What exactly does this imply? Exactly how does on become a successful anorexic. When I was so deep into my disease I wanted to figure out what to do with my life, I wanted to run and lift weights and I wanted to starve myself into misery because it was comfortable and made me feel successful. I was not one of the lucky anorexics because I got deathly thin. Some people will starve themselves only to have their bodies rebound and gain weight, or refuse to go any lower in weight because their bodies simply shut down. Organs stop working, metabolism slows down to practically zilch and frustration sets in. This does not mean you’re not sick, oh, trust me. This just means your teeth are deteriorating, your bones are frail as a 90 year old lady, and your body parts fall asleep and cramps or goes numb in every casual position that exists. You can’t sleep at night because one half of your body goes numb lying on your side, your temples are thumping, and your mind is moving a million miles an hour. What will the scale say in the morning? How will you work off today’s food? What stunts will you have to pull to stay out of troubles way? And oh my God what will you not eat tomorrow? Sure, you’ll be dreaming of pastries, cakes and muffins but in reality you’ll take half an hour to much through a leaf of lettuce. But thin? Yes, you will be that. Thin and miserable. Thin and on the verge of death. Thin with a malfunctioning, deteriorating and destroyed body. Thin with a mind that doesn’t stop compulsive rituals, food habits and bizarre behaviors. It is impossible to stop it once it starts. Yeah, you might feel like you have it all with anorexia, but that is so far from the truth. The disease has you wrapped around its little finger always sitting on your shoulder waiting for you to fuck up so perfection is absolutely without question necessary. You can only eat the perfect food, the perfect meal and have the most pure logic in all of it. Well there’s your success. It does not exist. It never did. Anorexia is failure, at life and at a disease. The only way toward success is toward recovery, otherwise, deem yourself a failure.
Oh and why it turns out to be not really about how you look, how skinny you get or how low your weight becomes, it is about that control. And trust me, you’ll be skinny, your bones will protrude from your once feminine hips. Your so sickly thin that your collar bone and ribs are all countable along with ever bone on your fingers and feet. But that’s not you right? That girl you see in the mirror, in windows you pass…can’t be. You’re a fat slob you just checked. The mirror says so and anorexia abides by that sight. It screams at the rolls, the hanging skin, the blubbery legs and the big booty. That is all you will see. Other will tell you to get help, your way to skinny, and that you look deathly ill. And you are just that. Deathly ill. If you do survive and decide to be a success it will be the damned hardest accomplishment you will ever make in your life. You wonder why people stare at you and you swear it is because you must be as big as two barns. Anorexia is hounding you for looking like the Michelin man. You are not attractive. Thin is not attractive. Huge sleepless circles under your eyes is not attractive. Pale and yellow discolored skin is not attractive. It never will be. It is failure. Health is success.
To go along with that pale pasty skin will be a monkey like hair growth. It will show up on your stomach, your face, and other areas where hair is not supposed to grow. This monkey fuzz is trying to protect your body from cold even when it is 100 degrees in the dead of summer and your freezing with goose bumps. People might not notice this and you might even be able to shave it off. But hey, it could be replacing all the hair on your head you are losing. That once full thick head of hair is now thin and falls out by the handful in that too hot shower you’re trying to warm up in. Or maybe it falls out all over your pillow at night because frankly, a shower is to exhausting for you and water just may absorb into your skin and result in fat. Good luck trying to stop it. Your hair is 6 months ahead of your failing health. Look into a wig and some good hair holders because you’ll need them with anorexia. And while you’re at it check out your nails. They are translucent in color and can bend and break in all ways. They are so brittle they practically stop growth from your fingers and toes.
