eating my way into obesity and becoming a binge eater. This is my single wholly largest fear in the whole entire world. Binge-a-phobia…I just made my own word. I am doing this “recovery” on my own. No help- no nutritionist, no dietician, no nothing. I talk myself through recovery and I talk myself into eating every single day. How do I know when I have a good meal plan? How do I know if I am eating too much or too little?? I get so overwhelmed and confused, usually at night debating with myself what the hell to eat, how to make it, how to eat it, and then debate whether I ate enough that day, whether I need a snack….and then I am full and can’t sleep and worry all night I have blimped up and become obese- overnight. This is so irrational and it ruins my entire day, almost everyday. I desperately need to find some different meal combos. I feel like I live off cheese as my sole source of fat and protein…

I tried going through the foodie blogworld but my only conclusions were (in ABC fashion):

 

A) I am a fatass comparable to others eating

B) I get obsessed with food blogs and I feel overly fat after viewing them

C) I eat a shit load more food than any blogger

D) I hate oatmeal- I think everyone else does too because they add 29384623 ingredients to it. if you want a brownie have a brownie, do you need brownie oatmeal? Carrotcake oatmeal?

E) I can’t understand someone eating tofu-riki-sagana and whatever else they make “tofu” into

F) I am seriously grateful I am not around the bathrooms of some food bloggers. If I ate green smoothies, chia seeds, and raw vegetables, high fiber bars/wraps like that I would be a walking, talking, bloated, FARTING GAS PASSING MESS

G) I didn’t know nut butters came in every flavor on God’s green earth

H) If I need to “diet” in the future (due to my obsession on swearing ill become a binge eater) I have some blogs to remember.

I) I miss sweet potatoes…I’m a pansy and am to scared to add the carbs back

J) I don’t think anyone realizes they are missing all the nutrients in eggs by living off egg-whites

K) There are 93458295 different “bars” (Lara, Luna, balance…)

L) There are 923469123 different ways to make a sandwich look big and appetizing when it is really in a 50 calories wrap/20 calories slice of bread and full of vegetables…nice try

M) Peanut butter comes to the second degree and comes calorie free…I can’t imagine how disgusting that is

N) 99% of food bloggers do not eat REAL food; rather they portion out amounts of food in boxes, bags, jars, and containers (15 crackers, 12 hopping bunny graham crackers, one 5 oz orange, one half slice cheese)

O) Laughing cow cheese is a staple- ew….crap is processed. Its like the white version of velveeta!

P) I have only ever heard of hemp being used to make necklaces, anklets etc…people eat this stuff?!?!

Q) Pumpkin seems popular…hmm maybe because it is low calorie? You can get 10000 times the vitamin A from a single chicken liver.

R) There is a LOT OF vegetarians out there.

S) Following R, the soy consumption is ungodly large as well

T) Everyone is different, but many of the food bloggers feed off each other it seems

U) How do these people eat so little AND exercise?!

V) There are many ways to “mock” real food- MANY

W) Kale chips actually sound like they would be good- I want to try seaweed too.

X) I was confused on Gluten…now I am fully aware. There are as many gluten free products as there are fake-me-out meat products.

Y) I wish I had Fage Yogurt in Mississippi

Z) I wish I had Whole Foods and Trader Joes in Mississippi…I am obviously missing out!

 

And I know, everyone is different, everyone has different needs, wants, and ideas of what healthy is. I want Trader Joes and Whole Foods!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh my head needs to sllloooowwww downnn….let’s get on to other news…

Today is my daddy’s birthday. I am such a daddy’s girl, and my dad and I bond easily because we both have the “offness” in our heads. His veers towards anxiety and temper but not food. Mine explodes with my anorexia(or now lack thereof).

 My dad got my flowers

The BOY- he has been keeping my up to all hours of the night J I think I like him. I am scared to like him. I am scared to open up to someone. Maybe it will be good for me. God forbid I share some daily stories and feelings with someone besides my own head.

 

I went out Friday, got sorta-tipsy taking shots, danced, sat around till 4am when the soberness kicked in and drove home. It was fun- I guess…I’m so out of the frat boy drink drank drunk stage…please, I’m 24 I like to do more adult things lol. MUST…FIND…..GROUP OF FRIENDS…

 

SUPERBOWL

 

MY SAINTS WON!!!!!!!!!GEAUX SAINTS! WHO DAT!?!?! I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW INTO THIS GAME I WAS. I PLAYED CATCH WITH MY DAD BEFORE THE GAME, HELPED COOK UP A POT OF GUMBO (I hate this stuff…I HATE IT not ED bleh I don’t do the Cajun spices), got my nails did (and I concluded I do a better job), screamed my head off, ran down our development yelling WHO DAT after the game, screamed and laughed some more….good night.

 Monday, boy came back to the yard from storm work and came in the office to see me. Happy, nervous, anxious. Seriously though, he may be shyer than ME!!!!!!! So it eases me a little bit to be around him. What u like : we are both outdoorsy and love the water. He hunts, fishes, boats etc etc. I LOVE water boarding, knee boarding, jet sking, crabbing, fishing…I would even love to learn to hunt- kill my own food! Maybe I would have a new respect for hunger and food?! Haha. I felt pretty yesterday and good about my body. Today I seem to have done a 180 in my mental well being and have been NAGGED BY ED ALL FRIKIN DAY. Hello UP hello DOWN…

 

I may make these for dinner:

Recipe: Fried Chicken Fingers

Ingredients:

500g chicken thigh, skin on or off

2 eggs, beaten in a bowl

50g almond flour

1t paprika

1t cumin

1t thyme

1t garlic powder

1t parsley

Optional salt & pepper

1/2 cup coconut oil

Method:

1. Heat oil in a solid (ceramic or cast iron) frying pan over low heat.

 2. Slice chicken into long strips, about 1/2″ thick.

 3. Place strips in bowl of beaten egg, and toss with hands until coated.

 4. In a wide bowl or plate, mix almond flour, herbs and spices.

 But I probably won’t because I will change my mind 29346810834 times before and I have only used my almond flour once…scares me. One benefit from food bloggies… I get some ideas for vegetables…I simply just oil/butter, roast and eat…now I have some ideas.

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