When I first started recovery, some 2 odd years ago. I was not in it to get better. I was in it to please others because I was being forced. I finally got to a point where I was sick of losing the battle, sick of the disease, and sick of my ill health and nonexistent energy. I pretty much got sick of myself. I refer to being able to start low carb eating as a glimpse, a calling hop to faith from God. I was allowed to eat that which comforted me. I never really added carbs back in besides a salad, some random almonds, heavy cream, and loads of cheese. What I felt was a GLIMPSE of health, which later came to be disordered. It was just a small “taste test” or sample to health. I was loaded with energy and thought the world was great. Well, it didn’t last so long and I eventually found my way to Zeroing in on Health where I have for the past year been eating exclusively from the animal kingdom. I began with high energy, high hopes, and a positive outlook. I gained weight and was okay with it at first. I still had my days, my moments and my fair share of second-guessing.

What Zero Carb allowed for me to do was control my mind. I have been encompassed in the idea and desire that I have the control over my mind. I do truly believe that I have now turned from one disorder to another, while wreaking havoc on my metabolism, hormones, and adrenals in the process. I have large dark puffy circles under my eyes; I am lacking energy unless I am out in the sun all day where I can’t help but bounce off walls, and my nights are sleepless and a fellow friend reminded me the other night of the fact that I have not remebered having a dream in longer than I can remember. I am overly mellow, practically emotionless, and somehow I am enticed to continue this journey and stay exactly like I currently am. I know I can control my weight with Zero Carb and not be hungry all day. But that does not surpass the fact that I am not hungry because my body is starving. I am not hungry because my body has shut down to the point it does not need all that much food to do what it still does. I get full incredibly easily and could eat ½ pound of meat a day, everyday, and be fine with it. I am still learning this journey, and what works for me.

What happened when I began to fear what I needed to survive? For me, I turned to Zeroing in on Health. I thought this was the end all be all for me. I thought I had the golden ticket, the “cure” for anorexia. I have been proven wrong and sadly mistaken. I have from this experience however grasped such a concept of nutrition, or knowledge, or health and plan to take this with me and flourish. You reap what you sow. I have gotten myself into quite a mess. I expect this to be brutal, hard as all living hell and I hold myself fully responsible for the struggle. I need to FACE it, pride myself with accomplishment and happiness and above and beyond everything, finally return to health. The motto in Mississippi is “it’s like comin home” and I hope to do just that. I anticipate the indecision, the panic, the obsessing and the tears. I have this blog to help me, and so many recovering eating disordered individuals trying to deliver the same message. Health is where it is at. A simple grounded relationship with food is where it is at. The key to overcoming anorexia is the aspect of the disease itself. This disease roots in fear and facing it, acting upon it and NOT beating around the bush about it is, I feel, the key to recovering. I should embrace the experience; take a liking to food, to ethnicity and cultural aspects of food. It should be enjoyable.

I am scared to leave carnivorous eating because, in all reality I am selfish and vain or at least this disease is. It’s the desire to stay looking how I currently look. I appeal to myself some dayswen I don’t thnk I look like an obese person. But this makes me feel cheated. I have cheated myself and this “recovery” because mentally and physically, it is not over and is truly just beginning- that scares the shit out of me. I need to figure out how to find the strength to continue this journey, and to get my head on straight. Common sense tells me it is not healthy to live day in and day out on muscle meat… no, just simply no. Not going to work, and not going to suffice in recovery from anorexia. For the overweight and diabetic maybe but not for anorexia. I am “healthy” at the moment yes, but this livable health is not the picture of recovery I envision. Sad to say, I do not KNOW what healthy feels like and I do not know exactly what I expect out of recovery. I do not remember being healthy, how much energy I should have and how thinking normal everyday feels like. It leaves me incredibly unsettled. Unsettled in the fact that I cant force my self to eat anything but meat, in the fact that I get high off fasting all day, and that I have total control over my mind whether it is distorted or not. It is such a burden on my shoulders. ED is a burden, but I am also giving into the burden by not fully recovering myself. I am living relatively healthy “in anorexia.” I let go of obsessive counting, let go of calories however, there is no balance to my mind or my eating. I am held back by the idea that this is healthy, optimal and good for me. I fear every food I once confronted in recovery. I stepped back convincing myself I was moving forward. I use to eat food I now shun and get pale and shaky even considering or smelling. Being completely honest, the prevalence of living with my ED is much less than it has been in the past- there is no denying that. But it is still there, still controlling me and making my decisions. Still telling me I need to go walk, need to control this and do that, eat at this time and no more than this amount. I still have and grasp many distorted habits and rituals in controlling food and much of my life. I cannot and will not convince myself that this is a normal way of living. Will it keep me lean, muscular and a size 0? Yes it will but who the F&%*# cares. That sure as hell is not what I want in the bottom of my heart. I want to embrace my body, whatever it may be. I want to love myself because I CAN eat and DO eat food. I want to be confident in the fact that I am nourishing my body and consuming food that will benefit me, make me happy, and allow me to live free from this disease.

 

I read on another blog and I am sorry I cannot remember whose(if you read this tell me!) “Don’t force yourself to eat things with your eyes; actually eat them.” This is a classically well written statement. I do just that, I attack food with my eyes. I think sometimes I practically eat other people’s food with my eyes. Imagine sitting down to lunch with me as I watch you’re every bite, depict your every nutrient, vegetable, etc in your food. I am eyeing it up and desiring every last bite with you but against me in my head. I know the initial panicking and pain staking will pay off. It has to. I am too old, and too far along in lollygagging in this lackadaisical recovery I have been in for over a year.

 

I have such perfection in trying to make it right. From my food, to my appearance, my clothes, my activity, my job. This makes recovery so hard because I want to calculate the perfect meal, plan out the perfect food, and perfect getting all my nutrients, proteins, vitamins and antioxidants(oh the list goes on…). It has to be the “best meal.” HELL- I’m not on death row I do not need to make every meal my final meal. There will always be more where that came from and overtime everything will balance itself out. I spend to much time thinking. I will think all day long, I will depict everything about what I am doing or not doing. The more I sit around and go sleepless nights thinking I don’t get a damned thing done. I contemplate, I watch and observe, I question EVERYTHIING and I end up spending hours lost in decision and thought. It is mentally exhausting, really. A good day of thinking totally wipes me out. I get furious with myself and lash out. I do truly believe blogging will be beneficial to me. I am able to save up and revert my focus here, on recovery and fully commit myself to it.

 

A hard battle leads to a sweet victory. No one ever said life was going to be easy, preplanned, and thoroughly deciphered. It just happens, my just happens.

In closing, I heard this song the other day and tears came to my eyes relating it to ED recovery

 It starts with
One thing I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away

It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn’t even know
Or wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn’t even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn’t even matter

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how

I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised

It got so far
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn’t even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn’t even matter

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn’t even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn’t even matter

Linkin Park~ In the End 

 

 

 

 

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