They are all starring at you. Could it be they are so breathless after seeing your disgustingly thin body that they are speechless? But be careful, every wrong move will hurt you, and every misplacement of a body part will give you ungodly bruising. But you are use to the pain. It is numbing and comforting right? Success… Anorexia… don’t even attempt to be successful at this, don’t even try. The only success in anorexia is 6 feet under the ground. That is the finish line, the end, the God damned result of all this obsessing. You’ve totally lost all dignity you have for yourself. Say goodbye to self confidence and hello to a life of self hate. With your mustache, stomach fur, hairless head, and all the bones you can count you have absolutely nothing. But what do you care? You won’t even have the energy to get out of bed in to morning, to get dressed or to hold a job and attend school. This bright future of yours revolves around food, weight, counting, numbers, repeating it all over and over and over again. But everyone is wrong right? Your totally in control of this and strong. You make decisions for yourself. The world is full of weak people. They all want you fat.
Your life…. Just a small price to pay to keep anorexia around right? My God you will be depressed. Depressed beyond conceivable knowledge. Nothing will matter to you. No one will be able to lift or change your spirits. You’re infertile, you’re dying, and you’re in control of all of it. Well, not actually you, but anorexia. She has taken over. Ever aspect of your life. You try to make it through each day, constantly dozing off, having your heart occasionally race. You’ll have a hard time getting in that deep breathe as your mind is fluttering and your brain is zapping your consciousness throughout your sleepless nights. The longer anorexia is in control, the longer you are miserable, the more failure you have to make up from, and the closer to death you come.
Friends, grades, life… all of it gone. Your concentrate on one thing: food. You don’t need the rest right? You now have no friends, failing grades, and everyone is absolutely repulsed at the sight of you. You forget things and concentration is nonexistent. You’re anxious and jittery constantly tapping your feet, beating a pen or tapping your fingers together. Count, count you must. Control is all yours. Anyone entering you bubble wants you fat- parents, friends, brothers and sisters. They are out to make you fat. You resent them and anorexia despises and hates them. This you are convinced of. Your room becomes your only safe haven. Everything else is triggering, scary and depressing. Your room is the only place you can ritualize, obsess and lie around thinking.
Anorexia will start convincing you life would just be peachier without you. You think about killing yourself but anorexia may just take care of it for you. Even if you decide to recover, anorexia just may kill you along the way because of how much damage you have done to your body. You’ll have a list of medical complications so deep you’re in debt with bills the rest of your life. You finally put some logical thought into this recovery thing? You’ll slip up, you’ll fall back, and if it doesn’t or hasn’t yet killed you, you sure will feel like life would be easier that way. You try so hard only to fall back because it is a lifelong process. Your body has been starved and suffering for a long time so expect getting better to take twice as long. Do you see the light at the end of the tunnel yet? Are you almost out? Where is that girl you se to be full of life, laughter and glow? She doesn’t exist, and that girl will not ever exist again. Anorexia plays such a toll on your body that you will never ever again be the person you once were. So you freak out and panic, slip back and start hating the world. You’re in so much pain but no one realizes it. You’re so vulnerable encompassed with rage because you realize…you realize anorexia will be with you forever. Pure. Panic. Headlines read that girl dies of anorexia. You remember that comfort you had, and reading the article brings memories back and tears to your eyes. Congratulations because your far enough along to have emotions again, it will hurt and I hope it hurts bad. You never want to go back there. Images and rituals pop through your head as you read it. How did you ever treat your body like that?
Remorse. You will feel it every day along side regret. You feel so badly for the pain and suffering you put other people through that there is no way to ever make it up to them. You lost your friends, you isolated yourself from your family and it was all about control. All about food and that skinny body you desired. You’ll feel yourself losing control again and want to starve because you are good at it. But guess what, you were never as out of control as you were with anorexia. Divorce her, she’s not beautiful, she is not in control and she is definitely not what you want. You were dying and there was nothing you could do about it. Knowing there is nothing you can God damned to about it is scary as shit. You won’t be able to see it, you don’t comprehend it and with recovery you’ll wish it was a part of your life you could play on repeat, backtrack and start over. There are no take backs in life. Hell, this may not even convince you to turn to help or start correcting your control. It is a comfort zone that starving is. Had you never started losing weight you never would be in this position to begin with. What an overwhelming feeling. There is no pain like the pain you get with you are conscious enough to realize just what you have done to yourself and loved ones.
This is reality. This is anorexia. Be the change you wish to see.