NOPE! No longer is anorexia my identity, no longer will it be my fall back, no longer is it my safe zone, and no longer will there be relapses. This I promise myself from here on out. So what is there to have purpose with? Recovery for one. I am absolutel f-ing sick of this disease. I am frustrated it takes so long to get over and I am frustrated for my lack-there-of in recovery thus far. This is so damned hard I don’t even know how to describe it or pinpoint it. So I am shifting the identity as anorexic to RECOVERING positively and forcefully from anorexia. Eventually, I hope THAT identity will taper off and simply be a figment of my past- something I no longer have to worry about. I feel like I have been down this path before. I have weighed more than I currently do before. I CAN and HAVE gained weight before in recovery but for some God forsaken reason I have gone on to lose it again and now besides the past 4 days had been down at ground zero AGAIN. NO MORE RELAPSES I PROMISE THIS TO MYSELF. I love myself to much and I am to f-ing annoyed with anorexia that this simply IS going to happen and WILL be accomplished.
No more distraction in comfortable fantasy land where everything is controlled. No more mind wandering on food, continuance in this game and justifications. Simply NO. Recovery is a distraction from the reality of my life at the moment, yes and it is still an unwanted identity, however with time and physical/mental healing it will become a thing of the past. I don’t get why I fight WITH the disease when I need to be fighting AGAINST the disease. No more scape goating.
It’s no secret that my eating disorder spun out of control last year and I did my God damned best to make it look like I was doing wonderful, the world was great, and my health was astounding. Simply because I have good blood work, do not get sick, and can function has no bearing on whether I am recovered. PLEASE, I was hell bent on maintaining ___lbs on zero carb because I could without hating the world and wanting to end my life. As time went on, my body and my brain simply fell out of sorts. I was weak, I was constantly preoccupied, I had high days and low days and my eating obviously, was no where near ideal. Then came the self hatred, my remorse and general confusion over everything.
The blog post previously titled “afterthoughts” was actually written 3 days BEFORE my encounter with my parents. I was planning on and knowing I needed to change because a Godsend lady named Suzanne had called me out about my behavior. It was like SNAP, hello you’re acting a fool and playing life in this numb-sense feeling. I knew that but wouldn’t admit it. She pointed it out, and the final collapse was an encounter with my parents. So here I am, trying my best to pull myself out of this hole. I refuse to lose this time. I refuse to give in. There are NO TAKEBACKS IN LIFE and I am exasperated to no end with this recovery thing. I will do it right this time so I NEVER have to be at this stage again.
No longer will my control and safety be all I need to get by because frankly, it will also be what will get me by. I will not have control and will wildly be out of my comfort zone. BUT I DON’T care. I WANT recovery. I do not think I actually consciously realize just how much food I need to eat to gain weight. IT IS A LOT. Holy anxiety-shaky-knee-crazy person syndrome. That’s me when I realize the amount of food I need to eat. But I have done it, for 4 days straight now. No cutting back, no portioning, FREAKING EATING. FREAKING OUT BUT FREAKING EATING.
I surprisingly have not broken down in tears one time, but I am sure it is around the corner somewhere. But maybe not, because I am so royally annoyed with anorexia that I may just has out and stay a hardass through it all. Yes, I’m somewhat sane, the clutches of this disease are ripping my brain and self image apart but it’s only gonna happen AGAIN if I give up. Maybe it’s the writing and the blogging?! Maybe it is the determination and support I get from YOU GUYS! I don’t know but so far so-somewhat-good.
Really, what do I or any sufferer have to lose? It’s like a roller coaster ride this recovery thing is. It’s “okay” right now, I am breathing, eating and dealing. I am shoving away bad thoughts. I have a feeling with more weight is will become FRIKIN harder. Each pound will get harder and harder. I’m ready. Like a suited up, mask on, stick defending hockey goalie. I am going to take every hit with stride and deflect it. No disordered cheap shots getting past me this time.
There is a bit of control and planning needed. If I don’t plan my meals and make them myself I simply wont eat. But I do with based on what I want, yes I WANT, not what anorexia wants. No safe weight stalling- this is a biggie for me. I tend to get up to certain weights and stick there, and not get up to where I need to be. Doing this guaranteed relapse and set the stage for my current one I’m dealing with. I was scared to give in and get rid of the little bit of disordered patterns I had left. I just felt like I needed to hold on- but seriously, WTF for?! So I am scared of anorexia but I am scared of leaving it. FIGHT IT I WILL. I want completely out of this game this time.
Take it in stride. I want to force myself to be proud of each meal I eat, each pound I gain, and each time I am able to laugh throughout this process because my abs hurt and I am genuinely feeling happiness and enjoying the moment! I want real control, a real life. So currently I must “act” and play the ol game of “fake it till you make it.” will it eventually become normal, like second nature, yes because I have experienced a GLIMPSE of it once before. Each time it gets harder and harder, I get more frustrated and now I am simply sick of it. Not doing anything about it didn’t get me anywhere so doing the damned thing WILL!
