So I had a texting message session with my older brother Chris today, who goes to college at USM which is about 20 minutes from my house. He had been home for his winter break these past two months but recently started his last semester in college. He does usually come home on Sundays for food and whatever sporting event is on TV. Anyways, he was really frustrated with my “zero carb meat eating relapse” this past year and had pretty much given up hope on me only to complain to my parents, comment rudely about my food and always stare at me trying to cook or eat.  So needless to say, he makes me incredibly uncomfortable to eat around and be around in general. We don’t talk on any regular basis because there is this unspoken tension between us regarding my ED. Well here’s how the texting went today:

Me: I am starting to work my way back down the food chain

Chris: What do you mean?

Me: Eating more than just meat

Chris: That’s definitely good. Just take it step by step and eventually you’ll be eating grain and starch

Me: Thank you

Chris: We want you to succeed and are on your side. I hope you understand that. But no more relapses.

Me: Yes sir. I’m gonna get mom and dad to go out to eat with me sometime soon so I don’t act like a freak on my date if you wanna come

Chris: Just let me know when

Me: k will do

 “He loves you yaa yaa yaa”

EDIT TO ADD- I am never consuming grains or starch again in my life in any unnatural form, i.e. bread/wheat, but we will encounter that stepping stone when I reach it

 So as much as I swear he despises me and cannot stand to see me act the way I do, I need to realize he does so because he worries about me and genuinely cares about me. There’s always this voice in my head swearing everyone is out to get me fat and out to start shoving hoho’s and twinkies down my throat. I think everyone wants to throw my little world in a big ol hissy fit and throw me out of my comfort zone. Well, I am already currently out of my comfort zone and routine like rituals so it’s a bit amplified at the moment. But, like I suppose with everything, making normal eating more routine (no pun intended haaaa)  I will be able to spur-of-the-moment do things. When I was bad off a few years ago I use to swear someone was going to feed me junk while I was sleeping. That is simply ludicrous. Trust is a hard thing with me. I need to start trusting more people. When I do, I think I will realize I can talk to anyone and I will have more self confidence. It will also put an end to this “everyone is out to get me and make me fat” thinking. First I need to continue to trust my food, i.e., vegetables are not going to make me fat and food in general is not going to make me fat. It’s back to that damned control aspect.

And guess what…since adding back vegetables, I have not ONCE tallied or calculated or portioned anything. I just cook, and I eat. Plain. Simple. Now I won’t lie I have WANTED to run onto fitday, dailyplate, caloriecount, take your pick but I haven’t. What’s the point? I surely do not want to stress myself out more than I already have. Just go with the flow. How many fat grams have I eaten? I don’t know. How many carbohydrates? No clue. How many calories? Haaaa, nooo inspiration to find out.

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