I need to come up with some coping mechanisms for myself. My attitude, for the moment is in the right place. I have been able to argue myself silly about eating and actually do it. I get a racy heart beat and all the trembling included, but in the end time will make it easier. This does not hide the fact however that I am ashamed, embarrassed and obviously stressed about weight gain and introducing new foods constantly. I get so, so anxious and I over think everything from what job to do at my desk to what or where to go for lunch. So, how do you guys keep you brain occupied? What strategies do you have for dealing with “ED” and blowing it clear outta the water? I am open to suggestions! Here is what I have come up with.
Problem: Food upsets me. Solution: I am more comfortable eating alone. I know this is disordered, however it allows me to focus on the food rather than feel ashamed and like I am being starred at. Eventually I will have to face it and get over it but I am more comfortable eating more food and variety by myself. I am very independent. I accomplish a lot more tasks on my own and without help. I do not want people to stare at me as I eat, very stressful.
Problem: I sit all day behind a desk, and I require mentally to do something or I absolutely flip a shit. Solution: Walks. Not power-work-it-off-baby or walk-away-the-pounds stuff. I mean leisurely in the sun walks. The sun makes me happy; it boosts my mood and relieves my anxiety. I like to be hot. I wish summer was year round.
Problem: Feeling clothes touch my stomach/waist. Solution: Don’t wear tight clothes. Not always possible. So I wear pants & skirts cut above the hip and belly button. This covers my “belly” and allows it to be “hidden” in clothes. Like in my profile picture, you can only see my rib cage (which annoys me because for a female I have a HUGE rib cage lol). Also, I simply have to get use to clothes touching my stomach. I don’t like to wear loose clothes, it’s not attractive. And when I do I get real self conscious when I walk and it blows against my stomach like outlining it. Go figure, I feel fine in a bathing suit though (?).
Problem: People questioning my food. This ranges from “why are you eating vegetables now?” to “HOW WAS YOUR CABBAGE!?!?!” Solution: I’m not sure. For some reason I feel like a failure having other people watch me eat vegetables or having people know I eat vegetables. I also hate to be asked HOW my vegetables were because if I told the truth (I would like to take my fork and fling them at the wall) I would have to sound like a lunatic. I simply say “fine” in reply now. I cant figure out why the questioning get on my very last nerve though.
Problem: I get some incredible rage and anger after eating. I constantly feel like I’m about to just lose it and I cannot seem to control it. the worse it gets the faster my heart beat gets, the more fist clutching I do and the more general hate I have for the world. Solution: I am hoping with time and weight this gets easier because I am already a burden on so many people and my horrendous post meal moods are not helping the situation. I have tried to “knock some sense” into myself and fight it but the rage simply just sits there like a demon needs to exit my body. Maybe I need a post meal exorcism… sike. I also do puzzle books & type out my feelings. I cant watch TV because I can’t pay attention to it- even movies I can’t watch my attention span for them is nilch.
Problem: Weight. I am scared of losing from where I am now and I am scared of gaining. This boggles my mind like I’m stuck in some fight one way and fight the other way battle. Am I republican or am I democrat? Am I gaining weight or am I losing? I surely do not want to know because I am confident in my eating and my expansion of my diet recently. The scale is not somewhere I need to be. However I am bombarded with thoughts about gaining and losing. Solution: I would have my parents weigh me, however I think they would throw me in IP if they knew my weight at the moment(at least around what I “think” it is). Either that or they’d start force feeding me and I would move out. I have been that route before and it turned in to daytime starving and working out because after work, I knew my face was getting shoveled with food complete by bowls of ice cream. I have way too much determination and courage in beating this that I will only ask for help when I think it will be “helpful.” I think I should start going to the doctor again on Friday mornings and having nakey blind weigh-ins. Except this time, no quarters and water loading. Holy geez I am ashamed of some stuff I have done. Thing is I literally don’t want to know because I don’t want to care.
What I do want:
I have such odd mood swings and feelings. One minute I think I am on top of the world (yesterdays post which I will read EVERYDAY) and the next I am raging against everything. I want my parents there for me when I am absolutely at my whit’s end. I do not want them to tell me to “get over it.” and “it’s all in your head” or “you can’t think that way.” This results in an ungodly amount of anger on my part and total break down because obviously, if I could control it I wouldn’t have a flipping eating disorder in the first place. I get mad even writing about it. I want them to simply sit there while I bash it out against everything; while I tell them I want to bawl my eyes out because I ate a bowl of vegetables. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and have them there to hug me and tell me it will be okay- because I really want to believe in the end, it will all be okay. But at the moment it is not, and I am not. I need someone there for me. I literally have no friends in Mississippi- they all live in Maryland and because of my preoccupation on whatever and unsocialness I rarely talk to them. A phone call can help, but my parents will be who I need to turn to, in person. I feel so bad for them having to deal with me because neither of them understands anorexia AT ALL. They get fed up with me, annoyed, confused and angered by me- as do my two brothers. Yes, it is because they love me, but I really wish they understood the capacity and the seriousness of anorexia. It seems like they see this vain, self centered, incontrollable child in me. Actually I know they do because my mom informed me of how self centered I was at our recent “showdown.” Mississippi does not have ED clinics or support groups. We have a weight watchers place close to work and I see obese people go in there 24/7 (go figure- DIETS DON’T WORK). I don’t have money for a counselor or therapist I can barely get by as it is now. And I make more than my dad, so asking my parents for money is a nonexistent possibility.
So, hash me out!!!!!!! How do you guys mentally deal with “ED brain?” I know most of it is simply I have to let this phase exist, feel it, and have it pass with time.
I plan this week to add some drink or beverage besides water to my consumption. This kind of leaves only tea- which kinds do you like? I don’t drink soda or juice and milk I am way against because of the pasteurization process and fake additions (sugar) to it (my cheese is all raw from a farm).
Accomplishments so far this week: I felt incredibly overwhelmed after dinner last night. It was a combination of feeling like I was being starred at when I was cooking, having the drunken neighbor over sitting at the table so I had to eat elsewhere, and the large consumption of food made my temples start POUNDING away. Therefore, I laid on the couch, tried some deep breathes (didn’t work) and decided bed was where I needed to be. If I was this worked up and emotional after one meal I obviously was like an overworked baby who needed sleep! I have had over 5 different vegetable this week!!!!!! I added vegetables during all meals as opposed to only at dinner. I must hold myself accountable and I have! No one “sees me” during the day which makes it easy to not eat and easy to only have meat. Well I have no done that. Yes, I felt literally sick today before lunch due to this new digestion thing, but I ate anyways. And lastly, I am absolutely addicted to coffee/caffeine. I have MASSIVELY cut back my consumption to one cup, full of heavy cream. Keeps the highs and lows at bay too.
I read this today : Changing your habits is a lot like changing your physique; it takes a lot of hard work and effort, and after a while, most of us revert to our old selves, which means our habits reenter our lives. Still, wanting to change is not an entirely dismissable goal, it just requires a lot of will power, patience, and the right degree of responsibility for what you can and cannot control.
Well there it is. I have willpower and responsibility! And I am VERY PROUD I have been placing “it” where it needs to be.