I think recovery, and real recovery is going to force me to put my all into what I do, obviously with food but also with every other area of my life. All my energy, not so much damned thought(it works against me) and a lot of my time. I need to define myself- I think it would help me. WHO am I? I AM NOT an anorexic, and I tend to give into that thought more often than not. I am NOT weak, I am a VERY strong willed individual but that also tends to work against me at times. I would like to think I am basically a happy person. When I feel an emotion be it anger, rage or frustration, it is usually known because I will express my opinions. I hold very conservative views on politics, religion and obviously am overly opinionated on health and nutrition. But knowing who I am when I look in the mirror is a totally different story. I want to see the person who is in my head, who I think about. I think if I were to observe myself outside of me, I would call me emotionless, expressionless and rather quiet. I think I send off this negative vibe sometimes to the people around me and there is this sense of something being “off” about me.

 I have issues with thinking people think negative about me. I am not as bad as I was, but I still catch myself thinking like this from time to time and have to remind myself to think differently. Sometimes, if something is going wrong, someone is upset or angry, I automatically assume it is something I did or somehow my fault. Maybe ya know, I could just ask what is wrong or what is eating away(no pun lol) at the person or event, but I always seem to get this stomach drop and forced feeling whatever it is, it is my fault.

 It definitely works against me and this will be the hardest part of changing me I need to overcome. Removing that “off” vibe I will call it is going to require me loosening up, going against my head, changing my routine and stepping out of that comfort zone. Negative people are never fun to be around and I know from experience I do not like being around people who make me uncomfortable. But at the same time, I think I may be one of those people.

 So it’s not just the food. That would be halfassing recovery. If I don’t fess up and approach the other personal problems in my life then I am convinced I will never get better. Food is important yes, but there are many other off-things about me I need to work on. What about you? I doubt the disease was all-in-one fix the food and your better. What did you have to work on? How did you define yourself? What tenchniques helped you become who you are today?

 Call it an epiphany, but I know that I can do whatever I want, I can be whoever I want to be, and I can exert positive cheerful vibes on whomever I encounter. That’s the kind of person I want to be. At one point in life I was that person and I KNOW, I KNOW she is still in me somewhere. I can starve and not eat, but really, where in the hell is that going to get me? I know for FACT that I am more cheerful with a full belly, and much more lassiez faire in my usual stick-it-to-the bone lifestyle when I am well nourished. But does it always have to be perfect? Not hardly. Not every meal has to revolve around a certain this or that. It does not need a time span, time period, starting or finishing point. It is not always going to be perfect. If you look at it this way though, everyone has “something”- some sort of problem, difference about them. EVERYONE has got it. So why should I fear being imperfect? Why should we assume that we have to live up to this perfection in body, grades, work, love life, when it is impossible. Hell, it’s not going to happen. Just live and let be! I think it is when I think I am the only one trying to be perfect or have a perfect set routine scheduled life is where I run into my problems and fear of being “imperfect.” What the hell is wrong with imperfect!??! I have LONG, and FLAT farm feet. And long skinny toes. My feet- needless to say are imperfect, but I can laugh about them. What the hell can I do, shop off my toe and force an arch that will never be there? NO, and just like recovery and my food issues, they will never be perfect. My concluding thought- if this is the case, hell, just BE happy!

 I have a feeling doing what I am prescribing to myself can take a while. There are a lot more days of me finding something wrong with myself, something I think I screwed up, and many body ailments I swear I need to work on, but I also have days I think of myself as a unique, strong and happy individual. I wonder what other people are thinking about me…WAY to often. If I let go of this I will be a much happier person. Obviously, I need to care what my boss thinks of me, what my family thinks of me to an extent, but really I should stop analyzing it to death. Imperfection in itself sounds harsh, off and negative. But in all reality an imperfection isn’t exactly something NEGATIVE. Are my flat nonexistent arch feet negative? Geez hardly not haha I can walk, run, jump and wear cute shoes still!

 So, nobody’s perfect…oh cliché.

 So it’s not just the food. That would be half-assing recovery. If I don’t fess up and approach the other personal problems in my life then I am convinced I will never get better. Food is important yes, but there are many other off-things about me I need to work on. What about you? I doubt the disease was all-in-one fix the food and your better. What did you have to work on? How did you define yourself? What techniques helped you become who you are today?

