SOO…. What did I do this weekend!? Well I ended up FREEZING all day Saturday. Like it is uncanny cool down here in Mississippi. Us southerners do no DO cold. It is snowing in northern Mississippi right now! Anywho, yoga was very relaxing, ii think I pulled a calf muscle…how do you manage that at YOGA?! Who knows but I can feel one of them when I walk. Don’t worry I am keeping my sexy strut with the pain- HAH! I tanned and showered at the gym after yoga (free hot water) and did myself up to head to the mall. Truth- I think the guy at the counter at the gym is sooo cute. He made sure he said bye too me and I turned around, gave him the “eye” and waved (you know all cool like). I am such a dweeb.
So then I headed to the mall to eat at THE FOOD COURT. This is colossal guys, not like go get a bowl of lettuce and sit there. I went and ate a meal there! Around all 938465923485 of the other people there! I ate a McAllister’s, which is a deli/salad/bistro type of place. When I was in line waiting on my order I noticed a table of three guys in the court. One had his camera phone out and opened. HE WAS TAKING MY PICTURE! Oh how violated I felt. I got my food and found like the only open table there hoping someone would sit with me because I couldn’t find any solo eaters to sit with. So I acted like I was texting people while I was eating. It took me a while. I started getting way anxious and fast paced heart, but I finished and headed to a couple stores for window shopping and clothes try-ons in which I couldn’t buy because I left my debit card in my car on purpose.
Then I stopped at TJ Maxx and got BANK on this huge bottle of olive oil in a black glass bottle (it is fresher in a dark bottle!) for $6! I was like SCORE! I also found some organic chai tea. I was thinking of adding it in sometime during the day with cream. I have this thing about not drinking ANYTHING but water- not even diet soda or unsweetened tea. So adding in tea is a big step. Obviously I drink coffee haha but a girl has necessities. After I scored big at TJ Maxx I headed to the frat house. My older brother is in Phi Kappa Tau at Southern Miss and is president of the frat, so his sister coming by is a huge deal. Everyone treats me like a walk on water but in reality they all genuinely adore me. I can be myself around them and we can talk about anything. Thing is, I’m past that stage in my life. I am not a hang-out-get-wasted-at-the-frat house kind of girl anymore. I have grown up and I have a full time job and a bit more respect for myself than I did in college in Maryland when I got shit faced every night, danced the night away and forgot everything I said and did. I miss it, but I don’t plan to restart it. Those guys are pretty much my only social outlet I have at the moment so I do like to go over there on the weekends when I have time, but come 8pm or so I dip out because I’m not staying around to watch over make-uped drunk girls in slutty outfits come over and act obnoxious and annoying. Just to tell y’all, I am NOT a girl’s girl. I don’t seem to click with girls. I love getting dressed up and feeling sexy and love jewelry and looking good as the next girl, but the hang out, gossip and giggle thing- not me. Guys however I can get along with them all- gay straight soccer lovers or rugby hard cores.
A bunch of the frat guys were working on a dance competition thing they have in a couple weeks to the Neptune’s songs. Now you must understand I have a wild PASSION for dance, especially choreographed hip hop. I was an all-star cheerleader growing up and I choreographed dances all the time. I even did a few in college for our squad. I LOVE THIS STUFF. I would die to get back into it as well. It truly makes me SO HAPPY to make up dances for cheerleading, back up dancing, hip hop you name it I am all over it. In the summers in Maryland when I was home from college for break I would go to the gym(not to work out) and use the workout room full of mirrors to spend HOURS, I mean HOURS making up dances. I was so into it. I miss that. Maybe I should try and look into a cheerleading coaching position or helping for choreographing.
Well anyways after that I looked for my brother, couldn’t find him so I was going to WHO DAT SAINTS his room but I knew he would get livid with me because he is a Vikings fan so I restrained and left. He will be home today because it is Sunday and he comes home to eat all day on Sundays lol. I should tell you a little about him. He is 2 years older than me. He has a temper like you havenever seen. I don’t mean this exaggerating AT ALL. HE GETS SO INCREDIBLY obnoxiously embarrassingly mad, and usually about nothing. He stomps, his heart races, he sweats, he yells, he punches things and he acts like a lunatic. You can usually see it coming in his eyes. Something just “clicks” the wrong way and you know get the hell out of dodge. He was in the army special forces military intelligence for 5 years. He spent 2 years in Iraq after the break of 9/11 at a time when Iraq was a hellish place to be. He has sleeping problems. He was a hardass. He cannot share with anyone what he did or went through because it was Special Forces and they are top notch psychos. He has shared with me a couple things which shape how ‘off’ he is now.
