You only had one year to live…

Me and my friend Becky

My little brother and I

My first reactions:
I don’t want to leave my parents. They would be devastated without me. I want to see my little brother right now. I need to show more love to the people I love and start living each day like it was my last.

Changes I would make in my life:
I would spend time with more people, particularly my family. I would introduce myself to attractive men everyday. I would start volunteering at food kitchens/shelters and get the word out about eating disorders and trying to help sufferers. I would change my own recovery method and be carefree regarding it. I would stop caring about how my body has to look and let it look like it wants to look. I would always, always present myself the best I can in looks, clothes and attitude to feel good about every last day.

New things I would try:
Surfing, water skiing, jet skiing, any water sport- I love them. I might go skydiving. I would sign up for salsa class and hip hop dancing (my passion)! I would dance- everyday. Travel to Italy, France and Germany and sample real true cultural cuisine. I would sample every fruity girlie alcoholic drink at a bar.

Unfinished things I want to complete:
Recovery or simply disregard it altogether and make my mind switch to “normal.” If I only have a year to live I would care less about college. Travel.

Things I would NOT do:
Pay off my debt (sorry!), look down upon only having a year to live, stray from my family

Things I need to say before I die:
“I’m sorry and grateful and thankful for you putting up with me” to my parents and brothers for everything I have put them through in this hideous self absorbed disease. Tell God thank you for keeping me on the earth as long as he has. Tell my friends “I’m sorry” for isolating myself in anorexia and having to move to Mississippi.

Describe my last fling:
I would want it to be passionate and feel a real open connection with someone. Yes, and have hot monkey sex everyday. I would finally OPEN up to a guy.

Spiritual preparations:
I would without a doubt spend every Sunday morning at church. I would call Father Pat.

Where and how would I spend my last days:
At home with my family by the pool in the hot sun and our bathing suits. The grill would be fired up with good eats, we would all be throwin back beers and might even brew up some crawfish. Totally carefree without a worry in the world. Music would be on the entire time of my choice haha. I would watch the sun set every evening and stare up at the stars and reflect and think.

Throughout the fantasy there were key moments involving significant persons in my life. Whom did I involve and what did I learn about my relationship priorities?
My relationships with friends are not as deep and special as I would like. I take way too much for granted. I need to be sweeter and approachable to more people.

During the fantasy, I found myself doing things significantly differently from how I live now. Why would this be so? If they were so important to get done, what prevents me from doing them now?
Control and Fear. The biggest thing is letting go of my need tos and have tos and living in the moment. I see myself not fearing anything and caring only about what was truly important. Now I feel pressures to get things done, be good at it and fearing failure and consequences. Money is a big part of the scenario which prioritizes the have tos and need tos and want tos.

How do I feel about facing my own death?
It scares the hell out of me. I know I will be going to a higher place, however, I feel like I am leaving a lot of questions unanswered and a lot of people behind who deserve a lot more from me.

Thinking about death provides a way to look at what is real and what is important in our lives. How have my ideas of what is important and real to me changed after experiencing this death fantasy? What can I change in my life not to reflect these new priorities?
I realize just how important my family is to me. I realize I need to strengthen my connections with more people. I enjoy getting to know people on a deeper level. I realize fear and priorities stand in my way too much. I want to start freeing myself from responsibilities and allowing myself to spend time with people and spend time having fun.

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