I’m not even sure how to start this post… my parents pretty much had it out with me last night. It started when I decided to tell my dad I have a date coming up soon. I will set the scenario for you. Friday nights my parents typically have pizza and beer. So they had been drinking, no they don’t get drunk. So I’m sitting at the table with them, had just finished rib eye and pork steak for dinner and told my date I have a date with a guy from work.
My mom chimes in “so what are yall gonna do?”
I reply “I dunno dinner and drinks most likely that’s what most first dates are”
She says “ so what do you do if you go for pizza and beer”
I hesitate… “I dunno I’m sure there’s something there I will eat”
She goes “you don’t drink or eat pizza”
So I tried to end it here but helllllllllll no it didn’t end there. Both my parents go on to inform me they think I suck at recovery, I am worse off than I use to be, I am giving up so much happiness, I always give into ED and pretty much I have gotten no where. I was so pissed. They said I justify ten ways to Sunday everything I do, I’m not healthy at all and then my mom goes, “don’t you want children and a husband?” I answer yes. Then she goes on to ask if I get my period and I reply no, but I have no gotten a period in 5 YEARS since I went off birth control.
I weigh 30+ more pounds than I use to. They go on to share they have tried everything with me and it is up to me now. They have sent me to therapists, doctors, nutritionists, a counselor who wanted to put me in the hospital on a feeding tube and outpatient with twice weekly doctor visits and therapy appointments. I felt about this big. I felt like a failure. I resented everything they said and I was so annoyed, confused and upset. I told them I had put on 5 lbs in the past week! I have too I was not lying.
But it all boiled down to I only eat meat. They shared how I get stuck in this “one thing” and whatever that one thing is, it will not be un-ritualized as long as I am stuck on it. When I am into and on that one thing whatever it may be, no one can stop me and I am sucked into being addicted to it. All my thought and control are on that one thing. Okay this I agree with, because whatever I am into, I am full force into. Meat works for me though. I have no mental battle to deal with and it keeps me calm and low-anxiety. This obviously is not enough. They swear I am unhealthy (basing on the fact I don’t get my period), but besides my menstruation there is NOTHING wrong with me. My blood work is perfect, my blood pressure, heart rate all of it checks out top notch. If I ever thought I was in “ill health” I think I would know. My dad swears I need fruit and vegetables for vitamin C so I don’t get scurvy even though I KNOW scurvy is not caused by a lack of vitamin C.
Then they point out how I have no friends in Mississippi and I don’t regularly date which is something you do at my age. Well, again this is based on what I eat to them. But it went on from there. I am bypassing all the happiness I could be having in life, my brothers refuse to have any kind of close relationship with me because I “eat meat” and I pretty much all around suck because I eat meat. They said they worry and talk about my meat eating all the time, my dad does not want me to move out and my mom has done everything she can to try and help me. I am just giving into the ED instead of fighting it; I am living with the ED instead of getting rid of it.
I eventually said screw this and went to bed. I didn’t want to keep justifying everything because it was not getting me anywhere. I slept for 12 straight hours last night.
Like always, they will never understand why this works for me, but I will admit I am stuck in a rut. I am in this control phase and I need things structured, planned and routine like. When they aren’t, I freak out, I don’t eat, and I constantly spin horrendous thoughts in my head. They want me to branch out and eat fruits and vegetables. I will never touch fruit again in my life, which I am sure of. My dad promised me I “wouldn’t turn into his sisters.” He has 4 sisters all of which are obese. I backfired at him pronouncing “DOYOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE AN OBESE PERSON WHO ISNT THERE!” Of course they don’t, and they cannot possibly wrap their minds around what I see. Again, my mom chimes in that it’s my choice to see what I see, and I can make myself not see that, it’s all in my head and again it is justifying. THIS pissed me off. Really, don’t you think if I could change what I see in the mirror I WOULD. Don’t you think if I could be normal and manage an unroutine life I WOULD. Don’t you think if I could go back and do it all again I NEVER WOULD HAVE DIETED.
Then mom mentions she thinks it’s all her fault, that she failed with me…okay if I didn’t feel like the scum of the earth before, I sure as hell did now… Anorexia is NOBODY’S FUCKING FAULT. Especially not my moms, hell I became anorexic in college I wasn’t even at home!
There is nothing either of my parents can be there to do for me. I don’t know what to tell them and I sure as hell am at a loss on what to do. It royally sucks being 24 years old and living in anorexia. Hell if I was 12, 16 or even 18 or 19 my parents could have full control over my food, my recovery, but I’m an adult. I am about to move out of my house and it is UP TO ME to get better. It is up to ME to fight this, to change my habits, and to branch out.