Well, FINALLY FRIDAY! This has been one long week. Cold, rain, bleh- I hate anything but sunny 90 degree summer days. My office at work is eerie quiet right now, I should be taking advantage of it and getting lots of work done…but…ehh.

 

One of my goals in recovery is to un-isolate myself from the world. Tonight, I plan to go tan after work, go home and fix dinner and then fix up all hot-n-sexy (hah sike!) and go to my brother’s frat party at USM campus. I probably won’t drink, but I already assured a few of the guys who invited me I WILL be attending and I requested good dancing music. So, I have myself held accountable not only for going but for dancing haha. This way, I can’t anxiety-overthinking-regretfully back down at the last minute and become a hermit at my house roaming the internet at recovery blogs wishing I was them further along pushing myself. I WILL BE pushing myself and getting out there! I must admit, I am kind of excited.

Nervous too, I do not have any clue what to wear. Yikes, this could be an all nighter just fixin up. I blow dried my hair without styling it this morning so that I can just throw it in hot rollers before I leave. If I style my hair and then try and roll it, it wont curl. But if I dry it without brushing and pulling through the round brush, I guess the extra body lets my hair hold curl better? Iunno lol but it made getting ready quick this morning and easy for tonight! I will do my best to snap shot a few pictures while I am out.

I am hitting up Bourbon Street next Saturday for Mardis Gras and can I tell you I AM SO EXCITED. The parade we are going to starts at 11am, but probably won’t hit the French quarter until sometime around 2ish or so. Parades are LONG, loud and last alllllll day. I will be away from home from probably 8am until 8pm. I PRAY IT IS NOT COLD! So, obviously FRED’s first though upon being away from the house from morning till night is no eating- easy speezy you THINK. Nope, I plan to eat before we leave, and bring food (no idea what though) so that I don’t have ANY anxiety on bourbon street with food to deal with- I want to ENJOY Mardis Gras and run around like a crazy lunatic decked out in gold, purple and green. See, this makes the problem solved before there would be one. I mine as well not make a problem of “mal having to eat” so I fix it before it happens! Not to mention, I HATE Cajun food. I hate the holy trinity of cooking. And for you non southerners- that’s celery, peppers and onions…it is cooked in EVERYTHING. Bell peppers and sautéed onions are probably one of my least favorite foods in the whole entire world, and the sweet/spicy Cajun thing going on down here- I disgress, I hate it.

ANNND…SUPERBOWL IS 2 DAYS AWAY!!!! GEAUX SAINT GEAUX SAINT!! WHO DAT SAY GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS! Again, I will be celebrating like a wild child on Sunday too. Not drinking, but I will be out in full New Orleans spirit force cheering on the saints. I wish I could be on bourbon street THIS weekend because between the Saints in the Super bowl and Mardis Gras parades starting this weekend, I am 100% positive that place is absolutely a nut house. People watching is just oh-so amusing sometimes.

On a side  note, I stopped at the doctor this morning to get weighed because I can kinda do that whenever I want consider when I was in outpatient I HAD to go there and get weighed. I have gained .8 pounds in I think 12 days? Obviously I thought for sure it would be a good 5-10 lbs but I will take what I can get. I am learning SO much about HOW to deal with my mind, and how to control MAL and how to ACCEPT parts of recovery I realized I was not accepting. I am happy to report I am not procrastinating in this, which in the past has been something I was real good at. Recovery could always just wait because I would like to stay the same just a little bit longer, stay in my comfort zone just until ___ and eventually I never got to the recovery thing though I would boast being “in recovery.” Now, I am actively pursuing and I would love to scream I want out of recovery! But, guess what, I think I will stick around this time and live it through, work through it, and damnit LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF!

Now on the iffy front… I still can never decide what to eat and even if I think I know what to eat there’s a million other things I think I may want to eat. Take last night. For dinner I had planned cabbage fried in bacon grease with beef- ya know beef-n-cabbage. I was going to throw some sour cream and cheese in and do a stroganoff type of thing. On the side I was going to have a bowl of yogurt…well. Come last night I stopped at the grocery store to get cabbage. And let me tell you, I hate the grocery store. I stand there idle for like 985491834 light years looking at food wondering what the hell I want. What kind of meat? Well what’s on sale? What’s the least processed meat or freshest cut? Yikes, what veggies are in season? Where did they import this banana-jalapeno-squash-pepper looking thing from? Needless to say, it takes twenty time longer than it should. So back to last night, I went to get beef and cabbage- that’s it. I walked out with spinach, portabellas, 2 jalapenos, brussel sprouts, sour cream and beef. I did not get cabbage…?? I don’t even know why maybe I forgot.

Anyway I got home and ended up making sautéed spinach and beef with lotsa feta and olive oil basted brussel sprouts.  NOT beef and cabbage with yogurt like I had wanted all day. Soo regress, after dinner I was not satisfied and couldn’t figure out what I wanted. I had celery with way to much Tahinni I could barely get water down it was so much of it and so thick and rich. Then I had cheese and pickles… then some chicken with sour cream and 3 cheeses. I NEED SET IN STONE DECISIONS ON FOOD so I do not keep doing this eat-everything because I don’t eat what I want when it is time. It is amazing what this did to my “mental well being.” I was flippin out inside and way to full…celery after bed is probably not the world’s greatest Einstein idea. I have some sort of mental target I kind of reach to achieve everyday, but literally someday I cannot fit it all in and some days I fit in much more(last night) but I suppose in the grand scheme of things it all evens out. My mom says she has some days where she is a bottomless pit and some days where she doesn’t even think about food (oh talk about my jealousy, people DO THIS? A day with thinking about food?!?). but for the time being, and me not understanding to much about my body processes, hormones and lack thereof, and needing to gain, I set myself a basic meet-it goal. No numbers of calories. Just eat at meal times and eat snacks. Eat what you want, not what’s “healthiest.”

One other problem… I seem to “save” my hunger for night time. I don’t know why. Maybe because I am more comfortable at home? But I am good at disregarding food (not totally) and not eating like I should all day then come dinner time I am able to eat a good full meal, then snack at night. I HATE THIS. It makes me so anxious and stressed and worried. Not to mention, I have trouble sleeping because I am full. I would like a good few hours between dinner and bed. Not dinner, snacky snacky straight to beddy.

Any ideas?

Did you ever do this?

 It freaks me out like I get shaky hands because if I haven’t met my “goals” or think I have eaten enough I end up shoveling it all in at night time. Why night time?? I have no idea.

One other thing. I seem to make my meals “lighter” and my snacks very dense. Seems like things I want are always snackable and not meal-worthy. Like yogurt- cant make a meal out of it. and tahinni, as much as I would LIKE to make a meal out of it I cant. And cheeeeessseee…. Is this normal?

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