I have a lot of emotion, habit, thought, control and weight restoration to deal with. The world isn’t going to magically get better with weight, there’s a hellofalot more I suppose “weird” about me, but with HEALTH (maybe I should refer to it as that as opposed to weight to get rid of the negative connotation?) will come an easeness about repairing the other broken stuff about me. I am masking my life by not recovering- this disease is not solving anything. I want real comfort and stability in myself. No more foggy brain, damaged body but bring on the mood swings, the hard work, the frustration, the crying, the venting, the repair and rebuilding- BRING IT ON (classic cheerleading movie, yes I love it lol). I desire SO strongly to start acting like the adult I am. This disease is childish and plays childish stupid games with you. I am fighting against myself but with myself at the same time- confusing, eh? I have some deep seated bizarro belief that I am protected by anorexia- from what you ask? No FLIPPIN clue. But now:
I. HAVE. HOPE.
I. HAVE. CONFIDENCE.
I am often told of this potential I have, that I should be “living up to my potential.” Talk about an overused phrase if I have ever heard on. It is like telling Obama “spreading the wealth” is going to solve anything. Much to much is expected when you set yourself up for high expectations. I have high expectations for myself, but they are achievable and livable. Recovery obviously is at the top of that list. I do not like the burden of people expecting A B and C out of me to be accomplished. Let me re-phrase, I HATE when people find me stripped of my potential and expect great things out of me. Anorexia has definitely put a damper on my potential but being constantly reminded of your expectations is horrendous. Hello mind-on-overdrive when that happens. Recovery is hard enough- I don’t need a reminder of 934568 other things I need to be “living up” to.
I can re-cap y’all on my past couple days of good-eats…cuz they sure is good!
Day 2 Good Eats:
Boiled Eggs, steak-ums
Chicken with ½ container sour cream, shredded cheese
Spinach, mushrooms lots of butter
Pulled pork(overly seasoned wasn’t a fan)
Few cloves of garlic
eggs scrambled w/ liver
Close to 7 oz. cheese by the time I was done
More mushrooms and spinach
Day 3 Good Eats
Chopped up rib eye fried in a cast iron
Mushrooms sautéed in the beef fat
Poblano peppers sliced in half & grilled in the fat later but reheated
Stuffed the pepper with diced chicken thigh meat
Other half container sour cream with cayenne, paprika, chili pepper and cumin
Spread sour cream/chicken over peppers, added mushrooms cuz I’m a dare devil like that
New container sour cream now…
Chicken, chives, sour cream, and spinach
Again, prolly 6 or 7 oz of cheese
Fried cabbage in lotta butta
NOW…I need to vent…. Understand I am new to the blog community thing…
There are a few points I want to make on blogging about anorexia recovery. First, I do not think people should blog who are not going to present healthy food, full fat products, and real food. If you refuse to use real good, not processed or able-to-count-calories baggies, bars and portions then please do not blog.
Stop blogging about counting 12 almonds for your 1/8 cup of oatmeal, your 4 oz of 2% yogurt, and massive fruit consumption. Hello… I understand meeting meal plan requirements, but no, it is SO unnecessary to do all this counting and then make it public. LET GO of the fear. LET GO of the control. You need protein and fat? So open the almond jar, pour a handful in your hand, and add it…then eat it.
Second, I do not think vegetarian anorexia recovery should be a public thing. I do not find it healthful nor “recovery” based. Fake “mock” meat is required by vegetarians because they need protein/fat and vitamins. Obviously, dunnn dunnn, your diet is deficient, change it.
I am NO PRO at this recovery thing and I understand to each their own but your most likely hurting more people than you are helping. The blog world is a tempting place and through it you can find many ways to justify what you do, how you act, and what you eat. However, as a disordered eater currently in recovery, even I find some of this “first amendment” advertising over-the-top. Please, read the book “The Vegetarian Myth” and Read the website PRIMAL WISDOM by Don Matez.
I do believe a BIG aspect of recovery is schooling yourself on food and nutrition. You need to understand that food is good for you AND understand how. This will make it all the easier to eat REAL FOOD because you KNOW and understand it is necessary for the human body. Crackers, tofu, and laughing cow processed cheese… not so much.
SO PLEASE… my understanding of blog recovery is limited. Please school me on this, comments and thoughts please!!!! I genuinely mean these comments in the most constructive way possible as well. I know it is not easy, trust me.
I did learn something today:
Stress actually suppresses leptin action in the brain.
By this mechanism, stress also suppresses reproduction and fertility in women.
Stress hormone cortisol generally blocks the effect of leptin on the brain, although cortisol does raise leptin production. Cortisol blocks leptin’s effect on both appetite and fertility, which is why “psychogenic stress” will cause women to become infertile.
It makes good sense evolutionarily speaking that the brain associates stress with famine, as stress usually precedes famine. When stuff gets rough, it isn’t long until your starving… adapting to starvation preemptively (indicated by high cortisol) is a valuable genetic trait. Therefore, we evolved a brain that allows for stress signals (cortisol) to block prosperity signals (leptin).
AKA- once leptin is in line in the person, he or she will have balance in the body. What stresses the adrenals? Vegetable and industrialized oils, refined sugar, and wheat, smoking, alcohol, coffee and exercise.