First, he watched a guy get blown to a million pieces when he stepped on a shrapnel bomb. Literally, like you imagine in a movie, he watched as someone got blown up. He said you can’t do anything about it; you’re in the middle of war and you have to keep going, no turning back.
Next, the tent he was staying in for 4 months was rotated one evening, as in his mission was being moved to a different place and he had to leave that evening before turning in. there was a guy coming to take over his tent. He knew the guy- he had a wife and soon to be born child in south Carolina. That night, the tent was bombed, the guy who moved in died and my brother is now an atheist. He cannot understand how God would take this guys life when it was my brothers tent, he was supposed to be the one there, and how his life was more valuable than the other guy who never got to see his first born child. He absolutely tore my brother up. He saw a lot more while there but those two stories give me goosebumps. He has a lot of life experience and maturity for someone his age. I admire him while at the same time know to an extent he can work on controlling his temper. He has anxiety like me, he taps his feet, bites his nails and over thinks things etc etc. We get it from out dad (hereditary disorders…I totally believe in the gentic link to ED’s).
Okay enough about that. I came home after the frat house and made myself a huge dinner trying to use up my brussel sprouts! I tossed them in about ¼ cup olive oil and oven roasted them. Very greasy very good. I had some chopped up chicken cooked in ghee/butter mixed with some spices. And a chicken liver YUM my favorite. Holy that’s a lot of food and I ate it all. I felt stuffed. I got nervous about it. I felt like I had way overeaten and I was sure I would gain 984654 pounds by morning. But alas, I am still alive, I still have a heartbeat, but God damnit this is hard. I feel a rant coming up…
WHY WHY WHY THE HELL DID I STARVE MYSELF. I cant understand what it is I feed off of and get out of starvation. Comfort, control, de stressing… but it makes no sense how the hell I figured out I could get it from doing something so flippin dangerous to my body. Do you ever think about death? Like you dying? I do. It scares the flippin shit out of me. Actually, it doesn’t scare ME as much as I would be scared about my family. I cannot imagine what would happen if something happened to me ED related health wise. They would never be able to live it down. They would be stuck with resentment, confusion and what-ifs. I will not let that happen but I think about it I won’t lie. I’m scared at how much I have fucked up my body. Recovered anorexics die everyday from cardiac arrest whether they are starving themselves or not- whether they are a healthy weight, overweight or underweight. I cannot undo the damage but I can keep pushing forward. I can make to most of everyday the rest of my life. I can love my family. I can talk to people I love. I need to find “outs.” Like, I need to find things that help me deal with these fat feelings, the restrictive feelings, the wanting to get caught in food ruts/repetition feelings, the refusing to let myself grow out of clothes, the health freak attitude etc….the list could go on forever. I am still uneasy, very uneasy about eating vegetables. I adore and love meat. Fatty rib eye or leaner chicken. It is all safe. I know I can survive on it. However, I can also survive just as well WITHOUT IT. I need to realize this. Protein, animal fat and sources are all essential to health. But I do not need to fall back on them for EVERY SINGLE MEAL.
And the amount of food…goodness…Im glad I don’t take pictures of everything I eat like some of you all. I would flip a panic attack. You would be able to feel my heart beat from wherever you are!
My little brother gets out of Afghanistan this week!!!!! Oh geez I am so excited. He has been gone for a year or so now. He will be back at fort Bragg this week! I won’t see him, but boy he will be on American soil. It is a good feeling. He followed in my older brothers steps and did Military intelligence in he special forces and got all the good cuts because my brother outranked everyone who recruited him. But, like brothers, my little brother had to one up my older and got his wings. Maybe I can jump out of a plane with him one day. How cool would that be!? He is the one on the left ❤
Mkay- so all in all, I am still alive and kicking after a few freak out episodes this weekend. I have yet to even slip up, but c’mon we are humans too. I am flourished with ED thoughts and screams like 24/7. writing about it helps. Maybe that is why my post is so gosh darned long! Love you guys and appreciate all your support! MUAH!