  Re-cap from Sunday, adding back in vegetables day #2. I DID NOT GET ON THE SCALE…WEE!!! I did have chicken again because I needed to finish the one I made the night before. I made a thick sauce with chives, sour cream, butter, heavy cream, some crumbling cheese, garlic, onions & spinach. Then I soaked the chicken (seasoned from last night) in butter and mixed everything together. The end result? Reminded me of sour cream and onion cream cheese or something. It was GOOD, and thick and quick and easy too! I also ate in about 5 minutes, which is unheard of for me. I try to prolong meals to obnoxious extents for some reason, which I don’t really know what it is. I get anxious when a meal comes to a wrap up. Hmm- I’m gonna eat again relatively soon so I don’t know why I get like that. This meal however was made in a huge hurry because I ate at halftime of the Saints game(BTW… SUPERBOWL BABY!). But my mind was preoccupied elsewhere, I want to watch the Saints, I wanted to enjoy it with my family. So I made a dense, quick meal definitely outside any normal time frame of eating. Pretty big deal for me. I just threw stuff together, ate, and got back to football! There was a spur-of-the-moment second guessing attempt in my head to figure in calories, amounts, and depict the huge portion of food I had just eaten, BUT I BLEW IT OFF. I started singing the WHO DAT Saints song- here I will share it with you:

             “Who dat say gonna beat dem saints, WHO DAT, WHO DAT…oh when the saints, go marching in, oh when the saints go marching in…”  

If you haven’t figured it out by now I’m a football junkie, I LOVE college football, but I also adore the New Orleans Saints! Superbowl is in 2 weeks, I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT!!! We are playing the COLTS, i.e. we are playing Peyton Manning, the BEST quarterback in football ever in my opinion! What a game this will be… Lots of WHO DATS being shouted from the rooftops at my house!

 And a quick update on my dating life. Haaaa. So the guy who thinks I am “attractive” I mentioned was at storm work. Well he was out for dinner last night with his crew and one of the girls I use to work with (who I miss SO MUCH) and she mentioned me and then they got to talking bout me. She called me this morning to tell me all the nice things he said lol. And he goes “yeah I’m gonna get to know her and take her out to dinner when I get back!” YAY!!!!! I can’t wait! Anxious, nervous, WHATTA I WEAR!!! I smell a new outfit brewin…

 Maybe, I am thinking it is not just me who feels like this maybe everyone does. To an extent,  in any given situation I am uncomfortable and awkward. I can’t quite explain it but I only pretend to be alright, just to make it through whatever it is; conversation, meeting, meal. I think I have fear ducking in each of my thoughts. I think I am good at hiding it though beneath laughter and this underlying smartass behavior I have- maybe that is just way immature but it gets me by.

 Maybe I don’t really feel as uncomfortable as I think I do. I like to build up my self esteem and constantly tell myself LIFE IS GREAT because what else is there to live besides life, so you mine as well be happy, live it and enjoy it. but I always seem shy and scared!  My fear (I cannot pinpoint what the fear is) makes a lot of moments almost intolerable. Like last night, veggie night numero tres, I wasn’t going to repeat food I had the day before so I ventured out to cabbage. I use to eat a lot of southern fried cabbage. So, I put two pork steaks in the oven to let them cook, shredded some cabbage with fried it up in a hellova heap of butta! It did not taste like I remember. I thought the cabbage tasted OVERLY sweet and not anything like it use to. The sweetness form it was almost overpowering. Maybe I should have cooked it in bacon grease? I don’t know every vegetable I have tried tastes sweet to me. Maybe it is my fear and preconception of the vegetable. Then mama walks in a goes “how was the cabbage?” I don’t know why but it annoyed me, I got a bit tense and I said “good.” Moving on…the inconsistency of whatever  this fear is that I have is also what makes it so damn intolerable.

Here is Pork steak and cabbage…I reccommend BOTH. Pork steak is one of my favorite cuts of meat. Very fatty, well marbled very good.

 I have been thinking: How do others view me when they meet me?  Probably as outgoing and exuberant. Mostly because that’s how I act when I am nervous. I act like someone slipped me a 5-hour energy shot complete with 3 espressos. This energy just overpowers me because I am giddy and nervous. I need to control that. But when it comes to conversations, I am HORRIBLE. I lose myself in my mind. Then- nothing. My brain flat lines like a heart monitor. My heart just starts pumping because I know I am not able to think of a damned thing to talk about. I can hear thoughts roaming around up there but nothing makes sense and I cant seem to spit out any words. Socialness is so simple for so many people yet so hard for me.

 SOOOO… any who, I am glad I am still truckin along with the food world and keeping up on others blogs but every time I try to comment on someone’s blog IT WONT LET ME. I am getting irritated! It says there is a open ID error??? If anyone knows about those… I’m all ears!

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