I got a date…. WOOWEE!!! With recovery and dealing with my head I must admit, I have not been the social butterfly who loves spur of the moment plans and random encounters with guys who I loathe for a week afterwards. Well, a lineman at work was in earlier this week and low and behold he mentioned to someone else he was interested in me. He was a cuite pa-tootie too! He is in Kansas right now doing storm work but should be back to Mississippi in a week or so. So how do I feel about the mini branch-out…

 At first my head kinda sorta freaked. A change to my routine, a change to my predicatatory (is this a word?) lifestyle and even a meal. This is obnoxious. I am 24 years old! My immediate thought was “how can he be interested I have recently put on __lbs!” That is so ridiculous I wish I could laugh typing it! then flooded in the thoughts of what I will eat or drink, what I will wear, will I be shy like I always am? I’m rather quiet upon acquaintance. I just never know what to say, or for the million thoughts that run through my head everyday single day, when I am with other people it’s like a blank slate. Nothing even enters my head to think about talking about. Either that or I am to distracted in ED world to have anything interesting to add to a conversation. So note to self- I need to start branching out my life, my daily routine, and start doing some things (or forcing myself) outside of my comfort zone. I have lived in the little “recovery bubble” for almost 4 years now. I am technically still underweight for my height but am a “healthy mostly functioning” individual. I have been underweight now for what…6 years. Ludicrous. I think I finally have realized that I need to let go. Live and let go. All this sparked thought from a date! Haha- I don’t have a target weight per say and I really do not know what my natural weight would be even if I did. I have said for the last 3 non-menstrual years that I would be a good weight when I get my period back. Well this surely has yet to occur so I am obviously underweight.

 I have this nagging desire to stay the way I look right now forever because I can deal with it on a daily basis. It is livable and no one makes snarky “eat a damned steak” or “you look sickly” comments anymore. While I have the body dysmorphia in full force when I look in a mirror, I know that I look okay because I have seen pictures. But this is not the end. According to standards, the weight range for my height, 5’8, is between 125 – 164 lbs. but wouldn’t ya know the damn same webpage says I would be “ideal” at 122. HELLO that’s not in the range! I am not sharing my personal numbers, but I have a little ways to go. Nothing like when I was stuck in the disease, but none the less it will be a freak-out-tears-spilt-anxiety-lunatic experience. I have to do it, I am way too far into life to KEEEP on “trying” at recovery and doing only enough to suffice and keep me healthy. I am anticipating it already which I need to stop because it freaks me out all the more. And there is this one INCREDIBLY VAIN problem…

 I am in a wedding in May. That is 5 months away. Any fellow recoveries know a LOT of body change can happen in a mere 5 months. I have already been sized, paid for and ordered my dress. With this newly acquired __lbs, ED has been FREAKING out that I will not in any way shape or form fit into this dress. I think about it, a lot. I know dresses can be altered to be smaller, but I seriously doubt it will be able to be broadened. Preposterous. Absolutely self absorbed, self centered desire inflicted by my ED. I can’t help but worry about it. Actually I have been freaking about it. I guess my stay-thin motto is so strong in me because a) I’m stuck in my ED and b) I had been a cheerleader and dancer my entire life. It was expected of me. Tall and thin, skinny and lean. It is engraved in my hard stubborn noggin and I need to again, live and let be the unrealistic desires I hold so tight. I am more important, more special, more lovable than anorexia will ever be. I need to dedicated and throw my everything into recovery. I am currently dedicated to staying how I look, how I feel and eating that which offers my comfort and attainability. REBEL DAMNIT! I need to do that- rebel, against anorexia, against everything that it deals with.

 I want to be a mother- of like, some million children. That is what I treasure, value and desire. I want that more than anorexia, and it is my DRIVING force in recovery. Grrr. It always seems I can make the idea in my head. Eat more food, sit still more often, tomorrow you will eat “this” and make sure to “have that.” Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow!! But then when it comes down to it I freeze. I can’t do it, won’t allow myself, and fall back into my comfort zone. The bloxygen blog gave me some great insight into my beating around the bush recovery way of doing things. Her recent blog included a list of secrets she needs to write down that she has been keeping and hiding form people. I felt a lump drop in my throat when I read that. I hold a tight knit circle of secrets from others. Things I am ashamed I do, things I know do not benefit my recovery. I plan to start my own list, of all the secrets I have been hiding. Will I share it with anyone? HELLLLLLLLLLL NO. but I will have to face them, and confront them one by one to make myself stop the ritual behaviors and secrets I possess.

 

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